This is a sad account. But its relevant today. Many soldiers of the US and elsewhere have guilt and some even kill themselves because the pain is so unbearable inside. How would you feel if you had to kill someone even women and children like the protagonist does in your story? Could you give the order to another person to kill someone?
Flash fiction is very hard to properly because you have to fit in all the needed elements in such a small space. The very beginning when the boy tells the shrink he has a reoccurring dream, I was curios to know it, but I wanted even more to get the deep meaning to it. I found that there was no important truth or mysterious quality to the meaning though. Try using deeper symbolic content into a different dream; something more obscure. Wrote on man!
I like the metaphor of the monster. From the title I thought it was literal. Another good idea you displayed that was expressed in the second to the last stanza. It reiterates the old adage "what goes around comes around." Great poem!
I love this poem. You have fluency and good metaphors. This is intellectually stimulating and so beautifully written! Despite how good this was made, I don't fully understand it. Is it about the poor and prosperous peoples roles being switched?
The words and the image metaphor of a candle is beautiful, I'm not quite sure what you're alluding to. Does the candle represent emotion and how they are hard to control? Also referring to the lasts stanza, are you describing your emotions as a force that comes and goes? This poem quickly and concisely gives us a small window into your feelings. Nice. BTW, what is a proletarian? Have a happy WDC birthday!
This a classic premise of man and machine. Like you pointed out we are becoming more and more dependent on technology. Remember Y2K? it caused nation wide panic. I'm not sure how long it will take for humans be totally reliant on robots though. But something like a country wide black out is relatively feasible. Nice science fiction based on a popular subject!
I can really relate to this. I was so fascinated with not only ants but other insects too. I like how Myra follows her passion. Most people never find their passion in life or lose interest in it as they get older. When I was younger I was interested in biology. My mom got me several insect books; the kind that pop out. As I got older I drifted away from that field and now I find myself in the realm of writing. I was very good with words in school. Not really stories but more essay type writing. Great story.
I like the transition in this poem. It starts out so horribly somber and hopeless with gritty emotion so brutally painful but ends in realization of a better world. To me life is like this, but it alternates from time to time. Like they say "life is what you make it"
This was an emotionally rendered story. You really evoked some angry feelings for Charles. Despite its overall good quality I would change a few things. Just small thing at the beginning simply change this - He was a young boy Hispanic boy, about eight, maybe nine years,.-into this
He was a young Hispanic boy maybe about eight to nine years old.
One other small thing I would have liked would be to establish who Cecilia is before describing her.
I love your multiple imagery and descriptions that you use to portray your feelings! I especially like the ending where you say-
Ancestor secrets often told
as spirit whispers along the road
imprinting the way
imprinting our say.
Hold on, to this moment
hold on fast.
With these souls, we're freed...to last
Hold on, to this heart
this is the moment we never part.
It gives me an image of how love can be a fleeting thing and that you can't grasp it forever. I also like how you speak of love in future, present and past tenses. Nice music!
I feel so so bad for Eveline. Forgive me for not catching this, but did she runaway or get kicked out of her home? The beginning kind of confuses me. I really thought that there would be a happy ending to this but she kills herself after all. One thing that makes this so pleasantly melancholy is the shortness of it. It makes it feel like her whole life is simply destitute. You really grabbed me.
This is such a gem of a poem. Its short but it completely makes an adoring impact. I like the message of hope and love hat is given and the innocent element that really warms my heart. I hope this message from heaven is deeply appreciated! Its nice to know that children who pass away live on in heaven and that if we have the right kind of faith we will certainly see them again. Thanks for such a touching and inspiring poem!
I love how you describe how the two girls are such a wonderful and close pair. Asha's personality is reflected in her love of firearms. It defiantly brings out her more aggressive nature than Bambi's. I'm more of a praising person than a suggestion/corrector so I don't have any advice to give you. It was all good to me! I'll be back to read what has befallen Bambi. Happy WDC birthday!
Growing up can be so brutal, especially for those who are outcasts. I tried to be cool once by being a certain way but I didn't like it. The truth is that we are all equal and made in God's image. And as such we all have inborn intrinsic value. Feeling better than others is self deceptive. Its whats on the inside that counts. We've all heard it before but guess what; its true! Thanks for the narration! You really illustrated this point to the T!
Your own experience of life is quite typical. For some people it appears that the whole world is ending at times. I find my strength with God. People usually come to God at their wits end when there is nothing left to turn to. Psychologists handle this complex all the time. You're not alone.
I'm not a love story person by a long shot but this was enthralling! You described her emotions so well that I hung on every word. This story really made me smile. I felt so sorry for her being so desperately i want of companionship. I congratulate you on such immersing narration we see go on in her head. You truly deserve the awardicon! And have a blessed WDC birthday!
I like your take on the classic "dying in my arms" theme. Like what you mentioned sometimes suicide goes through heart of the one watching his or her loved one die. In my opinion its possible to love somebody too much. People are unstable and so are their emotions. Nice poem!
I think your story was full of wonderful and mystifying description. It had a very somber melancholy tone to it; perfectly suiting the story. The pervading emotion left me forlorn and at a loss at the end. Great job for this! One small little thing I enjoyed was the dialog. It was short and I think more would make this even better! Forgive me for not picking this up but why id Beezer immune to the dead spirits?
This poem is very beautiful. You really catch the typical nervous tension one has feeling from another. The person wants to express him or herself but can't. The last two stanzas were particularly beautiful. Great job with the metaphors! Have a happy WDC birthday!
Before i start withteh more prevalent and entertaining aspects that you so successfully drew out I just wanted to address some small errors that are easily corrected. The little fixes I made are between dashes.
-For the bellow sentence simply use a different word than "sightlessly" Its a little obscure. I think a good replacement would be "glassy eyed."-
He stared sightlessly with dark brown eyes at the western horizon.
-And for this sentence just use "wiping" instead of "swiping"-
swiping his hand across his forehead.
-For this just leave out involuntarily simply because its understood. No biggie.-
He involuntarily cried out in pain
-Fir this one I think the word you were looking for is "scrambling'-
The scrabbling sound from the vent grew louder
-Finally the last suggestion I have is just a tiny thing at the very end of this sentence. Just swap "in puzzlement" with "puzzled"-
The kid tapped some keys, “about a click underground, sir?” The kid looked up at his commanding officer in puzzlement.
Now that the quarky little annoying stuff is taken care of I happily move on to the more recognizable and commendable stuff!
I love how your story as so easy to follow. Another thing you did very well is making a clear mental picture of everything. Use this to your advantage! You also have a good sense of description. If you just clean this up just a tad it could have been better! Have a happy WDC birthday!
what a great short story! It made me laugh. I could just see Bernie stumbling everywhere. I liked how you wrapped things up so succinctly with a nice ending. Your story was easy to follow. The dialog was in perfect balance. i could tell who was talking and who was being talked about. I just hope that Bernie won't make anymore mistakes later on! Great story!
Thank you for bearing your soul's deepest torments with the WDC community. There's actually allot of people in your shoes. Most people would just give up but you have the inner strength to continue. I really think you should start producing some poetry from your feelings. With poetry, sadness is a common focus and it might even help. God bless you!!
I can relate to this. My grandpa took the role that June had. He was always the center of attention. He was loud, boisterous and charismatic. He love talking about sports, politics and finances. He died of cancer and all of my extended family on my grandpas' side were deeply afflicted as well as some on my dad's side. I deeply miss him. Thanks for sharing.
I know you probably have already been told this, but this as a very inspiring. This story brings to mind the scripture verse that says "all things happen for good for everyone who loves God and are called according to His purpose." Its kind of funny; but about two days ago my mom and I gave some money to a Christian brother down on his luck. Your story was very touching. God bless!
What a brutal display of raw tormented emotion. Sometime our hearts betray us and is the very cause of the suffering within us. You have a very complex emotional fortitude. By this I mean that you ponder things on a on a very deep yet open manner. HAve a happy WDC birthday!
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