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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/vamp_cat/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/29
Review Requests: OFF
2,441 Public Reviews Given
4,528 Total Reviews Given
I'm good at...
You'll get a mixture of proofreading and editing advice. I generally do a line by line.
Favorite Genres
Horror, fantasy, Sci-fi.
Least Favorite Genres
Do not care for works that straight dramas.
Favorite Item Types
Micro fiction, flash fiction, short stories, and chapters.
Least Favorite Item Types
I know little of poetry and I do not care for straight dramas.
I will not review...
I review most things.
Public Reviews
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701
701
Review of Jon-Jon's Peace  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you so much for entering my contest Cat Tails. I will of course read everything again after the closing of the contest. I like to read things through out. Often at the end of the contest, if I recall the story's plot then I know it was effective.

Feel free to make changes I may suggest or not. It is not a requirement of the contest.

~~~



The cat sat silently in the window sill, watching as she got into the yellow car.

Consider

Silently, the cat sat in the window sill, watching as she got into the yellow car.




Her voice floated through his dreams as his eyes closed and he continued to occupy the sunlit sill.

Eyes closed. Through his dreams, her voice floated as he continued to occupy the sunlit sill.





He sniffed the air and gave a soft whuff! as he sneezed the musty smell from his sensitive nose.

As




Once in a while he would smell her scent. A little bit stronger on a particular piece of clothing or something, but mostly her scent was disappearing from the house.


Her scent was disappearing from the house. Once in a while he would smell her scent. A little bit stronger on a particular piece of clothing or something.



It was a sweet tale.

702
702
Review of Fate  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)

Six and I was in front of the yard sale owners door.


I think it should be owner's.


Other than that, not too shabby.


Alice ~ floating in deep cold water.
703
703
Review of The Uninvited Hat  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*The room fills with a deep evil laugh.* "Whahahaaa."

*I swop down on to the floor and plop on to my chair to greedily read your entry.*

"Dart, he entered, and he wrote about a hat."

A voice in my head speaks in scratchy witchy way, 'You couldn't think of anything for that, even though you wanted to.'

"I can see that. Now shhh! So I can read."


~~~~




"The sick old man looked up from his book, the dying fire, and stared curiously."

Hmm. Perhaps a small change. Instead of "The sick old man" what about "The old man sick with age and cigarettes"?


"He wiped at his truly enormous nose that fell out of his face like a rotting pear; the skin rubbed raw and festered with sticky snot-like pus."



"his eyes like pieces of flint staring out into the dark."

"
It was a coffee-colored fedora made of felt; crumpled and caked with mud like it had been buried for a time—buried and forgotten. The old man imagined it escaping from a freshly covered grave like some grotesque moth climbing from a diseased cocoon. "


"his face white as cottage cheese. "






LOVE THIS.




Having the hat come in like an invited guess is great.





WONDERFUL.





Alice
704
704
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Perfect!
705
705
Review of Desire  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
he said this while a smug grin slowly materielized on his face. I knew that face, it was his I'm joking, but not really face.

materialized


She had a beauty that you felt when she entered the room.

Great line!




"Yeah, I definitly know how you feel."

definitely


In many ways this was an enjoyable read. There were a great deal of things that need attention. One them is formatting.


I would give you a list of things I saw but I have no idea if you would utilize them or not.


If the story was polished, I'd give a higher rating.


I personally do not feel that this is a TZ story. To me TZ hasn't some of the this story does. But then is talking about original or new? If it's new it fits right in.

My number is not because it is a bad story, but because it does need things worked that could easily be done, and the story deserves it. If the story should improve, so will my rating.




706
706
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
Personally, I like to see space between the paragraphs.

Also the intro is needs attention to grammar.

The last line of the story works but is nothing special. I would either like to see it cut or reworked.

There is good action and it was easy to follow even if I did not play the game this is based on.


Alice out of space
707
707
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Thank you so much for entering my contest. I should be through with all of the reading before the weekend.

This is a real standout it is such a different idea for a story.

Formatting and spelling appear to be spot on!




Meanwhile the iron coffin with its brave crew was swallowed by the shifting sands of the cluttered Atlantic seabed.

Consider



Meanwhile the shifting sands of the cluttered Atlantic seabed swallowed the iron coffin with its brave crew.




Even this is a world where I knew very little about I understood what was happening. I had no trouble seeing the story in my head.



Alice floating in sea water
708
708
Review of Computer Vampire  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
He plunked it down on the corner of the table and slid his overweight frame into the chair which, creaking and squeaking, fought the immense squiggling cheeks.

I'd remove the word 'which'.





They gavorted right and left and up and down, oblitering the report he’d been working on all week.

cavorted ~~~I think?

obliterating




He tormented the chair once again.

I love this simple line because of the opening paragraph.





From the screen blue energy corkscrewed out.

consider

From the screen, blue energy corkscrewed out.






His shirt was unravelling.

unraveling



The last line is poetry.


Killer story!


Alice
709
709
Review of Tangled Webs  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I bet she loves this story. I really mean that.

710
710
Review of SOLDIERS FOR LIFE  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
I saw that someone had trashed this in the Public reviews.

Good sentiment. It's heart felt.





STRONG AND BRAVE THEY FIGHT FOR OUR FREEDOM
THEY ASK FOR LITTLE IN RETURN
A LETTER HERE AND THERE
A SHORT PHONE CALL FROM A DEAR FRIEND
WHY MUST THESE POOR MEN WE SEND
WE SEND THEM TO THE DEPTHS OF THE EARTH
TO WHERE THE FIGHTING NEVER ENDS
SOME SAY ITS THE CALL OF THE WILD FOR THEM
BUT WHAT DOES THIS TRUELY MEAN
THEY FIGHT ALL DAY AND NIGHT
TILL THE ENEMY IS FAR FROM THIER SIGHT
STRONG AND BRAVE THEY FIGHT FOR OUT FREEDOM
OUR SOLDIERS FOR LIFE
711
711
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
I think this needs a little trimming here and there. I think this would be more powerful if it was boiled down more to its essence.

Standing in chaos.
Beautiful.
Amidst a deadly work of art...
Streaks of light fill the darkened sky
Musical rhythm
Raindrops beat on the ground
air vibrates
roar of the thunder.
Trees sway and moan,
Leaves flutter about the grassy floor.
heart pounds,
hands shake,
an eerie chill runs down my spine.

gazing up to the sky,
feel the rain upon my face.
The wind wails
a song of lament,
the whole Earth cries out to the heavens.
Rain streams down my face like tears
my knees quake from the cold.

a quiver of joy in my heart
as I behold this wondrous sight.
beauty
as it is defined by me.




Of course you will need to place some capitalizes in if you chose to use some or all of this.


All the best.

Alice
712
712
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Thank you so much for entering another of my contest.





the other of a mind venturing into the realm of eloquence.

love this^^




“Tell my nephew to visit his lonely uncle sometimes.”

I might be wrong but I think it should be 'sometime'.






“Go ahead , what’s on your mind?”

To much space after the word 'ahead'.





“Yumi!”, and waited; no voice did he hear.

I do not think you need the comma.




Even though he lived in darkness, he wanted to reach lodgings before nightfall and the village was closer.

I think it should be close.




“I don’t understand. Is Yumi alright?.”

I don't think you need the period.



I would consider changing the title of the story. I feel it takes away for the conclusion.



Alice
713
713
Review of The Bug  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Thank you so much for taking the time and entering my contest.

I should have everything read by May 14.




GOSH, I LOVE THE WAY YOU WRITE!





I linger a moment, but it seems the chain of events is over so I go to work

You are missing a period.






My first two lessons are with Mr. Tanabe which means I need a strong cup of coffee, so I go into the hall to get one.


My first two lessons are with Mr. Tanabe, which means I need a strong cup of coffee, so I go into the hall to get one.




He shows me his hand, a delicate yellow insect like a miniature origami, is squashed there. My mind plays back the fossil Archaeopteryx. My mouth hangs open wordless.

LOVE THIS




Then the third dimension warps, a miniature black hole appears, and my soul is sucked like taffy into ....

Then the third dimension warps, a miniature black hole appears, and my soul is sucked like taffy into ...

Ellipses are always three dots ...



Good story. Although I enjoyed the story quite a great deal I have to think if I feel this is sci-fi. I know that sci-fi is not space ships and lasers.

I am not saying it is not sci-fi. I just need to think about it for a day or so.


Either way, good read!

Alice
714
714
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.5)
i would love for you to the poem.

Other than that, I saw no spelling mistakes and all of the punctuation seemed fine to me.

I liked the cadence of it and the rhythm of the poem.

It nice to read a poem about love and death that was different and not the same old thing.

Alice
715
715
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I do not see how you could make this any better.

Nicely done.


Alice
716
716
Review of Autumn of Life  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
I love the use of color in this. Each stanza was multi colored like a fall leaf.


Great metaphor.


Very nice.
717
717
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (3.5)
I am a fat round cat.

I only give you a three because well you left out cats. I think great many folks will see themselves as a cat. Although a fat round one Hmmm.

Alice
718
718
Review of Sally  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I stood there frozen in time as the sharp green array of shapes on the cardiograph slowly morphed into a perfect straight line. The doctors had told me that Clive was suffering from a series of heart-attacks, which could prove to be fatal. This didn't make sense to me...how could a man with no heart suffer from a heart attack?

Great opening line!

You have heart attacks hyphened at first and you should not.

I also it seems to that use of ellipses is wrong. I would remove them and replace with a period. Even if you don't I think the word 'how should be capitalized.



"I'm so sorry Mrs Jagg. He's gone. We'll give you a little privacy."

Mrs.





The long sleeves were my only disguise today - I was lucky.

I think it be 'was' and 'were'. Were means more than one.



This was good flash. It told a story that I could feel and see.


Alice
719
719
Review of Your Tulips  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is the best thing you have write so far.
720
720
Review of Choke  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
LOL LOVE this.

If it did not have a ribbon on it already I'd give it one.

Alice
721
721
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very nice.

No notes.

Alice
722
722
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Great title!

Death of a thousand paper cuts HA!

Perfect!

It's a winner in my book.

Alice in ribbons and one laptop.
potpal eno dna snobbir ni ecilA
723
723
Review of Cold Blood  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Cold Blood ~ I would like to see the title in bold. If your not sure how to this it's easy. {} with a b in the middle of the brackets. Place these in front of the title. Then the same at the end but you need a / before the b.


I thought the cadence and rhyme worked well. All but the last line. The cadence seemed off to me.


Far better than I could do. I thought a good read.


Alice in gallons of gore

erog fo snollag ni ecilA
724
724
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Despite this a fearful sweat began to develop on James’ brow as he slowly walked deeper and deeper into the heart of the asylum.

Consider

Despite this,




There was a lot of them after all.

I think it should be 'were' instead of 'was' because the subject is plural.




Pretty good for a quick ghost story.


Alice as Always
syawlA sa ecilA
725
725
Review of Partner  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
pond and stocking it with a few golden carp five years ago.

Are these the same thing a Koi?



Placing his body along the wall , Kenji craned his neck

Too much space before the comma.



I feel that this was a tad rushed. I would liked the discover of the meaning of the fireballs to have been a little more drawn out. You are good enough at description that this tale could have been longer and for me would have felt more like a whole meal instead of only the cookie.


I am thrilled to see a dragon among the tales of tattoo.



Alice Swimming with golden Koi
ioK nedlog htiw gnimmiwS ecilA
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