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 |  Now my story begins in nineteen-dickety-two... |
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2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me, Threatening the life it belongs to And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud And I know that you'll use them, however you want to -Breathe(2AM), Anna Nalick ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** For Daddy, the real world gets fainter and fainter every day. -Homer Simpson Homer, Please Don't Hammer 'Em ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
If we shadows have offended,/Think but this, and all is mended,/That you have but slumber'd here/While these visions did appear./And this weak and idle theme,/No more yielding but a dream... -William Shakespeare, A Midsummer's Night Dream |
| I got my hair cut yesterday and I'm happy with the results. I haven't dyed it yet though. I'm thinking of having a professional do it instead of doing it myself. It costs more that way, but it may be worth it. Plus, that's partly what my plasma money is for. Although, part of that may be paying to have Uri fixed on the 17th. Still, that's supposed to cost $60 and I currently get $50 a week for plasma. I did take pictures so others may see the new haircut, but I didn't like how I looked in any of them. From time to time, I attempt to take pictures of myself so I can post a new one on Facebook, but I hate how look in every one of them. Except one I took last week where I covered my face up to my eyes. I can't tell you how ugly I feel. I felt better about my appearance after the haircut, but not enough. I blame my weight for part of my grotesque appearance, and while that's part of it, it's not all. I see overweight women all the time that I think look pretty or well-dressed or not freaks. I do have a horrible opinion about my self image wise. But in the ways that do count, I probably have a realistic view of myself. I don't think I should be treated like crap for being ugly. I don't think it necessarily makes me less of a person. But it does bring me down to look at myself in a mirror. Now, when I first came to college and lost a bunch of weight, I thought I was a little hottie for about two years of my life. I'm not looking to be that again, but it would be nice not to cringe at myself in photos and in reflections. Truth be told, I wasn't even overweight until I was a junior or senior in high school. I didn't realize that until I was a senior in high school and really looked at the pictures of me in junior high. You see, my grandmother has always been on me about weight. So I always thought I was fat. Dad would tease me about it, but I don't think he thought I was fat until I actually became so. It pissed me off, because if I had known I was normal, maybe I would have stopped myself from becoming fat. Although, in eighth grade, I tried out to be a majorette in the band for high school. They did have weight/height requirements. Their reason for the requirements was that a person had to be able to do all that was asked of them. Never mind I was able to do all the things in try outs. If it that was in my head and I truly sucked, I wish they had told me that instead that I was too fat. I think it would have been a lot easier dealing with my lack of rhythm than thinking I was fat. What really pissed me off was that I'd see fatter girls in majorettes from other schools. Ever since then, I keep thinking I could have sued the school over some sort of right violation. Wouldn't really have been worth it. The damage was done. But if I had ended up as a majorette, I may not have ended up the wonderful person I am now.  Since August, I have being doing this walking video apporved by the American Heart Association about 4-6 times a week. I haven't lost any weight. For a few weeks last month I think I did. It's also an eating issue. At least, I think it is. Anyway, I didn't mean this to become a peek inside my twisted self-image. Truth be told, I'm not down in the dumps at the moment. It's almost become a matter of fact sort of thing. For the most part. We all have our down moments. |
Out of ash/I rise with my red hair/And I eat men like air. -Lady Lazarus, Sylvia Plath Now, I've stated in recent entry that I always wanted strawberry blonde hair. But today, as I was coming into work, I had a strong desire to make it as flaming red as I could. And still look natural red. If I hadn't been coming to work, I may have very well have gone to the store and bought red dye. A part of me wants to stop on the way home, but I should probably wait a day or two before making that kind of a decision. At least a strawberry blonde wouldn't be too dramatic, but I really want bright, red hair right now. At first I considered black, but that may be too much. It would take a lot of maintenance as I would have to color my eyebrows everyday so I didn't look like a eyebrow-less freak. Hell, I have to do that if I decide to go red. But I have a blonde-ish eyeliner that I use now on days where I think my eyebrows are too light. That may be good enough for the red hair. I can't recall ever wanting to change my hair color this bad before. I've always been a little concerned about it, but at the same time curious. I've never used a permanent dye. Now, I have no concerns. I still need a hair trim though. |
| A fat blob of a librarian wannbe sits and shelves book surrounded in a miasma of her own gas. Her one redeeming factor may have been her smile, but her teeth are stained from years of drinking tea and coffee. At least when she had braces, there was the hope that one day she would have beautiful teeth. Now, nothing but dentures could probably return her smile to it's former glory. She goes into the restroom and catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror. She cannot believe that the woman covered in rolls of fat is her. That's not me. How could I have let this happen? Then there's her back that wasn't even her fault. A hanging cast on her broken arm in the fifth grade assured she live the rest of her live with a curvy spine. She shakes her head disgusted and walks away, hoping no one else is paying much attention to her to notice how ugly she is. How anyone can talk to her, look at her, or touch her amazes her. It's hard to believe that anyone can see how she's supposed to be- how she is in her head. It would explain why she isn't in a cage at the circus. If only there was a way to get the outside to match the inside. |
| I was getting the movie Dr. No for someone and had just thought about NaNo and I thought someone should do something called Dr. NaNo. So, someone get on that and make it hilarious. I'm not participating in NaNo, nor do I see myself ever doing so. It seems the point is to motivate people to write a novel and as I've written four, I don't much see the point. Now, if I'm ever ready to start a new project about November, I may do so. But to start on something totally new when I'm in the middle of something else seems like a bad idea. I don't want to stop the energy of one project to work on another. I know I often work on more than one story, but I couldn't do that if I had to get one done in a month. To be honest, there's something that annoys me about NaNo. Everybody is talking about it and focusing on it. They ignore everything else. It's not a big deal, but a bit irksome from time to time. |
| Snow fell on Halloween that year. It was a cold morning and despite the snow, the sun was shining. It was a Sunday and my mother and sister had already left with grandma to go to church and Dad was still asleep. I was still supposed to go to church, but with Dad's help I no longer had to go to the church that I had gone to all my life. I was now attending a Methodist church within walking distance that started at a decent time. As I recall, I still didn't go that morning. I had woken up and was just laying in bed, taking my time waking up. I was happy because it was Halloween. It had always been my favorite holiday. I was no longer tricker-treating. I was a senior in high school, but I still enjoyed the holiday. Anyway, I was listening to the radio as I was waking up. I used to have the radio on all night. This is where it starts to sound corny. It was this morning that I first heard Mariah Carey's song 'Hero'. I don't know why, but something about the song clicked with me. It was the first time I actually believed that I could have an affect on my own life. I remember walking the halls of my high school and imaging a knight on a white horse swooping in to take me away from drudgery of high school and life. Now, I didn't literally believe that this would happen, but I was constantly seeking, hoping that salvation would find me. I didn't think I was capable of doing it myself. Sure, I heard all the cliches and things growing up about how your mindset was important, how your responsible for yourself, but it didn't click with me. I didn't really understand what it meant. For whatever reason, understanding dawned on me that morning as I listened to the song. I had been involved in theater for my entire high school career. I never took chances and dared to try out for lead roles. I just didn't think I was talented enough especially compared to the other drama students. So I never gave 100% because I just didn't think it was possible for me to do better. So, for the last production of the year I put all I could into the auditions. It was 42nd street and we had some tap lessons before hand and I practiced singing and projecting my voice. But I think it was a little too late plus that the normal drama teacher who normally directed the musicals was co-directing with the choir teacher which never happened before while I was a student. So a lot of choir babies got in that probably shouldn't have. Or maybe I just sucked. Either way, I knew I did the best I was capable of at that time. Since the musical turned out to be bust, I focused on some of the other things I was involved in. Like I said it sounds kinda corny. But I feel like I had a revelation that morning and I've always considered today a second birthday of sorts. |
| Woot! Three day weekend for me! The whole purpose of asking for this Sunday off was because Benn was hoping we'd do something with our friends. We are, but I don't think I'm going to get all dressed up for a little get together. Maybe my butterfly mask. I fully intend to a Halloween entry about my Halloween sixteen years ago. Geez, it's terrible to think of that long ago in years. It will probably sound corny, but so be it. But I think I will wait for Saturday to do it. I don't know if I'm really looking forward to Saturday's party or not. Although, last night I had dream about drinking some really good wine and it put me in the mood to drink some. So I thought I'd save that for Saturday. The wine in my dream was from one I tasted when I was in Florida. We visited a winery and did the tasting and tour. They had a red port that was absolutely delicious and sweet and I think would go perfect with dark chocolate. But we didn't buy any as we were camping and couldn't properly store it. And the winery does ship, but can't ship to Indiana.  I thought Indiana had changed the shipping laws for alcohol, but I guess not or maybe they haven't gotten the memo yet. They can ship to Illinois and maybe Michigan, so if someone from those states were willing to have something shipped from there, Lindsey and I would be most appreciative. We did sign up for their e-mails, but they're horrible reminders about what we can't have. Sometimes they'll have special events that we can't go to. *sigh* Anyway, some people are coming in and shattering the blissful peace in the area. Grr. No respect for libraries anymore. |
| Ever since Benn was sick, he has been unable to eat meat without feeling like he's going to hurl. Except for fish and other seafood. If we lived on the coast, that would be dandy. He was told that others have experienced this when they've been sick. It's getting kind of annoying when we make stuff at home. I can't make something that I want because it has meat in it and I can't really make a single serving of a lot of things. I don't know. He still wants the meat, it just makes him nauseous. I suppose we can try to switch over to mostly fish and seafood, but every once in awhile, I'll want something like spaghetti and chili and damn it, I want hamburger in it. I'm just thinking his body has to right itself eventually. Of course, I don't know how much of it may be his mind screwing with him. If he's going to continue this, he needs to start paying attention to his protein intake. Meat has all the proteins you need and if you stop eating it, you have to find other ways to make sure you get all of it. We looked into going to partly vegi for awhile. All things considered, I really don't eat much meat. Most of my issues come from sugar and probably dairy. I'm thinking that's one reason my protein count was too low for giving plasma. Its not unusual for me to have meat for only one meal during the day. Speaking of food, it's supper time... |
| I suppose I could do an entry on my weekend. I don't think I've been as forthcoming with my doings as I used to be. Friday, I did laundry and attempted to do some writing. I didn't much of that accomplished on Friday. Saturday, however, I got a decent amount of work done and probably would have gotten more done had my husband not come home and want to go out. Last weekend, he offered to help Lindsey as she does work on her house. Her and her husband have had some issues with a flooding basement and such. Benn kept offering to go and never said we. Which was fine with me. Normally, I do want to be helpful, but I've gotten some serious mojo back writing wise and I want to spend as much time as I can working it. Friday night he called me from work and asked when I wanted to go to Lindsey's. I told him I wasn't expecting to go. He didn't sound upset by it, so he went to work on her house yesterday. He's doing it today too, but I work. While Benn was gone, I did make some serious headway in Moon. It really sucked because I got to a tense, waiting the whole novel for this scene-scene, and that's when Benn came home. We went out to eat with Lindsey and then we went to our friend Vader's house so he could run his game. I wasn't even supposed to go, but Benn convinced me to come. Thus, I couldn't work on my story any longer nor did I get enough sleep, but only by an hour or so. About a month ago, Benn told me to take Nov. 1 off and I am. I don't think much is going to happen if anything. Benn has to work on 31st but expects to go right to partying after he gets off. Even with the next day off, I'm not too keen on staying up all night. Still, three-day weekend and a Sunday off. I think I just need to take Sundays off one in awhile for sanity. The weekend after that, Greg and Shanna have a party planned for Saturday night at their place which is two hours away. As I have to be at work on Sunday morning, I'll opt out of that. Asking for two Sundays in a row off is a bit much. Any other day of the week, no problem usually. But Sundays can be tough to find someone to fill in for me. The library runs with a skeletal crew as much as it can on Saturday, Sunday and nights. For all my complaining about being lonely, there are times I very much just want to be alone. |
| Cats (duh) Demons Kittens Kits Kitties Stinky Furballs (That I get from my father. That's what he often calls cats. I don't use it very often.) ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Una Miss Una Unadilla(a city in Georgia, I found out this summer) Pur Monster ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Raish Mr. Raish Raishington Lord Raishington Halloween kitty Bully ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Lash Named after Lasciel from the Dresden Files. Miss Lash Princess Her Royal Highness The cutest damn thing in this house or in other words, Awww ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Uuri Named after Uriel, particularly how he appears in Dresden Files. I guess my husband felt that since we named one kitten after a demon, we should name the other one after an angel. He's no more angelic for it. Mr. Uri Little Man Golden Boy |
| Today is the day before Fall Break. Which doesn't mean much to us that work in the library, but you can sense it in the air. Plus the fact we just aren't that busy at all tonight. Fall Break's been cut back to just one day because the students didn't want Saturday finals at the end of the semester. All the same, a lot of students have made plans for the three day weekend. It just leaves us utterly bored. I keep looking at the clock. That doesn't speed up time any. Not at all. I only have about half an hour left, but it's been slow going getting here. I have been working on my story though, but the anticipation of getting off of work is stronger. After all my weekend also starts in half an hour. Being cold and hungry doesn't help. But I did finish a chapter. Yay! In fact, I finished two chapters this week. So that's a lot better than I've been doing lately with my writing. I swear, some days it's just so tempting to tell the students I'm leaving early. I don't think anyone would rat me out. Damn my ethics. Benn called me tonight from work. He's having a miserable time of it. So, I'm a little concerned about him too. He applied for a job here at the library, but I've basically been told he's not being considered. I don't think normally that would bug him so much, but right now he's really hating work so I think it's hurting him a bit more than it would normally. I try to encourage him to look for other jobs. I know there's not many out there, but I would have thought he might have found something by now. I feel bad because I took the time to get my MLIS and right now, it would be difficult for him to go back to school. I think he's in such a foul mood because he's stuck with a co-worker he hates and suspects that he will be stuck with tomorrow too. *sigh* I had no idea what to say over the phone. If it had been in person I could at least hug and touch him. I just want to beat my head against the desk because time is moving so damn slow. I don't know how that would help except that I may pass out, but with my luck it would be only for thirty seconds... |
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