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Review of I am Data  
Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Sun*Hail Lukegoff!
*Bird*A "Game of Thrones"  Martell Sunspear Review just for you!*Sun*


I was lured by your title as it made me think of StarTrek and I am a fan! I think you have captured the essence of Data brilliantly and this was fun to read. I got a sense of his tone and logic as he tries to explain his understandings. Using ideas about him from the trek references and giving his voice to them is effective. The episode on whether he has rights and his creating a daughter seem to be referenced here. Good shows to reveal his voice as he tries so much to be like humans. *Thumbsup* I like the wisdom you give him about his daughter and what life means.

The story is told from the point of view of Data and is consisitent to the end. The language is appropriate for the sci fi theme and the android speech and knowledge. It helps show his character too. The voice is detached with no point of view of right or wrong about how he is treated or what might happen, yet one can sense an intention (we might call hope..but he is android so not sure what the word would be) for more in the future.

There was not indication of who he was talking to at the start, so I felt a disconnect when I got to, "so I make you." *Wink*

I think, in the last line "Its" needs to be "It"s" as you mean "It is.."

Thanks for sharing this accurate vision of Data. It is a lovely tribute to this special being.*Star*

*Sun*Highest regards and Light on the path as you Write on! *Sun*
eyestar

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Review of Endless Night  
Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Sun*Hail Keeper of the Realm!
*Bird*A "Game of Thrones"  Martell Sunspear Review just for you!*Sun*


This House of the Undying adventure is an impressive addition to the challenges of the Game of Thrones! The title is evocative and I jsut see us writing so many stories and story lines that it will seem neverending.. and Undying amount. *Laugh* It is a brilliant way to get teams writing together and getting to see each entry, as opposed to private campfires. The not tag back rules evens the field a bit more too than did the interactives. Lots of chances to block or ally as well for strategy purposes. *Smile*

The page is aesthetically pleasing..in it dark theme. The picture is creepy and the scorpion is a great symbol..as it can mean transformation, and isn't that your sign totem? *Wink*

The rules are clear and easy to follow, written in blood..er.. a brown readible font. The colour scheme adds to the overall balance of the page. The last rule adds clarity to rule 7, which I had to read a couple of times to understand.

The bolded bits are emphatic as they are indeed vital. I like the word "EVER"! LOL I like that our alternate players can write if tagged even if they are not on their active duty. *Thumbsup* It can make them feel part of the game, in case they do not get a call to step up. *Smile*

The rewards and points are set and really an author can earn a lot of points if they can write lots without ending a story. The possibilities for story lines are expansive when you tie in your other rules for how to enter the Undying Realm. *Shock*

The only thing you might add is the name of the Forest child who may be looking after this, in case of questions as it must be a big job looking after all the kingdom aspects. *Thumbsup*

Thanks for creating another world and tribute to your genius. *Starstruck*

*Sun*Highest regards and Light on the path as you Write on! *Sun*
eyestar

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Review of Cottingley Woods  
Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


*Sun*Happy day, Robert! *Sun*

*Bird*A "Game of Thrones"  Martell Sunspear Review just for you!*Sun*


Oh I found a dark supernatural, not gothic though. *Wink* The sonnet is an interesting choice for the theme and so like you to be outside the box. The title gives the place name so it gives it the significance of the setting.

The first verse drew me in as there is a fairy ring and I like fairies and you introduce the magical element of the poem right away. It is interesting you you name a fairy king, RON. It is so modern a name for a being. I had to smile.

The sonnet is well composed with an even flow and rhyme in the longer sentence structures. We sense the dark awaits yet Chris's character is shown well for his bravery and disregard for the warnings. It seems that his friend knows something he does not. The form of sonnet clues us in to a fate of some sort. The ending couplet appears a happy chance and yet answers to your opening verse of angering the king. You leave me pondering about this. The fairy could be his daughter. Well done with a bit of mystery too.

The contrast of dark and light is effectively played.

The only bit I had to reread to get a sense of were lines 3-4 in verse 2. I get "mindless myth"--he has his own way of thinking here and it is the myth that nothing would happen. *Thumbsup*. You seem to be personifying the myth so it dawns the day.... but then the word "to..." I lost the connection. Maybe it is grammar or I am just not getting it. I do see the picture that it sealed his fate... just the way it is written here had to stop me to reread. Good concept though. *Smile*

Another vivid drama showing your scope of form poetry crafting. Thanks for sharing!



*Sun*Highest regards and Light on the path as you Write on! *Sun*

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Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Sun*Hail Got Witch! Time for a treat!

*Bird*A "Game of Thrones"  Martell Sunspear Review just for you!*Sun*


Wowsers! Now here is a challenge that creates more chaos, fun and the unexpected for the Game Of Thrones. Your creative mind ahs struck gold again.

The Wheel of Torture page reveals the rules of the game of chance with clarity and it is easy to read and understand. The page is simply laid out and the wheel header is illustrative of the theme and adds an attractive colourful flair.

I like the adding of several wheels of increasing challenge and purpose. Opportunities for individuals, team mates, allied teams to do risky challenges for big points and even risk losses are listed under evocative names like Doom of Valyria. It adds variety, excitement and the unexpected to the game vibe. I am glad to see the choice to forfeit even with the penalty of not being able to roll for 72 hours., as some of the challenges are just out of the world! *Wink* For me anyway! The scope of the activities is wide and the notes are fun to read. Emoticons add to the drama too. Points are varied and it is fun to discuss the odds of a yes or no to the job.

I am curious as to what Valyria and Reek are. By the look of the challenges, they can't be good.
The links to scores and major posts at the bottom of the page is handy too.

This is a wonderful addition to the GOT and looks like you have your work cut out for you to keep it rolling! So a challenge for you too! *Laugh* Thanks Gabby for your genius.

*Sun*Highest regards and Light on the path as you Write on! *Sun*

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Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*Sun*Hail Prosperous Snow!
*Bird*A "Game of Thrones"  Martell Sunspear Review just for you!*Sun*


What a great title and so unique and intriguing a theme for an essay! Barbardos is one of the most popular places to go so the twist here about what not to do is cool!

While not written in an essay form the item is well documented and lists 19 things not to do! *Shock* Who knew? The structure is solid for a list and rationale for why the actions should not be done. It makes for an interesting read.

Some of the things are not things you would think about, like sitting under a coconut tree or wearing camoflauge. Your facts here are interesting. 150 people a year killed by coconut, makes me want to laugh but how serious! I laughed at your Monkey comment and the rum punch warning. The danger of snorkelling without a marker does make sense but you would really want to know the rules. Oh my gosh, I thought our mosquitos were annoying...these here would be terrifying. *Shock*

The list is amazing and a mix of practical, illegal and only in Barbados would it apply activities not to do. Thanks for the footnotes that explain more especially the notion of the Bearded Ones as folks might not know this.*Star*

The short intro invites us in and shares the intent and premise of the article. The ending is an invitation to have fun and be warned. I like the suggestion to take this list with us if we go there. It made me smile. I would not be likely to forget now I have read them. *Bigsmile*

Thanks for sharing this fun and informative read. Good to know as we usually hear about all the wonders of the island. *Starstruck*

*Sun*Highest regards and Light on the path as you Write on! *Sun*
eyestar

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Review of Be Strong  
Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Sun*Hail Clayton.

*Bird*A "Game of Thrones"  Martell Sunspear Review just for you!*Sun*


*Sun*Wow! This is a moving and personal, touching expression about separating from loved ones in war. The symbol of using father and son is brilliant as a theme. I thought of how cycles happen, fathers go to war and leave sons, and then sons grow up to perhaps emulate the father: both to protect home and family. No matter how tough they are, emotions are deep. I enjoyed reading this.

The 4 short quatrains use simple language to create a dramatic scene and emotional vibe. The poem flows smoothly with fine rhymes, and I think you did a great job with the last off rhyme. That is a tough one to rhyme. I am sure father is more than "bothered" and yet the contrast of the understatement gives a little lightness, as if trying to tone it down so the leaving is easier.

I do notice the rhythm is not even as some lines are longer. I wonder if the second line of verse two could be tightened up as it's flow is a bit rough. Perhaps the "but, soon" is not needed.
eg/as I enter another war cloud".. or something ..*Wink*

I really like the metaphor of "red sea"! What an evocative image. *Thumbsup*
Also the weather (wind and dim sun} adds to the atmsophere. The winds of change calling or pushing... and the dying of the day representing sadness. Wonderful.

Thanks for sharing this heart rendering expression! *Starstruck*

*Sun*Highest regards and Light on the path as you Write on! *Sun*

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Review of Osteoporosis  
Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Sun*Hail Analapine!

*Bird*A "Game of Thrones"  Martell Sunspear Review just for you!*Sun*


This short peice shares your understanding of this condition with details and I like your idea of it being a nightmare as it is a slow process that can get debilitating and makes one have to move carefully. And cannot be cured. *Shock* I can't imagine having to slow down and be so aware to avoid damage. Your will to lead a good life still and work with it is a testament to your courage and determination. We are more than just a body. *Wink*

The piece is informative as to what it is and how it is treated and you are honest in speaking of side effects of potential medications and what you have found the best for you. I did not realise how easy it is to test for it though I have heard of and know folks who deal with it.

Your tone is narrative and the intent is to present facts so we can get a glimpse into this bone issue. I see you added one link and wondered if there were any more you found helpful in case folks want to read more. Links to foods that may help for example. It seems to be becoming a common ailment as we age.

I notice you have different font sizes and wondered why. *Wink*

*Star*Thank you for sharing your personal approach and experience with Osteoporosis and I hope you keep it at bay for a long time.

*Sun*Highest regards and Light on the path as you Write on! *Sun*
eyestar

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Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*Sun*Hail Winnie!

*Bird*A "Game of Thrones"  Martell Sunspear Review just for you!*Sun*


*Rolling* Oh my gosh! This had me in stitches laughing! You really lead me on a wild ride with the total misdirection! Brilliant and comical. The end was so unexpected that I burst out laughing. The concern of the wife and the obvious habit and health of the husband had me thinking the worst scenario and about smoking. Well done!

You hooked me from the start with the vivid description of the character and continued to engage me with the wonderfully lively characterisations shown in action and dialogue. I could almost hear the impatience of Jim at the waste of time and Marie's concern and certainty about the doctor's visit. The picture you paint of the smokey truck and Jim's actions is so realistic.

The conversation was natural and fit the characters. Jim's rugged tough guy attitude is shown directly as he moves through the story line. You can tell they know each other well and can show their true feelings.

The writing is coherent and moves at a good pace. Effective active verbs and phrases like "flicked the butt" make for a dynamic action and engaging read. It was interesting to have them go to the 13th floor and the way the lady left the elevator is priceless, another clue in retrospect. "the smelling good" at the dock was too funny as was the name of the doctor. I like her concern about the smell in the house and how it leads us to a conclusion or a false track. *Thumbsup*

I was so entertained and had a good time reading this short story with its perfect twist! I bow to your amazing gift with this one! *Starstruck*

*Sun*Highest regards and Light on the path as you Write on! *Sun*

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Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Sun*Hail Writing Walter!

*Bird*A "Game of Thrones"  Martell Sunspear Review just for you!*Sun*


*Sun*I liked the sound of the title as I read it aloud as it has a steampunkish vibe! The whole poem is a pleasure to read with its smooth easy flow and rhythm like a lyric.

*Sun*Your poem paints a vivid picture of the steampunk genre with its mechanical elements added to dark supernatural ones. Brilliant conception and use of references to story images. The verses are balanced with specific rhyme scheme and a jaunty rhythm. The voice is narrative as it reveals the creepy creature and craft rituals of the evil kind. It has a dramatic feel and you did a good job with poetic sound devices to make an evocative soundscape. The last verse really appealed to me and summed up your theme effectively. You caught the dichotomies! I even smiled at the last word. Very good! *Thumbsup*

*Sun* In "and skulls which way you look" feels like it is missing a word or maybe change "which" to "each way". That would make sense to me. *Wink*
I wonder what you meant but "the stars are right?" It is not really descriptive.

*Starstruck*This was entertaining and lively read even in its dark atmosphere. Thanks for sharing your vision and craft.

*Sun*Highest regards and Light on the path as you Write on! *Sun*
eyestar

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Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Sun*Hail Rhyssa!
*Bird*A "Game of Thrones"  Martell Sunspear Review just for you!*Sun*


*Sun* Wow! I found a steampunk poem, which is the genre for the challenge today so thank you for writing it! *Wink* The title really speaks to the theme and the poem has a plaintive tone. I can imagine the emptiness of not being able to do what he loves.. it is like a trap.

*Sun*You really capture a steampunk atmosphere with applicable vocabulary and images. It was rivieting to read the vivid descriptions and had a sense of the sounds of this experience onboard, from the rhythm and soundscape of your words. The line about "teeth" being in empathy is so effective and gives a visceral reality. *Thumbsup* Brilliant!

*Sun* The last verse is so moving where the man so intergrates the elements of the air ship! Wow!

*Sun* The poem has a free form feel to it that suits the emotional content of a mind wandering in a plaintive memory trip.The contrast of his life on the balloon and now is well shown. The minimal punctuation served the work as well. You wove images with clarity that drew me into the moment and appealed to the senses. I really felt that the speaker loved his job in the airship. It kind of reminded me of how Scotty loved his Starship Enterprise. *Laugh* FAB work!

*Starstruck* Thanks so much for this moving piece of steampunk. I admire your creativity.

*Sun*Highest regards and Light on the path as you Write on! *Sun*
eyestar

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Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
*Sun*Hail Megan Rose! Yay another newsletter!
*Bird*A "Game of Thrones"  Martell Sunspear Review just for you!*Sun*


*Sun* It was lovely to see this show up in the forum and incredible to know that Jane died 200 years ago and her influence is still going strong in modern days!

*Sun*I appreciated hearing all about the celebrations that went on in England and your pictures added colour and interest. I can't believe they created a statue of her. How gorgeous! It makes up for not mentioning her being an author on her gravestone. Times have changed and maybe she was a part of it. Her independent spirit lives on.

*Sun* As usual, your newsletter presents a pleasing blend of personal expression and information that you discovered that makes interesting reading. Your details about the Party events are vivid and your tones indicate your feelings on what you share very evident. *Thumbsup* You always manage to find new facts like: a Jane Austen perfume? *Shock* and that Darcy was not first on the voter's list. *Wink* Well I suppose woman like strong woman. I was surprised a bit at who came first. *Smile*

*Starstruck* The newsletter is well written and quite celebratory in honour of Jane. Adding your item about Jane is a terrific idea as some readers may not be as familiar with the Austen phenomena as we are. The pictures are fantastic and I see you have new FAN sig I have not seen before. Lovely pin style. Thanks for sharing your love and knowlege of this iconic authoress and keeping us in the know about how folks honour her still today. *Heart*

*Sun*Highest regards and Light on the path as you Write on! *Sun*
eyestar

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662
662
Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Sun*Hail Prosperous Snow!

*Bird*A "Game of Thrones"  Martell Sunspear Review just for you!*Sun*


*Sun*I was drawn to the fantasy title and the idea of legend. The title directly speaks to the theme of your poem and appeals to me as it will anyone who love unicorns! *Smile*

*Sun* I was charmed by this elegant quatrain with its fantastical aura. I appreciated the mythical references that add to the theme of legend and the heritage of Pegasus. It is cool to think he had offspring. Giving Allie a rainbow magic and a starlight magic lends weight that there would be a legend about her. I liked the addition of the yeti and the old name for Mount Everest as well. Brilliant conception.

*Sun*The poem reveals a coherent story in verse with a steady rhyme scheme. The images are vivid and the journey setting of her travels is clear. I noticed that the syllable counts in the quatrain are not even in each line, yet it does not detract from the read. Most of your lines have a 10 count.

*Moon* I noticed a few typo glitches:
In the forth line, second verse, in "rainbow emerge" I think you need to make rainbows plural or add s to emerge for it to be correct in grammar.
In the second line verse three, "rest" needs to be "rests". *Wink*

*Sun*Your creativity is captivating. You gave her an original name of her own in the first verse,her own magic and guardians too. I really like this child like story and I think it would appeal to children and the young at heart.*Heart* The little note on name meaning was interesting and even gives more power to your character.
.
*Sun* Highest regards and light on the path as you Write on! *Sun*
eyestar

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Review of Dig a Hole  
Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Sun*Hail S.J. Shiro! *Delight*

*Bird*A "Game of Thrones"  Martell Sunspear Review just for you!*Sun*


*Sun* WOW! This scene is a gripping read and I was drawn into the intensity of the situation. You hooked me from the first as you introduce the journey and the character not knowing where she is. It made me curious to read on.

*Sun* It feels like the story is seen from her point of view and your use of italics is well done to indicate her inner thoughts. Your detailed descriptions build a strong atmosphere and vivid images. It is easy to have compassion and feel for the main character even though she is nameless as yet and we do not know any more than she does aobut her plight and the reason for it. You do give a clue when she says they haven;t got what they want yet and he loves her too much. I assume she may know they want something.

*Sun*The character is strong willed and determined and the violence she endures is amazing. I am not sure how she will dig! LOL Your vocabulary is conscise in describing the action and her injuries. I did wonder if "face exploded" was over done as I took it to mean really bashed in. I know her nose broke but the word "exploded" makes me think of destruction. (unless it was exploded in pain?")

I noted one typo in "captors" It need to be "captor's face" to show possession. *Wink*

The phrase "would await her next" struck me oddly. I think saying "awaited her next" flows more clearly.

I wondered about the word "indifferently" as being unnecessary. How does rain pelt indifferently? It just does anyway so the description does not add anything to my mind. *Wink*

*Starstruck* You have really captured the intensity of this horrible captivity and kept me pondering the mystery. It is an impressive emotional piece for your larger story.

*Sun*Highest regards and Light on the path as you Write on! *Sun*
eyestar

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Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Sun*Hail webwitch! I found a mystery in your port so here I am with:

*Bird*A "Game of Thrones"  Martell Sunspear Review just for you!*Sun*


*Sun*Wow! This story is evocative with a profound aura of mystery mixed with sadness. I really felt for your main character as she reveals her situation! Your use of the first person point of view is effectively managed and made the story seem true to life.

*Sun*The tale was coherent and easy to follow, keeping me intrigued to read on. Her sense of loss and determination is potent as you reveal the events in order. I felt her surprise at news of the child and it was unexpected piece of the puzzle. Well done. The last line sums up the scene and struck a chord of sadness. I had the sense that she is still lost and has to be objective at the moment and to find her heart again.

*Sun* I enjoyed all the plot details that create the mystery around her: place, nationality, the drug, the lack of id , the injury etc. Wow! Your vocabulary was effective in creating the images and the tone of the piece. I am curious about the drug and the "procedures" it may be used for. It is a good hook for a continuing story. Now that you have made me feel for her, there must be more. LOL.

*Sun*I was reading this line and wondered if it would be stronger with a direct voice. "there was no purse with identification found on me." eg. "they did not find a purse or identification."
for a tighter smoother flow. *Wink* I am not a pro at this. It just popped out at me. *Smile*

*Starstruck* Whew! This is a moving piece of drama and I was pulled right into you vision. Thanks for sharing your craft.

*Sun*Highest regards and Light on the path as you Write on! *Sun*

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Review of Night Hawk  
Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Sun*Hail Wolfbane!

*Bird*A "Game of Thrones"  Martell Sunspear Review just for you!*Sun*


I was lured by the image of your title. Hawk is one one of my totems and night hawk image appealed as I have had many lovely musings in the dark of night when all is quiet! So the theme is relevant and your image of the tossing and turning is vivid. I always have to tell myself to just get up and quit trying to sleep when I can't. Fighting with it makes it worse. LOL I like that you eventually get up and yay.. the poet makes use of the time. *Smile*

Using a sonnet form really makes sense with the emotion of the moment. Your images are clear and appeal to the senses with words like "slam", "howl" "sHimmering" . It is like all sounds seem louder in the dark. I like storm and it sets up your atmosphere. I can really see the event in the first verse... the contrast of raging storm and cozy pjs! Well done.

Your verses are balanced and follow the Spencerian form with its rhyme and flow and ending couplet. The language was simple and it was unique to have the "H20 slain". I am not sure what the sound of "hark" is. Line 1 in verse 3 has a subject but does not connect with anything--not a complete thought. As you are speaking in the past, would not "air is afoul" be "was"?

You have a good rhyme scheme with full rhymes though I do not think "am" rhymes with "Bam" in this case. I see you try to keep the syllable count intact *Smile* yet I would try not to use adverbs like "quietly" as in poetry vivid active descriptions are preferred. Also, I am not sure why "booms" has a capital.

I could really enter the vision of this night and the potency of the storm to cause mayhem and perhaps providing inspiration for the poet's muse. The idea of a battle with insomnia is well illustrated here. Thanks for sharing your craft and expression. *Starstruck*

*Sun* Highest regards and light on the path as you Write on! *Sun*
eyestar

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666
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Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
*Balloony* Hail PureSciFi ! *Delight* Thanks for your entry in the "Fabulous Fantasy Contest " . I am happy to offer a few comments as a judge. *Fairy*

*Fairy* Wow! this is an imaginative story and I loved the idea of tree dwellers and their life, especially the singing for communication! Wonderful! The main character was well shown and the plot problem involving her being different and how she sought to solve it is clear. I could really feel for Khasundra. The dialogues kept the story flowing adding dramatic effect and the actions of the kids was believable.

*Fairy*You describe the setting as you reveal the characters and I like seeing the Human world through the eyes of Khusandra. Lots of details of how the two world interact were effective. I use of magic was cool and your use of music from the prompt was effective. The names are unique too. *Thumbsup* I couldn't see Robert staring at her for 15 minutes. A few minutes of speechless awe maybe. What would she be doing for that long? *Wink*

*Penr* I story flows along well for the most part. I just felt there were definite breaks or jumps without lead ins in some places:

1. just after Yentai returns to find her gone... you jump to Khasundra is floating.
2. You do not say how she is taught to sing
3. After talking with Robbert about the procedure you jump to her questioning OVON. It took a minute to see that the story changed places without really finishing her time with Robbert.
So, there is need to work on more seamless transitions---they could even be chapters so I see there is enough here for a longer work.

*Fairy*At the beginning it was easy to follow dialogue with the quotations. When Khasundra is on her own and talking to herself, it got confusing as from punctuation it seems like she is talking to someone. I would put her words that are in her head in italics so it is more easy to read coherently.

Also, when she is talking to Robert, it was confusing with all the extra apostrophes like in:

[Khasundra sighed. ’It’s hard’ to ’explain.’ But I will give ’it a try.’ ’I can get’ the music ’into my head.’ ’Only it has’ to be done ’medically.’} *Confused*

*Star* This was a fun world to enter and I appreciate your imagination. I like how your title is tied in at the end and her acceptance and not revealing one part that makes her still different. Thanks for sharing your craft.

Keep the ink flowing as you follow your muse and write on!*Star*
eyestar
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#1300305 by Maryann- summer travel

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Review of Bedtime mantra  
Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Balloony* Welcome to WDC Craig! *Delight* I am happy to review to celebrate you and share my perspective as a reader. *Bookopen*


*Smile* Congrats on posting your first entry and trying on poetry! Yay! I was drawn to the title as it makes me think of how it is good to instill the mind at night with positive thoughts. *Wink*

It is cool to try out a descending form and what you can do instead of interrupting the flow and look of your poem is to add a little note after the poem saying what is involved in the form...
Tell what the count is, syllables or words. *Smile* In this case it looks like words.

I liked your quoted affirmation and how in line 4 you respond to the first line. I lost the connection with "which is hard" as the word "which" threw me off. I felt something was missing. *Confused*
Maybe say "it is hard" for a more clear coherence. *Wink*

*Star* The sentiment is philosophical and one we can all identify with... our knowing our calling to be joyful and the difficulty being true to us in the world of judgement. I love the idea that BEing Self Is JOY.
I have found that folks can have difficulty with us if we are being too happy... as folks like to have people join them in their drama.

Thanks for sharing your wisdom and your craft. *Smile*

Keep the ink flowing as you follow your muse and write on!*Star*
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#1300305 by Maryann- summer travel


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Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Balloony* Hail Fuchsiagrasshopper !*Delight* Thanks for your entry in the "Fabulous Fantasy Contest " .
I am happy to offer a few comments as a judge. *Fairy*


*Thumbsup* Wow! I really enjoyed entering your vision. Your vivid and detailed descriptions were aamazing and made me see the forest, the girl, her movements through to the huts and the creature. I like delicious detail and how you share in bits the plight of the girl. In terms of an opening to grab attention I was wondering if an action scene might serve. A memory perhaps that she is having that sets up the prior events and hooks the reader. I was drawn in but I do recall authors sayihg that openers need to quickly attract. *Wink* Something to dream about.

It was coherent to follow and the weaving of environment with the girl's perspectives was well done.

*Sun* It is obvious you have a clear vision of their world and I liked the names of the places and the Divine. I would say you could continue the story and expand on the world and its inhabitants at an other time.

*Heart*I felt for the characters, first the girl and then the snake and it is wonderful how you have them share a similar fate or being alone..makes for a secure companionship. Believeable. It is interesting how you show her a child but with the necessity of being older, perhaps copying what she had seen elders say and do.

*burst*I think the name Trenton is appealing and the dialogue really added drama and activity to the story after the lenghty narrative. I laughed when the snake was insulted after accused of running. I could really imagine it as well as her reaction to being called a mongrel.

*Fairy* It was creative how you wove the music prompt into it and the idea the snake would risk life to listen to it is unique. I am wondering of the significance of the flute... as she is keeping it though it seems inactive. A really good hook for the next part of the story. I am thinking it magical. It inspires me and kept me reading. *Thumbsup*

*Delight* The interplay between the two characters was natural and purposeful in showing character and revealing story details. It drew me in further to the tale.

I am not a story writer so there may be flaws or wonders I fail to see, but the following are little glitches that popped up for me. *Wink*

*Penb*" in the line unrest nature," I think the word "unrest"is a noun so it was odd to read. "Also in "entered likely" I would keep the language direct as opposed to use the world "likely" as it weakens the line and the idea that she would not have chosen had she the choice. Watch for places where words make idea tenuous instead of a fact. *Wink*

*Penp*Some lines struck me as passive when a more active voice would be more powerful. eg. "the sweet smell of the wood being inhaled through her nose as she gasped quietly about her pain." I have read that letting characters do things directly is better. " She smelled the sweetness of the wood and gasped." I would drop unneeded adverbs as I believe editors are frowning on their over use these days. And I do not know how to gasp quietly. *Smile*

*Penr*I thought "plodding quickly" was an odd description of the snake moving away. I wondered how a snake would "plod". *Smile* I thought she was exhausted but you had her "run". I did like the lonely colour of her call. The desperation for connection at this point is moving.

*Penv* "not be caught for poaching." to me means the snake is poaching. maybe use : not be caught by poachers' for clarity.

*Peng* There are likely places that could be refined to be less wordy and I wondered about:
eg.In "As she looked over the useless thing in her hand, she felt compelled to throw it back down to the floor of the forest with as much good it would serve her. Unless she could find a band of music playing bandits, the little flute was of no use to her."
you said it would be no use two times in different ways. You say "compelled" but did she throw it down?" Again maybe some definitive action instead of telling about what she did. Have her do it. *Smile*

I had fun playing in your world and felt good at the end! Neither were alone and drawing us back to her prayer earlier and how she is being looked after was effective. I can see where this story could be continued as I have the idea that she , the flute and snake are saved for a purpose. *Cool*

Thanks for sharing your dream and craft! *Starstruck*

Keep the ink flowing as you follow your muse and write on!*Star*
eyestar
for the Fantasy Contest

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#1300305 by Maryann- summer travel



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Review of My Magician  
Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Balloony*Hiya Cadie Laine! *Delight* I am happy to review to celebrate you as part of your Auction package. *Balloonp*

*Wand*Another title that appeals to my imagination and it is so heartwarming to think that your partner reflects the qualities of magic. *Heart* The tribute to him is shown in its warm, appreciative tone and the way you share his caring attributes.

It is so romantic in nature and the free flow verses suit the emotional content and theme. The verses vary in length and each carries a specific image of the magician's ways in your life together. I enjoyed the image of the "gardener" which is so symbolic and the "Prince" image is charming and adds to the romantic notion. The fourth verse really encapsules the idea of "love" as magic and adding that "friend and foe" gives a sense of realism as a balance to the Knight in shining armour. Good contrast. The idea of teamwork and enjoying each other is an example of what can be in relationship.

In verse 3 I think you need to drop the "s" in " my loves" and with the word "forever" I think you need to use the words "will love me forever". *Wink*

This is very inspiring and positive vision of partnership and it is so telling of your feelings for this person especially using the image of magician. Repeating "my Magician" in verse is emphatic and I think it added to the effect of the read. The couplet at the end sums it up well.

Thanks for sharing so personally and charming me. How blessed you are. *Starstruck*

Keep the ink flowing as you follow your muse and write on!*Star*
eyestar
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GROUP
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Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann- summer travel


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Balloony*Hiya Cadie Laine! *Delight* I am happy to review to celebrate you as part of your Auction gift! *Bookopen*

I was drawn to the title with its evocative image. I enjoy a silent time alone in reflection, meditation and noodling for ideas! *Smile* Your message seems to show that we are never alone and that silence yeilds a connection to inner wisdom with a higher voice. Wonderful. *Smile*

The free style verse suits the reflective nature of the theme and it flows coherently. The variety of longer and short lines add dramatic effect and I like the first three short lines as they felt emphatic in their message. The last line indicates how low the poet may have felt before tuning in. It is interesting and effective to have that at the end. Line 8 was appealing to me in tone and meaning with its assonnance of "o" sound echoing. Lovely line. *Thumbsup*

The tag line mentions empty nest, yet the poem itself could refer to any kind of "alone" experience, so we can all relate. Even the image in the last line is a good one for any of those low times. Good job!

Thanks for sharing your vision and experience that is inspirational. *Starstruck*

Keep the ink flowing as you follow your muse and write on!*Star*
eyestar
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Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya Cryptic Omega!


*Delight* What an interesting topic for a poem and a yummy one too! I really like how you capture the delight and the festive atmosphere. I could really sense the fun and anticipation as you take me through the experience. Well done. *Thumbsup*

The title captures the theme clearly and got my attention. I have not been to Louisiana but have seen movies where they cook crawfish!

It was fun to read the sing song type rhythm of the short lines and they flowed fairly smoothly as I read aloud. Verse 9 was a bit harder to read with the same flow as the others. Yummy image though!
Your rhyming was effective and added to the flow and pace. *Thumbsup*

Your chosen words created a vivid image of the picnic like imagery and I could imagine the tables, tents and big pots! It has a real summer time family feeling and I imagine it could be like a town event! I know in the east coast of Canada they have lobster and crab fests that are part of the fishing culture there.

You really show how the process works too in case folks did not know.

I think you may have too many commas. eg. I don't think you need one after "faces" in verse 1, and "sacks" and "time"... where it is natural for the line to flow one to another. though you may be using them for pause effect. I wondered if it is the sacks that are splashing about--- as you say they are emptied . I took you to mean that they dump the crayfish out of the sacks into a tin...so how can the sacks splash? Or am I missing something? Just something that popped up for me. Of course, in poetry, the whole picture can get shortened and leave it to us to get it. I did get that the crayfish were splashing. Maybe a period after "tin" and drop the comma after "sacks" as a bit of clarity. *Smile*

This is a light hearted piece of entertainment and I enjoyed entering your vision! Thanks for sharing your craft!*Starstruck*

Light on the path as you write on!

eyestar
A shared image


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Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya Jay! I learned about writing Villanelles last year so I am so happy to see this one! It is quite a challenge to get right! *Wink*


I was drawn to your title as it evoked a peaceful scene and I imagined a lovely field, lots of sky and horizon in the distance. The word "greening" was also an unusual and evocative one! Brilliant.

What an uplifting and well composed villanelle with a well conceived concept. I like the blend of nature and the comparison to life growth, reflecting deep thought. *Thumbsup*

The verses are balanced using the form elements correctly. I enjoyed your rhymes in the scheme and know how difficult it can be to make words fit the format and theme. The poem flows coherently and makes sense. The refrains are a potent duo compination. Very evocative. *Sun*

I noted only one line that fell out of the syllabication of your 7 beat lines. The last verse, line 2 has an extra syllable. *Wink* I think villanelles generally do have each line with the same syllables yet this idea works well for your poem and hey.... poets are known to be original and use lisence. *Laugh*

Your use of poetic devices like assonance, consonance and alliteration is effective to create a pleasing soundscape and it was fun to read aloud. Punctuation assisted the read as well. Good job!

I admire your skill and the philosophical/nature aura of your first villanelle. *Starstruck* You rocked the challenge! *Wink*

Light on the path as you write on!

eyestar
A shared image


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Dragon*Hi Joey, thanks for entering "DreamTime Dragon's Poem Contest" ! Here are my brief comments on your poem! *Fire*


*Fire*Wow! This is a wonderful creation with an echo of the Puff Magic Dragon song yet full of vivid images and interesting detail. The long line style reminds me of a story poem and I enjoyed some of the soundscapes of the phrasings.

*Fire*In the second verse I don't think you need the word "he" in the third line as you say "Smoke" in the line before and you do not need to repeat "their" twice in line four.*Wink*

*Fire* I would look at streamlining your lines to avoid redundancies. For examples:
In verse 4 I noticed you used the word "but" three times--could use some variety.
IN verse 5 "all one day most fade" do you mean "must fade"?
In verse 6, do you need to use "they" after "his wings"? It seems like a double subject and we know you mean his wings. *Wink*

*Fire*Thanks for sharing your brilliant vision with its complex weave. It has a strong voice and an aura of a sea tale. I like the repetition of the "dragons be" notion that creates a refrain that ties it together. *Thumbsup*

Keep the quill scribing! *Star*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Dragon*Hi Kotaro, thanks for entering "DreamTime Dragon's Poem Contest" ! Here are my brief comments on your poem! *Fire*


*Fire*Wow! This is an amazing creation and unique tale. I really enjoyed the rhythm of the verse style. I can appreciate how much effort it took to weave this lengthy epic so coherently. The imagery is vivid and the story line complex.
It was really cool to use a ninja, zombie and the idea of "gem in the soul". *Thumbsup*

*Fire* Your use of poetic techniques like alliteration, assonance and consonance and the 'Y" sounds were effective to create a pleasing flow and soundscape. The verses are balanced and pleasant to read aloud, even while the line beats are not all the same. It did not detract from the read. *Smile*

*Dragon* The first verse drew me into the magic with its clear magical setting and your sentence structure. I could enter your vision with ease. *Starstruck*
Thanks for sharing this impressive crafting.

Keep the quill scribing! *Star*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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for entry "Transylvania Poem " 
Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
*Balloonp* Hiya Megan Rose! I am happy to do a review to celebrate you! *Delight*


*Carv* Here we go around the world and yay, your vision of Romania rocks!

*Carr* I like the way to encapsulate Romania's struggles with changing dynasties and add the mythical aspect of Transylvania's fame , ending with your own feelings on the subject all in one poem. Brilliant vision. *Star* The free verse suits the theme and variety of details about your knowledge of this region.

*Carg* I think in verse 2 "became" needs to be "came" grammatically. *Wink*

*Laugh* I laughed at the end! I love the Munsters. It is so fascinating how you bring to the fore all of these connections. *Thumbsup* Thanks for sharing your unique vision.

Light on the path as you write on!
eyestar
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