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501
501
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Steven Michael Jester, This is a review for Tale of a Fated Winter's Day Giesi-P

Wow, what an undertaking this is. There is so much about this Prolouge that has impressed me . God, herself, as a woman, and besides being powerful, she doesn't seem to be very merciful.
Just that alone, has intriqued me. This proluge to your story, has grand potential, but there were also many mistakes and I was left with many questions.

First let me address some of the questions I had as I was reading. Many red flags waved me away from the flow of this prolouge be cause of all the phrases in Capital leters. When ever I saw one, and there were many, I felt like I was suppose to know their meaning and their significance.

What I'm alluding to is, perhaps, rather then put them in Caps, perhaps you can highlight them with italics If you are unsure how to do that just go to Site Navigations, left side, click on site tools and then on Writing ML tags, and then on "basic tags". This will give you intructions for italics.for all the Material Plane, Seven Seal, End of Day, A New Tired, Angel of Fate, Mortal Plane, The Tide, War-Bringer, White of the Servants, Fallen, Into the Darkness, Back from the Light, MultiVerse ect.

I understand the purpose of Capitalizing God, Her and anything that refers to Her as supreme a being, but all the others were a bit disconcerting.

"If the balance is disrupted the consequences could eradicate existence." (Some excellent word usage, by the way). Comma is needed after disrupted

"God creates the Multiverse and therefore is responsible to..." "God creates the Multiverse, and therefore, is responsible for maintaining the existance of his creation."

"...words of foreign tongue to you they may be but they are Into the Darkness and Back from the Light..."
"words of foreign tongue to you they may be, but

"his flowing hair set in broad contrast to his angular face.' I was a bit confused with this image.


"Hair the color of platinum, he strode evenly towards the alter." I love the flowing platinum hair, but it has little do do with toward (no s} the alter.

"Even if God, omnipotent and omniscient as she is, is bound by prophecy to act in this accord this means even She doesn't have the free will required to escape fate." There were a few issues with this sentence. I think its safe to assume, readers know God is omini...everything, so you could omit those words, and write: Even God is bound by prophecy, which means She doesn't have the free will to escape fate."

Sometimes keeping it simple is okay.

Ailana breathed a short sigh, "I hope then that what I saw comes to past in a good light." "Ailana breathed a short sigh. "I hope then, what I saw, comes to past in a good light."

"I would'nt be so quick to know seeing as though it concerns you." This sentence is a little unclear.

"Both men wore their hair shoulder length the angel taking his into a ponytail." This is actually two sentences. Period after length. Start a new sentence with The

"The bearded man and woman of devine both wore regal..." comma after devine."

"She drew from nowhere a sword..." nowhere, two words, comma after where

"Your thinking I was powerless against an angel of my design was what caused this turn." This doesn't sound like the speech of God. Try an active more commanding voice with stronger words.

"Jaisa sadistic glee." This creeped me out. God and sadistic, Yeow... but if that was your intent, its fine, just a thought to ponder.

As prolouges go...this is very long. However, I really liked much of this. Your language and the tone and excellent character development, though, I don't think we need so much in a prolouge. I get the feeling something wonderfully dreadful is about to happen. I am intrigued by all the phrases even though they interrupted the flow and challenged my intelligence *Bigsmile*

I am impressed with your knowledge and much of your word usage. I am really enthused by Rathiel, I like his character already, he is bold and wise and yet a bit too wise for his own good. This has excellent and grand potential. I will be reading the following chapters. *Bigsmile*

I hope this has been helpful.
Though there were a lot of mistakes, I'm giving it four *stars* because of its inventiveness, its intrique and its implications.

~write on and peace~ Kjo*Flower3*
502
502
Review of Introduction  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hi Smee, This is a review for (i} The Introduction

For me, your introduction is missing some vital information. What struck me or, shocked me was the wordMagic seem to come out of no where. When I read this sentence: "The magic that followed would vary." It was a bit disconcerting because, My first impression was, what the heck is magical about war?.

You might want to consider setting the ensuing battle up with a little narration, history or background. So the reader isn't left to assume something different then what you intended.

There were a few punctuation errors.

*Check5*If only there was a way to dent their numbers they might be forced into making a mistake."
This is actually two full sentences. A period after numbers and begin a new sentence with they.

*Check3*" The lieutenant rifled through some papers, plucked out an omiously large section and scanned it quickly." Need a comma after section."

*Check5*"Nothing he had tried had managed to injure one of the images." a bit weighed down by had It might read better like this "Nothing he tried managed to injure one of the images."

*Star* The battle with "magical forces" has piqued my interest. And so you did accomplished part of what you intended in "The Introduction" However, the one sentence I mentioned earlier made it seem like you were refering to the magic of war rather than your foe or the enemy you were fighting.

I think once you clear the confusion up, and attend to the few errors, the "Introduction" to your story will leave fewer questions in the reader's mind.

*Star* I do see the beginning of a theme unfolding, a plot. You have some wonderful dialouge and the setting is pictured in my mind. And some great word usage. So well done there.

*Star* I'll leave you with this one thought to ponder. In my mind, when I think of an introduction, I think background, history, a bare explanation of just enough information. There is a balance to consider. However, your introduction reads more like the intoduction of a first chapter.

I Hope this has been helpful I look forward to reading on.

~write on and peace~ Kjo*Flower3*
503
503
Rated: E | (4.5)
the winklett has writing work, this is a review for Vaccuming In The Dark

*Note1* This is a light-hearted, easy to read and entertaining short story.

*Note4* It unfolded at a nice pace with wit and whimsy.

*Note1*Great active voice and precise word usage for the pennacle effect.

*Star*Excellently Written. I have only one Suggestion. A comma perhaps, after the day in the following sentence. "To this day I can make..."

*Star*I know that dance. I've done it a few times myself. *Bigsmile* On and Off. The light switch goes up and then down. During the day, I like Natural light, at night, I like dim light or candlelight. So, I know that dance too.

*Star* This was an delightful read. Thanks for the chuckles.*Delight*

family and friends say to me , girl it's not natural to like the dark...I always respond, what I see in the bright light of day, scares me more than shilouettes and shadows cast by the dusk of night. That's my story and Im sticking to it. *Laugh*

Thanks for sharing your story. I enjoyed it immensely.


~write on and peace~ Kjo*Flower3*
504
504
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hi Arwachan, This is a review for But Then He Was Gone

Your story has potential. The theme/plot is good. You've got the material but it needs rewritting and polishing.

*Star* The character in your short in intriguing, and I realize the setting is aMental Hospital , evenstill, much of the plot didn't make sense to me. *Confused*

*Note4*Contents/Mechanics/Errors*Note4*

*Bullet* This is a short story of many contradictions. And In this, lies most of the issues with your story.

*Bullet*It's just not believable even though she is a menatal patient. Too many inconsistencies igniting manyunaswered questions.

*Bullet*You wrote "...lay down under a tree" This begins the contradictions because if she is laying down how was she able to see so much around her? If this was all imaginary visions and thoughts racing through her mind It would be believable. But you didn't make that clear.

*Bullet*"flat grass was nice and warm...the grass felt fresh and wet." Here again, a contradiction it seems, I can't picture grass being warm and wet unless it had just stopped raining hot water. *Bigsmile* Wouldn't that be sweet?

*Bullet*"Hair felt nice and soft but cold as ice." These images are a contradiction in my mind. "Nice and soft," I think plush, ice is cold and solid. Unless she had on an helmet *Laugh*

*Bullet* "you spoted a man by the bridge" "I knew I was blushing, so I giggled. His far-fetched smile made me feel as though I have known..." If you were lying down, how did you see him smile from a distance? How did you see his "beautiful face" and how did you accomplish "starring deeply into those incredible eyes?" from a lying down position at a distance? I'm sorry, but its inconceivable to me unless all this is happening in her own mind But you need to let the reader know. *Bigsmile*
*Bullet* "but bang! I felt something large forcing me to the ground." If I was hit by a truck, I'd feel more than a bang. Need emotion here. need imagery here. Help it come alive for the reader. *Smile*

*Bullet*"I realized that some cold, red liquid increased faster than anything around my body." blood I'm assuming? This is a bit unclear. How did it increase? Was it gusing? was it seeping? was it a red river of blood oozing? Claify. and again, imagery, emotion, action. *Bigsmile*

*Bullet* "all with a somehow similar expression to which of the driver's" One driver as portrayed earlier or more? And this sentence is a bit mucked up. It's grammatically incorrect. It's incomplete.

*Bullet* "I stared at it ignoring the fact that my life had come to an end. My heart was beating so fast a couple of minutes ago but now it had stopped." This is a bit far-fetched A contradiction because your life came to an end and yet, you stared at it?

*Star* I get the impression that you meant all of this to happen in her mind...a vision, a dream...{b] it would certainly make more sense, if it were a dream. There is grand potential with this short. But, as it stands now, there are too inconsistencies and contradictions . Your story needs polishing and a little rewritting.

*Bullet* there were a few punctuation errors too, but I didn't mention them, because by now, I'm sure you'd rather me just go away.*Bigsmile* Really
though, you're off to a good start. I don't mean to be critical or harsh, just helpful.

*Star* There is an innocence and sweetness to you character. I like that! She is scattered, and its endearing. Build on that. It'll be easy to make this a dream, if that was your intention. *Delight*

I hope this has been helpful

~write on and peace~kjo *Flower3*
505
505
Review of A Deadly Passion  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi silent thinker This is a review for Deadly Passions

*Note1* What I like *Note1*

*Bullet*The Strength of Jennifer and her wisdom beyond her years. Her refusal to marry Kevin and pursue her career probably saved her life.

*Bullet* I like the fact that Kevin's evil ways weren't revealed until necessary. I got the feeling the man was fine too I want to enjoy his "fineness" as long as I could. *Bigsmile*

*Bullet* This story has potential. It just needs a bit of polishing so it can shine

*Note4* Errors and Suggestions *Note4*

"while at the movies one weekend Kevin" comma after weekend

"why we just get married." missing a word

"burgundy Cadilliac Escalade truck." wow! this is an example of too much description. *Bigsmile* You could delet truck .

"Upon arriving downtown she sat." comma after downtown

"but to her he was still fine." comma after her

"ran in the den towards Kevin Just..." period between Kevin and Just.

"Her Tears were for the life with him that she was happy she never had." Your final sentence needs to be stronger. It's a bit wordy.

*Star* You've spaned many years in this short story and that's good. The transitions just need to be cleared up a bit. Polish your sentences and the mechanics of writing. And this story will shine. It has grand potential and a lot of appeal.

*Star* you had pretty decent character development but your descriptions were a bit ordinary...help their personalitites and features come alive in our mind with stronger imagry in active voice.

~write on and peace~ Kjo *Flower3*
506
506
Review of Rockabee  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Basilides, this is a review for Rockabee

*Note1* What I liked and Overall Comments *Note1*

*Star* A tale within a tale {/b{ very nicely done.

*Star* Whimsical and creative. Very inventive and original

*Star* Excellent imagery and descriptiveness.

*Star*Anengaging and compellingread.

*Star* the streams of consciousness and the praise in your supplicationswere poignant.

*Note4*Suggestions and Errors *Note4*

*Note*"and now that you can see His work in me it distresses you very much." comma after me

*Note* "All along the way the citizens.." comma after way.

*Note* "I suppose that this was the end of Vee, and that my vision....but the scene blurred...and it seemed to me that my vision...up-side down so that the gorge."
Grammatically there is nothing wrong with the sentence.

However, its poignancy is weighed down by the use of "that" I reread the paragrpah again and again, and you could remove every that so it reads more active and powerful. Often time "that' is a useless word when its over used.

"I supposed this was the end of Vee, and my vision would now come to an end. But the scene blurred with my tears, and it seemed to me my vision plunged beneath the rock of the gorge and out the other side, then turned upside-down so the gorge was not a gorge, but a mountain." Just a suggestions

*Star* these errors are minor and easily addressed if you so choose.

*Star* other wise, a wonderful tale within a tale. Written passionatley with supplication and with whimsy and creativity. Well done.

~write on and peace~ Kjo*Flower3*
507
507
Review of ~Black Love~  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Stained, In review of Black Love
my first impression was how gloomy and dark this poem is. Then I read it again. *Bigsmile* Surprise!

*Note1* Surprise, because this is poem of contradictionsnot in a bad sense. You really give black love light and life which is a contradiction, in itself. The suggestion that you crave "darkness" yet desire "love"which brings joy and light in {sometimes the dark too} is a game of "wordplay". So this ends being thought-provoking.

*Note4*I do have a couple of Suggestions*Note4*

*Note*"fullfiliment" should be fullfillment

*Note*The third line of first stanza...its a bit wordy. Perhaps I no longer desire your pleasing light against my skin ...something like that.


*Note* I think a comma is needed after "skin"?

*Note* though I can not see you clearly in the darkness we share again, a bit wordy...you could remove clearly without much impact.

*Note1* Overall, this "love" is in darkness and light, it is melacholy and joyous in its tone. A contradiction that is appealing and thought-provoking.

I hope this has been helpful.

~poem on and peace~Kjo *Flower3*
508
508
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Adam. After reading your story. "Unwanted Passenger" I will never judge a "book by its cover" Yeow. *Bigsmile*

*Star* This was an excellent read. Engaging with nail-biting suspense, or should I say...knife picking suspense. *Laugh*

*Note4* I like how you remind us that "looks can be deceiving" Who woulda thunk that the nice dressed business man with wads of benies would be more disturbed then a knife-picking, long-haired, tattoed-covered, chain smokin' joker. *Bigsmile*

*Star* I didn't see any errors and I have no suggestions*Star*

*Note*:blue} You story had elements of suspense,and the story unfolded with wit and lots of compelling active language and introspection within the main character. Nice!

*Note* Great Lesson weaved throughout with word usage to match. *Note*

~write on and peace~Kjo *Flower3*
509
509
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi kamiya. This is a review of "When Darkness Turns to Light."

*Note4* What I liked *Note4*

This story had got great Active Voice and Action

It's Original and Inventive with some unique ideas and displays pretty good "creative writing skills" minus the punctuation errors.

*Note4* Areas needing work/mechanics of writing

*Note* "at the point of contant the beast..." comma after 'contact"

*Note*"Before I could question this feat I had" comma after "feat"

*Note* "At the time I lived.." comma after "time"

*Note*"By now the doors were locked to the place so I..." comma after "place"

*Note* "while I fell asleeep I pondered.." comma after "asleep"

*Note*"Later on that night the beast" comma after "night"

*Note* "The guards blocked his only exit but, not for long." I think the comma should be after "exit"

*Note* "The beast's eyes shined a bright red again that signifying his anger." unclear. This might work better if you were to remove "that"

*Note* "After a minute I figured that I might..." comma after "minute" and omit "that"

*Star* Theme/Plot/Character development*Star*

*Note1*There was a bit of confusion for me. In the beginning you went right into action and the action pretty much ensued from then on. And that's a good element to maintain, however, there was very little character development. Who is the beast, why did he murder the king's family. Who is Mora. You gave a little backgound, but not enough. You didn't really disclose the purpose or develop a why.

*Note1* There was a beginning and somewhat of an end...but the rest is a bit of a blur. The reader needs more background. To just thrust characters in a battle and not give some specifics,leaves us with too many questions.

*Star* I think you have great beginnings here. Excellent Potential. I think it just needs more developing. There has got to be a reason, a theme and plot. As of yet, its just hovering about.

*Star*There are some intriguing ideas in you story. "angel steel, elements of wind power, elemental hammar. What are these weapons...some insight and history would help.

*Note1* I hope this has been helpful *Note1*

~write on and peace~kjo*Flower3*
510
510
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hi ChickenPatty, This is a review for "Call it a Christmas Miracle" I like your handle *Bigsmile*

The Plot and Theme of this story is Endearing

*Note* Some Nice Action

*Note* Pretty good character development

*Star*There are many, many errors which made it difficult to read.

*Note1*Grammar and Mechanics*Note1*

*Note* Sometimes, in our anxiousness to finish a story and get reviews, we submit a story before its ready. This is one of those cases.

*Note*This needs some serious proofreading especially with punctuation. If you can Think,
then I know you can catch a lot of the errors before you submit for review. These are basic writing errors.
I'm not trying to be harsh. sorry.*Bigsmile*just helpful.

*Star* "But contrary to Mr. Liang's expectation his..." comma after expectation.

*Note* "...full.And" indent with space

*Star*"And so to take out his frustration..." comma after 'so" comma after "frustration"


*Note*"Moku looked Liang's face..." Missing a word

*Star*"scared he turned to Kai" comma after "scared" period after "Kai"

*Note* "if you can't handle it whyd' you use it.."
"why'd"

*Star*"his glance rivited upon" Missing something here. And the end of a sentences needs a "period."

*Note*"...moku to make a move he rushed out." comma after "move"

*Star* "...straightened his own, the nerve of that kid what a coward." comma splice and run on. period after "own" period after "kid"

*Note* "Hey boss wait' up, Maku somehow managed to flung him inside the cab." change in tense,"use "fling" "period" after "up"

*Star* "Fire Chief, thats a fire chief?" whose saying this? and it should be "that's", and it's a little unclear.

*Note*"kai spaok impatiently, hesitantly, they"
"spoke" "imaptiently and hesitantly" a contradiction. period after "impatiently"

*Star*"A strong light from the chopper shone over the girl, she was..." comma splice/runon. Needs a period after "girl"

*Check1* There was some confusion for me from the cab to the building to reach the girl.*Confused*

*Star*This was a fantastic sentence.''Moku, if you ask me one more silly question I'll throw you out of the cab'' {other then the punctuation error}
Moku had nothing more to ask." *Laugh*

*Note*I like the Plot of this story. The heroic efforts of Kai are wonderful!*Bigsmile*

*Star* Formatting *Star*

*Note* The presentation of your story will be greatly enhanced by spaces between paragraphs.

*Note* This has potential but its raw right now because of the numerous errors. Once those are cleaned up, you address the formatting, and clear up the confusion from the "cab" to the "top' of the building" this will be a wonderful story.*Bigsmile*

I hope this has been helpful. I'd gladly review again, once the errors are addressed if'd you like me too.

~write on and peace~ Kjo*Flower3*
511
511
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Walkinbird. This is a review for "What Greets You In The Dark Eats Light" {e:bigsmile"

Excellent Title by the way. Very Intriquing

*Note* This is a sci-fi-like horror short. Set in a future time when over popualtion and global warming has over taken Earth. Great concept and I like the build up to suspense. well done.

*Note* I thought it was well written and engaging. Mildly suspensful and a bit creepy. Thanks a lot! Great, now I'll be thinking about what's under my bed in the dark of night. yeow! *Laugh*

{b) What I didn't like

*Star* The only area when the flow was a bit choppy was with the voice of the child. I had difficulty deciphering his babble. I realize he's only three. But it was a tad bit difficult to read. Just a thought for you to ponder.

{e:note} Otherwise, a good read, great title, excellent theme and subject and creepy monster in the dark that eats light. Yeow!

~write on and peace~ Kjo*Flower3*
512
512
Review of We All Remember  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi P W Wilcoxs. This is a review for "We All Remember." Nothing that comes to my mind insights emotion and passion and anger more than 9/11. It is the one incident in the 21 century of America that we hold dear and cringe away from. And we will never forget.

*Note* Your poem of the fatefull day, incites us to remember not with just pain, but with angst and anger. You write of the lies and the deciet of our government.

*Note* You poem flows at a great pace. it has a natural rhythm that helps to ignite in the reader the anger and questions in the tone of this poem.

*Note* The one line that stands out for me is "the President grins" Wow, that's a loaded statement. If you haven't recieved vehement comments yet, you just might. What you trying to do "wangle" wrath *Bigsmile*

*Star* I saw no obvious errors and have no suggestions.*Star*

*Note*For those Bush adminstration lover's who comment on this, I hope you armour is thick! *Bigsmile*

*Note* I will throw my two cent's in...I think the tragic and unfortunate terrorist attact of 9/11 was inevitable regardless of who was President, be it Ghandi, Mother Teresa, Hitler,Mandela or Bush. it was a testament to our political greed and power thirst. Not that I support him, just my, umm opinion. Yeow! Don't bite me. *Bigsmile*

{e:note{ I'm just having fun with you. I did like your poem. It was thought-provoking and outrageously packed with zeal. Well done.

~poem on and Peace~Kjo {e:flower3}
513
513
Review of Quick-Draw Woody  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
(c:violet} Hi Sharon

This is a review for "Woody" Kids! man that boy needs a whupping, A whacking up side the head! *Bigsmile*

*Note* Seriously though, I thought this was a good read. The opening sentence was engaging. Ignited my interest to read further. So well done. I think you did a great job of slowly (but not too slow)revealing the events.

*Note*There wasn't a lot of suspense because you disclosed the theme in the beginning, however, I still felt you told a good tale.

*Star* I liked all the little nuances of this story that gave it life and breath...the walking through swamp with tennis shoes, the alligators and mocassins which could of added to the drama.

*Note* The assembly of odd characters, especially Woody, whose bulk defies his name. It was rather comical to picture them all truding along and then mindlessly shooting a tin! Boys, will be boys!*Bigsmile*

*Star* I saw no errors and I have no suggestions *Star* Nice!

*Note* Of course you had a flat tire, and had to go to a different hospital another few hours away...Murphy wouldn't have it any other way...*Laugh*

~write on and peace~ Kjo *Flower3*
514
514
Review of For A Genius...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
{c;blue} Potus Emeritus this is a review for "For a Genius"

*Note1* I thought this was well written. It was engaging and tragic with an unexpected twist to the end. Nice job. *Wink*

*Star* I think you had excellent character development for such a short piece. A genius in his own mind who learns the true meaning of life and its lessons. At the expense of someone else Wow! *Shock*

*Note1* Every word written was choosen for clarity and for effect. Precise and lean, no fluffy words here*Bigsmile*

*Star* Just some Thoughts and Comments

*Note* Your character was not loveable by any means.

*Note* evenstill, this doesn't mean anyone should cheer his bad luck or consider the "what goes around comes around...karma thing.

*Note* It was just an accident in which he was careless and negligent and now doubly sorry. Hope he had some darn good insurance...an Umbrella Policy. *Bigsmile*Sorry, this isn't a joking matter*Laugh*

*Note* While your character was arrogant and his ego leaning towards maniac...he had redeeming qualitites. Ask him, he'll tell ya in a list as long as his arm.(e:bigsmile} Just having a little fun here.

*Star* This was a fantastic story, I enjoyed the read. It was sad and thought-provoking and poignant in its underlining deeper meaning. Excellent!

*Note* all death is tragic to some degree, but I'd say it sure sucks to be... {hey, I just realized, you didn't give your character a name, wow, now that's a statement!} *Laugh*

~write on and Peace~ Kjo*Flower3*
515
515
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Sendinthe Clown. this is a review of Double-dog Dare Ya. How on Earth did you manage to write that dialect so discernable to the reader, is a mystery to me. *Bigsmile* Great job.

But you sure nuf did. Shiver me timbers cause it was a real good one too. I likes how you weaved this little gem of a story with "back country" humor and ignorance.*Laugh*

*Note1* Seriously though. I thought this story was creative and inventive and darn right freaky. Putting to mind..."Deliverance" kind of folk but worse. Yeow! *Bigsmile*

As far as I can tell, no obvious errors and I have no suggestions.

*Star* I like the question you leave in the readers mind to ponder.*Star*

Was it yellafella' schwinn tire marks..

*Note* I think this was a good read. The dialect alone must of been a challenge.*Note*

~write on and peace~ Kjo*Flower3*
516
516
Review of SOTD P 1-5 EDITED  
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hi TrueNatureCalling, this is a review of STOD P 1-5.

*Note1* I like the concept of this story.

*Note* I think it has potential.

*Note4* Theme/plot A sci-fi horror-like affliction that once bitten you turn into a prolific canabalistic super-strong killer. Wow, that's a mouthfull *Bigsmile*

*Note1* Grammar/Mechanics *Note1*

*Note* There are a lot of mistakes. Your story is overly inudated with misspellings, punctuation errors. I will list some of them. You might want to proofread.

*Note* "lound banging at the door. He ran to the door" lound, loud. repitive use of door.

*Note*"austin shouts' Austin shouts. "Officer, all i did" I, "darrens room" "Darren's room" dude, im so tired." I'm.

*Note* "God speed" a cliche

*Note* "im going weather you come or not" I'm , whether.

*Note* "were nowere to be seen" "were no where"

*Note*"scopeing" "scoping," "maintance" "maintenance,
"strugled" "struggled," "assailen" *Bigsmile*do you mean assailent? "shodily" shodly, "throught" through or thought? "hadnt" hadn't, "ill find" i'll

*Note* "Tzeitel was a beautiful, and yet battle torn." Missing something

*Note* Some more character development is needed. I really don't know anything about Darren. It looks like he's the heroic protagonist for this story.

*Star* I think, for its genre, it is creative and inventive...that is if you like blood, gore, canabalism, a whoe twon paralyzed by some rabid biting monster...Yeow *Bigsmile*

*Star* Dude, this has potential and grand possibilities...do some basic editing and proofreading and use spellcheck before posting a story. Presentation is imporatant. *Cool*

*Note* I hope this has been helpful *Note*

~write on and peace kjo*Flower3*
517
517
Review of Minister?  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hey GoForTheGold are you messing with us? Trying to confuse and confound with all this nonesense of microwaving a baby, goodness, so you could have a platform, a podium to spread the gospel...well you ought to be ashamed...ha,ha,hee,hee
*Bigsmile* Got you!

*Note1* I don't know what to think of what you wrote. *Note1*

*Star*But it was good.*Laugh* You jokester. No, really though. I almost believed the story. I mean it could be possible, but the baby would have to be small unless it was a commercial size microwave. Yeow!

*Star* Then I noticed it was a contest submission for the "lamest excuse ever contest" You got me good. I'm just too guilible.*Confused* What this says then, is your writing is pretty convincing, so well done.*Bigsmile*

*Star* No obvious errors and I have no suggestions.

*Star* Even though you used humor as a way to convey this story...I think the deeper meaning is profound and serious. And I do admire the way in which you never lost focus of your beliefs. Obviously, they are strong and unwavering.

"Prowling around like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour."

*Note* That particular line in the bible has always keep me on the straight and narrow path...its chilling.

*Note* "by default Satan's is your daddy." Yeow
now that is a frightening thought...*Worry* Excuse me while I commence to praying...(I'm gonna have scars on my knees)

*Star*Before I go...just out of curiosity, just what setting on the microwave *Bigsmile*

~write on and Peace~Kjo *Flower3*
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Review of There!  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi sleeplycolourededges!

This poem is certainly an experimentation of form. But I liked it. It was presented uniquely and I felt the form added to its "wondering" and "questioning" tone.

Although there was little direct rhyme in your poem, I felt the words had a nice movement and flow, partly due to its form. nice job.

*Star* I like the direction you gave with your form and your words. It didn't meander aimlessly *Star*


In an indirect way, you seemed to sum up the age old question of "would of, should of, could of" *Bigsmile* with that constant yet forgetable itch. Nice! *Smile*

*Note*I hope this has been helpful.*Note*

~poem on and peace~ Kjo *Flower3*
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Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello Blackout, This is a review of your poem "I, the armless, legless mute"

*Note* This was a "despiring" poem. Laddened with anguish and a deep sense of "distraught" Good job with ingniting emotion with tone.*Bigsmile*

*Note* Too, your poem encompasses the depth of this despair. The "uselessness" of being without limb and without voice. I sense the "crying out" and there seems to be little or no hope.

*Note* Nice visual with "the big finger points at you" more please! Also, "sitting in the little brown chair" again, nice visual. I find it interesting that you chose the color brown.

*Note1* What I Didn't like *Note1*

"Twasn't me alone, but my life had use.
If it didn't, then I could prevent no pain."

*Note*Those two lines didn't work for me. They were
too vague and unclear.

*Note* The last stanza "I, the armless legless mute"

Its best to be consistent. If you used punctuation
in the title and first line of first stanza, you might want to keep the consistency.

*Star* those are small and minor *Star*

*brown* Great depth of emotion. There wasn't a lot of imagery. And no rhymes. But there was a bit of indirect rhythm which matched the anguish note in the tone.

I hope this has been helpful.

~poem on and peace~ Kjo *Flower3*
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Rated: E | (4.0)
*indigo* Hi Ranjan. This is a review of your story "The Resolution"

*Star* What I liked *Star*

*Check3* Great descriptions of the "meeting" I could see them sitting on the carpet with the light of the oil lamp burning. Excellent!

*Check5* Great descriptions of the four men and one woman. I visualized them with detailed descriptions like "high aquiline nose reddened " "His sensual lips, rosy with the juice of the betel-leaf that he had been chewing" Nice! *Bigsmile*

*Check3* Nana ripping apart the flower with her teeth. Strange yet wonderful. Telling and curious.*Delight*

What didn't Work

*Note* A few puntuation errors *Note*

*Check3* "In my opinion we should" Comma
after "opinion.

*Check5* "taking this cue the." comma after "cue"

*Note* A couple Unclear/Wordy Sentences *Note*

"The four persons seated on the carpet laid out neatly in the corner of the dimly lit hall were engrossed in some serious discussion when an usher came in to announce the new arrival, " Persons" is plurual "people" will suffice here.

I think this sentence is a bit wordy. You say in so much what could be clearer in less. "Sitting on the carpet in the corner of the dimly lit hall, were four men engrossed in serious discussion when" Something like that.

"The others were quick on their toes as a rather stout, yet not too stout, young lady draped in plain white muslin, which emphasized her remarkably fine figure, entered the hall. Looking at her gait, one could very well imagine that she was quite comfortable with the dress drawn about her in the manly fashion."


This is a daunting sentence

"Is she or isn't she stout? Her dress was drwan about her in manly fashion yet, it emphasized her figure? Seems a bit of a contradiction.

*Star* I love the cultural use of language in your story. I found it rich and languid and suprisingly easy to adjust to. *Bigsmile*

*Star* Other than the minor errors mentioned above, this is a fine story. Engaging and creative. great use of descriptions. *Bigsmile*

*Note4*I hope this has been helpful*Note4*

~write on and peace~ kjo*Flower3*
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Review of The Last Dragon  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hi Kaya Poe.

This is a short story of how a few dragons got stuck on the Loche Ness. If your tag, you said "the Lock Ness Monster gets a different face lift."

This was inventive and imaginative. There was a sweetness about your tale that edged me on.*Delight*

However, Kaya, there were many mistakes and I found this story to be weakened by the over use of the word "had" You wrote loche ness had, had screamed, hed left, had set, they had, had lived...well, you get my point. It may work if this were a longer piece.

Words like "had", that, the, and, but,very, are common words which really don't offer much to a sentence. often times they weigh a sentence down. I also realize, they are needed sometimes. I think it weakens your sentences when you rely on them. Think of "had" as a passive/past-tense word. Then you might not rely on it so much.

Here are a few other errors I ran across: No one ever guessed that what they were hearing..." omit "that"
"by the time she was hatched her..." comma after hatched.

"long ago her kind had lived in the sea." long ago her kind lived in the sea.
"long ago" a cliche, I know you have a better way to say this. *Bigsmile*
"Being very old..." comma after old.

"as they napped..." comma after napped

"...in just a few moments..." comma after "moments the loche had..." remove 'had"

"first they had tried to find..." first they tried to find.

"to far" too far

These were just the few I noticed. I know how difficult it is to "distance" yourself from your own writing and be critical. These few errors can be easily addressed with editing and rewriting. *Bigsmile*

This little tale has huge potential; it just needs some more attention. Your writing could be greatly polished and enchanced by trying to stick to active voice. It gives life to your words as does present tense if it's applicable.

I think you have the beginnings of a story here. Right now there are far too many mistakes most are in punctuation and the oveuse of common words such as "had" and 'that" which weaken your story.

this of course, is just my opinion. I mean only to be helpful.

Also, I was waiting for the 'facelift" you previewed, but I didn't get the sense of what the "facelift" was. I was let down a bit. I was hoping for a twist to this dragon tale *Confused*

*Star* This does has potential! It's creative with a delightful tone*Star*

~write on and peace~Kjo*Flower3*
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Review of Spot vs Paws  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
This is one of those stories that make you wanna go Hhhmmm. It wasn't awful but it wasn't fantastic either. It was, well different. *Bigsmile*


*Note* What I liked

*Check5* It was certainly original. *Laugh*

*Check3* It was inventive and creative. *Delight*

*Note* Rather typical dog with a typical name and a typical job with a not-so typical wife who had 48 pups Yeow! *Shock* gets the opportunity to become a Hero and save not just the day but Hawaii. *Bigsmile*


It was quirky but I liked it. It was comical. A little wit to wash down the dry. *Laugh*


Errors:

There were a few errors, but they didn't come about until toward the end. As if you were getting tired and was rushing through.

*Note* It was all thanks you three. missing a word

*Note* "spot ripped of the blanket' off?

*Note*"looks likes its down to you." like it's

*Note* Im gonna return with the diamonds. I'm

*Note* boat is out of gaz. gas

*Note* spot was minutes away from getting crushed in the recking. wrecking.

This is an interesting piece. I like it because its different. There are a few problems but they're easily addressed and needs only a little polishing and editing. *Bigsmile*


"Spot" clean a little so "Spot" can shine! *Bigsmile*

~write on and peace~ kjo *Flower3*
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
hey Silverfeathers.

Your "Reluctant Escort" story was great. It was engaging and compelling. Awesome introduction.

So far a theme/plot has been revealed. Good character development and nice usage of the language. Precise and lean.

The ending is also a transition for ensuing chapters. And a new character has been develpoped, the son. So interest has been incited.

Grammar/Typos and Errors:

*Check5* "dust motes" ? do you mean mytes?
(e:check3} "other tomes scattered on..." tones?
*Check5* since the binding isn't necessarily water, you might want to rephrase "water dripping from his hair" to liguid? Or is binding water? Just curious.

Overall, great beginning. I look forward to reading more.

~write on and Peace~ Kjo(e:flower3}
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Belle.
This is a story about a soccer camp and Jackson, the main character just might be in for a surprise. *Shock*

*Note* Good introductory sentence.

*Note* strong character development unfolding

*Note* Theme has been revealed.

*Note* The unfolding of twist thus some suspense ensuing.

Typos/Errors

*Check3* "Without Steve around Jackson..." comma after "around"

*Check5* "overuse of "around" in the above mentioned sentence.

*Check3* "as the music winded down Jackson sat down."
comma after "down"

*Check5* "overuse of "down" in same sentence.

These are minor and are easily addressed

*Star* So far so good. I look forward to the additional chapters. *Star*

I hope this has been helpful. *Bigsmile*

~write on and Peace~ Kjo*Flower3*
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Review of Catch Of The Day  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Ok, that's it. No more Fishing for me! Yeow! *Worry*

This a great little story...and it's got more to say than the "big fish that got away" *Laugh*

*Note1* *bold* What I liked {/b}

*Check3* All the nuances that make this charcater likeable and three dimensional. For example:

*Note* like his thoughts: "Damn! he hated being an old fart. And: *Bigsmile*

*Note* took him longer to get a good piss going than it did to boil and egg. *Laugh*

*Check5* Good use of setting and action.

*Note4* Typos/Errors

*Note* "sighing to himself..." comma after himself

*Note* "not so sober side he" comma after 'side

*Note*"shrugging off the unease he..." comma after "unease"

{e;note} "complete waste of time he did" comma after "time"

*Note* "Part of Clarence knew that what was happening was unbleivable." a bit wordy. Perhaps this?
"Clarence knew this was unbelievable Or What was happening was unbeleivable to Clarence.


*Star* Overall, a simple little horror story laced with a little humor that's big on appeal. *Star*

Minus the few punctuation errors and the wordy sentences, this is a wonderful story. Witty and charming and creepy! Yeow! {e:schock)

The ending was a cmplete surprise. Great job with suspense and twist! {e:delight}

~write on and Peace~ Kjo *Flower3*
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