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You'll get a mixture of proofreading and editing advice. I generally do a line by line.
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Do not care for works that straight dramas.
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Micro fiction, flash fiction, short stories, and chapters.
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Public Reviews
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Review of Autumn of Life  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I love the use of color in this. Each stanza was multi colored like a fall leaf.


Great metaphor.


Very nice.
727
727
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I am a fat round cat.

I only give you a three because well you left out cats. I think great many folks will see themselves as a cat. Although a fat round one Hmmm.

Alice
728
728
Review of Sally  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I stood there frozen in time as the sharp green array of shapes on the cardiograph slowly morphed into a perfect straight line. The doctors had told me that Clive was suffering from a series of heart-attacks, which could prove to be fatal. This didn't make sense to me...how could a man with no heart suffer from a heart attack?

Great opening line!

You have heart attacks hyphened at first and you should not.

I also it seems to that use of ellipses is wrong. I would remove them and replace with a period. Even if you don't I think the word 'how should be capitalized.



"I'm so sorry Mrs Jagg. He's gone. We'll give you a little privacy."

Mrs.





The long sleeves were my only disguise today - I was lucky.

I think it be 'was' and 'were'. Were means more than one.



This was good flash. It told a story that I could feel and see.


Alice
729
729
Review of Your Tulips  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is the best thing you have write so far.
730
730
Review of Choke  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
LOL LOVE this.

If it did not have a ribbon on it already I'd give it one.

Alice
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Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very nice.

No notes.

Alice
732
732
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Great title!

Death of a thousand paper cuts HA!

Perfect!

It's a winner in my book.

Alice in ribbons and one laptop.
potpal eno dna snobbir ni ecilA
733
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Review of Cold Blood  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Cold Blood ~ I would like to see the title in bold. If your not sure how to this it's easy. {} with a b in the middle of the brackets. Place these in front of the title. Then the same at the end but you need a / before the b.


I thought the cadence and rhyme worked well. All but the last line. The cadence seemed off to me.


Far better than I could do. I thought a good read.


Alice in gallons of gore

erog fo snollag ni ecilA
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Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Despite this a fearful sweat began to develop on James’ brow as he slowly walked deeper and deeper into the heart of the asylum.

Consider

Despite this,




There was a lot of them after all.

I think it should be 'were' instead of 'was' because the subject is plural.




Pretty good for a quick ghost story.


Alice as Always
syawlA sa ecilA
735
735
Review of Partner  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
pond and stocking it with a few golden carp five years ago.

Are these the same thing a Koi?



Placing his body along the wall , Kenji craned his neck

Too much space before the comma.



I feel that this was a tad rushed. I would liked the discover of the meaning of the fireballs to have been a little more drawn out. You are good enough at description that this tale could have been longer and for me would have felt more like a whole meal instead of only the cookie.


I am thrilled to see a dragon among the tales of tattoo.



Alice Swimming with golden Koi
ioK nedlog htiw gnimmiwS ecilA
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Review of Rope Trick  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
It sounds like some kind of flute, the notes fitting together in ways rarely heard by western ears.

This appealed to my ear.




The music can still be heard, a faint and slightly tinny reproduction, almost as if the strands that make up the rope are vibrating in sympathy with the melody that instructs its movements.

I would cut "The music can still be heard." But the rest of the line is great.





The bedroom door is ajar, and the rope, still quietly singing, creeps into the room.

Consider

Quietly singing still, the rope creeps into the bedroom, its door ajar.






A man lies alone in the bed, snoring quietly, the covers half kicked from him in the summer heat.

I would change the word 'quietly' to something else. I like to see a variety of words. How about 'almost whispering'.


Ahh the rope didn't get away.

Okay what would have made this a better read for is if the rope would have went back to the car and curled on the mans lap like a pet snake.

Not bad.

Alice watching rope
epor gnichtaw ecilA
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Review of Head Start  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Welcome to the board.

We are in the same contest and I like to everything that's listed.


I would separate the paragraphs. This will make it easier to read.





Oh, God did Aaron’s head hurt! Jesus I must have drunk a whole beer keg by myself last night. He rolled over on the bed and stared at himself in the mirror on the closet door. Wow, he barely looked like death warmed over.

You change POV here.


By Thursday, he knew there was something wrong. It had gotten bigger and it hurt like the devil himself was in there.
I like this line.




He reached his fingers up to touch it and could feel some of the lines accually coming out of his skin, almost like little hairs.

actually






Friday, Greg called. “Hey, where are we going tonight?” he quired.
I think you meant inquired.





“No, not tonight,” replied Aaron, “This tattoo is a mess. It’s infected, hurts like hell, and really swollen”
Period







He could see the lump under his shirt, it had grown to the point where he was not going to be able to hide it anymore.
; instead of the comma.




“Oh, my god, I need a drink” he thought.
“Oh, my God, I need a drink,” he thought.





“No you don’t” came an equally strong thought.

“No you don’t,” came an equally strong thought.






This time the head yelled at him,

This time the head yelled at him.




Your too young to throw your life away in a bottle”
You're too young to throw your life away in a bottle.”






“You’ll be sorry” stated the head.

“You’ll be sorry,” stated the head.






“Yeah, like you can do anything about it”

“Yeah, like you can do anything about it.”






“You can’t ignore me” stated the face.

“You can’t ignore me,” stated the face.




His own head has shrunk.
His own head had shrunk.





the head lay next to him, watching a movie on the tv.
the head lay next to him, watching a movie on the TV.





Everytime he headed for the kitchen, the right side of his body resisted, like it had a mind of it’s own.

Every time he headed for the kitchen, the right side of his body resisted, like it had a mind of it’s own.






“That’s it keep washing your brain down your throat” said the head.

“That's it, keep washing your brain down your throat.” said the head.





“Shut-up” his little voice squeaked.

“Shut-up,” his little voice squeaked.






It was getting harder to get the whiskey in his ever shrinking mouth.
It was getting harder to get the whiskey in his ever-shrinking mouth.


This was getting crazy, he would lose his job soon.
This was getting crazy; he would lose his job soon.



“No, we won’t let that happen said the head.”
“No, we won’t let that happen," said the head.




“Hey, buddy, where are we headed for tonight?’
“Hey, buddy, where are we headed for tonight?"







“Nowhere”
"Nowhere."



“Ah, come on man, I’m ready to party”
"Ah, come on man, I'm ready to party."



“Sorry, I don’t drink anymore.” replied the head.
“Sorry, I don’t drink anymore,” replied the head.




“Yeah, must be”

“Yeah, must be."




“Hey, how is that thing doing, I heard you were out of work a few days?”

“Hey, how is that thing doing? I heard you were out of work a few days.”



“Oh it’s doing much better,” replied the head as he looked in the mirror and watched a tear slip from the corner of the single eye on his left shoulder.


“Oh, it’s doing much better,” replied the head. As he looked in the mirror and watched a tear slip from the corner of the single eye on his left shoulder.





“I’m having it removed tomorrow”

“I’m having it removed tomorrow.”




Good ending!

Good luck in the contest.

Alice
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Review of Saturation Point  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Really good so far.

Shoot me a note when there's more!

Are you doing this for the contest?


A~ is ~ for~ Alice
Who's ~ fallen~ down
A~ rabbit~ hole
Where~ she~ will~ go
She~ simple~ does~ not~ know~
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Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
GREAT TITLE

This is the last pen I have that has any ink in it and there's no more paper after this but I don't think that's going to matter very much.

I think it needs a comma after 'this'.





I haven't been outside in I'm not sure how long.

Consider this~

I'm not sure how long it's been since I've been outside.





. I mean a real 200 IQ genius.

I liked this very much.






He often talked about how there would be peace on earth if there was enough food for everybody and he thought a lot about how to bring that about.

earth should be Earth.







After all Uncle Elmer's hard work the garden now consisted of a few dispirited sprouts and weeds Even the weeds seemed to be having a hard time keeping soul and body together, so to speak.

I think between 'weeds' and 'Even' you need a period.








Kit's idea was a plant food that would make things grow. Rice and beans and other nutritious foods for us and for the world.

I would combine these with a :






Something to make things grow in a drought things to make food grow in the deserts and feed the world!

You need a comma after 'drought'.







box which was his container for the notes he sent me.

box, which was his container for the notes, he sent me.







"I thought I'd put some on the beans,."

You have a double punctuation mark here.








When Uncle Elmer went out the next morning to get in the truck to go to the rubber mill he looked down at the bottom of the property and said "What the ~~? "
That summer of the drought any vegetation that was doing well stood out like a sore thumb. He was looking at a patch of crab grass that was doing very well indeed!

These touch. They should not.

Instead of ~~ try ellipses . . .





Pretty soon clumps of it were popping up all over the property, And then it began to grow on the neighbors' property.

See the capitalized 'And' after the comma.






Nobody cared at first and the Grass continued to spread.

You may have done this intentionally, but I thought I would call your attention to it anyway. Grass is capitalized.







A green tide was overwhelming the county.

Great line.





` They even tried agent orange and the grass thrived on it.

Agent Orange







but I'm not really hungry any more.

This is how the sentences reads. I think you should remove the period before it.




The wind blows through the grass and it seems like the grass is whispering.

Love this.


GOOD read.


You should polish up and enter it into Highwinds contest.
740
740
Review of Victory  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
When I saw your name I knew I was in for a treat.

No notes.

Always a pleasure to read anything of yours.


Alice
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Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
When we moved into this house the snow was over a foot thick. The view out of almost every window was perfect. The huge beech trees planted by the monks hundreds of years ago were all frosted perfectly, each branch glittered. All the fields around the house were perfectly white, not scarred by human feet, in big clumpy boots. Just the odd sheep, plodding about, wondering where all the grass had gone.

I think this should be one paragraph.





I try not to look out the window that looks over the seafood factory.

Anytime you see that you have used the same words it's a sing that you should think about reworking it.

One of the windows gives a view of the seafood factory. I try not to look out but still I do.


From that window I can see the road, the muddy, gritty slush being sprayed in the air by passing cars, and the big blue building in the distance from which clouds of chilled air and chemicals puff out.

For the same reasons I would omit "From that window".









The snow took forever to go away, but here we are, nearly April, and it's all finally gone, and the rains which followed it have finally stopped.

Consider


The snow took forever to go away, but here we are, nearly April, and it's all finally gone, and the rains, which followed it, have finally stopped





Today I took my six year old daughter, Florence

Today I took my six-year-old daughter, Florence,







It appears that a fox or hawk uses the quiet of our garden to eat it's prey.

its








I refuse to squish my child into a 'right' sized box of behaviour just for her.

I would cut 'just for her'. I do not think its needed.










Death was a such a regular visitor to the home, far more reliable then grown up children.

Please take out 'a' after the word 'was'.

He was also one of the most welcomed.~~~It seems as if this is not part of the sentences before it, as it should be.









Some cling to their existence with their arthritic, bony fingers, but most take death's hand when he offers it, as if he were the perfect suitor, and allow themselves to be gently led away.


LOVED THIS!






Need him.

I think this should be 'Needed him.'








Either that of she may go so far downhill that we can't cope with her, and although

Consider

I think 'of' should be 'or'.


I have to tell this would make a craken good horror story if it had a different ending. Honestly with the young girls collection it really felt that it would have a more macabre ending to it.



This ending doesn't have that feeling of 'done' when you read it. That's the reason for the three. If you chose to give another ending, whatever that might be, then tell me, and I will gladly read again.



Alice~In ~Always
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Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello again.


The formating should look like this.



If there was one thing that caught my eye every time I went round Eva's house to drop off her shopping, it was her marble rolling pin. You just don't get them like that anymore, well, not in my price range anyway.

It wasn't the first thought in my mind when she finally reached the end of her 92 years, but when that useless son of hers, Tobias, had a clearance sale, I wandered along early to see if I could get it before anyone else. Like cold hands, cold rolling pins make the best pastry.

He recognised me as the girl who helped his mother out, then went back to ignoring me (as usual) so I searched for my rolling pin.

It felt wrong to barter with him so I paid full price and carried it home.
Its weight made my arm ache as I walked along, and soon its coldness seemed to penetrate my hand and arm, sending icy sparks up into my head. I got myself together as I leaned on someone's garden wall, and made it home.

I felt better after a cup of tea, and couldn't wait to make an apple pie.
But the pain came again. I put the rolling pin in the sink and retreated to my wooden one, but this time the feelings didn't abate, and my brain felt as though it was swelling, filling my skull, pushing on the back of my eyes until I fell to the floor in darkness.

As I peered into the black my hands became visible. I couldn't believe how much grime was under my nails. There was scars on my thick, red, shaking, fingers, and the smell of sweat and rough, brown alcohol filled my nose.

As my senses continued to sharpen I became conscious of the roughness of my male clothes, the itchy, clammy fabric. I wasn't me.
I was in front of a blackened fireplace, staring at a few lumps of coal had no hope of warming the room up.

In my hand was a thick leather belt, the heavy silver coloured buckle smeared with blood. I was shaking, full of anger, and getting more and more sick of the sobbing noise coming from the corner of the room. I swung around to see a small boy of no more than five, compressing himself in the corner, blood seeping through the back of his shirt.

There were only a few sticks of furniture in the room, the walls were bare and there was no trace of electricity, just what looked like gas lamps, and rough rag rugs covering the floor.

I had to stop the wheezing and sobbing.

As I stood up, the door opened, and a young, pale woman with a blank but focused face came into the room. I was about to open my mouth and tell Eva that I recognised her, but before I could speak, she lifted the marble rolling pin in her hand, and blackness returned.






Thank you so much for taking the time to enter the flash for the group!


I have decided that your English, Canadian, or an Austrian and that's the reason for the differences in spelling.




Like cold hands, cold rolling pins make the best pastry.

LOVE THIS.







It felt wrong to barter with him, so I paid full price and carried it home.

I added a comma.






There was scars on my thick, red, shaking, fingers, and the smell of sweat and rough, brown alcohol filled my nose.

Because it is more than one scar it should be 'were' instead of 'was'.



GOOD STORY>



Alice~in~Always
743
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Review of Preserving Sanity  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello,

The formatting in the story looks off. If you view as the read does you will see. I understand why. I looks so different in that small box we must place out work in.





It makes you feel a bit like an astronought, and takes a bit of getting used to.

Spelling ~ astronaut







It makes you feel a bit like an astronought, and takes a bit of getting used to.
First there’s scrubs, then a full length gown that ties up at the back, big white rubber boots, a plastic apron, waterproof over sleeves, gloves and a visor.

This should one paragraph.

full-length








bodied hornet forcing it’s stinger right into my pupil, over and over again.

its




horror/interest

Here I would like to see you say this instead of this /. Something like ~~With equal amounts of horror and interest ~~OR~~with part horror and part interest. You get the idea.






I look upon my dead as my ones.

~~I am unsure as to your meaning in this line.









It took me a long time to stop whispering apologies as I pushed my scalpel into their flesh. To this day I still say it silently sometimes, so the lads can’t hear me and laugh at my consideration. I used to talk to my dead, tell them what I was going to do, so they wouldn’t be scared.

I liked this very much!









Modesty is something I always preserve, dignity must be constantly protected.

I would break these into sentences.








Even when I wash them, I position cloths and move them only when necessary, and only briefly.

I added a comma here.









And unlike my colleagues, I never say ‘it’, I always refer to them by name, or at least but ‘him’ or ‘her’.

Please consider removing 'and'.










he was naked, his hair shaven from the operation that had gone wrong and taken his life. He had his arms across his Y incision, as if it was more embarrassing than his nudity for him.

Needs a capital.








It was gone midnight and I had been warm and cosy in my clean sheeted bed, but then I had remember the dustbin was being emptied at the crack of dawn, and so not for the first time, I ventured outside, my bare feet on the concrete and a chilly breeze penetrating my nightie.


I think it should be 'gone on midnight'

Sp~cosy ~~ cozy










I sat opposite him, and saw that he was looking at me through the clear plastic gripped eye caps that are designed to stop his eyes from pinging open and scaring the life out of his family when they come to view him.

LOVE THIS!




I asked him if he wanted anything, and he nodded towards the television. I handed him the remote and he started to watch wrestling. After ten minutes I though I’d better get back to bed.

I liked this too.




I nearly choked on my pop tart when the next morning I rounded the corner into the living room and there he still was, watching the early morning news.

This seemed a little fuzzy to me. Condsider~

When morning came, I nearly choked on my pop tart as I rounded the coroner into the living room and there he still was, watching the early morning news.

Although I like the image of this I can not help but wonder why she did not hear the TV and the radio?








I remembered her as Mrs Sophia Lily Montgomery, I often make note of the interesting names I meet, stowing them away for (hopefully) future babies.

Mrs.






i know a three's kind of low. But if you work on the formatting and fix the little things and tell me, I will read it again and rerate it too.



Also the ending wasn't very satisfying to me. I wanted an extra touch of humor there. maybe.





Over all so nice work. I really mean that. Welcome to the board and to the group of Horror Luvr's.



As~Always~Alice
744
744
Review of Husband's fantasy  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Your short one word. According to the rules it must exactly one hundred words.




Good morning,love,"

You need a space after the comma.




"Good morning,love," comes the whispery voice
invading her sleep yet stirring thoughts from dreams lost into reality unknown.

There is a huge space between "voice" and "invading". I think you should close the gap.


Other than that good read!


If you make some changes, and let me know I will up the star rating.


Alice
745
745
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
I was lost until I broke it up into paragraphs.

Consider

Jim wanted one more night to think things through, but Sherrill would be coming soon, bringing Christopher.

Chico had been right about everything. God Dammit! Going around with Chris, what a perfect friend.

Now or never, they were always saying that on Television--NBC, HBO, NYPD Blues. "Surprise! Welcome home, Darling, Dearie. I am so tired of smelling stale sweat and sex on your skin! It don't wash off so easy, incense can't cover up."

She came in then, saw him waiting, said, "He loves me," stepped back out. The loaded gun sat heavy in his lap--cocked, ready, peaceful.

I saw no spelling mistakes.

Good luck in the contest.


As~Always~Alice
746
746
Review of Oh, Grandpa  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Good bit of description here.

You did everything the contest asked for.

I would break this up a bit. Also some rearranging to help with the flow.

Consider~


My really old grandpa was very possibly the creepiest person ever. His sayings left much to be desired- mainly, points. “Never trust dogs that have stripes, painted by wicked demons from hell,” he would cackle madly, yellow eyes rolling terrifyingly, saliva-encrusted mouth spitting out wet, brown mucus.

As for facial expressions? They sparked terrible feelings in peoples’ guts.

Nobody knew why; no close family member had dared ask.

I, however, decided: someone should take action. Hopefully not me, but something must happen so everyone could live peacefully once again.

Finally, Aunt Jane took initiative. She slit her father’s throat.



Good luck in the contest.

If you decide to make any changes, let me know. I will read again and re-rate it.

As~Always~Alice
747
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Review of Jewellery Heist  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Great word choices. It was almost like a poem.

I would take a look and break it up into some paragraphs.


Xylophone hammers down her spine. The hair on nape stands up. She fears to turn around.

He holds a gun.

Deidre’s thoughts are shrunken, single words. ‘Thief’ comes in mind. ‘Heist’ follows. Fingers frozen, uncontrollably shivering starts first within hands. Fumbling with keys, untuneful jangling, they shake, awkward fit finding locks.

Jewels sparkle, shimmering falling showers into black velvet bag. Necklaces, rings, watches, earrings – ‘jewellery’ flicks across consciousness. Sweet chimes as diamonds collide, emeralds and sapphires glimmering amongst topaz, amethyst, unlucky opals. Cacophony rents air.

Sales assistant has skillfully pressed alarm button unseen.

Armed robber splits.

Police arrive too late.


That's how I would break it up.

It's only a three-point-five because you wrote as one paragraph when it's not. If you change and tell me, I will up my rating.

As-Always-Alice
748
748
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I found the title to inviting.


Cleaning in the kitchen she could hear him call again. “You worthless girl, why haven’t you restocked my workroom? Didn’t I remind you twice yesterday! And my study, doesn’t look like you’ve been in there in days! Where are you girl!”?
Putting down her scrub brush, she wiped her hands and she made her way up the winding staircase of the tower towards the Wizard’s workroom. She knew he’d be standing on the landing waiting for her. “And where were you this time?” His anger was evident without having to look at him, “off daydreaming again?”

I think this is a formatting mistake. No of the other paragraphs touch.


I know that this is an older story and it has a lovely ribbon it but here it goes...

The opening line is flat. You could really add to color of the story right there.


And my study, doesn’t look like you’ve been in there in days! Where are you girl!”?

I understand that he is yelling but still asking a question but have one punctuation mark on the inside of the quote marks and the other on the outside seems wrong to me.

The wizards voice is very good.

~~~


I am sucker for these kinds of stories. When I was a teen this is the kind of thing that I would have swam in. That does not mean to say that the writing is immature. I think these books made me a better person. I have a sense of wonder still and I root for the underdog to this day. Plus the lesson 'everyone is not what they may at first appear to be' is still true.

~~

His anger was evident without having to look at him, “

Consider

Without having to look at him, his anger was evident.

~~~


Without looking up she knew he was scowling, he was always scowled at her.

The use of 'without' again is to soon.

There her skin she knew he was scowling.

I dislike " he was always scowled at her. " I know what you are trying to express but this seems like a bit of lazy writing.

Consider

She wondered if he slept with a scowl upon his face.

or

Scowling was the old wizard's natural expression. At least it was when he looked upon her.


~~~


“Potential,” he left out an exasperated breath,

I think you mean 'he let out an exasperated breath,'

Or

'he let out a hard breath of exasperation,


~~~


She shifted her feet uneasily. “I think so master.”


This is very nice.

~~

He moved to the side and she hurried past him to restock his supplies in the workroom.

I think you could cut the last three words here. We know where she is going.

~~

Why the heck doesn't the poor thing have a name? Its bugging the heck out me. So many of the sentences start with 'She'.

To me this interferes with good story telling. It makes the story seems slower than it is.

~


“are you going to show me something you can do?”

I would add 'or not' to this.

~~

The girl looked towards the door shortly.

Ick

But I dislike adverbs. They are to passive.


The girl glanced at the door.

~~~

Ahh I got to the part where the name is an issue with her too.

GOOD!

Ha on me.

~~~


Spells are just larger they take more practice, but you have the potential.


I would change the words 'practice' and 'potential'. Not that they don't work but I want the women in the glass to have more of her own voice. These are things that wizard has used.


~~`



“Now then,” Alia began, drawing Mouse out of her amazement. “Take up that quill there on the desk, and tell me what you’re trying to learn.” Within moments Alia was dictating the words to the enchantment and Mouse copied them down quickly.
When she finished copying, Mouse repeated them all to Alia and felt the slight ripple of magic associated with the spell. Folding the paper carefully she placed it back in her pocket while silently repeated the words to herself to try and keep from forgetting them. She looked around the study and realized the dust had settled from the air. “I need to finish cleaning.” She said sadly to Alia.

These touch and they should not.


~~

When she finished copying, Mouse repeated them all to Alia and felt the slight ripple of magic associated with the spell.

I loved this.

~~


“now where have you gotten to girl! I’m hungry, I want my dinner! Did you finish with my study? And the workroom now needs your attention.”

I think you should capitalize 'Now'.

A period after 'hungry'.

~~~

He really is a poor teacher. The question is what kind of selfishness is it. He using her for a reason? Or is it he doesn't think of her other than a means to his needs.

~~~


. Filling a bowl with stew, she carried it up the stairs until she reached his study.


See the period that's floating at the beginning of the sentence?


~~


. Filling a bowl with stew, she carried it up the stairs until she reached his study. She knocked on the door and entered when he responded. She noted the crystal ball still on his desk, this time covered with a cloth, as she handed him the stew. Have you cleaned up the workroom girl, so I may try again? He asked before eating.

I think you need quotes around

Have you cleaned up the workroom girl, so I may try again?

~~~

When she had retreated to the door he added,

Because of the repeated use of the word 'retreated' in the same paragraph I would like to see it changed.


What about ' withdrew'?

~~~

The young girl looked exhausted down to her core.

Nice

~~~



Alia smiled. “That’s right.” She noted that Mouse was asleep and frowned. The poor girl was more than just exhausted she was drained of magic, but why she didn’t know. Being unable to access her own magic frustrated her, she needed Mouse.

AH Ha the the rat is using her.

See that's good. I should be a small amount ahead of you.

~~


“Did you know there are two types of people who use magic to become mages.”?

I think the question mark should be inside the quotes.

~~~

“But what can I do? I’m only an apprentice.” Mouse said crestfallen.

I love crestfallen.


~~

She knew she didn’t have much time; her master had gone to town to procure a new tome for his magic spells.

I liked this as well.

~~~


Mouse cowered as she felt the tower shake. With a great crunching sound the rocks of the tower wall that held the small window to the study began to crumple to dust. The small window fell and shattered, but there was no sound. Out of the dust a figure appeared.

I think you could cut the second 'the small window' and replace it with - the glass.


~~

She saw the stranger look at her hiding under the desk and smile. She knew in that instant that he was nothing like her master, that he carried more power than one could ever know, and was gentler than anyone she had ever met. She wished she had helped Alia earlier, and hoped that her offer still held.


Here you have too many sentences that start with 'She'.

Mouse saw the stranger look at her hiding under the desk and smile. In that instant that he was nothing like her master, that he carried more power than one could ever know, and was gentler than anyone she had ever met. With all her heat, the girl wished she had helped Alia earlier, and hoped that her offer still held.

I also think that 'smile' should be 'smiled'.

~~


She heard her master’s screech of anger as the ball was torn magically from him.

Please cut 'She heard'.

~~


Good tale.

LEt me know if you make any of the changes them I will up my stars.


Alice
749
749
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
How could this be anything but a high rate?

Something that your sister might have draw would be good here. If you should she's okay with it than a picture of her. If you do not care for either of these ideas them simple a sweet picture of an angle would work very well.

I loved a link to read about the Rett's. Perhaps a link to a site.

It's not a five because I think these would make a much better file.

Alice
750
750
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
or three times at.

I would remove and 'times at'. What I would replace it with the word 'even'. To me, it's a little redundant.




Nice choice of song.



For me it's only going to be worth reading if you also add to the story and show me where you are. Reading is way cheap traveling for me.

The characters work well.

PS love the signature.

Alice
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