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 |  My first blog! |
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A Haunted Place  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Who Am I? Ghoulish and dark, serious and intense Okay, I may have exaggerated a little bit! I'm not that gloomy and miserable. I do know how to have fun and I love to laugh. This is my first blog and I've set it up to help motivate myself to write every day... well, almost every day... well, more often than I write now.  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I'm docked at "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond"  , a safe port for bloggers to connect. |
| I had to get up for a 7:30 doctor’s appointment this morning which I would have cancelled if I’d remembered it before last night. I’d set my alarm for 6:30 but ended up waking up at 6. The appointment was fine. We talked about increasing the dosage of my antidepressant but have agreed to leave it for the time-being. I told the doctor that my insomnia is really bad again so he’s prescribed me sleeping pills again. I love them! Though coming off them is a bitch! I tried going back to bed when I got home but didn’t sleep very well at all. So now I’m exhausted. My sister is doing better today as she text the "ex" and asked to meet up to talk. He said he was going to text her to ask the same thing, so they’re meeting up tomorrow, I think. Fingers crossed it all goes well because I can’t stand seeing my sister so depressed. She asked my Mum if she wanted to go shopping but my Mum had arranged to go out, so she asked me if I want to go. I said I’m not sure as I haven’t had a lot of sleep, at which point my Mum chimed in with ‘Aw, you can sleep later. Take your sister shopping!’ She said it in a jokey way but I couldn’t help but think GIVE ME A BREAK!!!! I’m the one who was here when it all kicked off and she was miles away. I’m the one who has stayed up really late, despite being completely exhausted to keep her company and distract her. I’m the one who’s been staying up a while even after she’s gone to bed just in case she can’t sleep. Can I not just have a break? I love my sister and am doing my best to support her but I am exhausted and close to the edge. I need some proper sleep otherwise I'm going to fall apart!  |
| I am seriously burning out. I don’t know how much more crap I can take. I’m just overwhelmed with stress and sadness and I have no idea how to deal with it all. I just want to curl up and die somewhere to be honest! I’m not sure why my heart hasn’t given up already as it’s in so much pain! Oh well. I just have to remember to breathe and take things one minute at a time if necessary. I just really, really, really hope something positive will happen for me soon as I could use a break! |
I am exhausted.  I went to bed about 1:30 but woke up at 5:30 and just couldn't get back to sleep. I had to drive my sister to the job centre at 9. While she was there I went and bought her a little pink cuddly toy thing as she's really depressed because her boyfriend broke up with her (again). It wasn't much but I think she appreciated the gesture. I really need sleep but don't want to leave her on her own when she's so down.Urgh. I hate my life. |
| So another day has slipped by where I’ve avoided emails, haven’t done any reviewing and haven’t opened the second round of my contest. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m feeling seriously unmotivated and I don’t know why. I already had to step down from helping out with the PDG auction as I just couldn’t find the energy to do the work. Hopefully I’ll be able to get back into the swing of things soon as I don’t want to take a backseat with my contest or get kicked out of the Poetic Exploration group for not doing my reviews. I love that group, by the way! I’m writing regularly. A poem a week suits me fine! Anyway, apologies if you are waiting to hear from me. It is out of character for me to be rude and not reply to emails like this but I can’t face some things at the moment. I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. |
I’m home from Mark’s now and haven’t been able to get to sleep. For some reason tonight I keep thinking about this book, “The Remains of the Day” by Kazuo Ishiguro. It is my absolute favourite book (tied in first place with “East of Eden” by John Steinbeck and “One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest” by Ken Kesey.  ) I’ve read “The Remains of the Day” many times though haven’t read it in quite a while. I suppose I’ve started thinking about it again as I recently reread another of Ishiguro’s amazing novels, “Never Let Me Go” and went to the cinema with Mark to see the film adaptation.Anyway, I’m feeling kind of emotional—partly because I’m already missing Mark and partly because I’m thinking of the book. Even just thinking of the book brings tears to my eyes. Each and every time I’ve read it, I get to a certain line which makes me burst into tears and then I’ll just sob my heart out until I reach the end. It is hard for me to find the right words to explain just why the book affects me so deeply. The line that never fails to make me cry feels like a devastating blow to the heart. In fact, after the first time I’d read the book I vowed I was never going to read it again. Although I absolutely loved it, I just felt totally crushed by the emotional impact of it and I never wanted to put myself through that again! However, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. It haunted me! It would creep up on me without warning and I started getting curious, thinking can a book really be so powerful or have I just exaggerated it in my mind? So I read it again and it had exactly the same effect on me. It always will. It is a stunning novel. I love how subtle it is. It’s totally heart-shattering but in such an unobvious, quiet way. I wish I could write like that! I think I’ll have to read it again very soon! But that’s enough of that. This is all too deep for 6am and I’m totally exhausted! I wish I could sleep. |
Look at the lovely ghost decorating my portfolio icon! Mark C ~ 9 years on WDC!  gifted me a costumicon and I just had to select the ghost. I love it!I’m going to Cardiff today to visit Mark and I can’t wait to see him. I’m really not looking forward to the train journey though.  |
| I couldn’t sleep again last night so came back downstairs. My sister came down at about 5. She was texting her boyfriend (ex-boyfriend? Sort-of-boyfriend? It’s complicated!) Over the last few days she’s told him she wants a break from the relationship. Then told him she wants to break-up properly. And then changed her mind yet again, and wanted to try to sort things out. I was going to go back to bed but then thought I should stay up in case anything happened and she needed me or anything. He texted her to say he wanted the break from the relationship to go ahead. She was upset. Then he said he wanted to be single for a while but that he still loved her and didn’t want it to be the end of them. She was devastated. I had no idea what to do but tried my best to comfort her. She went upstairs for a bit but then came back down and told me he was coming round. She told me she didn’t really want him to come around now actually, because he’d practically broken up with her and she wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to get over that. So he’s been and gone and they’re sort of back together, but still, she doesn’t know if she can forgive and forget that he’s sort of dumped her. It doesn’t matter that she’s done the exact same thing to him several times over the last few days. I really hate the way she’s been treating him, especially recently. I’m not saying he’s perfect, but from my point of view, my sister has been totally unreasonable and treated him like shit. When things have turned around and been taken from her control, she’s been shocked and upset and thinks it’s unfair. I don’t really think it’s unfair. She’s the one that has fucked everything up in my opinion. But I’m definitely not going to say that to her face. What can I do? Nothing really except be here for her, even though she is such an incredibly difficult person. She expects so much from people all the time but is never willing to give the same in return. I think she’s totally oblivious to how much we all do for her. Especially me. I’m stressed beyond belief. I have my own crap to deal with and yet I take on hers too, because I love her, and I’m a nice person (or at least try to be). And even though recently she has done a lot of things I don’t think are right, she’s my sister and I’ll support her no matter what. I’m just wondering though, when is she going to grow up and realise that relationships (and not just romantic ones) are about give and take, not take, take, take. I don’t think she’s ever going to learn this. I don’t know why I’m rambling on and on like this. Just trying to get some thoughts out of my head so I can have some peace and quiet, I think. I’ve had a little bit of sleep but need more. I wish it were possible to take a break from life. I definitely need one. To top everything off, the interviews for one of the jobs I applied for are being held this week. I haven’t been invited to an interview and I don’t understand why. I really, really don’t. I thought maybe it was to do with lack of experience, but then I applied for a trainee job, so I didn’t think that would matter. It has been a real blow to my confidence. I am in PAIN!!!!!!!! Please someone tell me how to make it STOP!!!!!! |
| I feel like my heart has been ripped out and fed to a shark... or something like that. I can’t write why I feel like this. I can’t even bear to form the thoughts in my head. The feeling is painful enough and I fear that voicing it, even to myself, will completely break me. I am the master at blocking out painful things and I'm now working on pushing this "thing" into a box, which I will then lock and store in the basement of my mind, back where it was before. But it's hard. |
| I love my sister but most of the time she is hard work. I know I can be a pretty irritable person but she takes it to a whole new level and I’m getting sick of me and everyone else having to tiptoe around her all the time for fear of putting her in a bad mood. Today she is annoyed with her boyfriend because he kept pulling the bedcover off her last night. In his sleep mind you. But even things done unconsciously are grounds for a major mood swing in my sister’s world. She does my head in! She can be so unreasonable. I can’t wait until I get a job, or she gets one as I’m a bit tired of her almost constant company now. We need a break from each other! Anyway, that’s enough of that. To cheer myself up I’ll blog about some good things which have been happening on WDC. Firstly, Mark gave me a merit badge and an awardicon for my birthday. Look! ![Merit Badge in Portfolio
[Click For More Info]
You have so many awesome treasures tucked away in your port just as you have treasures in your heart, mind and soul. I always love discovering them. In turn, you are very treasured by me *^*Bigsmile*^* Happy 24th Birthday! *^*Kiss*^* ~*^*Heart*^*~ *^*Kiss*^*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/badges/general-Portfolio.gif)
I got some nice messages and a cNote and a signature gift certificate too. Also, I was one of the Poets of the Month for the Poetic Exploration group and got a merit badge for that too: ![Merit Badge in Poetry
[Click For More Info]
Poets of the Month
Your poetry is awe inspiring! Having you in this group is a wonderful treat. Please continue to submit tasty treats, and this will be yours every month. =)
Have a great day!
Roxiie Navia Slequer](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/badges/type-Poetry-2180.gif) So yay!  |
I’ve had a good birthday. I went out for a meal with Mark, my parents, my sister and her boyfriend, which was nice. I’ve also been given loads of presents so I’m feeling very spoiled! I got a birthday cake too. It has been a quiet day, but I’ve enjoyed it.  |
I haven't blogged in 11 days apparently! I've been horribly depressed though have felt a little better over the last few days. I have a lot to blog about but now isn't the time to do it. Instead I'm going to plug my newest poems. Both were written for the Poetic Exploration group.
I don't like either of them but I don't hate them either! My birthday is on Sunday, so I'm looking forward to that. (Though I'm going to be 24!  )And that's all I want to say right now! |
| Wow I’ve had such a busy and productive day! And on very little sleep. I just couldn’t get to sleep last night so got up and stayed up until 9am. Then I only got a couple of hours before a phone call woke me up. I couldn’t get back to sleep after that so decided to get up and do stuff. I ended up going back to the Shaw Trust as the employment advisor I saw on Friday said I could drop in if I had any difficulties with my job applications. I walked there and back. He was very nice and helpful. When I got home I finished off my applications, and then drove my sister’s boyfriend home. I drove really well, so I’m pleased! After that I posted my applications and then walked the dog. Now I am completely exhausted. But I’m pleased that I got so much done.  |
| I’ve had hardly any sleep. My dog woke me up at about 5:15am and I wasn’t able to get back to sleep. I had to drive my sister to pick up her boyfriend and then drive them both to my sister’s interview and the journey was completely horrible. I stalled at a roundabout and after that I was just a nervous wreck and continued making stupid mistakes. It didn’t help that some idiot thought it would be okay to tailgate me for ages. I can’t stand drivers who think it’s okay to intimidate others on the road. Now I feel totally shaken up and feel unable to face the rest of the day. It’s too late to cancel my appointment but I really don’t want to go and feel way too exhausted to walk to it. No way am I getting back in the car though! I so desperately want to go back to bed. I’m so upset. I badly need a hug! |
| I have a busy day tomorrow. I have to drive my sister to a job interview at 10am, then I have my employment appointment at 11:30am and then I’m getting my hair cut at 1.45pm. I’m not driving to the employment thing. I drove there today at the time of my appointment to see what parking was like and it was really busy. I have absolutely no confidence when it comes to parking so I’d rather just walk than get all stressed out trying to park without hitting another car! Anyway, I still have plenty of time to do everything, even though I am going to walk, but I’m still feeling nervous about it all. I just wish it was all out the way already. I am totally burned out when it comes to reviewing. I’ve gone two days without doing any now. I just hope I can get back to it tomorrow as I want to at least do the fifty minimum and more if I can. I finished my last assignment for the Spreadsheets module on my IT course tonight and got 100%. I just have to do the exam now and then I’m onto my last module. I can’t wait to finish it though I think I’ll miss my tutors when I’m done. They’re both so nice! I’m very, very tired right now even though I took several naps today. I know I shouldn’t sleep during the day but sometimes I just can’t help it. Hopefully my nerves about tomorrow won't stop me from sleeping. |
| I am completely exhausted. My sleep pattern is so messed up. The review challenge is going well and so far I’ve managed to meet my target of ten reviews a day, meaning I’ve done thirty reviews in three days. That is a lot for me! But something tells me I’m not going to be successful today. Unless I get some energy from somewhere I’m not going to do any reviewing today. I can barely keep my eyes open! I am very, very tempted to just go back to bed. In fact, I think I might! I'm too tired to write anymore so instead I'll just plug my latest poems:
And
Not my best work, but not my worst either! |
| I just took a fun test to find out how musical I am. These were my results: Enthusiasm for music = 57% (Medium) Your ‘Enthusiasm for Music’ score shows how important music is to you in your daily life. It also indicates how much time and money you devote to music. You scored medium for enthusiasm, which suggests that while you enjoy music it isn’t a huge part of your daily life. You spend about the same amount of time as most people just listening to music or having music on in the background while you do other things. There may also be some aspects of music that you like talking about, but you are unlikely to spend more than the average amount of your free-time and money on music-related activities. Music is important to you, but not as important a focus as it is for some. I think that sounds about right. I love music but it isn’t my life! Musical Perception = 99% (High) This is perhaps the most traditional measure of musical skill and indicates how well you understand the qualities of music, such as rhythm, pitch, tuning and genre. You scored high for perception, which suggests that you have a good ear for music. You can probably sing in tune and are better than average at keeping a beat. You can also tell the difference between types of instruments and musical genres. People with high ability are often able to create music on their own or with others. You are likely to have performed well in the other musical tests. I thought this would be high as I was very musical as a child but I’m surprised at just how high it is. Emotional Connection 82% (High) This looks at how music affects your moods and feelings. You scored high for emotional connection, which indicates that music can strongly influence your feelings and that you may even use it to manage your mood. It’s likely that you also find music a powerful tool for reconnecting with past events and memories. Your results suggest you connect more deeply with music than most people, with some songs having the power to completely change your emotional state. This is definitely right. Some songs can deeply affect me and I connect certain songs with certain people or events from my past. Social Creativity 44% (Medium) This looks at creating music and sharing in group activities where music is involved. You scored medium for Social creativity, which suggests that you have a fairly good memory for melodies and are able to recall many of the new songs or musical phrases you hear. If you feel confident enough, you can probably contribute to group activities where music is involved, and are able to join in, singing or clapping along with others. You may not find it as easy as some people to imagine new melodies in your head. I think this is pretty accurate. Musical Curiosity 49% (Medium) This assesses how open you are to new musical genres and experiences. You scored medium for music curiosity, which suggests that you are open to exploring some new music, but may prefer to listen to the genres and artists you are already familiar with. As a result, you are likely to be exposed to a reasonably limited range of musical styles and have a similar breadth of musical taste to the average person. You probably rarely, if ever, attend events just to experience live music, but may enjoy going to see familiar artists perform. Again, I think this is accurate. The breakdown of my results show that I was good at tapping along to a beat and perceiving subtle differences between musical phrases. And I was pretty good at being able to tell whether something was on the beat or off the beat and was also okay at grouping music of similar styles together. Interesting! It’s a fun test so here’s the link if anyone wants to try to out: https://www.bbc.co.uk/labuk/experiments/musicality/ |
| Oh my god! I’ve just seen an advert for a fantastic job. The position is Trainee Ecologist and I want it. Badly. It sounds amazing. It sounds perfect. And I may not even have to move away from home as they have vacancies in a town very close to mine. I am excited about this. I’m going to take the details with me to my employment appointment on Friday and ask for help applying for it. I’m guessing my application for the monkey sanctuary position wasn’t successful as I still haven’t heard anything about it, so I’m going to make sure I give myself the best chance this time and get advice from someone who knows what they are talking about. I want this job even more than the monkey sanctuary one. Environmental jobs are soooooo hard to get in to but this is how you get your foot in the door! Now I can’t wait until Friday! I’ve got off to a good start with the review challenge. I’ve set myself the target of doing ten reviews a day, which means I’ll have to push myself, but I know it’s doable. I managed it today, so I’m pleased. I reviewed a range of stuff too—not just poetry. I should force myself to review outside of my comfort zone more often. Today has been rather boring and I feel stressed and depressed tonight. I also feel like I’ve forgotten to do something important. I hate that feeling. |
| Here I am, eating pizza and blogging at nearly 6am, wondering just how and when my life got turned back to front. Day has become night and night has become day and I have absolutely no idea how to put it right. I’ve had times like this before which I solved by forcing myself to get up relatively early and stay up, so I could then get an early night. But I can’t do that at the moment as I literally can’t get up. My alarm goes off and I just repeatedly hit the snooze button or even turn it off in my sleep. I don’t really know what to do! I suppose it doesn’t help that I don’t really have anything to get up for. I have been so lonely tonight. My Mum is at her partner’s place and my sister went out. So it has just been the dog and me, and as much as I love Jade, and as smart as she is, you can’t really have a decent conversation with her! I spoke to Mark on the phone a couple of times, which was lovely, but I miss him so much and wish he was here, so that just adds to my loneliness. I wish I could sleep. I’ve already tried but my mind just won’t switch off. I wish for once I could just get some peace and quiet from the chaos in my head. The chaos doesn’t even go away when I actually can sleep at the moment as I keep having really disturbing dreams. That hasn’t been a lot of fun! I really like this time of the morning. I just wish I was seeing it after a proper, decent night’s rest... |
| I never fail to be shocked by rudeness but I have no idea why as it’s everywhere. You’d think I’d be used to it by now! I just don’t understand it. Manners come naturally and automatically to me. It is unthinkable that I wouldn’t thank someone for giving something to me or for taking the time to do something for me. Manners were instilled in me at a young age and I am grateful to my parents for teaching me the value of showing respect, consideration and politeness to everyone. I will do exactly the same when I’m a parent and I can’t understand why some people don’t. I’m horrified by the behaviour of a lot of children I see around today. Why do their parents let them be like that? Is it any wonder they grow up into discourteous, disrespectful adults? Rudeness depresses me. Today hasn’t been the best day. I slept through most of it as I couldn’t sleep last night. I was going to call the local Parks Trust to find out about volunteer opportunities but I didn’t get around to it. I was also going to call the counselling service to find out what is going on with my referral but I didn’t get around to that either. I hate unproductive days like this. Yesterday was better though as I called an employment service that help people with disabilities get back into work. I have an appointment for next week. They didn’t help me before when I went but I think that was to do with my attitude and unwillingness to take a positive step to change my life. Now I’m desperate to get a job, to get some normality back and to basically just get a life. I have also been referred to another employment service (which has a long waiting list) and should be hearing from them pretty soon, I think. I hope so anyway, as they specifically deal with people with mental illnesses. I think I’m going to have to stop taking my medication again. I think the antihistamines I’m taking because I’m allergic to the antidepressants are making my gums sore. That’s listed as one of the side effects. So I want to stop taking them, and if I do, I’ll have to stop taking the antidepressants otherwise the horrible allergic reaction will come back. I just can’t win! I don’t think my doctor will be too happy but he can’t expect me to keep taking something which puts me at risk of gum infections and gum disease. I think I’ll try to get an appointment for Monday though to talk it through with him. I’m still over the moon that we’ve finally judged and awarded the poetry contest. That was a big thing which took up a lot of time and effort. I don’t need to worry that my life will feel emptier now though as I’m taking part in the "Poetic Exploration" group and I’ve also signed up for the "Invalid Item" . What am I putting myself through! I have to do 50 reviews in a week! I’m sure I can do it though. And it might even be fun... |
We've finally finished judging
I'm feeling kind of emotional about it! That was hard, HARD work. But it was fun too. The winning poems are all incredible and can be found in the forum so please go and read them. I can't believe it's over! I really feel like I've achieved something with this contest. |
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