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2,441 Public Reviews Given
4,528 Total Reviews Given
I'm good at...
You'll get a mixture of proofreading and editing advice. I generally do a line by line.
Favorite Genres
Horror, fantasy, Sci-fi.
Least Favorite Genres
Do not care for works that straight dramas.
Favorite Item Types
Micro fiction, flash fiction, short stories, and chapters.
Least Favorite Item Types
I know little of poetry and I do not care for straight dramas.
I will not review...
I review most things.
Public Reviews
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751
751
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This one doesn't have an opening TZ statement. I think it should because you have one at the end.




Had the finest clothes and also had plenty of money.

This doesn't seem complete to me.



I really love your name choice of Lilly.


Great idea!!


The biggest thing that I would do is cut down on your use of 'she' at the beginning of a some of your sentences. I feel it took away from the pace of the story.



Alice
752
752
Review of The Black Rose  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hi and welcome to the board!

First thing that would make this a better is to put more space between the paragraphs. This will make it easier to read.




they see me betrays them

I am not sure if you meant to write 'betrays'. I was thinking perhaps ;betraying'.




I have to say this doesn't feel like a fairy tale to me. But other that is was a nice tale.


Alice
753
753
Review of Life before you  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey welcome to the board!

You should capitalize the first letters of each word in your title.



Where do I start the words to forgetting you

This line here...I wonder if you it should be 'start'. I think 'find' might sound a little better.


Other than that it seemed to work very well.

I saw nothing else that needed attention.

Alice
754
754
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Certainly the sentiment is beyond sweet.

The only thing that I would change is presentation of it. Incase you don't know how to center it you can find the info where edit your work on the left hand conner there is a list of codes for you to use.

I would also place the title of the wonderful poem in bold.


Wells that my two cents.

Alice
755
755
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Sometimes someone comes along who changes our outlook on life and causes us to explore cetain things we wouldn't have ordinarily explored.

I think it should be 'certain'.

~~

I would like to this piece spaced out. Most of the paragraphs touch each other. I feel it would read if it did not.

~~

This was good for the soul.




Alice
756
756
Review of Golden  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
WOW, this has been read by so many people and it has a ribbon.

Formating looks perfect.

The title is spot on as well.

~~

His voice trembled, as did his smile.

This is very visual.

~~


Well this was very charming.

I would like there to be a bit more to it. However I can see the value of the simplicity of it also.

Alice
757
757
Review of The Code  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Welcome to the board!

Did you know that was first on the list of this weeks Fantasy Newsletter?

~~

I like that you place the title on the page. You should consider also placing in bold. This will allow to stand out a little more. To do this you {} at the front of the title and the back end of it as well. Inside the front brackets place a b. In the other place /b inside the brackets.


If you go to the box where you edit your story on the left hand corner in bold is a link that will show all kinds of options to do little things to your work.


~~

I hope that you will separate each paragraph with one extra space. This will make it easier for someone to read it.

If you have chapters you can indicate them with ***, #, ~~.


~~~

I think the opening does its job well. You set up the story and I wanted to read more.

~~

No one would be happy, and now everyone was happy. This was what everyone was taught, and that was what Ichta believed wholeheartedly.


I think you should consider cut out some of the redundancy of it.


No one would be happy, and now everyone was. This was what everyone was taught, and that was what Ichta believed wholeheartedly.


~~~

I would also list this story as technology.


~~~

GREAT read.


So smart! Such a quick read.



Please let me know if you want someone else to read anything of yours.



Alice
758
758
Review of LONE WITNESS  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello and welcome to the board!

Your opening was top rate.




"Hey man, that's really weird, look". We'd passed the second floor and "Skinny" points,
"No landing, no doors! What'd they do with the second floor?"


Do you see how the are stuck together? They should placed apart.




Pretty good.



Somehow I think you've been writing fiction for a while now.

Alice
759
759
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is one I have been meaning to read forever.

It's been on the front page of writing.com so many times.

~~

Great opening line.


~~

I love that you have colored the word heart in your title.

~~

Dusty-gray sheets draped over the lumpy furniture giving them the appearance of a group of sleeping giants.


Cobwebs hung thick in every corner as if generations of spiders had made their homes here, one upon the other, until the webs extended out toward the center of the room like delicate lace sheets blowing gently in the breeze.

Within the small room, old clothes hung down in heaps from wire hangers like the unraveled wrappings of ancient mummies.

A soft, hoarse whisper echoed through her head like the hissing of a snake disturbing the cloud of hot steam that enveloped the shower stall.


I thought these were all wonderful!

I am giving this a four. It's not higher to me because of one thing. for me you have far to many sentences that start with 'she'. If you could weed some out I think the story would be really close to a five.


Most of this is just right. Well done. If you take out a few of the 'she's' I will re-rate it.






Alice
760
760
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
“I know. I’ve seen some of your unpublished work.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Nothing. Don’t get defensive! It’s just that I know when my inspiration has worked on you and when it hasn’t.”

I thought this was really nice.


Over all its cute.

Great ending.

I known that is just and interview and as such it works just fine. But I would love to see you add some more to it.

I have read every entry in Sage's contest. And this by far is my favorite.

There is a wonderful ring of truth and humor to it. Great job.

Please consider looking at my contest. I am sure you should find something to buy from my shop of curios'.

I found nothing that needed attention.

Alice
761
761
Review of 100 Hours to Hate  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Consider placing the title in bold. {} at the front of and the back of your title. Inside of the first one place a b. In the other place /b inside of the brackets.

You should be able to find notes on how do all kinds of things. When you edit your story in black is link. Its the one right above the box you place your story into.

~~

images that flitted across her mind. Gently, she opened one eye and looked across the warped floor boards,

floorboards.

~~

First paragraph you start far to many lines with one word She. I would consider either giving her a name or reworking some of them so you do not have so many stating the same way. This bogs down a story.

~~

Four blank walls interrupted only by a doorway.

Great

~~


The dancing notes disappeared as a form filled the doorway. The form was brutal and filled the width of the doorway.

I would change the second use of filled to consumed.


~~

He hacked and dredged up a volume of mucous which her then spat to a corner of the room where it landed like a dead animal breaking the muck covered surface of a swamp.

Its the "which her then" that has me puzzled W.

~~

his nasal voice dragged like an icicle across glass.

Nice

~~

She screamed as he squeezed her ankle bones

anklebones

~~


Shards of electricity shot through her scalp and pin pricks of light

pinpricks

~~

The giant dredged up another ball of mucous from his sinuses and hawked it into his palm which he then proceeded to smear deep into the now reddened flesh between her legs.

Comma after palm.

~~


The giant’s cold blue eyes hammered into hers and she blinked and looked away. “Nyunh ah…I like ya bare.” He drew out the R sound and licked his swollen lips with his forked tongue again.

Good!

~~~

She looked the pills and then the sustenance and then back into the imposing eyes of the giant. This time her voice remained constant. “What’s in the can?”

I think it should be "She looked AT the pills

~~

A breadful of beans was partway to her lips when she heard The Giants breath come in fast guttural streams.

Do you really mean breadful? I have no idea what that word means.

~~

Beneath the tissue paper, resing in folds was a sundress that felt like silk.

I think it should be resign.


~~


. “You know. It’s missing something.

Your missing a quote here.

~~
His words slithered around his jaundiced teeth and hung before her like a threat.

I think Jaundice can only pertain to the coloring of skin? I might be wrong on that W.

~~

She smiled at him then as his eyes grew wide.

I think you need a comma after him.

~~`

“Can you tell me what happened to you?

You missed the quotation mark at the end.

~~

Good ending.


The reason its 4 for me is that over all it works well.

The only thing I missed was how she escaped her ordeal.

There was some nice writing and for the most part it was easy to follow.

It's not higher than a 4 because it's not a story that will live for a long time in my heart and mind. It may for other readers.

There were some nice moments. You have a storyteller inside of you. This just wasn't the story for me.

Alice
762
762
Review of ReMarket  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Welcome to the board!

It's not that short of a short story.

I've seem micro flashes of 50 words.

~~

“Does it work?” Flanks eyed the gravsphere with mild interest.

Its fine you have a made up word. I would suggest that you perhaps give the reader a little more info about it.


~~

“It could.”, the vendor,

I would take out the comma after ".

~~


Sake, promised in the optimistic way of all salesmen everywhere.


The familiar feeling of another day wasted settled in on Flanks’ soul.

The best stuff was never on display with the legal items. Vendors tested buyers, and once satisfied you weren’t there to arrest someone, the real deal could happen.


Great lines.



You should be a writer.


Alice
763
763
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Consider placing the name is bold. If you need help let me know.




As I stared across the field at the red-roofed white farm house,

farmhouse




every effort was brushed aside by mother.

consider

mother brushed every effort aside.




she was surrounded by my grandparents, aunts, uncles and several of my cousins of various ages and in the house where she grew up.

consider

my grandparents, aunts, uncles and several of my cousins of various ages and in the house where she grew up surrounded her.




She realized my dilemma and decided to have mercy on me and let me save some of my dignity. “Well, maybe you are right, but I know what you are doing. You can’t have a drink and you can’t distract me from sending you to bed by arguing with me. You get to bed now.”

Good writing.



The last paragraph where the picture is transformed from one of a country road to one of demon did not work for me. What would suggest is that you have her enter it and travel down the road with the demon stocking her.

If you do something more with the ending let me know.

Alice
764
764
Review of Muse  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello,

You did the code for the italics funky. {} are needed and not []

[i]talented[/i]-

~~

It's nice to read something that feels like a story. Most of the things that I have read about them are snips or poems. This has more to it than a lot them and I have read a great deal about muses lately.
765
765
Review of Purpose of a Poem  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wonderful
766
766
Review of A dream of a muse  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Lovely to read.

I don't understand the last line but everything else was spot on.

Alice
767
767
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
we're off out.”

This maybe an English saying but to my ears it seems as if you are missing a word here. I wouldn't mind the conjunction 'and' after the word 'off'.

~~


Classical music flowed out of the cars speakers and the last thing she could remember was her eyes feeling heavy, then ....

I have read that ellipses always come in threes.

~~

Looking behind her all she could see was the same walk running into the dark foreboding shadows of the wood. No arrow pointed in that direction.

Nicely done.

~~


Crack. Suzy caught her breath and held it. Somewhere in the shadows to her right a twig broke. Or had been broken, her mind added. She was scanning the wood to see if any of the shadows moved. The darkness was thick and oppressive. It could have been a large wood, for all she knew, but she could not tell, the darkness swallowed the trees up only after three rows.

Nicely written. I can see this so clearly.

~~

A memory of nights laid in her bed listening to her parents argue

Consider

Memories of nights laid in her bed listening to her parents argue

~~

If there was anyone around you'd hear something.

Consider changing 'was' to 'were'.

~~


A large wooden thing with big round, brown, knobs.

I would combine this with the one that came before it.

~~

She came across three people that she knew. Her Dad as a kid, and his Mum and Dad.

I would combine these as one.

~~

as the sticky red ooze splttered her face.

I think you have a typo here 'splttered'.

~~

All her common sense had fled and left her alone without caution.

great line!

~~

The stench was disgusting, her eyes started to water as soon as the door was opened. There were bodies of cats, small dogs, and a few birds. A clothesline had been hung from one side of the room to the other and like a set a perverse clothes bits of skin had been hung to dry. She could not stop her stomach from ejecting what little it had into this abode of sickness.

How wonderfully icky!

~~

It was titled “Psycho.” “No s*** Sherlock.” She gasped as she turned toward the dining room. “I could have guessed that.”


Cute

~~


She walked out of her bedroom and to her parents bedroom door.

I think it should be 'parent's.

~~
I loved the ending.

What wet fun romp.
768
768
Review of Chameleon  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I am a huge muse hunt. I found this one today.

Very nice.

Nothing to improve. Its fine the way it is right now.

Alice
769
769
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
contemptously over my shoulder

Spelling

contemptuously

~~

"I'm trying," I said

i think you should place a period after 'said'.

~~

"You don't have writier's block, you pussy.

Spelling

writer’s

~~

of the that f***-you attitude that is crushed

I think you should remove 'the'.

~~

that wimp mask you'er using." he said.

typo

you're

~~


"What do you want me to do? I'm a failure at this, and I'll never succeed. Why would anyone publish some hack teenage wanna-be!" I replied.
He stared at me dumbfounded for a moment before his eyes hardened.

These need to seperated.

~~

childish story-writer." he said

I think you need a comma after 'story-writer' and a period after 'said'.

~~


"Follow the path and see where it leads. Once you have it down, then comes the fun part. Rhyme, alliteration, iambic pentameter, imagery, stream-of-consciousness, use it all if you want.

I would remove the period after 'part' and replace it with a :

~~


"That sounds like a disaster in the making" I replied doubtfully.

There isn't a punctation mark after 'making'.

~~

I would say this has a lot personality to it. That's a great thing. Keep it up.

Alice
770
770
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
I am jet self-elected leader of the group; come follow me into the jungle clearing.

Jet needs to be capitalized.

~~
Come meet Barry, he spends most of his time asleep in the old teapot that nestles over there by the old alter stone, left behind by missionaries.

I would remove 'Come'.

~~


Characters:-

Jet - The Jaguar
Polly- The Guacamaya bird (Parrot)
Iggy- The Iguanna
Barry- The Bat
Francesca- The Flamingo
Miguel- The Spider monkey
Upright Being- The Human Moon flower.

You shouldn't do a list. This a not an epic novel. You should instead show us what and who they are in the story.

~~
Alice
771
771
Review of Died To Match  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I was thinking of getting my own group. I rather dissatisfied with the ones I have found here.

I tend to write horror, sci-fi , fantasy, slipstream, supernatural kinds of tales. I want a group that focuses on these. I've really only found either horror or fantasy.

Want I want is an active list of members. I do not want a hundred. I'd be happy with five. I should either be and active writer in one of these areas or r/r/r's in that area. Both would be great.

I thought of you.

~~

Here's a note on the story.



Formating looks really clean. Its easy to read.



Titles cleaver.



~~
Opening paragraphs are very important.


This night holds my attention. Tight in my head where that voluminous inky void dwells, heightening senses until their coalescing is an unrelenting itch nothing can scratch. Just one more…maybe two. I tell no lie. This wondrous expectation is almost too great a joy, therefore, the exaltation abides deeply entombed where witness or sharing of emotion remains disallowed. Refusing entrée to my
ingrained nature is inviolable. That rapture is mine alone.


This night holds my attention. ~~I am not sure if this line belongs with the rest of the paragraph.



Tight in my head where that voluminous inky void dwells, heightening senses until their coalescing is an unrelenting itch nothing can scratch.

Do you mean to say the heighten senses cause the void? If so then this needs reworked a tad. As it stands now it seems to me that you are saying your mind is a dark void. How it can be void and full of heighten senses?

Just one more…maybe two. ~~ This makes no sense because its mixed in with the others.



~~

I see you've added to the story from its original post. That's good. I like to see someone who tends to their stories, adding taking this, taking out that.

~~

My breath quickens, threatens to explode my lungs to shreds of non-breathing organ while I inspect. Standing vigil, I’m aware of the importance of watching, it is vital, something akin to love. The ecstatic yearning I posses is of a voyeur, the sensation proper people crave and accomplish, yet refuse to acknowledge as a trait. I don’t mind admitting the need, in fact, rather enjoy the franticness those responses provide while swimming around in all that dark, making my core oversensitive with desire.

I like this much better than the opening paragraph. Perhaps you should consider placing it as the opening.

~~

Cats slither stealth-like along the alley in pursuit of prey; dogs inhale the blacktop with diligence for traces of scent driving them mad with longing.

Cats do not slither.

~~

You have an interesting style. I feel its poetic in many ways but it also feels forced. Like your the kind of writer that thinks about each word.

I would like to see a bit more of a balance between organic writing and careful jeweled writing.


Truly I think you have more than a little talent.

Alice
772
772
Review of Fate  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)

Here's what I think.



It is dark. Really dark.

Consider

It's dark, really dark.

~~

Oh wow, this is second person pov. Tricky, we'll see if it works here.
~~

For this kind of pov it worked pretty well.

Alice
773
773
Review of Marius  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
He gives a small laugh, almost musical in nature. Another thing I like about him. Marius’ taste in music, is close to mine, along with 80’s rock, he’s into some operas, and Native American drums. I’m Christine to his Phantom so to speak. We’re happy to think of each other as such. For a while each night, I’m unable to break free of his power. Words flow like notes across the paper.

I loved this paragraphs the best. I have to confess this is when I thought if we knew each other in the flesh that we might be friends.

I did not see a thing to change.

Alice
774
774
Review of The Nice Ones  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Best flash I ever read!
775
775
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Its fur was puffed out to the point that it resembled the world biggest ball of naval lint ever collected.

Great line.

The ending I felt was WEEK. Too bad because it was a fun little ride.

But other than that it was clear and cleaver. I hope you do the story a favor and find its true ending.

Alice
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