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Rated: GC · Book · Personal · #1429181
Now my story begins in nineteen-dickety-two...
2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
-Breathe(2AM), Anna Nalick

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

For Daddy, the real world gets fainter and fainter every day.
-Homer Simpson Homer, Please Don't Hammer 'Em



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If we shadows have offended,/Think but this, and all is mended,/That you have but slumber'd here/While these visions did appear./And this weak and idle theme,/No more yielding but a dream...
-William Shakespeare, A Midsummer's Night Dream
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July 25, 2009 at 6:31pm
July 25, 2009 at 6:31pm
#660819
Since I need a premium membership to do a photo album on WDC, here's a link to some of the pictures I took in Florida. Now, I just need to figure out how to get them onto my iTouch so my Mom can see them as my parents have no computer and therefore no way to get on the interwebs....

https://www.photoshop.com/user/sephina
July 23, 2009 at 9:06pm
July 23, 2009 at 9:06pm
#660583
(So, no comments about the skinny dipping mentioned in the last entry. Hm... )

We left Saturday for Florida, but before we got too far, Lindsey wanted to stop in Dayton, Ohio to play a LARP called Triumph. LARP stands for Live Action Role Playing. It's a mix between a normal role playing game and improvisational theater. The theater aspect is how Greg seduced me into the whole thing long ago when I was an innocent college student.(Why isn't there a halo emoticon...) The LARP I'm used to is a modern day setting filled with vampires, werewolves (and other were animals), fae, mages, wraiths, but mostly it was about the vamps and wolves. Triumph is different as it's set in medieval type fantasy world. You can play human, elf, cat-people, and I think lizard people. Another difference between the two games is that the vampire LARP fights were resolved by your characters traits and abilities and a game of rock-paper-scissors. But the vampire game was supposed to be more about the storytelling and role-play than the battles. Triumph on the other hand, is more battle oriented. And the players use Nerf-like weapons to decide the outcome of fights. Despite that, they did seem more into the actual role-playing than the people at the vamp LARP. *shrug* I guess if you have to drive two hours or more to Dayton so you can role-play, you must be serious about it.

The game occurred at a park and Lindsey took me to a shelter that they called Logistics. The closest thing I can equate it to is backstage at a theater production. One of Lindsey's friends was in charge of Logistics. She worked with the storytellers and sent out NPCs (NPC stands for Non-player character. These characters serve to further the storyteller's plot lines and in most cases are the antagonists of the player characters.) when the scheduled events were supposed to happen. That is another difference between this LARP and the vamp one. Triumph has a core of players who play various NPCs throughout the day. In my LARP, the storytellers pretty much did all the NPC work. If you play the game as a NPC, you get to play for free. Since I was just a tag along, I became part of the NPC group. Which was a lot of fun. Most people don't want to play NPCs because you are the second bit character and you have little freedom to develop said character. But being able to play someone different throughout the day was a lot of fun. I don't know the world well enough to be inspired to come up with a player character.

Logistics was filled with clothes and make-up and I was found a costume to wear for my first bit part. It was raining for most of the day, and I'm surprised they had no problem wearing their costumes out in the rain. Usually outfits like that cost a good deal of money. I have some outfits that would work for the LARP, but I'd be afraid of exposing them to the rain. Then again, where else are you going to wear something like that?

The actual game was occurring in a different, bigger shelter a little bit away from Logistics. Lindsey went off to play her character for the last time. She has retired the character because she felt that her story had concluded and that was why she wanted to go to this game, to see her character off. She will be returning as a NPC in the next game, I believe.

Much like the previous Saturday, I spent most of the day very wet and stained another pair of socks blue. *Rolleyes* But my feet weren't nearly as badly stained. I believe I spent about half of July being soaked. Despite the rain, I enjoyed myself. I got to play one of many wives married to a cult leader trying to get the players to eat chocolate covered strawberries. They were tainted with a potion that made the person happy, but the wives didn't know that. Good strawberries though. We probably ate more than the players. Then I played a reporter or sorts and a merchant. My favorite was playing a villager who thought she had enough sword training to take on Orcs. That was hilarious.

The game usually runs once a month. I think in the colder months they don't play and they do play on-line a little bit. I think it's something Benn would enjoy. The next game is Aug. 8 and 9. It's going to be an overnight game. The weird thing is, Lindsey is having a camping out birthday party for her and Greg on the same dates. It's supposed to be somewhere between Indy and Dayton. I suspect it's so she can go to Dayton more easily while we sleep. One thing I learned about Lindsey is that she plans things on the fly. I always thought she was one to put more thought into things. Not a big deal, just a bit of a surprise. But Benn arranged to have those days off, so I traded Justin a Friday for a Sunday. Which gives us both one three day weekend and one, one day weekend.

Anyway, here is a link to Triumph's webpage if you're curious: http://triumph.pressnells.net/
They have a gallery and there's one for July 11, the game I was at. I think I'm just in the the last two group pictures. But there's so many people in the shot, there's no way I could tell you how to find me.
Lindsey on the other hand: http://triumph.pressnells.net/index.php?option=com_joomgallery&func=detail&id=95...
She's the only woman in the picture.
And this is Megan who I met at Greg's 4th Party. Although she is in cat make-up, but she did a wonderful job with it. And it must have been waterproof. http://triumph.pressnells.net/index.php?option=com_joomgallery&func=detail&id=97...
This is her fiance whom could not attend the party at Greg's. http://triumph.pressnells.net/index.php?option=com_joomgallery&func=detail&id=97...
Which I know means little to you all, but his costume is pretty neat.

Everyone there was nice and wonderful and people I would like to be friends with, except for one person. She worked in the tavern and was just a bitch. I went to get something to drink and they had these huge tanks of liquid. Two I knew were water because Lindsey and I had filled them earlier, but the other two, I didn't know what it was so I asked. The bitch answered full of spite, "It's water. We don't have money for anything else."
Fine, I say to myself. Maybe a lot of people complain about only having water. I told her I just wanted to know what it was before I tapped it. I just want to know what I'm drinking. I'm crazy like that.
After my last NPC assignment, I was told the game was going to be called at 6 and they started packing up Logistics. So, I put my street clothes on, took my umbrella and headed back towards the tavern. The tavern bitch said having a umbrella was a bit unfair and wondered why I had my normal clothes on. I told her I wasn't playing. She then scolded me for not having an orange ribbon on anywhere. The orange ribbon signifies that you're out of character. Well, no one bothered to tell me that. I had deduced that, but I didn't think it was a huge deal since the game was about to end. I told her the game was supposed to be over soon. She tries to argue with me that the game isn't over because of this and that. I just say, that's what I was told. And my other NPC people weren't wearing the damn ribbons either. The tavern bitch could have been nice about all this info since I was a newbie, but no, she had to be an ass. I told Lindsey about her and she said that the tavern bitch was a psycho, so I guess that's why she's stuck in the tavern. There is a picture of her in the gallery, but I feel it would be wrong to point her out. She's the one thing that would make me not want to come back. It just goes to show, how one nasty person can ruin a great wonderful thing. So if there's a psycho bitch in your organization, you should probably hide her from the newbies.

Another thing that was neat about the game was at the end, they all sat down and sang. The bards actually did what bards are supposed to do. Not everyone could sing, but that didn't matter. I still found it very nice.

Lindsey has eclectic taste in music. I thought I was eclectic. But I did enjoy her music, so maybe I really am. She had groups that sang pirate/sailor songs and other medieval-esque songs. She played the music from Wicked. She told me the musical was good, but the book sucked. I believe I've heard that opinion before. Hearing the music did make me want to see it. I was a bit disappointed to find out that it used the movie version of The Wizard of Oz and not the actual book.

Now, when Lindsey had mentioned this Triumph detour on the 4th, she said a couple of hours. We were there until after 6. Then we ended up eating dinner with the players and didn't leave until about 9. We were Kentucky at about 2 or 3 in the morning when we decided to stop a hotel for the night. Which I think made the trip next day suck all the more, but we had fun. Georgia is just a huge freakin' state to drive through. I found a new name for Una. Unadilla. It's the name of some town in Georgia. Since Raish's name got turned into Lord Raishington, I thought it only fitting that Miss Una should have an upgrade.

I'll probably do an entry on St. Augustine next. I hope to have some pictures up soon, but I'm really dragging my feet since I've gotten back. And it seems like my next few weekends are going to be busy. Tomorrow we're supposed to go see B in Indy and my parents are actually coming to town on Saturday. My brother-in-law is graduating. I'm not going to the graduation, but I am going to go eat with them. I can't believe I had to give Dad that idea. Hey do you think since we're coming to town to see one daughter, it might be a good idea to see the other one? Then next weekend, Dad is going to bring down the furniture I left at home for our spare room.(*Angry* Which reminds me about Craig, but that's another entry.) Then I think that brings us to the 8 and 9.

When did I get a life?
July 21, 2009 at 5:51pm
July 21, 2009 at 5:51pm
#660209
We arrived at our campsite at about 8:30ish PM on Sunday evening. Once we got the campsite set, we headed out to the beach. Lindsey couldn't wait to go see it again. It was fully dark when we drove up to the concession/beach store which was closed. But there was a covered eating area that was lit and had wi/fi. There were three adolescent boys using their laptops. Two of them were gaming which we found amusing.

I followed Lindsey out to the boardwalk and onto the beach. The sand is much softer than the sand we have around our lakes here in Indiana. I loved it. Not so much that I enjoyed tracking it everywhere and being coated in it during the whole trip...

As soon as the the pathway opened up to the beach, I heard the ocean. It filled my ears and was deafening. Staring out into the dark horizon, it was one of the scariest experiences of my life. Now, I could see the whiteness of the waves cresting, but that did little to soothe me. I had no idea how we couldn't have heard it sooner. I'm not sure what I was scared of. Maybe it was the fact that it was so loud and I knew it was so big, but I couldn't see it that frightened me. While I was afraid, I was also filled with awe. It was awesome, but not in the way awesome is normally used today as another word for 'cool'. It was powerful and I was an insufficient speck barely visible in the starlight.

I continued to follow Lindsey closer to the shore despite the fear and eventually the fear subsided and the sound of the waves became more soothing than frightening. There were a couple of nights that I could hear the ocean from our campsite, and I enjoyed listening to it as I fell asleep. She told me to roll up my pants and we waded along the shoreline. The water was warm. We came upon a guy standing on the shore and watching the ocean. His friends were out swimming in it. It was so dark, I didn't notice the guy until we were only a few feet away. I couldn't even see his friends in the ocean. Lindsey started talking to him. She's the type that has no problem with just striking up conversations with strangers. The guy was German and he was traveling with his friends to some place further south in Florida. They had only stopped at St. Augustine for the night.

Rushing out into the dark waters seemed like a wonderful idea to Lindsey, so she took off her shorts and dove in, only wearing her tank top and underwear. After a few moments, she came back with cuts on her arms from the crushed seashells. We left shortly after and returned on Monday to spend the day at the beach.

The ocean during the day wasn't scary at all. Lindsey had gone out earlier for a jog along the beach and returned saying the dangerous animal flag was up at the beach. She said we'd have to ask what that meant exactly. It used to mean an abnormal amount of dangerous animals had come close to shore. I guess storms often bring up jellyfish. When we asked the ranger, he said they always had to have that flag up. Much like places that serve coffee have to warn the customers that coffee is hot. *Confused* It's law to fly the flag whether it's to avoid a lawsuit or because someone actually complained, I have no idea. So, if you go to the ocean, be warned, there are dangerous animals out there. *Rolleyes*

My first swim in the ocean reminded me of the wave pool at one of the water parks I had gone to in the past. But better. I knew the ocean was salty, but I wasn't prepared for how salty. My stars, it was salty. It reminded me of making salt water to ease sore throats. Bleck. And it didn't leave my mouth for a good while. Even if it hadn't lingered, it would have been refreshed later by a different wave. Sometimes those waves snuck up on you, lest you forget the ocean is a harsh bitch goddess. We got a boogie board, but I never did get the hang of it. But I did love being among the waves.

Lindsey informed me that later that night we were going to skinny dip in the ocean. *Shock* What worried me most about that, wasn't the fact that I'd be naked, it was the fact that the ocean is scary at night. Once it was dark, we drove back to the beach. She was surprised that I went along with it. I'm more of a wild child than I let on, I suppose. Maybe that's one reason I'm depressed so often, is because my wildness is often suppressed.

It wasn't as dark as it had been the previous night. There were clouds and it reflected the light pollution of the nearby cities. Still it did not deteour us. Basically, we just stripped and ran out there and ran back. It was night so, I didn't want to go too far into the ocean. There were other people on the beach, but it was still too dark to really see anyone. Although, my pale, pasty body could have glowed like a ghost out there. Which actually sounds kind of cool being surrounded by water and appearing as a ghost.

Throughout the week, we swam and took walks on the beach. One morning we got up early enough to watch the sunrise over the ocean. We went for a nightly walk on Friday night and that was my favorite one of all. It could have still been considered twilight when we went out there. And I kept thinking that the Celtics believed there was a lot of magic in the inbetweens. Like twilight and where the ocean meets the shore. It was a cloudless night, so we could see the stars clearly without light pollution. It was the first time I felt that tingle of magic since I arrived. I had appreciated the beauty and loved the environment, but I lacked that tingle and spark that I had hoped for.

There's much more I could say about the ocean and our trip, but that'll have to wait for other entries and pictures.

July 19, 2009 at 10:12pm
July 19, 2009 at 10:12pm
#659966
I'm back home again in Indiana. *Pthb* We got in about 1:30ish in the morning. I'm still very tired, and won't be doing a detailed entry about my vacation tonight. I had a wonderful time, but I didn't sleep very well while I was there. Every night it felt like I dreamed all night and got no rest because of it. Even last night in my own bed, next to my wonderful hubby it seemed like all I did was dream. The dreams were interesting, especially last night, but I'd like to get a good night's sleep soon. I don't know why the dreams, but I suspect the lack of a good rest may have several reasons. I didn't have my sleep apnea machine, it was hot and in strange place. No matter what, it always seemed like I had sand on my air mattress. My sleeping schedule changed a tad. I went to sleep a bit sooner than normal. After all, when you're camping you're pretty much at the mercy of daylight. We could have hung out in St. Augustine later in the night, but most of the shops and such closed early. And Lindsey is a school teacher so her schedule is different than mine.

I'm going to try to stay up until my normal bedtime, but I'm not going to be very productive. Plus, I have the shuffle to do for the fantasy board anyway at midnight. It's actually ready to go, I'm just updating if anyone gets a review in before midnight. This will be the first time I fall on red list on fantasy. I've had plenty of time to do a review, but like I said, I'm tired.

I hope to have more details and pictures of my vacation up soon. Really, it was long and wonderful and it felt sooo good to leave everything behind. Lindsey wants to make this a yearly thing. She used to live in Jacksonville and often misses the ocean. Since we have a year to plan for it, there's a chance we can have more people go, including our hubbies. *Smile* I do miss walking on the beach. If I lived near a beach, I don't think I'd have any problems getting in daily exercise. But maybe if I lived so close, I would eventually take it for granted and it wouldn't be so neat. *shrug* Who knows. I have no desire to move down to Florida. There are things I wish I could mix and match about Florida and Indiana. I like our tress better. We have more lighting bugs. Florida has cute little lizards running around everywhere and a ocean. But both states have bastard squirrels.*Smirk* Maybe one of the northeastern states would have a nice combination of all that. The bastard squirrels are not a requirement, just an observation....
July 8, 2009 at 5:43pm
July 8, 2009 at 5:43pm
#658306
Arg! I'm so very tired and I'm only half-way through my work day. They're working me like a dog since my vacation is next week. I'm working with storage books. Again. Just moving around cart load after cart load of books really wears a person out. But imagining that I'll be off on a beach somewhere next week helps.

I'm definitely going to have to get caffeine on my lunch break.

I borrowed a cooler, air mattress and first aid kit from my sister. I picked those up this morning and then went to Target to see about getting one of those cloth folding chair things, bug spray and sunscreen. The only chair that they had that I liked was bright fucking pink. No other color. And while a part of me sometimes likes pink things, and chooses them to be a little obnoxious, this time I really would prefer something not so bright. I decided to check Meijer later when I go to get food.

So, onto the sunscreen. I haven't bought sunscreen in years, because I rarely go out long enough to need it. The American Skin Cancer Association makes it sound like you should stay coated in it 24/7. Anyway, I couldn't find a big bottle of it. There were these tiny, prissy bottles that were expensive as hell. Especially since I'd need more than one bottle. I only found one brand that had the American Skin Cancer approval thing on it. I don't know how important that really is, but still, I'd think more products would have it. So I decided to wait until I went to Meijer. Again.

I did get bug spray. It was reasonably priced.

We're packing up Lindsey's car on Friday night so we can just take off on Saturday morning. It feels like I'm running out of time to get things together.
July 6, 2009 at 9:50pm
July 6, 2009 at 9:50pm
#658043
I don't know if the anonymous person who gave me a gift of a customicon reads my blog, but if they do, thank you very much!
July 6, 2009 at 8:32pm
July 6, 2009 at 8:32pm
#658026
Well, I haven't mentioned it yet, because the plans haven't sounded finalized until this past weekend. In my June 16th entry, I mentioned something about taking a vacation somewhere else, well the next day my friend posted something on our message board saying she was going to Florida to a state park she used to live by. She wanted to know if anyone could go with her and all they had to pay for was food and help out with gas. She's an old friend I don't get to see much anymore so I wasn't sure if she wanted me tagging along, but I couldn't let this opportunity pass. I did get to see her at the fourth of July party and she doesn't seem upset about me going along at all. I'm really too self conscience, I know.

So on Saturday we're leaving, stopping in Dayton so she can go do something in this role-playing game. (I get to be NPC number 32!) It's one of those games where everyone dresses their parts and have these huge camp outs all weekend. Apparently one of the girls I met last Saturday is going to be there, so I'm looking forward to seeing her again. Hey, she gave me socks when my feet were cold and she knew my shoes would turn them blue. She's got a lot of points in my book. *Smile* Since Lindsey seems so friendly with her, I kinda hope maybe she ends up going on the trip too, but I kinda doubt it.

Anyway, after she's done in Dayton, we're going to a hotel in Georgia to spend the night before continuing on to St. Augustine. She got a campsite down there and it's near the beach. From what she said, it's practically on the beach. I'm so excited because I've never seen the ocean nor been further south then Tennessee. I'm going to love seeing the mountains again, but driving through them made me a little nervous. But I was in junior high the last time I was there. My parents took us to Dollywood and Gatlinburg, TN. One of the things I remember most about that trip was the swimming pool at the hotel, because it was outside and the hotel was surrounded by mountains. And it was just awesome to float and look up at them.

I'm so excited, I think I'm making my stomach hurt. I'm busily trying to plan everything I need to take with me and deciding what sort of foodstuffs to take. I don't know if she plans on eating out much when we're there.

There's also several historical things down there to see, and the history major in me is really excited about that too.

I'm a little disappointed because Benn can't come, but Lindsey isn't bringing her husband either. But they're used to being apart more than we are.

Of course, there's always the worried side of me worried about something going terribly wrong. But the excitement is winning out, which makes my worried side even more suspicious. *Rolleyes*

I'm liking being the one able to say, 'At this time next week, I'll be on the beach!'. *hehe*
July 5, 2009 at 1:23pm
July 5, 2009 at 1:23pm
#657832
I had one of the best fourth of Julys I've ever had yesterday. It rained all day, despite what those charlatan meteorologists said. But one of our old friend(Greg) invited us to a shin dig he was throwing. He's a state cop so this is the first fourth he's had off in years. I didn't think he had been a cop that long, but I guess so. Despite the rain, we swim in his grandparents pond and played volleyball. The pond had no nastiness whatsoever. When I swim in a pond or lake, I expect some kind of ickiness if it's just a little. But there was no nasty smell or anything.

Greg invited recent friends of his as well, which made me apprehensive at first, but I really liked a couple of them. Not that I didn't like the others, I just didn't a get a chance to interact with them much. Some of Greg's family was there too, but I've met some of them before. Benn and Greg have known each other since they were teenagers, and I mentioned in an entry long ago, I knew friends of Greg in college. So, I'm not unknown in their area. In fact, I once went to some Christmas party Greg's family had at his grandparents years ago, so I've even been out to his grandparents before.

It was nice to be part of a group of friends again. I wish we could hang out with some of the new people we met. But everyone there was from some other part of the state. Not to far off, but not really feasible for us to hang out a lot. We haven't even seen Greg for a really long time. All the same, I'm grateful for a day like yesterday.

To explain the title, since it was so wet yesterday, my navy blue shoes got drenched, so the dye soaked through my socks onto my feet. And I still haven't been able to get my feet totally clean. When I woke up this morning, my heel hurt so bad, I was limping. But it got better as I walked around some. Still hurts though. I have no idea what I did yesterday to make it hurt so.

I like volleyball, but I don't know how it ever got popular. It hurts to serve the ball, it hurts to bump it, and jumping up to set it causes me to hurt my shoulders because I overreach trying to get it. I know many may say I'm not doing it right then, but even when I'm sure I've done it right, it still stings.

On the way home, I noticed my face hurt from smiling too much. I'm still smiling. I don't know if that's sad because I should be smiling more or if yesterday was just an extraordinary day.
July 1, 2009 at 8:51pm
July 1, 2009 at 8:51pm
#657404
So, I'm finally revising Apple and I'm working on this tension filled scene. I'm trying to get the mood right and putting myself in my character's shoes, feeling what she is and the cry of a child breaks the moment. It was kinda like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dP-TeMshOj0&feature=PlayList&p=A9CEBF7C66190B4C&p...

In an academic library, one doesn't encounter a child's squeal too often. It can cut through me like a drill. I'm not angry. I just have to work on getting back into the scene again. Convince my characters and my muse that everything is all right and it's safe to come out again. Like trying to convince my cats to come out from under the couch after we vacuum...

June 29, 2009 at 12:27pm
June 29, 2009 at 12:27pm
#657105
I guess for the past month, maybe a bit longer, I've been spiraling into depression. On the 17th, I attempted to write the first poem I've written in a long, long while. It's set to private, because I didn't want to draw a bunch of attention to myself and have a bunch of people worried I was going to off myself. It's not finished anyway. I was finding it hard to work on my writing beyond my own normal laziness. Nothing seemed to interest me or matter. I was overeating more so than usual. I couldn't think of any good reason to get out of bed and when I went to bed at night, I didn't want to sleep without the TV on. Which may not be unusual, but lately, I only do that if I'm not feeling well emotionally. I guess it's to distract me from my thoughts as I drift off to sleep.

It must have all come to a head on Saturday morning. It was a day Benn had to go to work, and the thought of having a whole day by myself was a scary and daunting thought. Mostly because his shifts are 12 hours. I needed to go do things like get cat food and precipitation refills, but I had zero interest in leaving the house. Benn realized there was something wrong and asked if I wanted him to stay home. I did, but I know how much his work doesn't like them calling in, even though they have sick pay. Even if he has an excused absence they still write him up for it. While I've been feeling bad these past few weeks, I keep thinking I'm selfish for feeling that way. Having him stay home because I was moody seemed way too selfish. He asked several times as I was cleaning my teapot, and I couldn't stop from crying. I tried to hide it from him. But the very last time he asked me as he headed for the door, I couldn't answer without my voice cracking. I just couldn't. So, he did call in. I'm glad he did, but I don't know what the repercussions at his work will be. He went back yesterday, and they didn't say anything, but he thinks they may be holding off. He called our doctor to see if he could get a doctor's excuse. He can, but I have to go the doctor and talk to her about what happened. I made an appointment for Wednesday.

On Saturday, I was asking myself what would have happened if he hadn't stayed home. I wouldn't kill myself. I don't want to die. But just hurting myself? Well, I'm more than capable of that. I hate saying that, because it sounds like I'm really fucked up. Maybe I am. As much as I know that depression is a legitimate medical condition, I can't help but think I should just be able to get over it.

The last two days, I've been feeling much better. But we'll see how today goes. For some reason, after lunch at work, I'm more easily prone to getting depressed. Actually, I think I know what it is. I know I've complained about the night staff going into the back and talking and not being helpful up front. That is annoying, but it's something I can overlook. What may upset me more, is being left out. Justin used to come up and front and talk more. But since April got hired, that happens less. Then there's this other guy named Mike. He and April have become chummy since he got hired. And he'll talk to me occasionally, but most of the time he'll ask me something and listen to my first sentence and start talking about something else. Which makes me think he's really not interested in being my friend. He just wants a chance to talk. It's not just him that talks over me. There are times when they do come out front, and they'll end up interrupting me or stop listening to me and talk about something else. So, yeah, not a big confidence builder there.

One of the major side effects of the birth control I'm taking is depression. It's right up there with the whole stroke and heart attack thing about seeking immediate medical attention.

Like I said, thus far I'm feeling better. I'm not so far gone I haven't found moments of amusement and such. But I guess seeing the doctor on Wednesday may help get things sorted out. I'm inclined to think that she won't blame the birth control. What I don't get, is that there's all these warnings on birth control about side effects, but when I mention them to doctors, they wave it off like it's unlikely. But to my current doctor's credit, she did check out the possibility earlier this year when I was having chest pains. Since taking the anxiety meds, I haven't had those problems. She may just end up sending me to a counselor. Even with insurance I don't know if we could afford that. The university offers free counseling students and employees. But it sounds like for employees it's more about drug abuse and such. It used to be 12 sessions only for free. I used it as a student for career counseling. I don't think it did me much good. *sigh*

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