Your first attempt at poetry produced a beautifull written expose' on that elusive thing we call love.
I loved the tone and flow of your words.
Your words were rich and lush and ladened with emotion.
It had just the right amount of ryhme which gave credence to the rhythm of your poem, reading, nearly like a song.
The substance of your poem is supported by the line "behold the beauty that was me."
I love the stanza " I saw the blooming flowers there...
their radiant hues and graceful sway..."
Nothing but good to say
No suggestions for improve,ment. Well done. Poem on and Peace. Kjo
You have a very nice beginning here.
What made it difficult for me was its format and lack of punctuation.
I believe if you broke your poem up...say into parts with the "chours" so-to-speak in between each part, it would be easier to read, thus, grasp the essence of what your poem is really about. The repitive use of "dissipating for evermore,into an ending nothingness, as though but a vapor." obvious has some significance...but as the reader its not revealed very effectively.
Punctuation is very useful, and you didn't use any. I think it would bring some power and pressence to your words.
And finally, dissipating...just seems harsh in comparision to the pleading voice and words of the narrator.
Over all, excellent beginning. The erros are minor and easily addresed, if you choose. Poem on! and Peace. Kjo
That was a hoot! It was written exceptionally well and I swear you were talking about me as I walked towards that good looking Italian guy.
It was entertaining and humorous and lively.
I could see you short skitting that at comendy central! 4 real!
I didn't see any mistakes...or perhaps it was because of the tears in my eyes from laughing...you had me rolling. Ooops, I lied...I did spot on error..."Your going to mad as hell."
Write on! and Peace.Kjo
The last stanza was a clincher for me. Very powerfully said by using words of equal power and pressence.
Overall, your poem makes an important statement, but it didn't flow as well as it could...the tone was off mark by a little. Just editing or exchanging one word for another would help. Your statement is strong...all your words need to be strong as well.
"i" should always be "I" and "fiends" do you mean "friends"?
These are minor errors. easily addressed. Write on and Peace.Kjo
Excellent poem...chilling and haunting, much so because there is an element of truth...and that's just darn creepy.
Your words were forboding and enticing....such is the nature of sin, guilt/remorse, the evil within...
Something is up with your pattern...its just a mechanical error within the staic itme you created...that threw off your poem's pattern.
And they only suggestion that I have about content is:
In the first stanza:
Can you not feel me? so close to you, so near
the void within your heart that feeds upon your fear
I'm right here within you, your deepest darkest place
I'm the sin you once committed and can't erase."
In keeping up with the tone of your poem...I think "can not" might work better than "can't" but this is minor and its a personal thing.
Overall...very nice...you've captured the conflict and turmoil very nicely! Poem on and Peace.Kjo
I was scanning the reviewers page and saw this...read your comments and thought I'd give it a whirl. Your writing hasn't disappointed me yet.
However, please be aware that I am not familiar with a Lenten exercise. I can only comment on its tone/flow/content/imagry, ect. What I did discover is: that it has 22 stanzas, three each and each of those three lines rhyme.
Your "lenten exercise" certainly supports a great chapter in biblical history...with the persecution of Jesus.
It was beautifully retold in poetic form. With a wonderful tone of passion and lament.
I especially liked "They nailed him to a cross and raised it high, a crude description to identify the king they were about to crucify.
And also "a vengeful wind whips up the desert sands...."
Your words were compelling with a balance of supplication and remorse. Well done. Write on and Peace. Kjo
Is seems I've been clicking on a lot of stories about vampires lately...I'm feeling guite queasy! :)
Anyway, you have the makings of a good short story. It has poetential to be suspensful.
It just had a lot of mistakes that got in the way of the read.
In my humble opinion:
"...cold and lifeless crumbled on..." missing a nonun/pronoun?
"The sky blue uniform he wore, was..."
'hardenas" harden as?
"A slight red mine..." ?
"...but the quickly darted in to."
"turnes." turns?
"....motioned to the boy to so as well."
These are errors, easily addressed if you so choose. Good luck and Peace. Kjo
You short story was presented with the innocence of your young character Mibosi and with charm. It was captivating and unique. Foot gazing...I didn't know there was so much to learn by foot gazer. I love its originality!
Young Misobi's shocking discovery is revealed to the readers...but not entirely to Misobi...that was perfect and craftly written!
I did, however spot a few errors: "glow of the beauty that God had instill into the world." Did'nt seem consistent with therest of language...maybe "..to bask in the glow of the beauty that God created>' or "...that God gave usto admire?' just a thought or two.
"Her favorite hobby." came from no where, needs introducing because it is the "catalyst" of your short story. She gazes around at her people and decides to spend her time feet gazing, her favorite hobby." Something like that.
"upto" up to.
These are just minor errors easily addressed.
You have a beautiful story in the making ... one that uncovers/suggest a very immediate/problematic issue facing Africa today. One that is of genocide and carnage if not addressed. You've done it poignantly.
Good luch. Peace.kjo
It's suspenseful and engrossing. Your character development and dialogue are well done.
There were a few minor mistakes. in the sentence that begins with "A minute after he left the car park and...."restucture for clarity.
"lugs" do you mean lungs?
"pail hand." do you mean pale?
"Get ident here straight away." For the reader who doesn't no police/det. language...explain "ident."
otherwise great job! I liked it. And I was captivated and intrigued to continue reading.
The small errors are easily addressed. Good luck! and Peace.kjo
You have a well crafted story here. it is engaging and compelling. Full of lush language and heady descriptions. I especially liked "...as time passed and the morning elasped..." and ,"...nothing to whisper about..." and ...boots made soft impressions on the damp grass." Your attention to detail is admirable.
However, your story wasn't without errors: in my humble opinion:
I can't envision a creek "crashing" over stones. Creek seems rather timid for crash.
"...breathing its last and dying out.' missing a word or two?
"To the right,(period)
"It was slower work getting the flock back,now on a full stomach, but still time....to fill his aching stomach." full or not? just a little unclear.
did you mean "leaped" or "leapt"?
"Man's skill."
Also, it would be very effective if you used a word to sound out the scream.
Just a few suggestions meant only to be helpful.
other wise. I enjoyed your story. I wrote a piece...about the same era as yours...though a different genre..if you are so inclined to read and review "A Place To Rest." thanks in advance. Good luck and Peace. Kjo
You have a written a beautiful story of love in all its pain and all its glory. It is neither perfect nor flawed.
Their really wasn't much character development or dialogue to consider, just the narrator replaying a image of two lovers who didn't quite get what it means to have found such glorious love.
You words were written to captivate and engage. You did that well.
I have no suggestions and I found no errors. Peace. Kjo
You have written a powerfull and poignant story. It grabbed my attention from the very first sentence and help on to me throughout.
It was beautifully written. I didn't see one mistake!
You characterization and dialouge was well developed and engaging.
I especially loved the lush language and the imagry you created for the reader...""...the stifling scent of millions of ancient fish....punched me in the face."
"....night had long fallen...and guilt had settled on my heart."
Well done. Bravo! My only suggestion is...put spaces between each new paragraph and between each new dialogue. Write on and peace. Kjo
Your poem has potential. I rated it low because, while it was written perfectly, with little to no errors in grammar/punctuation/spelling ect. It lacked passion for me.
You write of this Love, but I just didn't feel it.
It was rather ordinary.
It seemed that you were more concerned with ryhme then you were imagry/flow/energy. Poetry needs elements of imagry/personification/alliteration/allegory...ect.
But you know that! As I said...you have the ability...you've proven that...now just make it memorable! And truly, this review is meant only to be helpful!Good luck and Peace. Kjo
An emotional piece. Short however. So there's not a lot to review. What little you wrote, was written with the pride you felt in your fellow neighbors who came to salute their fallen solider.
I would only say that breaking up the paragraphs with a space would make it easier to read. And the only real error/issue was the shift in the second parag. the begins with "It just so happens..."
Write on! and Peace. Kjo
You have a very fine story in the makings.
Excellent character development and dialogue. It is compelling and intriguing.
I can see it's unfinished but write on! You have a great beginning.
However, it wasn't without errors. In my humble opinion mostly in sentence structure/punctuation and typos:
"With an air of a joke that is quite totally...."
"I'll write and editorial..."
"That night, Jeremy lay in bed next to Rose. Her chin...."
"Hes never paid a penny..." He's
These are minor errors, easily addressed. I look forward to the completed version. Good Luck and Peace. Kjo
You have weaved a first rate horror story here. I'm afraid to sleep now for fear I might have dreams....
Seriously though...it was very good. Excellent character development.
The build up of suspense was well done. I liked the idea of the diary enteries. Very clever and imaginative. Great, no, superb writing.
I would of rated it 5stars but your story, while very good, wasn't without errors. Especially in the last few paragraphs. But also a few throughout, mostly in sentence structure.
"A woman who had always show remarkably pleasant...unfortunately..." restructure for clarity.
"If it were not for the extra help ...super...sent, we may have we have..."
"As it stands,"
These slight errors are easily addressed.
Otherwise, excellent job! Good luck and Peace. Kjo
I liked your short story it had some wonderful moments of clarity and honesty.
It was compelling and sad and a shame that you were shown no loved, or encouragement. I'm surprised you loved your brother so much considering he got his and your share of the love.
Overall, well done and well written with a few exceptions: The following sentences either are fragmented or need to be rewritten becccuase they are vague or awkward.
"Our home situated....and we bred..." subject/verb issue.
"...on cold winter days...the delightful smell..."
Never allowed to help in the kitchen...."
Character developemnt is great (of course!) and the dialoge, what little there was, was done exceptionally well.
Overall impression..Well done. The few errors are easily addressed if you so choose. Write on! Peace. Kjo
A ballad indeed! Nicely done. I especially liked "...they walked on courageously 'cross hills and over banks." Loved that line.
I only have a couple of suggestions, in my humble opinion, in the second stanza, second line, you used "Out" twice...
And in the sentence beginning with "Five little boys glanced at the sun..." didn't seem to support the overall tone. And same with the sentence that begins with "Four little boys marched..."
Hey...don't be discouraged by the low rating. You have the makings of a very fine story here. It needs some work however.
In my humble opinion: I felt the narrator just rambling from scene to scene. There was a lot of characters...which is ok. However their purpose or validation to the plot or theme was not very clear...As a reader and as your story unfolded, I was left wondering. Its the narrator's responsibility to support the plot, theme, subject. It was vague and unclear at times.
I thought your strongest scenes came when the narrator talked about mom and dad (done poignantly and with passion).
And then just a few mistakes in structure:"...same dull to me." and "I guess that's what is dose to you."
Of course all that i mentioned are only suggestions. And they are easily addressed if you so choose.
Over all, a rough draft of what could be a good solid story. Write on! Peace. Kjo
Very heart-warming. Compelling and I had such a "feel-good' feeling as I was reading.
I love the character Bertha! Sounds like a wonderful/wise and loved woman who can throw down some food!
Over all great charaterization and full of energy.
I would just say, that in the sentence that has "...then it expands." you could remove "then".
And the references to "Place of Time and Hard Work." "Other Place" and "Hard Work" was a bit annoying to me as a reader because you teased me and yet didn't deliver. I would suggest the narrtor either explain or describe or just omit. But these are small matters in the scheme of things! Easily addressed.
Very nice! Rich and heavy-ladened with poignant language. It had a certain eloguent flow...a nice "stream of consciousness" if you will.
The only part that just didn't work for me was "twitter." I can only say...it didn't seem to stay true to the rest of the language that was used in the poem...it seemed like...for lack of better choice..it rhymed.
Otherwise, beautiful! Poem on. Peace! Kjo
Don't be discouraged by the low rating. I rated it low because it needs work.
You have the makings of a good short story here. Stories about grandparents are always entertaining and insightful. Yours too. However, it wasn't without errors.
You story didn't seemed to support the title. I kept waiting for the tune down by the river, which didn't happen until the last couple of sentences.
Weave it sooner into your story...perhaps start your story with the ending scene then remember.
Also, the laguage the narrator speaks isn't believable...the narrator shouldn't try talking like grandpa...use the words and language and slang when grandpa is talking or reminicsing. for instance, when narrator uses words such as must've or everythin'.
The other few errors are in sentence structure. In my humble opinion: in the sentence that begins with "...Not ever, in all the years I've..." rewrite for clarity.
First line:"...At first, one wouldn't think....o' ol grandpa..." ? do you mean of ol grandpa?
Over all...the making of a nice story. Good luck with your revisions if you choose to do them. Write on! Kjo
A fantasticlly written tribute to you and to your black sisters and brothers. A Celebration of who you are.
Also a cry out against societies "ideas" of who you are and how, oftentimes, one singular black person carries the whole weight of their community on their shoulders.
I especially liked the 3rd stanza...becasue you are embracing you and at the sametime announcing with pride, that the real you, lives within.
I liked your short story. It was a "personal appreciation." because I could relate to the area in which your story was told...I'm intimately familiar with san jaun islands, vancouver..., gray whales the drizzel, gray sky...rain and rain. So that was a plus for me.
It was scientific yet believable. Your language, though technical at times...was easily understood. Nice!
I would suggest that you consider rewriting the sentence that begins with ..."Egan approached the..." a bit vague/awkward structure.
Is "scratchily" a word? and rickety steel table seemed a bit peculiar...maybe chrome?
Oh. and if you separate your paragraphs, your story would be easier to read and easier on the eyes." Other wise...nice job! Write on! Good Luck! Peace. Kjo
Overall, you have a lot of great ideas, experiences and lessons that you share with the reader. They are all valid and valuable.
I would only say...that if you want to keep this in poetry format...its a bit long...so you might want to edit some words...or try breaking up the sentences into stanzas with breaks between to give the reader a pause
Or you could consider putting your lessons in story format where the reader is less concerned with "formatting" and rhyme and tone ect. and concentrates on content. Just a few humble suggestions :) Peace. Kjo
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