I think you have the makings of a interesting story here. It was engaging with good character development, but the solider, what a pitiful sight he was...not so strong...rather weak...I supose was he weakened beacuse of his brand of religion?
That the thrid figure was of Irish decent was rather curious. It made me smile but I'n not sure it was beleivable. The fact that the three figures made light/fun of the religion was indeed controversial but it was presented without harsh judgement. (though a bit of a mock).
I did have a suggestion: there was an unclear sentence :" Only he knew it was not Allah whose wrath he had fear now." Needs to be rewritten for clarity.
Also over use of "nearly" too close in proximeity. "Now it was nearly evening. The sun had nearly..."
Overall, interesting story...could be made stronger with a more details in the descriptions/imagry, but overall..well don. Write on and Peace. Kjo
It was just okay for me...didn't wow my socks off.
I think you have some valid material, it just lacks a little passion. I sense an undertone of sadness and loneliness, but some of your words choices are cliche and don't give credence to or substantiate your message.
I did like stanza 4...as it embodied the essence of your pain. I think your format made it difficult to read...having an inconsistent rhyming scheme.
In the day that arose of
mist and frost, a cabin
fell torn in the woods. The
frayed planks lay still in the misty
grass; crisp leaves flowing
through the nooks
This was beautiful! You imagery was lovely and it gave credence to the rhythem and flow of your words.
There was a wonderful resounding tone of "what used to be" and that was substantiated in the theme of your poem.
"Where whispers told in secret, and forgotten
moments of children laughing, crying,
thriving were once bound within
the walls, billowed out into a
silent noon."
My favorite! Outstanding. Well written. My only suggestion would be to place your poem in some sembelance of order and structure. I think it would be perfect then.! only a suggestion however. otherwise, well done. Poem on and Peace. Kjo
Your poem has a resounding rhythmn to it and the flow was nice.
I'm not sure about the "I's". It just doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the laguage use. Also, I think you need an apostrophe with the s. "season's gone."
And I hesitate to mention the "waunder" because that could be a correct spelling in your country's lang...but for newer Eng. its wander.
Anyway...overall, I liked it...I thought it was relevant to "the play on words with season in mind" theme. Poem on and peace. Kjo
There is a lot of passion and emotion in your poem.
It nearly reads like a song.
The undertone reflects the desparity and the hopelessness one must feel when stuck "In the Cross Street Blues." But I also sense raw determination.
I think that your poem would flow easier and have more of an impact on the reader if the format was a bit more structured: the stanzas jumping from 5,6,5,3 then 8 loses some of it intensity...just a thought here. This review is meant to be helpful and is only a suggestion.
Otherwise, I really thought it was good. Poem on and peace. Kjo
I think you've written a very powerful story here.
one that suggests we all are of the "human family."
It was beautifully written and engaging.
Your character development was excellent. The racist views of Herman were portrayed and presented with truth and with revulsion. Ironic that he hated Jews as much as he hated blacks, and Flo was Jewish. Very clever.
I really liked how Flo was the mediator, the one to softened the harsh blows of herman's bigotry. I see her to be as much as a heroine as Trudy. And how she dared to defy her own husband, which was unheard of in many instances, should be applauded.
Your story reveals a lot more then just the characters in a story, it reveals the pain and anguish and injustice of being thought of as a "second-class-citizen.As well as the rewards of stepping out of the norm and taking a chance on friendship. The emotions that Akillah turned inward, were presented with respect, honor and emphathy.
The only question I have is...a few of the word choices...sequestered, blacklisted,haphazardly...seem a litte "big' for little trudy.
But this is so minor. Anyway..well done. It was a pleasure. Peace. Kjo
What a beautiful story you've written. It was heart-wrenching, powerful and engrossing.
The character development was excellent and the dialouge perfect.
The reaction to the constant playing of the song...was perfectly natural. The pulling up of the rose bushes, a metaphor to many things...being uprooted from Georgia, having the baby uprooted from the womb, the roses symbolizing the loss of the baby and her name.
This was beautiful story written beautifully. Flawless in grammar and mechanics.
Your story was insightful and haunting. Write on and Peace. Kjo
I love this poem. It brings about all that we wonder about as we age and go through life. Your words are simple but pack a powerful message.
It has a lovely tone and flow. I would only say, in my humble opinion maybe there's too many questions in stanza 3. I think that it takes away from the message.
Maybe just consider a couple that really emphasize the overall essence of your poem.
Childhood adventures are always the best. I had a few myself.
Your story was well written and charming. It was easy to read and had a nice flow. The only thing I would change is the repition of the "at grandma's house in the 3rd paragrpah. You already established that you spent time there in the 2nd paragraph. No need to state it again. And sometimes its not necessary for the narrator to interject within the story..(like I'm getting ahead of myself).
otherwise, well done. Good luck. and Peace. Kjo
I think you did a great job of capturing the voice of a six-year-old.
Your story is good and engaging. The story is believable as is the actions and dialogue of billy and his friends.
Well done. I saw one little mistake.... "to color with crayons, read write and even how to play with a jack-in-the-box." You might consider putting a comma between read and write.
Other then that..nice. Write on and Peace. Kjo
You have the makings of a very good story here. Your plot was understood, your theme, consistent throughout your story.
However, I did stumble every now and then with the read. First, if I may suggest: In my humble opinion...if you broke your paragraphs up with spaces between that would help the reader.
There were a few misspellings, that is only if their wasn't a translation from another language..which, of course is possible but in case not: "pray' you mean prey?, "counsilor' you mean counselor? "d illusion" disillusion?. Also a scan of punctuation would also help.
otherwise, you have the material. Good luck and write on! Peace. Kjo
You have the material and makings of a solid poem here.
I stumbled a bit in the read. Seems like some of your rhymes were forced or selected because they rhymed not because they substantiated a line.
I suspect their could be a wonderful cadence to your poem. The substance and essence is there...just needs a little tweaking? This is only my humble opinion. it is meant only to be helpful.
Your poem is alive with a pallate of color. Y
I liked the tone and for the most part it had a nice flow. I think you it could be better if you'd scan for punctuation so that the reader can pause...to it will give emphasis and strength to certain words. For example:
I always wondered about the color of my soul.
You came to me and whispered,
I know the color of your soul
your eyes danced and your smile sparkled,
Also, the last word...forever, seemed a little cliche'
it could almost be deleted...with nothing in its place?
Of course this is only a suggestion. ANd this review is meant only to be helpful.
You have weaved a good short story here. Your words are sharp and decisive, gripping and caustic.
You have good character development and a good plot. Your theme is consistent throughout.
I was a bit confused in a few areas/scenes: such as in the line that begins with "You bitch," I scream. "How dare you cheat on me..." Who's talking here? I was a bit lost.
And in the sentence that begins with "...the last two instalment showed..." seems to be missing something.
Over all, a mildly suspenseful, good short story. Write on and Peace! kjo
I think the repition of "once and always" works well in you poem. I got the sense of escalation as I read through. The pleading undertone was nicely done as well.
However, I'm not so sure about the constant use of "always," (not the phrase Once and always) it seemed a bit overused. It think if its use was more consistent throughout it would of been more effective. i'm sorry, am I making any sense here?
Anyway...that's a minor suggestion...Poem on and Peace. Kjo
I liked your poem. It had a certain musical flavor as you read through each stanza. It was a good read with a nice tone and flow until the very last three lines.
I wasn't sure what to expect as I was reading to the end...the ending was a bit jarring. It made me laugh for a moment becasue it was unexpected and clever...but I'm not sure it substantiates the context of your poem. It was a bit creepy in comparision to the delightful tone in the previous stanzas.
This of course, is just my opinion. I hope this has been helpful to you.
Poem on and Peace! Kjo
I love the tone and flow of your poem. Your words are rhythmic and stirring.
You create a visual masterpiece with your "towering peaceful giant." "There's a message in your silence we make too much noise to hear." Was very compelling. Overall, a very nice essence.
Your writing is flawless with no errors or mistakes.
There was a book and movie out called "Like water for chocolate." Different then your poem, but I remember the movie, especially.
There certainly seems to be some scientific references to your poem and it is synchronized to the moment when you met or will meet your heart's desire.
Nicely said, well written. I sense your bewilderment and your questioning tone.
Even while your words are at times harsh--"malice&spite." there is an air of hope within your words...a thread of right and wrong, that the human spirit can withstand "evil forces" (whatever they may be to us) and move on to brighter planes.
This is evident in "the little weed, the tiny sprout."
It was thought-provoking but a bit dry and didn't necessarily compell me to read on. I do have one suggestion "...the single greatest mover..." mover, didn't seem as clinical as some of your other language..perhaps "motivatior"or " denominator" Just a small observation.
It was enlightening but still, creepy. Anyway. What a manifesto! Thanks for sharing. Peace. Kjo
Well written and very powerfully told. I see this deveopled in to a longer short story...the material is here.
I sense more than just fear in the narrator's voice. Its a deep haunting sadness...but no anger. That surprises me. But, I understand the fear and sadness.
Again, nice job! Write on and peace. Kjo
Ah yes, the art of illusion to others and from withiin as well. Your poem speaks of emotions as if it is an entity of its own...and at times, it is.
The physicality of the "emotions" is well written...the range extensive.
Perhaps, I read it wrong then you intended...but that's what your words are saying to me.
Anyway, very well written with a nice tone and flow from one stanza to the next. Poem on and Peace. Kjo
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