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Hi two of four  :
I had a chance to review your item today in connection with the "The Official Mod Review Blitz!"  and have enclosed a few comments below, for your consideration. Please keep in mind that my opinion is only that of one person, and you - the author - are in the best position to determine what's most appropriate for your story. Feel free to use or disregard any of the comments below as you see fit.
CONCEPT
What a wonderful concept! As your tagline implies, vampires could very well need dentists too; a concept which struck me as so enticing and exceptionally unique that I just had to read the story... and I wasn't disappointed! You did a great job of putting an original spin on what could have been just another vampire tale. Great job!
STORY
The story was positively brimming with originality. From your protagonist needing to go to the dentist, to the vampire support group where they could air all their concerns and woes, to the characters themselves... you did a remarkable job of keeping everything fresh, interesting and exciting. I've read more than my fair share of vampire tales over the past few years, I was beginning to wonder if I'd exhausted all the possibilities that were out there. Then I came across this story and it reaffirmed my faith in the genre. Originality can still be found in vampire tales! 
CHARACTERS
Your characters were exquisite. I thought you did a particularly good job with the vampires at the support group, showing how their former human lives and careers (pediatrician, CIA agent, etc.) affect their personalities as immortals. That was an inventive touch that, IMO, really put this story over the top.
If I had one suggestion in this area, it would be to give your main character, Simeon, a bit more of a personality to match up with the other vampire characters. We know he's been around a long time, but really don't get a sense of who Simeon is, or what human attributes he brings to the afterlife (like the CIA agent's suspicion, or the pediatrician's compassion). I would have loved to read about what it was Simeon did once upon a time that made him so aloof with his own kind.
DIALOGUE
Your dialogue is well written, realistic, and moves the story along effectively. No problems here. 
STRUCTURE
The structure of your story was tight and clean. There were two clear parts; the first of which involved Simeon's mishap and subsequent seeking out of the support group to address his concerns, and the second of which dealt with his visit to the dentist and subsequent experience with his tooth. Each part was effective, to the point, and enjoyable to read ... and the transition between the two parts was smooth. I would suggest, though, considering a double-space between the parts rather than a dividing line of asterisks, as the latter seems to make a definitive break between the two parts and I think the story would flow more effectively with a less visually apparent transition.
MECHANICS
The only technical error I spotted was the last sentence:
"By the time the sun was fully up, he was in bed with a clean mouth, dreaming of the party he intended to throw and for(?) that little tease Cynthia."
Also, this is more of a personal preference, but based on the way you presented the story, I found myself thinking that a first person perspective might be a little more effective than third person. Simeon is clearly the central figure in the story, and a great deal of the narrative focuses on his thoughts and opinions of the events and other characters that occur ... to the point where I actually forgot at times that the story was being told in the third person. At which point I would inevitably come across something like, 'Thank you, Cynthia," he smiled', and I'd wonder if it was an accidental shift in perspective. Simeon is such a great character and you write so elegantly that the reader can't help but become wrapped up in the world and mind of his character; IMO, that's a perfect setup for a story in the first person perspective.
OVERALL
Overall, I thought this was a wonderful story, full of creativity and originality. You've truly created a work that skirts the line between horror and comedy (not easy to do!) and at the same time, have given your readers a memorable set of characters and a unique situation that they won't soon forget. Superb!
I hope that you've found my comments and observations useful. Thank you for allowing me to rate and review your item. Keep up the good work and keep writing!
Best regards,
- S o C a l S c r i b e
 
Please check out my community items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations" |
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