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just your average... er... correction: just your normal... correction: me. |
| The original title of this was "The Oscilloscope"... but too many days passed without a single page view. And then I wanted "Fighting the Current (hey... my canoe's missing!!!)" but no matter what I did to the title, it was at least 10 characters too long -- so I eventually just cut it off. All the titles do have multiple meanings though. This is my journal, as you probably know. We'll just have to see what I can do with it... I might write what's going on in my life, but it will most likely write whatever I feel like at the moment. Kind of like what I use as titles... |
| Into my second semester of college. Things have gotten better a bit. My living arrangements next year seem very promising. Today, however, was the end of a miniature era. I finally closed my website for good. It's not gone, but it's got closure. It should've been shut down two years ago, if not earlier. It died a slow death, lol. Visited my high school today. Got to see almost everybody. That was good. My grandfather and I fixed up an old violin this week. Now all we need is to get a bow rehaired. And, first, to find a place which does that. Happy St. Patrick's Day, everybody! |
| School's started. It's been all ups and downs. Making friends. I have a somewhat pompous and very talkative roommate. Makes things interesting. Home for the weekend. I haven't spent a full weekend there yet. I'll be scheduling next semester next week. It's sort of scary. I hope everything is still open by then. If all goes well, I'll have Intro Archaeology, Principles of Literary Study, Latin Poetry (all "Aeneid", but that means I have a head start), Spanish 102, and the stupid required women's studies/writing intensive course. I get to register before almost all the Freshmen because of how many credits I'm coming in with. Works nicely in my favor. Still pissed about the election results, but my vote counted and my state went blue. So our king still reigns... ::eye roll:: Some friends and I were talking about taking bets on how many more countries we'll invade in the next four years. Oh well, I did what I could. There was a protest on campus the other night. I didn't go. You can't protest what's past. The people have spoken, supposedly. I need to write fiction again. I haven't written much recently at all. All I can think is how everything's been done before and how it's all been done better than I could do it. ::shrug:: Oh well. In the past few months, I've taken up the pennywhistle. Really easy compared to flute, and a lot of fun. I'm looking into getting a low whistle because I like their sound better. Time to go do something vaguely productive. |
| Less than a week to go. Less than a week and our roads begin to diverge more sharply. The reality of our decisions may finally begin to set in. Reading old journal entries of friends and of myself. Some things have solidified, others have faded, and the entire manner of speaking has changed somewhat. There's been a definite growth in maturity. But we all seem to have become more embittered and cynical in our old age, lol. Part of me wants to judge the past. I refuse to. I take far too long to warm up to things, people, certain changes. Almost all of my regrets can be traced to that. And yet I don't change it. Four years is so short. The walls we still tend, the things we still keep from each other. How deep do the rabbit-holes go? How many false floors and secret passages are there? |
| Seven more entries, including this one, then I will definitely close this journal. I'll end on an even 300 entries. I know where I'm going next year. Took care of most of the housing stuff last night. Of course, the school I end up going to is the only one which gave me no scholarship money (aside from U of Penn, but I was actually hoping not to get in there, because that would open up a whole other can of worms...). Home sick from school today. Feeling better than yesterday though. Today was more just a recuperation day. I'm making posters for the second and final coffee house of the year. Who knows how this will go over. Today, I have to read Act II of Hamlet, and read several other things. And then I have to go to work tonight. I have my own dulcimer finally. It's a very nice instrument. Getting tutoring for Calc, since my teacher doesn't teach and still expects us to be able to do everything. My neighbors had a toilet on their porch for a few days... Still not quite sure what that was about. But they were on vacation at the time... Listening to Cesaria Evora. Her music is so awesome, lol. The weather's finally beautiful, and something always comes up so that I can't enjoy it. Right now... I'd be in... Calculus, I think. My grandmother made fruit salad. It looks wonderful, but I'm not really hungry. If I'm lucky, I'll only have one exam I have to show up for this semester. I should actually get to working before I feel worse or lose all motivation (not that I have much to begin with). Oh, and my room is clean. And has remained this way, in a manner of speaking. It needs straightening up, but that's all just clothes and my desk collecting paper. |
| "Imagination does not breed insanity. Exactly what does breed insanity is reason. Poets do not go mad; but chess players do. Mathematicians go mad...but creative artists very seldom. I am not...in any sense attacking logic: I only say that...danger does lie in logic, not in imagination...The general fact is simple. Poetry is sane because it floats easily in an infinite sea; reason seeks to cross the infinite sea, and so make it finite. The result is mental exhaustion...To accept everything is an exercise, to understand everything a strain. The poet only desires exaltation and expansion, a world to stretch himself in. The poet only asks to get his head into the heavens. It is the logician who seeks to get the heavens into his head. And it is his head that splits." - Orthodoxy, G. K. Chesterton |
| "I sit locked inside my head Remembering everything you've said This silence gets us nowhwere Gets us nowhere way too fast [...] All your insults and your curses make me feel like I'm not a person And I feel like I am nothing..." - "For You", Staind Then they wonder why I have trust issues. |
| Almost entirely applied to colleges. (Just a little left... Procrastination doesn't help me... Ever.) Life's got ups and downs. Have not been myself since the summer, I think. Just writing to find out if this journal is actually ever read anymore... |
| I was doing homework and came across this quote: “The higher Christian churches...come at God with an unwarranted air of professionalism, with authority and pomp, as though they knew what they were doing, as though people in themselves were an appropriate set of creatures to have dealings with God. I often think of the set pieces of liturgy as certain words which people have successfully addressed to God without getting killed. In the high churches they saunter through liturgy like Mohawks along a strand of scaffolding who have long since forgotten their danger. If God were to blast such a service to bits, the congregation would be, I believe, genuinely shocked. But in the low churches you expect it at any minute. This is the beginning of wisdom.” - Annie Dillard (who later became a Roman Catholic) School's not bad so far. Mostly good teachers. Then again, school hasn't kicked into full gear yet either. And for some reason, I was demoted on this site, but it doesn't say why anywhere. ::shrug:: I need sleep. |
| Visited a university this morning. Very, very nice... ::sigh:: Came home, an went to Readers' Theatre late... It's coming together bit by bit. But we're still switching parts around because people stop showing up. Had my "Weird-Out of the Day" after that was over. Locked doors should not, I repeat, should not unlock on their own. lol, Apparently something saw that my friend really had to use the bathroom... Dressed as Rita Skeeter, was sorted into Slytherin. And boy, did we live up to it. But sequels are rarely like the first. This one was set up better, but the other was more fun. This one had overly loud people and too many who didn't dress up and/or get into it. Next week is general fantasy... I think I'm gonna be Lirael. lol, I've been sitting here playing with the sword for that costume at the computer. I would just need to make a bandolier... Took off the red nail polish. I'd put blue on first and then changed my mind about the costume. I took off the blue and then put the red on--so right now, it either looks like my cuticles are bleeding or I painted them to be fire and ice. As a fhinahl sthathmend, I habe bheing stuhffedb ub. (Translation for those who don't speak Congestion: "As a final statement, I hate being stuffed up.") |
| Back one or two days early from New England -- we never did solidify the last leg of it through Vermont and either the Berkshires of Massachusetts or the Catskills of New York. It was fun until last night. Last night, I got sick, my brother got sick. I was worse off, but it's passing and I could have made it through today, damnit. Took over 300 pictures. Sights seen: • A fog-enshrouded lighthouse (in its element, lol). You don't hear the foghorn on a clear day, so I guess we sort of lucked out, in that respect. I wanted to stay there. The sea actually smelled like it's supposed to, and the rocky shoreline was beautiful--even in the fog, and there was salt spray and wind and the sounds of the ocean and it was cool but not a biting chill. (Yes, that was a run-on sentence.) • "America's Stonehenge" (which could actually be an interesting--not to mention legitimate--archaeological site if it wasn't turned into a New Age-y tourist trap... and if the only "archaeologists" working on it weren't a self-trained father, son, and stonemason team...) • The White Mountains of New Hampshire, and Mount Washington (the highest point in the North Eastern US, with the purported "worst weather on earth"--and having seen pictures and read statistics, I don't doubt it) with its peak in the clouds. Also: gorges and waterfalls and thunderstorms on the peaks above us. • What's left of the Old Man of the Mountain--he was there for millenia and we missed him by three months. One story I have to tell: After we had packed up the car this morning, we noticed that there was a little trail through the forest right in front of our car. It seemed short, so for a little last jaunt through the woods, we started down it. My dad was in front, I was close behind him. My brothers straggled into the forest after us, somewhat reluctantly. It was almost silent except for our footsteps and the highway maybe half a mile away. About fifty yards in, my dad stopped suddenly. "Shh! There's a bear!" I looked to where he was pointing and about twenty feet away an eight foot tall (at least) black bear was standing on its hind legs about to climb a tree. I saw it climb a few feet and I spun and ran, yelling for my brothers to get back to the car. They caught a glimpse of the bear and ran screaming out of the forest. I ran about thirty feet and slipped. Dad had been watching the bear and started to run when he saw it begin to go down the tree. He almost started laughing when he saw me just sitting there on the ground, scrambling to get back up again. I got back to the car, and saw my brothers frantically trying to get into the backseat. Mom had been sitting in the front passenger seat reading maps and trying to figure out the best route, when she saw my brothers screaming and running with their arms up out of the forest. She thought they'd knocked over a bee hive or something. Dad and I told her what really happened. At least the bear was as scared as we were. It's funny though. We went over a mile and a half into the woods yesterday and all we saw were a lot of chipmunks. We went 150 feet into a relative stand of trees and there before us was one of the most powerful animals in the eastern half of North America. At least we didn't have far to go for safety. (But it also happened on one of the few occassions when I didn't have my camera with me. Not that I would have gotten a very good picture, but at least I would have had proof, lol.) The problem with bears is that they are very unpredictable. Most guides will tell you to make a lot of noise and do anything you can to make yourself look bigger. That sometimes scares them off. That sometimes makes them curious and/or charge at you. So yeah, we hightailed it out of there. Okay, I need to find something to do now. I might sleep. I was up late last night after a day of walking and moving and sight-seeing... ::sigh:: I'll get back there eventually. And spend more time on the coast. And hopefully not see a bear at close range. |
| Me: "That was my revelation for the day. Thank you and good night." ::bows and is pulled offstage by a cane:: Friend: ::applauds the guy with the cane:: Me: "You're so supportive." Friend: "As always!" I haven't written a journal entry in Latin in a long time... I was just about to write that in what I thought was Latin but actually turned out to be Latin with a random Italian "Io" at the beginning... Well, Rome is in Italy... I might as well not bother. I was just trying again, but I need my dictionary and upstairs is too far to go for something like that right now, lol. Diu hic in Latinam non scripsi. Sed... Roughly: "I haven't written here in Latin in a while. But..." and then I couldn't think of anything to say with the vocabulary I could remember off the top of my head. Okay, here's an end to that sentence: Sed equus videt agricolam in agris et pugnat miserum virum. "But the horse sees the farmer in the fields and fights the poor man." Doesn't quite fit, but at least it's mostly grammatically correct. Vale. |
| "Suburbia, where all of the trees are ripped out and the streets named after them." A paraphrased quote by somebody... Maybe George Carlin. A two doors down is a less-than-year-old house. They're doing the lanscaping today. In building the house, they ripped out a good number of hundred-year-old trees. First thing they put in while landscaping? Young trees. Got a letter in the mail today: "Due to an unplanned electrical outage on July 11, 2003, we will not be open for busines..." Unplanned, eh? Slept most of the morning, on and off. Meant to do some work but was too lazy. Now I have all of half an hour before I have things to do again. |
| I think my hiatus is over. I've (re)discovered other outlets. What I end usually lingers with no official endpoint and what I start I rarely get far enough into to be unable to stop. Won't be writing as frequently, but more often than once a month I think. Helping facilitate the decision of where to go for vacation this summer. I could not lounge on a beach for three to five days, do not want to spend that entire time in a city, sick enough of the Eastern Megalopolis to want to do something different for at least a few days. Narrowed down to two general choices... Watch, it will be neither. Class is going well. Third and last exam tomorrow night, and it's thankfully not cumulative. Two points away from an A... Library's going well too. No real complaints besides squeaky carts and obnoxious patrons and my chronic dropping of a book or two. From a cartoon I saw today: "Exercise buffs! This elevator is now equipt with a stair-climbing machine!" |
| That last entry is what happens when I think too deeply for too long. A semi-exorcism except it did not get me anywhere. The library was eventful today. Got a whole briefing on the Patriot Act and resisting it. And other things happened. EMTs are really sort of amazing when you hear them speaking to people. Could someone please tell me the reason why some people have the desire to create artificial intelligence? Do they want to play God and build life? Put their names in a history book? It just seems like a venture that is more trouble than it's worth. I'm all for science for the sake of science, but this... Maybe I'm just too influenced in my thinking by science fiction. But on several occassions... science fiction has been proven correct... Don't know how often I'll be writing in this journal anymore. Just worried about how much my lines will blur, what I might say the next time. ω? We shall see. |
| First off, to clear things up, I have tendency to speak in metaphors. It was not a literal exorcism, lol. I just could not think of a better word. Relay was really rainy (no lightning though, thankfully) and really muddy (think Woodstock, only more clothes and less drugs). All but five of the girls (from two teams) left before 7, and then I was forced to leave a little after midnight. I was very angry--I understood completely why my parents didn't want me there, but I was the last one left from my team (vaguely pissed at everyone for leaving, but I understood most of them as well, not that I agreed). So, of course, I felt some sort of obligation to be there, even if no one was really keeping track and it didn't really mean anything to anyone besides me. So, yeah, I ended up looking like some sort of spoiled brat--didn't help that I saw several people crying at the candles and names on the track. Six hours of sleep last night but I have been so grumpy and so bitchy all day, with no tolerance for anything at all. It's great, today is also the day my brothers decide to turn up their attitudes and f*** with me and pick fights. They are very lucky I don't often listen to violent impulses. And I must have pulled some sort of ligament or tendon or something. It would be fine if it were at my knee or lower. No, it's deep in my upper thigh. Still can't get rid of some of the dirt around my nails. Not really noticeable, but it bothers me. The things we create for ourselves... Our hells, our dreams, our memories... The meanings we assign objects and events... Symbols, icons, signs... I just do not know. A good friend just quoted Jung to me: "Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people." So what is time? "And through this night I wander It's morning that I dread Another day of knowing of The path I fear to tread." - "Possession," Sarah McLachlan Good thing about being sent home: If I'd slept at the Relay, I would not have been able to move when I woke up even if I'd slept on an egg-crate under my sleeping bag. I had enough trouble getting my one leg out of bed this morning. My back is a little sore, but not downright painful. Found a hilarious book in Walden's today. "How to Be an Evil Villain." And there must have been wasabi in the very tip of my spring roll. I swallowed it and then my mouth caught fire. My eyes were watering, my sinuses were clearing, it was so bad. I made my brother run and get an icecream (water makes hot things stay in your mouth, and I didn't want to drink milk) for me. I ate the entire little bowl. My tastebuds took an hour to recover and my tongue is still a little sensitive, lol. "Do you wonder what it's like Living in a permanent imagination, Sleeping to escape reality?..." - "Fiction," Orgy Yes, but what is reality? "'Reality' is what we take to be true. What we take to be true is what we believe. What we believe is based on our perceptions. What we percieve depends on what we look for. What we look for depends on what we think. What we think depends on what we percieve. What we percieve determines what we believe. What we believe determines what we take to be true. What we take to be true is our reality." - Gary Zukav I think I'm losing touch with what I take to be true...what I believe...what I perceive... Not with what I think. Yet. But I have not been thinking healthy thoughts these past few days... Not destructive, just not healthy. Sleep might help a little. Might. A little. |
| Managed to fix a few problems with this computer, but the internet is still slow as anything. I was in such a horrible mood last night. I was thinking again, damnit. I've discovered that I need to keep good paper somewhere near my bed so I won't have to go searching for paper when I need it most. Did a mental exorcism last night on both sides of a (thankfully long) Walmart receipt because I didn't have any desire to go searching for usable paper. I have notes and essays and exorcisms written on everything from receipts to old index cards to shampoo ads, anything that has blank areas and that ink will to. Paper, paper, everywhere, and not a sheet to use. What I should get is a small notebook of completely unlined paper to write this stuff in. I can't write freely on lined paper for some reason. SAT II tomorrow in Latin and US History and from there I go to the Relay until Sunday morning. And, of course, it's beautiful today ("beautiful" is a relative term), will be beautiful late in the afternoon Sunday, and will rain/thunderstorm in between--while we're outside. On second thought and in retrospect, succumbing to fears is not always a weakness... I never forget the things I should forget. And I never remember the things I should remember. I really have to study. Latin more than history. |
| Shivering from the cold. Been getting chills all day though. Survived my first night as a library page. Not that tough, I've just got to focus. Roiling thoughts again, damnit. It's like watching a time-lapse thunderstorm. By the time I try to even verbalize them for myself, they're almost gone again. Spent over two hours earlier trying to get this computer to run better. And there is no noticeable difference. I can get so cynical when I'm tired. Headache right around my eyes again, shooting through my skull. I don't like headaches at all. Pain in general sucks. My major weakness: succumbing to fears. Wow, I just recently realized that I had been hearing a word in a song that was nowhere within that section of the song. I've been mouthing the words along with it for a good few weeks now, and bam! that word was apparently never in there. Maybe it was in the movie version?... I hope?... And why the hell does virtually everyone else have normal dreams?! Serve for entertainment later at least... Too tired to continue... |
| Turns out the editors for the literary magazine were announced (or were supposed to have been announced) last Tuesday. It's funny though, you'd think that somebody would have mentioned something to at least one of the editors about who'd been picked... ah well. I got the job of Editor-in-Chief. Very happy about that. Happy about my report card too. Even with two quarters of C+'s in Trig/Precalc, I managed a B+ for the year. Which put me at a little over a 4.0 for the year (one weighted course), which in turn pulled my cumulative GPA up to a high 3.8. ::sigh:: Quotes from the assembly today: "I will preserve in my studies." (Almost everyone said that during the student pledge. The word was "perservere.") "What's 'fidelity?' Is that like not having sex?" (The very bright and intelligent people sitting around me debated that for a few minutes.) "Let's make next year well!" (Ladies and gentlemen, our Student Council President. Dubya learned her her English good. ::cringes at having written that, even in joking::) Okay, so I now have two teachers set for recommendations. I didn't give them the forms though, I had trouble filling them out, so I figured I'd give myself time. The forms ask for strengths, weaknesses, "what experiences have turned you on academically?" (which I still don't understand), and "give three one word descriptors which tell about yourself." I have the most trouble with strengths and weaknesses. I know more of my own weaknesses than I'd care to recount and I'm not sure which ones I want to put on the form, lol. Already written: procrastination. And strengths? No idea. I guess "writing," but I don't know. Sitting here with my mom's copy of Anna Karenina, one of nine books I have to read this summer. It's really daunting. The rest of my summer reading list for school: A Prayer for Owen Meany - Irving A Doll's House - Ibsen King Lear - Shakespeare Wide Sargasso Sea - Rhys Portrait of the Artist - Joyce Death of a Salesman - Miller Inside the Walls of Troy: A Novel of the Women who Lived the Trojan War - McLaren Standing with Courage: Confronting Tough Decisions about Sex - Kurey [Most theology teachers should not be allowed into certain sections of bookstores; and if they are, they should be kept under strict watch.] Some are really long, but I hear that some are short. We'll see. Last year, I left almost all of the books until the last week, no way in hell I could get away with that this year. I'll need two weeks at least. ;-P Kidding. Planning on starting soon, so I can maybe have a leisurely reading period on each. What a dreary day. Too cold for June. Start work tonight at the library. I need new dress pants soon for that. Just checked the wordcount on this journal. If this were been one coherent storyline, I'd have novel of over 300 pages in the works by now. Somehow I was hoping that statement would inspire me to action, lol. Maybe it will yet. There are certain people to whom I should never have mentioned I have my driving permit. I'm on the verge of blocking them. Away message is up right now because of that. Living without regret is a nice idea. Wish it worked. I should go do something worthwile. I think I might start that Tolstoy book while scanning the harddrive for spyware... Oh, I have such an exciting life, lol. |
| My brother got his yearbook today. His quote? "Only the insane can truly propser." ::eye roll:: My mom was flipping out that that was his quote to be remembered by. He says that I told him to do it. I have absolutely no recollection of that, but even if I did, I was only joking. He's not good at telling the difference. His class's quotes overall bothered me though. Of most of the ones written by "Unknown," I knew who'd said them or at least where to look to find the author. And then, of the less than half which had names attached, at least four or five were by Michael Jordan. It's so wet tonight that as I was walking to the parking lot from my class, I passed so many worms stretched out on the sidewalk. They were drowning. The term should be "wholistic," dealing with something as a whole. "Holistic" implies that one is dealing with the void. This anthropology class keeps prompting ideas with me. I have quite a few poetic/philosophical phrases written in the margins. SAT II's on Saturday: Latin and US History. This should be interesting. I don't think I've lost much information since the AP test (and it's supposed to be easier than the AP test). Latin... let's just say that my Latin grammar needs brushing up. Paging through a book about IM/text messaging talk. I have never seen most of these in practice even in chats, newsgroups, message boards, etc. And they capitalized the first letter of each "word"... lol, but they have an emoticon of a bucktooth vampyr... :-E And others... Koala bear: @(*0*)@ Charlie Chaplin: c|:-=X Adolph Hitler: /:-=| Darth Vader: ( 8<=] A duck on a wall: _____2______ Déjà vu:  Geez, this book is written like a foreign language book--and I guess it could be considered that. Pages of "vocabulary" and then pages on how to carry out a conversation using it. And apparently, it's a British book. "You should put a plaster over your spots." Yeah, just checked the copyright stuff. Maybe that's why I have never seen most of this. (Then again, a surprising percentage of people on message boards and related media are British, or at least pretend to be.) Okay, done with that book. ::sighs, shakes head:: I actually did have a point to this entry, although it may have just been the "wholistic" vs. "holistic" thing. This entry is leaning towards the latter. This entire journal tends to lean towards the latter. I must be at least partially a hypochondriac... I got my glasses a few months short of a year ago. I never wore them at first, mostly out of being entirely shaken by the fact that those two tiny pieces of plastic/glass could so drastically change my visual perception of the world. I tried them on in the car on the way home and realized with a shock just how limited vision is. Little photons being forced through the eyes and into the brain. How easy it is to be fooled by your eyes. Light, shadow, illusion, distance, the physical. I'd known that all before but it hadn't connected, hadn't destroyed my confidence in the world as I knew/know it. Presque vu. Really tired, it could just be that I'm not thinking coherently. Déjà vu. School tomorrow, last day. Work tomorrow, first day. |
| Theme park trip was fun, though not as fun as the trip there with the boys. Felt like crap on the way home. The past two years, I had been sick (or practically incapacitated) on the day of this trip. This year, I made it to the trip, but on the busride home, my body decided that it wanted payback for letting me go. So I was very tired, vaguely nauseas, and had (well, still have) a moderately bad headache. Found a quote today while reading through articles: "You write to communicate to the hearts and minds of others what's burning inside you. And we edit to let the fire show through the smoke." - Arthur Plotnik (A quote which reminded me that I still have 50 pages left... I have been really busy though.) The past few weeks are so jumbled in my mind... Exams were some week in May, as were the AP exam, the other theme park trip, getting grades back, and the beginning of my course.... Can't remember what order it all came in, and I'm looking at a calendar of May and can't make any sense of the weeks. There's either one week too many or one weektoo few or I'm adding together days which shouldn't be added or mixing weeks together or... I have no idea what I'm doing... I'm hungry, but I have no desire to put anything into my stomach. Something else I was going to say... Doesn't matter. I need sleep. |
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