I was yearning for more...the possibilities with the statement "you will not die on this planet." are too intriguing to stop.
But, its your story and you can end it as you see fit.
I liked the "Antithesis of Purple." Your title drew me in and your words engaged me to read on.
Some of your language was precise and powerful...strength in words, for sure.
"I especially liked "dripping with dramtic importance." very powerful and effective.
The story unfolded nice in bits in pieces, just enough to keep thereader inerested. You said so much in such a short amount of time...I'm left wondering so much about the character..why is she such a loner, what keeps her locked in her apartment...ect.
Anyway..well done, well written. Write on and Peace. Kjo
An engaging and compelling story. Written very well. I like the irony in your words..."...its just unfeeling stone. She smells like an angel." Powerful.
Your descriptios and details are striking. Vivid, in all their coolness, striking in their affect.
Except for " two almond-shaped frozen seas framed in flowing fire." Oh my goodness! Too many adjectives and adverbs. But other than that, excellent use of words and language!
There is a vagueness and ambiguity to your short story...but I sense it was intended and it works effectively.
We don't need to know a lot about the characters. You have unveiled only what is necessary. Well done there.
The intro was great, I liked the self-introspection of the protagonist and the interjections of what he might be.
overall, well done. Enrossing with an edge of brutal honesty and coldness, just enought to make the character believable. Write on and Peace. Kjo
I see the beginnings of a excellent story. So far, I get a clear picture of the protagonist and the setting. Good job there. The theme is moving along nicely as well.
I think your protagoinst is ungrateful,self-absorbed, haughty, and certainly not very likable...but, I sense she is about to get "a taste of reality." So good job there.
I think you have a weak beginning...a lot of unnecessary information on the plane. It really doesn't have any connection to the theme and drags your story on. I realize you probably added that to show her lack of humanity...but it could be achieved in less words.
There were a few mistakes: "she needed some how learn to apply makeup..." awkward sentence and a bit critical. "a window plane sliding open." unclear image. Do planes have windows that open?
"Unlikely that triggered her to smile. And her to respond. "you're welcome, miss." Unlikely suggestes she won't respond.
Towards mid-way your story really began to shine and flow nicely, nice tempo and just enough details to keep the reader interested.
I would certainly caution you on the interjection of(call me racist, but my guess was she was Shellie Rodriguez). The connotations of this remark might not appeal to your readers. So be wary of insulting your audience.
Other than that, I see the makings of a good story. Id suggest editing a lot of the plane scenes as they really don't have much purpose other than to show how shallow your character is. Edit some of the mistakes, and you are on your way to an engaging story. I look forward to reading more. I hope this review has been helpful. Write on and Peace. Kjo
Well, this is certainly origianl. It is creative and imaginative too.
So bravo there.
I didn't care much for Ned. He seemed angry without much cause. Self-absorbed and arrogant. There didn't seem to be a real need for his violent out burst in the barista. It was a bit far fetched. (perhaps if he worked in a post office so he could be postal, that would almost make Ned more believable) lol!
My point here is that while your short was creative and imaginative, your story wasn't very iengaging or compelling, it fell too close to unbleivable and preposterous to be taken seriously even though,it was meant only to be a "parody' and meant to be "humorous." Unfortunately, I didn't see the humor. Sorry.
There were few mistakes: "ceilinged" misspelled as is "splashage."
Just an observation too; since Carissa and Todd are the catalysts of Ned's anger, and he didn't know them other than a couple displaying crude behavior in a public place, perhaps its not necessary to give them names. Just a pondering.
What I liked was your imaginative creative mind. And you did present the story with brutal honesty. It was written well minus a few errors, so excellent there.
This is of course, just my lone humble opinion, please don't take offense. It was my intent to only be helpful in this review. Write on and Peace.
You have the makings of a entertaining story here.
It was midly humourous with a light-hearted feel-good essence.
I like the forthwright approach in your writing. There is an honesty that is laced with a touch of charm.
There were a few minor errors: "nuzzeled" should be "nuzzled"
be careful about using similar/same words in close proxiemty : like "happy" and "happily" or "...that he tell the kids that I'd take..." no need for "that" twice.
Also watch punctuation "he poops regularly. (Cleaning up is my job.) You might want to try "he poops regulalry (cleaning up is my job).
And finally, rather then saying "this story is actually about another cat..." try spicing it up a bit with "Actually this story is less about Ronnie and more about another cat, we just named Johnnie." or something to that effect.
Anyway..you are on your way..and see, the stories will be rushing out now..you won't be able to stop their flow...But, this is a fine begining.
A story that shows your ability to write and effectively engage the reader. Good characters and entertaining. I hope this review has been helpful. Good luck and peace. Kjo
Your story was celver and imagainative. It gave me a good chuckle again and again. It was written well, nearly flawless in grammar and mechanics so bravo there!
Who would of thunk? A man in a bear suit chasing a boy who stole his unicycle through a junk yard--Well you did, and I enjoyed reading this maze of insanity.
I only have one suggestion...the beginning was a bit confusing. It wasn't as clear and precise as the rest of the story that followed. The setting was clear, the bear suit was clear, the second paragraph didn't seem to fit. But that's just an observation.
Anway, well done. The ending was a classic twist of irony. And yes, it worked, at least for me. write on and Peace. Kjo
This is a poem with a lot of meanings. Of course I can see the parody of the classic three bears story. And it made me chickle a bit.
On a serious note, this is also a poem with a deeper insidious meaning that could be about any mother who neglects and abuses their child so authorities step in whisking the child away. (why do we writers always have to search for deeper meaning? lol!)
Anyway...while it is light-hearted and aimed at delievering a chuckle it is also thought-provoking.
It was well written, and had a nice cadence to match the words as their meaning was revealed. Poem on and Peace. Kjo
The ending was shocking to me. And I suppose that was your intent. I say shocking because, all the while I was reading, I was thinking this guy is having a series of unimpressive, boring days, one after another, just routine, but they were presented with such a matter-of-fact attitude that I thought it might be a telling of what a-day-in-the-life of the narrator was like.
And, I sensed a reslience about the character, a "I-will-get-through-this-and come-out-shining mentality.
I didn't think his depression and his feelings of uselessness were so deep or widespread. There were moments in your story that were laced with humor and the character had some grit, I guess that why its called "irony".
Anyway...It was an engaging story laced with moments of wit and charm as well as self-loathing. I could sense the depression and the self-hatred for the banality of his life but I'm an optimist...I never saw the ending coming. so, if that was your intent..well done there.
One small error, in the sentence that began with Bzzzt, bzzt you wrote atleast, two words.
Other than that, well done. A gripping, funny, sad, poignant, self-introspective piece. Write on and Peace. Kjo
Your title encouraged me in...intriquing, I thought.
Your imagery kept your poem alive for me...I flew with the phoenix under the "moon's thin rim" and gasped at how his talons "gleamed." Very effective and vivid.
Your words kept me engaged..."he left behind the shackles of terrestial time..." Excellent, strong word choices, effective and compelling.
I liked how easy your poem was to read with a nice flow and rythem to match the tone. Poem on and Peace. Kjo
This was excellently written. It was filled with gentle advice based on your life's experiences. You supported your suggestions with bits of facts and examples that gave credance to your non-fictional piece.
While, I am from the old school that teaches...the best lesson learned is the one learned of experience.. And while that may still hold true...its nice to get advice and lessons from someone who's been there and can prevent some of "life's unfairness" from whacking you upside the head. So bravo there!
So the gentle probing and the encouragent to find the positive, regardless, is a nice nudge.
You have seen some of the "worst" and yet, still you have joy. That, to me, is remarkable. Thanks for sharing your gentle wisdom. I enjoyed your journey that brought you to your "Joy". Peace. Kjo
An insightful and thought provoking poem. A tear personified to represent a bevy of differnt reasons why a it might fall. Well done there!
I think your poem is effective. There is strength in your words. And it resonates with pain and sorrow. The emotion of the poem is deeply felt.
When I read this and visual a single tear falling, It reminds me of the poignant and effective scene in "Glory" where Denzel Washington allows one single tear to fall. Its slow methodic and painful trail down his face is haunting. have you seen that? I highly recomment it.
Anyway...didn't mean to go on and on...back to your poem. Well done. Poem on and Peace. Kjo
This is a thought-provoking poem. It is visually
unusual...the form the same as a child's cupped hand and the water trickling between the fingers. I'm positive that wasn't an accident.
Your words are effective in creating sound as the poem unfolds. The various sounds that water might make can be heard and they give your poem and element of realism.
There isn't rhythm in the traditonal sense but using water as a methaphor helps to create the essence of water moving and thus...your words flow like water. Nice job there!
I only saw one thing that made me curious, you wrote : "they remain in solitary" that doesn't seem to work..pehaps try omitting the "in" I think it works better without it.
Other than that, well done. Poem on and Peace. Kjo
Seriously though, this was funny. And, for the most part, it was well written, though a few times, I had to reread a few sentences over, but I think that was because of the narrator's language.
Your short was entertaining and original. Can't say, I've ever read anything quite like it. But, when an animal takes on a "character like persona" they can be a laugh a minute.
I think you've told a memorable story, your descriptions and details were vivid and I could literally picture Ol' roos stalking you when you back was turned. Great job there! I got a kick out of the more you whacked him the more he crowed. In spite of what you gave him...he gave it back on his terms. A formidable character.
I could even picture him layed out dead...not! Anyway...it was a good read, entertaining and well written. I think you've captured Ol' roos valiently, he'd be proud! Write on and Peace. Kjo
Your poem has a lovely feel and tone to it, its rythmn unfolds gracefully in lulls and lilts. So, great job with ingniting passion and rythmn.
Some of the other qualitites that make a poem memorable are lacking. Your poem tells rather than shows...what makes the garden with pretty flowers? Imagery is needed to accompany your words and your tone.
"Iris and larkspur will grow to a glorious hue
beyond daffodils and white Queen's Lace,
gently swaying in the soft Spring breeze
create a peaceful and comforting place." This is written nearly flawless, in the area of mechanics and aesthtics but what do an iris, larkspur or Queen's lace look like?
Your poem is resplendent with tone and emotion and flawless in presentation...but its just lacking pictures that bring alive all the colors in your garden you've written about.
I hope this review has been helpful. Poem on and Peace. Kjo
Overall, very affecting. The last line of your poem sums it all up. The words and imagery prior to the ending are thought-provoking and substantiate your theme which brings your last line to a solid end.
I feel your "icy grip of loneliness." your poem resonates with that, but too, a glimmer of hope, so not all is lost to what could of been, to what is walking away.
Your words are choosen carefully so each one strikes precisely the affect you want. Your words are strong and thus, compelling.
The emotion that arrises from your poem is deeply felt, so good job there! overall, nice! I can see why you got the ribbon. Poem on and Pece. Kjo
There are some wonderful aspects of your poem. This is what really liked: "varying tide", "young skin and chestnut waves." "savory air blows." Lovely images and I just like the sound of those words/phrases within the context of your poem...so, well done there!
There was one small error" hearts pound = heart's pound.
Other that that, well written.
The tone was one of calm and repose. Overall, a nice aesthetic quality. Poem on and peace. Kjo
This is a powerfull writing that strikes to the very core just from the sheer emotion and from your journey into acceptance.
I can't even begin to imagine, the anger, the pain..the insanity of all the accusations...but when its all said and done...still, your child has a death sentence. And you, strong and crazy and dealing with your own range of emotions, you are a survivor indeed, and we all grieve differently, no way is right or wrong.
Your writing is thought-provoking and compelling. Your words are laced with the obvious pain and too with hope and with the glimmer of realization you've came to terms with. Because really, what's truly important, as you said so poignantly, is her life, so short, should be filled with the small joys we as adults take for granted. I was deeply touched by your honesty.
I reluctantly include a few small errors: "others approve." a apostrophe with other's.
"..baby, be told she's fine, perfect, beautiful, to feel." don't need a comma after baby. It flows good without.
"I didn not agree with handling my baby.' Handling my baby could be deleted for the full effect of your words.
These are minor errors that don't alter the emotional impact of your writing, however, if you were to present your writing perfeclty, flawless, then your words stand to gain even more imapact igninting all the punch you meant.
You are triumphantly changing from your heart-wrenching experience right before your very eyes. Good luck and Peace. Kjo
And your words unfold nicely creating a easy flow.
A bit more imagery would be helpful in getting your theme across because it does lean on the abstract side a little.
I think a poem's meaning should be a bit clearer...that the reader should be able to grasp the author's intent as the poem unfolds. It almost happened for me. But there was a part of me that wondered...what does it all mean.
otherwise, I enjoyed it. Good luck and Poem on . Peace. Kjo
A Frightful engaging story. Suspensful. And the minute she saw the man at the creek, I knew danger was found. I think you did a great job of presenting and maintaining the theme.
I had a little difficulty believing the assualt. It was lacking emotion for me. Emma screamed but it wasn't powerful--forceful enough for me to grasp the gravity of the situation.
I ralize she's only ten, and too I realize maybe she took comfort that her family was so close, but I needed to see more drama because it was a frightening scene.
I felt my heart skip a beat and a lump forming when the stranger sudddenly appeared. I knew smothing dreadful was about to happen. And yet the scenes after paled in comparison to that initial emotion rising from me.
I didn't much bleive the scene that followed in the cabin. Emma seemed so calm. In my humble opinion, you have the makings of a suspensful drama. You have the content, the theme, the characters, the setting...it's only missing a bit of emotion. That is an easy fix if you so choose.
I hope this has been helpful.
Otherwise, good writing! Thank goodness for cats! Good luck and write on! Peace. Kjo
You have the beginnings of a good poem...the theme is clear and the intent is concise.
Your poem is laced with a sweetness and the emotion is undenialbe.
Holding hands resonates with romance and tenderness...but there were a few images that seemed to mock that image of holding hands and one was the "meaty paw,." it was just too intrusive for you poem. I just couldn't get past that. As I read the rest of your poem, that "meaty paw" blocked the way for any emotion your words might have other wise ignited.
For your readers to get the full extent of your meaning, you might consider changing that image.
And also, you might consider adding more rhtymn to your stanzas, that would greatly add to its flow and tone.
A heart wrenching plea from a place I've never been... war.
Every word is choosen for its full effect thus striking to the very core with peceptive and haunting precision.
I sense the conflict of pride and of weariness. And the repition of "I just wanna come home." is very powerful and effective.
You imagry is compelling, not because it's so real and vivid, but because of its suggestive power. The tone is one of yearning laced with a familiar song that comes to mind: "no one knows the trouble I've seen," something like that, a singer I'm not! anyway...your poem pulled me in and kept me engaged and left me feeling your words.
A delightful little story of one young man's "reality."
I thought it was well written, entertaining and laced with humor."..world had ditched me and gone to appeal some other mook. It was complete and utter blackness. I couldn’t see a thing. The sun had gone out and left me in shadow." This had me laughing...though a little over the top, still, believable.
All in a day in the life of Shane. And it was light-hearted and original and "fresh" Good character development with Shane in such a short span.
Enjoyable and a surprising good read. Write on and Peace. Kjo
There is an aesthetic quailty, and etheral feel to your piece on time.
You have appealed to our sensibilities with your lush descriptions and heady images. In a very small piece you've managed to capture the essence of time in a variety of ways withoug losing sight of "time's" essence.
Well written. Now take your ability to write, with your ability to create vivid imagery and your ability to ignite emotion and put some of these lovely ideas of "time" in a poem or create a short story. You have the talent. Write on andPeace. Kjo
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