Your poem is dark and loomimg. It had an usual cadence to it...nearly matching your incessant words.
Great imagery:
"Let them receive the cruelty of life
With a chill on their spine.
Let their cheeks turn blue
With the coldness of the night."
I thought your poem was full of the passion of your dying wish and this passion came through poignantly in your verses. Well done. Poem on and Peace. Kjo
Your short story was well written and entertaining...I was a bit put off by the radical cussing at the clerk..while buying your tea...but, that's just personal, not a critical assessment of your freedom as a writer.
I think your words and the overall tone was light-hearted and slightly comical..and that's always a great attibute to have in anything written.
Of course...it was just fantasy...if only some drink like tea, coffee, red bull, perhaps lemonade...could give us super-human powers...if so, I'd be drinking more...cause, I'd like to fly...don't keep the doctor waiting...he might make you run that treadmill again! lol! Nice writing! so Write on! Peace. Kjo
You had asked why so many drive-by readers with no reviews...well I decided to stop by and give "Honesty" a read. And this is what I have to say...
Your writting is very intellectual. The word choices are nearly clinical.
"The mathematical equations had grown increasingly complex and difficult and they failed to invoke any
solutions in my exhausted brain"
Excellently written but just a bit on the boring side Its lacking some emotion.
Even your descrptions and imagery is a bit dry and clinical.
"I recalled engineering my solutions to such precision in the last thirty minutes that it was synonymous to an impregnable fortress guarded by a moat with crocodiles..."
Unless your target of readers are the likes of Bill Gates" or Math and Science gurus, your story is not very interesting.
Now, that's not necessarily a bad thing. You write very well. Your sentence structure and the mechanics of writing are nearly impeccable, minus a few typos.
But when you title a story "Honesty" which is a trait from within, perhaps the readers would expect to feel the words your write.
Here are a few mistakes/typos I stumbled upon: "The year in Maths was at stake" Don't need the "s" on Math.
"gambled lightly, I had answered, I had answered..."
Also, you wrote "...any mistakes in addicition..." addition? and finally "...shove he thought away."
These are so minor and don't reflect on the story because the reader gets the sense you are very intelligent. But I'm sure you'll want to correct them.
To summarize: You have a well written, smart story in Honesty but I felt it was lacking emotion. I wanted to feel some of the honesty that your title so proudly wears. This is just my humble opinion. I hope it has been useful.
Write on and Peace. Kjo
You have weaved a very powerful and poingnant story.
The opening scene with the two young men beating the other man with the bat was startling real. Your words were haunting and compelling and the scene itself was frightning and brutal.
I have to commend you for presenting the story without judgement...for just replaying the facts as they were happening...without prejudice.
Then, while at work...you present your boss/friend who dies in a tragic accident...a good family man...you question the insanity of it...but still it's presented without judgements or harsh anger. The tone of your piece throughout is filled with anguish and pain but you don't act on that...its as if, the character is in a state of disbelief. As if he is removed, watching the scene unfold as its played on stage or in a theater.
You handled that with care and concern not with hate and with bitterness...that was remarkable.
There is a undertone of sadness and outrage but the characters stream of consciousness remains neutral except for the "questions of fairness in life"
Your detailed descriptions are engaging and unsettling.
I liked it...it was unique with a tone of awe. It flowed with ease as I was reading.
I think your imagery was exceptionally original "
"It's there you'll find
the turquoise of denial,
carnelian wound
that flowers 'cross the drifted snow." wonderful!
Your rhymes were unusal but engaging.
Over all, well done/ Poem on and Peace. Kjo
I think you have the beginnings of a first rate story here. The content is intersting but it was difficult to read. Try spaces between your paragrpahs. Also, there were numerous mistakes in sentence structure and mispellings. Also, scan for punctuation.
The following sentence is just one example of an error in structure.: "It was called so because it had be one Centry after then new Millenium" Needs clarification.
Here is a list of just some of the mispellings: " in stead"=instead,"sucsseeded"=succeeded,"alot"= a lot holdin"=holding, "amazin"=amazing, "fiering"=firing, nessisary=necessary, "accuaracy"=accuracy, "im"=i'm
I think your story really began when the little girl woke up Evee. The paragraph before could be used throughout the story weaved in rembrances. Setting up the story was okay but it doesn't intice the reader to continue.
Don't get discouraged by the low rating. You have the rough draft of a good story here. It just needs a bit more work. Write on and peace. Kjo
I think you have the makings of a interesting story here. It was engaging with good character development, but the solider, what a pitiful sight he was...not so strong...rather weak...I supose was he weakened beacuse of his brand of religion?
That the thrid figure was of Irish decent was rather curious. It made me smile but I'n not sure it was beleivable. The fact that the three figures made light/fun of the religion was indeed controversial but it was presented without harsh judgement. (though a bit of a mock).
I did have a suggestion: there was an unclear sentence :" Only he knew it was not Allah whose wrath he had fear now." Needs to be rewritten for clarity.
Also over use of "nearly" too close in proximeity. "Now it was nearly evening. The sun had nearly..."
Overall, interesting story...could be made stronger with a more details in the descriptions/imagry, but overall..well don. Write on and Peace. Kjo
It was just okay for me...didn't wow my socks off.
I think you have some valid material, it just lacks a little passion. I sense an undertone of sadness and loneliness, but some of your words choices are cliche and don't give credence to or substantiate your message.
I did like stanza 4...as it embodied the essence of your pain. I think your format made it difficult to read...having an inconsistent rhyming scheme.
In the day that arose of
mist and frost, a cabin
fell torn in the woods. The
frayed planks lay still in the misty
grass; crisp leaves flowing
through the nooks
This was beautiful! You imagery was lovely and it gave credence to the rhythem and flow of your words.
There was a wonderful resounding tone of "what used to be" and that was substantiated in the theme of your poem.
"Where whispers told in secret, and forgotten
moments of children laughing, crying,
thriving were once bound within
the walls, billowed out into a
silent noon."
My favorite! Outstanding. Well written. My only suggestion would be to place your poem in some sembelance of order and structure. I think it would be perfect then.! only a suggestion however. otherwise, well done. Poem on and Peace. Kjo
Your poem has a resounding rhythmn to it and the flow was nice.
I'm not sure about the "I's". It just doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the laguage use. Also, I think you need an apostrophe with the s. "season's gone."
And I hesitate to mention the "waunder" because that could be a correct spelling in your country's lang...but for newer Eng. its wander.
Anyway...overall, I liked it...I thought it was relevant to "the play on words with season in mind" theme. Poem on and peace. Kjo
There is a lot of passion and emotion in your poem.
It nearly reads like a song.
The undertone reflects the desparity and the hopelessness one must feel when stuck "In the Cross Street Blues." But I also sense raw determination.
I think that your poem would flow easier and have more of an impact on the reader if the format was a bit more structured: the stanzas jumping from 5,6,5,3 then 8 loses some of it intensity...just a thought here. This review is meant to be helpful and is only a suggestion.
Otherwise, I really thought it was good. Poem on and peace. Kjo
I think you've written a very powerful story here.
one that suggests we all are of the "human family."
It was beautifully written and engaging.
Your character development was excellent. The racist views of Herman were portrayed and presented with truth and with revulsion. Ironic that he hated Jews as much as he hated blacks, and Flo was Jewish. Very clever.
I really liked how Flo was the mediator, the one to softened the harsh blows of herman's bigotry. I see her to be as much as a heroine as Trudy. And how she dared to defy her own husband, which was unheard of in many instances, should be applauded.
Your story reveals a lot more then just the characters in a story, it reveals the pain and anguish and injustice of being thought of as a "second-class-citizen.As well as the rewards of stepping out of the norm and taking a chance on friendship. The emotions that Akillah turned inward, were presented with respect, honor and emphathy.
The only question I have is...a few of the word choices...sequestered, blacklisted,haphazardly...seem a litte "big' for little trudy.
But this is so minor. Anyway..well done. It was a pleasure. Peace. Kjo
What a beautiful story you've written. It was heart-wrenching, powerful and engrossing.
The character development was excellent and the dialouge perfect.
The reaction to the constant playing of the song...was perfectly natural. The pulling up of the rose bushes, a metaphor to many things...being uprooted from Georgia, having the baby uprooted from the womb, the roses symbolizing the loss of the baby and her name.
This was beautiful story written beautifully. Flawless in grammar and mechanics.
Your story was insightful and haunting. Write on and Peace. Kjo
I love this poem. It brings about all that we wonder about as we age and go through life. Your words are simple but pack a powerful message.
It has a lovely tone and flow. I would only say, in my humble opinion maybe there's too many questions in stanza 3. I think that it takes away from the message.
Maybe just consider a couple that really emphasize the overall essence of your poem.
Childhood adventures are always the best. I had a few myself.
Your story was well written and charming. It was easy to read and had a nice flow. The only thing I would change is the repition of the "at grandma's house in the 3rd paragrpah. You already established that you spent time there in the 2nd paragraph. No need to state it again. And sometimes its not necessary for the narrator to interject within the story..(like I'm getting ahead of myself).
otherwise, well done. Good luck. and Peace. Kjo
I think you did a great job of capturing the voice of a six-year-old.
Your story is good and engaging. The story is believable as is the actions and dialogue of billy and his friends.
Well done. I saw one little mistake.... "to color with crayons, read write and even how to play with a jack-in-the-box." You might consider putting a comma between read and write.
Other then that..nice. Write on and Peace. Kjo
You have the makings of a very good story here. Your plot was understood, your theme, consistent throughout your story.
However, I did stumble every now and then with the read. First, if I may suggest: In my humble opinion...if you broke your paragraphs up with spaces between that would help the reader.
There were a few misspellings, that is only if their wasn't a translation from another language..which, of course is possible but in case not: "pray' you mean prey?, "counsilor' you mean counselor? "d illusion" disillusion?. Also a scan of punctuation would also help.
otherwise, you have the material. Good luck and write on! Peace. Kjo
You have the material and makings of a solid poem here.
I stumbled a bit in the read. Seems like some of your rhymes were forced or selected because they rhymed not because they substantiated a line.
I suspect their could be a wonderful cadence to your poem. The substance and essence is there...just needs a little tweaking? This is only my humble opinion. it is meant only to be helpful.
Your poem is alive with a pallate of color. Y
I liked the tone and for the most part it had a nice flow. I think you it could be better if you'd scan for punctuation so that the reader can pause...to it will give emphasis and strength to certain words. For example:
I always wondered about the color of my soul.
You came to me and whispered,
I know the color of your soul
your eyes danced and your smile sparkled,
Also, the last word...forever, seemed a little cliche'
it could almost be deleted...with nothing in its place?
Of course this is only a suggestion. ANd this review is meant only to be helpful.
You have weaved a good short story here. Your words are sharp and decisive, gripping and caustic.
You have good character development and a good plot. Your theme is consistent throughout.
I was a bit confused in a few areas/scenes: such as in the line that begins with "You bitch," I scream. "How dare you cheat on me..." Who's talking here? I was a bit lost.
And in the sentence that begins with "...the last two instalment showed..." seems to be missing something.
Over all, a mildly suspenseful, good short story. Write on and Peace! kjo
I think the repition of "once and always" works well in you poem. I got the sense of escalation as I read through. The pleading undertone was nicely done as well.
However, I'm not so sure about the constant use of "always," (not the phrase Once and always) it seemed a bit overused. It think if its use was more consistent throughout it would of been more effective. i'm sorry, am I making any sense here?
Anyway...that's a minor suggestion...Poem on and Peace. Kjo
I liked your poem. It had a certain musical flavor as you read through each stanza. It was a good read with a nice tone and flow until the very last three lines.
I wasn't sure what to expect as I was reading to the end...the ending was a bit jarring. It made me laugh for a moment becasue it was unexpected and clever...but I'm not sure it substantiates the context of your poem. It was a bit creepy in comparision to the delightful tone in the previous stanzas.
This of course, is just my opinion. I hope this has been helpful to you.
Poem on and Peace! Kjo
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