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 |  My first blog! |
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A Haunted Place  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Who Am I? Ghoulish and dark, serious and intense Okay, I may have exaggerated a little bit! I'm not that gloomy and miserable. I do know how to have fun and I love to laugh. This is my first blog and I've set it up to help motivate myself to write every day... well, almost every day... well, more often than I write now.  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I'm docked at "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond"  , a safe port for bloggers to connect. |
| I am so fucking stressed. I feel like my head is about to explode and I’m going to have a heart attack. #~@*@@%%*###*&&*$£#*& &*’%!!!! £#*&(&*’%!!!! @@%%@###* breathe, breathe ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
Following "It’s a Dangerous and Powerful Universe" by Prosperous Snow celebrating  . (What follows may come across as sarcastic, and it is, but I did actually find the lead entry fascinating and well-written). A long time ago in a galaxy far, far way... or perhaps in a galaxy closer to home... or perhaps in a time before galaxies existed, a host of rogue black holes were born. They circumnavigated the universe, just waiting; waiting to swallow innocent souls, wanting to pull them apart, cell-by-cell or element-by-element or whatever-by-whatever (because we don’t really know what souls are made of). Maybe if all these afflicted people got together and pooled the black holes where their souls used to be it would create one giant black hole. And maybe, just maybe, this would create enough energy to make sure we can continue running our little world, so more and more people can succumb to the Black Hole disease, and we can get even more energy for... well I don’t know what for. But if only we could find a way to harness it. Then again, I don’t know. It’s just a theory. And that’s the best I can come up with whilst I’m in the middle of an intense period of the Black Hole disease, also known as depression.  |
| Urgh! I’m sooooooo depressed. It’s almost 2:30AM here and I have to get up early. I have a long day of crap ahead of me. It’s too late to watch Dodgeball, which is what I usually do when I’m feeling as shitty as this, so I’m listening to corny music instead. Stuff like Twist and Shout by The Beatles and December 1963 (Oh What A Night) by The Four Seasons. I found a really funny cover of Take That’s Back For Good by David Ford. I’m not into Take That’s music at all, but I do love David Ford! The guys in Take That seem like great people though. So I love them too. Okay. I’ve just reached a new low. I’m listening to Phil Collin’s version of You Can’t Hurry Love. I’m sorry! But I’m such an emotional wreck that I even love Phil Collins tonight.  (Edited to add link to David Ford clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bJhu-XMguD4&feature=related) |
So, this is my first ever Follow the Leader entry, following: "Invalid Entry" by Satuawany  . And I’m so nervous I’m not sure I even took in and understood all of the lead entry. I may have to re-read it. I think it’s about names. I strongly suspect there was some clever, deep meaning. But I’m just going with names at their most basic level!I’ve never given much thought to names. I don’t usually struggle to remember other people’s names but I sometimes have trouble with my own! This may be because I have different names depending on where I am and who I’m with. For instance, when I first joined as a member here, I was only known as Ghostranch. At first, I wasn’t comfortable with anyone knowing my real name. My real name is Jessica, but only my family, acquaintances from my home town and “official” type people call me that. In the past and in different ‘situations’, I have been known as Jake, Sharky, Ghostshark, Ghostdream and SteelEyedVampire. (Don’t ask!) But all my friends call me Jess. Things began to get confusing and I started worrying that I might accidentally sign ‘Ghostranch’ in an email to a University lecturer or tutor. So I decided that I would now go by ‘Jess’ on WDC as well. Whilst I haven’t changed my handle (obviously), I sign my emails and reviews here with ‘Jess’. I like my handle too much to change it but it has lead to some confusion. Seems ‘Ghostranch’ is pretty masculine and I have been mistaken for a guy four times. Well, those are just the times I know about! I tend to have more trouble with faces than names. I used to work in a clothes shop and sometimes people would ask me to look for something in a different size in the stockroom. So off I’d go and when I returned, could I remember who had asked me to look? No! I’d have to go up to random people and ask stuff like ‘were you the person who wanted the skirt in size 10?’ It was pretty embarrassing. It would have been much easier if they’d told me their names, then I could have come back from the stockroom and just shouted ‘JANE?!’ (Or whoever). Well that’s all I can think of to say on names. This following thing isn’t as difficult as I thought it would be. Don’t know why I got so nervous! |
| I am feeling extremely sorry for myself today. All I want to do is graduate but it feels like everything is working against me. Firstly my Grandad died a month before my big project was due in, then I’ve had a health problem to contend with, which is still going on now and the doctors can’t seem to do anything about it. Plus there’s a bunch of other crap that I can’t be bothered to go in to. I’ve been fighting with every ounce of strength and determination I possess but now I’m just exhausted. I don’t want to do it anymore. I’ve got so much reviewing to do on WDC. I’ve had several people email me to request reviews and I can think of two people that I still need to get back to. But I have a feeling I’ve missed someone. So I’m so sorry if I have. You may have to remind me again. Not that you’re reading this! Hardly anyone does! I’ve got my contest reviews to do too and about a million return reviews. I’m finding it hard to keep up with my emails too, so if you’ve emailed me and I don’t get back to you straight away, even if I’m online, please don’t think I’m being rude or ignoring you. I will get back to you. |
This is just going to be a quick entry to shamelessly plug my new story. It’s for the "100 Words Contest" . I’m very new to story writing (this is my third ever attempt) so I’m a little nervous about sharing it! Please let me know if you catch any repeated words!
I noticed there are now enough participants for "Follow the Leader" so I guess that will be starting up soon.  I have been very busy today and am totally exhausted. My brain seems to have stopped working, which is why I’m keeping this short. I just hope it makes sense! |
| I went into town today and decided visit the local Art gallery. They have a contemporary urban art exhibition on at the moment, which I went to see twice when Mark visited. But I was eager to go again! It’s quite exciting for me because they have an original Banksy, and I’m a big fan! Banksy is pretty well-known I think, but just in case you haven’t heard of him, he’s either a talented street-artist who usually has something interesting to say through his work or a mindless vandal who repeatedly breaks the law. It kind of depends on who you talk to! Anyway, they have a couple of pieces by the artist Candice Tripp that I have fallen in love with! One is called ‘Ed and Viv’s Very Slow Adventure’. It’s quite hard to describe so I won’t bother! (You can find it here: http://www.candicetripp.com/shop/prints/ed_and_viv_brown.html). I don’t know why I love it so much. I haven’t figured out the meaning. I don’t even know if it has one! It’s just... fun. The other piece consists of a very long-legged figure in mid-stride. Their upper body is shadowy and blurred so you can’t see who they are. They’re wearing red and white pinstriped trousers and splendid pointy-toed shoes. Tumbling through the air, just in front of the figure, is a little girl. And the name of the piece? Drop Kick.   I love it! It’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen! (If my description isn't good enough and you want to see it for yourself look here! http://www.lazinc.com/artists/candice-tripp/original-art/1025/) After I’d finished at the art gallery I went shopping. I wanted to buy a brown cardigan. I didn’t think this would be too difficult but it was. I don’t think brown cardigans exist. I settled for beige instead. I saw the weirdest thing when I was out. These pigeons were on the road, just kind of milling around and a car came along. But the pigeons didn’t move! They just weren’t afraid. It seems to me that pigeons (aka ‘the winged rat’) are becoming more and more of a problem. I always see loads swarming around in the town centre. I hate walking past them because they frequently explode up into the air, narrowly missing my head. Also, they’re so fat now they can’t fly very high. Quite often I see them nearly collide with people. I find them kind of scary actually. They’re taking over! |
| I’ve worked on my project pretty much all day but I haven’t really made a lot progress. Oh well. At least I made some progress. But I found out my project supervisor isn’t going to be around next week and the damn thing is due in next Thursday! What am I supposed to do if I get stuck??? The idea of a supervisor is they provide support and guidance. Yeah, that’s really working out... not! Karate was so much fun tonight. I felt like I was dying at the end of the session (that’s a good thing). It was fast and furious with fists flying everywhere. I worked hard at keeping my postures low, which is why I’m aching a lot now! So... I’m mentally tired from all the hard work on my assignment, and physically tired from karate... maybe I’ll actually be able to get to sleep tonight! Wow, just realised, I've blogged every day for two weeks! |
| ...three to go! So I just have two assignments and a VIVA (oral exam) standing between me and graduation. I need to focus on my project now, which is the most important thing, and I’ll be able to breathe again once it’s finished and handed in! The exam seemed to go okay this morning, but I never can tell really. I am just so relieved that it’s over. I decided to go back to bed when I got home from my exam as I only got about 2 hours sleep last night. I set my alarm for 2:15pm but I must have slept through it because I didn’t wake up until 4:15pm.  I’m so annoyed because now I won’t be able to sleep tonight. I guess I needed it though! I’ve finished reading The Five People You Meet in Heaven, by Mitch Albom. I liked it, but I didn’t love it exactly. Well, I think it’s that I love the idea but don’t think the execution was entirely successful. I felt this way about The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold too. I don’t know, perhaps books about heaven just don’t really capture my imagination! Anyway, I felt many of the characters in Albom’s book were a bit... flat. The first three people the main character met in heaven were too similar in my opinion and I didn’t believe they were real. I had to keep looking back to remind myself of who they were, which is never a good sign! I thought the chapter about the fifth person he met in heaven was wonderful, but the ending didn’t quite have the impact I was hoping for. But never mind, it was enjoyable and there were some beautiful descriptions. I’m glad I read it, and I would happily read other books by this author. I think I’m going to start High Fidelity by Nick Hornby tomorrow. I might watch a film tonight, either Catch me if you can or Toy Story 2. I bought them both the other week but haven’t had time to watch them yet! Urgh, I’m tired. I don’t know why when I’ve had so much sleep. |
| Yay! It has rained a lot today! The sky is grey! The air is chilly! I know that rain, gloomy skies and the cold tend to dampen most people’s spirits, but not mine. Nope. I love the rain. I must have a wintry soul are something because I do not cope very well in warm weather. I enjoyed the brightness of spring for about three days but then I started to crave the tears of a moody sky. The weather recently has been more June-like than April-like and the days, for me, have been unbearably bright and warm. I have a poem that captures my feelings. I wrote it last June, but this is how I’ve been feeling this month too! As summer stretches on, the lazy days Are filled with nothingness. Sun’s searing light Invades my soul and leaves me craving night. No longer can I stand the piercing rays, Or tolerate the shimmer of heat’s haze. Adrift in blue, the fluffy clouds of white Infuse my mind—imprint upon my sight. Exhausted, I collapse in June’s harsh blaze. Then British skies release refreshing rain: Reducing warmth, diluting sun’s bright glare. At once I am relieved from summer strain, And with it lifts my heat induced despair. Though others look upon it with disdain, I’m glad that rain in Britain isn’t rare! "Invalid Item" [] by A Guest Visitor Yep! The rain! I love being inside when it’s pouring down, listening to it beat against my windowpane and watching droplets dance down the road. But I love being out in it too, splashing through the puddles, feeling the water soak through my clothes. As long as my feet and head stay relatively dry, I’m perfectly happy going for walks in the rain. Am I weird? I have done a fair amount of revision today. I’m pretty nervous about the exam, but this time tomorrow it will be over. I’m just off to do a little more revising. I’m looking forward to relieving some of my stress at karate tonight! |
| I don’t really have much to say tonight seeing as I haven’t done a whole lot! Mostly I have just revised for my exam, which has given me a headache. I find revising pretty difficult because I have a very short concentration span. Usually I’ll make posters, with lots of pictures and bright colours, in an attempt to keep myself interested, but the topic I’ve been trying to tackle tonight is too boring and complex. Yeah, I really don’t care about Population Viability Analysis. I’m feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment, so am taking a much needed break. I have all of tomorrow to revise as well, so even if I don’t attempt anymore revision tonight, there’s no need to panic. That’s what I keep telling myself anyway! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
I finished my reviews for the "Invalid Item" contest earlier and made a start on my Simply Positive reviews. I want to finish those and then I have a couple to send to people who emailed me and asked me to read their items.  It would be nice to complete the Simply Positive Newbie reviews too, but I’ll see how it goes!I have been a member for nearly a year and a half now and still find reviewing extremely difficult. I persevere with it though. I think it’s a good way to get feedback for my own writing as some people like to return the favour when they’ve received a review. I’ve found this doesn’t happen quite as often as when I first joined, but it still happens. I’d almost always send a review to someone who had sent me one but unfortunately I couldn’t keep that up. I really should make more of an effort. I’ve also realised that reviewing is an extremely valuable writing tool. It has helped me look critically at other people’s writing and that, in turn, has helped me look at my own writing critically. I have found being a member of the Simply Positive group really helps me to keep at the reviewing! I need the encouragement (and the incentives are nice!) I like that the group presents a wide range of items to read and comment on too. If “left to my own devices”, I always choose to comment on poetry. But joining the Simply Positive group has forced me to review outside my comfort zone! Today has been quite boring. I sent my Mum a birthday card but missed the collection. She probably won’t get it until the day after her birthday now. I’m such a wonderful daughter! I’ve been revising for an exam on Conservation Biology and actually made quite a bit of progress tonight! The exam is on Tuesday. I’m nervous but really looking forward to getting it out the way! I watched Britain’s Got Talent tonight. I loved the dance group, Diversity. They were... wow! I want to thank Mark C ~ 9 years on WDC!  , runningwolf04 and sbutke for the lovely comments they left for my last entry. I really appreciate the kind words. Anyway, I might make a start on those reviews now... |
| If my brother was still alive, he would have celebrated his 33rd birthday this month. But I can’t actually remember which day. How awful is that? I thought it was today, but now I’m not so sure. I wish I could say I miss him, but if I did say that, I think I’d be lying. Can you miss someone you didn’t really know? I’m not sure. I miss what could and should have been. I don’t have many memories of him, and time is eroding the few that I have. It breaks my heart. I didn’t realise that I loved him until he was gone and I learned then that feeling indifferent about a person is worse than hating them. I don’t know if that makes sense, but it’s true! In the first year or so after his death I was overwhelmed with guilt. It wasn’t that I felt like I could have done something to prevent it. I knew there was nothing I could have done. A heroin addict lives their life in self-destruct mode. But I felt guilty that I hadn’t gotten to know him. It was hard—he was eleven years older than me and we had different mothers. We didn’t grow up together. But then he moved in with us when I was eight and lived with us for six months. When he moved out, he stayed local. As I grew older, I could have taken more of an interest in his life. I could have worked to strengthen our relationship. But I didn’t. I wrote in one of my poems: If only I’d taken the time to know you, Guilt wouldn’t be so rife, And I wouldn’t have to use faded colours To paint a picture of your life. Sometimes I feel like I deserve to live with this guilt. More recently I have been feeling angry at him. I want to scream WHY DID YOU DIE? I wonder how he could have let his demons get the better of him when he had two young daughters to love and take care of. I hate him for leaving them. I hate that he thought he needed that poison to live, and that’s what killed him. I’m mad at him because he was so weak, and he didn’t fight, and he didn’t live. I get scared at how angry I feel sometimes. I try to cling onto my memories. I still have the necklace he gave me one Christmas. Maybe the first Christmas we spent together. It says ‘Special Sister’ on the charm. I can’t remember exactly what he said when he gave it to me, but the gist of it was although you’re technically my half-sister, I consider you a ‘whole’ sister. It meant the world to me then and still does now. That’s the reason why I never refer to him as my half-brother. He’ll always be my brother. |
| I finally finished reading The Line of Beauty by Alan Hollinghurst. It was... WOW! I would definitely recommend it. It’s quite slow, but not in a bad way. I don’t know if that makes sense! I think I mean it’s a book to savour and reflect on, rather than one to race through. The characters are complex and real. The writing is incredible—really original. There were so many moments where I thought ooooh, I wish I’d written that! I was going to read Crash by JG Ballard next, but after reading the first chapter, I don’t think this is the right time for me to tackle it! It is pretty disturbing. I think it could be interesting but I’ll put off reading it until I’m a little less stressed! I think I am going to read the five people you meet in heaven by Mitch Albom instead, which Mark has kindly let me borrow. Then I’m going to read High Fidelity by Nick Hornby, which my friend has loaned me. After that? I don’t know yet! Today was pretty stressful. I almost always have what I refer to as a ‘blah day’ after a tough night, and in some ways, blah days are even worse than the intensely emotional and distressing nights. Everything becomes blocked and I can’t work out my feelings, and I always end up getting a headache. Not fun! |
at 3am when the hours stretch out as far as the mind can think I hear the swirl of the universe and believe I’ll be awake and alone forever. |
Recently, I haven’t just felt weighed down by all the crap going on in my own life, but have felt weighed down by the crap going on in other people’s lives too. My flatmate has been ill for a while, and is having a pretty difficult time of things at the moment, and I feel so bad for her that it almost feels like I’m going through the same thing. Then tonight, when I was walking to karate, I saw/heard a boy crying (he was with his family). He seemed pretty distressed and now I can’t stop thinking about him. I’m wondering if he’s okay and wishing I’d helped him. And my sister is struggling with depression at the moment and my heart is breaking for her. I actually feel physical pain when I think about what she’s going through. The thing is, I see people struggling all the time and I want to help them, but I just can’t and I feel so... powerless. But how can I help other people when my own life is so fucked up?  The appointment this morning was gruelling and not something I want to have to go through again. I’m relieved it’s over and I’m just trying to put it behind me now. On a more cheerful note, karate was good tonight. In fact, it was brilliant. I feel like I learned a lot and have taken a step forward. I worked so hard in kata, and feel that my technique is improving. In kumite (sparring), I caught my partner out a few times, which was fun. And when I didn’t catch him out, I understood why! I love sessions like that, when I come out tired, knowing I’ve worked hard, and feeling like I’ve achieved something. |
| So this is my 13th blog entry! I’ve been trying to keep busy today to stop myself from dwelling on what I have to face tomorrow morning. It’s going to be tough. Medical appointments are never fun of course, but when you have a fear of doctors... Yeah, need to stop thinking about this now...I watched American Beauty earlier, which is one of my favourite films. I’ve even written a poem about one of the scenes!
It’s weird because this poem gets a lot of views but I’ve had very little feedback for it. I wonder why! So if you read it, please let me know what you think of it! I don’t think it is one of my best but I do like the idea. I think the sixth and eighth lines in particular could use some work. Maybe I’ll rewrite it sometime. But I have so many items in my port set to private, just waiting to be rewritten. I’m so lazy... and impatient! (Can you be both?!) I always want to move on to the next thing! |
| I was saddened to learn that the author, JG Ballard has died. I’m fairly new to his writing, but I already consider myself a fan. I loved Empire of the Sun, which I plan on re-reading sometime. I really enjoyed Cocaine Nights, too. Kingdom Come was... er... how can I put this?! One of the worst books I’ve ever read! But it hasn’t put me off, and Crash, which is probably Ballard’s most infamous novel, happens to be next on my to-read list. I just have to finish The Line of Beauty by Alan Hollinghurst first. It is taking me forever (my concentration is pretty bad at the moment) but I am thoroughly enjoying it. Today has been good and bad! I didn’t do any study. I’m so wound up about what I have to face on Wednesday that I just can’t seem to get much else done. I’m hoping that once the ordeal is over I’ll be able focus on my work. I went to karate tonight. I’ve missed a couple of sessions because of going home for Easter, but I don’t ache nearly as much as I thought I would! It was a good practice and I had fun. My friends were there, which was nice as I haven’t seen them for a couple of months. We went to the pub after training to catch up.I should probably go and start my contest reviews now... NAH!!! I’m feeling kind of lazy... |
| I’ve done lots of walking today. I have a medical appointment on Wednesday (soooooo scared ) in a place I haven’t been to before, so I decided to walk down that way to find where I need to go. It was nice walking through a part of the city I haven’t seen before (and a little nerve-wracking—I’m very good at getting lost!) There were lots of steep winding roads, quaint houses, a beautiful park and a lovely view of the surrounding countryside. It’s much pleasanter than the area I live in, where the pavements are speckled with chewing gum, spit and dog mess, and the roads are a river of litter! I went past a street called Tolkien Way, which I thought was a pretty cool name. I didn’t see any hobbits though! () I hadn’t been home long when a curious odour wafted into my room. I went to investigate and found the kitchen filled with smoke. My flatmate had left a pan on the hob. Yep, it’s official, charred prunes smell disgusting. I’m slightly annoyed seeing as this is the third time she’s left the oven on and fragranced the flat with acrid smoke. I’ve been on writing.com quite a lot today, taking part in "Invalid Item" . I don’t have a chance of winning ‘most reviews’ as I’m not one of those people who can rack up twenty reviews in one session. I can do three or four before I need to take a break. I’ve managed seven so far, which I guess it pretty pitiful! Hopefully I’ll be able to do a few more before the deadline.I got an awardicon today:
It’s for my contest win, which I blogged about on the 17th. I didn’t get it straight away because I had to choose between a merit badge and an awardicon. I chose an awardicon because I haven’t had one in quite a while. I was allowed to choose the colour too! |
| I’ve been listening to Easyworld a lot today. For anyone who doesn’t know, they were a British Indie/alternative rock band. They released three incredible albums but sadly split up in 2004. I was devastated! Especially as I never got to see them live. The lead vocalist, David Ford, is now pursuing a solo career and I got to see him live in October 2007. He’s a strange man—he scowled pretty much all night!—but he’s also amazingly talented. One of the highlights of the night was when he ‘constructed’ a song (State of the Union) on stage. I know that sounds a little weird so I’ll try and explain! There are twelve instruments (I think) used in the song and David played each one in turn, using a looping machine to play them back. He built up the song like this as he delivered a stunning vocal performance. It was truly electrifying. The official video for the song can be seen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zY8ni5kPp-E Now imagine seeing/hearing that live! It’s an experience I’ll never forget. Ah, nostalgia! As for today, it hasn’t been too bad. I got 45 minutes of study done, which is a big deal for me at the moment. I didn’t make much progress, but a tiny bit of progress is better than no progress! I watched Britain’s Got Talent, which is always good for a laugh. I’m not ashamed to admit that it is my favourite television show! I haven’t done much on WDC tonight. I have so much reviewing to do but I can’t face that at the moment. I think I’ll tackle those on Monday. I found out today that I’ve been nominated for "Invalid Item" , so that’s nice! I hope to take part in that tomorrow if I’m feeling up to it. |
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I enjoyed this expression.