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 |  Now my story begins in nineteen-dickety-two... |
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2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me, Threatening the life it belongs to And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud And I know that you'll use them, however you want to -Breathe(2AM), Anna Nalick ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** For Daddy, the real world gets fainter and fainter every day. -Homer Simpson Homer, Please Don't Hammer 'Em ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
If we shadows have offended,/Think but this, and all is mended,/That you have but slumber'd here/While these visions did appear./And this weak and idle theme,/No more yielding but a dream... -William Shakespeare, A Midsummer's Night Dream |
| I'm cooking something up... |
| I haven't done an entry in a few days. I wish I could say more about Benn's situation, but we still don't know anything. The doctor's office sent an estimate to the insurance company yesterday of how much the surgery would cost. But that's all we know at this point. Benn's work was supposed to pay their employees last Friday. But they were told that they couldn't be paid until Monday. Well, on Monday, they were told they wouldn't have the pay checks until today. I have no idea if they came in today or not. It isn't so bad for us as workman's comp paid half that paycheck already, but it would be nice to have the other half. I just don't understand what could be holding up their pay. I used to work for a payroll company, and it seems like these guys are unprofessional about the whole thing. You just don't mess with people's pay. You do whatever you can to get it to them on time. Period. But at least Benn is getting paid through workman's comp at the moment. I had a decent birthday weekend. Not much to say about it though. Benn was more mobile on Saturday then he's been in awhile. He was still on crutches, he was just moving around more. It may have been too much too quick, as he was sore the next day. He actually went grocery shopping with me and didn't use one of those motorized carts. That's all I've got time for at the moment. |
| So we know what's wrong with Benn's leg now. Finally. He has two bone bruises and the cartilage in his knee has been shredded. On the night he fell, his knee cap was dislocated, but Benn was able to slide it back in place although, he had no idea that was what he was doing at the time. He was just trying to make his knee feel better. And on an interesting note, Benn had hurt the same knee sixteen years ago and had to have surgery for it. But the doctor assured him that there was no way that the old injury caused this current issue. Anyway, when he had the surgery one of his ligaments had been taken out and the doctor was amazed that he had not had any issues with his knee because of it. He does need surgery for the cartilage, but first workman's comp has to approve it. *sigh* We've been told that the surgery can happen pretty quickly once they okay it. It's going to be awhile before he can go back to work. If he didn't work at a juvenile prison, he could go back before he's healed. Workman's comp is paying 66% of his salary. So that's something. And while I was waiting for Benn in the doctor's office, they had CNN on that was showing the live health care summit going on. I just found that somewhat... amusing is the wrong word I think, but so is ironic. Something along those lines. But I mostly read my book. Then I came to work, where we had ice cream for my birthday. |
| So I guess the MRI people were supposed to schedule Benn for a followup appointment before we left on Monday. Grrr. Benn called the doctor today and set one up for tomorrow. I wonder if he becomes addicted to the pain medication if we can sue someone or have workman's comp pay for rehab. This running around is ridiculous. Benn was happy because he could put down his foot just a smidgen more than he could before. It could be his imagination. But I hope it's a sign that what's wrong with his knee won't need surgery. Guess we should know tomorrow. If you couldn't tell by now, the title of the entry is sarcasm. I'm really starting to hate Februaries. To be fair, the last bad one was about two years ago. My birthday is in two days. I just don't see it being very joyous. Besides the normal, I'm-not-a-kid-anymore-so-birthdays-kinda-suck-now. We have evaluations this month at work, and I should be happy as I got a good review. I am happy about that. Even though odds of getting a raise aren't very good right now. And that's putting it mildly. I guess I'm just waiting for things to go bad again. I'm really trying to focus on the good. Even if things go bad, there's no use in letting it pull down your mood. For some reason the song from Life of Brian is going through my head right now... \ |
| Something has happened that I'd very much like to do an entry about, but I think it's going to have to wait. I don't think I have the time at the moment to give it the attention I would want to. It has nothing to do with Benn's knee... well, maybe not. I'm wondering about the fates' design at the moment. At any rate, he's getting his MRI tomorrow. So, a little bit closer to getting him healed. After the MRI we should at least know what needs to be done. I actually got some decent writing done this weekend. Not the amount I used to do, but it's a start. I have a good feeling this time. When this year started, I had a bad feeling about it. When Benn hurt his knee, I thought maybe that was it. But now the something I mentioned above is going on which isn't exactly a happy event, but I believe it will ultimately lead to good things. I no longer have that bad feeling. Some people would dismiss such feelings. I don't doubt that we have some sort of sixth sense, but if all I get is a bad or good feeling it doesn't always do me much good. If you don't the details of the badness coming, what good does the bad feeling do me except make me worry? I'm sure some would say that I would need to find a way to hone the feelings. Maybe. At any rate, I'm fine right now. I'm happy with the writing I've accomplished this weekend. I'm cautiously optimistic.  |
The doctor told Benn that he needed a MRI to tell what exactly was wrong. Duh. It's pretty much what the ER told us, but because of workman's comp, he needed to see the doctor first. Now we have to wait for the insurance company to okay the MRI.  Benn got a call saying that now he's being switched to another department or company for the insurance and if we don't hear from them by tomorrow, he's supposed to call. I was hoping if we couldn't get the MRI today we would at least get an appointment set for tomorrow. Silly me. Why do I have a feeling if we had universal health care that this wouldn't be an issue? Anyway, don't want to get started on that issue. The doctor says it could be a number of things wrong with his knee. Only one of those things wouldn't result in surgery. I'm thinking our odds against surgery aren't very high. *sigh* I want him to get well, but surgery is always a scary thing. Even the most routine surgeries can be botched and lead to death. I know the statistics for that aren't high, but if you're in the small percentage, who the hell cares? Still nothing is 100% safe. I'm not nearly as tired as I thought I'd be. But we had a rush here at work and I think it woke me up a bit. I'm still feeling rather sleepy. At least it's my last day of work for week. And never mind I have to do the grocery shopping, laundry and cleaning this weekend. *sigh* I wonder if I could convince my mother to come and take care of us for awhile.  |
| I've been so very tired this week, and I don't know why. I don't think having a hurt husband should account for it, but that's the only thing that's changed in the past week. Benn's going to see a doctor at the orthopedic clinic tomorrow. Finally. Having to work with workman's comp people is kinda annoying. I just think he should be on his way to healing by now. His appointment is at 9:30 which is going to suck. Lately, I'm lucky to get up before eleven. For going to bed at about 1-2AM, that isn't a big deal I suppose. I'm just used to getting up sooner. It really cuts down on the free time I have in the mornings. This week, I still feel tired even after I wake up. By the time I get to work, I'm usually rather grouchy. But the grouchiness goes away a bit as the day goes on, but I'm still tired. I'm not if I had the day off tomorrow if that would help. So I didn't bother to push for it. But depending on how his doctor's visit goes, I could see where I may be late for work anyway. Luckily, my work is more understanding about such things than Benn's. *sigh* This constant snow doesn't help either. It's like winter realizes it's almost over and wants to bombard as all at once. Maybe if I just think tomorrow I won't be tired, it won't suck, it'll be true... |
| I saw this article on CNN today and it offered some hope to my recent frustrations with writing. http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/worklife/02/16/o.procrastinator.or.incubator/inde... The only thing is, I don't know if my work is superior. And as a writer who does not yet have deadlines set by agents and publishers it's kinda hard to tell. Although, as a student, I did put off papers longer than I should have and I mostly got As and Bs. I don't really have deadlines at work to compare to. My work is usually so easy it's not hard to get it done on time if I did have deadlines. Still, something to ponder. |
| I wouldn't call it writer's block. I wouldn't call it laziness. I've been staring at my latest chapter and it's like pulling teeth to get out each new line. I know where the chapter is going. I see it my head and I'm rather excited about it. I just can't quite translate it from my head to the computer. I reached a part where it's my hero's turn to speak, so now I'm trying to think of how he would say what he wants to say. I even have music in my head for this scene. We need a new word, but I can't get this chapter out let alone think of a new word. I wish there was a way to telepathically get the images and stuff from head to the computer. But if you could do that, I suppose you might as well make it a movie. Think how weird it would be to be able to tell stories to one another telepathically. *sigh* I'll have to settle for a more traditional route for now. And try not to bang my head against the desk. By the way, this pretty much sums up: http://www.famouspoetsandpoems.com/poets/erica_jong/poems/2863.html |
| I'm tired, which should come to no surprise if you've been reading my blog on Sundays. Although, I have a better excuse than usual this time. I tried to go bed earlier last night. I really did. But I just lay there, staring into the darkness. Or as dark as it can get with the streetlights shining through on the blind's edges. I wasn't depressed. I wasn't angry. Just pensive and restless. I think most of the other times I end up depressed is when I'm feeling restless and something tips the scales towards depression. But I knew I had to try to sleep because I had to be at work this morning. So, I didn't do anything except go back downstairs. Benn has been sleeping in the living room since he hurt his knee. I made a pallet on the floor to lie next to him when he chose to go to sleep. I had wanted to do something while I laid there, but nothing sounded very good. I knew sleeping on the floor wasn't a great idea, although, it makes getting up easier. When I have to sleep on the floor, whatever hip I'm laying on starts to hurt and I have to change positions a lot. Sometimes it's my shoulders as well as my hips. But I miss sleeping next to my husband. I just don't get why he's still sleeping in the living room. He's been upstairs a few times to take baths. He even slept in the bed one night. *shrug* I think the cats were a bit put off by the situation as it was highly unusual. So they were little pains throughout the night. The thing was, I was tired, but just couldn't fall asleep. It happened earlier in the day too. I thought I was tired enough for a nap, but I couldn't fall asleep either. I very rarely have issues falling asleep.I hope this isn't a start of a new trend. The last few days have probably been a bit more stressful on me than usual. Since Benn is hurt, I'm doing all the housework where as before he would do his share of it too. In addition to taking care of him as best as I can. The thing is, I really don't think it's that much more work. But maybe it's enough to raise my stress levels a bit. It's not easy for him either. He doesn't want to go out. I can't exactly blame him for that. Given that there's still snow on the ground, I would be afraid to try to walk somewhere on crutches. He was getting depressed. He was sad that no one had called him or contacted him to see how he was doing. So, I sent a message to our friends and family encouraging them to call him or give him a message. Just about everyone responded. His mother mentioned coming down today since I was at work. I don't think she well, because Benn kind of told her it wasn't necessary. I know it would be nice if our friends just knew when to call, but sometimes you just don't know when you're needed. I think it says a lot that responded when I asked. They didn't have to. And one of them took me to get our car from Benn's work place. That kind of thing can say more than just a 'get well'. I don't think his knee is improving. I suppose on the seventh day it could miraculously get better. I doubt it. I doubted it when the ER doctor told us to wait for seven days. But we've heard from the work comp people so hopefully, that will continue to go smoothly. So I guess this is what I get for having a nice, relaxing three day weekend last week. |
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