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 |  My first blog! |
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A Haunted Place  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Who Am I? Ghoulish and dark, serious and intense Okay, I may have exaggerated a little bit! I'm not that gloomy and miserable. I do know how to have fun and I love to laugh. This is my first blog and I've set it up to help motivate myself to write every day... well, almost every day... well, more often than I write now.  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I'm docked at "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond"  , a safe port for bloggers to connect. |
I’m pretty down tonight for several reasons:  1. I tried to get some work done on my project earlier but wasn’t very successful. I’m freaking out about my studies. Everything is coming up so fast and I just can’t handle it at the moment. I’m so close to the finishing line but I’m too exhausted for that one final push. Failing isn’t an option. I feel so stuck. 2. I’m worried I’ve upset someone and I’m not really sure how to deal with that. Do I contact them? Or wait for them to talk to me? I don’t know. 3. I have toothache, which has given me a headache. 4. I have to face one of my biggest fears on Wednesday and just thinking about it tonight has triggered ‘flashbacks’ and a mini panic attack. Don’t know how I’m going to get through it.5. I’m back at Uni again and feeling pretty lonely. I do love it here, but I always find it hard adjusting to being alone again after spending time at home or in Cardiff with Mark. 6. Commenting on other people’s blogs is stressful! I’m shy so it’s hard for me to send comments to people I don’t know. My OCD makes it hard to actually submit a comment as I have to check it about a thousand times first. And my low self-esteem makes me totally paranoid that people are going to be thinking: why on Earth is this weirdo talking to me? But I’m trying to get involved. I don’t want to give up so easily!I think that’s everything I want to moan about! One good thing happened today. I entered my poem, "Invalid Item" , in a contest and logged on tonight to find that it placed first. Go me!  |
| Wow, I’ve been neglecting my blog. I haven’t haunted this place for over a week! But I have been kind of distracted… Mark came to visit over Easter, which was great, and we spent a lot of time with my sister and her boyfriend. We went on a shopping trip in Oxford with them, had a couple of meals out, watched films and just hung out. The week was wonderful but flew by way too fast. Mark went back home this morning and I’m already missing him lots. I’m counting down the days to the next visit! I tried to keep busy today after waving Mark off at the station. I went to get my hair cut. I’m not entirely satisfied with the end result but I’m sure it will grow on me… or do I mean grow out?!  I also went into town with my Mum and sister and bought some jeans and sandals. I’m not sure about the jeans now though—they’re soooooo tight! Despite just spending a week with someone who makes me feel beautiful and sexy, I still have major issues with my body. I’m tired of looking in the mirror and hating what I see.So… it’s nearly 3AM here and I have to get up earlyish tomorrow. I’m going back to University. I have a tough few weeks ahead of me and my stomach turns somersaults every time I think about all the stuff I have to face. Well actually it’s performing a complete floor gymnastics routine at the moment! But I just have to hang in a little longer. I am not giving up with just two assignments and two exams left. I will graduate. (I will, I will, I will). And on that note… I’m out of here! |
| I have just been reading through the items in my port and now I’m worrying that some of the poems I have posted on this site are too revealing. I have always used writing as a way to release my feelings, so of course it follows that I write about personal and painful things. One of the main reasons I joined this website was to practice sharing my feelings. I didn't feel able to talk to anyone face-to-face, so sharing through my poetry seemed like a great idea. But have I revealed too much of my soul? I’m not going to do anything drastic, like delete anything from my port, but I might put some things on private over the next few days. Then again, I don’t know! Part of me feels relieved and almost proud that I actually have been able to share these things. I’m confused! |
I received a merit badge and gift points the other day for being one of the Images in Ink top dog reviewers.  I have decided to use some of the gps to surprise my lovely boyfriend Mark with an awardicon for this stunning poem:
Please check it out (or anything in his port for that matter). He is a very talented writer. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I don’t know how coherent this is going to be as it is about 4am here. I can’t sleep and I am pretty ill. I have also been getting quite emotional, thinking about my grandparents, and I just want to get some thoughts down about them. Maybe then I’ll be able to sleep! My Nanny and Grandad were two of the nicest people on the planet. They got married when Nanny was sixteen and Grandad was eighteen and had three children together. They were both such characters in different ways! Nanny was the more dominant one. She was bright and outgoing and the sort of person who’d always ‘tell it to you straight’. Grandad was much quieter and had the sweetest, gentlest soul of anyone I have ever met. Nanny would constantly tease and bully him but it was clear to everyone they were utterly devoted to each other. In 2007 my Grandad’s physical and mental health began to deteriorate and he was admitted to hospital. For the first time in my life, my grandparents were apart. It was almost too unbearable to think about. They were meant to be together—it didn’t make sense for them to be apart! The stress of seeing her beloved husband suffer was too much for my Nanny and she died of a heart attack in February 2008. They had been married for 65 years. Everyone thought it wouldn’t be long before my Grandad died too. But he was a stubborn man! For a year we watched him fading, until he died peacefully last month, with his children by his side. It’s now a family ‘joke’ that he stubbornly fought for a year of peace before going up to heaven to receive an ear-bashing from Nanny! Sometimes I wish I believed in heaven but I just don’t. It would be a great comfort to believe that they are together again, watching over us. Instead I find comfort in my memories of them, and I have many. I’ll never forget Nanny’s mischievous laugh and quick humour, or Grandad’s kind, generous spirit. Mostly I’ll just remember how totally in love they were. They were soul mates. |
| I have OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) and it has even invaded my 'life' on WDC. Sometimes it utterly frustrates me but at other times I can see the funny side. For a long time my OCD made reviewing very difficult. I would read my reviews through over and over before submitting them, trying to make sure I hadn't made a mistake. I'd have to check multiple times that I'd spelled the writer's name correctly, spelled their characters' names correctly, spelled my own name correctly and it would go on and on and on...! It got to the point where I was ready to throw my laptop through the window in frustration each time I tried to send a review. So I set about trying to deal with this particular ritual but I didn't quite succeed. Whilst I don't always have to spend so long on each review now, I have merely replaced the 'checking' ritual with a different one. I'm not going to say what it is because it is totally illogical and embarrassing!  But at least it helps me submit my reviews at a faster pace. Well most of the time. I revert to the old check-a-thousand-times method when I am feeling particularly stressed.I think my obsessive-compulsive behaviour offline is really starting to get out of control. I have been washing my hands way too much recently, to the point where they are cracked and bleeding and hurt a lot. I have developed a new ridiculous ritual too. I now feel compelled, after eating, to check that I don't have any food caught in my teeth or on my face. I carry a little pocket mirror around with me. This one is really getting to me and it's embarrassing when I have to do it in public. I am determined not to turn this blog purely into a place to vent but I am going to allow myself the occasional moan! |
I’ve signed up to take part in "Follow the Leader" . As I’m so new to blogging, I need all the help I can get! It looks fun but I’m terrified. Thankfully Mark C ~ 9 years on WDC!  has signed up too so we’ll be able to encourage and motivate each other! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| For the past three or four months, writing poetry has been a real chore. Trying to coax words from my imagination and onto the page has been like trying to coax a flock of sheep into a dog pound. I set up this blog to encourage myself to write—even if it is just any old drivel—through the dry seasons of my poetry writing ‘career.’ The amusing thing is I actually got so scared of having to write this first entry that my muse leapt right back to life! An avalanche of words tumbled from my mind and some of them even fitted together to make sense. At least I hope they did! In the last two days I have written two poems and one short story and it feels great! The two poems are public in my port. I have not been brave enough to share my story yet as it is only my second ever attempt at writing one.This first poem was inspired by a picture prompt for a contest though you probably wouldn’t believe it if you saw the picture. For that reason I do not think I’ll be entering the contest. The form is new to me and I really enjoyed writing in it. I’m not entirely happy with this poem—line four in particular is bothering me. I‘ve used a ‘filler’ word in this line and I feel terrible about it. When I read the poem through that word lingers like a bad smell, and I really need to get rid of it. I just don’t know how!
I am much more pleased with this poem:
I like the flow. I like the sound of the words together. It is quite a big deal for me that I am able to say I like one of my poems—my confidence in my writing ability has been very low recently. But it feels like I’m getting back into it and I’m rediscovering the joy and release writing can give. I hope this positive and creative attitude lasts! Woot! My first ever blog entry is complete!  |
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