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 |  Now my story begins in nineteen-dickety-two... |
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2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me, Threatening the life it belongs to And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud And I know that you'll use them, however you want to -Breathe(2AM), Anna Nalick ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** For Daddy, the real world gets fainter and fainter every day. -Homer Simpson Homer, Please Don't Hammer 'Em ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
If we shadows have offended,/Think but this, and all is mended,/That you have but slumber'd here/While these visions did appear./And this weak and idle theme,/No more yielding but a dream... -William Shakespeare, A Midsummer's Night Dream |
| Tomorrow starts my vacation that will last until next Monday. So, things are a little slow now. Although, when I first got here, it seemed that the Powers-That-Be knew it was my day before vacation because we were very busy. After I got back from lunch we slowed way down. My birthday is in a month. Tomorrow is our 8th anniversary which is the 'reason' for us taking vacation. I'm not sure we'll do too much, but it should be nice spending some time with hubby. I am going to check out the first season of Babylon 5 and the first disc of Brisco County, Jr. I've seen most of Babylon 5, but I'm pretty sure I missed a good chunk of episodes espeically in the last seasons. I don't think I ever got to see any of the special movies they made. I have seen Brisco County, Jr. all the way through, but it's been awhile. When it first came out on DVD, it was too expensive for us to buy. I wonder if the price has come down. But I think it's such an obscure or unique title, that most places probably don't even carry it anymore. I don't know. Haven't looked for it in awhile. We may be getting grandma's car in the near future. Dad doesn't want her driving anymore. She's having memory issues. *sigh* Dad originally planned for us to take my sister's car because my sister was going to get Mom and Dad's old one when they bought a new one. Having another car on Sunday will be nice, but honestly, we're doing fine otherwise. It hasn't been too big of a deal for us. I think I'm becoming more and more afraid of driving. Never liked it much in the first place. I did rather enjoy the Buffy comic. So if we go to Indy, or to another comic store, I'm going to have to get the next trade.  I've been working my way through the sixth season again. For some reason, Going Through the Motions pops into my head a lot lately... I'm not sure if that means anything or not... Here it is. Not sure what the sound is like, though. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vf_P8AAgWJw I think the babbling brook has dried up at the moment. Have a good night. |
| I have a thousand things I want to comment on about the past few days buzzing around in my head. Like most of my entries, I'll start on one and just end up focusing on that. I'm not sure what I want to focus on. I don't want to whine or rant either. If I could do the humorous rants I used to do, I'd be all over that in an instant. Apparently, there was a time I was hilarious when I got angry. Of course, it probably helped to have an audience present. I remember one rant in particular where I did ham up parts because of my friend who was listening. I could instantly tell what he liked and react accordingly. I often wish I had been videotaped that night, but it probably wouldn't be as funny as I remember. There's also the fact, that I try not to let myself get that angry anymore either. Maybe that's part of my problem in general. *shrug* I suppose I could tell what had caused that glorious rant. It was probably around the time Benn and I got married which on the 27th will be 8 years ago. I had gotten kicked out of my first attempt at grad school, unjustly, but to be honest, it probably would have happened the next semester anyway with good cause. So, I was desperately looking for work. Basically, what happened was this new company came to town and at first they didn't tell you what they were or what the did. (Should have been a red flag right there.)First there was a meeting and then a quick 'interview'. I suspect that everyone that went to this interview was instantly 'hired'. They told us we would be selling air filters, but gave us no details on how that process would work. Air filters to me, meant something huge that companies would buy, not the public in general. Turns out it was a glorified vacuum cleaner. { cough}Filter Queen{ /cough} By the time you found that out, they had led you along with promises of making money and being successful. I should have been smarter than that. Now, to be fair, the product seemed like it was good one, if everything they said about it was true. However, I didn't like the methods they used to get people to listen to the sales pitch. It was a job where you went door to door to sell the product. My best friend at the time got a job with them in their calling department. Her job was to call people and find out if they were homeowners. If they were, she was to arrange a time one of the sales reps could come to their house. She was supposed to say they had won a grill or a vacation or some third thing and that the person coming out wouldn't stay long. The company told us sales reps, that the people we were visiting knew damn well how long we were gong to be there (longer than an hour)and they weren't lied to about the prizes. Because often the people we visited told us they were told we'd only be there for a short while and the prize was from a grocery store raffle or something like that. And yes, there were 'prizes'. The grill was a crappy little electronic thing you could use indoors. The vacation was just a way to get discounts on vacation related stuff. So, after talking to my friend, I felt worse about what I was doing. They made several appointments for us a day. Including 9:00 at night. Even part time sales reps worked evening shifts. I hated it. I wasn't there long enough to go on these sales calls on my own. I felt like a sleaze just witnessing some of the crap I saw going on. There was an instance where I was at this couple's home: The husband left and that left only the wife. After our demonstration of the product, we were supposed to call the office. For two reasons, so they could coach us if we were new and to put on a show. We were supposed to act like we were negotiating a deal or something and overact. The lady was using the excuse that she didn't want to buy the vacuum(we were never supposed to call it that) without talking to her husband first. So the guy at the office told me to ask her if she needed her husband's permission to buy mac and cheese at the store.  To me, that seemed rude and unreasonable. And I wouldn't do it. There's a difference between a 79 cent box of mac and cheese and $2000 vacuum. There was one guy that got hired when I did. One day, we spent a day together doing sales calls and we both bitched and expressed our concerns about the company. The next day, during our inspirational morning meeting, he blew up at them. He was then taken to a room and yelled at. That was my last day there I think. I was crying when I woke up that morning and they wouldn't take the time to listen to me. So they said I could take the first half of the day to think about things. Well, Benn pretty much made the decision for me. He saw how upset I was and drove me back to the company while I told them I quit. Seriously, they tried so hard to counter every argument you had for not doing the job. If you complained that you didn't get to see your spouse, they told you most divorces were caused because of money issues. Even then, I laughed at this one guy who bragged about his girlfriend on the other side of the state. He only saw her on the weekends and I joked to myself she was using his money to buy satin sheets for her and her other lover. Benn and I believe that most money issues couples have is just the surface of their problems anyway. There's probably other issues and it's just manifesting as arguments about money. Anyway, the actual incident that occurred to inspire the before mentioned rant must have happened the night before I quit. As I was with that guy that got yelled out for questioning their wisdom. Like I said, we had to go to people's homes to sell the vacuum. Indiana is rural state more or less so we spent a lot of the day roaming the countryside trying to find these homes. It was our last call for the day and we were in separate cars. It was cold and the back roads were getting foggy. I remember the Matchbox 20 song If You're Gone came on the radio and I couldn't stop crying. I'm getting a little misty eyed remembering it now. I had no idea where I was going or where I was. I think I know this area well enough that I could get where I'm going. But this place, if I didn't have the directions to get back to town, I have no idea what I would have done. So we get there, and I don't remember much about what the man who greeted us looked like, but I remember the other guy. He took us into this building that had a huge empty area and a small stage like area. There was rocker with a thin, grizzled man on it and if he didn't have a shotgun across his lap, he should have. They let us go through our pitch and the man proceeds to tell us about Jesus and the visions God sent him. We were sitting in the place where they had their services. He told us he had visions of his ministry spreading across the county. I was thinking, I'm sitting in cultist compound. The thing is, even if you're agreeing with someone like that, telling them you're a Christian, they still preach at you like you're not. At the time, I was confused about my spirituality and such, but I didn't let them know that. I think I would have told them anything to get the hell out of there. So when I finally got home, our friend was visiting Benn and that's when I gave this big glorious rant about my experience at the freaky compound. It's weird, because in career class and other type of classes, they said values played a big role in your career choice. I never really understood it until this job. It seemed like to me, you went to your job, do what they tell you to get your money. I didn't think values at work were something that everyday people wouldn't have to deal with. After that job, it made a whole lot of sense. It made my view of sales people that much worse. Huh. Well, that was much better than a run down of my weekend. I think so anyway. |
| ...so ignore if you want. So, after freaking out yesterday because of a possible clot, I end up with a message today from the doctor saying I could take the birth control again and there's no need for further testing.  I know she said the D-dimer test was low, but shouldn't they want to find out what had caused any sort of clotting? And even though this time there were no clots in my lungs, might not the prolonged use of the birth control make it possible in the future? Even if it is okay, do I need to go some where or see someone to be officially diagnosed with panic attacks? The sense I'm getting is that it is in my head then. I should probably call back with these questions, but I'm so damn angry right now. The office is closed anyway. I know being angry isn't going to help the stress situation if there is one. The thing is, it's hard for me to believe that a lot of this is being induced by my psyche. But maybe it is. If it is, it makes me angry at myself for putting everyone through this. My family's been worried, Benn's been worried, and even my co-workers are concerned. Schedules have been disrupted just because I can't calm myself down. I know, it's better to know that everything is okay, but I can't help but be angry about it. And everyone asks if I'm feeling better. It's not like the flu or getting hurt. These symptoms don't stick around all day. They don't even occur everyday. They just happen and try as I might to figure it out, I don't know why. It's not really a question of do I feel better. Yeah, I feel fine now. But I have no idea if I'm going to be fine later today. Maybe that's further proof I'm doing it to myself. The only remote link I can see between these things, is that there may be some fear to being by myself. But it could be when I start to feel bad, I just don't want to be alone. *sigh* I'm nearly certain now, it's not the damn caffeine. I hate to be ranting about all this here, but really, it's the only place for me to do so anymore. |
| So, the good feelings lasted until about 3:00. I got a call from the doctor about the blood tests. I think the one that they called about was called the D-dimer. It was 'low' but gave the doctor some reason for concern. She told me to stop taking my birth control and that I needed to get a scan of my lungs done as soon as possible to see if I had a clot. If there was a clot and it got loose, it's fatal. So my husband left work early and agreed to do a transport on Friday to make up for it. I think I screwed up everyone's day getting to this test. I aleady have the results and there were no clots. So, yea, good news. I wonder if just having a result on the D-dimer test is enough to make me feel the way I have been. I'm guessing I'll get that answer tomorrow when I get to talk to my doctor. The doctor from the testing center is the one who called me. After taking the test, I have to start to wonder if some of my issues aren't psychological. It was a CAT scan. Instead of the giant tube I've often seen for a CAT scene, it was a giant hoop. It didn't really help with the claustrophobia though. I'm thinking I was also convinced that I had a blood clot at that point so that wasn't helping. I was starting to shake on the bed that was going through the hoop. Which that could have been from all the stuff they were injecting into me. At one point, I was ready to start screaming to have them let me up. After it was over, the technician had me lay down for awhile to make sure I didn't have allergic reactions to the stuff they injected me with. I was still shaking and I wanted to sit up. She seemed reluctant to let me, but I knew I would feel better. After sitting up, I wanted water and she brought me a bottle. I was drinking it so hard, the bottle was collapsing. She told me to stop because she didn't want me to get sick. I don't see how it would have made me sick, but I stopped. I was still shaking and wanted to stand up. Again she seemed reluctant, but she helped me up. It made me feel better. The whole time she was asking me if I wanted a damp cloth for my face. My face was flushed and she asked if that was common. For me it is. My face flushes if it's too hot or too cold. If flushes from when I go to one temperature setting to another. Sometimes, it flushes after I eat. It flushes when I drink alcohol. Sometimes it does so without a reason at all. She kept asking if I was okay. Which I understand. I like that she seemed so compassionate, but I just needed some time for the shakes to go away. I knew walking around would help. I have to wonder if all the shaking was my nerves. Eventually the shakes went away though. So, I'm relieved there's no clot. I'm beginning to think all the problems are from the birth control. *sigh* There were some nice things about taking it though. |
| Instead of working out before I came to the library to wait to go to work, I just picked up some lunch on campus and then went to the library. It was so I could see the inauguration. For a library, we have a lot of TV's. I choose to stay at the one next to the cafe. I even got the comfy couch eventually. I'm surprised no one else jumped on it. Growing up, I was always cynical of politics. (A generation X member cynical? I know, hard to believe.) A part of me still is. I feel safer having that side of me stick around.Nonetheless, I was moved by what I saw and heard today. It's given me a good feeling and I can accept that for what it is. As I sat there watching, the crowd got bigger around the cafe and when Obama finally took the oath, everyone clapped. It just felt amazing to be part of something like that. Complete strangers more or less, but a sense of unity all the same. Yeah, the feelings will probably fade. Maybe we'll be let down by this administration too, but for right now, it feels good and I almost hate to admit how much I do think Obama will be a good president. I guess, I'm a little ashamed that a politician can effect me so. I don't know why. I think it's part of deeper issues that have to do with my childhood. Like I said, today feels good and I think I just want to enjoy it. By the way, Firefox's spell check says Obama is misspelled. You'd think they'd want to add the 44th President's name to the dictionary... I don't know, it's just a thought.  |
| I finally got back to the doctor's office to give them some more blood. I was surprised they were even open today. Even though the university recognizes MLK day as a university holiday now, the library's still open it's normal hours. The only difference is that most of the day stuff is taking the day off. I can take another day off instead, but I like taking the overtime pay better. Since I work on Sundays getting Monday holidays off aren't so great so I don't mind working the holidays. And rarely do I have plans on holidays anyway. But I've probably said the same things in other entries on holidays. Ah, well. Hm... I really don't have much else to say right now... Have a good one. |
| Yesterday, we went to Indy to visit a friend( B-and that is his nickname, not me trying to protect the innocent.) that had moved down there. We went to a Mexican restaurant, which is pretty much like any other Mexican restaurant I've been to. Not that it wasn't good, but when we go to another city, we like to try to eat at a place that isn't in the city we live in. I got that from parents and Benn is the same way. To me, that Mexican restaurant wasn't much different than the ones here. But I guess you could say about any type of restaurant. Any way it was good. Then we went to Stone Cold Creamery an ice cream shop. That was also tasty. We went to the Half-Price Bookstore where I found a copy of American Gods. It was the paperback version as they didn't have a hardback. I would have preferred a hardback, but those are pricey even at Half-Price. I did find another Neil Gaiman book that was a hardcover, but it was $14. I was trying to be a little conservative with spending. I did look for Twilight but there were only two copies and both had a cover I've never seen before. Instead of having the entire cast from the movie or the apple, it just had the actress who played Belle and the actor who played Edward. I thought they'd have more copies, as I've seen them overflowing in Harry Potter books. Maybe they stopped accepting books if they're too popular. So, I didn't buy a copy of Twilight. (Although, that does remind me of something I wanted to comment on. When I went to Hot Topic over Christmas, I saw a Team Edward shirt. And just last week one of my student assistants had a Team Jacob shirt. I never understand why an artist would kill himself after seeing his art sold out, but after I saw those shirts, I understood. If any of my characters end with a Team -character name- shirt, I think I might have to consider suicide myself. I don't know, it just seemed so stupid to me. But maybe in the books they use that Team thing... Anyway, I digress...) After the bookstore, we went to a comic book shop. I bought the first trade of Buffy the Vampire Slayer: the Eighth Season. I didn't care for the one Buffy comic I got a long time ago. At the time, they were writing comics to fill in the gaps between the seasons. But since this was a continuation, I thought I'd give it another chance. The cashier assured me it was good, but I doubt he'd tell me if it sucked. So we dropped off B at the home he's staying it. He's currently living with his sister-in-law's mother. Kinda weird, but it's a sweet house. We left about 3, because he had plans at 6, but he didn't seem to want us to go. His car finally died, so he can't come up to see us too often. Although, his brother is letting him use his car on occasion. Benn told him we would be back up in two weeks when we're on vacation. I think Benn is wanting to connect to our friends again. On Friday, he had me ask Craig if he and Mat wanted to go eat on Saturday night. Craig didn't commit either way, so then Benn decided we'd go see B. Well, we were only home for about half-hour before Craig comes down and asks where we want to eat. Benn had made plans to cook last night as he probably thought Craig wasn't interested in eating out. So we ended up going to Outback. I had a Wallaby Darned... I think that's what it's called. A lovely peachy alcoholic drink. I think it had been a year since I've had a drop of booze. I didn't get carded this time, though.  I did a year ago... I guess 2008 aged me horribly. In the end, I didn't get any writing done on Saturday. I did get some things written on Friday, but I'm finding it hard to concentrate on it. I do think the trip to Indy did me some good. I think we've been cooped up in the house too long and that sort of thing probably does drive you crazy. I think I'm going to do a summary of Chasing today so I can put a link to it from the sequel. Someone read or at least looked at the first chapter yesterday. Not too many people have finished Chasing. So I think having a summary may help, especially when I take it off the board in the next couple of months. I'll probably leave the story in my port if people want to read it still. I think that's enough for now. |
| Harrison Ford and Brandon Fraser are going to be in the same movie and it's not going to involve ancient artifacts and tomb raiding? http://www.newsvine.com/_news/2009/01/14/2311939-harrison-ford-brendan-fraser-te... That just doesn't seem right some how... |
| I heard back from the doctor's office this morning. The heart monitoring showed I had arrhythmia. Which basically just means my heart doesn't always thump rhythmically. I guess given the other tests and such, I'm told the reason my heart does this could be because of caffeine and/or decongestants. As I haven't taken any decongestants, I'd say caffeine has to be the issue. *sigh* So, I'll cut back on the caffeine and see what happens. I think I'm catching a cold though, so I may end up taking decongestants before the weekend is over. We'll see. I was assured the condition was not life threatening, but now that I'm off the phone and have had time to think about it, I have a zillion questions. So, I might be calling the office back to get some answers. My maternal grandmother has been put in the hospital a few times for rapid heart rate. Growing up, I was told I had a heart murmur, but it wasn't serious enough to need treatment. As an adult, it seems like every time I tell a doctor that, they can never hear the murmur. I don't know if it's possible, but maybe it corrected itself when I grew up. As for the blood tests, well they weren't handled properly so the blood lab people couldn't get any results. So I have to go back in and give them some more blood. Which I won't be able to do until tomorrow. Blah. Today and tomorrow are supposed to be the coldest days of the week. But right now, I'm wearing my heaviest sweater and sitting in a sunbeam that is also making it hard for me to see the computer monitor. And I'm drinking mint tea, that has no caffeine... I'll cut back, but I sure as hell ain't going to give up chocolate... Dark chocolate doesn't have much caffeine, right? Or does it have more because there's more coco... Hm... I'll have to look into that... |
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