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 |  My first blog! |
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A Haunted Place  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Who Am I? Ghoulish and dark, serious and intense Okay, I may have exaggerated a little bit! I'm not that gloomy and miserable. I do know how to have fun and I love to laugh. This is my first blog and I've set it up to help motivate myself to write every day... well, almost every day... well, more often than I write now.  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I'm docked at "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond"  , a safe port for bloggers to connect. |
| ...to get noticed sometimes, and be appreciated too. I work so hard to be nice to everyone and help people out etc and mostly I do it because I want to be nice and I like helping people. But there is a small part of me that craves just a little something in return. Maybe that’s selfish of me but I think it is a very human thing to want too. I just feel a little neglected sometimes. I wonder if it’s my fault. I don’t know how I come across, especially online. I worry that I’m not likeable. I want to be liked! That’s only natural isn’t it?  Today has been rather rubbish so I suppose that is why I’m feeling pretty sorry for myself. I slept in way too late and my neck is killing me for some reason. I’ve seen photos of the karate lot at this year’s summer school and I actually feel devastated that I had to miss it. DEVASTATED. I’m not going to dwell on karate though because I miss it so much that it physically hurts. I actually want to die when I think of everything I have lost—my friends, karate, my independence, my privacy—I’d do anything to go back in time and try even harder to stop my life from falling apart. If I’d just tried harder I would still have everything that was ever important to me. I’m finding it harder and harder to block those things out. I feel so lost and alone. I feel like I’m screaming in a room full of people and everyone is looking away, too embarrassed by my behaviour to help me. I am not coping in my life anymore. I can’t even take care of myself. I haven’t eaten properly for months. I don’t know what to do anymore. |
| ...or someone shirking their responsibilities or a social parasite. I am so annoyed and upset right now. I am sick of people viewing the unemployed as lazy freeloaders who don’t want to get to work. I have a genuine medical problem and have been declared unfit for work by two doctors. Not that it matters. I’m still a pathetic scrounger to most people. It doesn’t matter that I’m desperate to sort my health out and I’m desperate to start working and trying everything I can to fix my life. It’s not my fault that everything works against me all the fooking time. If the government want to get the “off sick” people back into work as quickly as possible then they need to sort the ridiculous mental health service out. There are way too many people with severe mental health problems on the waiting lists for counselling and CBT etc. If these people didn’t have to wait months for help then they could be at work already. I could be working already. It does my head in. And I’m so SICK of other people judging me when they don’t know anything about me or my situation. I’d do anything to switch places with them just for one day and they can see what it’s like to absolutely hate themselves for not being able to cope with simple things and feeling judged and despised by people who are able to work. I can’t stand that superior ‘I’m working and contributing, you’re not so you’re a lazy bum’ attitude. What I want to say to those people is get off your fucking soapboxes, remove your heads from your arses and realise that many people off sick from work are NOT faking it. They are not lazy. They DO want to work and contribute to society. It makes me so angry. I just want to cry. I knew my positive attitude wouldn’t last.  |
| Is there anything better than sleep? I don’t think so! At the moment I crave it all the time. ALL the time. Unfortunately sleep doesn’t come easily to me, and I often wake up, but I still love it. I hate having to get out of bed, especially if it is cold! I remember how freezing it used to get in my flat at University during winter. If I had to get up for an early lecture I’d dart out of bed to put the heater on and then dive back underneath the duvet and stay there until my room had warmed up! It’s horrible getting up when it’s still dark too. I suppose we have that to look forward to again with winter approaching. Not that I usually get up that early! But if I manage to get a job then I’ll have to get used to it again. When I was a child, I hated sleep. Sleep was something that got in the way of playtime and I was always begging my parents to let me stay up a little longer. Now I regret all the time I spent fighting it! I’m pretty sure I sleep way too much at the moment and I don’t think so much of it is healthy. But hopefully I’ll get my life back on track soon and will be able to establish a better routine. I have been referred to the Shaw Trust again and hopefully this time they will actually help me. Supposedly they help and support ‘disabled and disadvantaged people to prepare for work, find jobs and live more independently.’ That’s what their website says anyway but they certainly didn’t help me before. I’m seeing a different person this time though, so who knows, maybe it will be better now. My Mum has also bullied me into doing an IT course with my sister. I’m not really looking forward to it but I’m going to give it a try. I think my sister will be more motivated to stick with it if I’m doing it too and we’ll be able to help each other. My referral for CBT still hasn’t come through yet but I’m seeing my doctor soon and will ask him if anything can be done to speed it up. I’m kind of losing the plot here so could really do with some help! What with all that coming up, plus my driving lessons, I am going to be pretty busy! Hopefully I won’t be having driving lessons for much longer though as I have booked my practical test. I’m soooooo ridiculously scared but still have a little while yet to prepare for it thankfully. I have a small glimmer of hope, which I don’t get to feel very often, and I’m feeling a teensy bit more positive about life today. I don’t know how long that will last though! If I fail at sorting my life out I’ll just go to bed and sleep my days away. That sounds like a plan! Edit: I forgot to say! My lovely friend Hannah ♫♥♫  gave me a beautiful black ribbon for my dark poetry folder. Look!
It looks great! I love it!  |
| Mark went home yesterday so I am feeling quite sad and lonely. It was a great visit and we did lots, like going for a meal with my sister and her new boyfriend, walking the dog, watching films etc. We went into town as well and I bought too many books and spent way too much money on pyjamas! I was brave enough to let Mark read one of my completed short stories and one of my unfinished ones. I don’t know why but I get so nervous about letting people read my stories. I feel much more confident about my poetry! I suppose it’s because I’m still pretty new to story writing. Mark was very positive about both stories though so I may have a new story in my port soon to go along with "Invalid Item" , "Invalid Item" and "Invalid Item" . But I don’t know... I’m scared! Today has been a loooooong day and I have been very tired for most of it and still am now even though I got up late and went back to bed for a bit! I can’t stand this constant exhaustion. My Grandma is visiting for four days and arrived today with my aunt and two cousins who are going to London tomorrow. My cousins are so unbelievably annoying. They are twelve and fourteen now but act about five and seven. I can’t believe what they get away with and how they behave towards their mother. Back in my day (wow that makes me sound like an old woman!) we were brought up to be polite and respectful to others. But they are such brats!  I have a busy day tomorrow as I’ve got a driving lesson in the morning and am then having an ultrasound scan in the evening. I’m really not looking forward to that as I’ve had one before and did not enjoy the experience. In fact, I hated it. It doesn’t hurt but you have to have a full bladder and that’s so uncomfortable and a bit worrying. Plus the guy who did the scan before was really unfriendly. I hope I get someone nicer this time! Edit: I have two new entries in my "Invalid Item" and hope to add more tomorrow! 
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I went to the shop with Mark this morning to find that someone has stolen my Mum’s hanging flower baskets which were either side of the front door. But if that’s not bad enough, there’s more! Not only were they stolen, they were replaced by one shabby basket containing dead flowers.  Who would do something like that? It’s so irritating! It would have been irritating enough to have realised they’d been stolen but the fact that the thief dumped their bedraggled basket on us just makes the whole thing even more annoying! Grrrrrrrr. The cheek of some people is absolutely unbelievable! |
| I have a horrible pain in my side again. It's my right side this time. It isn't quite as bad as my left side was a few days ago, thankfully, but it's still not very nice. I'm just trying to decide if it's bad enough to go and see a doctor or if I'm just being a baby about it because I'm very tired and a bit down! I suppose I'll wait a bit to see if it settles down. I feel bad for Mark though, who's visiting, as I'm being pretty moody at the moment and am probably not much fun to be around!!! |
| I wish I wasn’t so... useless. I really need and want a job but lack of energy, motivation, confidence and experience are all holding me back. So I just sit around all day, mostly doing nothing. I’m sick of not being able to afford things. I want my own place! I want a car! I know, ‘I want doesn’t get’ but I need help sorting my life out so I can get to work and earn the things I want. But the thing is, nobody is helping me. I’m on the waiting list for CBT but in the meantime I just have to struggle on with next to no support. At the moment I feel like the humiliation I have suffered when asking for help has all been for nothing because nothing is happening now! Anyway, enough moaning! I have been so busy on WDC recently, and more active than I have been in ages. I’ve nearly finished running my first auction! Usually I just help out with it but because Hannah ♫♥♫ has broken her arm, I’ve taken over for her. I never realised just quite how much work running an auction is! It has been difficult and stressful but also fun, in a way, as it has given me something to do and helped me to feel involved on the site again. I don’t have a clue what I’m doing but, like my current handle suggests, I’m just winging it! That’s how I live my life, I think!I’m also getting back into reviewing. I have to finish my contest reviews and also have two more to do to fulfil the package I donated to the auction. I’m finding it as hard as ever but I really want to get back to doing it regularly. I miss being active in the Simply Positive groups. Mark is coming tomorrow and I can’t wait to see him. But before he arrives I have a mock driving test.  Seeing as I failed my last one I’m pretty nervous. But I’m also determined to do better this time! |
| It is almost 4:30am here in England and I am STILL AWAKE!!! I am totally exhausted but my mind just won't shut down and that is stopping me from sleeping. I get so frustrated and sometimes scared by the shit that plays on a constant loop in my head. Wish I could get some peace and quiet! |
| ...obviously not the day. I'm so tired. And my mind is about to explode! |
| My sister came to wake me up this morning to ask when I was getting up so she and her new “boyfriend” (sort-of boyfriend) could go up and sleep. So thanks for that, sis! I was so tempted to go back to sleep and get up in my own time but wasn’t able to get back to sleep. So I’ve been kicked out of my own room. I can’t stand this! We’re too old to share a room. I need to get out of here. At least I got the first meeting with the new guy out of the way. I think I like the old one better. At least he never kicked me out of my own room! He seemed okay, really. A bit shy, but then I am too! For some reason my appendix scar is really itchy today and I also had some pain around there yesterday which I’ve started to get on and off again for the first time in about seven years. It’s kind of unsettling and I’m a little worried about it. Damn it, I’ve been up about 45 minutes and already this day is rubbish! |
| I want to know what promises to keep I wanna know how guilty people sleep I wanna know if willows really weep I wanna know where’s my reward to reap? I wanna know why the devil’s not wrung dry I wanna know why politicians lie I wanna know why nobody gets high I wanna know why they don’t’ even try I wanna know if all you need is love I wanna know the word from up above I wanna know what you’re thinking of I wanna know when you have had enough I wonder why we think we’re doing so well I wonder what time will be able to tell Na na, na na yeah, 6x I wanna know what it feels like to be king I wanna know if children, they don’t sing I wanna know if birds should lose their wings I wanna know if we'd do anything I wanna know how we could makes ends meet I wanna know when I should stomp my feet I wanna know why history repeats I wanna know how you turned out so sweet I wonder why we think we’re doing so well I wonder what day we'll be able to tell We’re waiting for someone to turn on the light So we won’t be wrong about everything right Na na, na na yeah 10x I love this song! It has everything a great cheesy song should have -- a catchy beat, memorable chorus, silly lyrics and a whole load of Yeah-Yeahs and Na-Nas thrown in for good measure. I’ve been listening to it over and over again in an attempt to cheer myself up or keep myself going or something like that. Once again I am in a bad way mentally. I’ve spent a large part of the day trying to contact the Community Psychiatric Nurse who carried out my assessment a million years ago. I don’t know whether I was going to ask him for help or just ask why my referral is taking so long to go through. Probably the latter as I’m a real coward when it comes to asking for help... when I really need it. Anyway, I couldn’t get through to anyone which is pretty bad for a mental health service... and pretty bad for me... I am not looking forward to tonight. |
| I had a very inspiring start to my day today! I walked Jade somewhere I haven’t been for ages. I think the last time I was there was early Spring when everywhere was still recovering from Winter. Well now it is breathtakingly beautiful! I’ve seen it a hundred times before in all seasons but today for some reason, it all felt new and I felt wonderful. I kept saying ‘Wow, isn’t it gorgeous’ to the dog but she just gave me funny looks. Anyway, when I got home I started reading “Sweet Thursday” by John Steinbeck which is kind of a sequel to “Cannery Row”, a book I adore. I am loving it so far! There is a passage in it about feeling discontent and I could totally relate to it. However, and surprisingly, it didn’t depress me. Instead it left me feeling kind of fired up, like I’m ready to make a positive change in my life... and so I have made the first step. I emailed the Parks Trust earlier about doing some volunteer work and I am actually feeling very excited about it. I can’t wait to hear from them! I think another reason I have finally done something proactive is because I have gotten back in touch with one person from my schooldays and two from University over the last few days and was feeling kind of depressed that everyone seems further on in life than me. It has kind of spurred me on and I’m hoping I can keep up this energy and shred of hope and actually DO something! But everything has gone downhill since then. My sister has broken up with her boyfriend and they are both devastated. It is breaking me into little pieces to see my sister so hurt and upset. I can’t stand it. It is very hard to keep a positive attitude when your sister is sobbing her heart out. |
| I have been on a massive nostalgia trip this week as my Mum has been sorting stuff out and found loads of old pictures, school work and school reports etc from my childhood. It has been nice looking through it all and today I think I may have found my very first poem. I was probably about seven years old when I wrote it. Here it is, complete with spelling and grammatical errors: Jam is yummy to have in your tummy Its better and wetter than ham Its lumpy and bumby and sweet It looks bright it is light And shiney and slimey and I’ll tell you more About the jam Its better to eat than Any other sweet when its Been bubbling in the pan I don’t think that’s bad for a seven year old. Then again, what do I know? !  Mark has just visited for a week and went home today so I’m kind of sad. I already miss him but I’ll be going to his just next week as our two year anniversary is coming up. |
| I passed my driving theory test today. I'm so happy! |
| I’m very, very tired, like always. I don’t think I’m fully recovered from everything I did yesterday, which was a very busy day, as was Saturday, actually. I can't wait to kick the arse of this ridiculous vitamin B12 deficiency that has left me feeling totally wiped out. At least I assume that’s mostly what is making me so exhausted. Of course the severe depression is probably a factor too. I had a blood test on Thursday to see if my first lot of injections have raised the levels of B12 at all. If they have worked then the doctor will want to do some more investigating to discover just why I’m constantly tired! I think it’s because of the antidepressants I’m taking but he doesn’t seem to think so. Anyway, that’s enough of that. I watched Britain’s Got Talent tonight and thoroughly enjoyed it. My favourite act was the gymnastics group, Spelbound who were just incredible (even though they can’t spell, apparently). I also loved Stevie Starr though I have no idea why—he totally grosses me out! His act is to swallow stuff and then regurgitate it. It looks convincing... well mostly. I know he does some of it through sleight of hand as he kind of botched the last trick and I saw how he did it. But some of the other stuff?! I just can’t figure it out! I really wish he’d gotten through to the final. I do love Britain’s Got Talent. It’s so much fun and pure escapism. I’m trying to stay positive tonight but I have a long day tomorrow and I’m pretty nervous about it. I’m only going to view a flat but I know it’s going to be stressful and I’ll have a very tough decision to make. I’m feeling pretty rough at the moment. My teeth are hurting (well I guess it’s my gums, technically). I get this from time to time and I have no idea what causes it. I’m trying not to panic about it! I have a mouth ulcer just under my top lip which is bugging the hell out of me. It also hurts a lot. Grrrrr.I’m kind of bored but can’t seem to settle to anything. I have played on Sims 3 a lot today, on and off. I might try and do some reading soon and see if I can focus on that. I’m reading Super-Cannes by J.G. Ballard at the moment. It’s a pretty intriguing book and I’m looking forward to seeing how it ends up. I'm really sleepy so sorry if there are any ridiculous errors in this entry! I've already corrected two I spotted but there are probably more lurking... |
 An impromptu visit to IKEA, walking the dog afterwards, then helping to build a bookcase is not the best idea in the world when you have a serious lack of energy. I’m not very handy with a hammer. My mum is freakishly strong.Today has been quite fun though extremely tiring. My Mum and I decided to go to IKEA as we both wanted bookcases. The store is HUGE though somehow very claustrophobic at the same time. I think that’s because there are no windows. We had a good time looking around and both found bookcases. When we got home I walked the dog and after that we built my bookcase. That was hard work and I was a bit rubbish at it, so I let my Mum do most of the work! It looks really good and I’m trying to muster up some energy so I can put my books in their new home later tonight. It will be nice not having them piled up on the chest of drawers and the floor anymore. We tried squeezing the bookcase in between the chest of drawers and wardrobe but there wasn’t quite enough room. My Mum noticed that the wardrobe could be moved up a little more and then proceeded to move it on her own. I was very impressed! And that has been my day so far. I’m looking forward to watching Britain’s Got Talent tonight and then I’m going to tackle sorting my room out. If my energy levels are still low I’ll just do the minimum, like clearing the mess from the doorway and getting the television off my bed! But right now I’m just going to chill out for a bit as I’m totally exhausted. |
| I haven’t blogged in a while as I haven’t really had much to blog about beyond how depressed I feel. The truth is I’m more depressed than ever and it seems to be my whole life at the moment. My doctor has been great and I have been referred to a mental health service. My assessment is on the 11th of June and I kind of wish it was sooner so I could just get it over and done with. I have had several assessments in the past so know how gruelling they can be and I’m really not looking forward to it. I don’t know if these people can help me but I kind of feel like this is my last chance now. I am running out of options! Today has been awful. I didn’t think it was possible to feel more exhausted than I already did, but it reached a whole new level today. I was walking the dog and suddenly just couldn’t go on any further. I had to just sit on a wall while poor Jadey looked concerned and was probably wondering why we weren’t getting on with the walk. I had so little energy, even breathing felt like a tremendous effort. It was scary and not an experience I’d like to go through again. I’m going to view a flat in Stoke next week. The whole time I have been back home I have longed to get back to Stoke, but every time something hopeful comes up I get plagued with doubt. I really, truly don’t know what I want anymore. I want to stay here with my family and Jade, I want to be in Cardiff near Mark and I want to be in Stoke so I can see my friends and go to karate. I wish I could just bundle everything and everyone up and put them in one place! Everything is so messed up and I just don’t know what to do. But I do know that I am so, so, so tired of it all. |
David Cameron is Prime Minister!  |
| I’ve been reading about eye colour tonight. I don’t know why, I guess I’m just bored! I really like my eyes and think they are my best feature. My left eye is blue and my right eye is three-quarters blue and one quarter brown. From my reading I learned that this is called partial heterochromia and is actually less common than full heterochromia, where both eyes are totally different colours. Weird! It is hard to describe what shade of blue my eyes are. They’re not pale but they aren’t dark either, they almost seem to be a mixture of shades and the rim of the iris is practically grey. I’ve never really paid that much attention to my eyes before! I have a poem about blue eyes. I haven’t had a lot of feedback for it recently so I’ll include it here:
It isn’t the best poem I’ve ever written but I don’t think it is horrible either. Maybe I’ll work to improve it sometime. |
| Well I didn’t say everything I wanted to say to my doctor. I wish it was possible to get appointments at night. Around this time, midnight, would be good as I usually feel lonely, distressed and desperate to talk to someone about now. Whereas in the mornings I just feel exhausted, defeated and uncommunicative. I said as much as I could and the doctor has increased my medication. He asked me to go back in a week and, if I’m no better, he’s going to refer me elsewhere. So fingers crossed the antidepressants start working because I am way too tired to try counselling again. I was going to write more in this entry but now I can’t be bothered. I am just so severely depressed right now that I can hardly be bothered to do anything. |
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