Jeff's (jeff) Reviews

Review Requests: OFF

4,607 Public Reviews Given

4,736 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I believe in constructive criticism and honesty. I can adapt my review style to fit the kind of feedback an author is looking for (e.g., developmental suggestions, fine-tuning, proofreading, etc.), but will always try to be as encouraging and helpful as possible.

I'm good at...

Plotting, characterization, dialogue, structure/pacing, and professional considerations. I can also do serviceable technical editing/proofreading, but I'm much better with developmental/creative feedback.

Favorite Genres

I read almost everything. I particularly love genre fiction (mystery/thriller and science fiction/fantasy especially) and nonfiction of all kinds.

776

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14 days may be credited.

#3583052

Review of The Innocent Child

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi billwilcox -

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Dark Society review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

As with all of your stories, you did a great job with characterization, pacing, and description. From start to finish, your stories always captivate me and this one is certainly no exception. I really felt for Charlie and his father as they went through the traumatic events of both the death of Joan, and the ordeal with Toby up at the lake.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

Honestly, I couldn't find anything in need of improvement. I thought all the characters were well developed, the story had me hooked from the very beginning, and the tone of the piece was dark and ominous, especially toward the end.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

It's always a pleasure to read your stories, Bill, and this one is certainly no exception. Great job, all around.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

777

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3583022

Review of The Big Lie

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Talent Pond

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi Hyperiongate

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Talent Pond review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

This was a very well presented and well argued essay against some common misconceptions perpetuated by the GOP. You did an excellent job of presenting the arguments on each issue, and then backing up those assertions with information. While I know that changing people's minds (especially when it comes to money and politics) is almost never as easy as reading one article or essay, or watching one news report, I don't know if anybody could read this item of yours without at least seriously questioning what's going on... and if real change is going to be enacted, it needs to start with thought-provoking assertions like these.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

Honestly, I could not find anything in need of improvement in this essay. It was well presented and effective as written.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, this was an outstanding item that argued both persuasively and energetically. It's clear that you're passionate about the topic, and I think that anyone who reads this item (myself included) won't be able to help begin to feel the same passion and conviction that you've shown. Well done!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

A review signature for Talent Pond members.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

778

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14 days may be credited.

#3583000

Review of Might Have Been

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi Kathryn Ann Summers

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

You did a really great job with the detail and description in this story. The action was intense and exciting and well paced. Your characters were developed just enough to give the reader an idea of who they are before they get into the heat of the moment.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

This really isn't a suggestion for improvement so much as an observation, but I think this items rating actually exceeds its content. For me, this would be a GC story at best (if not 18+), and I think the XGC rating might deter some people from reading an otherwise compelling and softer erotic story.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I really enjoyed this story and thought you did a great job. It's short, but sensual, exciting, and intense. Well done!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

779

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3582492

Review of The Island

Review by Jeff

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

I thought this was a very sweet and charming story. Paradise Cove often attracts the more graphic, erotic type stories, but I'm glad to see an entry from someone who is more focused on the romance aspect of the contest. I think you did very well with this entry; the characters are compelling and the description is excellent. Nicely done!

780

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14 days may be credited.

#3582452

Review of Donut Shop Done In

Review by Jeff

Rated: E

| (4.0)

I thought you did a good job with this piece. It was entertaining, well written, and effectively blended action with dialogue to create a well-rounded, compelling story. I thought that the after-the-fact conclusion was unnecessary for the overall story; I would have rather the story left off with Cobber's last words (and the prompt)... but it was an otherwise solid story. Nicely done!

781

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14 days may be credited.

#3580173

Review of Green Grocer

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Talent Pond

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Soldier_Mike

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Talent Pond review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I thought that, as a whole, you did an excellent job with this essay. It was concise, to the point, addressed the prompt, and was entertaining to read. You included opinion, facts and figures, and even a little humor to make your point, all of which worked toward creating a compelling and informative read. Outstanding work!

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

My only suggestion is to back up your data. I don't think you need to go so far as footnotes and a bibliography, but as I was reading your essay, I found myself wondering where you got your information about, for example, how much fossil fuel and fresh water are required to make plastic bags, what percentage of bags in the United States are recycled, etc. If you were to qualify these statements with just a quick introduction like, "According to a 2008 EPA study..." or "Wikipedia reports that...", I think it would help this already strong and convincing essay become even more persuasive.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, you did a fantastic job with this story. While there aren't enough entries to warrant awarding any places, I'm going to give you the prize package for first place anyway, because I'm so impressed with this entry. Well done!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

782

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3580158

Review of Haunted

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi melzgr8

-

The following is my official review as a judge for the Sinister Stories Contest, and I have enclosed the following Dark Society review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I thought you did a particularly good job with the characterization in this story. Annie and both of her parents were particularly well developed, giving the reader the ability to identify with them and the loss that makes them such compelling characters.

You made great use of the prompt, coming up with a story that most definitely made it feel as if the protagonist both felt the familiarity of coming home, as well as all the things that make it different now that she's grown and has been away for a while.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I felt like this story was lacking a bit of a sinister element. While not every horror story has to be terrifying or gory or gruesome, I was hoping for a bit more of the horror genre element. As is, I felt like this read more as a drama. The conflict is definitely there, but a few more elements to make it really have an overwhelming creepy/scary/spooky vibe would have made it an even stronger entry for the contest.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I think you did a great job with this story. It was well written, addressed the prompt, and gave the reader interesting and realistic characters who struggle with the loss of their loved one. Unfortunately, there weren't enough entries to award first place, but I'd like to send you a little something with this review in recognition of your excellent story (and Writing.Com's 11th birthday).

Thank you for participating in Sinister Stories, and I hope to see entries from you in future rounds!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

783

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3576324

Review of The Letter from Eiros M. Valdemar

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi Chrissy A.Poe

-

The following is my official review as a judge for the Sinister Stories Contest, and I have enclosed the following Dark Society review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I think the setup was compelling and the characters were engaging. Right from the start you hooked the reader with an interesting setup and maintained that interest with a fast-paced short story that didn't sacrifice pacing for unnecessary detail. Nice work!

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I thought that the contest prompt of a new-hire employee with a dark/mysterious past was a little lacking in this entry. There was a new family in town that the protagonist dealt with, but for me I was hoping that the prompt's implication of a workplace setting and coworker relationship would have been more prevalent in the story.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I think you did a good job with this story. It was entertaining, compelling, and well written.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

784

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3576315

Review of Self Portrait

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: ASR

| (3.5)

Hi Corey Reynolds

-

The following is my official review as a judge for the Sinister Stories Contest, and I have enclosed the following Dark Society review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I thought that you did a good job with the characterization and the description. As a whole, the story felt fully developed and was engaging to read. You provided just the right amount of detail to make the events come to life in the reader's imagination, but not so much that it became dense or dull.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

In terms of the contest, I'm not really seeing the prompt about a new employee with a dark/mysterious background used very effectively. For a contest with a prompt, I usually like to see the prompt featured prominently in the story, if not a central, integral issue to the narrative.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, my reaction to this story was mixed. As a standalone piece of writing, I think it was quite good and has a lot of strong points. As an entry for the July 2011 Sinister Stories Contest, I feel that it missed the mark conceptually. Other than that, though, it was a very enjoyable story. Well done!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

785

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3574877

Review of The Man With Blood On His Hands

Review by Jeff

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hi Stokecity,

I thought you did a good job with this story. The choice to present the tale completely through dialogue and inner monologue/conversation made the story move briskly along and really captured the reader's attention. The only suggestion I have is to perhaps edit to avoid "parroting" in the dialogue (where one voice says something that's immediately echoed by the second), and repetition of the same discussion (where they are, what's going on, etc.). With dialogue it can be tempting to fill in every aspect of a conversation... but it's often the unfinished and sporadic bits of dialogue that feel the most naturalistic.

I hope this helps. I really enjoyed your story.

SoCalScribe

786

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14 days may be credited.

#3574866

Review of In Dreams

Review by Jeff

Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)

This was a great story, Max. Your description was excellent, and the detail you infused into the story really set the tone for the piece. I was hooked from beginning to end; you managed to create a compelling short story that was concise and entirely effective.

Well done!

SoCalScribe

787

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14 days may be credited.

#3574865

Review of April's Story

Review by Jeff

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Meg,

I thought this was a really well-written story with a captivating theme. it was concise and to the point and entirely effective at getting the point across. Sometimes, "message" stories (especially shorter ones) suffer from being too preachy or abrasive about getting their point across, but I thought you handled the issue with delicacy and sophistication. Well done!

SoCalScribe

788

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14 days may be credited.

#3566274

Review of Dead Rising: Your Story

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Talent Pond

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi BIG BAD WOLF is Merry

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Talent Pond review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

The instructions are clear and concise. From the front page, potential contributors know exactly what kind of interactive story they're getting involved with, and what the rules are.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I was hoping for a little background info (or links to info) on the source material for the story. If there were an easy reference point so people who are unfamiliar with the DEAD RISING franchise could read about it and familiarize themselves, I think you have the potential to find even more contributors.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, this looks like a fun interactive story with a good setup. Well done!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

789

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3566140

Review of The Young Detective Misfits

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Talent Pond

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi LaVerne

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Talent Pond review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I really like the concept. The title is descriptive and engaging, and perfectly fit your young characters and the adventures that they undergo over the course of this story.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

If I had one suggestion, it would be to make the story a little more active (not so much waiting around or passive inaction) while the story unfolds, but that's a relatively minor suggestion for an otherwise engaging item.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I think you did a good job with this story; it was a pleasure to read.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

790

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3565666

Review of A Weekend at Eagle House- Chapter1

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hi carphi

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

You did a great job with your use of detail and description. The world you created was vivid and clear in my mind as I read; I got a real sense for who these characters are and the event to which they've been invited.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I felt that the events in the story were a little one-note. I know this is the beginning of a story, but the chapter focused on a variety of characters as they're invited to a dinner party... and every character seemed to have the same reaction, which was excitement about the invitation and a willingness to go. I think it would be more effective if at least one or two of the invitees were apprehensive about or uninterested in going, at least a little bit to create some tension.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I think this is a solid story that was engaging and interesting. It would be a pleasure to feature in the next issue of the Official Mystery Newsletter!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

Animated Penguin Simply Positive review signature

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

791

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3565624

Review of Code World: Mother’s Day

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hi RainbowSheltie

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I liked your take on the prompt. I thought it was original and creative and you did a good job creating a bond between the brothers that really shone through and defined them.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I felt like there was a little too much backstory for the characters. With so few words in a flash fiction story, it can be tough to try to include so much information without it seeming dry or forced. I think that if this story were expanded, you could really include a lot of vibrant detail about the brothers, their lives, and their mission... but in a story of less than a thousand words, it felt a little heavy.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I thought you did a good job with this story. It was a compelling read from beginning to end, and it would be a pleasure to feature this item in the next issue of the Official Mystery Newsletter.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

Animated Tweety Simply Positive group sig.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

792

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3554061

Review of The bad and the broken

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

Hi KcG

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I think you did a really effective job with the intro. That short scene really created a sense of mystery and a problem that needed to be solved in this story. It definitely made me want to read on.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I thought that the rest of the story (the "earlier that day") was a little disconnected from the intro. The opening scene involved Ashley dying, but the connection wasn't made with the events earlier in the day. I would recommend bringing the story back around full circle.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I think you did a good job with this story. You definitely set up the potential for a compelling mystery. It felt a little unfinished, but if you can bring the events of the intro back into the story, I think you'd have a great piece on your hands. Good work!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

793

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3545902

Review of The Burning

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Hi Fadz

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Rising Stars Member-to-Member review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I really like the organization of this piece, with the times of the day marking the passing of time and the section headings. I think that's a creative and unique way to structure a piece of writing. I also thought your story was compelling, and your characterization of Caitlyn was excellent.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I was hoping for a little more development of the mythology. You set up a really interesting legend in your story, about the ninth daughter and the manifestation of the Power at the end... I would have loved to have read more detail about the Power and how it is handled by both Caitlyn and her ancestors.

OVERALL COMMENTS

Overall, I think you did a good job with this story. The characterization of Caitlyn was excellent and the narrative was compelling. I'm not sure if it had to be under 1,000 words for a contest entry of some kind, but if not, then I would love to see some more detail about this world you've created.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

794

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3545895

Review of The Bar

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi Paradoxical

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Rising Stars Member-to-Member review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

You did a really good job setting the atmosphere and tone of this piece. Your description was spot on and really created a vivid mental image in the reader's mind. Your concept is well thought out and well executed. All in all, a very satisfying short horror story!

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

The one issue I noticed (and it's a relatively minor one) is the use of italics. It seems like the entire section is italicized, and it was unclear why that is. If it was meant to be the voice speaking (in which case the narrative description should not be italicized). Overall, this is a relatively minor issue in an otherwise solid story.

OVERALL COMMENTS

I thought you did a great job with this story. It was entertaining, spooky, and well written. Excellent work!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

** Image ID #1718355 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

795

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3543994

Review of Itch

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi Kotaro

-

The following is my official review as a judge for the Sinister Stories Contest, and I have enclosed the following Dark Society review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

Great story and excellent description. The narrative was well formed and presented effectively; I was hooked from beginning to end with this compelling tale.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I was hoping that the ancient evil would have been described a little more, and its relation to the modern world explained a little more. With this prompt, I was hoping for a great juxtaposition between an older entity and adapting to a technological new world... while the story itself was very compelling, I felt that the prompt was more of a peripheral mention rather than a centerpiece of the story.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I think you have a very compelling story here; one that had me riveted from beginning to end. Unfortunately, there were not enough entries to award any places, but I am enclosing some GPs as a thank you for entering this round of the contest and for your excellent entry.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

796

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3543992

Review of Red Phone

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi LuisPadilla

-

The following is my official review as a judge for the Sinister Stories Contest, and I have enclosed the following Dark Society review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I liked your blend of technology with the ancient evil that is Satan bargaining for people's souls. You used modern electronics to good effect, and really came up with a unique take on the prompt of an ancient evil coming alive in modern times.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I think there was a little too much prodding by Satan to remember who he is. For me, the story would have been even stronger if you had lengthened the amount of time between those questions being asked, and really let Dan writhe and squirm and try to figure it out on his own without being prompted so often.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I think this was a compelling story with a great take on the prompt. Unfortunately, there are not enough entries to award any places, but I am enclosing some GPs with this review as a thank you for taking the time to enter, and as a consolation prize since I think you did a really great job with your story. Thank you for entering!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

797

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3536541

Review of Hidden in Plain Thought- Lilly

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hi Salem O'Rourke

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I like the premise of this piece. Split Personality Disorder is always a fascinating topic for a mystery, especially when the subject is unaware of the other potential personalities. You did a good job of creating a compelling narrative with a sympathetic and confused protagonist.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I was hoping for a little more in terms of conflict and tension in the story. It seems like there was a lot of lead up to the revelation that they believed she suffered from Split Personality Disorder... almost as if that revelation were the climax of the story. I think it would be more interesting if you started with the last scene of her in the interview room, and went from there. For me, having Split Personality Disorder isn't what's interesting; it's what she does with that information once she finds out.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I thought there were a lot of good elements to the story. Conceptually, I think you've come up with something interesting and exciting, and you're well on your way to having a very compelling story.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

798

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3536383

Review of RIDDLE - Old English style

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi Manuel

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

Good structure. The layout of the poem is creative and effective; it's concise, to the point, and the way each line is structured makes the piece feel - as a whole - well designed and presented.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

You might want to consider putting the answer to the riddle in the item. You could use a dropnote or a popnote to hide it, so a reader would actually have to click to figure it out. If you wanted them to be able to figure it out on their own, that is.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

I must have read this poem a dozen times, and I'm still no closer to figuring out the riddle. I'm officially stumped... so if that was the intention of the piece, congratulations!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

799

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3534440

Review of ONE DAY AN ANGEL

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi SHERRI GIBSON

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

What I loved most about this poem was its complexity. I don't often see poems where every line is nearly a full or even compound sentence, and I think you used that structure to great effect here, creating a full thought or emotion with every one of your lines, rather than relying on an entire stanza of short lines to communicate one thought or idea. As a result, you've created a wonderful piece that's incredibly thought provoking and rich in detail.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

When I write, I always look for ways to shorten my writing... to cut out any unnecessary words that aren't needed to convey my point. There were a couple of lines in this poem that I thought - along those lines - could be pared down ever so slightly to create an even more impactful piece. For example:

"Shimmer like the moon and stars seen above."

"I’ll know peace and happiness that is unlike any other."

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, this is a wonderful piece of writing that is short, simple, and yet says so much. Excellent work!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

800

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3534434

Review of Fairy’s Favor

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Joy

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Simply Positive review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I thought this was a wonderful poem that had an amazing amount a creativity to it. The poem tells a complete story and takes the reader (along with the poem's subject) through a variety of emotions as events unfold with the tooth fairy. All in all, this was an excellent narrative poem.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

Some of the lines felt a little awkward at times. I think - at least to my ear - that comes from some of the rhyming couplets being a disparate number of syllables. For example:

"Under my pillow it was bound,
With Kleenex wrapped around"

For me, I think the 8/6 syllable disparity makes the second line of that couplet feel a little uneven. Adding even one syllable to that line, e.g. "With Kleenex wrapped ALL around," would - IMO - make the couplet even more effective because the syllables would then be 8/7 which feels a little more fluid.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I really enjoyed this poem. The story was captivating and your characters were engaging, creating a complete work that was a pleasure to read.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"
"Beyond The Water's Edge - CLOSED"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .