I really wish you would please seperate the paragraphs. It would make this easier to read and save me a great deal of time.
Great opening, very rich.
"Your parents are away, So they will not know, will they, unless you tell them of course."
so
The silence was disturbed by the sudden roar of bikes.
The sudden roar of bikes disturbed the silence.
"I think, we just might stay here, it seem's to have improved."
seems
She hurried to the garden, tears filled her eyes, she had become the subject of Carolines jokes again.
Caroline's
"You didn't answer my question, Why do you listen to Caroline?" She shrugged.
question.
or
question, why
"I don't think, she is your friend, but its none of my business." She sat thinking about when they were younger.
it's
"Jenny, I am not really interested, So you don't sleep around, could she say that?" She looked at him shocked, he pulled her towards him gently, kissing her making her tremble.
interesed.
They hurried to the bike, he paused holding her gently noticing how frightened she looked.
bike;
"Jenny, get on, and hold me, its that easy, nothing to worry about."
it's
He held her close, kissing her,
"You can do anything, If you try."
if
She returned his kiss, holding him nervously, he teased her gently making love to her.
nervously;
"Listen to me, your very different.
you're
"Why can't we just stay here, It's so quiet.?"
, it's
quiet."
"I have to get the others, So will you come back with me?"
, so
She nodded silently, they walked back to the bike.
silently;
"you might have him now, but when he has a few drinks inside him, I will get him.
"You
She always's get's what she wants."
always gets
"About two years, If you really want to know, She is my ex, It just didn't work out." He held her again.
years, if
know, shes
ex.
"Caroline has calmed down, So I don't think you have anything to worry about."
down, so
"No, we are just really good friends, We have shared a lot of things, but Cassie and me,"
friends.
"It just relaxes you, and I only smoke it on Friday's, It help's me unwind after a hectic week, at work."He hugged her gently.
Seperate these sentances.
"I'll tell you in a few weeks, It's nothing bad."
weeks.
They were awoken by shouting and screaming.
Shouting and screaming awaked them.
Two of members dragged Cassandra to the alter, holding her tight, has she struggled to free herself.
alter;
The crowd began to chant Sirrius has he approached Cassandra, glancing at her.
Sirius
"I'm not an unreasonable person, and it would help your soul, If you give yourself willingly, I can take the pain away, just say the word."
soul.
Sirius raised his hand, He crouched beside her again.
hand as he
"Our lord Satan doesn't want your body, He want's your soul."
body, he
wants
"I'll be ok, I do not need to go to hospital, I can't stand them."
Ok or okay
hospital.
"You could stay with me tonight, If you want."
tonight, if
She sat on the leather suite, amazed how tidy the flat looked,
looked.
Caroline laughed to herself. "Jenny, he is too nice for you, and if you decided to...., "
to . . ."
"I suppose you think he loves you, your parent's will be home tomorrow, They will be so disappointed, When they find out about Pete."
tomorrow.
disappointed when
She sighed, carrying the coffee mug's into the lounge.
mugs
Pete could see she was troubled, he sat on the arm of the chair.
troubled;
"I think, we need to talk, So if you wouldn't mind."
talk . . . so
"You don't understand, If I do not obey their rules they will tell me to leave."
understand, if
"Does it really matter, If they tell you to leave, I can bring you back here."
matter.
"Do I have to go back?" Her voice filled with fear because of her fathers rules.
father's
"I've told you, I will be with you, So stop worrying."
you.
She picked at her food worried about going home, they walked to the bike, She paused before getting on.
food, as she worried
home.
They
and she paused.
The look of disappointment clearly on his face.
This is a fragment. You should cobime it with the sentance before it.
He whispered, her father blocked the entrance with his hand.,
hand.
"Caroline has phoned your mother this morning, What she was told, was hard to believe. But!,
morning, what
But!
"I'll talk to you and mum about this, but Pete comes too, It concerns him."
too, it
"Did you get drunk last night, So drunk, that you let..."
night?
let . . ."
Pete, imagine you had a daughter, you would naturally want the best for her, wouldn't you?, you would not want her dating someone that could only offer her a giro once a week"
daughter.
You would
you? You would not
week."
I have a full time job, in fact I start work at two in the morning, I am normally finished at lunch time, but in my profession, It could be a lot later, you should listen to her, She know's what she want's, I can only assure you, I will look after her, and I would never hurt her."
job. In fact,
morning.
profession, it
later. You
her, she
knows
wants. I
I honestly do not know what to do Jennifer, If I do nothing and you get hurt.
Jennifer. If
I would never forgive myself, If I forbid you to see him again.
myself if
She hugged her father, then kissed Pete crying, He dried her tears.
father and then
crying.
"Pete would you like to stay for dinner, It would be a pleasure, for you to join us."
dinner.
pleasure for
"What does he do for living, It must be something interesting, if he starts at 2am?"
living?
interesting if
2 AM?"
They finished the meal, he held her hand gently walking to the bike, She hugged him. "I'm really going to miss you, I wanted you to know, you made my birthday great."
As they
meal he
bike.
you.
"I'll phone you tomorrow after work, We can decide what to do this weekend.
work.
He rode into the distance, She began to help her mother tidy away the dinner plates.
distance.
"He seem's to be a very nice young man, not exactly what your father and I, had planned, but!"
seems
That should get you fairly far.
A
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