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576
576
Review of Pollen Count  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Gee Wiz that is quick. I saw this last night but I did not have the time to read it.

You may wish to also list this a Sci-fi.

The first couple of lines remind of when we were up in Washington State, and Mt. St. Helen blew. It rained ashes for weeks and even though we were hundred miles away we could go out to our cars and scrap ash off like snow.




Pollen. It’s what makes plants reproduce. It’s plant semen.
It is a nasty yellow dust that covers everything in yellow haze and gets into your sinuses and makes you sneeze and miserable, and bees eat it.

Consider,

Pollen-- It's what makes plants reproduce, plant semen. A nasty dust that covers everything in yellow haze and gets into your sinuses and makes you sneeze and miserable, and bees eat it.





Sometimes I feel like I am on deathwatch. I worry so each time they get in the car a drive to work. 'Will there be a horrible car crash?' I wish I did not worry but I do.

Although this is kind of out there, you made me feel really connected to the story. You balanced the far-out factor with the everyday. You hit that chord right on.


alice
577
577
Review of Bone Spider  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
COOL TITLE!

You capitalize both words in it.


Then one night corpse dug itself out of the grave and walked in my room, almost tore my throat.

I think you skipped some words and a comma.

Then one night, his corpse dug itself out of the grave and walked into my room, almost tore my throat.


Great idea.


Okay here is what I think would really make shine.

Drop this

It is getting closer…

Twenty years ago I murdered my uncle. Nothing personal, I was his heir and I needed funds.


Show the fight more.



Tell if you make the changes.


Thanks for taking part in this round of a 120! I hope to see more flashes from you.


Alice
578
578
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I really like the title.

I wonder if you get one in or not. Boy, you really are cutting it close to the cut-off.


The spinsters thought it a wonderful day to end a Sunday evening, getting ready for the week ahead and the surprises that it might hold.


I am sure you mean "way" instead of "day".






The calls stopped only after they moved house.

I think . . . you may have skipped a word here.



“Sorry Bec, I don’t”

I think you forgot your period.



I am sure this one will place too.


I really liked when the creatures came out.

Bed bugs. Ha!


Great closing. I hate you.



Good story.

579
579
Review of JENNY Chapter One  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I really wish you would please seperate the paragraphs. It would make this easier to read and save me a great deal of time.

Great opening, very rich.




"Your parents are away, So they will not know, will they, unless you tell them of course."

so




The silence was disturbed by the sudden roar of bikes.

The sudden roar of bikes disturbed the silence.




"I think, we just might stay here, it seem's to have improved."

seems




She hurried to the garden, tears filled her eyes, she had become the subject of Carolines jokes again.

Caroline's





"You didn't answer my question, Why do you listen to Caroline?" She shrugged.

question.

or

question, why






"I don't think, she is your friend, but its none of my business." She sat thinking about when they were younger.

it's






"Jenny, I am not really interested, So you don't sleep around, could she say that?" She looked at him shocked, he pulled her towards him gently, kissing her making her tremble.

interesed.




They hurried to the bike, he paused holding her gently noticing how frightened she looked.

bike;




"Jenny, get on, and hold me, its that easy, nothing to worry about."

it's




He held her close, kissing her,
"You can do anything, If you try."

if






She returned his kiss, holding him nervously, he teased her gently making love to her.

nervously;



"Listen to me, your very different.

you're




"Why can't we just stay here, It's so quiet.?"

, it's

quiet."





"I have to get the others, So will you come back with me?"

, so




She nodded silently, they walked back to the bike.

silently;




"you might have him now, but when he has a few drinks inside him, I will get him.

"You





She always's get's what she wants."

always gets



"About two years, If you really want to know, She is my ex, It just didn't work out." He held her again.

years, if

know, shes

ex.






"Caroline has calmed down, So I don't think you have anything to worry about."

down, so





"No, we are just really good friends, We have shared a lot of things, but Cassie and me,"

friends.




"It just relaxes you, and I only smoke it on Friday's, It help's me unwind after a hectic week, at work."He hugged her gently.

Seperate these sentances.





"I'll tell you in a few weeks, It's nothing bad."

weeks.





They were awoken by shouting and screaming.

Shouting and screaming awaked them.





Two of members dragged Cassandra to the alter, holding her tight, has she struggled to free herself.

alter;




The crowd began to chant Sirrius has he approached Cassandra, glancing at her.

Sirius




"I'm not an unreasonable person, and it would help your soul, If you give yourself willingly, I can take the pain away, just say the word."

soul.




Sirius raised his hand, He crouched beside her again.

hand as he



"Our lord Satan doesn't want your body, He want's your soul."

body, he

wants




"I'll be ok, I do not need to go to hospital, I can't stand them."

Ok or okay

hospital.




"You could stay with me tonight, If you want."

tonight, if




She sat on the leather suite, amazed how tidy the flat looked,

looked.



Caroline laughed to herself. "Jenny, he is too nice for you, and if you decided to...., "

to . . ."




"I suppose you think he loves you, your parent's will be home tomorrow, They will be so disappointed, When they find out about Pete."

tomorrow.

disappointed when




She sighed, carrying the coffee mug's into the lounge.

mugs




Pete could see she was troubled, he sat on the arm of the chair.

troubled;





"I think, we need to talk, So if you wouldn't mind."

talk . . . so




"You don't understand, If I do not obey their rules they will tell me to leave."

understand, if




"Does it really matter, If they tell you to leave, I can bring you back here."

matter.




"Do I have to go back?" Her voice filled with fear because of her fathers rules.

father's




"I've told you, I will be with you, So stop worrying."

you.





She picked at her food worried about going home, they walked to the bike, She paused before getting on.

food, as she worried

home.

They

and she paused.





The look of disappointment clearly on his face.

This is a fragment. You should cobime it with the sentance before it.





He whispered, her father blocked the entrance with his hand.,

hand.





"Caroline has phoned your mother this morning, What she was told, was hard to believe. But!,

morning, what

But!






"I'll talk to you and mum about this, but Pete comes too, It concerns him."

too, it




"Did you get drunk last night, So drunk, that you let..."

night?

let . . ."



Pete, imagine you had a daughter, you would naturally want the best for her, wouldn't you?, you would not want her dating someone that could only offer her a giro once a week"

daughter.

You would

you? You would not

week."


I have a full time job, in fact I start work at two in the morning, I am normally finished at lunch time, but in my profession, It could be a lot later, you should listen to her, She know's what she want's, I can only assure you, I will look after her, and I would never hurt her."

job. In fact,

morning.

profession, it

later. You

her, she

knows

wants. I






I honestly do not know what to do Jennifer, If I do nothing and you get hurt.

Jennifer. If




I would never forgive myself, If I forbid you to see him again.

myself if




She hugged her father, then kissed Pete crying, He dried her tears.

father and then

crying.





"Pete would you like to stay for dinner, It would be a pleasure, for you to join us."

dinner.

pleasure for




"What does he do for living, It must be something interesting, if he starts at 2am?"

living?

interesting if

2 AM?"



They finished the meal, he held her hand gently walking to the bike, She hugged him. "I'm really going to miss you, I wanted you to know, you made my birthday great."

As they

meal he

bike.

you.




"I'll phone you tomorrow after work, We can decide what to do this weekend.

work.




He rode into the distance, She began to help her mother tidy away the dinner plates.

distance.




"He seem's to be a very nice young man, not exactly what your father and I, had planned, but!"

seems


That should get you fairly far.


A
580
580
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Hello dark writer,

Welcome to WDC! I hope you get out of as much I do.


Cold relentless hate builds within
Torn between the fires that burn


I like the balance of these opposites.

Yet what was then and what is now
I shall search from then until now


I do not like the repeat of these two last words.

A
581
581
Review of Life Flows On  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello {c:January Williams,

Welcome to WDC.

Good use of color, bold and formatting.

I feel you are going to use punctuation on some of the lines; you should use it on all.




rolling, barreling straight foward... such an adrenaline rush


forward...





Because I am just flowing with life.

I would cut the word "just". I think it would have great impact on it and as a last line it should be very strong.


Nicely done.

A
582
582
Review of Writing horror  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I do fairly well at writing horror.

There are many places that one can get ideas for a horror story, but the best place is the writers own subconscious.

Certainly, the subconscious is a place we hope to tap into when writing a dark tale, perhaps even more so than other genre’s, but how on earth can anyone first travel to it? Is not the subconscious something that is unseen? I am at loss as how to travel first into my subconscious for ideas.


I feel that first comes the idea, or at least a fragment of one. Then one must look at the idea as see what it is about that idea that scars them. To me this is the only way into the soul of horror.

Unlike other genre’s, horror is an emotion and as such, it must in some way touch upon the psyche.

I personally feel that most good writers do this. However, I do think many of them make a conscious effort to do so. At least not when they begin to write. I feel strongly that this in fact would get in the way of storytelling and hamper any real ability to tap into the subconscious.

I feel that when speaking of the subconscious and horror that symbolism is an important factor and one you did not touch upon.




Its the use of phrases like “sweat running down her spine” or “biting her nails in nervousness”.

It's

http://www.fred.net/kathy/its.html



While the presence of such a monster in our everyday lives is a horrifying thought, what is more terrorizing is the thought of someone or something that looks just as normal as everything else that is not really so.For e.g. what if your pet cat decided to hunt you or what if your babysitter actually is a serial killer and your child is the next victim.


You should place a space between these two statements.


I love to discuss how we write, what we write. It is a subject I feel is worth looking into. I hope at some point that also explore the side of horror, that of the supernatural.
583
583
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

I think you should break this up into different stanzas.



Her once fragile body

Is her body no fragile?



addourned with brain matter bits

This note may not apply if you are not in the USA.

adorned



Although I think the grace of cadence is not really there, this is still a effective poem.

A
584
584
Review of High Stakes  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I hope you are going to enter this into this contest. I would fit perfectly.

 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#617470 by Not Available.


I liked the dark humor of the story and thought that this was well told.

I thought the spelling and grammar were fine.


I think this is aces. : )


As always,

Alice
585
585
Review of Death house  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
As request a review.

The title is okay. But consider other things. It one of a thousand titles that are very much like it. Also both words in it should be capitalized.

Opening line of first paragraph is all fact. You need to tell info. It's not a report it's story, show it to me.



“Hey, I will race you both to the Death House” said Thomas with a cocky look on his face as he stopped his bike.

House." said ***

Consider,

With a cocky look on his face, Thomas said, "Hey, I'll race you to the Death House, " as he stopped his bike.




“There is a reason why you are failing Algebra…you are just plain stupid.” Said Sam as him and Bobby laughed.

Algebra . . . you






“There is a reason why Sally is with me? You got no balls.” Thomas with a smirk on his face.

With a smirk on his face, Thomas said, "There's a reason why Sally is with me. You got balls the size of raisens."




“You have jokes…you have jokes.” Said Sam shaking his head okay.

I sorry, but this line does not seem to work. Maybe,

"How would you know unless you been lookin' ?"





“That place is haunted, I ain't going anywhere.” Said Bobby with terror in his voice. “Besides, it is too hot to be doing that.”

anywhere," said Bobby, terror in ***



“That place is haunted, I ain't going anywhere.” Said Bobby with terror in his voice. “Besides, it is too hot to be doing that.”

Or

With fear in his voice, Bobby replied, "Tht place is haunted. I ain't going anywhere near it." He wipped his forehead. "Besides, it is too hot to go anywhere but Sam's pool."






Thomas gets off the bike, walks over to Bobby, scratches head, and says “Bobby Bobby Bobby, the wind cooled down the temperature and you should come to the Death House if you want to become a man like me.” With reinsurances in his voice.

Gets is the wrong tense. It should be got.

says,

"Bobby, Bobby, Bobby.




Thomas pulled out a bag of skittles from his pocket, opened them, and popped a few in his mouth, toss the skittles in the air and the wind blow them away.

Skittles




Bobby gave Thomas a stupid face and said “You know what? You are stupid and you didn’t even offer us any.”

said,

Try and change on the, "studid" with another word.




“I don’t give anything away and are ya both coming or not?” Asked Thomas.

Thosmas asked.





Sam and Bobby sat for a second, and then they answered “Sure.”

answered,





Thomas got on his bike, smiled, and said “Cool, now who ever make it to the house first gets first player on the game when we get back.”

said,



Everyone got into positions and they all counted “Three…two…one…go!”

counted,

"Three . . . two . . . one . . . go!"



They all shot off like cannons. They raced up the steep wooden hill that was close to the field.

They all shot off like cannons and raced up the steep wooden hill that was close to the field.




The house was on a very grassy hill and no trees around it.

Very is always a word you should think about changing. What about replacing it with thick.




When they got to the house, they fell to the ground in exhualted.The boys were beaten up by the rocks that they landed on and bled a little.

You need to seperate these two setances.




Sam was out of breath and said “Let’s make this a draw.”

said,



Some parts of the house from the outside had many paint colors like white, red, and blue chipped over the years.

Echos of the past color peaked through. White, red and blue chipped off with the passing of time.




“Okay, you know the drill…Rock, Paper, and Scissors.”Said Thomas as they all put their hands out.

drill . . . Rock

Scissors." Thomas

But I think it would sound better as ~ Thomas said, as they ***

And I think it should be fits and not hands.




After they were done, Bobby had rock, Sam had rock, and Thomas had scissors.

Cut "After they were done, ".

Bobby kept his hand a fits forming a rock.

Sam too was a rock.

Thomas through a scissors.





Thomas then punched Bobby in the shoulder and said “Whatever.”

said,




On the outside of Thomas, he looks cool and calm, but on the inside he feels scared.

On the outside, Thomas was cool and clam, but on the inside he felt scared.





“Shut up!” Yelled Thomas back in frustration.

“Shut up!” Thomas yelled back in frustration.




As Thomas wasn’t paying any attention to Sam and Bobby, Sam picked up a rock and threw it at Thomas and hitting him in the back.

As Thomas was distracted, Sam picked up a rock and threw it at Thomas and hitting him in the back.




Thomas then got mad, picked up the rock, turned around, and threw it back at Sam.

Thomas got mad, picked up the rock, turned around, and threw it back at Sam.





Bobby coving over his mouth in panic“Oh my god man, what were going to do!” Saying it over and over again.

You need a space after panic

God






That should help.

A







As always Alice
586
586
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
The puppy who had shared Melissa’s adventure in the old house was the last of Sierra’s five puppies to find a permanent home.

puppy that had


I think you should trim down how many times you use her name.




“”Oh, my goodness! Melissa, what happened to you?” her mother asked as she walked in to the kitchen.


Double quotes.

"Oh



I'm so used to keeping my thoughts to myself that is is difficult to share them, even with a book no one will ever read.

See the dounble is.




The dairy does not sound like the date.

Take a look at this and I think it will help.

http://www.newberry.k12.sc.us/mchs/50sSlang.htm




At this point, the beautiful handwriting was replaced by a hasty scrawl, barely readable in some places.


At this point, a hasty scrawl, barely readable in some places, replaced the beautiful handwriting.





My parents are Roger and Elizabeth Garrett and my sisters names are Katherine and Deborah.

sisters'




Strangely I have just written a story about witchcraft and sisters and in Georgia and in the fifties.

Let me know when you have more to read.

Alice
587
587
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I'm back!

I like the title.



Covering the body with the cloth, and tucking it's edges beneath the captain, Séamus stood up and walked to the door.

its

http://www.fred.net/kathy/its.html





"God, forgive me...you know there has never been a desire in me to take any man's life, I do not have the right to take what I can't give... Please lord, I ask you to have mercy upon his soul, as he was unable to repent for his last sin on this earth... Please guide me and keep safe my wife and son...

http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/ellipse.asp...

"God, forgive me . . . you know there has never been a desire in me to take any man's life, I do not have the right to take what I can't give . . . Please lord, I ask you to have mercy upon his soul, as he was unable to repent for his last sin on this earth... Please guide me and keep safe my wife and son . . .




Dipping a corner of the cloth into the fresh water, he lifted the cloth to her cheek, and called to her, “Treasa…”, a little louder, “Treasa”.

http://www2.ncsu.edu/ncsu/grammar/Quotes3.html

"Trasa . . . ,"

"Treasa."



I liked that last more. It had more description in it. This moved the plot.
588
588
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello AsclepiusJulz,

Welcome to WDC.


Well with Gribbin's as imspriation how can this be bad?


you put this in the Sci-fi fhort contest. If you can not find them shoot me a note.




A scream emanates from the distant snow capped mountains "What’s going on"

A scream emanates from the distant snow capped mountains, "What’s going on?!"





Before long you realise you throat is sore, it was you that created the eternal echoes, but no answer comes back

Consider,

Before long, you realise your throat is sore, it was you that created the eternal echoes, but no answer comes back.


If you ever need for someone to read give me a note.

I think some of this is almost poetry.


Alice
589
589
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Okay for what it's worth . . .

Please consider changing the name form,

English Wolves In Eire

to

Erie Wolves


Also the tag is not very tempting.



First lines works well.






The cabin was not any more lavish inside than out, although much warmer.

Consider,

The cabin was not lavish inside but it was much warmer.





It was a discussion they had all too often any more.

Consider,

It was a discussion they had all too often.

The "any more" part puzzled me.




This seems as if it is a historical story, the use of word "cabin" seems out of time and place.






“Mr. Kelley, God has given you a son...”

son . . ."

http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/ellipse.asp...



Kick ass first chapter.


WOnderful description.



590
590
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I put this on my favorites so I will be able to come back. I forgot who wrote it so I had to hunt. But that should be cleared up now. If I do not go on with the reading and do not tell you why, bug me. I am sure it is because I got caught up in my own writing.

I like the title of the book and the tag is good too.

However the name of Morrigan is a tad over used. Although, I am partial to the name as well.




It was a strange feeling for Morrigan to only be awake at night. Morrigan had been a morning person her entire life and to be forced to sleep when the sun came up was still a concept she was getting used to.

Think about cutting "feeling".




As far as being only a hundred and twenty four years old she was considered a baby compared to most of the others. However she was strong enough to protect herself from some of the oldest of her kind. This in itself created a problem to the older members, as they deemed her a threat. Morrigan was a wanted vampire and all of her kind new it.

Think about . . .

At a hundred and twenty four years old she was only a baby compared to most of the others.

Even though she was still young, she was strong enough to protect herself from the oldest of her kind who would do her harm.

The elder members deemed her a threat because of this. How much strong would she become in time?

The last line rocks as is.





Blood… it was the first thing on her mind when she woke with the setting sun. She had to find someone to feed her. It wasn’t like there weren’t places she could go to find willing donors, it was that the enforcer had all of her kind on the look out for her. Any place that groupies were, vampires were looking for her, and so that was why she was having problems finding food. Morrigan was not looking forward to another animal’s blood. Where it would curb her appetite and sustain her, it was only something a vampire could do for so long before they went rouge and started slaughtering humans. If she couldn’t find someone soon, that was exactly what would happen to her. So with a heavy heart Morrigan got dressed up to go out on the town.



Blood . . . it

Any place that groupies were, vampires were looking for her, and so that was why she was having problems finding food.


Any place that groupies were, vampires were looking for her.



Morrigan was not looking forward to another animal’s blood. Where it would curb her appetite and sustain her, it was only something a vampire could do for so long before they went rouge and started slaughtering humans.

Morrigan was not looking forward to another animal’s blood to curb her appetite and sustain her, it was only something a vampire could do for so long before they went rouge and started slaughtering humans.







He was devastatingly good looking. Six foot four inches with eyes the color of the Pacific Ocean on a stormy day, and the most boyish, mischievous grin, Morrigan couldn’t help herself but to gasp with surprise at the fact that she felt that instant sexual attraction.

I thought this was nice.

I was a little surprised that you killed some of my best vampires. Nosta was one of my best. I wonder how you got the better of her





I was a little surprised that you killed some of my best vampires. Nosta was one of my best. I wonder how you got the better of her.

I think the use of "better" is too repetitive.






“You better start talking or I’m gonna put a bullet in you. I know that you’re old enough that even though I have silver shot it won’t kill you. But I can finish the job.”



I think this too forced. It doesn't feel natural to me. It feels like you giving me info for me the reader and not as they would.








It did, however, frighten her that when she called you, you resisted the urges she compelled of you.


It did, however, concern her that when she called, you resisted the urges to come to her.



“I told you I wanted answers. So if you don’t mind hurrying it up I’m getting hungry.” If the truth be told the fact that she hadn’t had any human blood for over a month had left her very weak, and the constant battles with the Enforcer’s minions had taken most of her energy that she had been conserving so that she might live on animal blood for a little longer.




“I told you I wanted answers. So if you don’t mind hurrying it up I’m getting hungry.” If the truth be told the fact that she hadn’t had any human blood for over a month had left her very weak, and the constant battles with the Enforcer’s minions had taken most of her energy that she had been conserving so that she might live on animal blood for a little longer.


Truth be told, the fact that she hadn’t had any human blood for over a month had left her very weak, and the constant battles with the Enforcer’s minions had taken most of her energy that she had been conserving so that she might live on the blood of an animal for a little longer.







“I can’t believe you shot me.” He said in a whisper. “My, my, I guess I did underestimate you. Anyway I’m trying to deliver a message from the Queen. She is starting to lose patience with you, and it has almost run out. So if you don’t mind…” He stopped for a moment to toss her like a piece of wood off of his chest, and as he sprung up to his feet he continued. “I would like to take you to see her.”



Anyway I’m trying to deliver a message from the Queen.

I’m trying to deliver a message from the Queen.


She is starting to lose patience with you, and it has almost run out.

Her patience with you has almost run out.



“Listen to me you self-centered little bitch. I was ordered to bring you to the Queen, and I can’t go back unless I have you in tow. The first fifty years wasn’t that bad, but I want to go home.” “Well keep wanting because I’m not going. Now if you will excuse me I have to find someone to feed me.”

“Listen to me you self-centered little bitch. I was ordered to bring you to the Queen, and I can’t go back unless I have you in tow. The first fifty years wasn’t that bad, but I want to go home.”

“Well keep wanting because I’m not going. Now if you will excuse me I have to find someone to feed me.”




“Son of a bitch” He cursed to himself as he took off after her.

bitch!"




Whoa!! Down girl!!

Whoa! Down girl!



When Morrigan first felt consciousness she was sucking blood from some man’s neck. Sputtering as she gagged by reflex alone she sat up and tried hard not to vomit. For a vampire to vomit when consuming blood was very rare. She must have been more deprived of the actual live sustenance then she actually believed.



She must have been more deprived of the actual live sustenance then she actually believed.

You say she was living off of animals, now you say that she's been feeding off of blood donations in a bag.

Consider,

She must have been more deprived of human blood then she actually believed. For a vampire to vomit when consuming blood was very rare.





“There are vampires out there that are way more scary then the Queen. Vampires that in a one to one fight she would most likely lose, however, they are to afraid to get into a war with her.”


they are too afraid




“How is that possible?” I wonder what happened to the Cremator. It’s strange to think that a woman he had been following for ten years before changing her, that he’d just take off after he had fulfilled that dream. I wonder if he knew that he wouldn’t be able to control her.

It’s strange to think that a woman he had been following for ten years before changing her, that he’d just take off after he had fulfilled that dream.

No comma after her.





“It is very strange indeed.” It is something I with have to inquire about if I can ever get this infernal woman to cooperate.


It is something I will have to inquire about if I can ever get this infernal woman to cooperate.




“So Dick, thanks for the meal, but its about time to say goodbye and go our separate ways. Tell the Queen I said ‘What’s Up?’”


it's

Tell the Queen I said, 'What's up?'"




“I still don’t get why you insist on calling me that. And I do not intend to leave until after we have seen the Queen. So just take my hand and we can go.” As Morrigan and Taben touched hands it was like an electric shock and Morrigan was definitely seeing stars and other things in her mind’s eye.


Earier you said, "it was like an electric shock." I would find another to say it here.





Taben could see his hand running up her thigh while he felt her hand’s all over him. She was exploring his mouth with her tongue and it was as urgent a kiss as ever. Morrigan couldn’t control her hands; it was like they had a mind of their own. Taben slowly started to unbutton her jeans when it hit him.


Taben could see his hand running up her thigh while he felt her hand’s all over him.

hands


She was exploring his mouth with her tongue and it was as urgent a kiss as ever.

I do not think this quite works. Maybe,

Urgently, she explored his warm wet mouth with her tongue.

Maybe not.




I would like to see bring in more description to the chapter. Some of it feels like you are telling us the tale instead of showing me. I can not see the world very much. I think if changed this it turn into a better read and a better rating.


A
591
591
Review of The Corridor  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello MissHaunted-MoonLight,

Welcome to WDC. I hope you get as much out of the site as I have.



But one fact had managed to register within her frantically working mind;

This wasn’t part of Mr Lowell’s house!


I think this might be better,


But one fact had managed to register within her frantically working mind; this wasn’t part of Mr. Lowell’s house!


I pretty good tale.


Please think about joining us.

Horror Luvrs "R" We the forum Open in new Window. (18+)
A forum for all things horror. Enter and do be aware of the beast under the porch!
#955549 by peggy Author IconMail Icon



If you are looking for something to write about think about this,

"Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

"Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

"Invalid Item" Open in new Window.


You might want to think about having the story added to these contest.

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"Invalid Item" Open in new Window.


Alice
592
592
Review of Djinn in the Box  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I am so happy to see that you too have entered the OHC. I was hoping you would.

Okay, the title. It's okay. But you migth want to we think it. I am sure there will be more than one story with a title like this.

The tag is great.

The opening parargraph works well.



She smiled “The owner just said ‘Sell it..

I think:

smiled,

it.




They were delighted by the other things they found around the home.

The other things they found around the home delighted them.






“Mm-hm, <yawn> we’ll check out the upstairs in the morning.”

Consider,


“Mm-hm." He yawed."We’ll check out the upstairs in the morning.”



After a few more weeks, they decided they wanted to stay in the Vacation Vic for a longer time..

Double period.





“Ugh, did you get the broom? And the vacuum? And the respirators? Lauren asked rhetorically, then sneezed. Jake laughed. They’d decided to try to tackle the attic this weekend.


“Ugh, did you get the broom? And the vacuum? And the respirators? Lauren asked rhetorically, then sneezed. Jake laughed. They’d decided to try to tackle the attic this weekend.

“Ugh, did you get the broom? And the vacuum? And the respirators?"Lauren asked rhetorically, then sneezed.

Jake laughed.

They’d decided to try to tackle the attic this weekend.




“Ok, I think I’ve had enough for now.

It should be OK or okay

http://www.maximumawesome.com/reference/g-okay.htm...






They didn’t go back up to the attic again that day. They enjoyed their back porch and had wine and some take-out Chinese. That night again at midnight, they heard noises in the attic. This time they were banging, scraping noises, like there were wild animals fighting


They didn’t go back up to the attic again that day. Instead, the two enjoyed their back porch with wine and some take-out Chinese.

That night again at midnight, the noises in the attic returned. This time, banging, scraping noises, like there were wild animals fighting.




The sparks became red smoke that coalesced into a vaguely human shape, then into the shape of a beautiful young woman with raven-black hair in a long braid below her waist and tilted dark eyes that drank in one’s soul and seemed wiser than the woman’s years.

I thought this was vry nice.




“You… You.. Uh.

“You . . . You . . . Uh.

http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/ellipse.asp...




She was SO hungry.

She was so hungry.



She growled to herself, but to Jake she said “Our time must be secret, I cannot serve more than one. Please, keep my confidence.” She pleaded.

said,



He didn’t want to tell Lauren, because she’d think he was fantasizing about another woman..

Double period.





After a couple of weeks, his sleep became fitful..

Double period.




Great idea.
593
593
Review of It Hath Rained  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Jordan Langer,

And welcome to WDC. You should hunt around and find some poetry contest and place this were it applies to its rules.

Some grammar notes:


Should you listen, very attentive… can you not hear?

attntive . . . can

http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/ellipse.asp...




Beethoven, beware! for alas! it hath rained.

Consider,

Beethoven, beware! For alas! It hath rained.
594
594
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Okay this is the last thing in your port that I have not read.

I dare save that I saved the best for last.

I think you should be proud of your win. Color this and place it at the top of the poem.
Winner-2nd place, Darkness at Dusk, wk March 20th,2007
Poetry Merit Badge March 26th, 2007



Also did you know that you can place the merit badge you were given for this on your story. It is listed where you find how to place color and other bells and ribbons on things. Let me know if you are not sure what I am talking about.

Alice
595
595
Review of Feast of the Moon  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Duggan Said

said,



"A fine feast it shall be… but

be . . . but




Preying upon unsuspecting travelers feeding their insatiable hunger for tender human flesh." "Enough! Pagan mummery" Duggan said "Come now! Give us a tale."



Preying upon unsuspecting travelers feeding their insatiable hunger for tender human flesh."

"Enough! Pagan mummery" Duggan said "Come now! Give us a tale."




"Enough! Pagan mummery" Duggan said "Come now! Give us a tale."

Duggan said,





The stranger said with a eerie tone that made even the hulking Duggan shudder.

an eerie




“ I have Just the Tale for you Lads,

"I

just






Its called ‘A Lone Man Walks a Dark Road.’”

It's




Shot me a note when you write more.


Alic
596
596
Review of Mists of Chaos  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Strangley, the title seems off center to the rest of the poem.


Great title on this one. The tag is also fine.


Lost in the mists of chaos, etheric time.

Spelling notes need only apply if you are in the USA.

enteric



and rules comingling forces as they roam.

commingling




Shall our souls foverever wander back.

forever




Upon the universe, too real yet blind

I think this needs a period.




Again the last line is wonderful.


ALice
597
597
Review of Hot Blood  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I feel that you should take this period away or add one at the end of each stanza.

The living dead are here, they're here again
Light the bonfires and let's begin.



I also think that you shoudl place a comma at the end of each of the first lines of each of the stanza's.



This one is wonderful to read out loud.


Alice
598
598
Review of The Speech  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I found a small correction.

Through rotting senses orate and obscure mysteries propound

This needs a period.




The last line of the last stanza really rocked.



THis was wonderful. I wish I was a decent poet. I think it really shows in your writing that you are a good poet.



ALice
599
599
Review of The Victors  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I am working my way through your port again. Boy will you have a bunch of reviews.

Oh I also placed a story of yours in the list of The Plug Page. I hope your story gets a lot more reads.




crys for mercy not drowned by the wind.

Anyway, if you are in USA

cries



This is nice, but I like your darker stuff better.

Alice
600
600
Review of Waves  Open in new Window.
Review by AliceNgoreland Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Ha! I found something of yours I have not read yet.

I love this stanza,

"The rhythm of tides that flow from a luminous moon
Bless me and keep me, and wash me up soon."

This has a wonderful quality of melancholy to it. Somehow to me it echoes of Poe.
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