You tell a little story in your poem. As I read, I wonder, who is this lonely woman and why is her life so void?
She seeks the untangible and I sense her detachement from life.
You have nice imagery here.
"The crumbs are gone, but the taste is there
Like a broken heart beating in her mouth,
The scattered ashes of a lonely soul
Spreading like wings on an upward draft" Excellent!
I like the unintentional rythmn of this piece. Since there is no ryhmes or meter to your poem, one looks to how the words flow together as the poem unfolds.
And it works. The emphasis on certain words mixed with the contemplative tone of your poem speaks in volumns.
So well done there.
I have no suggestions for improvement. Every word seems to give credance to the word prior or the one one that follows. Well done and Good Luck. Peace. kjo
I liked your story...it was as face paced as your early morning rush to the meeting.
You gave just enough to move the story along...your details and descriptions were just enough to get your meaning across without weighty sentences or flowery descritptions. So Well done there.
I thought you incorporated the prompts very well.
Overall, the story was engaging and interesting and creative. For the most part, it was well written, though I did happen upon a couple of thoughts for you to ponder:
"bid a good morning to the security guard" Since you already introduced the reader to the SG, no need to address him again.
"As I pulled into the parking lot of my building, the pounding on my convertible reminded me of the “severe weather” forecast." I thought this sentence was bit vague and unclear.
A short story written with a lot of energy and precise language that gets your meaning across. No frills, but it worked! I liked the honesty and the tinge of humor as well.
(I went to work once with one black and one blue pump! It happens. So very believable scenario!)
Writeo n and Peace. Kjo
I love the fact that the dark tone of your poem matches exactly the haunting rythmn of you words as they unfold.
There is this forboding drum to your meter and rhyme. A lurking of deciduouness in its essence that makes the reader shudder yet desire more.
Your imagery is gothically vivid and real.
"In doorways and corners where evil can lurk
They wait with their eyes aglow"
This is creepy and yet beautiful.
For me, there is a contradiction in your poem and that too, reverberates with appeal. I never think of children and dark as synomnous, it is at once enticing and disturbing.
So if that was part of your intention, well done.
Poem on and peace. Kjo
I think you have the beginnings of a good story here. Though the theme is typical and slightly over used, your style of writing is refreshing.
The dialouge was believable and the bit about the "toenail" collection,creepy but funny! I like how you describe the boys as they "came thundering" that is a great description of a couple of young boys. Perfect!
There were a few problems. Just a few errors in awkward sentence structure. An easy fix.
"came thundering down the stairs and came into the kitchen." redundant use of words. this might work: "came thundering down the stairs into the kitchen."
"...their date nights slowly were shoved..." awkward construction. Maybe this? Slowly, their date nights were shoved..."
I found the ending a bit typical. The letter in the pocket, that's how the wife always finds out.
There was a shift in tense as well. You were remembering the letter you found in the past but talked about calling Mia with the news in the present.
I was curious about Jeffery too. Because you didn't mention his age, who his father was...maybe in the following chapters.
Overall, you writing style is fresh giving new breathe to a much used (sometimes over used)theme. I would consider looking for a different way to discover the affair. But this is just my humble opinion; it's
your story.
The few errors are easily addressed. I like the humor you have presented and in part, this is what gives new 'breathe" to your story as well as great descriptions "thundering" and "toenail" collection.
I hope this review has been helpful. Write on and Peace. Kjo
I don't know much about the "phoenix" or this genre which gives your poem its theme and meaning, but what I can do, is review and rate what I do know.
I do know that the rthymn of this piece is melodic with a deep and rich resounding tone. I loved the way your meter and rhyme rolled off my tongue as I read.
Your words were lean and used with precision to ignite meaning and arouse emotion. Well done there.
Your imagery was vivid. The "wings of feathers crimson gold," (feather's crimson?) and "beating incandescent wings" Lovely.
This poem was profound. Compelling and well written.
I love the rawness mixed with the "honey dip' truth of your words.
The imagery rich and vivid. Your words are lush and ladened with wisdom and grace. Dripping with the passion of your lust for life and love in all its pecularities. This is a beautiful poem.
I couldn't suggest anything to change or add to improve. For it is flawless, and rarely does a poem ignite such thought-provoking joy in me. It was simple and yet poignant and profound.
This is a well written tribute to the "she makes me want to live again." subject of your poem.
The tone was as alive as your words. The rythmn of your piece rings with the song in your heart as your words convey their meaning. Nicely done!
This has great imagry. "click" of her heels. "The black and white stockings", her "red vinyl shoes" I see a picture of her in my mind. Excellent job creating a vivid picture through words.
I sensed this girl has "fun" to hide her sadness.
And it was well written too. Poem on and Peace. Kjo
There is a definite sadness and longing in the tone of your poem.
too, I was able to capture the essence of your words as they unfolded across the page. For there was a haunting rythmn in the sentences and stanzas. Well done.
For the most part, your imagery was vivid. "I swam through the ice." was a bit difficult to imagine, however. Even for the deepest most profound love, I wonder if someone would swim through ice. Just a thought for you to ponder.
"Pale lampost lights pave the way
To a place I thought I knew
Darkened windows, bolted doors
All empty without you."
This was wonderful. Sights sounds and words. Nice. I thought your first, third and final stanza were strongest.
The profound meaning of your words match the tone and the rythmn of your words as I read. It really appealed to me.
Nice job overall. Poem on and Peace. Kjo
Great title, it drew me in and the fisrt sentence hooked me. "Catinventory" Welldone.
This was just another cat story...or was it? No. It was entertaning and humorous and unique.
Though the theme was typical, your writing was fresh and original and thus, your story was a pleasure to read.
"Obviously, there are places that all pet owners look that they hope not to find their missing animals" I just thought this sentence was a little wordy.
But other then that. well written. I like the easy way in which you presented to story. Just enough to keep the readers interest with a little flair thrown in for effect(especially when you wrote about their fear and their ability to hid) :)
I like the comparison of war to your writing. To use the less physcial death of words against the physical death of warfare...well done.
Your words were strikingly perfect and precise in that they gave power and emotion to your meaning.
To liken the useful tool of words to effectively cultivate thoughts on war against the backdrop of the insanity of war...again, well done.
too, there was a nice cadence to your words...that made them ring with an air of truth and a noted passion for your love of writing. Well done. Poem on and Peace. Kjo
I really liked the cadence of your poem. There was a pleasing lilt and lull of your words as your poem unfolded. Your words were both strikingly precise and pack with punch, thus the emotion of your meaning was deeply profound and poignant.
Your words were craftly chosen for direct impact.
So well done there. I saw no mistakes or errors. Excellent. But, I just have one after thought, the last two lines, in my humble opinion, were weak.
"To get out of the mess in which
It’s caught up already."
Just didn't work for me. Not only did it change the tone and flow of your poem, it weakened the message you'd so powerfully and precisely weaved throughout the rest of the poem.
Maybe its just me. But, I thought I'd mention it. I hope this review has been helpful. Poem on and Peace. Kjo
A heart-felt tribute to your mother's life and to her memory.
Well written, rich in emotion and lush in words that strike with the precision of your grief and your sorrow.
Too, there was hope alight in your words. A glimmer of gratefulness for the memories you hold so dear. A "moving" cadence was within the lines, the tone, one of honor...a sweet longing. So well done there.
Perfect for Mother's day. I wrote one for my own mother when she passed, so I know your sorrow. Poem on and Peace. Kjo
A sonnet of sonnets forsure! This is grandiose and spectacular.
Masterful and lovely. Just to pull this together so seemingly effortlessly deserves high marks, and then to write it so beautifully with all of them intimately linked and entwined, nothing less than wonderful.
I did have two questions. you wrote dept. did you mean depth? also, you wrote Quit. Did you mean Quite?
other than that, this was full of lush imagry and rich words used precisely for effect and emotion. Well done. Poem on, or Sonnet on! Peace. Kjo
Your ability to tell a story was masterful. There is little doubt in my mind your taste for this genre because of how real it seemed to me. I felt I was on the journey with Vickie.
You descriptions were vivid and as lovely as they were dark and brooding. The whithering of the snakes, had my skin crawling. Excellent use of imagry, descriptions and details!
This isn't my genre. I usually don't care for such stories. But yours was engaging and compelling and creative. It was wretched and yet elegant (if those two opposites could every be so closely linked!)
I would of rated it higher, but there were some punctuation errors. I'll mention a few: "Presently the figure...what trees were left began...ahead ..." Comma after "presently," and comma after "left."
"then turning, he looked directly..." run on sentence.
"too late..." comma after too late,
"from his own robes he pulled." comma after robes.
other then those very minor suggestions, this was a first rate, well written story. It captured my interest from the very first line.
Your ability to tell a story, excellent! Your story itself, superb! Write on and Peace. Kjo
You've addressed a difficult subject here. For the most part, I think you've captured the range of emotions of the scenes in your play. So good job there. I sensed the trouble brewing but not the final result, so excellent job at keeping your ending suspensful.
There were a few problems in grammar and mechanics. This is what I found:"talking me for granted." taking?
Cole says "it's me, baby." then Bee opens the door and says, "oh, it's you, come on in." She knows its him but says "oh it's you.'
"Cole says " I just wanted to talk to you about our problem. I know that things aren't going good right now , so can we..." A bit wordy and a run on. Consider placing a semi colon or period after "now" before "so."
"2" = two
"cole" = Cole
"Haffa" not sure what this is.
"I don't know Cole, I just don't feel..." run on sentence. Replace comma with semi or start new sentence.
"to tight"=too tight
"you are right, we..." run on.
"so it is me. Look Bee, I'm sorry." This isn't believable to me because, I think I'd be ready to kill if my spouse told me that she'd been having an affair for nine years with my best friend and the kids might not be mine. This is the only part where I'd say the emotions of the scene didn't match the words and the visual.
Over use of "that"
Need to see some raging, some stomping, some irrational behavior that matches the revelation.
rather than telling, since this is a play...some descriptions to match the scenes as they unfold would really add a nice touch.
For instance: You wrote: "you see how you can't stay on a subject." Cole was in Bee's face pointing an accusing finger at her. Something like that.
Most of the issues are puctuation. I'd certainly consider adding some descriptions too so that the reading audience can visualize the scenes in the play as they unfold.
I'm not sure I believe Lottiemae killed John. She has a lot of personality; this I noticed right away when I was introduced to her previously, but I didn't picture her as violent and why not Bee instead of John. Just some thoughts to ponder.
This wasn't as real and as clear as the kitchen conversation between Cole and Lottiemae. But it has huge potential and I see its merits.
Just needs a little tweaking here and there. And I think you will have a fine play full of drama and emotion and suspense.
I hope this has been helpful. Please don't get discouraged by the low rating. As I said, this has merit and potential, it just needs a little work. Write on and Peace. Kjo
Hi curious, per your request, I've reread "My Cat Snores." I've noticed the changes and I'm impressed. Just the few changes made a huge impact on the flow of your story. It reads easily and its entertaining.
I did find a few things I'd like to mention, very small, but I think you'd like to know,since you asked. You write: "When he deigns to stay nearby, he will only perch himself on my bed, if the covers are pulled away, and he has a clear area of the bedsheet upon which to lie." I think this sentence is a bit wordy. Try using active voice with more direct word usage. Something like this?
Throw some colorful language in that matches the personality of the cat. That darn cat will only perch himself on my bed if the covers are pulled away, and only if there is a clear spot for him to lie on. Its so amusing yet maddening. Well, you get my drift.
I thought this sentence was a bit contradictive: "...lovely, little cat, almost a kitten."
Other than that. I like what you've done. I think you've captured the essence of "johnnie" which is great!
I'd still like to see you expand on the "snoring under the bed." but that's just a personal thing.
Because its so unusual and it really captured my interest. I hope this has been useful. If I can be of further assistance, please let me know. Good luck. And write on! Peace. Kjo
hey Fashion: here's a review of "typical". Please keep in mind, that this is only my opinion and is meant only to be helpful and useful.
Don't get discouraged by the low rating. It is meant only as a tool for improvement.
First let me say that you have a lot of valid ideas and
thoughts coursing through your draft. They are ideas and thoughts that bring about important issues in today's socities and invite us to ponder.
That's a good thing. But there were few problems so let me address those.
It would greatly help your reading audience if you would seperate your paragraphs with a space.
Secondly, you start with introducing us to you definition of "typical" (good job there) but then your defintion gets lost in a series of thoughts and suggestions that didn't seem to tie into or give credance to your theme which was "typical"
So, I'd suggest editing out the "fluff" that doesn't substantiate your theme and then using stronger word choices that help deliver your meaning with striking clarity. You wrote: "When the typical girl becomes the pretty, talented, great boobs we see everyday, then what do us less than typical people do?" I'm not really sure what you are saying here.
You write that you are "bringing us on a journey" and then your draft ends," so it seems unfinished to me.
You make some vaild points but, there are too many points, too many ideas. Its better to focus on the theme and then substantiate it.
This is a powerful statement: "I am trapped in a world of beautiful girls masquerading as typical."
You might even want to begin your draft with this sentence and then give us your "ideas and points" on "typical" I also caution on beginning a story, essay, draft with A declaration of some sort. Its important to remember that you want to hook your reader with a catch phrase, or thought. The above statement I mentioned is a perfect start to your essay.
I think you just need to polish your sentences up a little. Delete unncesary words and sentences that wander away from the subject. And to clarify some of your thoughts and points.
You asked whether this has potential? Absolutely! You have the beginnings of a valid draft. Filled with contemporary thoughts and ideas. It just needs a little reworking and polishing. Don't give up yet! I like where its going.
I hope this has been helpful. Write on and Peace. Kjo
Your imagery in this short piece is nothing short of lovely.
It was engrossing and vivid and startling real. I could nearly see that bird-like massive shape of the tonuge myself. Well done.
Every word you used was used for effect. "It was a black river roaring, a dead tongue laughing, and a deep dark crack in the wounded purple sky." Simply beautifull!
And too: "The sun sank into the west and the light, which just minutes before had been proud and insistent, was slowly dying" Perfect!
This was a thrill to read because it had everything a story should have except dialouge. The theme was consistent, there was drama, imagery, effective words,
description and detail, setting, characters and even suspense.
I couldn't think of one word I'd change.
And it was flawlessly written, creative and imagainative. Write on Please! Peace. Kjo
This could be any mother's kitchen at 6:00 am on any given day talking to any of their children!
I could see them as the conversation unfolded. Which is amazing since you gave little detail and even less description of mother and son.
But, I could sense them. I could sense the mother mumbling under her breath. I picture her saying those exact words. Excellent!
There was a realness to her reation.
I did notice a few small errors: "..it like..." it's like.
"The other day I called..." The other day, I called..."
".did" period and then Capitalize Did.
"Why did she tell me that, she knows..." run on sentence. So try a question mark. ...that? She knows..
These are very minor. But I thought you might like to know.
Anyway, over all. I liked it. Your dialouge you presented was real as was the situation. With the little you've written, LottieMae is quite the character. I'd love to read more. Her final words made me chuckle.
The ending is lovely, reminiscent of the love they began with.
This is a good story full of heart-rendering passion and the sorrow of having to say good bye knowing it might be the last time.
Good job with imagery and descriptions. "piercing whistle cut through the thick air that hinted at rain." And "ominously rocked in the harbor" excelelnt.
I do have a few suggestions: "he didn't look behind him." you've already implied he was walking away..you could omit "him"
"she, at first, worried." I think this would work better in a different order: At first, she worried.
"two thirty on the next friday found her standing..."
A little awkward. Perhaps: The follow Friday at exactly two thirty she stood...
I question whether she could have fully forgotten that man she loved. You spent a good amount of time expressing the love, setting it up. I believe, over time, the love settled into her memory, maybe even got covered over with the the acitivity of life, but I'm not sure I believe that she forgo compeltely as you implied.
It's necessary to repeat: where he was going, there was no room for compassion."
other than that, very nice short story with a lot of potential. Full of passion with an etheral charm. I hope this review has been helpful. Write on and Peace. Kjo
I think your poem started out wonderfully. It is laced with your newly discovered appreciation and thus, your poem sings with this passion.
Past the middle and towards the end...your meaning begins to wane a bit. It gets lost in wordiness and even a few unclear words such :
"changing into creativity and the new
pending on how..." I don't think pending works here in the context of this senetence.
You wrote "... new dawn in the sky." In the sky is not necessary.
"glancing eye", "web of a world", Excellent imagery!
I get the gist of your poem, the theme is consistent.
The tone is ever-present and haunting. Thre are only a few minor erros that are easily addressed if you so choose. Other wise...a decent poem that resonates with passion. Poem on and Peace. Kjo
Your words are affecting. Your word usage and form is unique. As I was reading, I wanted to say no!, it doesn't work like that...and yet, it did work:
"A full sight" , "A pure connectivity", "A millions of time."
Who talks like this, I pondered as I was reading...but, then it dawned on me, that you took a chance and presented something different, in a different format and voice, and it DID work.
Your voice was fresh and uniqie. Your words full of fervor and awe. An undenying respect for the sea.
You have taken on a daunting task with your poem.
Its structure is complexe and yet, I found it refreshing because it was apart from the norm.
I was able to capture the essence of its rythmn as the words unfolded before me. There was a structured cadence to your words and it flowed easily for me. I did read it twice but only to be sure I was capturing the meaning of your words, the tone and the rythmn of your piece.
perhaps it is a bit complex but its comlexity it what gives your poem its originality and freshness.
It is vague in degrees but its ambiguity is arresting and your words are engaging.
There isn't any imagery so your audience must rely on other elements of poetry such as rythmn, tone (emotion) structure/form and flow ect. Evenstill, I think you poem has merit just for the structure itself and for the words that do unfold with precision and elegance.
I hop this review has been helpful.Poem on and Peace. Kjo
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