Forgive me for not getting your whole poem, but is this about a child who is still born from his mothers' womb and shortly after the mother dies too? Although I might not have understood the whole thing , you use very potent words and your poem must be good considering the two high ratings. Likewise I want to give the same. Happy WDC birthday.
This is an imaginative story. I have one question though; are Kityashi and Darion dragons or humans? I ask because the main character, who is the son of Kityashi and Darion, rides on a horse. You did a good job of hashing out an entertaining short narrative. I like the idea of different realms. I use the same element. It seems very nostalgic to me. In any case, I wish you a happy WDC birthday and happy holidays!!
I like the metaphor of the inner self as being a white ball and the evil that exists in the world as a red ball. Your poem is good but the meter is irregular for me when reading it the first time through. I had to read it out loud for everything to flow. I found the second to the last stanza to be very creative and illustrative. Loved your poem! Happy WDC birthday and I hope you write a poem for Christmas. I think it would be nice. Kudos!
Before I start I want to give you some suggestions. One is to break the text into paragraphs or stanzas as this seems more like a poem. Doing this will help readers like me to put together and retain the content as well a bring out the points you're making. My second suggestion is to change the rating. I think any strong language warrants at least a 13+ or higher. You really do bare your soul. I can feel your anguish, anger and fear as well. I'm sorry that you've gotten such a bad hand from life. I hope this cheers you up. Happy WDC birthday!
One thing that I need to learn from Alex is planing my week. I have a weekly planer but I don't use it. I want to start today though. I also find that Alex is a perfectionist. He logs and examines every little thing. One thing I want to know is what became of the girl he was talking to. I also like the point you made at the end of the story. Happy WDC birthday and have a happy holiday!
This would make a good children's story. It very charming and whimsical. Is that the target you're going for? The ending got me confused. It sounds like Mr. Fish is outside because you say he was looking down at Mr Trout on the bank. Is Mr. Fish in the air? Also what was Mr. Fishes catch? I'd try rewording it, but that's just me. Anyway, I loved you short. Have a happy WDC birthday and happy holidays!!
I loved your poem! Its so beautiful and it wonderfully illustrates your point. I saw your pen name and was happy to find another kindred spirit. I really encourage you to take part in the Wonderland activity. You write great poetry, but I'd love to see what you could do in story form. God bless!
A classic story of young love. It's usually based on transient feeling. What we feel in our hearts can be very deceptive. Sometimes it's genuine but I think that in this case, it was just a romantic fling. I wonder how Janice will react.
P.S. This review was done on behalf of Anniversary Reviews celebrating another year with WDC. Happy birthday!
I like how you chose a little girl's imaginative point of view. Her innocence and curiosity is well portrayed. Man, if I were in her place I'd be ticked off at the tree. She's so patient and positive with the tree's attitude-something that a child could bare with. Happy WDC birthday!
Ocean City Maryland huh? That name just sounds like a great place to be. Maybe when I'm rich and famous from selling books I'll buy a condo there. Okay, neither of those two things will probably ever happen, but I still want to visit where you went. dolphins are neat. Thanks for sharing and have a Happy WDC birthday!
I honestly must say that this story kept my attention from stat to finish. With most stories I have to wait a paragraph or so to get interested. Also I think you made very good use with such a small writing space. It was interesting how you put some sci-fi luster into this realistic story. Great job.Happy WDC birthday!
This is very unique. I like how you focus more no feeling and notion than story line. It was very nostalgic. I found it captivating the way you described and likened the smallest detail. Your story was kind of spooky too. From my point of view, there were implications of ghosts. Your writing is very cryptic so I wasn't sure. Happy WDC birthday!!
Sweet poem. It almost made me cry. Was this based on anything true? It would have been hard if a little girl had to ironically experience such a loss at the time when people are supposed to be happy. But then again a small child probably wouldn't react as an adult would. She must have felt simple sadness when a grown up would have been devastated. Happy WDC birthday!!
This poem reminds me of my own walk with the Lord. Particularly when you said-
Our daily trials and tribulations are not a testament of failure,
But a stepping stone to greater love
That, without them, we couldn't know.
So please, don't go!
I have a severe anxiety problem and that's my main trial in life. But like the Bible says "Once we have been tried, we will come forth as gold." I think I paraphrased. Anyway this as a lovely poem and I wish you many blessings from God. Happy WDC birthday too!!
Wow. You got so much of what goes on in life at such a young age. I think the bond between parent and child is the strongest bond there is;even more than two people in love or a best friend or sibling. Thank you so much for baring your thoughts and emotions in such a sincere way! Oh, HAVE A HAPPY WDC BIRTHDAY!!! This review celebrates another year up to today that you joined. Congrats.
I really liked this poem. The words were perfect. To me this is better than a just over average rating. In my opinion, if you changed the eighth line that reads "Now I'm left in the dust" to something like- "Now my soul's turned to dust", "Now I lay in the dust" or something that evokes more emotion. This is just me of course. Like I said, this is beautiful. BTW, any time you want to talk or want more feedback just drop me a line. I'll hear from ya.
I like how you used rhyming in telling your story. I think its very creative how you mixed traditional story format and added the poem element to it. Your point really rings true. Money doesn't buy happiness. I wish you a happy WDC birthday. Have a good one!
I like how you show how easily a heart can be broken and stay that way. I've never been in a relationship so I can only speculate. She seemed to have conflicting emotions which I imagine would deteriorate anyone's life. Good job with the semi-happy ending! And have a great WDC birthday!
This was very beautiful. So is the painting a metaphor of his heart and feelings toward another in this person's life? Or is it just life in general? You have me curios. What does the crimson line represent? I like how you arranged your content in a sequence of culminating events that ends with melancholy blended with a little happiness. It was bitter sweet. Outstanding work.
Very curious little story. So the man is an elf right? As soon as you introduced the man I was curious as it went on. For a split second I had thought he might be crazy and bring out a gun! I wonder what will become of Francine after the princess receives the gift. Man, you have an uncanny ability to spark interest! You made quite an impact despite this being so short. Nice job.
Fear is a powerful emotion as anger is and your character was trapped by both of them. There is a peculiar peace and calmness to nature. I can see why something like that would help her. Man if only mental illness could actually be cured as easily!
Its very hard to make short story when you make it so short. Next time allow more space-if that's possible. You never said specifically who or what John is. Was he a wizard or some magical creature in disguise? Also, put spaces between paragraphs and dialog lines. A little fixing and this could be efficient story.
So is this basically a piece about life in general? It seems to portray, from my understanding, the basic tenets of the human heart and our desires. It almost reads like a story or a quickly fleeting memory. Although I didn't understand it all it sounds very good. It looks like it is also talking about romance a little too.
Funny stuff man. A stickler would criticize this as having no premise or characters or what have you. But this isn't a story its a message. Hence there's really no grounds to correct or give suggestions. Just praise. I found this quite amusing. The last four words at the end are quaintly humorous. "Long live the King." Good work. I did something similar when I first tried comedy for a contest. It ends with the protagonists and the antagonists mindlessly slaughtering each other. My last line was "Thousands perished. The end.
You made very good foreshadowing when one of the girls explains about the death of her deceased grand parents. What I think woulds make it better if you spread the explanation part spread out just a little into snip-its through dialog and thought. For instance you could have her talk about it little by little a things unfold. It was very enticing to read though. You really had me curios about the contents of the book from the dream she keeps having. You did exceptionally well wit the realization at the end. I also congratulate you putting so much into such a little amount of space. I find this hard to do. Have a happy WDC Birthday!
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