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 |  My first blog! |
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A Haunted Place  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Who Am I? Ghoulish and dark, serious and intense Okay, I may have exaggerated a little bit! I'm not that gloomy and miserable. I do know how to have fun and I love to laugh. This is my first blog and I've set it up to help motivate myself to write every day... well, almost every day... well, more often than I write now.  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I'm docked at "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond"  , a safe port for bloggers to connect. |
| I’m sorry if I caused anyone any worry earlier. I am doing much better this evening, though still feel completely exhausted. I am feeling calmer and more rational so hopefully that will last for a while yet! I just want to say thanks to my wonderful WDC friends.  |
I went to see my doctor this morning and pretty much had a meltdown in his office.  I don’t know why I went really. I just want someone to help me. He seemed at a bit of a loss, to be honest, which just confirms what I already knew deep down: nobody has a clue what they are doing when it comes to treating mental health problems.He was pretty worried about me and asked me questions about whether I have thoughts of harming myself and if I know how I’d do it. I told him I do often get suicidal thoughts but said I don’t know how I’d kill myself if I was really going to do it. That isn’t entirely true, though, and he could obviously tell as he almost referred me to A & E! He actually picked up the phone and I thought he was going to do it! He also mentioned the dreaded word ‘Section’ to me and I could see he was tempted as he was concerned about my safety and I didn’t help matters by not being able to talk coherently about anything. I definitely seemed like a crazy woman! The thing is though, and I said this to the doctor, I might think about killing myself a lot and sometimes really want to do it, but I actually don’t have the energy to put any plan into action at the moment. Anyway, I didn’t get referred to A & E or sectioned and I don’t know if that is a good or a bad thing. Part of me wants it because I’m desperate and exhausted and need help. But it is such a scary step to take and I don’t know what would happen or how I’d keep it from my family and I definitely need to keep it from them. My doctor said if I went to casualty I’d be able to speak to a psychiatrist or psychologist and they’d be able to explore further options with me. But really, what can anyone do? Treatment for depression is centred on talk, talk, talk, and I just don’t want to talk. I think I’m a lost cause! So the plan for now? My medication has been changed as the citalopram didn’t work, and I’ve stopped taking it anyway. However, I’ve just realised I can’t take the new medication I’ve been prescribed as it contains gelatine, which isn’t suitable for vegetarians. I’m going back to see the doctor tomorrow so he can check I’m still alive. I felt kind of stupid for going really when I realised there isn’t much he can do. He asked if I can call the CBT people and I said I don’t know. I do know though! My therapist has told me I can call for a chat anytime but I don’t want to. I don’t know her that well yet, don’t really like her much so far, and don’t feel comfortable talking to her at all. I asked if I’d done the right thing and then started crying ( ) and said I never know what to do when I feel this low and feel like I’m just wasting his time. He was very sweet and reassuring and joked that he doesn’t usually get cross but will if I keep thinking like that!So, today has already been very eventful! I’ve contemplated suicide, had a breakdown, made a fool of myself and almost gotten myself sectioned, all before lunchtime! I hope the rest of my day is a little less intense. I do feel a bit calmer now but I don’t know how long that will last. I really want to go back to bed but am feeling too wound up at the moment. Hopefully blogging about everything that has happened will help me get some distance from it so I’ll be able to switch off from it soon. Hopefully after a good rest I will feel a little more stable! I just need to keep going and take things minute by minute if necessary. I’m a fighter and a survivor. I can do this! Whoa, I’ve written an essay! |
These last few days have been absolute hell. My depression has been the worst it has been in a long, if not the worst it has ever been. I have been struggling badly. My sleep pattern is totally messed up – I’m awake all night and sleeping through the day. It takes so much energy just to get out of bed. I had two days where I literally couldn’t get up for hours.  Even simple things like showering, getting dressed, eating etc have become near impossible and it takes me hours to build up the motivation to get things like that done.Today has been marginally better. I got up in time to see daylight and I have got a lot done on WDC. But I am still feeling so ridiculously down and am rapidly losing hope that I am ever going to beat this. I have fought it for so long now and I’m exhausted. I have never felt such exhaustion in my life. |
| I sent off my first job application in a long time yesterday and had a response today. They basically said they’ll be reviewing all the applications and then contacting people about interviews. I have got my fingers crossed! I was also told there have been a huge number of applicants but I was expecting that. The job is an amazing opportunity. I’ve done my best to make myself stand out and to really highlight my skills in my cover letter and CV. All I can do now is wait. And hope. I went out in my car again tonight with my Mum and it was pretty good. We went to a car park so I could practise pulling away. I am getting much better at it but still find it so weird compared to the car I learned to drive in. I felt much more confident and think I might be brave and drive by myself tomorrow. I’m getting more of a feel for the car and feel quite relaxed when on the long, straight roads. I’m still a bit nervous at roundabouts but didn’t stall at any tonight thankfully. I hate going around corners in this car though. But I’m still adapting to it and I’m already doing much better. I have to remember I’ve only driven it three times! There have been more fireworks tonight so of course my poor Jadey has been scared again. I feel so, so sorry for her and wish there was something I could do to comfort her. There aren’t any at the moment so thankfully she isn’t terrified, but she seems really sad and is just curled up at the bottom of the stairs. Hopefully this will be the last night of fireworks for now but then we have the New Year ones to get through. I was thinking of trying to get some more contest reviews done tonight but I’m feeling very tired and am not sure if I can concentrate. If I don’t do any tonight then I must get back to it tomorrow. |
| Yay! I got my car today. It looks great! I wish I could say it had been a good day but I have felt pretty strained for most of it. I took the car out briefly with my Dad and had a hard time getting used to it as it is so different to the car I learned to drive in. I did okay but felt pretty shaken when we got back for some reason. I was brave and made myself go out in it again with my Mum this evening. I drove for longer and on the main roads too. I was very tense and nervous but started to get a little more confidence. However, when we got back I had so much trouble getting the car onto the driveway. It was embarrassing! I’m used to being able to do manoeuvres just using the clutch but with this car you have to use the accelerator too otherwise it just stalls. It feels so weird to me. I know I’ll get used to it and all I need is practise, practise, practise but I’m so stressed and getting so OCDish about the whole thing that I just want to quit and send the car back! I won’t though. I know I can do this. Tonight has been pretty stressful too. Although it was Bonfire Night last night people have been celebrating with fireworks pretty much all week around here, including tonight, and poor Jade is absolutely terrified of them. She sat trembling in my arms for ages earlier and then went to hide under the stairs, behind the computer desk. It’s so heartbreaking as there is absolutely nothing anyone can do to comfort and reassure her. She’s still pretty upset now even though everything has been quiet for a while but she’s not shaking or hiding anymore. Hopefully she’ll cheer up soon. I hate seeing her so scared.  |
| I want to quit CBT after only three sessions. I’m not usually a quitter but I am just finding it absolutely excruciating and I don’t want to do it anymore. I am really, really useless at it. I can’t do it. I can’t even answer simple questions. It’s shit and I give up. |
| Not long now until I get my first ever car. I am so ridiculously excited! Unfortunately the car is in Weston, where my Dad lives (as he found it for me), so I think my Mum and I are going to travel there by train and then my Mum will drive it back, with me possibly driving for part of the journey. I don’t feel confident enough to do the whole journey yet! It will be ready on Saturday so I don’t have long to wait until I get to see it. I’ve seen a picture of it, and it looks good. I can’t wait to try it out but I’m so, so scared too! It will be so weird driving without my instructor in the car...  I have been feeling confident as I did so well in my test, but that confidence is getting lower and lower now as it gets closer to getting the car! I’m sure I’ll be fine though.I still can’t believe I’m a qualified driver now!  |
| I feel so rubbish today. I feel tired, lonely, unmotivated. It is 4:05pm here and I haven’t showered, eaten or even changed out of my pyjamas. What’s the point, really? When you don’t have a life or anything to do, why not just laze around? I wish I’d just stayed in bed actually. I’m spending most of my time in bed, so why not just make that all of my time? That’s enough moaning. My contest judging is going well. I’ve almost reviewed forty entries so I’m getting there with it. I’ve completed three reviews today and hope to do some more later on. I’m enjoying it but finding it tough. I get frustrated when I come across entries that have clearly been submitted by someone who hasn’t read the rules. I always read the rules of a contest at least twice so I just can’t understand why other people wouldn’t do this! I always struggle with reviewing so I knew that running a contest of this size was going to be a big challenge for me. I don’t really consider just reading the entries as an option. I want to send everyone a review even if I do find it difficult. It will feel like more of achievement if I manage that, and I’m sure I will. I’m determined! Okay, so I suppose I’m going to put my plan of spending life in bed on hold until I have finished judging my contest... |
I didn’t end up blogging again as Thursday was pure hell and I just didn’t feel like writing about it then. I had my second CBT session and it was just awful. It was so tough and I could barely answer any of the therapist’s questions. I just kept saying ‘I don’t know’ over and over again. I’m really useless at it and don’t know if I can face going back. The therapist is nice but there are a few things I find a little off-putting about her. Firstly, she has dirty finger nails. Ew!  Also, she sits way too close to me and she talks too loudly. I don’t like that. It makes me feel uncomfortable.One good thing about Thursday though is that I finished the last assignment for the Microsoft Word module on my IT course. I completed several mock exams and passed them all. Now I just have to get the real exam out the way next week! I want to thank everyone who acknowledged my three year anniversary. I really appreciate it. I updated my "Invalid Item" yesterday and am planning on adding more to it today in between reviewing the entries to my contest. I am over a quarter of the way there with my reviews! |
Yay! I have been a member of WDC for 3 years now. How awesome is that?! It is the longest I’ve stuck around on an online community and I plan to stay here for many more years! This site is my second home—my second life!  I’ll probably blog more about that later—at a more civilised hour. It is almost 6am here in the UK and I haven’t been to sleep yet.  I’ve tried but a poem I have planned to work on for ages decided that I wouldn’t be able to get any sleep until I had completely rewritten it. I don’t know why a poem that hasn’t even been touched for over two years decided that tonight was the night to finally get its makeover, but there you go. Creativity and productivity don’t exactly work to normal human schedules!I still don’t think the poem is perfect but it is miles better than it was before and I’m happy with it. Here’s the new version:
I was afraid of this poem when I first put it in my port as it is pretty controversial. I was afraid of how people would react to it. I set it to private for a while but then I thought why should I? I felt ashamed of myself for hiding it away and for worrying about how people would take it. I express my beliefs in this poem. I’m proud of those beliefs. I’m never going to shy away from standing up for what I believe in ever again. |
I am 1 entry away from reaching my goal of 100 entries in my contest! ARGH!!! Still 2 days before I close it though so I'm sure I'll get it.  How exciting! I can't believe how successful it has been. Yay!
Edit: Yay! I now have 101 entries! |
| I’m getting a cold so I’m feeling rather sorry for myself. I am absolutely exhausted as well. I had to get up early (well, early for me) to go to the dentist. I had bad toothache last night so really wanted to get it checked out. Anyway, it was a waste of time. The dentist told me my teeth are great and said she was surprised I’m getting pain. She did an x-ray just to double check but that didn’t show any problems either. So it’s a mystery! That’s the first time I’ve ever had a dental x-ray. I was so scared! I’m glad there is nothing wrong with my teeth as I take really good care of them and have never had a cavity before. I would have been devastated if it was that! But it’s annoying too that they couldn’t find the cause of my pain. My Dad has paid in the money he promised me to help get a car so it shouldn’t be too long now before I’m zooming about in my very own set of wheels! I can’t wait. Having my own car is going to change my life. I won’t have to rely on others to get me about anymore. I am so excited! Nervous as well though as I’ve only ever driven my instructor’s car. I’m planning on going to bed soon even though it’s only around 10pm. I don’t think I can stay awake for much longer. I was hoping to get some more "Invalid Item" reviews done but I think I’ve only done one today. Oh well! I only have 74 to go... (Where’s the “blind panic” emoticon!) Really, it’s fine. I’m enjoying judging it and I know I can review all the entries. It might just take a little while though... |
| My sister, her boyfriend and I ordered pizza tonight. I was pretty hungry when it arrived so imagine my disappointment when I opened the box to find my lovely vegetable pizza covered in slimy looking black rings and huge yellowish chunks. I’d forgotten to say no olives or pineapple. I was able to pick them off but the olives looked so gross my appetite was kind of ruined. I should have been brave and just tried it. I actually like pineapple; I just can’t imagine that it would taste good on a pizza. As for olives, well, I’ve only tried them once and I can still remember the experience. I was at a formal dinner, celebrating having finished a week-long karate course. The food was served and the vegetarian option was placed in front of me. I can’t actually remember what the dish was but there were the olives, all green and slimy, with their weird holes and strange texture. I didn’t actually know what they were but my friend next to me informed me they were olives and then went on to tell me they’re “Devil’s food”. I thought I’d be brave and try one but I regretted that decision as soon as I put it in my mouth. Yep. It was definitely devil’s food! I’m really not very adventurous when it comes to food at all. I’ve been a vegetarian for about sixteen years but have never really bothered to explore vegetarian recipes. I just eat the same old stuff. I recently got a couple of vegetarian cook books though. Now I just need to pluck up the courage to try out the recipes! To be honest, I find eating quite stressful and if it wasn’t necessary, I probably wouldn’t do it. My eating habits are so rubbish at the moment. Mostly I have one main meal a day and snack when I get so hungry I can’t put off eating anymore. Sometimes I don’t even have a proper meal. This is something I’m hoping to address in CBT but I feel anxious about that because I like the weight I am at the moment and really don’t want to put any on. But even if I don’t increase the amount of food I’m eating I would like to increase the nutritional value in my diet and also vary it a bit. I’m getting so bored with just eating the same things every day. The pizza leftovers are in the fridge. Perhaps when I next get hungry I’ll taste it with the olives and pineapple still on it. Who knows? Maybe my taste buds have grown up a bit! |
There are a few awesome items around at the moment that I would like to plug in my blog. Firstly is this beautiful poem by the lovely Mark C ~ 9 years on WDC!  . It’s about me! Someone wrote a poem about me!
I am so overwhelmed by this! Then there is this great forum created by Brooklyn  to raise awareness about a very important issue.
Next is this auction which is raising GPs for the Paper Doll Gang and some other great groups. There are some fantastic packages available:
And let’s not forget the Paper Doll Gang’s new gifting station which is just awesome! If you know someone who deserves something special then visit us here:
And lastly, my contest is still open until the 28th of this month.
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| Today is my dog Jade's birthday! She is ten years old. I can't believe we've had her for so long! We got her when she was just five weeks old, which is far too young for a puppy to leave its mother, but we really didn't have much of a choice. The owner told us the mother had attacked some of the puppies so she wanted to get the others away from her as quickly as possible. Whether that's true or she just got sick of all the noise and mess from a big litter of puppies, I don't know. But, whatever the truth, we got our Jadey when she was just a tiny little thing and she has been an important member of our family ever since. She was so tough at first, defending herself against jealous "attacks" from our other dog, Sophie. Sophie would knock her over and Jade would roll her eyes and growl as some kind of defense! They soon got used to each other though and became best friends. Sophie would lick Jade's ears which was kind of cute in a disgusting way! They enjoyed their walks together and playing games etc. Jade has been absolutely spoiled rotten since Sophie's death. ( ) She's barely ever left alone, she's allowed to sleep in my room if she wants and I constantly buy her toys that I know she'll be able to destroy in minutes! I love her far too much!I think she has had a great birthday. She got a squeaky pink ball which I gift wrapped for her. She enjoyed unwrapping it and then tearing the ball to pieces! She also got some doggy treats and has had one of them already. She got two walks, went to see my brother and his girlfriend and also got to come to the pet shop with my mum and me when we chose her present. Now she is absolutely tired out! |
| I saw a job today. It isn’t something I’ve seriously considered doing before, the money is shit and it’s in Cornwall. But... I think if I went for it, I could get it. Also, opportunities like this are very, very rare. I have until November the 10th to get some confidence to just go for it. I would be stupid not to go for it. But I don’t know if I’m ready. I am in a lot of pain at the moment. I have a new compulsion which is causing it and also driving me crazy. I can’t stop rubbing my tongue against the back of my teeth and biting it. My doctor has given me some mouthwash to help with the pain but it doesn’t do anything. So my tongue is sore. And, because my tongue is sore, I’m holding my mouth tense and that has given me a headache. Now my teeth are hurting too. I can’t stand it. Mark has gone home and I miss him. I feel like crap. I’ve had my CBT assessment but we don’t get started until two weeks time and I’m not seeing my doctor for three weeks. So I feel very, very alone. |
| My CBT referral has finally come through and I have an assessment tomorrow. I am very, very nervous. I have had plenty of assessments before so I know what to expect but this kind of feels like it’s my last chance. I don’t think there are any other options available if this doesn’t work. I’ve also got my IT thing tomorrow so I’m going to be abandoning Mark quite a lot. He probably won’t mind too much though as I think I’m being a complete nightmare at the moment! I’ve nearly finished my first module on the course which is good. I’m looking forward to starting the spreadsheets module which will hopefully exercise my mind a bit more. I’m so down and stressed but am clinging onto the positives. I can still hardly believe I passed my driving test and I can’t help smiling every time I think about it! I should also be getting my own car soon and I am so ridiculously excited about it. I think I’m actually going to miss my driving lessons though! Although I hated them at first I did start to sort of enjoy them and at least I was getting out of the house regularly. Oh well! I’d rather have my license. I can’t wait until it arrives in the post! |
| I am still absolutely buzzing! Yesterday was one of the best days of my life—right up there with my graduation day. I still can’t believe I passed my driving test first time! I’d had such a bad lesson on Wednesday and my confidence got shattered but thanks to Mark C ~ 9 years on WDC! I was able to pick myself back up and just go for it! I couldn’t have done it without his support and encouragement. From the moment I got in the car I was just awesome. I really was! I had an hour before the test to go through the different manoeuvres and I did every single one perfectly. Before going into the test centre my instructor said ‘I’m not just saying this but this is the best I’ve ever seen you drive’. That gave me such a boost! Once I got inside I was absolutely terrified and it seemed to take ages for the examiner to come out. He was pretty unfriendly but I didn’t let that faze me. I did an eye test, answered some questions about the car and then we were ready to go. I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared in my life! But somehow I was able to overcome my nerves. I was a totally different person. I was so confident. I had no doubts about my ability. I knew I could do it! Being able to recognise that I was doing something so well was the best feeling in the world! I had to do parallel park as my manoeuvre and that has been a bit hit and miss recently in my lessons. But I just repeated to myself over and over again ‘you can do this’ and I did. Perfectly. I didn’t even have to make any adjustments. I had one shaky moment where I stalled the car... then stalled again! But, somehow, I was able to put my mistake behind me and keep going. I’ve NEVER been able to do that in lessons. I’d always dwell on a mistake and then go on to make more. I really was a different person! I still don’t know how I managed it.I really can’t describe how happy I am! This was a major achievement for me and I am so unbelievably proud of myself! It has been a long time since I felt so good about myself. I rock! Edit: I forgot to mention earlier, I got a lovely merit badge from Jay's debut novel is out now!  . Look!![Merit Badge in Determination
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So happy for you!! I'm over the moon that you're over the moon. May the successes in life remind you that determination will prevail! *hugs*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/badges/general-Determination-2500.gif) |
| I passed my driving test! First time! I only got two minor errors when you are allowed fifteen so I am absolutely over the moon! Yaaaaaaaay!!! |
| I am having horrible, horrible “flashbacks” tonight... so I can’t sleep... and it’s 5:10am... and I have a busy day tomorrow. I have a terrible headache and the constant distressing thoughts swirling around my mind are not helping at all. I wish I knew how to handle situations like this. Instead I just cry, and rub my head where it hurts and beg the thoughts to go away so I can get some peace, and moan in my blog of course. Because there is nothing else I can do and at least this feels like I’m doing something to try and stop it. I can’t stand it. |
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I enjoyed this expression.
