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 |  My first blog! |
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A Haunted Place  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Who Am I? Ghoulish and dark, serious and intense Okay, I may have exaggerated a little bit! I'm not that gloomy and miserable. I do know how to have fun and I love to laugh. This is my first blog and I've set it up to help motivate myself to write every day... well, almost every day... well, more often than I write now.  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I'm docked at "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond"  , a safe port for bloggers to connect. |
| I am feeling very, very anxious. My chest is tight and I feel like I can’t breathe. The thing is, I had a driving lesson on Tuesday where I made a pretty stupid mistake and slammed into the kerb. Although my driving instructor reassured me it wasn’t a big deal, I was really shaken up, partly because I'm new to it and partly because I’m a very nervous driver. But also, earlier in the lesson, I’d had an intrusive thought that I found pretty disturbing: I thought about deliberately steering the car off course. Now, this isn’t something I would ever, ever do and I know that. Logically I know that. Why then do I keep going over it and thinking maybe, just maybe, I drove into the kerb on purpose? I cannot get it out of my mind and I feel like I’m going crazy. One minute I’m convinced I didn’t do it on purpose and I know I wouldn’t do it. The next minute I’m filled with doubt and asking what if I did do it because the thought had crossed my mind earlier? If the thought can be in my mind, then perhaps it is something I’m capable of doing? But I know it isn’t! Arrggghhhh!!!! I hate my brain, I really do. How can I think both things at once? I really don’t know what is going on with me... I feel like I’m losing my mind. And I don’t think I’m even making sense.  |
Okay, I think my OCD is getting worse and I have been in denial about it for weeks until now. The intrusive thoughts are getting very, very frightening. Some of them are truly horrendous and I can’t believe I could imagine stuff like that. I feel like I’m a sick, disgusting person.  My thought processes are really scaring me. Some things can get repeated over and over in my head, literally for hours, and I have no control over it. I feel like my head is about to explode, like if those stupid thoughts circulate my brain one more time it’s just going to go kaboom and burst right out of my skull. I seriously can’t stand it anymore. The constant fucking noise in my head just makes me want to... what? I don’t know. I don’t know. I just need it to stop. |
I have some new poems in my port but have had very little feedback for them so I thought I'd plug them here:
This is my newest one and I like to think it's pretty funny. It makes me laugh anyway! 
I wasn't keen on this one at first but the more I read it, the more I like it.
I already blogged about this one but have only had one review for it so wouldn't mind some more...  |
| We Are Golden by Mika Teenage dreams in a teenage circus Running around like a clown on purpose Who gives a damn about the family you come from? No givin up when you’re young and you want some Running around again (Running around again) Running from running (repeat) Waking up in the midday sun What’s to live for? You could see what I’ve done Staring at emotion In the light of day I was running from the things that you’d say We are not what you think we are We are golden, we are golden. (We are not what you think we are We are golden, we are golden) Teenage dreams in a teenage circus Running around like a clown on purpose Who gives a damn about the family you come from? No giving up when you’re young and you want some Running around again (Running around again) Running from running (repeat) I was a boy at an open door Why you staring Do you still think that you know? Looking for treasure In the things that you threw Like a magpie I live for glitter, not you We are not what you think we are We are golden, we are golden (We are not what you think we are We are golden, we are golden) Teenage dreams in a teenage circus Running around like a clown on purpose Who gives a damn about the family you come from? No giving up when you’re young and you want some Now I’m sitting alone I’m finally looking around Left here on my own I’m gonna hurt myself Maybe losing my mind I’m still wondering why Had to let the world let it bleed me dry We are not what you think we are We are not what you think we are We are not what you think we are We are golden, we are golden Teenage dreams in a teenage circus Running around like a clown on purpose Who gives a damn about the family you come from? No giving up when you’re young and you want some Running around again (Running around again) Running from running (repeat) We are not what you think we are We are golden, we are golden I love, love, love this song! Some of the lyrics may be pretty stupid but the music is just... yay! It makes my soul cheer... and weep, for some reason. It’s that kind of bittersweet nostalgia-y type feeling, like it reminds me of something good that happened ages ago, which makes me feel great, but then I feel kind of sad because it happened so long ago and now is no more. Does that make sense? I’m sure someone else could explain it more articulately if they knew what the hell I’m talking about! Anyway, it’s 2:45am here in the UK and I’m doing everything I can to avoid going to bed as I’m not looking forward to tomorrow and want today to last as long as possible. Stupid, I know, but that’s how my brain works. I have a blood test first thing tomorrow morning, which I’m not really looking forward to. (Bizarre, that.  ) I’ve had plenty of blood tests so I know it will go okay, but still, I’d rather not have it, you know? Or have the symptoms I currently have which have made a blood test a good idea. (That’s a lot of ‘have’ in one sentence!) After my blood test, I have my third driving lesson (or technically my fifth and sixth as I’ve been having double lessons). They’ve been going okay but I find the whole thing pretty scary. My instructor is nice and must have faith in me as he let me drive on a main road (for about fifteen seconds) in my last lesson. Plus he had no qualms about answering his mobile while I was at the wheel. My heart was pounding the whole time his attention was less than 100% on my driving! I’m sure it will get easier and my confidence will improve, I just wish that would happen soon. Other than that, I don’t really have anything else to do tomorrow. As usual, my life is full of nothingness! (Though hopefully I will be going to Mark’s on Wednesday to spend Valentine’s Day with him). I’ve been trying to keep busy today to take my mind off the fifth anniversary of my brother’s death. I haven’t been as sad as I thought I would. My niece left a message about him on facebook which tugged at my heartstrings a bit though. This is why I get so angry at him sometimes. He’ll never get to see his beautiful daughters grow up and he has caused them all this pain. His death was stupid, pointless, avoidable... But that’s enough of that. I finished reading “My Family and Other Animals” by Gerald Durrell. I have no idea why but this book has been my nemesis for about twelve years. But I finally tackled and defeated it and really did enjoy it. Well I enjoyed most of it anyway. The ending is fantastic so that has increased my positive opinion of the book a bit. I was going to re-read “Requiem for a Dream” next but I’m not sure that’s a good idea now, what with it being about junkies... Perhaps I’ll wait until there is some more distance between the anniversary of my brother’s death and reading it. Again, enough about that! This is a looonnnggg blog entry for me. I’m feeling pretty chatty and I guess my poor blog has to bear the brunt of my ramblings. I’m taking part in the Defining Poetry contest again and am really enjoying it. I love that it gets me writing regularly. I’m pretty happy with my latest entry:
It’s different to how I usually write and I don’t know how it has turned out really, but I had a lot of fun writing it, so that’s the main thing. Anyway, my hands are getting tired so I’m going to stop typing now. Maybe I’ll try and sleep soon. Or maybe I’ll just listen to “We Are Golden” again! |
| My brother died five years ago today. I can’t believe it has been that long. It’s weird. I’d do anything to see him again, just to speak to him, even if it could only be once. I just wish I could tell him I love him. |
It's my birthday today! I'm 23 (practically an old woman! ) It has been great, especially as Mark is visiting. I got an early birthday present from my Mum on Wednesday: tickets to see Chicago at the theatre. It was fantastic! I'll probably blog more about it when I'm not so tired! I got loads of cards and pressies today so I feel totally spoiled, then I went for a meal with my family etc. It has been a really wonderful birthday.  |
Ghostranch  is getting behind the wheel for the first time EVER on Wednesday!!! Yep, I’m having my first driving lesson and I’m sooooo ridiculously nervous. I really need to do this though. I think getting my driver’s license will help me to feel more independent. I can’t actually imagine being able to drive at the moment... it seems so hard! But hey, if my idiotic friend Matt can get a license I’m sure I can too. Also, a lot of the jobs I’ve been looking at require a license, so yeah, I need to do this.But I’m scared!!!! Kind of excited too. But very, very scared!  I’m blogging instead of working on my entry for the new round of the Defining Poetry contest. I have most of the poem written and if it comes to it, I can just submit what I’ve done, but I really think it could be so much better. Oh well, I have until Saturday to improve it. Today has been loooonnnnnnggg and irritating. My sister was in a bad mood and that put me in a bad mood. And my Mum has been doing my head in, so now I’m hiding out in my room. I have been very bored recently but Mark is visiting for my birthday (which is on Saturday) and arrives tomorrow so I’m really looking forward to that. I just hope he doesn’t mind that I’ll be deserting him on Wednesday for two hours when I have my driving lesson.  And I hope I come back in one piece! |
Been facebook stalking!   That is all. |
| Two of the groups I was a member of, ACE and Images in Ink, have closed down. I only joined ACE recently and was having fun getting involved. I liked the idea of doing something new and meeting new people. Although Images in Ink hadn’t been an active group for a while, when it was up and running, it was a great group and I loved being a member. Now there are just three groups I’m active in: the Paper Doll Gang, Simply Positive and Simply Positive Newbie reviewers. That might be enough for some people, but I want more! I know there are many great groups on this website but I don’t know which one to join! I was invited to join the Rising Stars about ten months ago now, I think, and I still can’t decide whether or not to join! I don’t even know if they’ll still have me. I was invited to join the Angel Army when I first joined WDC but I was a newbie and overwhelmed by the vastness of the group and didn’t really understand how it worked. I was too scared to join! So, I suppose they are both potential options. But if anyone has any other suggestions or even just opinions on any of the groups on WDC, please leave a comment! I don’t want to join a group that is purely about reviewing, because I already have that with the Simply Positive groups. I don’t mind if reviewing is a requirement, just as long as there are other activities too. Today has been another pretty boring day. I’m going to karate tomorrow though as the weather is better and so is my hand. I’m so scared as I haven’t been in ages. I went to get my tickets earlier and yet again a staff member at the station was rude to me. I told her where I was going and said I wanted to get the 4.25pm train so she clicked away on the computer and then tried to charge me £27. So I told her I’m travelling on the London Midland service, not Virgin, which I thought was implied seeing as no Virgin trains leave at 4.25. She clicked away again and tried to charge me £16. So again, I reminded her which train I wanted to get and told her if I’m travelling before 5pm it should be £8.50, which it was of course. So finally that all got sorted and she handed me my ticket. I was waiting for an apology from her for messing me about so much when she said in an extremely unfriendly manner: ‘make sure you tell us you’re travelling with London Midland next time.’  I just said ‘right’ in the coldest voice I could muster and then ‘thank you’ in my best sarcastic tone. I wish I’d been brave enough to have a go at her though! She deserved it. Stupid cow! They get me so mad in that place. I’ve started buying my tickets online but unfortunately there are some that you have to purchase at the station for some reason.I walked Jadey earlier and that was kind of stressful as we kept coming across other dogs. Jade really doesn’t like other dogs. She adores people and is so friendly towards them but she won’t tolerate dogs. It’s rather frustrating. I thought she was getting better, but she was terrible today. She’s very strong and now all my muscles are aching from trying to hold her back. And that has been my day basically! |
| This might sound weird, but I really wish I didn’t have to eat. It’s so much effort preparing stuff, cooking it and then eating it. I really hate the whole thing and wish I could quit. Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely grateful I have food etc. I just find it hard sometimes... whatever "it" is. I think I’m just lacking in motivation at the moment.(Duh! ) I sent off a couple of email enquiries about flats and one person has gotten back to me and left a message on the phone asking me to call back. Now it comes to it, I really can’t be bothered because I’ll have to ask loads of questions and remember loads of information. Then I’ll have to set up a viewing and try and persuade someone to come with me so I don’t have to go alone. Then I’ll have to arrange travel. Then I’ll actually have to go. Then blah, blah, blah.I know, I’m never going to move if I can’t be bothered to do all that crap but I’m finding it really, really hard and I’m getting all panicky about it. The flat looks sooooooo nice (from the pictures) and is in a good area. The only problem is that it’s unfurnished. But that is a problem I’m willing to take on if it means getting out of here sooner. I just can't get motivated to sort anything out. |
| It has been such an irritating day! I came downstairs this morning and was sat doing some reviews online, enjoying the peace and quiet, when my brother and his girlfriend came down, yapping away. Then they put the TV on and turned it up really loud. Then M pulled all the curtains for some reason so the room was really dark. All of this while ignoring me as both are unbelievably rude and unfriendly. I was fuming! I ended up going back upstairs. Then I decided to take Jade out but just as I was getting ready M called up and asked me to send her down as they wanted to walk her! Grrrrrrr. The whole day has been like that and it is dragging on and on and on. I’ve just been watching Dancing on Ice. It’s really fun to watch and makes me want to learn to skate! I’ve only been ice-skating two or three times in my life and I was rubbish—I just spent the whole time hugging the wall, terrified I was going to fall. I can roller-skate (a bit) but even that didn’t help me on the ice! I wonder if I’d be better at it now. My balance is better and I’m used to falling and/or getting hurt because of karate so I like to think I would be more daring, maybe even let go of the wall... Maybe I’ll go some time. Maybe Mark will come with me when he visits.  Ooooh, I could do it for my birthday! |
| I finished reading The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck last night. It’s the second time I’ve read it but I was still shocked by the ending all over again! The first time I read the book, I found the ending slightly repellent. I got it but it wasn’t wholly satisfying. This time around I appreciated it more. I don’t really know what has changed. Maybe it’s just because I’m that little bit older... and hopefully more mature. I don’t know! I love the book but I disagree with those who say it is his best. East of Eden is a far superior book in my opinion. It’s just flawless—amazingly real characters, beautiful descriptions and an awesome plot that builds and builds to one of the best endings I have ever read. Ever! I’m now reading The Road by Cormac McCarthy. I’m not that far into it but it’s quite intense already. And cold. It’s so cold. I’m freezing cold the whole time I’m reading it at the moment! I hope it warms up... Last night was not a good night. One of the worst I’ve had in a while. I’m so depressed at the moment. Mainly because I don’t feel I have a purpose and I don’t think I’m going anywhere in life. I’m just stuck and nothing is changing and I can’t cope with it anymore. Whoa! Just noticed from my stats that my blog has been viewed 13 times today! |
| The Wrong Child by REM I've watched the children come and go A late long march into spring I sit and watch those children Jump in the tall grass Leap the sprinkler Walk in the ground Bicycle clothespin spokes The sound the smell of swingset hands I will try to sing a happy song I'll try and make a happy game to play Come play with me I whispered to my new found friend Tell me what it's like to go outside I've never been Tell me what it's like to just go outside I've never been And I never will I'm not supposed to be like this I'm not supposed to be like this But it's okay Hey, those kids are looking at me I told my friend myself Those kids are looking at me They're laughing and they're running over here They're laughing and they're running over here What do I do? What can I do? What should I do? What do I say? What can I say? I said I'm not supposed to be like this Let's try to find a happy game to play Let's try to find a happy game to play I'm not supposed to be like this But it's okay, okay Oh god this song just tears me up. It breaks my heart. I know it has hope in it, but still, there’s something about it that really gets to me. That line, ‘I’m not supposed to be like this’. How many times have I thought that about myself? I don’t know. I don’t know. Too many. Stunning song. I can’t stop listening to it! I’m just depressed and feeling kind of restless and just... desperate? I just can’t shake it. Feel like I’m going to go crazy if I don’t do something and do it soon. I don’t know what yet. Just something. Something needs to change. I need a sign or something. A sign that it will all be okay and work out, otherwise I don’t know what I’m still doing here. I don’t even know what I’m saying! It’s nearly 4.30AM and I’m just so, so tired. Too scared to sleep though because I don’t want tomorrow to come. Ha! How stupid is that? |
| I want everything—a good job, a nice house, a family etc, etc... My problem is I’m impatient and I always feel like I’m running out of time. Everyone around me seems to be getting promoted, getting married, getting a house, getting everything and I start wondering why it isn’t all happening for me. I know, you have to make it happen for yourself, blah, blah, blah. Well, I’m trying to make it happen. I don’t like being the one left behind. |
| I am not having a good day. I would love to rant but I think I should probably keep this one to myself. Here's a poem instead that gets out some of my feelings on the issue without me talking about it directly and causing a shitload of trouble for myself: The Cat You probably think I am a pussycat. Well, you’re right. I sit and tuck myself up tight, the way they do, and watch the world through glass-bright eyes. A pretty, harmless thing: so shy, so small... and oh what dainty paws! But don’t be fooled; because, of course, beneath each fur-lined sheath there lies a lethal claw. |
| I read a magazine article today that made me pretty angry. It was written by a man whose wife had a termination because they learned their unborn child had Down’s syndrome. It wasn’t really that that made me angry even though it is obviously a horrible situation. I know it’s very easy for me to say it isn’t something I would or could do having never been in the situation (and I really don’t know how I feel about abortion to be honest). What got to me was the man shifted all of the blame/responsibility/culpability onto his wife by repeatedly stressing how he’d insisted it was his wife’s decision and that he’d fully support her whatever she decided. Of course, ultimately, the decision has to be the woman’s because it is her body, but I believe it is something they should have decided together, if possible. A man might think he’s being all honourable when he says ‘you decide and I’ll support your decision’, but I think it’s an absolute cop-out. How dare he leave her with such a huge choice to make on her own? But I guess he can alleviate any guilt he feels now by reassuring himself that he wasn’t actually the person who decided to end/prevent the life. He disgusted me. Perhaps I’m being harsh. I don’t know. My hand is feeling a little better today, which is surprising as I managed to fall on it yesterday. My arm is hurting from the fall though, and so is my knee. And my ankle. That didn’t stop me from walking into town through the snow today with my Mum though. I’m crazy! I wanted to spend a book voucher I got for Christmas. I bought The Road by Cormac McCarthy and Small Island by Andrea Levy. I finished a book of selected Carol Ann Duffy poems last night that Mark loaned me. I absolutely loved it! “Queen Kong” was my favourite, I think. It’s genius! So weird, yet so wonderful! I might do a review or two later as my hand is feeling a bit better. It has been okay whilst I’ve been blogging. Then again, I don’t want to push myself too soon and make it worse. I’ll just see how it goes. It’s rather frustrating. |
| I forgot to mention before, I’ve upped the rating on my blog to XGC. I realised when I was writing my entry on the 5th of January that I have used bad language pretty often in this blog. Just to be on the safe side, I thought it was best to go for the higher rating. It probably isn’t necessary but hey, now I can be as graphic, vulgar, rude and crude as I like and not have to worry that someone looking for graphic content will be offended by my (possibly) extremely graphic content. So that’s that. I also forgot to blog about the worst review I’ve ever received. Yep, I received my first one star rating. The review was set as public but only consisted of two words so didn’t make it onto the review page. I don’t see why I shouldn’t share it here though as they intended it to be public. Basically it was: ‘YUKKK !!! CRAFTY’ or something like that. Charming. And illuminating. Not. I thought about replying and sending a link to the reviewing guidelines but I just couldn’t be bothered. Luckily it wasn’t for a poem I care much about so it didn’t upset me. I was a bit shocked though and angry about their rudeness. I used the ‘hide review’ function. I don’t need shit like that alongside all the kind, encouraging, helpful and constructive reviews I’ve received. That would have absolutely crushed me if I was a newer member. I would have considered leaving the site. I hope I’m the only one this person has targeted. But again, that’s that. I’m not spending any more of my time bothering about it.One last thing I forgot to mention, I have been nominated for two quills award for the second time in two years! The following have received nominations:
I wish I knew who’d nominated me... I think that’s everything I’d forgotten to mention! That’s that. |
| I went to the doctors today as I have pain in my hand which has been bothering me for a while. The doctor thinks I may have tendonitis. I’m not convinced seeing as you usually get it through a sport injury or through overusing the tendon. As I haven’t been able to go to karate regularly and have just had two weeks where I barely used a computer, I’m not sure it is tendonitis. Anyway, the doctor prescribed painkillers and said to go back in a couple of weeks if it doesn’t settle down and she’ll refer me to a hand clinic. It’s rather frustrating as now I’m back home I want to get caught up on stuff on WDC and get back into reviewing. I probably shouldn’t be typing now but I feel like blogging! I’m trying to type one handed as much as possible but I’m finding that hard and I don’t want to overuse the other hand. Grrrrrrr. Anyway, my first Christmas away from home was great! Mark and his family made it really special for me. I got some awesome presents including a Killers live CD and concert DVD and lots of other DVDs. I got loads of books and have now completed my collection of Kazuo Ishiguro’s novels. My sister gave me a framed photo of our dogs Jade and Sophie. Sophie died a few months ago and I still miss her so much. I felt myself welling up when I saw that present!New Year’s Eve was good too though we decided not to stay out until midnight as it was far too cold. We went to a fireworks show at Cardiff Castle which was fantastic and then welcomed in the New Year in the warmth! Lots of good stuff has happened to me on WDC that I just haven’t had time to record in my blog, so I’ll do that now! I won third place overall in the Defining Poetry contest. The prize was amazing—a merit badge and two awardicons. These items got awarded:
I’m so happy my Poetic Diary has a pretty ribbon attached to it! I also got a lovely black ribbon for my three-lined poem:
And another ribbon for this one:
So all that has given me quite a boost! |
| I’m back home and am in an extremely bad mood. Christmas and New Year with Mark was great but I’ll blog about that when I’m feeling better. I came home to a really pleasant letter threatening to cut my benefits because I missed an appointment that should never have been made. If the assessment people could just get their heads out of their arses, learn to do their jobs and stop pissing me about I would be extremely grateful. But that’s never going to happen. I know it can all be resolved and that my benefits won’t be cut but it’s all just stress and hassle that I could really do without. I’ve cooperated with everything the job centre people want me to do and now I’m made to feel like I’ve cocked up or that I’m some kind of criminal because the assessment service they are associated with don’t know how to do their fucking jobs? I’m bloody sick of it. (Well that’s an understatement!) Breathe. Breathe. |
| I have a cold and it is making me miserable. When I’m miserable I like to wallow in it and make myself more miserable. I’ve been reading through my old diaries, my private diaries that no one has ever read, not to my knowledge anyway. I would die if I found out someone had read them. Anyway, it isn’t light reading. My blog entries may seem pretty dire at times but they are nothing compared to my diary ramblings. I don’t know why I don’t just burn them all or something. I’m so terrified that I’m going to die and then my family will find them and read them. I know this is a stupid thing to be scared of as I’ll be dead and won’t know that they’ve been read or see how the people who read them reacted. But still, I plan on destroying them soon. The diaries, I mean, not the people! I don’t know why I’m reading them really but it has helped me to realise one thing: I do not want to go back to counselling at the moment or even in the near future or maybe ever. It was such an emotionally intense time in my life and I got stupidly attached to my counsellor and I just couldn’t go through it all again. So, if the antidepressants don’t work when I finally pluck up the courage to take them, what’s next? I have no idea. |
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