As request a review.
The title is okay. But consider other things. It one of a thousand titles that are very much like it. Also both words in it should be capitalized.
Opening line of first paragraph is all fact. You need to tell info. It's not a report it's story, show it to me.
“Hey, I will race you both to the Death House” said Thomas with a cocky look on his face as he stopped his bike.
House." said ***
Consider,
With a cocky look on his face, Thomas said, "Hey, I'll race you to the Death House, " as he stopped his bike.
“There is a reason why you are failing Algebra…you are just plain stupid.” Said Sam as him and Bobby laughed.
Algebra . . . you
“There is a reason why Sally is with me? You got no balls.” Thomas with a smirk on his face.
With a smirk on his face, Thomas said, "There's a reason why Sally is with me. You got balls the size of raisens."
“You have jokes…you have jokes.” Said Sam shaking his head okay.
I sorry, but this line does not seem to work. Maybe,
"How would you know unless you been lookin' ?"
“That place is haunted, I ain't going anywhere.” Said Bobby with terror in his voice. “Besides, it is too hot to be doing that.”
anywhere," said Bobby, terror in ***
“That place is haunted, I ain't going anywhere.” Said Bobby with terror in his voice. “Besides, it is too hot to be doing that.”
Or
With fear in his voice, Bobby replied, "Tht place is haunted. I ain't going anywhere near it." He wipped his forehead. "Besides, it is too hot to go anywhere but Sam's pool."
Thomas gets off the bike, walks over to Bobby, scratches head, and says “Bobby Bobby Bobby, the wind cooled down the temperature and you should come to the Death House if you want to become a man like me.” With reinsurances in his voice.
Gets is the wrong tense. It should be got.
says,
"Bobby, Bobby, Bobby.
Thomas pulled out a bag of skittles from his pocket, opened them, and popped a few in his mouth, toss the skittles in the air and the wind blow them away.
Skittles
Bobby gave Thomas a stupid face and said “You know what? You are stupid and you didn’t even offer us any.”
said,
Try and change on the, "studid" with another word.
“I don’t give anything away and are ya both coming or not?” Asked Thomas.
Thosmas asked.
Sam and Bobby sat for a second, and then they answered “Sure.”
answered,
Thomas got on his bike, smiled, and said “Cool, now who ever make it to the house first gets first player on the game when we get back.”
said,
Everyone got into positions and they all counted “Three…two…one…go!”
counted,
"Three . . . two . . . one . . . go!"
They all shot off like cannons. They raced up the steep wooden hill that was close to the field.
They all shot off like cannons and raced up the steep wooden hill that was close to the field.
The house was on a very grassy hill and no trees around it.
Very is always a word you should think about changing. What about replacing it with thick.
When they got to the house, they fell to the ground in exhualted.The boys were beaten up by the rocks that they landed on and bled a little.
You need to seperate these two setances.
Sam was out of breath and said “Let’s make this a draw.”
said,
Some parts of the house from the outside had many paint colors like white, red, and blue chipped over the years.
Echos of the past color peaked through. White, red and blue chipped off with the passing of time.
“Okay, you know the drill…Rock, Paper, and Scissors.”Said Thomas as they all put their hands out.
drill . . . Rock
Scissors." Thomas
But I think it would sound better as ~ Thomas said, as they ***
And I think it should be fits and not hands.
After they were done, Bobby had rock, Sam had rock, and Thomas had scissors.
Cut "After they were done, ".
Bobby kept his hand a fits forming a rock.
Sam too was a rock.
Thomas through a scissors.
Thomas then punched Bobby in the shoulder and said “Whatever.”
said,
On the outside of Thomas, he looks cool and calm, but on the inside he feels scared.
On the outside, Thomas was cool and clam, but on the inside he felt scared.
“Shut up!” Yelled Thomas back in frustration.
“Shut up!” Thomas yelled back in frustration.
As Thomas wasn’t paying any attention to Sam and Bobby, Sam picked up a rock and threw it at Thomas and hitting him in the back.
As Thomas was distracted, Sam picked up a rock and threw it at Thomas and hitting him in the back.
Thomas then got mad, picked up the rock, turned around, and threw it back at Sam.
Thomas got mad, picked up the rock, turned around, and threw it back at Sam.
Bobby coving over his mouth in panic“Oh my god man, what were going to do!” Saying it over and over again.
You need a space after panic
God
That should help.
A
As always Alice
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