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Do not care for works that straight dramas.
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776
776
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Its fur was puffed out to the point that it resembled the world biggest ball of naval lint ever collected.

Great line.

The ending I felt was WEEK. Too bad because it was a fun little ride.

But other than that it was clear and cleaver. I hope you do the story a favor and find its true ending.

Alice
777
777
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I am on writing kick.

Did I till you that I have an agent for a book?

Thanks for r/r/r's.

~~

I thought the opening worked really.

~~

You start 27 sentences with the word 'he'.

The second paragraph was especially heavy with them.

~~

Lips, thin and made up with a lipstick that was too red for her pale complexion.

I don't think you should have a comma after 'Lips'.

~~

She was dressed in a business suit. Pinstriped black jacket and matching skirt.

The second sentences is a fragment. Perhaps if you joined with the one that proceed it.

She was dressed in a pinstriped black business suit with a matching skirt.

~~~

A white blouse, that would become red when the blood flowed.

I don't think there should be a comma after 'blouse'.

~~

Besides what could happen in five minutes.

I feel you should have a question mark here.

~~

She wished that they had not given in so easily as she turned the corner onto Marsden street and the footsteps and laboured breathing followed her.

I think you should capitalize 'street'.

~~

There were no street lights on this little side road and the lights from the offices to her left were extinguished.

streetlight

~~


Kicking, screaming, he had been pushed from his mothers womb into the bitter and twisted world.

mother's

~~

When he was bad she locked him in the his bedroom.

Cut 'the' after 'in'.

~~

She died in the explosion as did the man who was in their bedroom above.

I think you need a comma after 'explosion'.

~~


In the streetlight he noticed that the blood on her blouse was a beautiful red..

Double periods

~~

Great ending.

I think it needs a small amount of work. This is to the all of the "He'. it slows it down with so many of them.

~~

Oh did you get the note that you are a member of the Horror Luv's group?

There is a new horror flash every week for the group. We give you a prompt and they you write a story of five hundred words or less. There is also a list of placing looking for stories.

Did you see that I posted Aunt Ivy up for reading?

I am so thrilled you joined Writing.com. I would hated to have lost you.

Alice
778
778
Review of The Reading  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I saw this listed in home-page. The title and subject pulled me in.

Typos parade on the page, but I could care less

Love that line.

VERY GOOD!

It's to bad that you did not place a link to story you wrote the poem about. That would have made it perfect.


Alice
779
779
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
At night the traveler huddles next to a campfire.

Perhaps you could add on to this a little. Tell us he does so because of the cold or the wild animals ect.

~~


Finally there are signs of a town. The tired hiker skirts around campgrounds and occasional buildings.

It seems to me that you changed tense from one sentence to another. I think you should change 'is'. We are in the moment of this story right?

Also the word 'tired' seems to not fit. I think what you want is~~ tie.

~~

Vin steps inside a tavern from which waft spicy scents of lunch.

I think it should be either 'a waft of spicy scent of lunch.

or ' from which wafts of spicy scents of lunch.

~~~


At four,the two walk

You need a space after the comma.

~~~

When she opens the door to her unit, they are greeted by Eleanor, relaxed on a sofa, reading.

I think you switch tenses here.

'relaxing'

~~


The sweet wine really goes to Vin's head. Elinor lifts her goblet to her red-painted lips, and with a hearty toast to the evening drains the cup.


I feel you should use a variation on the word red to differentiate between the two or state that they match.


~~~


Something clean and silk.

Sometimes fragments work but here I don't feel it does.

~~

They wait for the bus.

I don't think this is needed.

~~

They get off the bus near the Theatre,

I don't think you should capitalize 'theatre'.

~~

In the darkness of the hall the lights flicker on their faces eerily.

I think this needs a little reworking.

In the darkened hall the lights flicker across their faces eerily.

~~



Diana, Elinor and Vin are perfectly content to wait, because they feel like they've known each other from past lifetimes.

This is third person and I think most of this is in first person.


~~~

The band leader appears on the stage.

bandleader

~~


"Romance," sings the beautiful Lila. The drummer hits his drums. "Romance, ancient and true." A riff from an electric guitar.

Formating problem.


~~

Giving each one, she says, "this is an herbal mixture. It should give you some energy.


I think you should capitalize 'this'.

~~


Bo continues: Here we have a perfect link between life and death--she's got fresh-killed young lover on her breath--his dying kiss, no less!"

"I think you are missing a quote mark here.


~~

This is black arts.

I think you should add 'the' after 'is'
~~


"wait; there's beauty here and it's not just a silly show. We have a space here between the worlds. We can learn much."

I feel you should capitalize 'wait'.

~~


I have to cook dinner now but I wanted you to have these notes before I have to go.

I read it all Goe and as always I liked very much.

If you want to finish my notes tell me and I will.

Alice
780
780
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Well I haven't read this in awhile.

It's a shame that the other site is going away. Good thing we found each other before it went away.


~~~

I still feel the opening paragraph is has great deal of personality but not in a heavy handed kind of way.

~~~

Stephen I wonder if you might add that you bought her a new hat and purse for her to be put rest in?


~~

March of the Sugarplum Fairies started to play

Consider telling why they chose to play this music.


~~~

during the post-mortem they found change rattling about in her stomach.


I love this bit here.

~~

What did they do with all of her hats and bags?

This is a good tale. It would be lovely if someday if it could grow a bit more because it is such a fun read.

Alice
781
781
Review of Mother For Sale  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I sold my mother. Yes that's right, I sold her as a prostitute.

^^^Dude you have issues...I wish I had thought of it.

She raised us alone, all 16 of us. And she doesn't have a decent job. We had three fathers but they all left my mother when she no longer had any use to them.

I think you spell 16.

I think three fathers for 16 isn't be.

~~

She always came back alive to be eaten again.


I think this one needs to reworked a little.


She always came whole to us to be willing eaten again.

~~

At first i really thought this was an interesting goth fairy tale. But its a metaphor.

Not bad.

I think you add even more gruesome details to add to the surprise of it all.

Alice
782
782
Review of Long Odds  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
For what this is worth, here are my thoughts.

~~~

Ronald and the contractor eyed each other like two confrontational stray dogs who were also having a disagreement about a construction contract.


This sentence seems a bit stiff it to me. Here you could show us some color. As it reads now its color is battleship grey.


I would consider replacing ‘confrontational’ and 'disagreement'.

The first few lines to me are very important and they need to so much quickly. Their number one job is to make us want to read on. So far there's not enough of that here.


~~~

Dialog works fine.

~~~


The contractor was a mousey man with sandy hair, skin like the Pillsbury Dough Boy, and a voice that didn’t fit him, like it had been transplanted into him from a much larger man.

I thought this was very nice.

~~


“Build my house!”


I don't feel this is quite right. He has a house. Perhaps ~ 'Finish my house'.


~~~


meteor upon a tyrannosaurus

Nice metaphor!


~~


When night fell on Thorold like a meteor upon a tyrannosaurus,

Consider telling the reader that Thorold is a county, town, or a city. It through me at first and I thought it was a typo of 'the and Ronald'.


~~

I have to say that I don't know any place where a contractor could build a house without walls and a floor. What about inspectors and permits?


Its a tad fuzzy to me. What he has is a frame work with a roof? I am just not sure what the heck he has if there isn't a floor or walls to call a house?


Note~ We are building our own home out here. That is probably why this is bugging me.

~~

Some how this story reminds of Douglas Adams. Please return your sci-fi fan card if you do not know who this man was.


~~~

It also bothers that when they were unloading the truck with his furniture why did he allow them to do so if there weren't any walls?


Now this too could be explained away if they had done this before he arrived.


~~

Oh gosh he doesn't have a roof either. What the heck does he have that would allow anyone to call it a house?


~~

Ronald looked up at the now-blue sky and wiped the dew from his eyes.

Great line!

~~

Ronald was trained in advanced mathematics, business arts, and financial law.....but not the methodology of making coffee in a field.

You only use three dots to make an ellipse...
~~


A few moments crawled by before Ronald had an idea. He smiled proudly. He liked having ideas. He didn’t often get to, since most of the time it was his friend Hidden who came up with the ideas.
Ronald hydroplaned over to where the kitchen cabinets rested placidly on the ground. He opened one of the drawers in the lower half of the cabinet and pulled out a barbeque lighter with a tarnished metal barrel and a red plastic handle with a window to see how much lighter fluid was left in it. About half. He looked through the drawer for anything else useful. It was one of the weird drawers everyone has in their kitchen, where things collect and are hoarded and are never looked at again (unless you’re trying to figure out what they are). He found the second component he’d need: the coffee-maker filters that existed for no particular reason since he didn’t have a coffee-maker. He shut the drawer and opened the cupboard portion of the cabinet and got out a large can of coffee.

There is a formatting problem here. Please separate these two paragraphs.

~~


A few moments crawled by before Ronald had an idea. He smiled proudly. He liked having ideas. He didn’t often get to, since most of the time it was his friend Hidden who came up with the ideas.

This was very nice.

~~


“Why?” he pondered to himself, “Why me? Things like this don’t happen to me. Ever. They happen to....to people on TV. And to Squirrel.

I am sure that Squirrel is a friend of his. I fell you say so.

Also the ellipse rule is not being followed. I'm afraid that I am going to have to write you a ticket for that. You do this several times through out the story. I think that’s at least on ticket with a fine of fifty cents.

~~~

Then those two weeks ago,

Consider dropping the word 'those'.


~~~

Galapagos? I am sure there really isn't a town there at all. I do not see how he could go there and see a realtor about land.


~~~


Finding a contractor required cross-country treks on camelback.


Where the heck is he that he suppose to be? He's got green grass, and has to ride a camel cross-country? Wow, Canada is where more bizarre then I remember. All I recall was great Coke in little bottles, no ketchup for your fires but vinegars good and Bald Eagles.

~~


There was three and one half knocks at the door.


I think it should be 'were' instead of 'was'.

~~

“The Squirrel”’s

I think it should be

"The Squirrel's"

~~

Ah now I know your hitchhiker and you've brought your white towel with you. Komodo dragons and lemon custards ~ I’d have thought that they were more like raspberry custards or lime myself.

~~~


The three suns, all of which were setting, were round and golden brown, like breaded chicken balls in the sky.


Hey didn't you tell me this was Canada?


Do you mean that reality has shifted? I think you should state so a little more clearly. It's a big shift and we that walk slow need some help to catch up.

Perhaps you are trying to convey almost from the start that this here but not? If so, them you should state this much early on.

~~~

A butterfly flaps it’s wings in central park and makes it rain in Bangladesh.

Got love Ray Bradbury!

~~



Ah... No you meant when they went through the door.


~~

Perhaps, Earl considered, humanity was one big Pavlovian experiment.

Why would we be trained to salivate when a bell wrung?

Maybe change this to Schrodinger's cat theory? I think this would fit the story better. you open the door its a different world. Was the world different before they walked through the door or was that way anyway?

~~~

I am looking for that song now. I hope you are happy with yourself.

~~


The reason she’d started up the music is because she was thinking. Not just thinking. Observing.


I think the grammar off here.

The reason she'd started up the music WAS because she was thinking. Not just thinking but observing.

~~

Now it feels a little Lewis Carroll to me also.

~~

It was over ten feet long, with loose pebbly skin and a tail like a boa constrictor sewn to it’s bottom. The fangs in the open mouth trailed saliva. It’s claws were at least two inches long and the limbs were short and powerful.

Here you use it's as a possessive. The word is not and never is. The only time you use it's is when its a contraction for it is. Other than that it's its.

~~


Brilliant ending.


A fun read.

I did chuckle out loud at the cornflake box.



The titles not bad and I can see why you chose it. However you may wish to use the title as something a little more colorful and a bit more of clue as to what lay ahead of the reader. Consider


Lemon Custard of Komodo Dragons
783
783
Review of Grandpa's Egg  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I think this is the flash for the horror luv. You missed the : in the bitem.

Anyway on to the read.

I like the title.

Pretty good!

Alice
784
784
Review of Payback Time  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hi Peggy,

I like the ending. I think this would be a stronger read if you concentrated on that more.

Alice
785
785
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)

Hello,

This is up in the Going Pro Showcase for an r/r/r.

~~


I'm not sure about the title. I think it’s a little too well used.

~~


I like the idea of a moon party.

~~

As a cat owner I don't feel a cat would check to see if their ears were straight.

Consider

Fur was neat.

~~

“Meoww, yes I am” replied Colin Cat.

I think it should be 'meow'.

There should be a comma after 'am'.

~~

twitch of

I do not think of cow tales as twitch.

Perhaps

Swish

~~


Picking up his fiddle, Colin Cat skipped out the door. “Hello” called Milly Cow with a twitch of her tail. “Are you ready for the party?” asked Milly.

I think 'Picking up his fiddle, Colin Cat skipped out the door.' should be separated from the other sentences.

~~

asked Milly.

I don't think you should say Milly again. You have already stated she was speaking.

~~

I play the fiddle and you cannot skip and play.

~~

Scampering into the kitchen he quickly checked that the food was ready.


I think it would be really fun to know what it is he was making.

~~~
“Good, this should be a great moon party” he said.

Comma after 'party'.

~~~

Glancing up, he found that the moon was where it was supposed to be, in the sky.

Where else would the moon be?

~~

“Yes” said Peter Dish as he came through the garden gate, “I have brought the plates for the party”.

Comma after 'yes'.

Period after 'gate'.

~~


“Hello” called Suzy Spoon, “Are we ready for the moon party?”


Comma after 'hello'.

Period after 'Spoon'.

~~~

“Yes” Peter Dish and Danny Dog said at the same time.

Comma after 'yes'.

~~

All the friends were happy to see each other

Comma after 'other'.

~~

Colin Cat played the fiddle and sang “Hey Diddle Diddle, the Cat and the Fiddle”

Period after ‘sang’.

~~

Colin Cat sang “the cow jumped over the moon”.

Comma after ‘sang’.

Capitalize ‘the’.

~~

Danny Dog laughed and laughed to see such fun as Milly Cow jumped again.
Colin Cat played the fiddle, Danny Dog laughed and Milly Cow jumped higher and higher until she jumped over the moon.

Formatting problem.

~~

“What a great moon party” said Colin Cat and Milly Cow as they went home.

comma after ‘party’.



I think this is a sweet idea.

I would like you to address what happened to the cow. Did she come down?

Alice
786
786
Review of Possession  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)




Hello,

This is up for an r/r/r in the Going Pro Showcase.




Title works well.

I like the tag too.

Lots of visual in the first few lines.


~~~

He was crying.

Which he? Is it the policemen crying or is the black man?


~~~


He hitched his thumb toward room thirty-two.

Nice line.

~~~

He chuckled nervously sipping at his black coffee.


I liked this one too.

~~~~


Wonderful sinister foreshadowing set in the dialog.


~~~

I like the Elizabeth doll. Creepy.

~~~


Jack Stone grabbed the pills and stepped back, studying them as if they were rat turds.


Hairless rat turds? ; )

Good line.

~~~

He was a big man, almost seven foot, a barrel of a chest and arms like tree branches.

Great!

~~~



Jack looked around as if he thought their were someone in the room with him.


I think it should be 'there' instead of 'their'.

~~~

I think I'm nuts but are the names from characters from King?

~~~


I think the dialog works very well.


~~~


It’s an interesting story because of the connection between possession and insanity.



~~~


Something rattled busily across the floor, like the rolling of a metal flashlight. In the midst of his terror, Tony heard footsteps softly, quickly padding across the floor.

Great writing.

~~~


The eye thing works well. Windows to the soul and all.


~~~

Also the dolls are said to be able to hold souls.


~~~

I wonder if in this story you’re trying to imply that vampires, grays and demons?


~~~

I keep on being reminded of "The Shining", nothing blatant but with room number close to 237, the use of the name Tony and Jack.

~~~

The last line worked well.


~~~

I like to have a bit more after Tony gets home.


Fun stuff!

Alice
787
787
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Hello,

This up for the Going Pro Showcase for an r/r/r.


I liked the title.

The first paragraphs a real knock out!

Hp would be proud.


~~

I think I must have been an historian or perhaps an archiver of ancient texts.

Spelling ~ archivist

~~~

deeper than the voids of interstellar space.”Get me out this madness!”

You need a space after the word 'space.'

~~~


A gleam of light appears a short distance ahead.”What now?”


You need a space after the word 'ahead.'


~~~

They in turn, called him.”Professor King, you were a colleague of his and a friend. Your thoughts?”

You need a space after the word 'him.'


I wonder if King and HP would be friends. I think so. They would at least written.



~~


“The professor had a sleepwalking condition,” said King somberly.”Last


You need a space after the word 'somberly.'


~~~


“So,” said Ashton, “that explains the pentagram and the chaos around the room, but whose blood is the pentagram made of, and why did Professor Lovington run headfirst into that mirror over there?” King made no reply. “Poor bastard. I don’t like mysteries, and I don’t believe in ‘evil grimoires’,” Ashton said, firing up a filtered Malboro.”That experimental medication is a promising lead though. Do you know the name of that scientist at Miskatonic, King?”


I think this should be broken into two paragraphs after 'no reply.'

~~~

Ashton said, firing up a filtered Malboro.”That experimental medication is a

I think you should place a space after the word 'Malboro.'

It a great read. I think even if your not into Hp most should enjoy the imagery of the story.

Alice
788
788
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello,

This is in the Going Pro Showcase for an r/r/r.

Even the name is a poem.

It was nice to not read a poem about the same old thing. This about so much more than lost love. It was even bigger then death. Nor was it about nature being lovely and sweet.

When read aloud it was almost music.

I saw nothing to improve it.

Alice
789
789
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)


Hello,

This was up for r/r/r in the Going Pro Showcase.

the stares
the thoughts
the words
that slammed into her body

^ I really liked this part. I thought it was very strong.

I can see why this has gotten high marks.

I don't feel this one has a real conclusion. For it doesn’t show a complete picture.

Alice
790
790
Review of Captured Images  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello,

This is up for a r/r/r in the Going Pro Showcase.


The title I found to be intriguing.

I also really liked the tag line.

The formatting looks good.

~~~~

The first paragraph seems fine. It gives us the stories setting shows what the good Doctor looks like and tells something about the storyteller.


~~~

He uses his hands in his day-to-day communication with the same zip a seasoned comic can bounce one-liners off a partner.

Great line dear writer.

~~~~

He uses his hands in his day-to-day communication with the same zip a seasoned comic can bounce one-liners off a partner.
His whole manner attracts: from his refined body language on one end of the spectrum, to the vibrancy and spontaneity of his facial expressions on the other.

To me these two lines seem to contradict each other. I never think of a comic as having a refined body language. Comic's body language seem more like loud and expressive, not refined.


~~~~



His press agents make note of his advanced deafness, but his talk is not diminished by his being deaf.



I think you should cut 'by his being deaf'. I feel it is not necessary. You already state it. There is no need to do it again.


~~~~

In the third paragraph you need to use is name to break up the use of the pronouns.

~~~~


Now he’s lecturing and performing his own sonnets on stage.


Great line!

~~~


At this point I am almost willing to beat that this a vampire tale. If so who is the vamp? I think narrator is.

~~~

I catch sight of him shortly after the hall has emptied, alone at a café table, and he has not taken note of my approach. I am surprised to see his face still and meditative. I am excited to approach him for a conversation. I am glad to be able to communicate at an intelligent level thanks to my study of sign language in college out West. These details about myself are the formalities I toss his way first. Soon, however, the shared conversation is pleasantly forward. We talk more directly than I find in most conversations with men. Is it his penetrating eye contact?

I introduce myself and welcome him to New York. He asks three things, rapid-fire, as if starved for information. Am I from New York? Do I prefer The New Yorker or The Paris Review? And which bridge is easier to jump from…if I turn him down for dinner? Studying the articulations of the past has given him an irresistible basis for the modern come-on, I muse to myself. I really have to read more.

~~ I find it a bit odd that she introduces herself after they have she tells him where she studied sign language from. Wouldn't you this first?

~~~~

You have wonderful way of ending paragraph is a touch humor and intelligence.

~~~~

In paragraph 11 I feel you should use is name at least once instead of a string of he's.

~~~


In the room, it is like we are bathed in golden light. We both allow a moment to be dazzled. It is deep into the night past the windows, but here in this modern Versailles recreation hall, it's a day in the park. The golden coverlet of the spacious bed makes a likely sandbox. I sit and pull off my heels, curling my toes and then settling onto the mattress. I pull my legs in under my thighs and motion to my sweet scholar.



I really thought this was quite good.

~~~~


Well I read every word three times. At first the ending was a tad unclear but I think that was me.


I think is this sexy and so smart. Best of all it has that wonderful use of language that transcends short stories into literature.

I will give this a 4.5

Really close to a 5.

Alice
791
791
Review of Dearly Beloved  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
This is the Going Pro Showcase for r/r/r.


I really liked the title.

The format looks great.


~~~~~

"Dang kids!" he muttered, slowly rising from his chair.


Why do you think he is passing out candy on Halloween if dislikes the kids?



~~~~


I love that you have interspersed the poem in the story.


~~~



"Trick or treat!" chanted a miniature Batman, Spiderman, is that a purple dinosaur? and hobo.

I think it should be 'and a hobo'.

~~~~


and disappeared into the night.


This not a big thing but when its that time of year around here they do not disappear into the night, they go next door.


~~~



Closing the door, he sat the dish on the table and shuffled back to his comfortable old chair where his open book awaited him.

Good line!


~~~~


This time, he was visited by two little witches, a ghost and a princess.


Consider,


This time, two little witches, a ghost and a princess visited him.

~~~


When she passed away two years back, he had been devastated.


Ed had been devastated when she passed away two years back.


~~~~


Ahh you did tell me why he passed out the candy.



~~~~


The comfortable old chair wrapped around him like a warm hug.


Nice line!

~~~

She had kept up her end of the conversation and hadn't played those silly games the girls ususally played.

spelling ~~ usually

~~~



He thoughts kept drifting back to his beloved.



I think it should be.

His thoughts kept drifting back to his beloved.

~~~`


Okay it wasn't until a moment ago that I recalled what the poem was really about. I man haunted be his lose of the women he loved.

I wonder what came first, the idea of working a story around this poem or a man's dead wife coming back for a visit?

Halloween is course a perfect choice the dead are said to walk the Earth on that night.

~~~

The doctor couldn't find a suitable diagnoses for her condition.


Consider


The doctor couldn't find a suitable diagnosis for her condition.


~~~~



He tugged at the afghan, seeking comfort in the fact that Rosie had lovingly made it.

Good line

~~~~

floatig on the floor
Shall be lifted--nevermore!

You have missed the n in floating.


~~~


Hmm perhaps tells us what kind of candy he pass out might be a nice touch?



~~~

It seems to me that you have described how Poe's wife died similarly? It sounded as if they had died with TB.


I think you should place more of the poem into the story. Not as quotes but in more subtle ways.


I can see why you picked this one out. I do think it is very, very good!

Alice
792
792
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello,

Welcome to the board.

I am returning the r/r/r that you were so kind in doing for me.

I am thrilled to see we have another person who likes writing things that are rather dark

~~~~

Title ~~ clever, but you should capitalize the some of the other words.

Format ~~~ I think you space out the paragraphs more.




The young boy pulls ~~ Consider replacing this with an age. To me this is a little to vague.


Other than that the opening works well!






“She yelled at me just cause im white.” ~~~ I think you should make 'im' to I'm





Hurling his body into the air, he has no respect for consequences or his bones. ~~~ good line





He catches the lowest branch of the dogwood tree with the ease of a trapezist. spelling ~~~ trapezes




He catches the lowest branch of the dogwood tree with the ease of a .

See the a .


Also think there is a missing word here.






He pulls his BB gun out of the pillow case that he keeps hanging from the tree and pumps is a few times. ~~~


Pillowcase is one word.






Aiming very carefully he shoots the sheet of metal that hangs from string beside his best friends window. ~~ I think you should place a comma after 'carefully'.






He sprints through the living room. He gains speed and jumps into the hallway.


~~~ Consider


Sprinting through the living room, he gains speed and jumps into the hallway.






He pauses and knocks a super secrete pattern that could never be decoded: Knock, pound, knock knock pound. ~~~
I think you should place a commas 'knock, knock, pound.'




GREAT Boy stuff going on!





Enter if you dare, to the boys. Travis enters and is immersed in blue.

It took me a moment to understand ~~~Enter if you dare, to the boys. ~~I think you should rewrite it a bit.


~~~ Travis enters and is immersed in blue.

Because of use of the word 'enter' in the pervious sentence I think you should use another word.






Another blanket is tacked to the top of the door frame and gently flows at a

Doorframe is one word.






A few gut churning heaves and partial suffocation later, a huge pile of regurgitant lays next to the boys quavering face.
~~ Spelling ~~~ Regurgitate





Curiosity takes him hostage, he slowly spreads his legs. ~~ Great line!





Travis takes a moment to think about this before his face contorts into a bewildered grimace. ~~~ Great line





Travis readies himself as Ryan takes a few steps back, he holds the hockey stick like a shotgun.

Consider


Travis readies himself as Ryan takes a few steps back, holding the hockey stick like a shotgun.







Travis slams the door into the creatures side, ~~ I think it should be creature's





The size of a bobcat, it runs like a gorilla, mostly using is hind legs.


Consider

The creature was the size of a bobcat, and used the hind legs like a gorilla.






Generations of hate creep onto Ryan’s face, his eyes burn with a lust for violence, and the loss of his mother fills the part of his brain that used to house self-preservation. ~~ GREAT LINE





Reaching the last door on the right, It recognizes Ryan’s familiar scent. ~~ I do not think you should capitalize 'it'.





It immediately rears up on it’s hind legs and slams it’s body into the door.

The word its is always its.





Travis drop his ropes and steps on them.


You should add an 's' to drop.






Finally, the things head emerges form the blanket. It looks directly to Ryan and snaps its jaws, the six inch canines whipping past its lower mandible. Travis pushes the grill starter, ~~~ it should be six-inch


and the creatures head snaps toward him ~~ creatures should be creature's



You need to have the last line to 'more'. The ending is the payoff. Where I really liked the ride and I glad that the boys made it the last line is flat. AND I KNOW through just this one story YOU CAN DO BETTER than ' “It’ll be OK.”



Great action!

Great fun!


If you give it another ending I'll up my rating.

Alice
793
793
Review of Queen of Cherries  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

This was up for R@R on the Going Pro Showcase list.


I love the title.

This was my favorite line. ' into dark chocolate childhood.'

Congratulation on having this poem published. I can see why it was expected.

Alice
794
794
Review of Stomach Ache  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
You posted this on the form to be read.



'6:15a.m. Bruce’s eyes flicked open, focused.' ~~

Please consider placing 'At' at the begining of this sentence.



His guts didn’t feel right. Groaning like an old door he attempted to sit upright, but the protests of his stomach forced him down again.

I think you should reverse the oder of these two sentences.





'but somehow more solid'

Consider removing 'somehow'.




You should introduce is name earler.




Other than that it rocked!


Alice
795
795
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
You may be able to infer by my name, that I am a fan of this classic book.

I found this to be well written and there where no correction for me to note.

I like the idea of Alice visiting the White Rabbit for tea. It is a little sad that the person reading the story has out grown it and said good-bye to Wonderland. I found the imagery of her calling on him, to be charming and a tad melancholy. I sure this was your intent and you did this well.

I did also like that you implied that the White Rabbit becomes regenerated because someone new is discovering the book.

I do not feel that she was a friend with the White Rabbit. When she does arrive at his house he mistakes her for Mary Anne. I also think it is the author’s way of saying that all none rabbits look alike just as most rabbits look alike to us.

I do not agree that those that were fans of the book could every out grow it. I feel that the reason it is a classic is that as one grows and revisits Alice that find new meaning among the words. This to me is why it is a classic.


Alice ~~ Who drinks tea with her White Rabbit often.
796
796
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
The last two lines are pretty good.

Again there is not any use of capital letters.





'i've known you since childhood'

Consider ~

'Since childhood I've know you'




'we grew up in the same neighborhood'

Consider ~

'The same neighborhood we grew up'



'so i know that it was my eyes that filled you with delight'

Consider ~

'It was my eyes that filled yours with delight'


Good writing to you.
797
797
Review of missing you  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
all my books say how much i love you.

'i go to work because all i can remember is how you used to come in and tease me.'

I like these two bits the best because they demistraight how we love when we are teenagers.


~~~~~


I hope you go in and place the 'I' where they belong.



This is the best one yet!
798
798
Review of my way  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)




I would venture that this is one that you have written much more recently then the other two poems I wrote. Right from the beginning it was sophisticated.


Perhaps the other two were there out sentimentality and affection than anything else.





'you layed me back on the soft dirt'

I think you should spell the word 'layed' as laid.






and then you unbottoned my shirt

I think you should spell 'unbottoned' as 'unbuttoned'.




you told me me that you wanted me badly

I feel you should take out two of the three 'me'.

Perhaps replace one with





'i guess i wasnt' thinking about the price'

Please replace 'i' with 'I'

I think you should change wasnt' with wasn't.



we layed still til the rising of the sun

layed and til

laid and till





it took 3 months for you to come back my way


I feel you should replace 3 with 'three'.





'i said the only thingi could think of to say'

I am sure thingi is a typo.




I felt the is sexy and not in a cheap sort of way.


The ending of the poem came as a bit of shock. For me it took something away from it but I do not think you should remove it.
799
799
Review of my new love  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)

' I fell from that love and swore never to fall again.'

I thought this was nice line.

I know that this was written when you were still a teenager perhaps that is why its a little redundant.

I think you should with play the construction of this more and look for new ways to express the feelings this is trying to convey. Take it apart, see if you find something new to offer.

Alice
800
800
Review of October's Lie  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)

Hello,

This was listed in the Going Pro Showcase.

I love the title!

The set up nicely done.


~~~

Her son’s voice reached her before his three-year-old body barreled around the corner of the house. ~~~ I thought this was very good.

“Mike, it’s all right. Dina was a very sick baby. Going to the doctor didn’t cause . . .” With all her strength, Amy struggled to control her own fear and grief. ~~~ What I liked about this is that you didn't have her finish the sentence. Instead she started another.


She knew the safety of his love as she nestled against him and let sobs rack her body. ~~~ Beautifully written.


Another October lie. She raised her hand to press fingers against trembling lips. Nothing but death and hopelessness in October.
~~~ poetry

~~~~~

“Thanks, Mom.” Amy gave a wan smile before pivoting back to the gate. ~~~ I found a typo 'wan' it should be 'warm'.

~~~~

Later that night, Mike snuggled in his bed dreaming of whatever little boys dream. Marta read in her room at the back of the house. Ross reclined in front of the television watching football. Amy bent over to kiss the top of his head on her way to the office across the hall from the living room. Sitting in front of the computer, she opened up the site for writers she had found a few minutes earlier. With a smile she filled in the last bit of information asked, “What user name do you want to use?” Her smile grew as she thought of the perfect name to use. “Octobers Lie” she typed in the blank.

Yes, perfect. October’s final lie is that it isn’t death, but just a sleep that ends in new life.

This ending is wonderful!!!


I can see why you think this is your best.

Gosh I only found one typo. Other than that I wouldn't change anything!


Alice
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