There are so many words I could use to describe this poem. Its' so intricate and the emotions are very well evoked. I did get a little overwhelmed as to what was being said and about whom. Even though some of it was slightly over my comprehensions, every part of it was beautiful. Nice work!
Man! Talk about depressing. Sometimes a little sadness makes you think . It can be very sobering as well. This kind of writing hints at the "Meaning of life" dilemma man has been struggling with forever. It also reminds me of how money does not satisfy the longing of inner peace we all have. Without inner peace, I'd probably snap out of existence too.
This was a tale of the senses. Unfortunately for me I react to content and story line however. I was not drawn in by your use of the four senses though it was impeccable. Hence I will give you a five. The average population would be enthralled by your work. Nice job!
The sacrifice of God is foretold with gold, frankincense, and myrrh
So the Salvation of Humanity can occur.
and-
On that Day when THE CHRIST comes to bring US HOME
With unbound joy we gather around the THRONE in glowing raiment
We fully realize the promise of Advent !
I might as well say the whole poem is may favorite part for that matter. Your boldness and faith is refreshing. Write on!
"Life is a journey enjoy the ride." This little saying hold the same connotations as your own metaphor. I agree with you totally that change is hard and we sometimes yearn for the "good old days" The truth is that we only think of the good part of the past. We forget that living our precious memories means reliving the heartache as well. It just isn't worth it. You're quite insightful.
This has been a Dream Team member to member review. Write on fellow member!
This was an entertaining and lovely poem. I'm not used to free verse or whatever non-rhyming form this is called. I like how the element that drives the story is simply the changes that happen in in time. Also like the happy ending is graceful and quite nostalgic. Excellent piece of work!
Before I get to the good stuff, permit me to give some suggestions that in my opinion could be changed. What you wrote is in parentheses and my suggestion are above them.
This seems to be awkward. I would have wrote "As sat in the living room and enjoyed my Corn Puffs, I quickly swallowed the last of the milk and threw the bowl in the sink." Do you see how everything is in one tense and it is simple to follow?
(Sitting in the living room watching cartoons, I savored the sugary taste of the corn puffs. Swallowing the milk down, I threw the bowl toward the sink.)
For this one I think "scamming" should be "scheming."
(I knew he was scamming up something).
Here you have two irrelevant things. You say you both live close to school but where you went is unrelated. I think you're trying to say that the road is close to the school. Also I would change the last part to "we made our way down and across the road.
(Living close to the school, we made our way down the road and across the road.)
Here just capitalize the name Mike.
(Immediately mike went to an outside window and opened it.)
For the one bellow the man abruptly changes attitudes from angry to friendly. Maybe you could show him cooling down and talk with the protagonist.
(The man just laughed. "Do the crime, do the time!"
"Don't worry man; no-one will mess with you. This is something we have to do. Here you have to wear these clothes while you are here." He handed me some jeans and a t-shirt.)
This one seems to contradict itself. If they paid no attention to him how could they look at him?
(A couple of the guys looked at me, but paid no attention.)
Now to the stuff I liked. It was good how you show the self talk of a thug and how he thinks. You also did one thing that is important for a story which is the change of the individual that comes at the end. That was very good. Keep writing!
This poem was wonderfully ominous and alluring. Your metaphors and such are so painfully vivid. Although I didn't see exactly what it was about I still enjoyed it very much. Tell me it describes. Is juts plain death or something abstract? Once again, good writing.
No poem can do justice to how it really fells to be autistic I imagine. I have a mental affliction too which is Schizophrenia. It's something you have experience for yourself . I applaud you for sharing. I feel for you when you speak of our fear. I was constantly frightened until I got on a drug that was a life savor. I hope you find a remedy to your fear like I did . God bless.
This had such beautiful flow and is very consoling. It reminds me that God is always near and intends to give only the best for us. It brings to mind that verse that says "Am I God that is near and not a God far off?" I may be paraphrasing. Once again, you have a very beautiful piece of work. Have a great week fellow Dream Team member.
Unfortunately what I just typed was lost because of a log in error. I basically said that you did a good job considering the word limit. I also liked how it was funny. It was a humorous little epitaph that was a jewel of a story. Nice work. I congratulate you forbeing part of WDC for yet another year!
One thing that you have with this beginning chapter is that it's easy to follow. Everything unfolds nicely. I have a suggestion. This comes across as a narrative. The beginning should set the plot and introduce the main character. Also the end of the chapter should have a hook to spurn people to read on. I would try making the ending more provocative. If it was me, I would end it with something interesting that comes right out of the blue that is interesting.
P.S. This review was done to celebrate you being part of the WDC community for another year Happy WDC birthday!!
Hmm...maybe you should patent your invention and got to a clothes company; perhaps to khakis. Dude this was totally funny. It all ran smoothly with perfect rhyme scheme. I'll run you by an idea. How does meat juice cocktail sound? No? Yes? Once again you made me lol. This was well put together.
As a fellow Christian I was captivated by the beauty of this poem. It makes me think of Gods' grace and the glorious reality of eventually going to heaven to be with Jesus. I have a poem in my highlighted items called "Creations' Mystery." You might like it . So how long did it take you to write this poem?
On element that is needed for a childrens' story is an easy plot with easy to understand character personalities. You had both. What is your age target area? Is it like what Harry Potter was geared toward? I'd just be careful not to go over the audiences head. Anyway I hope you found my review encouraging. Write on my fellow Dream Team member !
Teacher problems huh? I've heard of it but have never experienced it. I've always gotten along with my teachers. The teacher you described sounds like a head case. Nice touch using old English speaking. This was funny and wonderfully illustrates the teacher. One thing that I would have changed was the meter or syllable fluidity. That's just me. God work.
What a funny story. So Alec switched bodies with the vulture? You ended the story very nicely. The idea of switching bodes is an old idea, but you did it with an animal; and what an animal to choose. Just out of curiosity, we'll ever realize teleporting? (Did I spell that right?) BTW, I'm reviewing works by people in the Dream Team group. Just a heads up.
A very entertaining story. I loved the element of the evil world the protagonist talks about and briefly visits. It's very mysterious adn I want to know more about how it looks, feels and how she reacts to it. The only typo I found was in the one below-
(All I heard was some people talk and I was got up then a sudden rush of cold air...)
I think it should have read.-
(All I heard was some people talk and after I had gotten up, a sudden rush of cold air... )
Oh and one tiny think I'd suggest is to put more believable emotions into her reactions to these encounters. She seems too calm. Other than that, I totally loved it. Keep writing.
Not to state the obvious, but I like the introspection of this poem of hurt and healing. I myself am shy and introspective. Although I didn't catch what person was was afflicted with, exactly, but my "shame" came from my low self esteem. However, as with the person in this poem, I grew out of it. Nice poem.
What a captivating story and so suspenseful. You had me entertained the whole way through. Perhaps if you were to tell this story to a group of Cub Scouts around a fire, it would surely give them jitters. So you actually published this? I envy you; it's what we all want. Great read!
I like how the person spoken of is so introspective. She portrays strength and fortitude. Instead of drawing inward, she reaches out to others. She describes something that plagues all of us writers; how to persevere no matter how one feels at the time. She feels the torment but pushes through. Powerful
You know I just saw something on the science channel about a house that had a massive rat infestation in their attic. But at least it wasn't spider epidemic. I can't imagine the smell of cooked rat. To fight nature with nature, it might have been an idea to deploy a group of big snakes. Who knows, it may work! Thanks for sharing this childhood memory.
What a sweet poem. When I was reasing it, I was expecting a sad ending. In the end it was blissfully happy. It makes me smile when I look at the last word of the poem; Forevermore. I'm not romance person bur this touched me. Good work.
What a powerful pervasive poem. I forget what this kind of poetry format this is. What is it called? Anyway it was arranged beautifully. Although it was slightly hard for me to comprehend. I enjoyed the poem nonetheless. I'm used to regular poetry. I can't imagine doing such a poem. It would look horrendous! Its' very beautiful. It certainly deserves that awardicon. Is this about the feelings that go on in a broken relationship?
Unfortunately I gave a good comprehensive review but it got lost due to a page error so I'll just paraphrase. Great job, most enthralling. It was very mystifying. One thing I'd like to see is a little bit of Norse myth. You may already have something, I haven't checked. So is this an entire paraphrase or did you put your own spin on it?
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