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 |  My first blog! |
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A Haunted Place  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Who Am I? Ghoulish and dark, serious and intense Okay, I may have exaggerated a little bit! I'm not that gloomy and miserable. I do know how to have fun and I love to laugh. This is my first blog and I've set it up to help motivate myself to write every day... well, almost every day... well, more often than I write now.  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I'm docked at "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond"  , a safe port for bloggers to connect. |
I think I may have taken on too much.  Not only am I still running my "Invalid Item" contest, I also now have my new contest, "Invalid Item" , which already has over 40 entries even though it doesn’t close until the 28th. I am also helping out with the"Gang's Monthly Review Board" and have just agreed to help out again with the "Invalid Item" even though last time it caused me a tremendous amount of stress! Then, if I’m still going, I could do my Simply Positive reviews and the Newbie reviews. Don’t think that is going to happen somehow. I have been inactive in the Simply Positive group for a while now.  What am I doing to myself?! That’s way too much work! Thinking of all that on top of the shitty day I'm having is making me feel a little overwhelmed. But never mind. I like to get involved.  |
Here it is:
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Urgh. I feel so ill. It's almost 7am here and I haven't been to sleep yet. I don't have any sleeping tablets left so I'm just going to have to wait until sleep finds me. I'm so exhausted I don't know how I can possibly still be awake! Perhaps I'm not... perhaps I'm just having an incredibly surreal dream. I'd almost believe that if I didn't feel extremely sick. That certainly isn't a dream. It feels very, very real.  |
I went to my IT thingy again this evening. It is getting a little less tedious now as I’m through most of the basic stuff. I’ve learned a few things about Microsoft Word that I didn’t already know and am about to start my first assignment. I’m quite looking forward to that actually as I’m a bit tired of going through all the irritating simulated crap. (Simulated crap!!!  Mature, I know... ).I’m being so bad about my various medications at the moment. I’m taking my sleeping tablets really late when I should be trying to establish a decent routine. I’m skipping my antidepressants when I should be coming off them gradually and now I’ve pretty much stopped taking the antibiotics I’m on too. I know this is really, really stupid. I don’t know why I’m not taking them. I just can’t seem to make myself do it. Think I might make a doctor’s appointment tomorrow and ask him to get me locked up. But then if I get locked up I won’t be able to go to my driving lesson! I have just two lessons left now before the test. ARRRGGGGHHHHH! Can’t wait to get it over and done with. I’m so excited because I think I’m going to be able to get a car sooner than I thought I’d be able to. I was talking to my Dad on the phone about my lessons when I jokingly asked him if he’d like to buy me a car. HE SAID YES!!!!! He is going to give me £500 towards getting one. Wow! I can’t wait! Fingers crossed I pass my test first time! |
| I was in such a good mood and then suddenly I wasn’t. The time it took me to switch from feeling good-humoured to feeling so damn angry and annoyed that I’m secretly giving everyone The Death Glare must be some kind of record. My irritability threshold was unbelievably low anyway but I’ve noticed since I’ve started taking sleeping tablets, it has been even lower. I didn’t know that was possible. But it most definitely is. I don’t really have anything to say about my day today. Instead, I’m going to use this opportunity to follow one of the prompts from "Between the Lines (Retired)" . In her entry, Melissa is fashionably late!  wrote about a horrendous migraine she suffered through recently. I’ve never had a migraine before but Mark C ~ 9 years on WDC! gets them a lot and I always feel so bad when he’s going through one, not to mention helpless.The most pain I’ve ever been in is when I had appendicitis—both times. The first time my appendix decided to play up I was in school and my French teacher would not allow me to leave the lesson to see the school nurse. When I eventually was allowed to go to the nurse’s office she wasn’t there.  I had no idea what to do. I was in horrible pain and absolutely terrified. I can’t really remember what happened but I think eventually one teacher had the presence of mind to contact my mum. She knew as soon as she saw me that something serious was going on and took me to see the doctor. He examined me and then told me to get to A & E (Accident and Emergency).I don’t particularly want to write about what happened to me there at the moment. I have written about it several times in my poetry now. I’ll just say it was the most traumatic experience of my life and something I still struggle with today. Anyway, I was kept in hospital overnight and the pain had settled down by the next day. A few months later it flared up again and I went straight to hospital. I barely remember the second time at all but they decided to take my appendix out. I had the operation and was in tremendous pain for weeks afterwards. I wasn’t allowed to do any sports for over two months, which was really tough for me. Occasionally I still get pain where the scar is but mostly I’m just left with the mental pain the whole experience caused me. I think on the whole I have a pretty high threshold for pain. Probably as doing karate really helped to toughen me up. I remember on the week-long karate courses I went to how shit I felt but how I was able to keep going. It was sheer determination! Thanks to karate I feel I am much better at handling pain. I didn’t even cry the time I got punched in the face! I’m going to shut up now. I think I’m rambling. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
Today has been okay though that’s probably because I spent most of it in bed.  I have just been unbelievably tired today. My driving lesson was tough and I got pretty stressed. My instructor is being really harsh on me, and I realise that’s because my test is coming up, but I don’t respond well to that kind of teaching technique. It just gets me more stressed and then I ask even more questions. I know he hates me asking so many questions all the time but I seriously can’t help it. My OCD (otherwise known as The Doubting Disease) kicks in big time when I’m driving and I just find myself questioning every single little decision I have to make. It so frustrating. I wish I’d told him about my OCD and then perhaps he’d be a little more understanding.This frigging great big bus nearly crashed into me today. It started to pull away from the stop when I was passing it.  Thankfully a combination of me swerving and the driver finally realising I was there stopped us from having a collision. Thank goodness there wasn’t a car in the other lane otherwise I would have smashed into it. My instructor reassured me it wasn’t my fault but that it would have been better to brake, not swerve. But seriously, my instincts just kicked in. It was very scary and I’m having a hard time switching off from it now. Jadey enjoyed her walk today. Unfortunately I only got to take her out once but she had a great time as always and rolled several times even though the grass was soaking wet. She’s totally mad! Otherwise, I haven’t been up to a whole lot. The contest is still going well. I haven’t been reviewing much lately but hope to get into that again soon. I also have a new poem in my port which I don’t think I plugged in here, so here it is :
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| Winter is definitely on her way. I felt so cold earlier that I wore my lovely, snugly dressing gown over the top of my clothes, and yes, I did look like an idiot. But at least I was a warm idiot! I’ve had such a quiet day today and have spent a lot of it online. I keep logging in to have a peek at how my contest is doing. I’m so excited about it. We’ve already had nineteen entries and it’s only the second day. A lot of generous people have made donations too. I’m so happy about it and I hope the interest stays high. I want lots and lots of entries even if that does mean lots and lots of reviewing! I really haven’t been up to much else. I watched X Factor with my Mum which was fun. I’ve also played on Sims 3 a lot—I have a very interesting family! I have been so tired today despite getting a pretty good night’s sleep and going back to bed for an hour this afternoon. It might just be because I’m almost due for another B12 injection. Hopefully that will give me a boost of energy. I’m hoping to try going without a sleeping tablet tonight. As I’m so tired I should be able to drift off naturally. Fingers crossed anyway. Despite the lack of energy my anxiety levels have been pretty high today and I’ve had this feeling I sometimes get that I just don’t have enough time to do everything I want to do. That makes me rush around like crazy and I can’t do anything about it. I try to slow down but it just doesn’t happen and I get more and more exhausted. Sometimes it is just my thoughts rushing through like mad, like now, and that makes typing pretty hard! I don’t have anything on tomorrow so I might try and rest a bit. I might also try to get some of my IT work done. I’ll just see how I feel though. I seem to be spending every day at the moment praying to a god I don’t even believe in to speed up my CBT referral. I’ve never felt so desperate before. I know my GP is doing everything he can but I need help NOW. The mental health services in this country are so shit. |
 Jade is one of the most playful dogs I have ever met. Whenever anybody new comes into the house the first thing she does is grab her toy and takes it up to the new person. It’s so adorable! And whenever she wants to play she’ll just hold her toy in front of whoever she has chosen to be her playmate and gives the most incredibly effective “puppy-dog” eyes. It is almost impossible to resist those eyes! She has a couple of toys that she loves. We have to get tough, durable ones as she can destroy the flimsy, plastic squeaky ones in minutes. She can pierce her teeth through a tennis ball in seconds and will then proceed to rip it into tiny bits. Occasionally we’ll get her something like that as she has fun demolishing it and we have fun watching her do it. But mostly we stick to giving her toys that will last a little longer! She has several games she loves to play and I can’t believe how inventive she is. She loves to play the “Dare game” where she’ll put her toy down between herself and her opponent, dare them with her eyes to get it, and then it’s a race to see who can reach it first. She made up that game. None of us ever taught her! She also likes tug-of-war and likes the toy to be thrown so she can chase after it. Another invented game of hers is to put the toy near a blanket or something, drag the blanket over the toy with her paws and then try and get it out again. I think it’s so cool that she came up with this herself! When I play with her, I often like to do things that will make her need to use her brain as well as her energy. I sometimes put the toy behind my back and she has to guess which side it will appear. Another favourite, which we just played tonight, is where I shut her in the kitchen then hide her toy in the living room. When I let her back in and say “where’s your toy?” she races around looking for it. I’m always impressed with how smart she is and how she always goes to previous hiding places to check first. Today I saw her glancing up at the table and the bookcase to see if I’d put it there, which I never have, but I think that shows initiative and brainpower. I get so down sometimes and I hate that yet again I’m spending a Saturday night in with nothing to do but I feel so lucky to have my dog. She really gives me something to live for and I think I’d be a lost cause without her. I can’t actually believe how much I love her! |
My contest is now open:
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| So, a 41 year old woman was killed by lethal injection in Virginia yesterday. It doesn’t matter that she had an IQ well below average. It doesn’t matter that other people were involved in the murders. It doesn’t matter that killing is wrong and an eye for an eye is wrong. Only one man had the power to save her life and despite many appeals he didn’t. How is he any better than her? The subject of the death penalty gets me so damn angry that I don’t even know if I can talk coherently about it. I just can’t stand the hypocrisy of it. I can’t stand that in some places it is legal to decide whether someone should die. Who has the right to decide that? Nobody. It absolutely sickens me. What if mistakes are made and innocent people are killed for a crime they did not commit? How is it right to leave people for years and years on death row? How is it right to put their innocent families through something like that? It’s a form of torture. What I hate most about it though is that it seems to suggest people do not have the capacity to change and it doesn’t recognise remorse. I’m so glad I live in Britain but if the death penalty was ever restored here then I’d move country. That’s how strongly I feel about it. I haven’t even come close to describing how fucked up I believe capital punishment is. I just can’t seem to express my thoughts on this subject clearly. |
| Today has not been the best day. Not the worst either though! I can’t really remember a lot of it... That’s weird. I think I got up pretty late. Yeah... that’s right. I couldn’t walk Jade as she has a bad leg which has been even worse since we took her to the vet on Tuesday. I think all the stretching, prodding and poking has just made whatever is wrong with her flare up. Hopefully I’ll be able to take her out tomorrow, even if it is just a short walk. I spoke to my doctor today and told him I don’t want to take my medication anymore. I’ve skipped two nights which I know isn’t a good idea as you're supposed to come off it slowly. I just can’t seem to make myself take it anymore. My doctor has told me to go from 60mg to 40mg. But maybe I won’t come off it after all as I’ve noticed that my OCD thoughts have gotten bad again since I stopped taking it. So they do actually work a bit. They don’t do anything for my depression though! I’m still on the sleeping tablets, which I love, but I don’t think I’ll be on them for much longer. I started my IT course properly this evening. It was rather tedious but the tutors are great. My sister is doing it too and we’re now referred to as The Troublemakers ( ) because we kept having to ask for help as nobody has explained to us what we’re doing or how to do it. (It’s all soooooo disorganised). I think I should be able to work through it quite quickly though.I've already had quite a lot of interest in my new contest and I can't wait to open it on the 25th. If you missed the link in my last entry, here it is again 
And that’s about it. Everyone is out tonight so I think it is going to be a long and lonely evening. At least I have Jade! I have another driving lesson tomorrow. My test is just around the corner now and I’m terrified! ARGH!!! Edit: I've added some entries to my Poetic Diary.
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I have a new poetry contest which opens on the 25th. It is open to all WDC members. Please consider entering!
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| Apologies if this offends anyone—I’m just explaining my beliefs. I’m in a bad mood so it will probably come across as quite strong. One of my major pet peeves is people stopping me in the street or coming to my home to try and force their religion on me. I am an atheist and have been for years. Before that I considered myself agnostic but I have never, ever believed in a god with all my heart. I always had doubts and questions. What bugs me about people who go around trying to convert others is that they seem to think us non-believers haven’t given a second thought to our beliefs—that we’re the amoral who need to be shown the right track and if we only open our hearts to God then we’ll be transformed... blah, blah, blah. Well, they don’t know shit. None of those people realise that I did once open my heart to God. When my brother died I so badly wanted to believe in God and heaven and all that stuff. I couldn’t bear the thought that my brother had just stopped existing—that he was completely gone. But where was their god then? Nowhere near me, that’s for sure. I’d never felt more alone in my life. It was my first experience of the death of a person close to me. I’ve always been a private person and I couldn’t talk to anyone. I only told one of my school friends and that’s because I had to as she knew him. I couldn’t tell anyone else. I couldn’t talk to my family. I basically lived in my mind for two months pleading for God to be real and let me know he was there. But he wasn’t. So I don’t believe. I don’t even want to believe anymore. Five years on, I am very secure in my beliefs. The idea of a god and an afterlife scares me. I definitely do not want to be conscious forever. I do not want to spend eternity with a god who lets the most terrible things happen. Even if he does exist, he will never exist for me. In the past, if people approached me about religion I’d try to explain my beliefs but I don’t bother with that anymore. What’s the point? It just starts a disagreement that neither party will back down from. Now, if someone stops me to ask if I believe in god or whatever I just say yes and pass by. I find that is the easiest thing to do and everyone goes away happy—they don’t think I’m a poor lost soul who needs saving and I don’t have to listen to them go on about a god I don’t want to believe in. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I don't know if I can live like this for much longer. I don't even know how I'm still going to be honest. Why can't anyone help me? |
| I’ve been watching David Attenborough’s Life series and am finding it absolutely incredible. I am so in awe of the diversity of life on the planet and the complexities of nature. Everything is so intricate and the lives of different species interwoven. I have been reminded of just why I decided to study Animal Biology and Conservation at University. Every species seems to have a purpose and a role to play in the huge machine that is our earth. For the first time in a long time I am feeling positive about this subject again. I have been feeling disillusioned about the importance of conservation ever since my last year at University but now I can see that it is important and that we have a responsibility to limit and repair the damage we have caused. Grrrrrrr. I am trying to philosophise on life or whatever when my sister and her boyfriend are watching “Outnumbered” which is just about the most irritating television series around at the moment! I can’t stand it and I can’t concentrate on what I’m writing. I’ve already tried reviewing but had to give up on that. Think I’ll give up on this blog entry too! |
| My days are not particularly enjoyable at the moment whilst I am unemployed and struggling with illness but there is one thing that always works to cheer me up and that’s walking my dog, Jade (AKA, Jadey, Jadeymeister, Pickle, Jellybean...!) I don’t always feel like doing it as my energy levels are low but once I say the word ‘walkies’ to her she leaps up and starts bounding around and it becomes impossible not to catch at least some of her enthusiasm. We always have a ridiculous amount of fun on our walks. Jade absolutely throws herself into them, and I mean that literally! She loves to roll and often executes what I have termed “The Flying Roll” where she runs and then hurls herself onto her back. I don’t think I have ever been on a walk with her where she hasn’t rolled. She does it whatever the weather. My Mum and I once counted how many she did on a walk and it was nearing fifty! Now she’s getting older she can’t quite manage such impressive numbers, but she certainly tries her best. Sometimes we have a run together, which she adores, but I’ve had to cut back on that as her legs have started to get really stiff.My Jadey trots along in front of me, stopping every now and then to sniff things, like a lamppost or a wrapper on the ground. Occasionally she tries to pick things up off the ground but always desists when I say “Yuck, that’s gross, let’s leave that.” She is very social and tries to pull towards passing people. I hold her back though as I realise not everyone wants to make friends with her! She isn’t friendly towards other dogs though, which is pretty annoying, but I understand she is only trying to look after me. She is pretty protective of me and will glance over her shoulder at me every now and then, and often stops to sniff my knees. I don’t know exactly why she does that but I think she is probably checking up on me. It’s so cute! I’m finding life a struggle at the moment but walking my dog has become really important to me and is the highlight of my day. It helps me to feel useful and I love seeing how something so simple can make someone so happy. I feel so lucky to have such a great dog and I love her to bits!  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Today has been a slightly better day though I have been unbelievably tired for most of it. I’m wondering if that is the affect of the sleeping pill on my body. If so, I hope my body adapts to it quickly! I went to the Shaw Trust this morning and spoke to an advisor about hopefully getting back to work. She was much more helpful than the guy I saw before and has given me lots of information on volunteer opportunities. I had to go back to bed when I got home and slept for longer than I intended to! I must have needed it though. The rest of my day has pretty much been the same as usual. I walked Jadey which was nice. She started limping on the walk and I took a look at her paw and found a thorn in it. Poor thing! I was able to get it out though and she was fine after that. I have just done my good deed of the day which was to send three reviews and a Cnote to a newbie. Hopefully they’ll like it! I hope to make a start on my contest reviews later, but I’ll see how it goes. I have been trying to get back involved with the blogging community again but recently I have commented on three different blogs and got absolutely no response from the authors. That has made me feel a bit OCDish and paranoid and I’ve kind of lost my confidence again when it comes to commenting. But never mind! I have a new story in my port:
I’m quite proud of this one though very nervous about sharing it. I hope people will like it! And that is pretty much all I have to say right now.  |
| Today has been awful, awful, awful. My Mum is practically forcing me to do this IT course and today I went along to the induction with my sister. I had a moment of hope where they thought I might not be allowed on the course as I have good GCSEs, A Levels and a degree and they can’t get funding for someone with so many decent qualifications or something like that. But then they found out I could get funding as I’m unemployed. Damn! I have to go in on Tuesday to have an English and Maths assessment and then I get started. It’s only a minimum of four hours a week so hopefully it won’t be too hard but I really don’t want to do it. That put me in a pretty bad mood which I just haven’t been able to snap out of. My week of good deeds thing is going well—on Monday I gifted three mini showers from the Showering Acts of Joy group, on Tuesday I gave someone an awardicon, on Wednesday I sent three reviews to someone I haven’t reviewed before and today I reviewed most of the items that were featured in the recent Newbie Newsletter. I was going to do all of them but I have absolutely run out of steam and can’t do another review tonight. I'll try to do the last one tomorrow. My doctor’s appointment went well yesterday. My GP is wonderful! I read recently that in the UK GPs usually spend around seven minutes with each patient but I was talking to my doctor for almost half an hour! He didn’t have good news though as it seems that I’m still going to have to wait a month for my referral to come through. In the meantime he has prescribed me sleeping pills as we both agree my mental state would probably improve a little if I actually got some decent sleep. Last night was my first time taking one and it was AMAZING! When I lay down to sleep my mind automatically went to all the thoughts that usually play on loop in my head, keeping me awake, but this time they seemed really distant. It was peaceful in my head for probably the FIRST TIME EVER. It was beautiful and relaxing and I got to sleep so fast. I did wake up twice but that was because I got disturbed by my dog. Recently I have been waking up for no reason at all. I hope the tablet has the same effect on me tonight. It was so nice! |
| I don't get people, I really don't. I feel like I'm a totally different species to everyone else and nobody has taught me all the rules of humanity yet. I don't get the mind games. I don't get what I have to do to actually be treated like a person. I don't know what I'm supposed to do to fit in on this planet. I am so, so tired of it all. Thank goodness I am seeing my doctor tomorrow because I can't carry on like this. I need help now. |
Well, I have recovered after my little pity party yesterday thanks to Phoenix , Brooklyn  and Mark C ~ 9 years on WDC! . I received two lovely merit badges that really helped to cheer me up. Look!![Merit Badge in Family
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I noticed you don't have one of these and I think you deserve it. You are an important part of my WDC family. You've made me smile on more than one occasion, now it's my turn.
To a wonderful woman that I'm honored to know and count among my friends, thank you Jess for all you do and who you are. (((hugs)))
*^*Heart*^* ~ Brooke](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/badges/genre-Family-584.gif) ![Merit Badge in Ghost
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With ghostranch as your username/handle you really should have one of these among your MB collection. Now if only there was a 'Ranch' MB... *^*Wink*^* Knowing you're particularly down at the moment I hope this will get you smiling. Love you beautiful! *^*Heart*^* *^*Kiss*^*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/badges/genre-Ghost-700.gif) And I received lots of kind words too, which I am so grateful for. It also helps that I have had my revenge on the main person who caused me to throw a pity party for myself. Of course this is revenge Jess-style which means the person who upset me probably doesn’t even know that they did and therefore probably haven’t even noticed that I have had my revenge. But still, I feel better! And even better than that, there hasn’t been any conflict, which I hate. I still wish I was brave enough to call the person who upset me up on it though and ask why they treat me so badly. But you can’t have everything. I’m just going to let it go and remind myself that some people make better friends than others and not everyone values loyalty and consideration for others as much as I do. My new short story is now in my port. It isn’t public yet but it was a big deal just getting it in my port. I don’t why I have such a hard time sharing my stories! Sharing poetry is so much easier. But I haven’t written any poetry in ages so I don’t have any new pieces to share. I just haven’t felt like writing much recently. Anyway, I hope I can be brave soon and make the story public.I've noticed that since I got the awardicon for my dark poetry folder about 6 days ago that I have been getting absolutely loads of views, mostly of the folder and the stuff in it, but of some other stuff too. On Wednesday I got 36 views, on Thursday it was 57, on Friday 79, on Saturday 49 and yesterday I got 70! I do tend to get my fair share of views but usually it's around 20 or less! What's with the sudden interest?! Not that I'm complaining! I like that people are reading my work. I just wish I was getting more reviews too! I had a great driving lesson today. I made a few silly mistakes as I was so tired but on the whole it was a really good lesson. My test is fast approaching and I am getting so, so nervous. When I got back I walked the dog with my Mum to B & Q. That was nice, though long and way too hot! Jadey enjoyed it though she got a bit tired, I think. She did loads of rolls, as usual! Now I’m exhausted. I didn’t get much sleep last night and then had to get up early for the driving lesson. I think I’ll probably go back to bed for a bit even though I know I shouldn’t really. I hope to get some reviewing done later today. I have one Simply Positive review left and it would be nice to make a start on my contest reviews. I have also decided that I’m going to try and do at least one good deed a day this week, whether it’s raiding the port of newbie or sending a cNote or a merit badge or something like that. I’m not sure yet. I’m feeling inspired after the kindness that was shown to me yesterday. I just really want to pass it on. Anyway, I can give that some more thought later when I’ve caught up on my sleep. |
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