What a terrible fate...to know prophecy and know it involves you.
Very short, but it tells a lot in a small space.
I was left with one question? How come Henery didn't die...if he too saw the assain's face? Just wondering. Also, in my humble opinion...just a few suggestions:1st Sentence..."...as it truly was." isn't needed. Nor is "became" Two bullets lodged inside me."
is sufficent.
You could delete "...I knew it." I was dying." has more impact. All in all, just minor suggestions.
Good job. Write on! Peace. Kjo
Excellent! Very well written (no suggestions from me for improvements) and nearly perfect! Your short story is full of symbols and irony and it was clever. I liked how you weaved the story around your manuscript that was stolen for evidence. It was straight-forward in its tone and you created interest for the reader with the dreams. I enjoyed the read. Good Job. Write on! Peace. Kjo
Nicely done. A sensual poem tastefully written. Great imagry. That a bath could be likened to a sexual experience...without actually saying it, means the author can write! I would only say that you might want to cap. your i and "lovers hand" is possessive, so it should have a 's. Otherwise Great job. Good Luck! Good writing. Peace. Kjo
It read very well and was nearly error free.
Just a few humble suggestions:
"Gods fury." should be "God's fury"
"drops of tears" should be drop of tears (tears suggest more then one.)
And finally, perhaps a period at the end of each stanza rather then a comma... there's a lot of commas.
Oter wise, it was a beautifully written poem.
Good luck! Good writing! Peace...Kjo
Your short story is an amazing read! Such beautiful language, lush and vivid.
I really like how the content of the story "plays" on the title, which suggests dark to light....yet the light(the promise)in the beginning was really the lie (dark) and then the narrator (solider) really comes in to the "light". Well done.
I also liked the line "rose from the fire light as a tune" yet, I was thinking "as a melody" would keep in step with the lushness of the tone and of the language. Just a meer observation...Also, in the line "There are no guarantees in promises" I thought there are no guarantees." would be more powerful.
Anyway...whether you choose to make those changes or not...it doesn't change how great your story is.
Well written. Kept my interest. I wanted to know...the promise! The fact that he was a solider unveils a lot about the character at the end. Good Luck! Good writing! Peace. Kjo
Well writen interesting era's piece. I didn't love it, however just because it's not my genre of taste, however, it did keep my interest, and I did enjoy the read.
The dilouge was well crafted and believable. I liked the charaters. Excellent job in recreating the era's maid language( which is a difficult feat in itself) You mastered it well!
Mechanics...overall well written...I just have a few suggestions.... "dream had become a nightly ordeal she suffered through" Ordeal and suffer...seems the same...
One paragraph had an overuse of the word "that" It was in the paragraph right before the scene of the sisters picking out the ball gown.
And finally, one other confusion..."Though she had not forgotten either." (sorry, forgot where I read that) Anyway, well done.
Good Writing! Good Luck! Peace and Blessings. Kjo
Your first verse/stanza is excellent..To me, that seemed finished. It flowed smoothly and it was visually appealing. I saw only one mechanical error..."What" should be "What's"?
Your 2nd verse/stanza was not as fluid as the first. It was wordy...less is more at times. In the Line beginning with To, you used "to" four times. So, rework the second stanza and edit out some words. It'll help tremdously.
The final three, read better then the 2nd but not as good as the 1st. All though you used less words...they seemed abiguous. Honestly, the first one was excellent and, finished...I think...Keep writing. Peace and Blessings! Kjo
This is an endearing tribute to all those courageous men and women before you.
Black men and women who saw that oppresion was injustice. Who had a dream and looked for solutions to the "racial problem" that faced America, but Americans denied.
This was well written. Full of your passion and respect.
Just a few suggestions: Maybe it would be even more powerful to put it in active, rater then, passive voice...Ex; Inspiration flows out of me without ceasing"
And I think your ending would make more of a statement if you used less words...Ex: Generations will hear of their ancestors achievements, smiling to themselves,knowing in their hearts
we couldn't of made it without their ...Just an observation. Anyway...Good writing1!Good Luck! Also, I have a couple of pieces, you might be interested in..I'd appreciate your critique. "The Journey" and "Famine in Africa" Peace and Blessings! Kjo
Well, interesting piece. Obvious, you are either txt msging over the cell phone or you are on-line via internet. Overall, I think your short story is believable. I think this is how teenagers really do talk to each other.
I also think that your subjects of converstaion are believable. I would say that you have a flavor for writing dialogue...and dialogue is difficult. You approached it well.
I would like to make some small suggestions. Your short story is dotted with grammatical mistakes and errors. Even within the context of your "msging" you have to help your reader understand. Some of your abbreviations are too ambiguous..."LMFAO" "Beyas IM" ect.
While, the content is totally suited for teenagers...is your target audience only teens? Food for thought.
Anyway...keep trying...distance yourself from your piece and then edit and rewrite...this has potential..Good Luck! Good Writing! Peace and blessings! Kjo
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