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776
776
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Hello,

This up for the Going Pro Showcase for an r/r/r.


I liked the title.

The first paragraphs a real knock out!

Hp would be proud.


~~

I think I must have been an historian or perhaps an archiver of ancient texts.

Spelling ~ archivist

~~~

deeper than the voids of interstellar space.”Get me out this madness!”

You need a space after the word 'space.'

~~~


A gleam of light appears a short distance ahead.”What now?”


You need a space after the word 'ahead.'


~~~

They in turn, called him.”Professor King, you were a colleague of his and a friend. Your thoughts?”

You need a space after the word 'him.'


I wonder if King and HP would be friends. I think so. They would at least written.



~~


“The professor had a sleepwalking condition,” said King somberly.”Last


You need a space after the word 'somberly.'


~~~


“So,” said Ashton, “that explains the pentagram and the chaos around the room, but whose blood is the pentagram made of, and why did Professor Lovington run headfirst into that mirror over there?” King made no reply. “Poor bastard. I don’t like mysteries, and I don’t believe in ‘evil grimoires’,” Ashton said, firing up a filtered Malboro.”That experimental medication is a promising lead though. Do you know the name of that scientist at Miskatonic, King?”


I think this should be broken into two paragraphs after 'no reply.'

~~~

Ashton said, firing up a filtered Malboro.”That experimental medication is a

I think you should place a space after the word 'Malboro.'

It a great read. I think even if your not into Hp most should enjoy the imagery of the story.

Alice
777
777
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello,

This is in the Going Pro Showcase for an r/r/r.

Even the name is a poem.

It was nice to not read a poem about the same old thing. This about so much more than lost love. It was even bigger then death. Nor was it about nature being lovely and sweet.

When read aloud it was almost music.

I saw nothing to improve it.

Alice
778
778
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)


Hello,

This was up for r/r/r in the Going Pro Showcase.

the stares
the thoughts
the words
that slammed into her body

^ I really liked this part. I thought it was very strong.

I can see why this has gotten high marks.

I don't feel this one has a real conclusion. For it doesn’t show a complete picture.

Alice
779
779
Review of Captured Images  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello,

This is up for a r/r/r in the Going Pro Showcase.


The title I found to be intriguing.

I also really liked the tag line.

The formatting looks good.

~~~~

The first paragraph seems fine. It gives us the stories setting shows what the good Doctor looks like and tells something about the storyteller.


~~~

He uses his hands in his day-to-day communication with the same zip a seasoned comic can bounce one-liners off a partner.

Great line dear writer.

~~~~

He uses his hands in his day-to-day communication with the same zip a seasoned comic can bounce one-liners off a partner.
His whole manner attracts: from his refined body language on one end of the spectrum, to the vibrancy and spontaneity of his facial expressions on the other.

To me these two lines seem to contradict each other. I never think of a comic as having a refined body language. Comic's body language seem more like loud and expressive, not refined.


~~~~



His press agents make note of his advanced deafness, but his talk is not diminished by his being deaf.



I think you should cut 'by his being deaf'. I feel it is not necessary. You already state it. There is no need to do it again.


~~~~

In the third paragraph you need to use is name to break up the use of the pronouns.

~~~~


Now he’s lecturing and performing his own sonnets on stage.


Great line!

~~~


At this point I am almost willing to beat that this a vampire tale. If so who is the vamp? I think narrator is.

~~~

I catch sight of him shortly after the hall has emptied, alone at a café table, and he has not taken note of my approach. I am surprised to see his face still and meditative. I am excited to approach him for a conversation. I am glad to be able to communicate at an intelligent level thanks to my study of sign language in college out West. These details about myself are the formalities I toss his way first. Soon, however, the shared conversation is pleasantly forward. We talk more directly than I find in most conversations with men. Is it his penetrating eye contact?

I introduce myself and welcome him to New York. He asks three things, rapid-fire, as if starved for information. Am I from New York? Do I prefer The New Yorker or The Paris Review? And which bridge is easier to jump from…if I turn him down for dinner? Studying the articulations of the past has given him an irresistible basis for the modern come-on, I muse to myself. I really have to read more.

~~ I find it a bit odd that she introduces herself after they have she tells him where she studied sign language from. Wouldn't you this first?

~~~~

You have wonderful way of ending paragraph is a touch humor and intelligence.

~~~~

In paragraph 11 I feel you should use is name at least once instead of a string of he's.

~~~


In the room, it is like we are bathed in golden light. We both allow a moment to be dazzled. It is deep into the night past the windows, but here in this modern Versailles recreation hall, it's a day in the park. The golden coverlet of the spacious bed makes a likely sandbox. I sit and pull off my heels, curling my toes and then settling onto the mattress. I pull my legs in under my thighs and motion to my sweet scholar.



I really thought this was quite good.

~~~~


Well I read every word three times. At first the ending was a tad unclear but I think that was me.


I think is this sexy and so smart. Best of all it has that wonderful use of language that transcends short stories into literature.

I will give this a 4.5

Really close to a 5.

Alice
780
780
Review of Dearly Beloved  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
This is the Going Pro Showcase for r/r/r.


I really liked the title.

The format looks great.


~~~~~

"Dang kids!" he muttered, slowly rising from his chair.


Why do you think he is passing out candy on Halloween if dislikes the kids?



~~~~


I love that you have interspersed the poem in the story.


~~~



"Trick or treat!" chanted a miniature Batman, Spiderman, is that a purple dinosaur? and hobo.

I think it should be 'and a hobo'.

~~~~


and disappeared into the night.


This not a big thing but when its that time of year around here they do not disappear into the night, they go next door.


~~~



Closing the door, he sat the dish on the table and shuffled back to his comfortable old chair where his open book awaited him.

Good line!


~~~~


This time, he was visited by two little witches, a ghost and a princess.


Consider,


This time, two little witches, a ghost and a princess visited him.

~~~


When she passed away two years back, he had been devastated.


Ed had been devastated when she passed away two years back.


~~~~


Ahh you did tell me why he passed out the candy.



~~~~


The comfortable old chair wrapped around him like a warm hug.


Nice line!

~~~

She had kept up her end of the conversation and hadn't played those silly games the girls ususally played.

spelling ~~ usually

~~~



He thoughts kept drifting back to his beloved.



I think it should be.

His thoughts kept drifting back to his beloved.

~~~`


Okay it wasn't until a moment ago that I recalled what the poem was really about. I man haunted be his lose of the women he loved.

I wonder what came first, the idea of working a story around this poem or a man's dead wife coming back for a visit?

Halloween is course a perfect choice the dead are said to walk the Earth on that night.

~~~

The doctor couldn't find a suitable diagnoses for her condition.


Consider


The doctor couldn't find a suitable diagnosis for her condition.


~~~~



He tugged at the afghan, seeking comfort in the fact that Rosie had lovingly made it.

Good line

~~~~

floatig on the floor
Shall be lifted--nevermore!

You have missed the n in floating.


~~~


Hmm perhaps tells us what kind of candy he pass out might be a nice touch?



~~~

It seems to me that you have described how Poe's wife died similarly? It sounded as if they had died with TB.


I think you should place more of the poem into the story. Not as quotes but in more subtle ways.


I can see why you picked this one out. I do think it is very, very good!

Alice
781
781
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello,

Welcome to the board.

I am returning the r/r/r that you were so kind in doing for me.

I am thrilled to see we have another person who likes writing things that are rather dark

~~~~

Title ~~ clever, but you should capitalize the some of the other words.

Format ~~~ I think you space out the paragraphs more.




The young boy pulls ~~ Consider replacing this with an age. To me this is a little to vague.


Other than that the opening works well!






“She yelled at me just cause im white.” ~~~ I think you should make 'im' to I'm





Hurling his body into the air, he has no respect for consequences or his bones. ~~~ good line





He catches the lowest branch of the dogwood tree with the ease of a trapezist. spelling ~~~ trapezes




He catches the lowest branch of the dogwood tree with the ease of a .

See the a .


Also think there is a missing word here.






He pulls his BB gun out of the pillow case that he keeps hanging from the tree and pumps is a few times. ~~~


Pillowcase is one word.






Aiming very carefully he shoots the sheet of metal that hangs from string beside his best friends window. ~~ I think you should place a comma after 'carefully'.






He sprints through the living room. He gains speed and jumps into the hallway.


~~~ Consider


Sprinting through the living room, he gains speed and jumps into the hallway.






He pauses and knocks a super secrete pattern that could never be decoded: Knock, pound, knock knock pound. ~~~
I think you should place a commas 'knock, knock, pound.'




GREAT Boy stuff going on!





Enter if you dare, to the boys. Travis enters and is immersed in blue.

It took me a moment to understand ~~~Enter if you dare, to the boys. ~~I think you should rewrite it a bit.


~~~ Travis enters and is immersed in blue.

Because of use of the word 'enter' in the pervious sentence I think you should use another word.






Another blanket is tacked to the top of the door frame and gently flows at a

Doorframe is one word.






A few gut churning heaves and partial suffocation later, a huge pile of regurgitant lays next to the boys quavering face.
~~ Spelling ~~~ Regurgitate





Curiosity takes him hostage, he slowly spreads his legs. ~~ Great line!





Travis takes a moment to think about this before his face contorts into a bewildered grimace. ~~~ Great line





Travis readies himself as Ryan takes a few steps back, he holds the hockey stick like a shotgun.

Consider


Travis readies himself as Ryan takes a few steps back, holding the hockey stick like a shotgun.







Travis slams the door into the creatures side, ~~ I think it should be creature's





The size of a bobcat, it runs like a gorilla, mostly using is hind legs.


Consider

The creature was the size of a bobcat, and used the hind legs like a gorilla.






Generations of hate creep onto Ryan’s face, his eyes burn with a lust for violence, and the loss of his mother fills the part of his brain that used to house self-preservation. ~~ GREAT LINE





Reaching the last door on the right, It recognizes Ryan’s familiar scent. ~~ I do not think you should capitalize 'it'.





It immediately rears up on it’s hind legs and slams it’s body into the door.

The word its is always its.





Travis drop his ropes and steps on them.


You should add an 's' to drop.






Finally, the things head emerges form the blanket. It looks directly to Ryan and snaps its jaws, the six inch canines whipping past its lower mandible. Travis pushes the grill starter, ~~~ it should be six-inch


and the creatures head snaps toward him ~~ creatures should be creature's



You need to have the last line to 'more'. The ending is the payoff. Where I really liked the ride and I glad that the boys made it the last line is flat. AND I KNOW through just this one story YOU CAN DO BETTER than ' “It’ll be OK.”



Great action!

Great fun!


If you give it another ending I'll up my rating.

Alice
782
782
Review of Queen of Cherries  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

This was up for R@R on the Going Pro Showcase list.


I love the title.

This was my favorite line. ' into dark chocolate childhood.'

Congratulation on having this poem published. I can see why it was expected.

Alice
783
783
Review of Stomach Ache  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
You posted this on the form to be read.



'6:15a.m. Bruce’s eyes flicked open, focused.' ~~

Please consider placing 'At' at the begining of this sentence.



His guts didn’t feel right. Groaning like an old door he attempted to sit upright, but the protests of his stomach forced him down again.

I think you should reverse the oder of these two sentences.





'but somehow more solid'

Consider removing 'somehow'.




You should introduce is name earler.




Other than that it rocked!


Alice
784
784
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.5)
You may be able to infer by my name, that I am a fan of this classic book.

I found this to be well written and there where no correction for me to note.

I like the idea of Alice visiting the White Rabbit for tea. It is a little sad that the person reading the story has out grown it and said good-bye to Wonderland. I found the imagery of her calling on him, to be charming and a tad melancholy. I sure this was your intent and you did this well.

I did also like that you implied that the White Rabbit becomes regenerated because someone new is discovering the book.

I do not feel that she was a friend with the White Rabbit. When she does arrive at his house he mistakes her for Mary Anne. I also think it is the author’s way of saying that all none rabbits look alike just as most rabbits look alike to us.

I do not agree that those that were fans of the book could every out grow it. I feel that the reason it is a classic is that as one grows and revisits Alice that find new meaning among the words. This to me is why it is a classic.


Alice ~~ Who drinks tea with her White Rabbit often.
785
785
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
The last two lines are pretty good.

Again there is not any use of capital letters.





'i've known you since childhood'

Consider ~

'Since childhood I've know you'




'we grew up in the same neighborhood'

Consider ~

'The same neighborhood we grew up'



'so i know that it was my eyes that filled you with delight'

Consider ~

'It was my eyes that filled yours with delight'


Good writing to you.
786
786
Review of missing you  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
all my books say how much i love you.

'i go to work because all i can remember is how you used to come in and tease me.'

I like these two bits the best because they demistraight how we love when we are teenagers.


~~~~~


I hope you go in and place the 'I' where they belong.



This is the best one yet!
787
787
Review of my way  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)




I would venture that this is one that you have written much more recently then the other two poems I wrote. Right from the beginning it was sophisticated.


Perhaps the other two were there out sentimentality and affection than anything else.





'you layed me back on the soft dirt'

I think you should spell the word 'layed' as laid.






and then you unbottoned my shirt

I think you should spell 'unbottoned' as 'unbuttoned'.




you told me me that you wanted me badly

I feel you should take out two of the three 'me'.

Perhaps replace one with





'i guess i wasnt' thinking about the price'

Please replace 'i' with 'I'

I think you should change wasnt' with wasn't.



we layed still til the rising of the sun

layed and til

laid and till





it took 3 months for you to come back my way


I feel you should replace 3 with 'three'.





'i said the only thingi could think of to say'

I am sure thingi is a typo.




I felt the is sexy and not in a cheap sort of way.


The ending of the poem came as a bit of shock. For me it took something away from it but I do not think you should remove it.
788
788
Review of my new love  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (3.0)

' I fell from that love and swore never to fall again.'

I thought this was nice line.

I know that this was written when you were still a teenager perhaps that is why its a little redundant.

I think you should with play the construction of this more and look for new ways to express the feelings this is trying to convey. Take it apart, see if you find something new to offer.

Alice
789
789
Review of October's Lie  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: ASR | (4.5)

Hello,

This was listed in the Going Pro Showcase.

I love the title!

The set up nicely done.


~~~

Her son’s voice reached her before his three-year-old body barreled around the corner of the house. ~~~ I thought this was very good.

“Mike, it’s all right. Dina was a very sick baby. Going to the doctor didn’t cause . . .” With all her strength, Amy struggled to control her own fear and grief. ~~~ What I liked about this is that you didn't have her finish the sentence. Instead she started another.


She knew the safety of his love as she nestled against him and let sobs rack her body. ~~~ Beautifully written.


Another October lie. She raised her hand to press fingers against trembling lips. Nothing but death and hopelessness in October.
~~~ poetry

~~~~~

“Thanks, Mom.” Amy gave a wan smile before pivoting back to the gate. ~~~ I found a typo 'wan' it should be 'warm'.

~~~~

Later that night, Mike snuggled in his bed dreaming of whatever little boys dream. Marta read in her room at the back of the house. Ross reclined in front of the television watching football. Amy bent over to kiss the top of his head on her way to the office across the hall from the living room. Sitting in front of the computer, she opened up the site for writers she had found a few minutes earlier. With a smile she filled in the last bit of information asked, “What user name do you want to use?” Her smile grew as she thought of the perfect name to use. “Octobers Lie” she typed in the blank.

Yes, perfect. October’s final lie is that it isn’t death, but just a sleep that ends in new life.

This ending is wonderful!!!


I can see why you think this is your best.

Gosh I only found one typo. Other than that I wouldn't change anything!


Alice
790
790
Review of One Word  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Cherry,

I know I've read at least one of your stories before but i haven't read this one. It was up for the Going Pro Triple Play so here we are.

The title is all right. It’s not extremely compelling.

****


Jamie stared out the window. Even though she had been at this house since she was a baby, She felt a stranger to this neighbourhood.

~~~The first line is a tad flat.

~~~The second line I'm a little perplexed by what it is your trying to convey.

~~~Please note after 'baby' you have a comma. I am sure that it was a typo.

~~~She felt a stranger to this neighbourhood. ~ spelling ~ neighborhood ~~ This maybe because your English.

The tree shaking the last of its leaves from the high branches, the dog tied to the leash in the backyard, nothing seemed to be like she remembered. ~~~ To me these things that you have listed are things that would change. Perhaps if you described in a different way.

Her knotted brown hair sticking to her wet face. ~~ As the sentence reads now it is a fragment. However if you changed it to ~~ Her knotted brown hair struck to her wet face.



She didn’t want to see it but she had to know. ~~ This reads a little cleaner. She didn’t want look it but she had to know. ~~ I think it’s the use of the word 'to' twice in the sentence. When you read the same word in one sentence it should almost always be reworked.


The big positive “+” that stared back at Jamie teased her. ~~ I feel you should spell plus instead of the "+".

Also the use of tease here I’m quite sure if that’s right. Consider mocked.

***

“Jamie,” a voice called from the kitchen. “Can you come and help please?”


Consider placing 'me' after 'help'.


***



Their snickers echoed around her. >>I'm sorry but who are 'their'.

I am sure you have us in a different place. You need to tell us so in the transform from one place to another.


***


Looking through the shopfront window she could see the shop was filled with old trinkets that someone had once found valuable. ~~~ I thought this was a great line!


The shelves were lined with dusty boxes and trinkets of memories from the past. ~~~ I would think about making another choice here. Instead of 'trinkets' maybe 'ornaments'.


, this could have been because of the girl on the front. ~~~ Consider removing this part. I don't think you need it.

Jamie could relate to the emotion of this child, but she was only an image on the front of a box. ~~ Consider removing ~ Jamie could relate to ~.


Jamie spotted an old wooded case that was hand painted and had a picture of a mother holding her child on the lid. There was something about this box that made Jamie want to buy it. The small girl appeared to be looking at Jamie, tears streaming down her face. Jamie could relate to the emotion of this child, but she was only an image on the front of a box. ~~ Over all I feel that you use her name too much in this paragraph.

****

Jamie didn’t know how long it would be before everyone could see her shame. ~~~ I think you should replace 'Jamie' with a pronoun 'She'.

***


There was something odd with it. The inside did not seem as deep as it looked. Jamie felt around the bottom until she found a small groove that allowed her to release a secret compartment. Startled at what she saw Jamie could only stare at a small book at the bottom of the box. ~~ Replace the Jamie with pronouns. It’s to redundant.


***

As Jamie lifted the small book up, a dust cloud surrounded her. ~~~

Boy thats a great deal of dust. How about ~~ As she lifted the small book up, a puff of dust arose.


Jamie laid on her bed and started to read. >> How did we get to her bed? The last place you told me we were at was at the shop. You need to tell us that she has bought the box and is at home in her room.

Perhaps they are right, this could be the work of the devil but I did not want him. ~~ Please consider removing 'but' making them two sentences instead.

***


Her long red hairb brushing against her wet face. ~~ typo 'hairb' ~~and 'hair brush' is one word 'hairbrush'.

~~~


Her mother asked in a concerned voice. ~~ Remove 'Her mother asked' said' ~~ You said 'her mother two lines before so you do not need to say it again. Consider replacing it with ~~ ' She said with a concerned voice.'


~~~

Jamie lifted the book once more and began to read. ~~~ Here I would consider having her escaping into the diary instead of facing her own reality. In your own words of course.

~~~~


I really think its a great idea to have her go back in time. However when the girl who is writing in medieval times doesn't sound like she belongs there. She sounds to modern. Also her having paper, knowing how to write as a women would very uncommon. Perhaps if you moved it in the same time that the Salem witch trial were taking place then she would be able to have those things and they would still be concerned with Satan and having a baby out of wedlock. If you want pick up who they spoke during this time either read "The Scarlet Letter or you could rent the movie. I still love that book!

***

Her interrogator moved the blade across her face, ~~ I feel you should replace 'interrogator' with 'Inquisitor'. This word has more of an antique sound to it than the other.

***

“Told you you would pay,” ~~ Place a comma in-between 'you you'.

***

Jamie fought her way past Sarah and the crowd that had gathered, she did not want to stop running. ~~ I think you should make this into two sentences.

~~~

…I am struggling to write this entry. My hands are no longer useful. The only way I can write this diary is to bribe one of the guards that are keeping me here with the little things that I have left in this world. It pains me to write these words but this is the only solace that I can find, everyone has abandoned me and all I have left is this, please do not take this away from me. These people take pleasure in watching the accused suffer. I am not alone. Many other people are here, people that I have known to be good. There is even a Priest among the accused. His God has abandoned him and there is no one left to help him. Please let this merciless killing stop…

Just because you place a break doesn't make a good change. Why are with her again and not still with Jamie?

~~~

“He came to me in the night, he showed me pleasures that no person has ever dreamt of, ~~~ Typo ~ See the comma instead of the period. Also there isn't a quotation mark at the end of the sentence.


~~


“He promised me things if I gave him my body and soul, and I did. No one could stop me. He kept coming for me, the man in black, he wanted more than my body. He wanted me to birth his child,


Again this ends with a comma and no quotation mark at the end.

~~~

This feeling was just too much to bare. ~~ This is the wrong kind 'bare' you need 'bear'.

~~~

collapsing to the ground in defeat she reached for the journal one last time. ~~~This is how the sentence appears. There is no capital at the beginning of the sentence.

~~~

The countless days that they had attacked her for a confession. >> I think it should be ~~~ There were countless days they had attacked her for a confession.

~~~


“Jamie,” a knocking sounded at the bathroom door. “Are you okay in there?”
Jamie stood up and opened the door. Her mother gave her a worried look as she spotted all of the medicine bottles lying on the ground. “Oh Jamie.”
“I’m sorry mum,” Jamie broke down into tears. “I need your help.”
Jamie’s mother wrapped her daughter in a towel and held her.



^^^

I feel you again use here name to much.

~~~



I also would like to here her mum say something other than "Are you okay." This seems to be about the only thing the poor women has to say.



~~~~~

Well I can see why you’re proud of it. I think or over all its a good piece.

I really hope that you change the time line for the other girl. It feels so off to me and prevents it from being a strong story.


Alice
791
791
Review of Journey  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (2.5)


Hi,

This is was listed for a R@R's through The Writers Workshop.


"Three O’clock in the morning." ~~~ This is not a complete sentence. You should consider combing it with the sentences that follows.

Its three O’clock in the morning and I’m in the Bus Terminal, waiting for the first trip to the big city. ~~~ Also note that did not capitalize 'city'.




It’s a little bit cold I think, as I saw others wearing their sweaters.

Consider rearranging it so that it would read ~~~ I think it must be a little bit cold because I see others wearing sweaters.

I don’t know if this could be right for me, but it’s the only thing, I can think of. ~~~ Think about removing ‘could be’ and replacing it with ‘is’.

And, hell I care, what ahead of me. ~~~ Consider ~~ The hell with what's ahead of me.

***


After ten minutes of waiting, the bus has arrived. I immediately jump in, and choose my favorite seat, which is near in the window.


The bus has arrived, and I immediately jump in. I choose my favorite seat near in the window. ~~~ This is cleaner.


While the bus is moving, my thoughts drift at home. ~~ Consider ~~~
My thoughts drift at home as the bus moves.

And hoping that by the time my parents woke up. It would be late to catch up the last bus for the City. ~~I think you are trying to say that ~~~~‘By the time my parents woke up that it would be to late for them catch up with the last bus.



Well, that if they care enough to look after me. ~~ Consider changing it to this.~~~ That is if they care enough to look for me.



I love my family, once we were happy, but some events happen, that had changed everything. ~~ Consider ~~ I love my family. Once we were happy but certain events happened that changed everything.



And now I came to the point where I can no longer bear the pain and the blame they used to say on my face, God knows I didn’t want it to happen.

~~~~ Now I come to the point where I could no longer bear the pain and the blame. God knows I didn’t want it to happen.



And, I really hate thinking of it, cause it would bring back the tears.

~~Consider ~~~I really hate thinking about it, because it brings back my tears.



And here I go again. ~~Consider ~~ Here I go again.



”Oh! Dear are you okay? Here you need this”. Said an old woman who sat beside me, handed me her handkerchief.


Consider ~~~ ”Oh dear, are you okay? Here you need this”. Said an old woman who sat beside me, handed me her handkerchief. *** This should also be separate paragraph of its own.


“Thank You”. I falter reply.” ~~ Again this should be its own paragraph.
~ Consider ~~~ “Thank you”. I reply flatly.


“Your welcome dear, what happen to you?” ~~~ This too is its own paragraph.


I try to control myself not to burst in tears with stranger and try to divert my thoughts. ~~~ Okay this is its own paragraph too.


“ I’m fine thanks”. I lied and I smiled wryly ~~ You need to place a period at the end of the sentence.


That’s the first two paragraphs of your story. If you want me come and finish it I will. Send me a note about it.

I saw the note that english wasn't what you spoke. Its not bad.





Alice
792
792
Review of Achilles Rising  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)


Great title.

along the line of aspiring Archeologists until it reached the eager. ~~~ I do not think you should capitalize archeologists.

Fluent in modern Greek, James recognized many of the ancient characters. ~~I think you should capitalize 'Modern'.


James unconciously stepped back, and the Professor seemed to shrink even more. ~~~The spelling maybe because you are English


James dared not get any closer as the professor closed and slammed the book onto the dirt, throwing his arms out as if greeting a vistor.
~~~ spelling ~~ visitor.


The old man struggled to stay afood as the winds buffeted his weak, old man's frame, but he waited.
~~typo ~~afood ~~afoot.


Although I have read this kind of story before it was interesting enough to be a very good read.


Alice
793
793
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: ASR | (4.0)


Now remember I know little about poetry.


I think because it is called 7 veils that you should have 7 stanzas. Plus you only speak of two veils and your title says 7.

Now if it did not have this title then that would be different. Perhaps if you changed the title to The Dance of Veils?

***

What I loved

Veil of night shimmers with stars
peeking through the skylight.


With absolute clarity,
With nothing but heart between us
We meld covered only
In sheer bliss.


These lines rocked^^


It’s a 4. The whole title thing through it off for me.
It’s a good title but for me it doesn't fit the poem.
794
794
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
I want to thank you for taking the time to enter my contest.

I owe 5 R@R's. If there is anything you would like for me to read please write and tell I will do my best to read them.

Please feel free to make any changes you would like.

I will be going through and reread all of the stories again at the end of the contest.


***
There is a small problem with the formatting. If you view it, them you should be able to see it.

I wondered if anyone was going to do something with that object.

Other than that, it was a fine read. I little creepy and a little sweet.

Alice
795
795
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is 1# of my R@R's thank yous for your gift to me. I still recall your story that you entered into my contest and it's the only that made touched my heart so that it made me cry.

I picked this one because it had a small amount of R@R's.


The comfort and convictions of your belief in God shines through on this piece.

Alice
796
796
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
I think you should spell out the numbers.


“Thankyou for your time,” the reporter closed the notebook and shoved his pen behind his ear.

^^ Do you see the Thankyou as one word?

I think his thoughts at the end should be brought out more.

Also you may wish to place in the same dungeon he found her in when she was locked up. He could be in the corner crying like she was when he first saw her.

This is quick and easy read.

Alice
797
797
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
The formatting is off on this too.


The ending is great.

It is a good read, clean and easy to follow.

Alice
798
798
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
#2



Great title on this.

Mina Skye. lovely name.


I adore gypsy and have done a great deal of research on the culture. So any tale that includes something about them is an interst to me.

This is a nice twist.

I wish it had been longer so that it might be a richer read.

Alice
799
799
Review of Pan(revised)  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)

Hello,

We are members of the same group Dark Dictionary.

I am here to review the five I owe you for all of your hard work.

Thank you for entering my contest.


I love Peter Pan too.

The spacing is a bit off.

For me it's an interesting read and you have captured the original tale well.

As for your ending, it is dark but it seemed a little lacking to me. But what matters are not just my thoughts. You like it and it has won a prize, so my notes on how to change this to make me happier will matter not.


It is clear you are a good writer,

Alice
800
800
Review of Pique  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.5)
nice

Your humor is such a gift.
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