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 |  My first blog! |
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A Haunted Place  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Who Am I? Ghoulish and dark, serious and intense Okay, I may have exaggerated a little bit! I'm not that gloomy and miserable. I do know how to have fun and I love to laugh. This is my first blog and I've set it up to help motivate myself to write every day... well, almost every day... well, more often than I write now.  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I'm docked at "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond"  , a safe port for bloggers to connect. |
| I should not be reading a book about infertility and miscarriages. Not when those are two of my biggest fears. Not when I have a tendency to obsess and fret about things. And the character is called Jessica, like me. But I am reading it. And it’s crap. And it’s also absolutely terrifying me. Yet I can’t stop reading it. I don’t know if it’s the book or lack of sleep or what but a massive wave of depression has suddenly swept over me and now I’m drowning. I think it’s probably just that I turn twenty-four at the end of this month and I don’t have a job, and I’ve never really had a proper job, and I’ve had to move back into my childhood home, and I have no life. I just feel so useless all the time. Everything is wrong. I’m not supposed to be like this. But I don’t know how to make things right and I don’t know how I’m supposed to be. |
I haven’t blogged in a while so it’s kind of dusty in here! I just haven’t felt like blogging really. Christmas was good and I loved spending it with Mark again. I’m sad he has gone home now though.  I’ve finally watched all the series of Sex and the City and have to say I was a bit disappointed by the last episode and how it all turns out. These are the messages they seem to give out: (don’t read if you haven’t watched the series and don’t want to know what happens!)  Don’t be with someone who is passionate about their work Leave someone because for once in your life everything isn’t all about you Give up on something after only trying it for a couple of weeks Make sure you always keep everything in your life the same Get together with the man who has treated you like crap for years Yeah, great. Never mind. I thought the rest of the series was brilliant. We’re going to watch the films soon. I’ve seen the first one but not the second one yet. I’m kind of curious about it though not expecting much! I’m sure it’ll be fun anyway! I did my first Simply Positive review in ages earlier. I’ve had a bit of a break since I finished judging the contest but want to get back to it again. I’ve also signed up to the "Poetic Exploration" group so should be getting back into poetry writing. The first form is an acrostic, which has to be my least favourite poetry form. At least I’ll be able to get it out the way early! I’ve already written one but I’m not entirely happy with it so haven’t put it in my port yet. I’ve got a few days to work on it though or come up with something else. Wish me luck! |
| Yesterday I watched a programme about dyslexia. It was presented by an actress who was diagnosed with dyslexia at an early age. In the programme she underwent several different tests and also spoke to other people with the condition. It was a really interesting and emotionally stirring programme and it really struck a chord with me. I don’t have dyslexia. All through school my reading level was well above the average for my age and I excelled at English. But maths was another story. I remember when I was fifteen years old being sat at a computer in the school library and typing the words “maths dyslexia” into a search engine, silently praying that such a condition exists. And it does! It’s called dyscalculia and there is very little information on it. What I have learned about it though really seems to fit in with my experiences. Symptoms of dyscalculia can include: Difficulties with addition, subtraction, multiplication and division  Poor mental arithmetic skills Difficulties remembering or conceptualising mathematical formulae etc Difficulty with conceptualising time and judging the passing of time Difficulties with anything to do with money, such as counting it, working out change, budgeting, estimating the cost of items in a shopping basket etc Poor sense of direction and difficulties reading mapsThere are more but these are the ones that particularly resonate with me and I’m convinced that I do have this condition to some extent. I was aware from a very early age that I wasn’t good at maths. Numbers just didn’t make sense to me. I remember realising at six years old that although I was in the top group for English, I wasn’t for maths. (I think it’s terrible that a child of such a young age should be aware of this “streaming” by ability but I’ll save that for another time!) For a child as anxious to do well as I was, this was a major blow to my self-esteem. I was embarrassed and of course this lead to me having no confidence in my ability in maths which in turn just exacerbated my difficulties with the subject. There are other experiences I remember very well from my school days too. I remember being seven years old at a school disco and feeling mortified when I realised my friend could tell time and I couldn’t. Yes, I’d been taught it, but for some reason I just couldn’t grasp it. (Thankfully I can tell time now, though I do struggle a bit with the 24 hour clock!) The weekly mental arithmetic tests at school were just pure TORTURE for me. It is painful even now to think back to those times. Things didn’t improve in secondary school. I was placed in the Intermediate band for maths and felt totally humiliated. Although I did manage to get a grade C for my maths GCSE, I think it was more to do with my good memory skills rather than any actual understanding of the subject. I’m not a stupid person. I have a degree in science though I did really struggle with the statistics part of my studies. Although I got a 2:1, I’m wondering now if I could have achieved a 1st if I’d received the kind of tailored support that people with dyslexia get. I guess I’ll never know! I am so glad to be out of school and University but my difficulty with numbers still has a pretty big impact on my life. Despite my best efforts I cannot figure out money! I try time and time again to keep track of my money—to budget for things, to have an awareness of what I’ve spent, even to have an awareness of what’s in my bank account etc—but I just can’t do it. I also get anxious about having to pay for things, especially in change, and I’ll often count it over and over again while in the queue, worried I’ll make a fool of myself by giving the incorrect fare (though that might be OCD-related!  ). Mostly I’m just still intensely embarrassed by my dreadful number skills. How can I tell though if I really have dyscalculia or if I’m just really crap at maths? I don’t know. I can’t find any information on screening tools for adults. There is hardly any information on screening tools even for children. I think I have it. I’m an intelligent person and got pretty decent grades all throughout my education, so I think that indicates my lack of skill in this area is down to something other than stupidity. Would knowing change my life? I don’t suppose it really matters now I’ve finished education, but I’d still like to know. It would be a relief to be officially diagnosed with it. I think it would help my self-esteem to know it’s down to a recognised condition and not stupidity! |
| My insomnia is back. I knew the good sleep pattern wouldn’t last. It is almost 5am and I haven’t been to sleep yet. Thankfully I don’t have to get up for anything. I have been very busy on WDC today (well, technically yesterday!) I’ve finally finished the reviews for my Poetry Treasures contest. Yay! I did over 100 reviews and it was HARD. I have also judged and awarded my PDG contest in record-breaking time. Though the fact that there were only three entries helped! I can’t believe how much reviewing I’ve done over the past couple of months. It’s crazy! Today has been okay. I haven’t done a whole lot. My sister has bad toothache so I drove to Woburn Sands (where our dentist is) with my Mum earlier to learn the route so I can drive my sister there tomorrow (when it’s open) if her tooth is still bad. The drive was pretty scary as I had to go on lots of bendy roads and it was really dark. I hated it... but it will be easier in the light... but I really hope I won’t have to do it! Especially as I'm going to be exhausted due to lack of sleep. I wish I could sleep. |
| I have been so ridiculously hungry over the last few days. I don’t know whether it’s due to boredom, the cold weather, my medication or something else entirely but it’s driving me crazy. I wish it would stop. I hate eating so much. It’s probably because I don’t have a balanced diet. But my body is craving loads of savoury things and carbohydrates and I always get plenty of that sort of thing. If anything I think I need more protein! I don’t have enough dairy in my diet because I don’t really like it that much. I’d love to become a vegan but if I did I think I would die! I need to learn to cook properly first. I’ve been saying that for years! I will learn to cook one day, and definitely before I have children! No child of mine is going to eat the crap I eat! Boredom has been getting to me lately. I want a job. I just don’t know what. I don’t even know if I’d cope with at a job at the moment. I want a life. Well, I want my old life. I miss it. I miss it so much it physically hurts.  But I won’t dwell on that because if I do I might just end up killing myself!My sister was down earlier because her boyfriend is meeting up with his friends to watch a fight or something instead of spending the evening with her. I didn’t say anything but so wanted to! At least she gets to see her boyfriend every day. I miss mine. Loneliness sucks!I’ve managed to get my sleep pattern sorted out and have been going to bed around midnight every night. That means it’s now forty minutes past my bedtime! My mind is being too active at the moment though so I don’t think I’d be able to sleep. I have been watching a lot of the TV series ER. I’m so obsessed with hospitals and doctors and medical stuff, probably because of what happened to me. And because I’m a total hypochondriac! And kind of morbid! It’s not good! Edit: Oh yeah, forgot to mention, I have added several entries to my
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This evening the man who lives opposite us knocked and asked for jump leads. Well actually he said ‘does your boyfriend or husband have any jump leads I could borrow?’ At the time I thought: husband? I look old enough to have a husband?! Then I thought I probably do look old enough to have a husband because I am old enough to have a husband!  Anyway, it was only afterwards I realised his question was kind of sexist. I know he didn’t mean it to be—he was very nice and polite—but it still was. No men live in our house now but by some miracle we do have jump leads! Our neighbour had given him some though by the time I found ours. I have been very brave tonight and driven loads. My sister and I both want to go into town tomorrow and I’m determined to drive us there! I’ve been out with my Mum to an estate near the shops, which is quieter for parking, and then just practised going there over and over again! Hopefully the route is in my head now but my Mum has written down directions for me just in case. I drove pretty well, I think. I felt more confident than yesterday. I didn’t get beeped by anyone but that might just be because it was quiet! But seriously, I didn’t really make any mistakes. I’ve finally put my P plates on as well so if I do make any mistakes or make anyone angry at least they will know I’m a new driver! I was reluctant to use them for a while because I’ve heard lots of horror stories about other road-users intimidating newly qualified drivers but I actually felt better with them on. I felt as if I didn’t have to worry so much about being slow or hesitant at junctions or roundabouts as anyone behind would realise I’ve only just passed my test. I know they’re not going to stop some people getting angry or impatient with me but at least they help to explain why I might be driving like an idiot... which hopefully I’m doing less and less! I had my B12 injection this morning which was fine but now my arm is hurting loads. I’m glad I don’t have to have one again for another three months now! The nurse was surprised that someone my age needs those injections. I don’t know how long I’ll need them for though—hopefully not forever!Apart from that my day has been very boring! |
| ARGH! I drove my sister and her boyfriend to Northampton and back. It was scary. I absolutely hated it and feel like I’m never going to get used to driving. I really, really can’t stand it and would be happy if I never had to do it again. I had to drive back in the dark... at rush hour... on roads I’ve never driven on before. No wonder I feel like a nervous wreck! I’m also aching like crazy because of how tense I was. It was not good. I had to go on the motorway on the way back too which I’ve never done before. That was actually okay. I prefer the straight, fast roads to the ones broken up with roundabouts. I made so many mistakes but I got us back in one piece so that’s the main thing. Even so, I feel sick at the thought of having to get back behind the wheel. I know a lot of this is to do with my OCD and the doubts this horrible, horrible thing causes me when I’m driving. I just constantly think I’m doing something wrong or am about to do something wrong or have done something wrong. I can’t stand it. I’m usually a brave person and never let a fear beat me but I just can’t seem to overcome this one. I realise I need to practise as much as I can but I hate that I have to practise something which is so ridiculously dangerous, and even more so as I’m new at it. Wish I'd never learned to drive. I just want to cry. |
| I feel fat today which is crazy as I’m borderline underweight. I know that logically but it doesn’t help. I think my mind hates me! I’ve had a huge appetite these last few days for some reason and have eaten loads so I think that’s why I feel so fat! Today has been another boring day. I tidied up my room, have watched a lot of TV and been on the computer a fair bit. Facebook is fun at the moment as everyone is changing their profile pictures to their favourite childhood cartoon character. I chose Simba from the Lion King. I was sad to see the karate lot have just got back from Winter school though. Wish I could have gone. However, I’m not going to dwell on this. It feels as if someone is tearing my heart out every time I think about karate so I tend to just try and not think about it . I’ve done three contest reviews today and will hopefully get a few more done later but I’m not sure. I want to get some Christmas shopping done tomorrow as I haven’t done ANY yet! I don’t know why I’ve left it so late. Hopefully if I go early it won’t be too busy in town as I hate big crowds and get so stressed out when I’m shopping. I’m not sure I’m brave enough to drive there by myself though, especially as I haven’t driven in a while, so I might end up having to go later. Grrr. |
| Grrrr. I have such a bad headache. And I had one yesterday evening too. I know what’s causing it—the stupid OCD thing I can’t stop doing with my tongue! If I could just stop moving my mouth then maybe that would give my head a break. But it’s out of my control. Today has been okay. I got some Wellington boots earlier. Yay for wellies! They’re pretty cool—purplish-blue with little flowers on them. I really like them. I haven’t done much else today. I did two contest reviews earlier but hope to do more later on. I got six done yesterday. I really feel like I’m getting there with them now. I think I only have 21 left to do. The end is in sight! I can’t wait to decide the winners and award the prizes! Actually, I’m just trying to think what I have done today. I got up quite early but can’t seem to remember my day...  Weird! I’m so bored but really can’t be bothered to do anything, especially anything productive! I’d love to go to bed but I know I shouldn’t. This day is dragging on and on and on... and on... and on... damn it, I’m stuck on a loop... |
| I just got back from walking Jadey and it is COLD out there! Brrrrrr. I ended up cutting the walk short because Jade was a bit overexcited about the snow and wouldn’t stop pulling on her lead. I was worried she’d pull me right over! We had fun though. She doesn’t roll in snow but she does eat it. It makes my teeth feel weird just thinking about it! She looked so funny with snow all over her face! Anyway, I’m glad to be back in the warmth. I got two contest reviews done earlier and am hoping to do at least three more as then I’ll be up to 1300 reviews.  I can’t believe how many reviews I’ve done considering I find it so hard!I cleared out ten items from my port earlier—mostly just poems that I don’t like or don’t care about. I was getting conscious of how close I am to filling up my portfolio. I wish I had a premium membership! I could afford a 3-month one if I used gift points but I don’t think I want to spend all my gift points, especially as my upgraded membership doesn’t expire until May 2011. Perhaps I’ll start saving up gps so I can get a premium membership then and in the meantime I’ll stop purchasing images which just take up precious space in my port! |
| I’ve just had a great week with Mark, and a pretty good day today but I am losing it tonight for some reason. All evening I’ve been fighting to hold back tears that I just can’t explain. Can cry now though, thank goodness, as everyone has gone to bed. Feeling pretty damn hopeless and helpless at the moment. Don’t want to take my stupid medication which I seem to be allergic to anyway. Don’t want to go back to counselling because it’s a load of crap. Just wondering if any of this is ever going to end. |
| A Sestina? Is the prompt for day 4 really a Sestina? Oh no! And I thought the Villanelle was going to stretch me. I’ve never written a Sestina before. I’ve been putting off an attempt until I become a better writer! I’m going to Mark’s today so I might see it I can come up with a poem on the train to pass the time. But I’m really not feeling confident in my ability to write a Sestina. They are so long! And I just don’t have that much to say.  I wish I was at Mark’s already. I’m so tired and really don’t want to do this horrible journey. It will be worth it though! |
I managed to write my second ever Villanelle even though I hate the form and find it tough. This isn't my best work by any means but I'm just happy to be able to continue in the contest. I'll probably set this poem to private once the contest is over!
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Oh no! The form prompt for day 3 of the Rhythm and Rhyme poetry challenge is a Villanelle. I don’t like Villanelles and I’m not sure I even have the energy to attempt this one. I’ll see if anything comes to me but I am not feeling inspired at the moment and it doesn’t help that I can’t figure out what the picture prompt is actually a picture of!  Edit: Okay, I know what the image is now. That isn't helping me though! |
| Morning is here! I've had about two hours sleep! Now I've been up for about two hours! I'm so tired! But also strangely cheerful! I keep going to bed ridiculously late, like 3 or 4am and then wake up a couple of hours later and can’t get back to sleep. It is getting quite annoying! I’ve had a busy morning though, since getting up. I’ve been good and finally managed to do some laundry which means I can take clean clothes to Mark’s Yay! I’ve also written my poem for day two of the Rhythm and Rhyme challenge, which is here:
I’m actually really pleased with it! I’ve debated with myself whether to use the image prompts in my items, but have decided against it. Although I love both images which have been given so far, I’d rather my words create the image for the reader rather than having it already there for them. I hope that makes sense... and doesn’t make me seem big-headed... I’m not saying I can create the image in the reader’s mind, I’m just saying I’d like to at least try to!I have also done a lot of reading this morning. I’m reading Charlotte Brontë’s “Jane Eyre” and am absolutely loving it so far! |
| I was going to help judge the Pond Poetry contest for the first time this round but have had to ask to sit out as I’m still absolutely swamped with my own contest. I feel so bad about it. I hate letting people down. I was excited about doing it too as I love that contest! But hopefully they’ll give me another chance and let me back next round! I need to recognise my limits though and I know I have taken on too much recently. I have only done one review today. I am really struggling and my last few reviews have been pretty rubbish. Sorry if you got a review from me recently! I just need to keep ploughing through though and get back in to the rhythm of it. I want to get as much done as possible before I visit Mark next week. I am hoping to take part in the Talent Pond’s Rhythm and Rhyme Poetry Challenge this week and have written my poem for day one. Here it is!
I’m pretty happy with it! It’s nice to be writing again. |
| Urgh. I’ve really slowed down with my contest reviews but I think that is understandable considering how depressed I feel at the moment. I hope to get back into it tomorrow and do as many as I can. At least I got the PDG contest out the way – but then there were only three entries! I went to see the new Harry Potter film with my sister and her boyfriend last night. It was really good! I drove us there and back... in the fog! That was pretty scary. I haven’t been out in the car today though as I have slept for most of it. That’s all I seem to do these days.My Mum keeps commenting on how tired and thin I look recently, which is getting annoying! She doesn’t know about my mental state and I don’t want her to know, so I’m milking my B12 deficiency for all it’s worth and keep telling her it’s because of that. I think she believes me—well, sort of anyway.I am being surprisingly calm about what I told the CBT woman on Thursday but I’m just waiting for it to blow up, as I know it will. I’m still very pissed off that she is referring me to counselling. I so don’t want to do it, but what choice do I have? I don’t think I’m even going to get called for an interview for the job I applied for. I would have thought they’d have contacted me by now for one, seeing as the closing date was ten days ago. I’m not feeling too badly about it... yet... but I think that’s because I’m still clinging on to it and hoping that it’s just taking them a while to decide or something. I don’t know. I just don’t know. |
| I have just been discharged from CBT. My therapist doesn’t think she can help me right now. Instead she is referring me to a counselling service even though I said I’ve tried counselling, it doesn’t work and I don’t want to go back. She pushed and pushed me today to tell her about something that happened to me in my past and said she couldn’t refer me to the right people unless I told her. I was crying and trembling but I did eventually tell her. I felt like I didn’t have a choice. She was pretty quick to chuck me out after that. Didn’t matter that she’d practically just forced me to tell her about one of the most distressing and humiliating experiences of my life. Now she gets to forget about it and go back to work with people she actually can help and I’m left to deal with what has just happened and what I’ve done. Fucking great. |
| I just drove to the Little Chef with my sister and her boyfriend to have breakfast. I went on a dual carriageway for the first time since my driving lessons and getting my new car, which went very well. I was pretty nervous! I haven’t been going out much in my car. In fact I’ve been a bit of a coward about it which is really out of character for me as I’m usually a pretty brave person and good at facing up to my fears. I need to start going out on my own a bit more. I rarely ever have breakfast because I don’t usually get up in the morning, or if I do, I don’t have much of an appetite. It was nice! I had a full English breakfast, vegetarian style if that’s possible! I slept an absolutely ridiculous amount yesterday. After I got back from the doctors I went back to bed and slept until about 5pm, I think. Then I got up for a couple of hours and then went back to bed until 11:15pm. Then I was up for about an hour before going back to bed and sleeping in until about 5am. And even after all that I’m still tired now! I think it is just the stress of the last few days taking its toll on me. I’ve got another CBT session tomorrow which I really don’t want to go to. I haven’t completed the tasks I was set. This has been the week from hell though so hopefully my therapist will understand! I’m not used to being up at this time when I don’t actually have to be up! I’ve already done quite a bit on WDC this morning – I’ve (mostly) caught up on responding to emails and I’ve sent a load of gifts for the Gifting Station. I might do a few reviews – I’ve got three to do for the PDG contest as well as the 40+ for Poetry Treasures. Can’t wait until that’s over! |
| Today hasn’t been all that great. I went to speak to my doctor again and have had my medication changed again. I haven’t collected it yet though and don’t know if I’m even going to bother because when I’m this down I struggle to take it consistently anyway, which obviously isn’t a good thing. I went back to bed when I got home and slept, and slept, and then slept some more. I’m still pretty exhausted though. Since getting up I’ve managed to walk Jade and have dinner, so that’s good. I didn’t make the dinner though. I can’t do that anymore. I got a letter from an employment service my therapist referred me to. They help people with mental health issues get back to work. There is a two month waiting list though so that’s annoying. I have quite a lot of stuff to do on WDC but I just can’t be bothered at the moment. Hopefully I’ll feel more motivated a bit later and will be able to do some more contest reviews. |
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