A Frightful engaging story. Suspensful. And the minute she saw the man at the creek, I knew danger was found. I think you did a great job of presenting and maintaining the theme.
I had a little difficulty believing the assualt. It was lacking emotion for me. Emma screamed but it wasn't powerful--forceful enough for me to grasp the gravity of the situation.
I ralize she's only ten, and too I realize maybe she took comfort that her family was so close, but I needed to see more drama because it was a frightening scene.
I felt my heart skip a beat and a lump forming when the stranger sudddenly appeared. I knew smothing dreadful was about to happen. And yet the scenes after paled in comparison to that initial emotion rising from me.
I didn't much bleive the scene that followed in the cabin. Emma seemed so calm. In my humble opinion, you have the makings of a suspensful drama. You have the content, the theme, the characters, the setting...it's only missing a bit of emotion. That is an easy fix if you so choose.
I hope this has been helpful.
Otherwise, good writing! Thank goodness for cats! Good luck and write on! Peace. Kjo
You have the beginnings of a good poem...the theme is clear and the intent is concise.
Your poem is laced with a sweetness and the emotion is undenialbe.
Holding hands resonates with romance and tenderness...but there were a few images that seemed to mock that image of holding hands and one was the "meaty paw,." it was just too intrusive for you poem. I just couldn't get past that. As I read the rest of your poem, that "meaty paw" blocked the way for any emotion your words might have other wise ignited.
For your readers to get the full extent of your meaning, you might consider changing that image.
And also, you might consider adding more rhtymn to your stanzas, that would greatly add to its flow and tone.
A heart wrenching plea from a place I've never been... war.
Every word is choosen for its full effect thus striking to the very core with peceptive and haunting precision.
I sense the conflict of pride and of weariness. And the repition of "I just wanna come home." is very powerful and effective.
You imagry is compelling, not because it's so real and vivid, but because of its suggestive power. The tone is one of yearning laced with a familiar song that comes to mind: "no one knows the trouble I've seen," something like that, a singer I'm not! anyway...your poem pulled me in and kept me engaged and left me feeling your words.
Well written. Full of craftly choosen words that strike with preicision. Not one word is used that doesn't belong where you placed it. The emotion that unfolds with each stanza is laced with perfunct sadness and with the lament of being invisble to someone you love.
there is a certain cadence that resonates through each line, every stanza which serves to give the poem a easy flow.
Though there isn't much imagery in your poem, you still do a decent job of showing rather than telling thanks to the help of words chosen for their impact.
A delightful little story of one young man's "reality."
I thought it was well written, entertaining and laced with humor."..world had ditched me and gone to appeal some other mook. It was complete and utter blackness. I couldn’t see a thing. The sun had gone out and left me in shadow." This had me laughing...though a little over the top, still, believable.
All in a day in the life of Shane. And it was light-hearted and original and "fresh" Good character development with Shane in such a short span.
Enjoyable and a surprising good read. Write on and Peace. Kjo
There is an aesthetic quailty, and etheral feel to your piece on time.
You have appealed to our sensibilities with your lush descriptions and heady images. In a very small piece you've managed to capture the essence of time in a variety of ways withoug losing sight of "time's" essence.
Well written. Now take your ability to write, with your ability to create vivid imagery and your ability to ignite emotion and put some of these lovely ideas of "time" in a poem or create a short story. You have the talent. Write on andPeace. Kjo
What an imaginative fun piece. I truly got a huge kick out of your preposterous but entertaining story. It was light-hearted and colorful, rich in sounds, and silliness (in a good way).
Your descriptions are wonderful :"hot within the wrappings of their suits." and "as the sun clung to the zoo like cellophane over sweaty cheese" and my favorite: "tracing the patterns of brown chewing gum dissolving in the heat." Excellent!
Your descriptions are vivid painting a surreal picture in my mind.
The paragraph about his spoon collection and knowledge of calculators was very clever and a hoot to read.
Thanks for sharing this originallly funny and surprisingly entertaining short.
And, if you wanted to get serious, one could even pull a moral out of your story about how blind we are as humans so busy with our day to day.
Oh, and it was written exceptionally well. Peace. Kjo
I think you have made some valid points. Part of the problem with your article is it gives too many points of view. I think it would of been better served if you would of stayed with one theme, "frailities" and weighed all its possibilites. You started there and then got lost in a triad of various other POV. Thus, the reader gets lost as well.
Your article poses some interesting "ideas" some of which are substantiated but others which seem to be opinions only.
I had some difficulty reading the article because there were many errors, mostly sentence structure, here is what I found: "...name them so In fact they need to overcome this instinct..." I think you forgot the period after (so) and then you repeated that sentence twice.
"In the Greece.." Greece is plural of...do you Greek, but it also seems to be missing a thought, word?
"...because men do not give some room to sit owing to the gender..." wordy and unclear.
"nothing to proud of in it.? rewrite for clarity.
"Another basic thing is that men..." edit for wordiness.
I think you have the makings of a good article here. Some of your points of view are valid and intersting. I think some are not proven or substantiated. I think your views could be stronger and more effective if they were in active voice with sentences that are clear and concise. You are on your way. Just neeeds a little tweaking. I hope this has been helpful. Write on and Peace. kjo
Written with passion of the anguish that eats at you for the addictive behavior. Your craftly choosen words
strike to the very heart.
It is engaging and compelling and completely saturated with the conflict and the ensuing battle within.
To use the tree and the sap as the metaphor for the compulsion and for the temptation worked wonderfully.
There is a lovely yet sad rythmn that bellows out from your words as they unfold. A telling poem that is steeped in guilt and steeped in the reality of the mind which says over and over again...just one more...before I open the door.
Well written and full of every emotion known to moms.
I liked how you weaved the relief and regret after each little snipet of the day or yesterday.
It was engaging and pleasing and overflowing with the feeling of love with a twinge of sadness for missing the small things you don't know are gone until it's too late. Bittersweet.
Written extremely well with poingnacy. Write on and Peace. Kjo
Hey, I am from Alablama and I don't appreciate...
being called...ha, just kidding.
I always like to read your writings. I get a good laugh. And some where in all the absurdity...there lies a grain of truth and that is a frightning realization!
This is no exception, however, it wasn't written as well as your prior offerings. I think the last paragraph you got a bit bored...it ran out of steam and there was even a mistake: "we spent about the first eighteen hours of the day trying to decide what to." to?
Anyway..a small error, easily addresed if you so choose. Thanks for the laugh. Write on and Peace. Kjo
a slightly humorous account of a five hundred pound (?) menace too close for comfort.
It was engaging and entertaining. So much for the hero's acceptance award! LOL!
A well written non-fiction piece based on a real exprience when nature stalked a little too close for comfort. But, it seemed unfinished to me.
I was a bit dissappointed with the ending, not that I expected you to wrestle the beast, but for some reason, It's missing something...maybe a bit more description of the menace facing you and your family, some growls and unbecoming behavior...I don't know. But in any event, I did enjoy reading your short. Write on and Peace. Kjo
A very sad and poignant portrait of one little girls forced journey into a seedy life.
Some of your language was beautiful. Your decsriptions vivid: shining on the pavement like a spilled rum and coke.'and "the flickering naked neon woman illuminating him, shading him in the olive green of an apple martini"
Overall tone has a wonderful aesthetic quailty, laced with the sorrow and angusih of the little girls' reality.
While most of your descriptions are as heady and lush as the drinks that are craftly weaved throughout your story, they're also, at one point, bordering on abstract:"Pushed pavement presses upcrops of tall mohito mint against the wheels of the car,"
This has a lovely tone and flow to it...but I was left wondering...what it was.
Otherwise, well done. A well written snipit of the sad reality of alocholism and its affects on those we love. Write on and Pece.Kjo
The very last sentences were wonderful. You said in those few words what I was hoping to capture thorughout your story. Your intent was clear and concise and simmereing with emotion.
"There was importance given to the wrong things, but during that spectacle, there was nothing but Maria in my eyes. Sneaking behind her, I laid a palm on her shoulder. It was warm and soft. She gently lifted her eyes to meet mine. They were for the very first time immaculately beautiful and for the very first time the lack of words failed to pose a problem." Well said, but the ending can't substantiate the whole of the story.I was hoping for emotion like this throughout your story.
For me, the reader, I found a lot of your story too abstract. The use of words and language show a lot of intelligence, superior in a sense. What was lacking for me, was their ability to incite and ignite any feeling and emotion. I didn't get a clear picute of the protagonist. The theme and plot got lost in a bevy of abstract thoughts and ideas and sentences that were more haughty and intent of precision than on clarity and effect.
And perhaps this was your intent, and I apologise if I missed that.
I believe you are a gifted writer. Your ability to manipulate words and utilize language is strikingly apparent but it was missing passion. It was almost monotone in its effect. And the dialouge wasn't beleivable to me... "Do you not understand how much under pressure you had me a while before? Do you not understand that for much of the time before you held me in methaphorical talons of intimidation?"
Your sentences show your ability to manipulate words intelligently, but often times they were weighted down by lofty generalizations--inperceptible to my thoughts as I was reading.
It would help the reader if your paragrpahs were shortened and if you varied your sentences: "It had been a well known fact that it wasn't that I spared words lavishly. She had managed to comfort me a many a times then I used to feel embarrassed." The meaning is unclear to me. Its awkwardly structured and weighted down by unnecessary words.
"The rest I believe was perfectly engineered to satisfy scrutinizing description. But there was this that I never sought to share my heart with Maria."
Beautiful words with great potential but lacking clarity for me.
I get a sense of your talent. I know its there. I read your words and am awed by your ability to thoughtfully and intelligently choose words that could have great power and yet, its lacking clarity in the structure and mostly, its lacking the passion that should accompany such ability.
This review was meant only to be helpful. I hope my suggestions and remarks have been useful. You have the makings of something wonderful, just needs editing and rewriting and less concern for dictionary words that display intelligence and let the emotion of your descriptive words showcase your intelligence through storytelling.
The interweaving of your own words with the words of a recorded song blended very nicly.
If you wouldn't of mentioned it, I would of never known.
Well done with that. I think the whole of your poem resounded with regret and lament but also with the driving force of temptation.
There was a definite rythem and cadence that moved your words along engaging and inticing the reader on as your poem unfolded.
I'n not one to give out a perfect 5 often. But your story deserves it, and a standing ovation if it could be done.
It was beautifuly written. Flawless, with not one word or sentence unnecessarily used.
The essence and aesthetic quailty of your work made it deeply moving and poignant.
The theme and plot unfolded with grace and elegance.
The attention to the smallest detail and nuances, just lovely, from the "stagnant silence" to the "shoulders sagging a little under the weight of the day."To the rebirth within and to the agonizing realization that he really was grief-stricken and finally to the little play of hope at the end! Excellent!
I think you have captured the essence of the Beach in all its suits of wear. Your short piece was written well, lots of despcriptive language and in each instance, I was there!
It was colorful with a light-hearted tone of want and anticiaption...to add the variances of your shadow...very nice.
The only think that was missing was the taste of salt in the air. But, other than that...an enjoyable short piece than makes me long for the beach.
your story was certainly original. Can't say I've every read anything like this...it was kind of creepy...the ship had sense!
Sci-fi like!
You have the makings of a worthy story..it is interesting...but your language wasn't very good. Your sentence structure was at times, awkward and wordy.
You used repition too much and some sentences were just unclear.
The ships certainly had character..they were more developed then the protaginists.
I'd say with a few rewrites, edits and attention to more detail, your story could be "twilight zone-like."
I hope this has been helpful Write on and Peace. Kjo
Your poem has a wonderful essence to it...an aesthetic quality that is as at once stirring yet sublte.
Excellent use of metaphor...likening the snow to shyness in you as your gaze at someone you'd like to get to know better, your own flurries within as you hide.
Well done.
Your language was perfect for the overall tone and rythmn of the piece.
"hid behind my window, I gazed mesmerized. You knew."
You piled atop your ownself in flurries and gusts"
Excelelnt imagery.
Overall, great job. Each word served its purpose, clear and concise and engaging. poem on and Peace. Kjo
It has a nice contemporary feel to it. well done trying to interject Jesus' teachings in our modern day techno crazy world.
There is a overall tone of awe and respect in your piece and that came through clearly.
I think, its presentation could be better with attention to sentence structure. At times, you used a lot of words when less would be more effective.
The situation was believable. But I'd like to see more decription...a more of showing rather than telling.
The emotion is present, the setting, the tone, the theme. Just work a bit on the presntation and delivery. I hope this has been helpful! Write on and Peace. Kjo
You have the makings of a very good story. It is full of passion for what you have now and sorrow for what you could of had but didn't.
It was written fairly well but it could use a bit of editing to tighten up the sentences and correct a few of the spelling mistakes/typos.
Your story appears to be written from the heart of experience. The reader easily taps into emotions.The character development is good and the reflection was well done.
Concentrate on editing and and fixing those minor mistakes and this could be a great short. Write on and Peace. Kjo
You have a fine poem here. Your words are punctuated to match the tone of sorrow, pain and yes,even hope, for I see it peeking through valiently.
I love the stark imagery: "dance beneath the buildings draped in living vine"
"We were not meant to live like ants in seething mound"
it is at once, vivid and etheral.
Some of your language is lovely,
"let blessed flame erase record of our boundless guilt"
"when no city lights remain to dim stars timeless shine" ...mesmerizing!
The tone of your piece has a uplifiting cadence to it.
I only have one suggestion, in my humble opinion, the line that reads:"We fought and killed and died and drowned..." doesn't seem to fit with the rest of your words that were so craftly choosen, too it doesn't have that same rythmnic flow.
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