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 |  My first blog! |
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A Haunted Place  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Who Am I? Ghoulish and dark, serious and intense Okay, I may have exaggerated a little bit! I'm not that gloomy and miserable. I do know how to have fun and I love to laugh. This is my first blog and I've set it up to help motivate myself to write every day... well, almost every day... well, more often than I write now.  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I'm docked at "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond"  , a safe port for bloggers to connect. |
I took a break from crap over the weekend and was supposed to get back to dealing with stuff on Monday but that didn’t quite work out. I spent Monday until Wednesday evening feeling sorry for myself and not really doing very much (my lowest point was not being able to leave the flat on Monday and having to miss karate  ). But I came back fighting today—made some more dreaded phone calls, rang a housing association and asked for an application, looked through the property section of the local paper. It’s exhausting but I’m not giving up. My stubbornness is my best quality, I think! Well, it got me my 2:1 degree anyway! But why do I have to fight for everything all the time? It’s not fair! |
| I never thought I’d get a facebook account but I’m glad I did! I’m using it to keep in touch with my ex-flatmate who has now moved back to Trinidad and Tobago. I’ve gotten back in touch with two friends from University who graduated the year before me. One is now living in Essex and the other has moved to Norway. I’ve added two of my (half) brother G’s half-siblings. Our families have always been linked because of G but I haven’t seen them for years. It’s nice to get a glimpse of where they are in life now! I’m also back in touch with someone I used to go horse-riding with. She’s a psychobitch and I’m still wary of her but she’s had two kids since I last saw her and seems to have mellowed a bit. I’m still determined not to add old school friends though, however tempting it is to spy on their lives! Today is really shitty. Yesterday was really shitty. I think life is generally going to be really shitty for a while. I’ve started reading “The Time Traveler’s Wife” by Audrey Niffenegger (love that name!  ) I’m really enjoying it. The plot is so original and intriguing. I’m finding it hard to get my thoughts around it though! I’ve got an idea for a poem but I can’t seem to write it. I’ve put my poem “Glass” on private for now. I’ve decided it’s not ready to be public yet because I actually do want to work on it some more. As I said to runningwolf04 yesterday, the poem sounded different in my head. I get that a lot and was relieved to find I’m not the only one.  I’ve also got an idea for a short story. I’m still nervous about story writing. I’ve got my two 100-word stories in my port but I’m too scared to share anything longer! |
I went to see Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince tonight and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I’ve finally found a way to enjoy the films—go to see them with absolutely no expectations! The acting abilities of the three lead actors have improved considerably (in my opinion). Alan Rickman was as wonderful as ever. Jim Broadbent was wonderful as Slughorn. Even Michael Gambon’s Dumbledore didn’t irritate me! There were a few minor annoyances but overall I thought it was great!  |
| I’m at my Mum’s for the weekend. I couldn’t sleep last night, despite feeling exhausted after a busy day. I ended up falling asleep about 5am and then our dog, Jade, decided she’d wake me up at 8am by scratching on my bedroom door. She’s such a clingy dog. She’s also the biggest wimp in the world—right now she’s hiding behind my chair because she heard a car door bang shut. I realise she has issues. Our Dad did considerable psychological damage to the whole family, including her. Talking about my Dad, it has been six years (and two days) since my parents split up. (Aren’t I in a cheerful mood today?!) I was the only one in the house this morning and the phone rang. It was a nurse from the hospital drop-in service and she goes: ‘Hello, I’m a nurse ringing from [name of hospital] are you a relative of M’s?’ M is my brother so I said yes. My heart was in my mouth at this point, thinking she was about to tell me he’d been in an accident or something. I started trembling. Maybe an overreaction but it’s understandable considering the number of times we’ve had the hospital ring up to say my Dad’s there. Anyway, turns out she was just trying to get hold him. Why didn’t she just ask to speak to him?  What a moron. I was so angry but still in shock so wasn’t able to give her a piece of my mind!I’m not as upset now about the person’s rant about my review. The way I see it, if you put your work on a website and ask for feedback, you are going to get positive and negative feedback. I’m not going to stop reviewing. I may find it hard but it is such an important part of the community. I’m not going to start bullshitting people either. If I think there are problems in your writing I’m going to tell you (politely of course). I always try to be positive, polite and encouraging in my reviews. I think I’ve rambled on enough. Now I’m going to go and get lunch! |
| I’m upset! I just realised that someone has ranted about a review I gave them in a message forum that has been set up for people to vent. They don’t name me but they mentioned something I said in my review. So unless someone else said the same thing… it’s about me. I find reviewing tough. REALLY tough. I had little confidence in my reviewing ability and now I have none. It upsets me that someone has been hurt by my comments. I never intentionally hurt people. It upsets me that they have gone off and complained about me somewhere public on the site but haven’t spoken to me about my comments. I’m a reasonable person. I would have apologised for hurting their feelings. It puts me off reviewing. I want to be honest in my comments but I don’t want to upset people or break their confidence. There is more I want to say but I can’t seem to say it. Maybe I’ll try again later when I’m less upset! |
Methinks that: a syllabic form prompt for my contest was a mistake. I’m already getting ridiculously OCDish over syllable counts. We’ve only had three entries so far and the judging hasn’t even begun!  the stupid cleaning lady needs to get out of my flat. Now. Why have the office sent in a cleaning lady when I’m still living here? How insulting! My flat is spotless. I feel like I can’t leave my room. Stupid shyness! I’m hungry. I want to go and raid the kitchen but I don’t want to meet the cleaning lady! phones should be banned. I seriously hate talking on the phone and I’ve had to do it so much recently. fudge is the best thing in the world and I sure wish I hadn’t eaten all of mine. the same goes for sour cream and onion Pringles. If I keep eating so much fudge and Pringles I am going to get fat. I should stop blogging now and go deal with stuff. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I have had a horribly stressful day. The housing people are not ‘obligated’ to provide me with housing because I’m a ‘single’, childless person and apparently we don’t matter and have next to no rights. So the obvious solution is... get pregnant!!! Joke... I have no intention of doing that. I’m lucky that I can move back in with my family if I have to. But that is a last resort. Sometimes I think I’d rather be on the streets than go back there. I used to consider running away and living at the local lake when I was about fourteen/fifteen. I’m being serious! I love my family but that house... that town... those ghosts which bring back fucked up memories. I couldn’t bear to move back there. The mere thought of it is driving me insane. Well, more insane.I nearly killed myself in karate tonight. Everyone else who turned up for the session had a brown belt or above so I thought I’d make the most of their wisdom and experience! I pushed myself way too hard and now I’m suffering. I have some mysterious injuries too. For some reason my knuckles are bleeding even though I didn’t hit anyone or anything (it wasn’t that kind of practise!) Perhaps it’s just because I had my fists clenched so tight.  I also have bruises over my hip bones and I cannot work out why. That really is a puzzle! I didn’t get hit. I didn’t fall over. What’s with the damn bruises?! I have some not so mysterious injuries too, like the horrible blisters on the soles of my feet and the screaming muscles in my legs and sides. Why do I love karate so much?If I’m honest I really don’t want tomorrow to come. Everything is too stressful at the moment. I wish I could just go into hibernation or something. Just take a break from life. |
| Oh my god. I am so annoyed. I got a letter from the Housing Office today saying that I’m on the housing register now but I’ve been placed in the lowest priority band: the ‘want to move’ band. I do NOT want to fucking move, I HAVE to fucking move. Why is that so hard to understand? I was a student. I moved into student accommodation. I’m no longer a student. I’m no longer welcome in student accommodation. It isn’t fucking rocket science. Why is the system so complicated? Why is the process taking so long when my situation is starting to get urgent? And why doesn’t anyone seem to want to help me? I am not giving up on this because I am NOT moving back in with my family. I am so close to losing it. I don’t know exactly what ‘it’ is but when it’s gone... well I think things might get ugly! Yeah I can appeal their stupid fucked up decision but I have to call this number. I don’t have a landline. ARGH. I’m done. |
I’ve written a new poem! My first since April. It’s for Dutch’s Poetry Contest. The challenge was to write using the poetical device, anaphora. I wrote mine in the style of Rudyard Kipling’s ‘If’ because that is the only poem I can think of at the moment that uses the device... plus I really love the poem! Anyway, here’s my attempt; it’s so corny but I’m just happy that I’m writing again:
Edit: I've also decided to create a static item for a poem that I wrote directly into my blog a while ago:
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| Mark went home today. I’m going to miss him. I hate goodbyes! It was a fun visit even though I had a lot of stressful things to deal with, like sorting out my housing benefit and trying to find somewhere else to live. That’s why I haven’t blogged in a while. Also, my ultrasound scan appointment came through whilst Mark was here. I’m so glad I had someone with me when I went to the hospital because I was scared! That was my first ultrasound scan and it was... um... an interesting experience! I had to drink a pint and a half of water an hour before,  then when I got there they made me wait in a corridor right opposite a toilet! It was torture! The scan itself was fairly quick thankfully and then I was allowed to... er... relieve myself. That was the best damn pee ever. EVER!I went to karate tonight and a new guy came along. He’s a 3rd Dan in another style of karate. It’s always quite interesting and rather illuminating when people from other styles come and practise with us. They are always shocked at the standard of the lower grade belts in our club. Of course it’s a major confidence boost to realise that I can catch out someone who has a black belt. Plus I was able to block his attack every single time. One thing that annoyed me though was when we were doing sanbon kumite. This is where one person will punch three times and their partner moves backwards, avoiding the fists obviously, blocks the third attack and then counterattacks. It doesn’t take a genius to work out that you need to pull the counterattack short so you don’t actually hit your partner. Of course in a real situation you’d hit the person but in a training situation (when you’re not using pads) it’s a cheap shot to make full contact. Anyway, this new guy kept forgetting to pull his counterattack short. It didn’t matter so much because there really wasn’t any power in his punch. The annoying thing though was that he kept hitting me in the breast. Idiot! |
| I’ve graduated! The ceremony was this morning and my Mum and sister travelled up especially. Mark is also visiting so I got to share my special day with three of the most important people in my life! I was actually dreading going—I was so anxious—but it was a great day and I’m so glad I went. I really can’t find the words to describe how I felt when my degree was read out and my name was called. Proud is an understatement! I was so nervous about walking across the platform in front of all those people but I managed to do it without falling over! After the ceremony we had something to eat and then took lots of photos! Some of them even came out pretty good so I’ll think about putting one up here in my blog. I’m not sure yet though! I bought a souvenir t-shirt which has ‘Class of 2009 Faculty of Sciences’ written on the front and a list of students on the back (yay, my name’s on a t-shirt!) And then this evening Mark and I went to the pub with C and E, which was a nice finish to a fantastic day. I’m still feeling numb with disbelief really! Though University has been extremely tough for me and I’m relieved it’s over, a part of me is also kind of sad. A chapter of my life has just come to a close and I’m excited and terrified about starting the next one! |
| because I keep rolling them! I am in such a bad mood. It doesn’t take a lot to annoy me to be honest, but I think the speed I went from being fine to being unbelievably irritated by absolutely everything has to be some kind of record. I feel like I’m seconds away from throwing something through the window. Maybe myself. No, that probably wouldn’t work; I have a ground floor flat! I might throw my TV through the window though. I hate it! I don’t watch television very often but the one time I do want to watch something the reception has to be all fucked up. It has been a long and tiring day but I coped pretty well until now. I had to go to the doctors’ yet again but it really wasn’t that bad. I’m still getting used to the fact that I have found a doctor who actually knows how to do his job. It’s a miracle! The only drawback is a lot of other people have twigged that he’s good at his job so it’s often quite hard to get an appointment with him. I spent the evening cleaning my flat. I find cleaning therapeutic. Now that all my flatmates have moved out there isn’t quite so much to do but I still managed to keep it up for a good few hours. That’s OCD for you! Part of my experience with OCD is a fear of chemicals and that can be anything from a strong, flesh-melting acid to a household disinfectant spray (bizarrely, even washing up liquid makes me anxious). Not soap though. Soap is my friend. Anyway, that makes cleaning quite an ‘experience’ for me because I have to go and vigorously wash potentially lethal chemicals off my hands every five minutes. If I wear rubber gloves I can lengthen the interval between hand washes to about fifteen minutes, but still, those pesky chemicals might penetrate the rubber. It’s just not worth the risk... ... ... I hate OCD. |
| I know it is a little cliché to say that music is a powerful force in our lives but it really is true. I’m sure we can all think of songs that hold special meanings to us, whether we associate them with certain people or moments in our lives. I’ve been thinking about this quite a lot tonight for some reason, so here are a few of the songs that are important to me. I guess I’d include them on a soundtrack to my life! Crazy Maze by Des’ree This song “belongs” to me and my sister! We’re very close and always have a lot of fun when we are together. On one memorable occasion we were listening to music and were in fits of laughter over something when this song came on and we both started singing it at the top of our voices. When I listen to it now I just remember that moment and how happy we both were. How Did It Ever Come To This? by Easyworld I played this song a lot (through my headphones) at school, mostly during breaks when my so-called friends were totally ignoring me. It made those times slightly more bearable. Now when I listen to it I usually get angry about the way they treated me. I still think it’s a great song though! A Sort Of Homecoming by U2 My brother died in February 2005 but it didn’t really hit me until April when I went through an incredibly scary period of depression. Around that time I bought U2’s album, The Unforgettable Fire, and as dramatic as it sounds I firmly believe that album saved my life. I played it over and over again during my darkest moments and this song in particular helped me through. I don’t play it very often these days. It will always be special to me but it brings back painful memories. Bones by the Killers This song was big around the time I met my two wonderful friends and would often get played in the pub where we went after karate. I feel extremely privileged to have C and E in my life and this song makes me think of them with a smile! More Than A Feeling by Boston I tend to play this song just before I have something scary to face. It helps me to ‘gear’ myself up and just get out the door and do whatever I have to do. It’s almost like a lucky charm—something I need to make sure things go well! The One I Love by REM I associate this song with Mark. We went to see REM live last year and it was amazing. I remember we snuggled up during this song and I just felt so blissfully happy. It wasn’t a cheesy fireworks moment but more a ‘I can’t think of a place I’d rather be or a person I’d rather be with’ kind of moment. *Sigh* I’m sure there are more but the word ‘overkill’ comes to mind so I think I’ll leave it here. It was fun! |
| My graduation ceremony is on Monday and I have NOTHING TO WEAR!!! Okay, that isn’t entirely true. I have a pair of smart, black trousers and I bought a simple white shirt today. The thing is when I tried them on together I looked like I was wearing a school uniform. I do not want to look like a school girl in my graduation photos! I’ve got four days to get something else but I don’t know what. I’ve never been to a graduation ceremony before so I’m not entirely sure what the dress code is. Well, I know it’s smart but what does that mean?! Smart-casual? Smart-formal? Is there something in between? If so, what the hell is it?! I’m panicking! |
| The power of fudge cannot be underestimated. After a stressful afternoon these delectable squares of pure delight are just what I need. I’m eating way more than I should but who cares?! It’s not like I do this every day... just every other day!!! (Joke!) Though I do eat a ridiculous amount of crap and still manage to stay tiny. It must be all the karate I do, plus all the walking. Not being able to drive, and a bus phobia mean I have to walk a lot. Good thing I love walking. I handed a housing application form in today. I swear delegates from every one of Britain’s worst stereotypes were congregated in the waiting room of the housing office. I don’t like to judge people but it was very hard not to. I was trying not to succumb to the panic that was crushing my heart and lungs so I had to do something to distract myself: I judged away! There was one guy (wearing a shell suit of course) who looked like he’d just dropped by having been released from prison. Then there was the “chav”* mother who kept admonishing her child with ‘if you don’t shut up right now I’m going to smack you.’ She didn’t smack him thankfully. I don’t care how crappy a person’s situation or is or how stressed they are, there is no excuse for talking to a child like that. It does my head in. So that has been my day so far. What fun! At least I’ve taken steps to prevent my imminent homelessness. Ergh, I feel sick. Too much fudge! (*For a definition of "chav" please see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chav). |
| I am very tired, achy, battered and bruised after karate. It was an extremely intense session. There were only two of us there tonight (not including our instructor) and we both have green belts, so we practised for an hour and half at our own level. Our instructor really pushed us and I thought I was going to die at one point! My leg muscles are killing me, I had my toes kicked and trodden on, my wrist is playing up again and I hurt my ankle. So why do I love karate more than ever? I have no idea! One interesting thing I have noticed is that men and women approach karate in very different ways. Women seem to be very focused on form and technique whereas men are all about speed and power. I think the “female approach” works well for someone just starting karate, and in my experience women are quicker at picking up the basics. However, once the practise starts to get more advanced the “male approach” is much better. I’m having to learn that necessary “aggression” now, whereas most of the men in our club have always had that. As we spent so long practising form as beginners the men have an advantage now (i.e. they have developed good technique plus they have their natural aggression)! It’s not fair! Of course I’m generalising. I’m just basing this all on my own experiences and observations. Anyway, I don’t have much else to blog about. I’ve had a very boring day! All that happened really was my sister tried to show me how to use facebook this morning and I travelled back home after spending the weekend at my Mum’s in the afternoon. And then I went to karate this evening of course. I lead such an exciting life! |
I hate them. Really. Burn the fuckers!!! Mine have all started hurting me, which tells me I need to get some new ones. But I hate shopping for them. I went this afternoon and came back braless of course ( ). It seems that if you’re petite, like me (my band size is thirty inches), then you must have small breasts. No, somebody that small couldn’t possibly be larger than a D cup. It does my head in. If I do actually manage to find bras in my size then they are usually really garish and ugly or totally boring. Grrrrr. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| So… I got a Facebook account. I was determined not to join. Just a month ago I blogged to say I didn’t want to join ("Invalid Entry" ). So what’s changed? I don’t know really! But there you go. The temptation is greater than ever now to get back in touch with people from school and see how their lives are going… and to brag about the good things in my life. (And there are good things! I do know that). But I must stay strong! Those people nearly destroyed me and I’m better off without them. My last few years at school were some of the lowest times of my life. I was rejected by thirteen or so people in the space of one year and I still don’t fully understand why. Even today, four years on, I’m affected by what they did to me. I don’t trust people and I’m constantly afraid I’m going to get rejected again. But I have to remind myself that I have real friends now who actually care about me and wouldn’t treat me like that. It’s just hard to remember that sometimes when I’m feeling really depressed. I’m bored today. I got up late and all I’ve done since then is read the papers. Of course they’re all going on and on about Michael Jackson at the moment. I’m really surprised at just how sad I am about his death. It’s not like I have ever considered myself a fan. I like his music as in I wouldn’t switch it off if it came on the radio, but I’ve never bought one of his albums. Maybe it’s just that I’ve always been aware of him. I mean, I knew his music even when I was a child. It would always get played at holiday camps and at school discos etc. I’ve just always felt kind of sorry for him too. He seemed so child-like… so vulnerable. But then the murkier stuff is in the back of my mind as well and I feel kind of confused! I’m not sure I’m explaining myself very well. So perhaps I’ll just end these particular thoughts by saying that no matter how strange or creepy he was or how circus show-like his life was, he was an extremely gifted man and the music world has suffered a great loss. (Wow, that was corny!) |
| …they don’t come true. No, the Eels got it wrong! The trouble with dreams is they make me feel like I haven’t slept. Recently I keep waking up knowing that I’ve just had a disturbing dream but unable to remember any details of it. I wake up feeling exhausted because my mind has been busy all night! Well, that’s when I get to sleep of course. I’m finding that damn near impossible these days. But enough moaning. I’ve been doing way too much of that over the last few days. I’ve started reading “Enduring Love” by Ian McEwan. It’s really good so far, but wow the opening was shocking. I think it’s going to stay with me for a long time. It’s a very hot day but as long as the breeze sticks around I’ll be okay! The dogs are out on the patio, basking in the sun. I feel so sorry for Sophie at the moment. She’s not very well (she has diabetes) and the vet has yet to find the right level of insulin for her. She seems pretty depressed and she hates having her injections. She bows her head and gives everyone the pleading puppy-dog eyes when she sees my Mum with the needle. It breaks my heart! |
| I’m sat with my Mum and sister in the living room and we’ve been chatting and laughing. But at the same time I’ve got all these thoughts and images running through my mind—it’s stuff I don’t want to think about, stuff that disturbs me. It all just refuses to go away. I’m tired of this shit. |
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