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 |  My first blog! |
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A Haunted Place  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Who Am I? Ghoulish and dark, serious and intense Okay, I may have exaggerated a little bit! I'm not that gloomy and miserable. I do know how to have fun and I love to laugh. This is my first blog and I've set it up to help motivate myself to write every day... well, almost every day... well, more often than I write now.  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I'm docked at "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond"  , a safe port for bloggers to connect. |
| Is there anything worse than realising you’re second best? You’re good... but not quite good enough. It’s like a kick in the stomach. I have a cold. I usually cope well when I get colds but not this time. My ears are affected this time and it’s driving me crazy. One of them has popped and won’t un-pop so it feels and sounds like I have one side of my head submerged in water! Grrrrrrrr. I have a poem in my mind but it doesn’t seem to want to be written. I don’t know why but my confidence in my writing is probably the lowest it has ever been at the moment. I’ve been getting so many great reviews recently too but even they can’t convince me that my writing isn’t shit. I don’t really know what to do about it...  |
Hmmmm. Two blog entries in one night! I felt the need to do a second one because I have two new poems in my port:
I wrote this for a contest but I probably won’t enter it after all. I loved the prompt though—it was brilliant! I wanted to keep my poem simple. I wanted it to be one succinct thought. In that respect I think I have succeeded. Plus, I hate, hate, hate chains of the Lune from (even though I have written one) just like I absolutely loathe chains of haiku (even though I have written several of those.  ) I like this poem. But I don’t like that it has weak end-line words. I keep telling myself those trailing weak words make the poem flow but I don’t really believe it! Oh well. I’m done with this piece. Maybe I’ll write a better one next time ‘round.This second poem is technically a new old piece. I reworked it the other week:
It’s probably overwritten now! I know it isn’t very good but I want to add as much new stuff to my port as possible to stop it from becoming stagnant. I may not have the courage to keep them public for long. |
| I am very upset. I’ve had a very crappy day and it just seems to be getting worse and worse. I feel like my life is falling apart and I can’t even be bothered to try and stop it. In fact, I seem to be doing everything in my power to fuck things up even more. I’m lonely, angry, sad, freaked out and above anything, I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired of everything. |
| By the Eels You’re dead but the world keeps spinning Take a spin through the world you left It’s getting dark a little too early Are you missing the dearly bereft? Taking flight and you could be Here tomorrow Taking flight, well, you could get Here tonight I’m gonna fly on down for the Last stop to this town What? I’m going to fly on down then fly away Well, alright Get down Takin’ a spin through the neighbourhood The neighbours scream Whatchya talkin’ bout? ‘Cause they don’t know how to Let you in And I can’t let you out What if I was not your only friend In this world? Can you take me where you’re going If you’re never coming back? I’m gonna fly on down for the Last stop to this town I’m gonna fly on down then Fly away on my way Get down Why don’t we take a ride away up high Through the neighbourhood Up over the billboards and the factories And smoke I’m gonna fly on down for the Last stop to this town Yeah I’m gonna fly on down then Fly away on my way Fly away Get down I love, love, love this song! It may be about a death but there’s nothing depressing about it. To me, this song is about relief and letting go. It’s about dealing with the death of a loved one. There’s one line in particular that makes me think of my brother, G: ‘‘Cause they don’t know how to Let you in And I can’t let you out’ It reminds me of a line from one of my poems. "Invalid Item" :‘I've locked you in my mind for three long years.’ That’s what a ghost is to me. Not the transparent, Casper-the-friendly-ghost types, but the inability to say goodbye and move on, the inability to face up to the fact that someone is dead. It took me three years to “accept” G’s death. He doesn’t haunt me anymore. I still think of him often but that’s not the same thing as locking him in my mind. I hope that makes sense because I don’t know how to explain it! I think anyone who has ever lost someone will know what I mean though. I don’t know why I’m blogging about this. Time to change subject, I think! I had my hospital appointment yesterday and it was pretty stressful. It should all by over now though and I could cry with relief. Over a year of distressing symptoms and it took one simple procedure to (hopefully) sort it out. Please, please, please let this be the end of it! Today has been so boring. I went to karate on Monday and wish I could have gone tonight too. I miss it so much. Wow, this is such a random entry. I suppose my thoughts are jumping around a lot this evening! |
Woop!!!  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Why is jealousy green? Why is it referred to as the ‘green-eyed monster’? Why do people go green with envy? I have no idea! There are two poems in my port about jealousy. The first one I wrote is:
It gets a lot views but hardly any reviews for some reason. I quite like it but I wish I had been more original. My most recent poem on the subject is a little better, I think:
I do like the Whitney form! I’ve had several reviews for this one but would appreciate more! Why am I writing about jealousy? Because I’m finding it hard to deal with mine. How’s that for honesty?! I do think it’s one of the hardest emotions to deal with... and to admit to having... |
Response to "Invalid Entry" by Lorien  ,I didn’t just have a red Thursday; I’ve had a red Friday too. I’ve been in such a bad mood recently and filled with anger these last couple of days. I’m angry that I’m stuck in a town I hate. I’m angry that I can’t go to karate regularly. I’m angry that I don’t have a life and I’m angry that I can’t get motivated to change my situation. I wish I could write something else in response to this final lead entry and I wish I could do it justice but I can’t. So I won’t even try. Sorry. |
Response to "Invalid Item" by Dark Lady  .I get ideas all the time, floods and floods of them crashing like waves on the beach of my mind. It’s always chaotic in my mind. I get so exhausted by it. Most of the ideas get lost though, either because I forget them or write them down in a notebook and then don’t have the courage to take them further. I lack confidence in my writing ability so I’ll often write a great idea down with the intention of returning to it when I’m a better writer and can actually handle it. I’m still not a better writer though, so most of my ideas are still just ideas. I mostly write at night because that’s when I’m un-busy enough to actually pay attention to all the crap crowding in my head. Plus I suffer from insomnia so it gives me something to do other than just lie in bed with all the ideas swirling around pointlessly. Lots of things can spark ideas, for instance mishearing something. I was with Mark and he said something about the Art Gallery which I misheard as the Heart Gallery! It triggered this really cool idea for a story, which I still haven’t written of course. I have even less confidence in my story writing ability than in my poetry writing ability. Another example is mishearing a line in the song “Stay (Faraway, So Close)” by U2. I used to think the line ‘Up with the static’ was ‘I’ll but the sky back’! It gave me yet another great idea for a story that I still haven’t taken anywhere.I love hearing the “story” behind a writer’s piece and finding out why they wrote it and how they got their ideas etc. In fact, I was thinking of starting a forum or something so people could share those “stories”. But I don't know—would people post there? I like talking about the behind-the-scenes stuff of my own writing but I don't know if others would be willing to share their secrets! |
| This is my lead entry for "Follow the Leader" . One of our neighbours owns a ginger cat and he keeps coming into our garden. He doesn’t seem to be put off by our dog, Jade, who has chased him away several times. He’s so cute and reminds me a lot of two cats my family used to own. We got Milton and Sherman when they were kittens. Though from the same litter, they were totally different in appearance and character. Milton’s fur was ginger on his back, and white underneath. It was quite short, sleek and wispy. Sherman was fluffier and ginger all over. He was bigger than Milton, and much more handsome! But they both had beautiful amber coloured eyes. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **  That was Milton! He was incredibly lazy and often had to be “persuaded” to go outside. He liked nothing better than curling up on top of the fridge/freezer or snuggling up in one of the beds. He liked to eat too... a lot!Sherman, on the other hand...  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ... loved adventure. He’d sometimes go off for days at a time, exploring and hunting and doing whatever else cats like to do! He’d often bring home dead things and leave them in the garden for us.  I realise this was a kindness on his part, but still... I really didn’t need to see that dead rat!One time Sherman came home and it was clear he was injured. A trip to the veterinary surgery revealed he’d shattered the tibia in one of his back legs. The vet said that the extent of the damage indicated he’d either fallen out of a tree or been hit by car. Poor Sherman had to have a metal plate put in his leg and we were advised to keep him indoors for over a month, preferably in a cage for the first week or so, to stop him from jumping or running etc. Of course this was tough for Sherman, who craved the outdoors. He let us know how miserable he was by crying almost continually. When he was eventually released from the cage, we still had to keep him indoors, and he would take out his frustration on his brother, chasing poor Milton up the stairs and jumping on top of him! It was amazing how quickly he recovered. Soon he was allowed out again, and both cats were happy once more! They were such characters and so friendly and affectionate! I’ve met many cats as I used to volunteer at the cattery of the local RSPCA, but I’ve never come across another cat as good-natured as Milton or Sherman. They loved being stroked and cuddled and would seek people out to get attention. Unfortunately they both died on Boxing Day in 2007. It was an extremely traumatic day and not one I am ever going to forget. Milton became ill on Christmas Day. He seemed to be having trouble balancing and his eyes became strangely unfocused. He got worse and worse until he couldn’t even hold himself up. The following day, Sherman started to show the same symptoms. We took them both to see the vet who told us they had probably been poisoned, maybe by something like anti-freeze. There was nothing he could do to save them so instead of watching the cats suffer we allowed the vet to give them each an injection to put them to sleep. I will never forget Milton and Sherman. They were pure awesomeness! They were also a part of our family and such a presence in our lives. I still miss them so much.  |
Response to "The Dinosaur in my front yard" by Prosperous Snow celebrating  .I don’t have a dinosaur in my front yard. I don’t even have a front yard. We have a front tiny rectangular patch of grass and patio. I do have a hedgehog in the back garden though. I haven’t seen it tonight but I know it’s there because our dog Jade keeps “asking” to go outside even though she doesn’t actually need to go outside. She’s being a real nuisance actually and won’t settle. I love our garden. It’s beautiful. It’s pretty big and built on three levels. There’s a small patio and then a platform with another patio and then a wall and a raised lawn. You have to climb steps to reach the lawn and there are two lots of steps at either side of the garden. There is quite a lot of shrubbery which attracts all kinds of critters. We have a large lavender bush outside the window which every bee in England seems attracted to. They swarm around it! We don’t mind because they rarely come through the open windows—they just go about their business. I quite like watching them actually! There’s also a small copse at the back of the garden, which technically isn’t ours, but my brother, sister and I used to love playing in there when we were kids, along with the neighbour’s children. We called it “The Den”. We had so many adventures in there in the summer holidays. We were intrepid explorers trekking through the heart of Africa or plane crash survivors stranded on a remote Island. On one memorable occasion we were descendants of Tarzan, living among the treetops! Though I was never very good at climbing trees... I really miss those summers. I wish I could go back to the time when I was happy and carefree. |
| I have no life at the moment. I want to go back to Stoke. I want to see my friends and I’m desperate to get back to karate. I hate this fucking town. I don’t have any friends here. There’s nothing to do. I’m nervous about tomorrow as I have to register at my new doctors’ surgery at 8:15am. Then I have a “worked focused interview” with The Shaw Trust at 11:30am set up for me by the Job Centre. Lucky me! At least I’ll have something to do though. Then the afternoon and evening will be filled with nothingness again. My day for Follow the Leader is coming up and the only subjects I can think to blog about at the moment are: “I hate life” and “I’m miserable.” Bet both of those would go down well! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
Response to "Grow up already!" by spidey  .I can really relate to Spidey’s entry. I’m five feet small and look about twelve so I often have to endure the following: Randomer: How old are you? Me: 22 Randomer: Really? Oh my god you look so young! Thank goodness I have breasts and hips otherwise I probably would be mistaken for a twelve year old! As I’m writing this it just so happens that I’m wearing jeans with ‘Age 12’ written in the label. It’s kind of depressing that I’m short enough to wear jeans made for the average twelve year old. On the other hand it's kind of heartening that I’m slim enough to wear jeans made for the average twelve year old. It’s only recently that I’ve come to terms with my height. It used to bother me... a lot... never enough to wear heels though, which I hate and can’t walk in anyway. It still bothers me sometimes, like when I can’t reach something on the top shelf! But otherwise, I’m okay with it. Really. I think... The other week I got stopped by a teenage lad who asked me to go and get some alcohol for him and his mates from the shop. I was so happy, not at the thought of underage drinking of course, but because he knew I was a grown-up!  Go me! I gave him my best adult superior look, said “no, sorry” and waltzed on by. I was tempted to add “go home and do your homework, little boy” but I managed to restrain myself. That's because I'm mature (). It felt so good to be recognised as an adult though!With everything I’ve had to deal with in the last few months, like finishing my degree and trying to find somewhere else to live for example, I feel as if I have grown up quite a lot. But the fact that I’ve had to move back in with my family makes me feel like I’ve taken a step backwards. I was a child in this house and then I went to University and grew up. Now I’m back here it’s tempting to slip into that old, familiar role and become more dependent on my Mum again. I’m trying so hard not to let it happen but I think the sooner I get out of here the better really.I know I have an awful lot more growing up to do and that living away from home as an adult is going to be different from living away from home as a student but I think I’m ready to try it. I'm pretty scared but I’m also really looking forward to it! |
| Response to "Invalid Entry" by Kay . I dream as much as the next person (probably) but I very rarely remember my dreams. I usually remember what kind of dream it was (scary, weird, boring, fun etc) but I don’t often remember what happened in it. I hate that feeling of a dream trickling out through the crevices of the mind. It’s so frustrating. It’s like trying to keep water in cupped hands! The last dream I can remember was pretty boring. Mark and I had just been to a theme park (in my dream) and got charged as we were leaving for some reason. We were told we’d have to pay £700 each!  Now why would I dream something like that? I have no idea! And I don’t really care to be honest. I don’t believe in dream interpretation. *Shrug*I used to have pretty bad nightmares when I was child. I can remember one where there were these massive, deep holes everywhere and I kept seeing my family and friends falling down them. Then I fell down one and there was all this oil or something at the bottom and I couldn’t get out again. I used to have that dream a lot. I also used to dream that two men broke in and wanted to kidnap me and my cuddly toys! So the toys and I had to pretend to be rocks so they couldn’t find us.  Weird! Both dreams were pretty distressing and for a while I was afraid to go to sleep. Then my Mum told me that when I fell asleep, the horse from a painting on my wall sprang to life and paced up and down my room, protecting me. I felt safe after that. Oh to be a kid again! (And that is how you get caught up in a blogging contest! Woop! ) |
| Response to "Invalid Entry" by Chewie Kittie . I love my blog. It’s mine; my place to haunt whenever I want; my space to say whatever I want. I decided to start blogging when I had writer’s block. I hadn’t written a poem in months and was feeling pretty bad about it. I thought a blog would be perfect as motivation to write—even just any old crap—whenever my poetic soul clammed up. And it works! I seem to be blocked again at the moment when it comes to poetry but at least I have my blog now. I may not be able to channel my feelings into a rhythmic, rhyming masterpiece (  ) but I can unleash them here in a torrent of swear words and whinge-fest adjectives. I’m determined my blog won’t solely be for ranting but I do enjoy the occasional moan when I’m feeling particularly stressed (well, probably more than occasional actually. ) Yeah, I use my blog to get the crazy out. Otherwise the crazy stays inside and I don’t think that’s healthy somehow! I’ve found it useful for talking about my depression and OCD when previously I always kept those parts of myself hidden away. That was a very tough and lonely time in my life. Joining writing.com was all about learning to share my feelings through my poetry and blogging seemed like the next logical step. Seems logical to me anyway! I think a lot of the real me comes out in my blog. I’m not afraid to be my mad, grumpy, irritable, moody self in here whereas offline I’m always desperately trying to rein in those parts of my personality! I think I can release the more outgoing parts of myself here too; whereas out in the real world I’m usually much too shy to be that person. I think that comes out in my excessive use of exclamation marks and emoticons. This reflects the way I talk too as I’m a very expressive person when talking with people I know and feel comfortable around. At times I’ve worried that I’ve revealed way too much of myself on this website because for years before I joined I was an extremely private person. Some of the things I’ve shared in my blog and through my poetry are things I never thought I’d be able to share with anyone. Yeah, I freak out about that occasionally, but most of the time I think the fact that I have become a more open person is a positive thing. |
| Response to "Invalid Entry" by Erika . Basically, I really, really, really want to get caught up on my Follow the Leader entries. It's causing me some anxiety that I’m so behind. Well, I know I’m not that behind anymore when I think about it logically. In fact, when I’ve completed this entry (my third today ) I’ll only be one behind. I’m pretty sure I’ll be all caught up by tomorrow night so why am I still stressing and obsessing over it?Basically, it’s because of my OCD demon. She occupies a dark, dingy corner of my mind—a place I’m too scared to visit to confront her—and screams insults, abuse and ridiculous comments at me pretty much all the time. She gets most vocal whenever it seems things are getting outside of my control. She’ll remind me over and over that I’m not fully in control. She’ll convince me that if I do whatever she tells me to I’ll regain control: things like endlessly washing my hands, or checking I don’t have food caught in my teeth several million times or writing over and over again ‘I need to go now’ (bizarre, I know!) And I fall for it every single time. Then she controls me. Basically it’s a fucking pain and I’m damn sick of it. I wish I could just slice her out of my brain or something. She doesn’t belong there. She isn’t a part of me. But I’m too scared to get rid of her because I have no idea what will happen. I hate her but there is something safe and familiar about her. I think it is better, somehow, to have a well-known and loathed enemy around than to be left totally alone with my thoughts. So basically I’m stuck, and I feel like I’m going to be this way forever and that is a thought scary enough to obsess obsessively over! |
| Response to "Mother Sex Bone" by katwoman45 . Um. Yeah. So I’m finding it hard to follow this lead entry. katwoman45 was so honest and revealed quite a lot about herself and now I’m wondering how honest and revealing should I be? Whilst I think the lead entry was fantastic, I couldn’t really relate to it. Maybe it’s because of my age or things that have happened in my life or the fact that I’m not very experienced when it comes to relationships but the idea of a man dominating me in the bedroom really doesn’t appeal to me.I guess I’m lucky then to have found someone who is attentive and thoughtful and is always concerned about how I’m feeling and what I want etc. We have excellent communication in our relationship so I’m never afraid to tell him what I do and do not want. I trust my partner implicitly which is a must as intimacy is such a big deal for me. And I don’t just mean sex but other kinds of intimacy too. Before I met my boyfriend, even hugging a friend would freak me out! But because of our ability to communicate and the trust we have, I have become much more comfortable with it. We have a very huggy-kissy-snuggly relationship which I never thought would be possible for me but which I now thoroughly enjoy! We also place a lot of emphasis on foreplay which I think is just as important as the actual act itself. And that, I think, is all I’m comfortable saying on this subject. I’ll try not to freak out and delete this entry—at least not before the round has been judged anyway! |
| Response to "Invalid Entry" by Susannah Deschain . I am so jealous of Susannah who will get to see The Killers perform live three times when I haven’t even seen them once. They are one of my favourite bands and the next one I’m hoping to see in concert. I haven’t been to many concerts. The first time I went to one I was sixteen and I’m not saying who I went to see. The second one was a big pop concert with many different acts and it was pretty lame. It was also outside, on a burning hot day and we weren’t allowed to take our own bottles of water. I went to see U2 in Manchester when I was eighteen and it was one of the best nights of my life. They were my absolute favourite band back then and their music helped me through some really tough times, including my parents splitting up, my friends abandoning me and my brother’s death. Therefore I was totally overwhelmed with emotions when they started playing. I’ll never forget that night! I wanted to see them live again this year too, but the date they played at Cardiff (the easiest venue for me to get to) clashed with my karate course and karate won! I’ve also seen David Ford live (but I don’t suppose that qualifies as a concert—it was a very small gig!) That was an amazing night—he was absolutely fantastic (see "Invalid Entry" . The last concert I went to was REM and I went with Mark C ~ 9 years on WDC! . REM are now my favourite band so it goes without saying really that I absolutely loved them live!It’s tempting to make this into an entry about the role and importance of music in my life but I’ve already done that, so instead of repeating myself, I’ll just leave a link. It’s one of my favourite blog entries! "Invalid Entry" |
| Response to "Invalid Entry" by Acme . Acme ’s awesome entry on freedom has left me kind of speechless. Or should that be blogless? I’m in no state of mind to write an entry as profound as the lead so I’ll just take some aspect of it. The subject of the BNP always gets me riled so here are some thoughts on them:They are foul *&%$£*% &*^&*$%£ and their ideas are really &*%$£* up and repulsive. They talk out of their &^%$* pretty much all of the time. They are disgraceful human beings—the %^$£*&^ &^%$£ Phew. I wasn’t going to vote in the European elections in June but then I thought I should to take a stand against the BNP. The fact that they won two seats makes me feel ashamed to be British. I used to think that they shouldn’t be allowed to spout their hatred—that they should be banned or something! Then I remembered that I believe in freedom of speech. Yeah their views are disgusting but repressing them is just giving them attention and an importance they really don’t deserve.That’s what I think anyway. *Sigh* my piddling little entry withers and dies next to the glorious bloom of the lead! |
| Response to "Invalid Entry" by c.t.moon. People-watching is one of my favourite pastimes. I’d much rather sit somewhere observing others than actually engaging with them! It makes me feel kind of peaceful for some reason. I don’t really try to guess their lives or imagine myself in their shoes; I just watch. I take interest in what they’re wearing, watch the way they walk, listen to how they talk to others etc. I think it’s fascinating! I like to eavesdrop on people’s conversations too. That’s even more fascinating! I recently overheard a woman and her teenage daughter discussing the ridiculous fashion trend where teenage boys and young men insist on letting their trousers sag beneath their arses, exposing their underwear. The mother was telling the girl that this trend arose because prisoners are not allowed to wear belts and therefore trousers often surrender to gravity’s will! She didn’t speculate why such a fashion crisis would crossover into everyday life and become a fad but the discussion was interesting anyway. I don’t know if it’s true though! Sometimes when listening in on other’s conversations they (or at least one of them) become aware that they have an audience. This happened the other day when I was in a queue at the train station. There were four students in front of me, obviously friends and obviously excited about wherever they were going. One of the girls noticed that I was watching them and listening in. I wasn’t staring at them or anything. I just tuned into their conversation every now and then as the queue was taking forever to go down and I was bored. She didn’t seem to mind. Bizarrely, she seemed to enjoy it. She raised her voice slightly and started speaking even more boisterously than before. Every now and then she would look at me and quickly look away. I found it amusing! Perhaps she was a lesbian. Or perhaps she thought I was. I don’t think she thought I was just some nosy weirdo. She seemed to want to keep my attention. Most likely I think she was just flattered that someone was taking an interest in what she was saying. I think people like to be overheard by strangers, especially when they think they are being clever, funny or making an important point. If you go to the theatre to watch a play or ballet or something, I can almost guarantee that in the interval someone will be talking to their friend, partner, whoever in a slightly louder than necessary voice about their views on the show. Then they’ll take a quick glance around to see if anyone in the vicinity has noticed how clever they are. I go to the theatre a lot and it almost always happens. I suppose it’s natural to want other’s to notice you when you think you are at your best. All humans want to be liked and I think most of us care about what others think of us (even strangers) more than we’d perhaps like to admit! Interesting subject and there is lots more to say but my mind is kind of scattered at the moment and I’ve lost my train of thought. I’ll probably come back to this another time. Maybe I’ll add more to this entry before the round closes if I get time. |
| The move didn’t work out so I’m back at my Mum’s. I’m feeling quite traumatised by the whole thing and very, very shitty about it. I suppose one good thing is that I still have internet access and will therefore be able to keep taking part in FtL. I might try and catch up on a few entries now. |
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I enjoyed this expression.