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Do not care for works that straight dramas.
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Micro fiction, flash fiction, short stories, and chapters.
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I know little of poetry and I do not care for straight dramas.
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751
751
Review of 100 Hours to Hate  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Consider placing the title in bold. {} at the front of and the back of your title. Inside of the first one place a b. In the other place /b inside of the brackets.

You should be able to find notes on how do all kinds of things. When you edit your story in black is link. Its the one right above the box you place your story into.

~~

images that flitted across her mind. Gently, she opened one eye and looked across the warped floor boards,

floorboards.

~~

First paragraph you start far to many lines with one word She. I would consider either giving her a name or reworking some of them so you do not have so many stating the same way. This bogs down a story.

~~

Four blank walls interrupted only by a doorway.

Great

~~


The dancing notes disappeared as a form filled the doorway. The form was brutal and filled the width of the doorway.

I would change the second use of filled to consumed.


~~

He hacked and dredged up a volume of mucous which her then spat to a corner of the room where it landed like a dead animal breaking the muck covered surface of a swamp.

Its the "which her then" that has me puzzled W.

~~

his nasal voice dragged like an icicle across glass.

Nice

~~

She screamed as he squeezed her ankle bones

anklebones

~~


Shards of electricity shot through her scalp and pin pricks of light

pinpricks

~~

The giant dredged up another ball of mucous from his sinuses and hawked it into his palm which he then proceeded to smear deep into the now reddened flesh between her legs.

Comma after palm.

~~


The giant’s cold blue eyes hammered into hers and she blinked and looked away. “Nyunh ah…I like ya bare.” He drew out the R sound and licked his swollen lips with his forked tongue again.

Good!

~~~

She looked the pills and then the sustenance and then back into the imposing eyes of the giant. This time her voice remained constant. “What’s in the can?”

I think it should be "She looked AT the pills

~~

A breadful of beans was partway to her lips when she heard The Giants breath come in fast guttural streams.

Do you really mean breadful? I have no idea what that word means.

~~

Beneath the tissue paper, resing in folds was a sundress that felt like silk.

I think it should be resign.


~~


. “You know. It’s missing something.

Your missing a quote here.

~~
His words slithered around his jaundiced teeth and hung before her like a threat.

I think Jaundice can only pertain to the coloring of skin? I might be wrong on that W.

~~

She smiled at him then as his eyes grew wide.

I think you need a comma after him.

~~`

“Can you tell me what happened to you?

You missed the quotation mark at the end.

~~

Good ending.


The reason its 4 for me is that over all it works well.

The only thing I missed was how she escaped her ordeal.

There was some nice writing and for the most part it was easy to follow.

It's not higher than a 4 because it's not a story that will live for a long time in my heart and mind. It may for other readers.

There were some nice moments. You have a storyteller inside of you. This just wasn't the story for me.

Alice
752
752
Review of ReMarket  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Welcome to the board!

It's not that short of a short story.

I've seem micro flashes of 50 words.

~~

“Does it work?” Flanks eyed the gravsphere with mild interest.

Its fine you have a made up word. I would suggest that you perhaps give the reader a little more info about it.


~~

“It could.”, the vendor,

I would take out the comma after ".

~~


Sake, promised in the optimistic way of all salesmen everywhere.


The familiar feeling of another day wasted settled in on Flanks’ soul.

The best stuff was never on display with the legal items. Vendors tested buyers, and once satisfied you weren’t there to arrest someone, the real deal could happen.


Great lines.



You should be a writer.


Alice
753
753
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (3.0)
Consider placing the name is bold. If you need help let me know.




As I stared across the field at the red-roofed white farm house,

farmhouse




every effort was brushed aside by mother.

consider

mother brushed every effort aside.




she was surrounded by my grandparents, aunts, uncles and several of my cousins of various ages and in the house where she grew up.

consider

my grandparents, aunts, uncles and several of my cousins of various ages and in the house where she grew up surrounded her.




She realized my dilemma and decided to have mercy on me and let me save some of my dignity. “Well, maybe you are right, but I know what you are doing. You can’t have a drink and you can’t distract me from sending you to bed by arguing with me. You get to bed now.”

Good writing.



The last paragraph where the picture is transformed from one of a country road to one of demon did not work for me. What would suggest is that you have her enter it and travel down the road with the demon stocking her.

If you do something more with the ending let me know.

Alice
754
754
Review of Muse  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello,

You did the code for the italics funky. {} are needed and not []

[i]talented[/i]-

~~

It's nice to read something that feels like a story. Most of the things that I have read about them are snips or poems. This has more to it than a lot them and I have read a great deal about muses lately.
755
755
Review of Purpose of a Poem  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wonderful
756
756
Review of A dream of a muse  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Lovely to read.

I don't understand the last line but everything else was spot on.

Alice
757
757
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
we're off out.”

This maybe an English saying but to my ears it seems as if you are missing a word here. I wouldn't mind the conjunction 'and' after the word 'off'.

~~


Classical music flowed out of the cars speakers and the last thing she could remember was her eyes feeling heavy, then ....

I have read that ellipses always come in threes.

~~

Looking behind her all she could see was the same walk running into the dark foreboding shadows of the wood. No arrow pointed in that direction.

Nicely done.

~~


Crack. Suzy caught her breath and held it. Somewhere in the shadows to her right a twig broke. Or had been broken, her mind added. She was scanning the wood to see if any of the shadows moved. The darkness was thick and oppressive. It could have been a large wood, for all she knew, but she could not tell, the darkness swallowed the trees up only after three rows.

Nicely written. I can see this so clearly.

~~

A memory of nights laid in her bed listening to her parents argue

Consider

Memories of nights laid in her bed listening to her parents argue

~~

If there was anyone around you'd hear something.

Consider changing 'was' to 'were'.

~~


A large wooden thing with big round, brown, knobs.

I would combine this with the one that came before it.

~~

She came across three people that she knew. Her Dad as a kid, and his Mum and Dad.

I would combine these as one.

~~

as the sticky red ooze splttered her face.

I think you have a typo here 'splttered'.

~~

All her common sense had fled and left her alone without caution.

great line!

~~

The stench was disgusting, her eyes started to water as soon as the door was opened. There were bodies of cats, small dogs, and a few birds. A clothesline had been hung from one side of the room to the other and like a set a perverse clothes bits of skin had been hung to dry. She could not stop her stomach from ejecting what little it had into this abode of sickness.

How wonderfully icky!

~~

It was titled “Psycho.” “No s*** Sherlock.” She gasped as she turned toward the dining room. “I could have guessed that.”


Cute

~~


She walked out of her bedroom and to her parents bedroom door.

I think it should be 'parent's.

~~
I loved the ending.

What wet fun romp.
758
758
Review of Chameleon  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
I am a huge muse hunt. I found this one today.

Very nice.

Nothing to improve. Its fine the way it is right now.

Alice
759
759
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
contemptously over my shoulder

Spelling

contemptuously

~~

"I'm trying," I said

i think you should place a period after 'said'.

~~

"You don't have writier's block, you pussy.

Spelling

writer’s

~~

of the that f***-you attitude that is crushed

I think you should remove 'the'.

~~

that wimp mask you'er using." he said.

typo

you're

~~


"What do you want me to do? I'm a failure at this, and I'll never succeed. Why would anyone publish some hack teenage wanna-be!" I replied.
He stared at me dumbfounded for a moment before his eyes hardened.

These need to seperated.

~~

childish story-writer." he said

I think you need a comma after 'story-writer' and a period after 'said'.

~~


"Follow the path and see where it leads. Once you have it down, then comes the fun part. Rhyme, alliteration, iambic pentameter, imagery, stream-of-consciousness, use it all if you want.

I would remove the period after 'part' and replace it with a :

~~


"That sounds like a disaster in the making" I replied doubtfully.

There isn't a punctation mark after 'making'.

~~

I would say this has a lot personality to it. That's a great thing. Keep it up.

Alice
760
760
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (2.5)
I am jet self-elected leader of the group; come follow me into the jungle clearing.

Jet needs to be capitalized.

~~
Come meet Barry, he spends most of his time asleep in the old teapot that nestles over there by the old alter stone, left behind by missionaries.

I would remove 'Come'.

~~


Characters:-

Jet - The Jaguar
Polly- The Guacamaya bird (Parrot)
Iggy- The Iguanna
Barry- The Bat
Francesca- The Flamingo
Miguel- The Spider monkey
Upright Being- The Human Moon flower.

You shouldn't do a list. This a not an epic novel. You should instead show us what and who they are in the story.

~~
Alice
761
761
Review of Died To Match  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I was thinking of getting my own group. I rather dissatisfied with the ones I have found here.

I tend to write horror, sci-fi , fantasy, slipstream, supernatural kinds of tales. I want a group that focuses on these. I've really only found either horror or fantasy.

Want I want is an active list of members. I do not want a hundred. I'd be happy with five. I should either be and active writer in one of these areas or r/r/r's in that area. Both would be great.

I thought of you.

~~

Here's a note on the story.



Formating looks really clean. Its easy to read.



Titles cleaver.



~~
Opening paragraphs are very important.


This night holds my attention. Tight in my head where that voluminous inky void dwells, heightening senses until their coalescing is an unrelenting itch nothing can scratch. Just one more…maybe two. I tell no lie. This wondrous expectation is almost too great a joy, therefore, the exaltation abides deeply entombed where witness or sharing of emotion remains disallowed. Refusing entrée to my
ingrained nature is inviolable. That rapture is mine alone.


This night holds my attention. ~~I am not sure if this line belongs with the rest of the paragraph.



Tight in my head where that voluminous inky void dwells, heightening senses until their coalescing is an unrelenting itch nothing can scratch.

Do you mean to say the heighten senses cause the void? If so then this needs reworked a tad. As it stands now it seems to me that you are saying your mind is a dark void. How it can be void and full of heighten senses?

Just one more…maybe two. ~~ This makes no sense because its mixed in with the others.



~~

I see you've added to the story from its original post. That's good. I like to see someone who tends to their stories, adding taking this, taking out that.

~~

My breath quickens, threatens to explode my lungs to shreds of non-breathing organ while I inspect. Standing vigil, I’m aware of the importance of watching, it is vital, something akin to love. The ecstatic yearning I posses is of a voyeur, the sensation proper people crave and accomplish, yet refuse to acknowledge as a trait. I don’t mind admitting the need, in fact, rather enjoy the franticness those responses provide while swimming around in all that dark, making my core oversensitive with desire.

I like this much better than the opening paragraph. Perhaps you should consider placing it as the opening.

~~

Cats slither stealth-like along the alley in pursuit of prey; dogs inhale the blacktop with diligence for traces of scent driving them mad with longing.

Cats do not slither.

~~

You have an interesting style. I feel its poetic in many ways but it also feels forced. Like your the kind of writer that thinks about each word.

I would like to see a bit more of a balance between organic writing and careful jeweled writing.


Truly I think you have more than a little talent.

Alice
762
762
Review of Fate  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)

Here's what I think.



It is dark. Really dark.

Consider

It's dark, really dark.

~~

Oh wow, this is second person pov. Tricky, we'll see if it works here.
~~

For this kind of pov it worked pretty well.

Alice
763
763
Review of Marius  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
He gives a small laugh, almost musical in nature. Another thing I like about him. Marius’ taste in music, is close to mine, along with 80’s rock, he’s into some operas, and Native American drums. I’m Christine to his Phantom so to speak. We’re happy to think of each other as such. For a while each night, I’m unable to break free of his power. Words flow like notes across the paper.

I loved this paragraphs the best. I have to confess this is when I thought if we knew each other in the flesh that we might be friends.

I did not see a thing to change.

Alice
764
764
Review of The Nice Ones  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Best flash I ever read!
765
765
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Its fur was puffed out to the point that it resembled the world biggest ball of naval lint ever collected.

Great line.

The ending I felt was WEEK. Too bad because it was a fun little ride.

But other than that it was clear and cleaver. I hope you do the story a favor and find its true ending.

Alice
766
766
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I am on writing kick.

Did I till you that I have an agent for a book?

Thanks for r/r/r's.

~~

I thought the opening worked really.

~~

You start 27 sentences with the word 'he'.

The second paragraph was especially heavy with them.

~~

Lips, thin and made up with a lipstick that was too red for her pale complexion.

I don't think you should have a comma after 'Lips'.

~~

She was dressed in a business suit. Pinstriped black jacket and matching skirt.

The second sentences is a fragment. Perhaps if you joined with the one that proceed it.

She was dressed in a pinstriped black business suit with a matching skirt.

~~~

A white blouse, that would become red when the blood flowed.

I don't think there should be a comma after 'blouse'.

~~

Besides what could happen in five minutes.

I feel you should have a question mark here.

~~

She wished that they had not given in so easily as she turned the corner onto Marsden street and the footsteps and laboured breathing followed her.

I think you should capitalize 'street'.

~~

There were no street lights on this little side road and the lights from the offices to her left were extinguished.

streetlight

~~


Kicking, screaming, he had been pushed from his mothers womb into the bitter and twisted world.

mother's

~~

When he was bad she locked him in the his bedroom.

Cut 'the' after 'in'.

~~

She died in the explosion as did the man who was in their bedroom above.

I think you need a comma after 'explosion'.

~~


In the streetlight he noticed that the blood on her blouse was a beautiful red..

Double periods

~~

Great ending.

I think it needs a small amount of work. This is to the all of the "He'. it slows it down with so many of them.

~~

Oh did you get the note that you are a member of the Horror Luv's group?

There is a new horror flash every week for the group. We give you a prompt and they you write a story of five hundred words or less. There is also a list of placing looking for stories.

Did you see that I posted Aunt Ivy up for reading?

I am so thrilled you joined Writing.com. I would hated to have lost you.

Alice
767
767
Review of The Reading  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I saw this listed in home-page. The title and subject pulled me in.

Typos parade on the page, but I could care less

Love that line.

VERY GOOD!

It's to bad that you did not place a link to story you wrote the poem about. That would have made it perfect.


Alice
768
768
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
At night the traveler huddles next to a campfire.

Perhaps you could add on to this a little. Tell us he does so because of the cold or the wild animals ect.

~~


Finally there are signs of a town. The tired hiker skirts around campgrounds and occasional buildings.

It seems to me that you changed tense from one sentence to another. I think you should change 'is'. We are in the moment of this story right?

Also the word 'tired' seems to not fit. I think what you want is~~ tie.

~~

Vin steps inside a tavern from which waft spicy scents of lunch.

I think it should be either 'a waft of spicy scent of lunch.

or ' from which wafts of spicy scents of lunch.

~~~


At four,the two walk

You need a space after the comma.

~~~

When she opens the door to her unit, they are greeted by Eleanor, relaxed on a sofa, reading.

I think you switch tenses here.

'relaxing'

~~


The sweet wine really goes to Vin's head. Elinor lifts her goblet to her red-painted lips, and with a hearty toast to the evening drains the cup.


I feel you should use a variation on the word red to differentiate between the two or state that they match.


~~~


Something clean and silk.

Sometimes fragments work but here I don't feel it does.

~~

They wait for the bus.

I don't think this is needed.

~~

They get off the bus near the Theatre,

I don't think you should capitalize 'theatre'.

~~

In the darkness of the hall the lights flicker on their faces eerily.

I think this needs a little reworking.

In the darkened hall the lights flicker across their faces eerily.

~~



Diana, Elinor and Vin are perfectly content to wait, because they feel like they've known each other from past lifetimes.

This is third person and I think most of this is in first person.


~~~

The band leader appears on the stage.

bandleader

~~


"Romance," sings the beautiful Lila. The drummer hits his drums. "Romance, ancient and true." A riff from an electric guitar.

Formating problem.


~~

Giving each one, she says, "this is an herbal mixture. It should give you some energy.


I think you should capitalize 'this'.

~~


Bo continues: Here we have a perfect link between life and death--she's got fresh-killed young lover on her breath--his dying kiss, no less!"

"I think you are missing a quote mark here.


~~

This is black arts.

I think you should add 'the' after 'is'
~~


"wait; there's beauty here and it's not just a silly show. We have a space here between the worlds. We can learn much."

I feel you should capitalize 'wait'.

~~


I have to cook dinner now but I wanted you to have these notes before I have to go.

I read it all Goe and as always I liked very much.

If you want to finish my notes tell me and I will.

Alice
769
769
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Well I haven't read this in awhile.

It's a shame that the other site is going away. Good thing we found each other before it went away.


~~~

I still feel the opening paragraph is has great deal of personality but not in a heavy handed kind of way.

~~~

Stephen I wonder if you might add that you bought her a new hat and purse for her to be put rest in?


~~

March of the Sugarplum Fairies started to play

Consider telling why they chose to play this music.


~~~

during the post-mortem they found change rattling about in her stomach.


I love this bit here.

~~

What did they do with all of her hats and bags?

This is a good tale. It would be lovely if someday if it could grow a bit more because it is such a fun read.

Alice
770
770
Review of Mother For Sale  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I sold my mother. Yes that's right, I sold her as a prostitute.

^^^Dude you have issues...I wish I had thought of it.

She raised us alone, all 16 of us. And she doesn't have a decent job. We had three fathers but they all left my mother when she no longer had any use to them.

I think you spell 16.

I think three fathers for 16 isn't be.

~~

She always came back alive to be eaten again.


I think this one needs to reworked a little.


She always came whole to us to be willing eaten again.

~~

At first i really thought this was an interesting goth fairy tale. But its a metaphor.

Not bad.

I think you add even more gruesome details to add to the surprise of it all.

Alice
771
771
Review of Long Odds  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
For what this is worth, here are my thoughts.

~~~

Ronald and the contractor eyed each other like two confrontational stray dogs who were also having a disagreement about a construction contract.


This sentence seems a bit stiff it to me. Here you could show us some color. As it reads now its color is battleship grey.


I would consider replacing ‘confrontational’ and 'disagreement'.

The first few lines to me are very important and they need to so much quickly. Their number one job is to make us want to read on. So far there's not enough of that here.


~~~

Dialog works fine.

~~~


The contractor was a mousey man with sandy hair, skin like the Pillsbury Dough Boy, and a voice that didn’t fit him, like it had been transplanted into him from a much larger man.

I thought this was very nice.

~~


“Build my house!”


I don't feel this is quite right. He has a house. Perhaps ~ 'Finish my house'.


~~~


meteor upon a tyrannosaurus

Nice metaphor!


~~


When night fell on Thorold like a meteor upon a tyrannosaurus,

Consider telling the reader that Thorold is a county, town, or a city. It through me at first and I thought it was a typo of 'the and Ronald'.


~~

I have to say that I don't know any place where a contractor could build a house without walls and a floor. What about inspectors and permits?


Its a tad fuzzy to me. What he has is a frame work with a roof? I am just not sure what the heck he has if there isn't a floor or walls to call a house?


Note~ We are building our own home out here. That is probably why this is bugging me.

~~

Some how this story reminds of Douglas Adams. Please return your sci-fi fan card if you do not know who this man was.


~~~

It also bothers that when they were unloading the truck with his furniture why did he allow them to do so if there weren't any walls?


Now this too could be explained away if they had done this before he arrived.


~~

Oh gosh he doesn't have a roof either. What the heck does he have that would allow anyone to call it a house?


~~

Ronald looked up at the now-blue sky and wiped the dew from his eyes.

Great line!

~~

Ronald was trained in advanced mathematics, business arts, and financial law.....but not the methodology of making coffee in a field.

You only use three dots to make an ellipse...
~~


A few moments crawled by before Ronald had an idea. He smiled proudly. He liked having ideas. He didn’t often get to, since most of the time it was his friend Hidden who came up with the ideas.
Ronald hydroplaned over to where the kitchen cabinets rested placidly on the ground. He opened one of the drawers in the lower half of the cabinet and pulled out a barbeque lighter with a tarnished metal barrel and a red plastic handle with a window to see how much lighter fluid was left in it. About half. He looked through the drawer for anything else useful. It was one of the weird drawers everyone has in their kitchen, where things collect and are hoarded and are never looked at again (unless you’re trying to figure out what they are). He found the second component he’d need: the coffee-maker filters that existed for no particular reason since he didn’t have a coffee-maker. He shut the drawer and opened the cupboard portion of the cabinet and got out a large can of coffee.

There is a formatting problem here. Please separate these two paragraphs.

~~


A few moments crawled by before Ronald had an idea. He smiled proudly. He liked having ideas. He didn’t often get to, since most of the time it was his friend Hidden who came up with the ideas.

This was very nice.

~~


“Why?” he pondered to himself, “Why me? Things like this don’t happen to me. Ever. They happen to....to people on TV. And to Squirrel.

I am sure that Squirrel is a friend of his. I fell you say so.

Also the ellipse rule is not being followed. I'm afraid that I am going to have to write you a ticket for that. You do this several times through out the story. I think that’s at least on ticket with a fine of fifty cents.

~~~

Then those two weeks ago,

Consider dropping the word 'those'.


~~~

Galapagos? I am sure there really isn't a town there at all. I do not see how he could go there and see a realtor about land.


~~~


Finding a contractor required cross-country treks on camelback.


Where the heck is he that he suppose to be? He's got green grass, and has to ride a camel cross-country? Wow, Canada is where more bizarre then I remember. All I recall was great Coke in little bottles, no ketchup for your fires but vinegars good and Bald Eagles.

~~


There was three and one half knocks at the door.


I think it should be 'were' instead of 'was'.

~~

“The Squirrel”’s

I think it should be

"The Squirrel's"

~~

Ah now I know your hitchhiker and you've brought your white towel with you. Komodo dragons and lemon custards ~ I’d have thought that they were more like raspberry custards or lime myself.

~~~


The three suns, all of which were setting, were round and golden brown, like breaded chicken balls in the sky.


Hey didn't you tell me this was Canada?


Do you mean that reality has shifted? I think you should state so a little more clearly. It's a big shift and we that walk slow need some help to catch up.

Perhaps you are trying to convey almost from the start that this here but not? If so, them you should state this much early on.

~~~

A butterfly flaps it’s wings in central park and makes it rain in Bangladesh.

Got love Ray Bradbury!

~~



Ah... No you meant when they went through the door.


~~

Perhaps, Earl considered, humanity was one big Pavlovian experiment.

Why would we be trained to salivate when a bell wrung?

Maybe change this to Schrodinger's cat theory? I think this would fit the story better. you open the door its a different world. Was the world different before they walked through the door or was that way anyway?

~~~

I am looking for that song now. I hope you are happy with yourself.

~~


The reason she’d started up the music is because she was thinking. Not just thinking. Observing.


I think the grammar off here.

The reason she'd started up the music WAS because she was thinking. Not just thinking but observing.

~~

Now it feels a little Lewis Carroll to me also.

~~

It was over ten feet long, with loose pebbly skin and a tail like a boa constrictor sewn to it’s bottom. The fangs in the open mouth trailed saliva. It’s claws were at least two inches long and the limbs were short and powerful.

Here you use it's as a possessive. The word is not and never is. The only time you use it's is when its a contraction for it is. Other than that it's its.

~~


Brilliant ending.


A fun read.

I did chuckle out loud at the cornflake box.



The titles not bad and I can see why you chose it. However you may wish to use the title as something a little more colorful and a bit more of clue as to what lay ahead of the reader. Consider


Lemon Custard of Komodo Dragons
772
772
Review of Grandpa's Egg  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
I think this is the flash for the horror luv. You missed the : in the bitem.

Anyway on to the read.

I like the title.

Pretty good!

Alice
773
773
Review of Payback Time  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hi Peggy,

I like the ending. I think this would be a stronger read if you concentrated on that more.

Alice
774
774
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (3.5)

Hello,

This is up in the Going Pro Showcase for an r/r/r.

~~


I'm not sure about the title. I think it’s a little too well used.

~~


I like the idea of a moon party.

~~

As a cat owner I don't feel a cat would check to see if their ears were straight.

Consider

Fur was neat.

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“Meoww, yes I am” replied Colin Cat.

I think it should be 'meow'.

There should be a comma after 'am'.

~~

twitch of

I do not think of cow tales as twitch.

Perhaps

Swish

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Picking up his fiddle, Colin Cat skipped out the door. “Hello” called Milly Cow with a twitch of her tail. “Are you ready for the party?” asked Milly.

I think 'Picking up his fiddle, Colin Cat skipped out the door.' should be separated from the other sentences.

~~

asked Milly.

I don't think you should say Milly again. You have already stated she was speaking.

~~

I play the fiddle and you cannot skip and play.

~~

Scampering into the kitchen he quickly checked that the food was ready.


I think it would be really fun to know what it is he was making.

~~~
“Good, this should be a great moon party” he said.

Comma after 'party'.

~~~

Glancing up, he found that the moon was where it was supposed to be, in the sky.

Where else would the moon be?

~~

“Yes” said Peter Dish as he came through the garden gate, “I have brought the plates for the party”.

Comma after 'yes'.

Period after 'gate'.

~~


“Hello” called Suzy Spoon, “Are we ready for the moon party?”


Comma after 'hello'.

Period after 'Spoon'.

~~~

“Yes” Peter Dish and Danny Dog said at the same time.

Comma after 'yes'.

~~

All the friends were happy to see each other

Comma after 'other'.

~~

Colin Cat played the fiddle and sang “Hey Diddle Diddle, the Cat and the Fiddle”

Period after ‘sang’.

~~

Colin Cat sang “the cow jumped over the moon”.

Comma after ‘sang’.

Capitalize ‘the’.

~~

Danny Dog laughed and laughed to see such fun as Milly Cow jumped again.
Colin Cat played the fiddle, Danny Dog laughed and Milly Cow jumped higher and higher until she jumped over the moon.

Formatting problem.

~~

“What a great moon party” said Colin Cat and Milly Cow as they went home.

comma after ‘party’.



I think this is a sweet idea.

I would like you to address what happened to the cow. Did she come down?

Alice
775
775
Review of Possession  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)




Hello,

This is up for an r/r/r in the Going Pro Showcase.




Title works well.

I like the tag too.

Lots of visual in the first few lines.


~~~

He was crying.

Which he? Is it the policemen crying or is the black man?


~~~


He hitched his thumb toward room thirty-two.

Nice line.

~~~

He chuckled nervously sipping at his black coffee.


I liked this one too.

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Wonderful sinister foreshadowing set in the dialog.


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I like the Elizabeth doll. Creepy.

~~~


Jack Stone grabbed the pills and stepped back, studying them as if they were rat turds.


Hairless rat turds? ; )

Good line.

~~~

He was a big man, almost seven foot, a barrel of a chest and arms like tree branches.

Great!

~~~



Jack looked around as if he thought their were someone in the room with him.


I think it should be 'there' instead of 'their'.

~~~

I think I'm nuts but are the names from characters from King?

~~~


I think the dialog works very well.


~~~


It’s an interesting story because of the connection between possession and insanity.



~~~


Something rattled busily across the floor, like the rolling of a metal flashlight. In the midst of his terror, Tony heard footsteps softly, quickly padding across the floor.

Great writing.

~~~


The eye thing works well. Windows to the soul and all.


~~~

Also the dolls are said to be able to hold souls.


~~~

I wonder if in this story you’re trying to imply that vampires, grays and demons?


~~~

I keep on being reminded of "The Shining", nothing blatant but with room number close to 237, the use of the name Tony and Jack.

~~~

The last line worked well.


~~~

I like to have a bit more after Tony gets home.


Fun stuff!

Alice
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