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601
601
Review of A Bright Future  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
Okay I am assuming that this has some room to grow. If here is an idea.


Consider,

The electronic door opened with a swoosh and Mr. and Mrs. Rigby stepped into The Family Planning Centre.

Adding an action to the door: quickly, slowly, ect..

I would give the door a personality.





An assistant wearing a pale blue uniform of a knee length skirt, white shirt and pale blue blazer met them instantly and ushered them over to a row of cheap plastic chairs.

Better . . .

Now this may be my own taste but here you go, I would not literally say what the uniform looked like. I would conpare it to something. -- A pale blue uniform that resemblald -- looked like it came out of -- was designed by a ?


If you were to do either or both of the these things, I feel would give the story more personally and help to establish the tone of your tale much quicker. IMHO that is.



The kind of voice that would eat through your mind if you had to put up with it for too long.

Think about,

She spoke in a high-pitched voice that would worm its way through you brain if it went on for too long. Well you get the idea.




“Someone will come fetch you when there is a computer free, OK?”

I would not use the word, "computer". This is Sci-Fi, make up something.





Mr. Rigby wasn’t bothered as long as she didn’t talk to them again.

I would change the word, "bothered".

Perhaps italaze the word, "she" to express emphazise it.






After thirteen years of marriage though, he’d lost the motivation to disagree with his wife.

I would remove the word, "though".






A bald headed man in a white suit was walking purposefully towards them, a fake smile plastered across his somewhat podgy face.

I think this would more descptive is you were to remove the word, "man".

Think about . . .

A bald headed with a fake smile plastered across his somewhat podgy face walked purposefully towards them.




His cheeks lit up to a bright red and he offered his hand to Sean.

The arifical smile became lit with red as he offered his hand to Sean.





“
Wow!

This should be . . . "Wow!




This is better. And I am sure if you make any other changes it will grow to becoming a great read.



This is still a 4 but it is heading towards a 4.5.


Okay if you tweak it again, let me know.



Alice
602
602
Review of Remembrance  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.5)
One more for today . . .



Throbbing heart turned vodoo drum,

voodoo





Beware! illusions unreal stream,

Illusions




Yet... still beyond compare thou seems.

Yet . . .

seem






Lust undaunted virtue's undermine,

undermined




lips crush relentless too sublime,

Lips



Small notes. But lovely, lovely to rea.


Alice
603
603
Review of Clock-Work Life  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (3.0)
There is still clamor amidst the silence,

Hmmm? I am not sure if you can have clamor amidst silence.



Sacrificed individuals set to toil as mere mechanisms,

individuals'




Some distant fantasy of Eden obscured by clouds,

Good line.



You say, "Sad these tiny tin men," and then you say, "How content they seem,” it seems to contradict itself.


Alice
604
604
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (3.0)
One more for the road.

I hope in your next review, that you will try and show the arthor, what you mean when do and do not care for something.


What came before this line -- "Your eyes echo blue vaults of heaven, "
was okay. But that line is great.


The last line was nice too.


This one did not shine for me.



As always,

Alice
605
605
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thanks for the read.


Sunday came in peacefully; as it so often does,

According Word 2004 USA it should be . . .

peacefully,

Howevr I feel it would sound better if it were,

peaceful,




Its skies still golden from dawn when we woke,

I am often up at dawn. My dawn's are not golden. They are: pinks, blues, greys, and oragnes.




Staring into each others eyes.

other's




Hiding in the white linen of morning fog,

Good line!




Those first flowers of spring dance gently.

Please consider,

First flowers of spring dance gently.




The Sun rises lazily into the sky, casting light about you like a halo,

sun




Your hair burning that fiery red of sun set,

sunset

Also, please consider . . .

Hair the riery red of sunset,




All the while gentle light plays about your ivory skin.

Consider replacing a word you have already used -- "gentle" with "tender".





I think this is a free form poem?


Over all I say you paint a nice picture with your words.

A
606
606
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Great title.

Tags okay.


I would center the title on the page.





My spine tingled for a count of five, then silence followed for the same.



Note a bad opening line. But how it relates to the next ... ?

I have never had any real since of time in dream.






"Vuuhhmmmmm.." It was him.


These are either poor ellipsis marks or too many periods.


The beach....

Again ellipsis are incorrect. Please see . . .

http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/ellipse.asp...




All hope lost, he was coming into view.


You may wish to show that, "he" is a special by using italics. Such as, he.





All hope lost, he was coming into view.


Interesting line.

Although I am a bit lost as to its meaning.



Your description is fine. However it lacks that something separates it from 10,000 of other stories. Try to find new ways to describe the same old thing.





"......Good morning Jerry, how's the grand ol' windy city?,"

I do not think you need both a question mark and a comma.




"Caboose?! HA!!

I dare you to go to the library and find a book with !! in it.




You're an anteater now ,

Too much space.




Couldn't even find one to suck it's soul."

its


http://www.fred.net/kathy/its.html





To Jerry, who views it all through the scope of economy, its a trip to the gallows for his "supply" side.


it's



They wait, thirty million or so of them, for the hours to pass like suns, the days like seasons until finally it comes.

I liked this line very much.




Interesting idea and told pretty well also.



Thirty years ago the last ship went up, carrying the the unproven history of man and the global fiction library.

See the double, "the the" ?




the symptoms were pale skin, blurry vision, and a general lack of concern for the New Plan.

Lacks a capital.





They gathered the works of Edgar Allen Poe, Edgar Rice Burroughs, Shakespeare and Isaac Asimov and scattered them in the pit. Once ignited, they torched Tolstoy and barbequed Ian Fleming. Jules Vern and Charles Dickens huddled in the flames. Stephen King, John Updike and Margaret Mitchell stacked themselves to protect tender skins. John Steinbeck vaulted to the top of the heap and exploded!

I liked this passage very much.




Fiction took on a vagueness in the bloodied water.In the frenzy they separated fact from fiction, truth from lie.

You need a space between sentences.




YOU SHOULD HAVE INCULED IN RAY BRADBURY. After all, this has similarities too Fahrenheit 451.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fahrenheit_451



Some were killed by the police, others by the protestors.

The time before you had the word, "police" capitalized.





As they cleared the low protective fence, fans rose their hands as though signalling a score in a bizarre football game.

Wrong tense.

raised



Art followed, of course and sculpture.

I thought sculpture was art.




Anything abstract or unexplained pried from the earth and disposed of, including the originators, the Artists.


Earth

http://dictionary.reference.com/help/faq/language/...



Why was Lance kept and the others done away with? What made his work different from all of the others?
607
607
Review of Father to Son  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
{c;blue}Dearest Stephen,

Look what I found when I woke this morning! Talk about just under the wire.

First line is great. Not only becuase it works well, but because well this story just came under the wire.




It was not really his fault though; his muse had left him high and dry. Devoid of ideas for the contest, he resorted fretting, scrunching his hands tight around his dry lanky hair, shaking his head and muttering, “No, no, no,” under his breath.

This made me laugh.



On one of his forays in search of caffeine release,

I think...

of a caffeine





he wondered past the living room door and heard the low tones of a priest reciting the wedding vows.

I do not think you need the, "the".

reciting wedding vows.






As he tried to dose off to sleep that evening, his subconscious rocketed him back into alert wakefulness. The prompt for the contest was to write a story that included an ink pen. A bloody ink pen for God-sakes. How outrageous could he get with that? He’d toyed about with the idea of quills, and words written in blood; the usual stuff and nonsense spouted by horror writers like himself.

Funny. I think I read the one about the quill in blood. I am glad I tossed that one away.





He leapt from his bed and rushed into his study. It was actually the box room, but they did not have any children so he decided to put it to better use.

No note for change, but what is a box room. Does it have to do with Box Day?



Alice, his last sitter had brought over a couple of A4 notepads and pencils so he could write down his tales.

Alice... What a nice name.




Then work had cut into his free time and keyboard thumping took a dive. It was not until he Rachael,

Okay, I am a little confused. No coffee yet so maybe it's me. But --- "he Rachael," ?




He upgraded from the word processor to a full computer with broadband internet access.
Internet is capitalized. At least according to Word 2004.




Okay, he thought, so it’s the wedding day of Mr David Wright and Miss Anita Stone.

Mr.





On the screen, his fingers weaved the tapestry of their fictional lives.

Great line!





Breaking off and double clicking on the Firefox icon, he went online to research the Catholic ceremony. That was one of the good things with the internet;

Internet




Well, he thought, that answers my question.

No comma before the word, "that".





Bypassing the proffered mug, David made it to the sink just in time to vomit in the sink.

Consider replacing one of the sinks with the word-- basin.




David retched down the sink hole once more

sinkhole





Bazza, threw David’s bow tie in the bin, saying they were created by daemons from the darkest depths of hell, then whipped out a ready made bow that fastened at the rear with Velcro.

Good line.




As David fought with his top coat, Baz grabbed the Top Hats and eased him towards the front door and his Audi TT.

topcoat




With a smirk, he looked at Baz and said “Wedding Crashes” tipping him a wink, and muffling a slight laugh.

said,



Lowering his hands he placed them on the backs of the now Mr and Mrs Wright and urged them to a door at the right of the church.

Mr. Mrs.



They obliged, what else can you do in Gods house.

Wrong tense-- could.{/c]




“Stop the blow job bitch and bend over that desk, oh and drop your knickers first, please.

,please."



The time when He will call God out of hiding.

I think this needs-- hiding."




He pushed the limp organ back into his underwear and zipped up his flies.

fly-- I do not think he has more than one.



“Mrs Wright please pull up your knickers and sit down. Mr Wight please come and join your wife on the seat next to her.”

Mrs. Mr.





Was there a red balloon floating in the distance?

Do I detected a Pennywise referance?




Bad luck for you though, no Davina to chat too, just me or Peter

Pete.



John was playing his sick and tortuous games

This was the only I could not place. Which John? Maybe the guy from Saw?




his Fathers son.

I think.. Father's



GREAT READ!
608
608
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
I thought I read everything in this contest. Guess not.


Wow this has gotten great reviews.

I cound have sworn I read this a gave you notes.They were minor anyway. Maybe I just read it?

I recalled the story from the first line.


Well should find out in a couple of weeks how this story does in the contest.

Good writing and reading to you.


A
609
609
Review of A Bright Future  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)

I hope you will find these notes to be clear and helpful.


The electronic door opened with a swoosh and Mr and Mrs Rigby stepped into The Family Planning Centre.

Mr.

Mrs.







A uniformed assistant met them instantly and ushered them over to a row of chairs.


This should be more detailed so that the reader can see it.

What kind of uniform?

What kind of chairs?





“You can wait here,” she said in a high-pitched voice, the kind that would eat through your mind if you had to put up with it for too long.


I think this would read more smoothly if it were like this...

“You can wait here,” she said in a high-pitched voice that ate through your mind if you had to put up with it for too long.




“Someone will come fetch you when there is a computer free, ok?”

OK or okay or O.K.

http://grammar.about.com/





There is some formatting issues running the story.





“Ok folks every thing is touch based so just touch the option you want and the program will explain the rest,”

OK

everything





finished Brian and he slipped out of the room leaving the Rigbys alone.

Rigbys'




“ “‘Create from scratch’ or ‘generate a random child’,”

A few too many quotation marks at the beinging.





The Rigbys began with the face.

Rigbys'






“You sure, Tanya? I mean do we really want our little girl looking like her?” inquired Sean not sold on the idea.

I think this would read better as...

“You sure, Tanya? I mean do we really want our little girl looking like her?” Sean was not sold on the idea.




The Rigbys finished choosing the appearance of their new child and selected its personality.

Rigbys'




Sean sighed miserably as Brian set everything up again. “To make up for that difficulty we’ll throw in a free delivery, ok, folks?”

OK




The characters worked fine but as for what anything really looked, felt, smelled like was never addressed. This held the story back from a vivid read.

However, the story was cut.

610
610
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Good title.

The tagline is a tad weak. Instead of "scary and true" consider,

A true ghost story.




There was a family who were the Craig family.

First line neds work.

I you should say something about the family here. Maybe...

The Craig family was

Now say how many there were or what kind of people they were ect.



They moved into a trailer in the town of Otisco after being ran out of there house do to a flood.

I think this would read better as...


After a flood destroyed their home, the Craig’s moved into a small trailer in the small town of Otisco.





The stories that were told were of disaster.

I was lost by this.

I think you should pull it out of the story.



Oh and indent the first line too. You did it to all of the others, you should included it as well.




They said that the last people to live on the property that the Craig family now owned were killed due to a fire. They also said that every family ever lived there was killed during some natural disaster or a murder.


I think it would add a great deal to the story if you showed the family hearing this. At say something more than "they".



Well, of course the family didn't believe in such things. So they went on ignoring the stories, until one night when they were all asleep.

I think this too needs to shown.



I almost feel that this should be told more as a campfire. To get an idea of what I mean please see...

http://www.boyscouttrail.com/content/story/story-9...



Nobody else live on the street except for the Craig family the few neighbors down the street.

Consider...

No-one else lived on the

Or better yet...

The Craig's shared thier street with homes that were few and well spaced out.



So the dad which his name was Frank, went out further in the front lawn and got a closer look at the horses

Consider...

Frank, who was the father of the Craig clan went out further in the front lawn and got a closer look at the horses.


The were dragging what seemed to be a chain from an ancient carriage.

They




When daylight finally crept into the darkened the battery of the flashlight went dead. He went outside and found the chain from the horses on a tree in his front yard and he still has the chain in his garage hanging by his tools. He believes in ghosts now and he always will.


This part was great.


A
611
611
Review of Basement People  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Wow 8000 words. When you tell a story you get into it. Now I will tell that it will find less readers but if you are able up the Gp's it might help. Also it might be harder to find a zine to take it. But I have NOT read it yet. It's in the telling that counts.


I am not saying to cut it down!




He tossed the football and caught it. then tucked it under his arm.

I am sure you meant a comma instead of a period.



Standing awkwardly, he took a tin of Blistex balm from his pocket and smeared some on his lips.

Where I am, Blistex only comes in tubs.




This evening, it was just he and Richie Addler, both of Hellgate High, tossing the ball into the Summer air crisped at the edges by September's end.

summer


What the heck is an Elko whore?






By mid-July, their parents allowed them out again and things were back to almost normal until the last week of August when freckle faced Phil and his hacky sack vanished.

Hacky Sack




Now, after weeks of going stir crazy at home, and begging mom, he was once again allowed to return to the park, new cellphone in his pocket.

cell phone




When is a door not a door? When it's a jar.

I am sure these are meant to express thoughts. If so, then you should either use ' or italics to help show this.




Mom, God bless her soul, promised meat loaf, iced with heaps of potatoes whipped like cream.

meatloaf




.

Sonny's eyes scanned over the man. Lumps of fat, like pillows stuffed here and there under his clothes puffed out in directions independent of his frame.

This was nice.





That, and he could never remember to plug the darn thing into the charger at night which always got mom nagging.

night, which




The rising gorge in the his throat told him to leave the smelly kitchen at once and ponder the meaning some other time.

in his throat





He didn't like the sound of his own voice, although he'd tried to keep it calm, the voice he used around frightened animals, it sounded like a little kid's, a very frightened little boy's voice.

kids





Sonny fumbled to get them on with his fingers which quivered like rattlesnake tails.

This was nice.





He notice the handcuffs had been modified.

noticed





The cuff around Sonny's bony wrist, although it seem absurdly large, was smaller than the one around Russell's enormous wrist

seemed




He nodded as if the dog were bright eyed, bushy tailed and full of the High Pro glow.

I liked this line too.





He nodded as if the dog were bright eyed, bushy tailed and full of the High Pro glow.

it's





Russell huffed. His face seemed to be made out of melting candle wax. Sweat tricked from his nose as he pulled Sonny backward through the kitchen. Russell now held the chain between the cuffs, even with all that padding it must have hurt him too. His face was so red it seemed to bleed.
Goodwriting here ^






He had to be close to having a heart attack or stroke.

a stoke.






Face, a peculiar shade of maroon, almost mahogony, Russell let go of the handcuff chain.

mahogany





You walk around with Hearshy syrup between them big fat jelly rolls don't you?"

Hershey Syrup




*When he pulled it out of the eyebolts, the metal pipe sounded like a sword being unsheathed.

See the star?





Sonny landed, pinned between Russle and the cellar wall.

Russlle

Russle lay on his back, arms and legs twitching in the air, clawing at the rafters.

Russlle





The other two were burried under mounds of impenetrable fat.

buried








Sonny stabbed again. He fell into a hypnotic rhythem like his mother's sewing machine.

rhythm








Sonny's self cowered far away in the deepest of the cellars beneath his mind among the graves for life's little horrors, the things best forgotten, safely buried lest they walk again.

Great line.




That was good, the basement people--lets get real, that's what was on the steps afterall, he thought--couldn't get to the door without steps.

after all






His legs moved doubletime, past the mess of the dog on the floor, and Elmo who, batteries going dead, giggled but didn't wallow in the dog slush, and around the couch.

double time




Good action, Russlle was vivid, good ending too.




Alice
612
612
Review of Sorrow  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A surfeit of Sorrow claws at my door,
Peeling away Life's serene illusions -
It surveys my Heart's threadbare core,
And stabs at my Soul's countless contusions -


I do not feel that claws peel. I would replace it with ripping or stripping.




I ride upon Life's sadistic ferry,
Sequestered sailing the sea of Sorrow,
With painful ailing and fears I can't bury,
Shifting the sands of a turbid Tomorrow -

Earlier you have Sorrow almost as a charactor and now its a sea. I would call the sea something else. Maybe one of these?

affliction, agony, anguish, bad news*, big trouble*, blow, blues*, care, catastrophe, dejection, depression, distress, dolor, grieving, hardship, heartache, heartbreak, lamenting, melancholy, misery, misfortune, mourning, pain, rain*, regret, remorse, repentance, rue, sadness, suffering, trial, tribulation, trouble, unhappiness, upset, weeping, woe, worry, wretchedness, bemoan, bewail, carry on, deplore, grieve, groan, hang crepe*, lament, moan, mourn, regret, sob, weep


Hmm that might put the whole thing off?

Well it's a thought.


Good job. Poems are much harder than people think.
613
613
Review of Whisper Island  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)



I like the title.


Rebbecca ran fast,
Rebecca


I think this might read better as...

It was rotten, infiltrating smell. It wrapped the island in a film of putrid stench. It locked on to the ground and air; it would not let go. It was everywhere. It was the smell of something worse then death. Rebecca ran fast, trying to get away from the smell that would not go away.


She dashed from rock to rock, following the ocean that splashed at her feet.

I think this might have more punch...

From rock to jagged rock, she leaped as the cold blu ocean sparyed at feet.




To her right was a dense forest-- its tangles were impossible to pass.

Consider,

A tangle of dense green, green forest that was impossible to pass skirted the pebbled beach.



Rebbecca was on an island with an size unknown.

a size




She had memories, but they felt foreign in her mind, as though they were some one else's.

Consider,

Foreign memories rushed through mind as if she were watching someone else.



She felt violated. She was hopeless, confused and exhausted.

What about,

Violated, hopeless, confusion and exhausted filled every bit of her.




So she let sleep envelope her into its hungering embrace.

Maybe,

Sleep enveloped her into its hungering embrace.

Either way it’s a good line.




As the sun slipped below the horizon, Rebbecca slept on the sand, the water lapping at her feet, her arms twitching with the nightmares that bit and tore.

She dreamed of fire and dancing embers.


Rebbecca woke up with words dancing on the tip of her tongue.



Now we are getting into some nice writing.





"Am I remembering memories that are not mine; or is this just a dream?

I think this might read better as,

"Am I recalling memories that are not mine; or is this just a dream?




I slept in water and now I am chilled, she realized with a pang of regret..

regret.




Okay, maybe I am silly but that is not the ending right. Because it did not feel it had a convulsion.


Do not let anyone tell you cannot write. You can.


Alice
614
614
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)



Hey look what I found!


Popping it open, it revealed the twelve cling mines resting inside, each a small ovid that could fit in the palm of your hand.

I not sure but I think there might be a typo here, "ovid".



All communications were being monitored by the station.

Consider...

The station was monitoring all communications.




Amidst an array of crab-like maintenance drones, he maneuvered down a long tunnel which terminated at a coded security door.

tunnel, which



He punched in the seven-digit override, glancing up at a scanning device which hung suspended from the ceiling.

that hung




There was a discernible click as the door irised opened and he quickly stepped through into a nightmare.

I think that "irised" should be, "iris".


Very well constructed; dark and a wonderful accent of humor to it.
615
615
Review of The Bus Passed Me  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.5)

I like the title.

This poem IMHO is not about rhythm or lovely imagery. This poem is not an epic of albatrosses or war. This poem is of an event that many can relate to. If not as a hole from their own personal experiences than in snap shots.

I connect with it on every stanza, both emotional and visually.

The second the last stanza made literally chuckle.

The poem is nicely constructed and tells a snippet of life. Surely this is a fine thing for a poem to do.


Alice
616
616
Review of SoVein  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Hello,

Here are some notes that hope to improve you tale in some small way.



Perhaps it was the shiver down my spine, whos only equal could be achieved by the shrill ringing of cicadas in the evening blaze, that counseled me to stay.

who’s




“And you’re not really there..You’re just in the mirror. My name is Sovein.”

See the double period?





I laid in bed and stared up at the swirled, textured ceiling, day-dreaming about the strange things that had happend and about the new things I was capable of.

I lay in bed and stared up at the swirled, textured ceiling, day-dreaming about the strange things that had happened and about the new things I was capable of.


Good ending.
617
617
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
What a wonderful opening.

He wiped his pen on his jeans, opened his parka, and replaced it inside his shirt pocket, making sure it was fastened securely by the clip.

Consider,

He wiped his pen on his jeans, opened his parka, and replaced it inside his shirt pocket, making sure the clip fastened it securely.



Great use of the prompt. It is not uncommon for those who enter this contest to have the object a minor part of the story. Not yours.


This is visceral without being gory. Told in a matter fact style but not without elegance.

To dream, perchance to write.

Alice{/c]
618
618
Review of Sonora Sunset  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (3.5)
I am many will find this appealing.

I would break this up a bit.


I quilt and the use of the word to conjure imagery but to ear it rings false.

You may also wish to consider reformatting this so that is a piece of poetry. I think this would be better suited that way.


Alice
619
619
Review of The Oubliette  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I feel this would be perfect for this contest.

 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1186039 by Not Available.


I would center the poem and the title. To do so place the word center before the title. Place { in front of the word. Place a } at the end.

To end the centering place a / after the { and before the word center.


If you would care for me go over this more notes I will. Shoot me a note.

I am going to try and spin more words of my own.



To dream prechance to write.

Alice
620
620
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Professor Amsted

Amsted,





As I was leisurely searching through it's familiar historical section.

its



His words fell like kisses upon my wet cheek.

GREAT LINE.




I love gothic tales. You might to better if you replaced the last listing with this.



As always,

Alice
621
621
Review of The Broken Cup  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)

Hello,

I think I can help this a little. I love ghost stories!



Crash! Millie Johnson was jerked out of her daydream by the sound of breaking glass.

Consider...

Crash! The sound of breaking glass jerked Millie Johnson of her daydream.





After she realized she was not dead, she opened her eyes and discovered the source of the noise.


She opened her cobalt eyes. 'I must not be dead,' she thought. The source of the noise was


Over all it's a good idea. I would lace more details of how the place looked.

Maybe adding a hint as why he is a ghost and why he plays jokes would add something to the tale.


As always,

Alice
622
622
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Greeat!

If this doesn't get a ribbon let me know. I will be more than happy to bestow on uppon it.

I hope you are working on a story for the current round in the Ordinary Horror contest. This round's prompt is a pen.


As always,

Alice
623
623
Review of The Demons for Me  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Unratable.)
Hello!

And welcome to WDC! I am thrilled to see you write something for the Ordinary Horror Contest. I hope you are working on a story for coming round. The prompt is a pen.




On to this story.



dark prison cell in Phoenix, AZ.

I would spell out Arizona.






John was a skinny man, but, very cut.

I do not think you need the comma after the word but.








Standing at 6 foot, he never really had a lot of trouble with people.


I would spell out six.




Untill about 4 years ago when he raped a woman in the outskirts of Phoenix.

Until

four







"Lights out" A voice screamed from the bottom of the tier, all the cell doors clinch and latch themselves to the bind between incarceration and freedom.


out!"





"How can I sleep when I know I'm getting out tomorrow."

tomorrow?"






None the less, He pulled his wool blanket over his warn body and head, took a few deep breaths and fell asleep.

less, he





This thought made him more content, he took a deep breath, held it for a moment, "Very soon" he thought.

breathe

soon,"





He beared down slowly, as to not creek the wooden floor of his mother old run down home.

bared





As her shadow faded into one of the rooms, John then again asked "Who are you? Why are you here?...Answer me now."


She walked away. As her shadow faded into one of the rooms, John then again asked, "Who are you? Why are you here...Answer me now."






"Ok baby, I'll be here when you get back." He replied.


OK or okay




And..."Wait its been a while" he thinks.

I do not feel this And.. serves any real purpose.

a while,"





John, who's nervous now, bursted up to have a peek around.


John, who's nervous, now, busted up to have a peek around.




"Fast, very fast'"he thought.

You need a space before the word he.

'Fast, very fast,' he thought.




John grabed her arm and gave the man a glance.

grabbed







The man in return thanked Johns' girldfriend and gave John a big condescending smile.


girlfriend





He held the mans head for a moment, marveling in his conquest, and let it go.

man's




Great idea and a wonderful ending. Although I feel that you need to work on showing more than telling. I know that some of it because you did not wish to write something that was graphic. That is fine but you need work this a little more.

As always,

Alice
624
624
Review of Vampyre Games  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I have really disliked all of the other stories that were done on this theme for this contest.




Inside and out it was dank, dusty, and graffiti covered the filthy walls; the rancid stench of stale urine and rotting faeces hung lightly in the air.
This may be fine but look at the spelling of faces.


Hey do I spy two Buffy The Vamp homages? Conner and Spike. Man I miss that show.



Did I tell you that I now must wear glasses to read now. I feel the cold clammy fingers of middle age.



Well there is no mistaking it now, defently BVS- Drusilla and the Master, and Doyle.


I almost think it is a little too heavy on the pulling the names of this one story from the world of Buffy. But this may just be me.



Great action. Logical without holes in the plot that I could see.



I bet this places.


Alice
625
625
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (5.0)
I stopped by because I am desperate for some help. I was so flattered to see that you placed a story of mine on your form.

I would be lost without reviews like yours. Thank you so much for help me and others touch out dreams.

Good review to you!


As always Alice
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