You paint a vivid picture of this goose taking a bite out of your thigh. . I didn't want to laugh, but alas, I thought it pretty humorous. Sorry!
Whether you intended it to be so or not, it does have a comic undertone and it is lighthearted and playful.
The rhymes are decent and I like the acbd rhyme scheme. It gives it a little cadence...its only little ditty that is kind of a "sing song" but it worked for this particualr poem. This isn't profound or poignant but it is whimsical and comical and that's always a plus!
I saw no obvious errors and I have no suggestions. Great use of imagery. Now cook that goose. So he won't be after me when I go a fishing!
"A heartbeat Away" nice soothing and tender story. great title. Though the suject/theme isn't original it was approached with a uniqueness that was refreshing.
great descriptions and details of the "moment" and nice use of all senses. I especially liked: "A cool ribbon of ocean wind slipped in under the half open window sash to whisper over her exposed skin and she shivered,"
Error/typos:
"the thought was alternately thrilling and terryifying to her." delet "to her"
I was unsure about the "meaning" of the ending. This is not an ERROR. Just a question in my mind.
Overall. This was a sweet story., Well written. The build up to the "moment" was tastefully written. Erotic and yet tender. The ending left me wondering a bit and perhaps that was your intent?
Hi Brad. Well I don't read too many stories of this genre, but I thought, what the heck, I'll give it a try. And you know what? I was pleasantly surprised.
What I liked:
Excellently developed characters. Aleksander is a strong formidible protagonist who seems to have a "sensitive' side.
The revealing of the theme/plot not too soon in the story and with just enough intrigue to keep the reader interested.
Very well written minus a few typos/errors I'll list in a minute. For the most part, excellent word usage, precise and lean.
A compelling short that every one could enjoy. Nice pace. Smooth flow. Drama, action and suspense all to ensue. Well done.
Dislikes: {e:bold{None{/b} Errors/Typos:
"Miles long thoughts" no plural needed on "mile"
"In the pursuit of knowledge" comma after knowledge
"Suddenly filled the desire to fulfill..." missing "with?" and maybe consider changing filled or fulfilled?
"...stepped inside. The place was a marvel inside." one too many "insides"
"He notice Arna again as well." delet "as well"
I think this is intriguing and engaging. I liked it! Thanks for suggesting this.
Very intriguing jrdnjones. Who would of thought...a talking dictionary! Well actually, one that spews forth its words in sentence format but through the voices of others. Wow. That's pretty cool.
You seem to have a nice command of the English language. So much more capacity then I had, way back when, I was your age. lol!
"towards the window and through, downwards out of sight." I thought this was a bit rough. Perhaps
through the window and out of sight? We don't always have to log every movment, action or thought. its ok to allow the readers to do thinking on their own. otherwise, this was well written and inventive.
Hi Cheryl. Thanks for sharing your article with me. It was informative and gets down to the "nitty gritty" of what FMG really is and how horrific of a practice it is.
I applaud you on your courage to write on the subject and the other themes in your artice. It was written well except for on itsy mistake "On our ow shores." missing a little letter.
I think, overall, this is a powerful article. And yet, it's not as persuasive as it could be because you leave the inception of "FMG" even though you "express you are taking it further" and changing directions in themes, you end up doing an "inservice" to FMG by comparing it to the falterings of our own sexual indifferences and inadequaces. You make a pretty powerful assertion that takes the definition of "FMG" and likens it to "mental and physical alteration" of women in general from masturbation to lack of inhibitions in sexual matters. yet, I don't see the connection.
While many of your porposed statements are in fact "truth" which could be an article on its own in its own right, I don't see the relationship to FMG. Because of its physical cruelity, its tradition, its overall effects not to mention just the lack of sanitary devices used to mutilate as well as the onoging mental and physcial damage--just the terror alone it ignites.
I think your article is an exposition of the importance of encouraging masturbation for healthy sexual behavior.
However, I do agree with your overall statements. We have a long ways to go. And "women" around the world still are abused in many ways which has a lasting affect on our self-worth and our spirits. its so shameful.
Thank you for enlightning me. This was thought-provoking. Though, I can't say, I agree whole-heartedly.
I love the mild humor in this little gem of a story.
"Golf", what's it all about! My sentiments exactly.
Your explots of the gold ball are much like mine would be, Yeow..but who cares...I don't have the nclination or the drive to chase a small white ball across an expansion of green!
I love the imagery in this story. I could visual your "putting stance' and girlfriend, its not good" ha, just joking.
This is a little story with huge "appeal" The imagery is great, the humor is refreshing.
This has great imagery. I love haiku because it challenges us in so many areas. We have syllable restrictions...which you've stayed consistent with.
It usually demands vivid imagery or strong sensory affliations as well...so a huge challenge, especially for me Since, I tend to be "wordy!
I like the second and third line of this haiku. It really brings forth profound imagery and smell too. I smell the grass being mowed! Well done.
The first line of your haiku didn't work for me. the "plateaued" part of it seemed harsh. The word "plateaued" does encompass a "pause" which dew does, yet, it doesn't seem the right word choice for the haiku as a whole. Just another thought to ponder.
overall, great job in syllable restriction and in igniting imagery with the mowing of the grass.
Dreams are part of what make us the "quintessence" beings that we are. It's our spirits that enourage us to hope and dream, encouraging us to move towards the steps necessary to fulfill them. I get the sense of all this from your poem.
I like the "larger meaning" that it ignites. It's insightful in a simplistic way. yet, there is an inconsistencey to your rhymes. The first stanza rhymes at the second, third and fifth. Because this is your opening stanza and your are "setting up" the pace, the reader assumes the rest will follow in the same scheme. However, the following stanzas rhyme on the third and fifth lines. Of course it isn't a huge deal, but it does affect the timing and the tone of the poem. Just a thought to mesh about.
I think your word usage is simplistic. The thoughts are not deeply profound but there is an innocence about them. Dreamy idealistic musings that are pleasing and soothing to our soul. and that is great!
...of memories not made, seems a bit of a contradiction. Memeories are made...I don't think we can avoid that even if we wanted to.
And your sentences have overused the word 'that" oftentimes, we can avoid "that" . Deleting "that" allows us to become more active in our words, for instance: "and joys that never cease" and joys never ceasing.
"of friendship "that" never blossomed or friendships never blossoming.
"of past loves that never really ended" you could omit "that' and either "never or really" redundant.
for it to read something like this "of past loves never ending" Well, you get my point.
There is a "thought-provoking" essence to this poem. That is awesome! I think it needs a little work to become the masterpiece it has the potential of becoming. I hope this has been helpful.
Wow. This is amazing! there is something so aesthetically pleasing and "etheral" about your poem. The tone comes in lush and encouraging waves. {e:smile]
The natural flow of the words ease in and out of your soul, much like the movement of the waves as they touch shore. Brilliant!
The use of nature and "human nature" as "one" fused together with purpose. Beautiful!
Every word you used is precise and craftly chosen for full impact of imagry and emotion. Your words are arrousing and rich and poignant.
The rhthmn in your words produce this lovely lull and lilt, like the movement of a ship on currents, and the
the format of your poem is pleasing to the eye. Reminds me of the action of waves on the shore.
I loved the "solace" of this poem, the peace within it invites because it is "introspective"
ok, ok, I've bragged on you enough! lol! Really, though this is a masterpiece of words and images and emotion. Loved it.
obviously, I have no suggestions, that could possibly improve of this poem.
The anguish of not having your love realized or shuned, is indeed painful.
Thus, "anguish" is apparent and deeply felt in this poem. So, emotional appeal is effective. This means, that for the most part, the meaning in your words were portrayed clearly. so well done.
You began the poem by using a specific rhyme scheme. That was established with the 2nd and 4th line rhyming. But then, the rhymes stopped. When this happens, the flow is interupted unless the indirect rhyme matches the cadence of the direct rhyme.
I didn't sense any indirect rhyme though.
This is not a criticism, just an observation, a generalization of thoughts that help me to better understand your poem. So, bear with me.
Not all poems have to have rhyme. But when you establish that in the beginning stanza, it becomes expected in the rest that follow. So, a bit of a let down there.
This is a good poem because of its emotional impact, and the tone is one melancholy and riddled with anguish. So nice job there.
The line "see me in a positive life." was a bit jarring to read because it reads like it should say "positive light". Just a thought to ponder.
I'd love to see some imagry to match the depth of anguish in this poem. I hope this has been helpful.
Armadillo~I didn't want to laugh but you made me. I mean, a single plant that bears two fruits, church and state on the same bush! now that's funny even if I don't agree with you.
But this isn't about agreeing or disagreeing. This is "free speech' and you obviously have a strong opinion and its your right to "spill forth" truth as you see it. Its your perogative. It's your life. Do you have enough armor to protect you? he,he Just kidding.
You have have made some loaded statements. A sort of brutal exposition on the Bush adminstration. Isn't freedom amazing. And yet, you tread on daunting waters. Controversial statements such as these usually enlist and ignite a bevy of backalsh. Are you ready?
Is that tongue sharpened to defend?
"the insidiously evil harvest produced by this already way too popular Bush will soon make even its most ardent promoters realize, contrary to their earlier shortsighted thinking, that it must now be totally uprooted and burned, wherever it is seen to grow."
This is a powerfully lethal statement. Imagine, a burning bush. Now that is laced with relgious conotations.
Anyway, excuse my bablings. I will say, this was intelligently written. Flawlessly executed. Every word, lean and precise for maxium effect.
Whether readers agree or not, you have written a clear and concise and one-sided exposition. But its your right to do so.
You have remarkable moments in your story where your writing is clear and concise, engaging and vivid.
This story has a perfect theme for the age group in which the story is written.
The theme/plot of the story is believable and pertinent.
There were a tremdous amount of errors which got in the way of the flow of the story. Here is some of what I ran up against: "hell had frozen over." Best to avoid cliches especially when you use them in the introduction.
"With her sharp green eyes she attempted." comma after "eyes"
"She could drive me into first if she really wanted to." There is a bit of vagueness to this sentence. I get the impression you mean drive you into "first base" as in baseball? But there is no other references so its a bit confusing.
"placed her fingers on her hops." hips?
"they were long and feminine and panted the same.' painted?
"from the corner of my eye I caught..." comma after "eye"
You first write about the "uncomfortable wooden chairs." and then you write "their plastic seat covers." a bit of inconsistency
"They had always held each other in higher esteem that girls, Adrian had told me that." Often times "that' isn't necessary and did you mean "than girls" rather than "that girls?"
"I was an easily disliked personality." I don't thik this is constructed properly. Perhaps, My personality is one that isn't easily liked?
"he paralyzed my wandering eye and made me completely for him." Again, this is awkward and kind of laughable though it shouldn't be. Perhaps: After I met Adrian, I had eyes for no one else. And his friends tried to test my loyalty..." something like that perhaps.
I think you have the beginnings of a good story here
There are moments when your writing is fantastic such as: "Adrian turned. His eyes pleaded with me for some kind of guidance. I could give him none. I turned away and, instead, focused on the contours of his dashboard." This is an awesome sentence. Very telling. Rich in emotion. more of this please!
Please don't be discouraged by the lower rating. I think this has great potential, it just needs some rewriting and polishing. You are on the right track. it has a wonderful contemporary feel to it with a valuable message and lesson.
Good story, intriguing and very inventive. I sensed the anger and the anguish of the betrayal throughout
the story, And toward the end, I sensed the conflict from within.
Wow. A doctor who deals the hand of death, but not really. It's a bit ironic in a sense. You got them both pretty good. Though I would of rather seen him throw her out on her fanny. But, the revenge was "unique."
I only have one little suggestion. In the paragraph that begins with "Let me tell you how that little plot will...Firstly..." I might be more accurate to say "first" And if you use first, there should be a "second." In the following paragraph after this you followed through, but not this one. And then after first, second, third...you might want to use a comma.
Otherwise, a enjoyable twist of revenge. I wonder, how can you continue on with her knowing what you know. How can you continue to trust? Just my own thoughts. Not a criticism or a judgement.
How on earth did you keep that all so straight? I had to give you 5 just because it took some serious organizational skills to keep up with who and what were and when. Wow.
Too, it was well written and engaging. Definetly complex in its "theme" but easy to read despite the challenge that it must of taken to write.
it was tender too. Endearing, sprinkled with "hope", peppered with "goodness" and "flavored with" cinnamon (for its sweet and spicy tone )
I suppose we all could spend a good amount of time chewing on the "what ifs" and the "could ofs" But I always say, that if it's meant to be, then some way, some how, even if its light years away, that person will "happen' in our life. This kind of thinking helps me in the "should of-would of-could-of" scenarios of life.
I think it was thoughtful and the tone of "regret" and "wonder" came through in your words.
For the most part, I thought this was well written. Although there were a few instances where you repeated a thought such as "teaching style of our laid back instructor," this was already mentioned just a few sentences before.
I was a little "put off" by the use of "Miss Brunette." especially because you write of the 'easy rapport" you had with her. What's her name?
Also, I thought you leaned towards wordiness a bit.
"Unfortunately, I never really grasped completely why this class had become my favorite."
I think this sentence is excellent in its contruction just wordy in its usage. In my humble opinion, I think it might be more effective if written like this : Unfortunately, I never completely grasped why this was my favorite class." There were other sentences similar to this. Sentences where you could delet unnecessary words. Just thoughts to ponder.
Other than a little wordiness, this was a good story. full of wonderment and peppered with a tinge of regret.
This story is as intriquing as the manuscript is to the man in the black mercedes!
I liked this little redevous! Full of action and good character development and on a faraway island too! great.
Too bad the friendship was disloved over it. But, it was an adventure! A bit out of the ordinary, entertaining and engaging. So well done.
I did spot one itsy punctuation error "watched as he turned entered the house..." comma after turned.
Also, it would greatly help the reader if you placed spaces between the paragraphs. Not only is it easier on the readers eyes, but it presents the format nicer. Just a thought to ponder.
I will say, that the "+" were a bit of a nuisance. i'm not sure why you felt it necessary to use them. I tried using them as I was reading, but I couldn't figure it out. lol! This coulb possibly be my issue.
Anyway, this is a fine story. Well written other wise. with good characters, a bit of suspense and adventure too.
I have a short story titled "The Journey" too. Though its theme is different, I chose this one to read because the title was intriquing as was the discription.
I think you have painted both and amazing picture and a disturbing one as well.
Your writing was deliberate and precise. "Lean" with little room for "fluff." And I suspect, this is because of the theme ,topic and setting of this world where there is little "fluff' just a lot of disillusion.
I think you have shown profoundly and elogunetly that there is "humanity" in the darkest alleyways of the most "crime ridden" areas. You have just knocked down and run over many "sterotypes" that exist in the minds of shallow people who assume nothing good can every come off the "streets" There is hope. And I sense it in your story.
Excellent character development. Wonderful descriptions of what street life can be like.
The protagonist of this short may be a "predator' for circumstances dictate that, but, he is also a hero in many ways.
Excellent writing. I saw just one small error. "Noiselessly I pressed close..." comma after noiselessly. And in the sentence " Why must you remind me of a place I could never return to?" I'm not sure about the use of "could" in this instance. Perhaps "can" maybe? Just a thought to ponder.
Otherwise, an excellent story, fresh, original writing with a compelling, profound message.
The moral of this story speaks volumes. Why is it inherrent in our very nature to always want more than what we have? Of course this isn't true for everyone.
And even though the protagonist of your story is still but a child, the theme/plot is a universal "weakness" that crosses all barriers, age/religion/gender/etnicity. Ect. Your story thus, is insightful.
It is a simple message told in simplistic language that reflects a deeper profound message, that in itself (its concept)is simple if the world could truly grasp its meaning.
I thought your language to be eloquent in its delievery, engrossing in its presentation and thought-provoking.
Haleigh is the "epitome" of all humans young or old who can't see how fortunate they are. Who always want more than what they need and who are lacking the forsight to comprehend that happiness comes from within, and not from "material or outside influences".
I think you've written an important story here because it's more than just a "tale of woe-is-me" from the perspective of an eight-year old. Indeed, it is a "wordly' message in allegory expressions that simply say..."be careful for what you ask/want/desire for."
This was written for all to enjoy regardless of age. Because its message is one that all can relate too. It was flawlessly written. I saw no obvious errors and have no suggestions for improvements.
The title is intriguing. "The slow dance inside" Very nice. And yet after I read your story, I was wondering what slow dance did you mean? Because the range of emotions, guilt, shame, unrequitted love seemed more like a rhumba going on inside. {e;smile} Still, I loved the title.
I like the conflict within the main character. It was believable and portrayed effectivly. Isn't that the way? Give all our love, even when its wrong, and still, we are denied. I like the fact that, Lynn was presented, her situation was presented, and yet their was no harsh judgements. Her story was told, period.
In the beginning, there was this "calm reflectiveness" similar to the "slow dance" Towards the end, more conflict and accusations flying and very little resolution. Well done.
I had a few questions as I was reading. A few wonderings.
"Found herself wanting badly to be around him." I think this sentences is a bit awkward in its construction.. Perhaps: you could omit the "badly?"
"But deep down though..." could omit the "though"
"Smiled sleepily, his eyes still shut tight...she stared at him long and hard as he dug his face into his pillow." First you say, you see his face, his eyes shut, but "he dug his face into the pillow" suggests he's lying on his stomach rather than his back. Just a bit of confusion here.
"Lynn loved and lived for these moments it felt like." and unfinished thought here?
I'm wondering about the need for "after girls...after something worth it." rather than use "it" try saying after "you" Perhaps something like this "he's not the kind of guy that runs after girls, especialy girls that love him as I do." Just a thought.
I like the fact that this is still and a unresolved situation. That he didn't run after her. That makes a valuable statement. Now perhaps she can get on with her life and make amends. Anyway, over all, this is a good story. Needs a little polishing but, for the most part, engaging.
I hope this has been helpful.
~write~on~and~peace~Kjo
This is precious. It was written with the energy of a three-year old. Whew!
I like the explorations and discoveries of the little one. I can see it happening as it unfolds. The cat in the basket, perfect picture as they twirl about the room. Seems like a very smart three-year-old in reference to the "coffee" I was trying to recall if one so young would say that and I honestly can't remember. not important, really.
Anyway, this was sweet and well written. I have no suggestions~ The tone is one of amazement, wonderment all sprinkled with love.
Eventhough there was a tone of impending doom and dread in your short story, there was also a hint humor and disbelief from the sheer craziness of the phone call.
I liked the build-up to the phonecall. The setting up of the room and and the use of the room's shadows and nook and crannies that can be eerie in the most optimum moment.
I like the honesty in which you portrayed the character. He's weakness were actually part of his strength. Nice balance. His obvious fear was a nice departure from the usual he-man type that fears nothing.
There was some wordiness and some vagueness that prevented your words from being as effective as they could be. For example:" pondered through a sleep-filtered, dream-logic that it was probably some large insect buzzing underneath the sheets."
This sounds good, but still, its meaning seems to be weighed down by words.
This sentence is a bit wordy."I heard of instances of people picking up the phone in the middle of the night only to hear heavy breathing, who were shortly murdered afterward.
Also there were a few typos: "I imagined silly things that no les than.." less?
"...trying to be.on the opposite of the spectrum.""on" needs to be in Caps.
"pour girl" poor girl?
Otherwise, I think you have a well written story. I like the fact there was no resolution and a "cliffhanger"
I like the honesty and the "realness' of the character. A grown man scared of the shadows the dark makes, yet he perfers darkness. Nice.
I thought it was engaging. Some of your descriptions were great!
This was a tender, heart-rendering story. It was written with passion and love and with dread.
The anguish of having "the number'come up to be drafted, what a sinking feeling. I think its perfect that they did away with the draft.
I love the style of writing, a fresh approach to descriptiveness and details. "Just enough" lean and precise.
I particulaly liked: "his face sang shadows and sweat"
"the trees scraped the sky better than any building ever could and greenery clawed at elbows..." Excellent!
This was a bittersweet story told effortlessly with great character developement and tender moments.
It was also reminiscent of a time when "citizens" of our America rose up in protest, a time when we challeneged the establishment and the "rules'. And too, Vietnam was a shame, in many ways, the draft, the protestors at home, the politicans...and more importantly all our men and women who died and who are still dying from the effects of that war.
My brother was drafted in to Vietnam. He is 59. And he's been told recently that many of his difficulties are the result of "agent orange."
Anyway, your story was absorbing and affecting. it was told passionately and poignantly. Well done.
Her emotion rings out loud. I feel her anguish for loving another that doesn't love her back.
What a foolsih woman though. Sometimes what we run from is exactly what we need to be running to. I'm, of course, speaking of her husband. She was blinded by her own foolishness and fantasies.
It was well written and though the pain of the "unrequitted love" rings loud, the guilt is less
imminent. She says she feels guilt but I don't get the sense of it.
I love the "sweet revenge" aspect of this story. Serves the boss right. Should never cross that line.
However, I would of liked to of seen some resolve within herself not just revenge. But I realize, you had a word restriction. Perhaps after the contest, you might consider developing this further.
I'd like to see what happens if she tells her husband of the infidelity or if she searches for the "reasons why she married her husband and tries to recapture that "love." Just food for thought.
overall, a good read. I noted no obvious grammar mistakes. Lacking a bit of emotion of the guilt side but the pain of the "love lost' was profoundly felt.
What a haeart-warming story. It was written excellently and with genuine thankfullness as if it happened to you.
You descriptions and details of the snowstorm put me right there with you. Well done with imagery and setting.
There really are good poeple that want nothing more than to help even a stranger.
I liked the hope and the "feel-good" strength of this story. It really is delightful and was a pleasure to read.
Great character development all the way around. We should all be so lucky to have a Hazel in our lives.
I bet "Bill" won't be going through the Dakotas anytime soon. Oh, I should stop rambling long enoughto say, the writting was flawless. Not one error did I see and I have no suggestions that could possibly improve on this tender story!
Great ending. Got love a tender story with a positive happy ending. Nice read. ~write~on~and~peace~Kjo
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. I didn't want to laugh, but alas, I thought it pretty humorous. Sorry!
"A heartbeat Away" nice soothing and tender story. great title. Though the suject/theme isn't original it was approached with a uniqueness that was refreshing.
great descriptions and details of the "moment" and nice use of all senses. I especially liked: "A cool ribbon of ocean wind slipped in under the half open window sash to whisper over her exposed skin and she shivered," 
Error/typos:
"the thought was alternately thrilling and terryifying to her." delet "to her"
Excellently developed characters. Aleksander is a strong formidible protagonist who seems to have a "sensitive' side. 
