I read this a couple of time trying to get a feel of its meaning and while at first it was elusive,then behold, I finally, yeehaw, grapsed its deeper meaning.
I wonder though, should it be so hard? Was it your intention to ignite "thought-provoking analysis? because that is exactly what you did. So bravo!
I like the resolution the fly comes to. I really like the "perspective' from the flies point-of-view. Very imaginative and compelling.
There were certain parts that truly amazed me. "pin-tip aperture of a lie" and the the use of the color of the lipstick on the fly "Berry Crush red stained fly"
Very vivid and rich in detail.
overall, I really liked the deeper meaning of this little piece, the introspection of the fly and the casual indifference of the woman...old and young, different, yet the same.
I don't have any suggestions that could possible improve on it. I think its great as is.
A thought-provoking, original and asthetically pleasing little short.
This is was pretty good. You had me laughing and praying that a political cmapaign never arrives at this level. Twisted. And yet, there is a certain amount of truth to the "mudslinging"
I thought it was well written. And it was engaging in a wry kind of way. It wasn't profound and yet, I don't suspect it was meant to be. Rather, just a parody of political campaigns. It was entertaining.
The very last line was harsh...very crude and yet, it seeemed as though it couldn't of ended any other way. So, well done with that.
"and it resides permanently in the tapestry of my soul." I love this line. It was impressively poignant.
I've heard of this "Garden of Eden." You brought it alive in my mind, vivdly and beautiuflly.
This remberance of yours is well written and filled with reverence and a bittersweetness. The bittersweet because of why you needed to escape and what deeper meaning it held for you. I am honored to read your sweet rememberance and I am grateful for your service.
I did see a couple areas that could use punctuation: "under my bare feet I" comma after "feet.
"gazing out into its distance I." comma after "distance.'
Thanks for bringing the "Garden of Eden" alive in the "forfront" of my mind with a lovely vivid picture.
Too, your word usage was profound. The emotions you gave when writing this piece, were strongly felt as I read. Excellent!
Hi Sherdian. I hope this review is helpful for this is my only intent.
Let me first say that I think you have the beginings of a good story here. It is alive with the emotion of the moment you captured in history. A moment that is still, to this day shameful for America.
I love the reverent tone in which you used to tell the struggles of the native American tribe. There was a heart-felt genuine feel about the story. But it wasn't without errors.
This is what I found along my read: Your sentences are a bit choppy. try varying their length. It will help in the flow of your story.
Second, some of your descriptions didn't bring about a picture in my mind. They seemed to be lacking detail or create a bit of confusion. For example: "there is still ice on the cattails, a sort of frozen sparkle." It seems to me that cattails are perennial plants meaning, their season doesn't include Winter. I could be wrong. I'm trying to remember. I live way up North,I've seen cattails all my life, I'm trying to wrack my brainn to recall if I 've seen them in Winter. Sorry, no help, I'm hopeless!
You wrote "the ponies searched under crusted snow..." and then shortly there after, you wrote" the drifting snow blows ..." these two images conflict. Is is cruited snow or drifting snow?
As does:"the freezing waters soothe our ponies." Yet prior to that you wrote: "it's frozen waters." conflicting images. feezing or frozen?
The following sentence was a bit unclear" "There is no green from the trees that never change."
I really liked this image: "wind kicked snow off the mountain." wonderful!
It would really help the reader if you would put spaces between your paragraphs. Just a suggestion.
I like where this stroy is going. I love the pride that you've given these hunters especially prevelant in the last sentence.
Your story is ladened with emotion. The struggles and the pain are deeply felt as I read. so well done there.
The few errors are easily addressed if you so choose. This is a powerful story in the making. But right now, its pretty raw. I hope this has been helpful
Your poem has an nice rhythm to it. Not because its full of precise rhymes that give it its flow, but rather, because of its structure and tone. Thus, a strong cadence rang in my ear as the words unfolded across the page.
It was easy to read and flowed nicely. The "heals' should be "heels". It seemed a bit pompous but in a playful way. And I thought it was a bit hokey but that's just my opinion because I'm not a big fan of "country"
It was just alright for me because I thought the repitition of the "bedroom scene" was a bit overdone and over-the-top.
I definitely can see this song being danced to in a country-western setting. It had a fun energy to it. So well done there.
I like the essence of hope you bring in to your poem. Too, there is a natural rythmn that occurs as the words unfold across the page.
This rythmn is less from intentional rhymes (since there is none) and more a result of the words that you choose that help the poem flow. This is good.
Too,there is a sense of "awakening" and "rebirth" in your poem which gives it a pleasing tone and a aesthetic quality.
I did get a little jammed up on the second to last line. It seemed a bit wordy. But other than that...well done.
I think you have the beginings of a fine short story here.
I see good character development and you've begun to set the stage for uncovering "the secret past' that appears to weigh heavily on Eleanor.
This appears to be a story of deep love and passion, a story that offers suspense and drama. So good job there.
I would have rated it higher but there were a few mistakes:"eventually, she opened her on business." own? "hansome" handsome?
In the sentence that began with "Eleanor Lytton owner of Lytton Realty.." not necessaary to repeat that she's the owner. In the previous sentene, you opened the story up with in "the office of Lytton realty." just a little overkill.
You wrote "appeared to be oblivious." oblivious is fine on its own. It one of those questions, can you really appear to oblivious? you either are oblivious or not.
You wrote "dread poured into Eleanor's memories now."
You could delete "now" the action pored, suggests now. And actually, poured might not be the right word choice.
you worte: almost defiantly responded." almost defiantly is over kill. either "almost" or "defiantly" is sufficient.
And, "until now, Anthony.....Now, a gnawing desire drove him to finally reveal the reasons..."
This is a bit confusing because it seems to be saying that Anthony is keeping the secret instead of Eleanor.
This errors are easily addressed if you choose. I hope this has been helpful for that was my only intention.
I like where this story is going. It has a lot of great quailities. And even greater possibilities. there were a few issues, but they are easily addressed.
I thought it was great that she hit the floor and screamed something out at the same time the thunder cracked...It was jarring because it was unexpected. So great job with suspense/surprise/twist.
1. wow.
2. wow again.
3. seriously though, wow.
4. No really, this was really
5. good.
6. I laughed
7. a lot.
8. and then chastized myself for laughing!
9. are you always this
10. mean? and difficult?
11. just kidding.
12. alright, enough with this numbers game.
I'd just like to say, that I agree with much of what you said. And that realization is very frightening.
It was humourous and off-the-hook but true. I especially agree with #1,2,4,7, and 13.
Thanks for making my day, in a sort of twisted-wit way!Now, take your own advice and mellow out. chill pops.
I hope you like this review. I had as much fun writing it as I did reading your "inchoherent babblings."
The house has as much character as the witch herself.
I like what's happening to this story and I'm eager to read more. It's simple and yet endearing.
There were a few errors, very minor; "...she kept herself to herself" She kept to herself is fine.
"a week after he had been..." seems like there is an unfinished thought missing in reference to the house.
Those are small and don't interfer with the story...but I thought you might like to know.
I like the character of the witch. She is what she is and makes no apologies. She seemes wise and content.
My favorites: "she was not a tall woman but no one dared to call her short." Splendid!
And: "One day Alice asked how Mrs Prentice flew about at night and the old woman glared at her so severely that Alice didn’t dare speak another word for the rest of her visit, she never asked again." this is a great response as well.
Overall, I like this stroy. Its refreshing and simple and yet quaint and charming. Your descriptiness is great especially with the house, it's alive with curious character. Well done.
Indeed, a celebration of colors. Your imagery was vidid and rich painting a briliant picture of colors fusing and spreading and beckoning as your words unfolded across the page.
This was an aesthetically pleasing short piece.
I didn't think it was necessary to color the "words" with their colors beacuse your descriptiveness colored them effectively bringing them alive in my mind's eye. So well done there. In fact, I thought, their respective shades to be distracting. But, overall, this was a very captivating and engaging. Respelendant with essence and allure.
this had elements of humor...I could see the moment of truth unfolding and it made me smile.
Your short was written well, as there were no mistakes in the mechanics of writing, and it was interesting and mildly humorous, but it lacked focus.
It wandered here and there somewhat aimlessly. And it seemed to take much too long to get to the point of your story, which, was the first crush.
I liked the interjection of some of the icons and
social nuances that were unique of the 70's and 80'. This gave a sense of realism to your story.
I liked the honesty and the genuine approach to your "revelation". It had a kind of "awkwardness" to it that that made the situation and the chracter believable. well done there!
I think you're on to something here, I'd just suggest removing those bits of information that drag the reader away from the theme and really don't add any significance to the story at hand which is the "first crush." I'm often times guilty of this myself...its so easy to get caught up in the act of writing ...I hope this has been helpful.
otherwise, a humorous look back into one of those moments that are as awkward as they are defining.
This is quite the poem, complete with a beginning, middle and end. Your theme was consistent through out its entirity which is amazing since this poem was longer than a traditional poem. It read like a poem put felt like a story. well done.
There was this wonderful cadence to your words, a nice rythmic flow as your words unfolded across the page.
Each rhyme came natural so your poem was easy to read the tone was one of lament, questioning and probing.
There was one line that jarred me a bit..unsetteling:
"And how we rob will them of their glory" Its the "rob will them' not sure what it means.
other than that excellent use of methaphor, rhyme and setting. ~Poem~on~and~peace~Kjo
this has got that "streams of consciousness" feel to it. There is an essence of peacefulness, of resolve and a sort of completness in/with your protagonist.
I like the comparision of your thoughts mingled with hers as she drones on and your mind wanders as he is circling his toes across your bare side. Well done.
the title is intriguing as is your story. There were a few questions in my mind as I was reading...some of your wanderings brought a little confusion: I wondered the Appalachain Mountains in my car..." unclear.
And "Finally, I could come up and I wore the black dress that I had..." again, unclear (the first part of the sentence)
"It is Rob and I's thrid date." It's our third date." Is fine.
This story is intriguing and engaging...and yet, the flow was a little rough due to the errors mentioned above. I like the aesthetic quailty and overall ambiance of your stroy.
It made me yearn for wild plums and for a lazy, peaceful summer day by the pool. I hope this has been helpful Write on~Peace~Kjo
There are many little nuances about this short story that I like.
In the overall ambiance of this piece, there's a quiet resolutness, a gentle coming to terms and acceptance that is refreshing.
I like the inner reflection and the inner strugle of the protagonist. That was handled nicely.
I will admit...I thought(secretly hoped!) That she was going to thrust that cup of hot coffee in his face. But what resolve!
There were moments in your story that you chaged tense and it was a bit confusing:
"I looked up from the cup to realize he was still there, still here with his expectant look on his face. I smiled fearlessly staring him straight in the eye. I feel my mouth move, my hands playing"
There were a few awkwardly constructed sentences: I realized then that my mug still hanging in the air, next to my mouth..."
"I have never, since that day, been able to drink from that mug." As you say that, you are drinking from that mug. Shift in times, so its a little confusing.
"Im crying out of you..." I crying you out of me?
"the day you left I left you." two sentences.
I like where this story is going. Its the perfect story to read with a cup of steaming coffee. Its intriguing and I like the emotional feel of it.
It needs a little work in tense and grammar, but that's an easy fix. You had a great into and I liked the ending, how you tied the ending with the beginning. Nice. I hope this has been helpful. Write on and Peace. Kjo!
Your story was excellent. Your opening paragraph was engaging and kept me engaged through the entire story. You protagonist was intriguing, and your setting was superbly described.
The details of your imagery put me right in the cemetery with you.
I liked the suspense you so masterfully weaved. I had not a sense of her own demise until the couple didn't respond to her. Well done with creating suspense.
There were a few mistakes in grammar and punctuation. Here's what I found: "...hems of my dress." "hem" is fine.
"before me spreads the old cemetery, it's weatherworn...." run on sentence. Either place a period after cemetery or a semicolon.
"behind that rises...family resided, when..." no comma before when. "when" suggest a continuation of the previous thought.
"...the stricken families, back when that care..." I reread that sentence a few times..it doesn't seem like it needs the comma after families. And you could delet "that" Use tend to use "that" a lot. Most of them could be deleted.
"...buried beneath stones that like as not do not even bear their names..." This senetence was unclear to me.
I was a bit jarred by the sentence "
"The boy, a tall, clean-shaven youth, gazes over the gravestones, his eyes serious and melancholy." only because, you could tell he was clean-shaven from such a distance? you wrote earlier that their car was on the far-side of the cemetery.
Just a thought. Now that I know what she is, it makes sense. But not before.
The few errors I mentioned are minor. And are easily addressed. Once you address those, this will be a first rate, suspenseful and compelling story.
You ability to grasp a readers attention and keep them interestsed through story telling with imagery and word usage...well... excellently done!
I hope this has been helpful. Write on and peace. Kjo
The inspiration you feel for the "search of truth: and Spiritual growth is effectively portrayed in your article or "other". Your quiet teachings and soft nudgings gently persuade.
Sounds like a "good place" to be, drowning out all the negative interferences just to meditate on the positive.
Seems like it takes a lot of discipline and practice to focus on such Spiritual delights.
As far as your writing, language, word usage and such. It was clear and consise and I got a clear sense of what your were trying to say.
I saw only one puntuation error: "When the illusion is over I will..." comma after "over."
It's rather difficult to rate and review transferences of thoughts amd consciousness. Becuase they are so personal. But I think what you were trying to offer was done effectively and poignantly. write on and peace. Kjo
I think you ability to set up a scene is magnificient!
The emotion that matches your words and the scene as it unfolds...excellent!
I like the protagonist thus far. I think you've done a terrific job of giving insight as to what kind of person she is.
You've created interest with Yavo...so, more than likely, the reader will continue on.
Suspense has been created. So well done.
I didn't see any spelling mistakes.
I will only suggest that some of your word usage wasn't the right choice for the scene or thought. For instant: "...slow moaning as it whips." Slow moaning and whip seem contradictory to me.
And "strolling through the forest..." seemed odd to me when it had been snowing. maybe "trudging"? I think its hard to stroll through snow.
Other than that. You've got the beginnings of a excellent story. You have ignited interest and suspense with emotion through good character development, setting and theme. Well done.
the image "cracked, like a cynic's view of the world" Excellent!
I hope this has been helpful. Write on and Peace. Kjo
I love the passion of this poem, It covers every possible thought/meaning and provision/condition of love. It is a
thought-provoking and insightful poem.
It is lovely in its rythmic flow. The gentle meter and ryhmes at the end of each sentence are rich with a yearning to be understood.
I did happen upon a couple of errors: "It's just and idead..." an
In the last line of the second stanza..."formulary" didn't seem to be the right "form" of the word. Perhaps formula?
"As free and as high as.." too many as.
Maybe as free and high as?
Other than that, this is a beautifully thought out, passionately expressed and insightful poem. Well done. Poem on and Peace. Kjo
You're on the right track here. You captured a moment with grace and beauty. Your writing was almost as perfect as the moment but there were a few mistakes:
"i" several little "i:'s need to be Capitalized. Scan and proofread for punctuation errors: "as i approach the greenway i beheld..." comma after "greenway."
I liked the line "angelic arrogance" nice.
"Her home, this river, served as the only good that lasted." This sentence is a little awkward.
Below is an example of a excellent image!
"She blended into the clouds only as a blur as the rain started fanning to the ground" Well done!
I think it is difficult sometimes to write so little and say so much. You've made a great attempt and it only fell short becuae of a few technical errors.
The image is there. The emotion and the tone. You've captured the essence it just needs a little tweaking. I hope this has been helpful.
You have tackled a emotional subject that will give rise to and ignite a bevy of Amens or a series of "girl, you must be crazy" responses.
All attitudes on race/religion,etnicity,sex orientation, ect. are in part, the direct result of the environment in which we grew up in. Our environment is the catalyst in which many of our attitudes, views, misconceptions and biases are born.
They are bred by the constant feeding of negative comments and negative images presented by family, friends, the media and the community.
Our "likes and dislikes" are characteristics that are part of our "biological make-up" that creates the unique individuals we grow up to become.
At times, those environmental factors play a part in what we choose to believe, who we choose to date/marry, and what our social behavior may be.
I disagree with part of your essay which states we don't choose who we fall in love with. I think it depends on whether we beleive love is a condition of the heart or a condition of the mind.
Personally, I think true love is a decision you make in your mind and your emotions swell with that decision after and heart-felt love is lust based mostly on an emotional response. But that's another exposition.
I think we date and marry those who appeal to us based on our preconcevied notions, expectations, personal tastes,values, likes and dislikes and unfortunately sometimes, that includes the negative interferences we received as a child in our environment.
I do however, completly agree with your statement that the characteristics that make us unique indivudals such as temperment/self-worth/values/social skills/ ideals have no "bearing" on what makes one "race" choose us over another because we are easier to get along with. As you said, that is an embodiment of "self-worth' So that was an effective opinion.
It is a controversial subject becasue their are many layers/ many fractions and every one has an opinion. It is the reason innerracial dating is still looked down upon in many social areas.
Perhaps we will never come to an agreement as a society. But as long we as individuals "do the right thing" 100% of the time and look into the "content of Character" as MLKing preached, then we are doing our part to not perpetuate racism/bigotry/biases.
I am a white woman who was married to a black man for 21 years. I have four grown children. I married in the "heat" of the seventies and I have seen and heard a lot that leaves, still to this day, a disturbing taste in my mouth. But I move forward surrounding myself with positive energy.
I think your essay makes some valid points. I understand what you are trying to say.
In order for it to be as persuasive/effective as it could possibly be, I would suggest editing and rewriting to address some of the minor errors in punctuation and sentence structure.
I rated your essay low not based on its ideas and views but based solely on its few errors that slightly interupted the flow and reduced your words' effectiveness.
Sorry, I didn't mean to write on and on. I do that at times when I am passionate about something.
You are on the right track. You ideas are valid and I support them for the most part. Write on and Peace. Kjo
You have written an effective exposition on "Divine Intelligence."
What makes your essay work is not your opinion necessarily, but the fact that you supported your opinion with facts that weigh both sides of the spectrum with intelligent examples.
In addition, you wrote in clear, concise langague that allows the reading audience to ponder and discern each idea/thought without undue pressure, weighty words and
philisophical mumbo jumbo typically used to alter or convince readers to jumb ship to the "other side". Well done there.
Too, I liked the fact that while it was persuasive, it wasn't "in your face" with emotional punches that hammer at one's own indecisive thoughts or inability to decipher between their thoughts and someone's elses. You presented your theory with gentle persuasion, based it on objective facts/views and supported it with evidence based from what we know to be self-evident in the Bible. Excellent
This kind of writing has taken me back to my university years. Thanks!
Considering your views on Divine Intelligence, I'd like to mention "The Secret." It is available in dvd or book form. I think you might enjoy it. It is suggesting the same, yet takes it steps further with "The Law of Attraction" manifesting good or evil with our own thoughts processes.
What we focus on we manifest into our life even if we think its positive. We attract by default. "Energy flows where attention goes." Its rather intriguing.
Sorry, didn't mean to go on. This is why I would'nt be good at persuasive expositions...I wander and ponder too much.
Overall, Excellently written with gentle persuasive tactics supported with facts that can be objectively discussed. Now, you've opened "a can of worms" so-to-speak for a barrage of emotional backlashing. It is a sensetive subject. good luck. Peace. Kjo
I think you're on to something here. I really liked it. It was simple and yet sweet. Heart-warming and entertaining. It was a bit slow and methodic yet, a pleasure to read.
There were a few mistakes...but easily addressed, mostly in spelling/typos and mechanics. For example: "all well and god..." good? and "cook diner" dinner?
I could perfectly picture the young boy going about the day...exploring the possibilities of being a fireman and policeman. It's simplicity brought a smile to my face. I kept thinking...this is the way a family should be. So well done there.
The age of the kid seemed appropriate. And the only thing that seemed a little over the top, was the chef idea. It amazed me that you were able to keep the language age appropriate as well. Excellent!
You seemed hesitant about asking for reviews...you wrote.."I know it needs work but.." It was much better than you give it credit for. And I'm not so easily pleased, especially with my own work. Well done. Write on and Peace. Kjo
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