It's suspenseful and engrossing. Your character development and dialogue are well done.
There were a few minor mistakes. in the sentence that begins with "A minute after he left the car park and...."restucture for clarity.
"lugs" do you mean lungs?
"pail hand." do you mean pale?
"Get ident here straight away." For the reader who doesn't no police/det. language...explain "ident."
otherwise great job! I liked it. And I was captivated and intrigued to continue reading.
The small errors are easily addressed. Good luck! and Peace.kjo
You have a well crafted story here. it is engaging and compelling. Full of lush language and heady descriptions. I especially liked "...as time passed and the morning elasped..." and ,"...nothing to whisper about..." and ...boots made soft impressions on the damp grass." Your attention to detail is admirable.
However, your story wasn't without errors: in my humble opinion:
I can't envision a creek "crashing" over stones. Creek seems rather timid for crash.
"...breathing its last and dying out.' missing a word or two?
"To the right,(period)
"It was slower work getting the flock back,now on a full stomach, but still time....to fill his aching stomach." full or not? just a little unclear.
did you mean "leaped" or "leapt"?
"Man's skill."
Also, it would be very effective if you used a word to sound out the scream.
Just a few suggestions meant only to be helpful.
other wise. I enjoyed your story. I wrote a piece...about the same era as yours...though a different genre..if you are so inclined to read and review "A Place To Rest." thanks in advance. Good luck and Peace. Kjo
You have a written a beautiful story of love in all its pain and all its glory. It is neither perfect nor flawed.
Their really wasn't much character development or dialogue to consider, just the narrator replaying a image of two lovers who didn't quite get what it means to have found such glorious love.
You words were written to captivate and engage. You did that well.
I have no suggestions and I found no errors. Peace. Kjo
You have written a powerfull and poignant story. It grabbed my attention from the very first sentence and help on to me throughout.
It was beautifully written. I didn't see one mistake!
You characterization and dialouge was well developed and engaging.
I especially loved the lush language and the imagry you created for the reader...""...the stifling scent of millions of ancient fish....punched me in the face."
"....night had long fallen...and guilt had settled on my heart."
Well done. Bravo! My only suggestion is...put spaces between each new paragraph and between each new dialogue. Write on and peace. Kjo
Your poem has potential. I rated it low because, while it was written perfectly, with little to no errors in grammar/punctuation/spelling ect. It lacked passion for me.
You write of this Love, but I just didn't feel it.
It was rather ordinary.
It seemed that you were more concerned with ryhme then you were imagry/flow/energy. Poetry needs elements of imagry/personification/alliteration/allegory...ect.
But you know that! As I said...you have the ability...you've proven that...now just make it memorable! And truly, this review is meant only to be helpful!Good luck and Peace. Kjo
An emotional piece. Short however. So there's not a lot to review. What little you wrote, was written with the pride you felt in your fellow neighbors who came to salute their fallen solider.
I would only say that breaking up the paragraphs with a space would make it easier to read. And the only real error/issue was the shift in the second parag. the begins with "It just so happens..."
Write on! and Peace. Kjo
You have a very fine story in the makings.
Excellent character development and dialogue. It is compelling and intriguing.
I can see it's unfinished but write on! You have a great beginning.
However, it wasn't without errors. In my humble opinion mostly in sentence structure/punctuation and typos:
"With an air of a joke that is quite totally...."
"I'll write and editorial..."
"That night, Jeremy lay in bed next to Rose. Her chin...."
"Hes never paid a penny..." He's
These are minor errors, easily addressed. I look forward to the completed version. Good Luck and Peace. Kjo
You have weaved a first rate horror story here. I'm afraid to sleep now for fear I might have dreams....
Seriously though...it was very good. Excellent character development.
The build up of suspense was well done. I liked the idea of the diary enteries. Very clever and imaginative. Great, no, superb writing.
I would of rated it 5stars but your story, while very good, wasn't without errors. Especially in the last few paragraphs. But also a few throughout, mostly in sentence structure.
"A woman who had always show remarkably pleasant...unfortunately..." restructure for clarity.
"If it were not for the extra help ...super...sent, we may have we have..."
"As it stands,"
These slight errors are easily addressed.
Otherwise, excellent job! Good luck and Peace. Kjo
I liked your short story it had some wonderful moments of clarity and honesty.
It was compelling and sad and a shame that you were shown no loved, or encouragement. I'm surprised you loved your brother so much considering he got his and your share of the love.
Overall, well done and well written with a few exceptions: The following sentences either are fragmented or need to be rewritten becccuase they are vague or awkward.
"Our home situated....and we bred..." subject/verb issue.
"...on cold winter days...the delightful smell..."
Never allowed to help in the kitchen...."
Character developemnt is great (of course!) and the dialoge, what little there was, was done exceptionally well.
Overall impression..Well done. The few errors are easily addressed if you so choose. Write on! Peace. Kjo
A ballad indeed! Nicely done. I especially liked "...they walked on courageously 'cross hills and over banks." Loved that line.
I only have a couple of suggestions, in my humble opinion, in the second stanza, second line, you used "Out" twice...
And in the sentence beginning with "Five little boys glanced at the sun..." didn't seem to support the overall tone. And same with the sentence that begins with "Four little boys marched..."
Hey...don't be discouraged by the low rating. You have the makings of a very fine story here. It needs some work however.
In my humble opinion: I felt the narrator just rambling from scene to scene. There was a lot of characters...which is ok. However their purpose or validation to the plot or theme was not very clear...As a reader and as your story unfolded, I was left wondering. Its the narrator's responsibility to support the plot, theme, subject. It was vague and unclear at times.
I thought your strongest scenes came when the narrator talked about mom and dad (done poignantly and with passion).
And then just a few mistakes in structure:"...same dull to me." and "I guess that's what is dose to you."
Of course all that i mentioned are only suggestions. And they are easily addressed if you so choose.
Over all, a rough draft of what could be a good solid story. Write on! Peace. Kjo
Very heart-warming. Compelling and I had such a "feel-good' feeling as I was reading.
I love the character Bertha! Sounds like a wonderful/wise and loved woman who can throw down some food!
Over all great charaterization and full of energy.
I would just say, that in the sentence that has "...then it expands." you could remove "then".
And the references to "Place of Time and Hard Work." "Other Place" and "Hard Work" was a bit annoying to me as a reader because you teased me and yet didn't deliver. I would suggest the narrtor either explain or describe or just omit. But these are small matters in the scheme of things! Easily addressed.
Very nice! Rich and heavy-ladened with poignant language. It had a certain eloguent flow...a nice "stream of consciousness" if you will.
The only part that just didn't work for me was "twitter." I can only say...it didn't seem to stay true to the rest of the language that was used in the poem...it seemed like...for lack of better choice..it rhymed.
Otherwise, beautiful! Poem on. Peace! Kjo
Don't be discouraged by the low rating. I rated it low because it needs work.
You have the makings of a good short story here. Stories about grandparents are always entertaining and insightful. Yours too. However, it wasn't without errors.
You story didn't seemed to support the title. I kept waiting for the tune down by the river, which didn't happen until the last couple of sentences.
Weave it sooner into your story...perhaps start your story with the ending scene then remember.
Also, the laguage the narrator speaks isn't believable...the narrator shouldn't try talking like grandpa...use the words and language and slang when grandpa is talking or reminicsing. for instance, when narrator uses words such as must've or everythin'.
The other few errors are in sentence structure. In my humble opinion: in the sentence that begins with "...Not ever, in all the years I've..." rewrite for clarity.
First line:"...At first, one wouldn't think....o' ol grandpa..." ? do you mean of ol grandpa?
Over all...the making of a nice story. Good luck with your revisions if you choose to do them. Write on! Kjo
A fantasticlly written tribute to you and to your black sisters and brothers. A Celebration of who you are.
Also a cry out against societies "ideas" of who you are and how, oftentimes, one singular black person carries the whole weight of their community on their shoulders.
I especially liked the 3rd stanza...becasue you are embracing you and at the sametime announcing with pride, that the real you, lives within.
I liked your short story. It was a "personal appreciation." because I could relate to the area in which your story was told...I'm intimately familiar with san jaun islands, vancouver..., gray whales the drizzel, gray sky...rain and rain. So that was a plus for me.
It was scientific yet believable. Your language, though technical at times...was easily understood. Nice!
I would suggest that you consider rewriting the sentence that begins with ..."Egan approached the..." a bit vague/awkward structure.
Is "scratchily" a word? and rickety steel table seemed a bit peculiar...maybe chrome?
Oh. and if you separate your paragraphs, your story would be easier to read and easier on the eyes." Other wise...nice job! Write on! Good Luck! Peace. Kjo
Overall, you have a lot of great ideas, experiences and lessons that you share with the reader. They are all valid and valuable.
I would only say...that if you want to keep this in poetry format...its a bit long...so you might want to edit some words...or try breaking up the sentences into stanzas with breaks between to give the reader a pause
Or you could consider putting your lessons in story format where the reader is less concerned with "formatting" and rhyme and tone ect. and concentrates on content. Just a few humble suggestions :) Peace. Kjo
What a terrible fate...to know prophecy and know it involves you.
Very short, but it tells a lot in a small space.
I was left with one question? How come Henery didn't die...if he too saw the assain's face? Just wondering. Also, in my humble opinion...just a few suggestions:1st Sentence..."...as it truly was." isn't needed. Nor is "became" Two bullets lodged inside me."
is sufficent.
You could delete "...I knew it." I was dying." has more impact. All in all, just minor suggestions.
Good job. Write on! Peace. Kjo
Excellent! Very well written (no suggestions from me for improvements) and nearly perfect! Your short story is full of symbols and irony and it was clever. I liked how you weaved the story around your manuscript that was stolen for evidence. It was straight-forward in its tone and you created interest for the reader with the dreams. I enjoyed the read. Good Job. Write on! Peace. Kjo
Nicely done. A sensual poem tastefully written. Great imagry. That a bath could be likened to a sexual experience...without actually saying it, means the author can write! I would only say that you might want to cap. your i and "lovers hand" is possessive, so it should have a 's. Otherwise Great job. Good Luck! Good writing. Peace. Kjo
It read very well and was nearly error free.
Just a few humble suggestions:
"Gods fury." should be "God's fury"
"drops of tears" should be drop of tears (tears suggest more then one.)
And finally, perhaps a period at the end of each stanza rather then a comma... there's a lot of commas.
Oter wise, it was a beautifully written poem.
Good luck! Good writing! Peace...Kjo
Your short story is an amazing read! Such beautiful language, lush and vivid.
I really like how the content of the story "plays" on the title, which suggests dark to light....yet the light(the promise)in the beginning was really the lie (dark) and then the narrator (solider) really comes in to the "light". Well done.
I also liked the line "rose from the fire light as a tune" yet, I was thinking "as a melody" would keep in step with the lushness of the tone and of the language. Just a meer observation...Also, in the line "There are no guarantees in promises" I thought there are no guarantees." would be more powerful.
Anyway...whether you choose to make those changes or not...it doesn't change how great your story is.
Well written. Kept my interest. I wanted to know...the promise! The fact that he was a solider unveils a lot about the character at the end. Good Luck! Good writing! Peace. Kjo
Well writen interesting era's piece. I didn't love it, however just because it's not my genre of taste, however, it did keep my interest, and I did enjoy the read.
The dilouge was well crafted and believable. I liked the charaters. Excellent job in recreating the era's maid language( which is a difficult feat in itself) You mastered it well!
Mechanics...overall well written...I just have a few suggestions.... "dream had become a nightly ordeal she suffered through" Ordeal and suffer...seems the same...
One paragraph had an overuse of the word "that" It was in the paragraph right before the scene of the sisters picking out the ball gown.
And finally, one other confusion..."Though she had not forgotten either." (sorry, forgot where I read that) Anyway, well done.
Good Writing! Good Luck! Peace and Blessings. Kjo
Your first verse/stanza is excellent..To me, that seemed finished. It flowed smoothly and it was visually appealing. I saw only one mechanical error..."What" should be "What's"?
Your 2nd verse/stanza was not as fluid as the first. It was wordy...less is more at times. In the Line beginning with To, you used "to" four times. So, rework the second stanza and edit out some words. It'll help tremdously.
The final three, read better then the 2nd but not as good as the 1st. All though you used less words...they seemed abiguous. Honestly, the first one was excellent and, finished...I think...Keep writing. Peace and Blessings! Kjo
This is an endearing tribute to all those courageous men and women before you.
Black men and women who saw that oppresion was injustice. Who had a dream and looked for solutions to the "racial problem" that faced America, but Americans denied.
This was well written. Full of your passion and respect.
Just a few suggestions: Maybe it would be even more powerful to put it in active, rater then, passive voice...Ex; Inspiration flows out of me without ceasing"
And I think your ending would make more of a statement if you used less words...Ex: Generations will hear of their ancestors achievements, smiling to themselves,knowing in their hearts
we couldn't of made it without their ...Just an observation. Anyway...Good writing1!Good Luck! Also, I have a couple of pieces, you might be interested in..I'd appreciate your critique. "The Journey" and "Famine in Africa" Peace and Blessings! Kjo
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