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just your average... er... correction: just your normal... correction: me. |
| The original title of this was "The Oscilloscope"... but too many days passed without a single page view. And then I wanted "Fighting the Current (hey... my canoe's missing!!!)" but no matter what I did to the title, it was at least 10 characters too long -- so I eventually just cut it off. All the titles do have multiple meanings though. This is my journal, as you probably know. We'll just have to see what I can do with it... I might write what's going on in my life, but it will most likely write whatever I feel like at the moment. Kind of like what I use as titles... |
| Not much to write. lol, I just took a Personality Disorder Test: Disorder | Rating Paranoid: Low Schizoid: Moderate Schizotypal: High Antisocial: Low Borderline: Low Histrionic: Low Narcissistic: Low Avoidant: Moderate Dependent: Low Obsessive-Compulsive: High URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv URL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/disorder_information2.html Schizotypal Many believe that schizotypal personality disorder represents mild schizophrenia. The disorder is characterized by odd forms of thinking and perceiving, and individuals with this disorder often seek isolation from others. They sometimes believe to have extra sensory ability or that unrelated events relate to them in some important way. They generally engage in eccentric behavior and have difficulty concentrating for long periods of time. Their speech is often over elaborate and difficult to follow. Obsessive-Compulsive Obsessive-Compulsive personality disorder is similar to obsessive-compulsive anxiety disorder. People with this disorder are overly focused on orderliness and perfection. Their need to do everything "right" often interferes with their productivity. They tend to get caught up in the details and miss the bigger picture. They set unreasonably high standards for themselves and others, and tend to be very critical of others when they do not live up to these high standards. They avoid working in teams, believing others to be too careless or incompetent. They avoid making decisions because they fear making mistakes and are rarely generous with their time or money. They often have difficulty expressing emotion. Schizoid People with schizoid personality disorder avoid relationships and do not show much emotion. They genuinely prefer to be alone and do not secretly wish for popularity. They tend to seek jobs that require little social contact. Their social skills are often weak and they do not show a need for attention or acceptance. They are perceived as humorless and distant and often are termed "loners." Avoidant Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social anxiety. People with this disorder often feel inadequate, avoid social situations, and seek out jobs with little contact with others. They are fearful of being rejected and worry about embarassing themselves in front of others. They exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations to rationalize avoiding them. Often, they will create fantasy worlds to substitute for the real one. Unlike schizoid personality disorder, avoidant people yearn for social relations yet feel they are unable to obtain them. They are frequently depressed and have low self-confidence. Small parts from each fit me. None are exact. Schizotypal fits very well though, scarily well. I was surprised paranoid was "low," but they were really asking the wrong questions, lol. I'm unique... Ah, and I took the Dante's Inferno Test: The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to the First Level of Hell - Limbo! Here is how you matched up against all the levels: Level | Score Purgatory - The Repentant Believers | Moderate Level 1 (Limbo) - The Virtuous Non-Believers | High Level 2 - The Lustful | Very Low Level 3 - The Gluttonous | Low Level 4 - The Prodigal, the Avaricious | Very Low Level 5 - The Wrathful, the Gloomy | Low Level 6 (The City of Dis) - The Heretics | Very Low Level 7 - The Violent, the Blashemers | Moderate Level 8 (The Malebolge) - The Fraudulent, the Malicious, the Panderers | Moderate Level 9 (Cocytus) - The Treacherous | Very Low Level descriptions: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-information.html Take the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-test.mv First Level of Hell - Limbo Charon ushers you across the river Acheron, and you find yourself upon the brink of grief's abysmal valley. You are in Limbo, a place of sorrow without torment. You encounter a seven-walled castle, and within those walls you find rolling fresh meadows illuminated by the light of reason, whereabout many shades dwell. These are the virtuous pagans, the great philosophers and authors, unbaptised children, and others unfit to enter the kingdom of heaven. You share company with Caesar, Homer, Virgil, Socrates, and Aristotle. There is no punishment here, and the atmosphere is peaceful, yet sad. At least I'll have good company in Limbo. Took that quiz three times. First time I got "Very High" under 8. Didn't think that fit me at all, everyone's deceitful on occasion. Took it again, got "Very High" for Purgatory. Didn't think I was deserving. So I took it again. Anyway, I need to remember my dreams better. Keep remembering fragments...as they happen. And I keep losing thoughts mid-train and having a very hard time of recovering them. This really isn't healthy. Especially when there's nothing which is distracting me. This is hilarious. Takes forever to load, but it's worth it. http://albinoblacksheep.com/flash/realhussein.php I have 7 CDs' worth of pictures dating back to last April. Not all the CDs are full. And the most recent two or three need to be sorted through and files named. Went to the library to see if they had articles from the 1930s. I have to go to the community college's library to use their microfiche for the New York Times. The sequel to The Matrix comes out in about two weeks. Don't know if I really want to see it or not. The first was awesome... Sequels tend to not live up to the first, hope the Wachowski Bros. didn't ruin their world. Phantom of the Opera is stuck in my head out of absolutely nowhere. I was listening to Sarah McLachlan or someone. Headaches are coming less frequently. Still around my eyes most of the time. My eyes keep getting light-sensitive on me. The computer screen is hurting them right now. I haven't even been at it that long. The lights in school keep doing the same thing. And random stars, which worry me. Really tired. It's been a long day. Tomorrow will be long as well. |
| SAT went as well as possible. Okay, aside from the fact that I left my ID at home and so spent the next twenty minutes in varying states of panic while I was on the phone with my mom at home, while I was asking the person in the office there what I could do if I didn't have it and no one could bring it, while I was waiting for my dad to bring it, and then while I was darting around trying to find a classroom for about the third time that morning, worried that I wouldn't be let in because I was late even though I was the third person in the room. I've never seen a school with more misleading signs. This computer is really acting up. All I want to do is burn pictures so I can have a free disk. Towns without sidewalks have always bothered me. I guess I'm just so used to having them that I could never rationalize not having somewhere to walk which was simultaneously out of the street and off people's properties. Okay, yeah, so it's cheaper to not build them. Doesn't change the fact that a lack of them bother me. Projects to start later. Ugh. Where am I supposed to find newspaper articles from the 1930s? CD having been burnt, I am going outside before the rain. |
| "Do what you can, with what you have, where you are." - Theodore Roosevelt Things went as well as possible I think. SAT tomorrow. Very tired. No studying done. "He is able who thinks he is able." - Buddha Ran outside during the breaks in the storm to get pictures. The sky was so dramatic. An occassional rumble of thunder. Love the smell of a rainstorm. I was reading aloud from Macbeth in the car just to annoy my brother. He said, "Macbeth's all about killing people and stuff, right?" "Well... yeah, essentially." "Oh, sort of like Oedipus who killed his father and married his mother?" ::stunned pause:: "HOW THE HELL DID YOU KNOW THAT?!" "The Simpsons." The things TV teaches kids. Later, my brother had a revelation. "Macbeth is written as a play?!!" "Yeah... Shakespeare did mostly write plays..." "But they kept it as a play in book form?" "Yeah... What, did you think they'd change it to 'And then Macbeth did this...'?" "YES! That's how books are!" Anyway, I have to do some reviewing. "Who seeks a faultless friend remains friendless." - Irish proverb |
| If I am not completely psychotic by the end of the year... Today has not been a very good day, nothing terrible, just generally not good. General bad mood, been apprehensive again as well. The TVs in school this morning ran a show about the Holocaust. Never a cheery start to the day, and what pissed me off was how the people in my homeroom were blowing off the Holocaust like it was nothing, they even said things to that effect. Sure, facts, figures: 6 million European Jews died. Fact: There are about 3 million visible stars in the night sky (not that that analogy would make any difference, too much light pollution around here). Okay, then another, possibly harder hitting fact: 6 million people is almost twice the size of Los Angeles. Third period, the Latin test from Hell--the teacher let us take it home to finish... And I still am lost on parts of it. Fourth period, pop quiz in history--I couldn't remember things we'd learned yesterday. I was expecting something terrible in precalc, but nothing transpired. Probably the only benefit to being somewhat pessimistic is that you cannot be let down. Not really anyone to talk to during sixth period. Seventh period was just boring. Eighth period, found out that my open book test is the next chapter and that the test I had today was not open-book, but I think I did well anyway. Stayed after for AP review, another thing I am severely underprepared for. Came home, I can't even remember what I did. Oh yeah, stressed about things. Called the community college only to find that they close their office at 4 PM so I won't be able to call until next week maybe. So I went outside with my camera because I needed severe mind-clearing. Didn't work too well. Got some interesting shots I think though. My mom was in a bad mood, she's sick and under deadline (and deadlines are always yesterday with her work). So I eat dinner and go back to attempting to do schoolwork. I did some, but not enough. Then I lay back and spaced out for half an hour before deciding to write in my paper journal. Did that for an hour. Flipped through old entries. Discovered I noticed the apprehension and general weirdness at least two weeks ago. Anyway, I need to write more often about good things that happen. I keep shaking tonight, everything shaking. Not seizure-like, but just shaking. Not good at all. A freaking bug almost sent me over the edge. There are these million legged bugs which love my house, and I absolutely abhor them. I can't stand them at all. I was going crazy trying to kill the damned thing as it was crawling through my carpet, and once I did, I kept feeling it crawling all over my fingertips (although it was most definitely in pieces on a tissue) until I washed my hand off. So then I was shaking after that, and couldn't calm down for a few minutes. ::sigh:: I'm eligible for my driver's license tomorrow. I flipped out earlier when my mom was suggesting that I have driving lessons with an instructor. I know nothing. No causes, no reasons, no drives. "It all keeps adding up, I think I'm cracking up..." - "Paranoid," Green Day I feel sick to my stomach. I'm not sure if I want it to be psychosomatic or something real. Today were the student council elections. Psst didn't make the office she ran for, although I voted for her. I knew who was going to win the presidency, it was obvious, although I really didn't want that person to. I was listening to the speeches this morning and kept finding parallels to real politics, everything but mudslinging. I was carrying around a chunk of concrete from the Berlin Wall today. My uncle happened to be in West Berlin at the right time and brought back pieces of it. I brought it in for history class. We just covered the building of it a few days ago. People were in awe of the little palm-sized rock splashed with paint. We were all born right around the time when the Wall came down. I don't know, history isn't real to most people until there's something concrete (no pun intended) to relate it to. I am terrible at comforting people. Never know what to say, I have no words when I need them. I can't do anything most of the time because I am not always anywhere near the people I'm trying to comfort. Been cursing a lot more these past two days. Another reasonless thing. And another headache now. Had headaches for the past few weeks, usually right above and around my eyes, or just a really sharp pain going through my skull. And recently, my eyes have just bothered me in certain lights. Wish I knew what was wrong. Then again, it's probably something I'd rather not know... I came downstairs an hour and a half ago to do homework. Guess how much I have done. |
| "Photography is a tool for dealing with things everybody knows about but isn’t attending to." - Emmit Gowin "As I progressed further with my project, it became obvious that it was really unimportant where I chose to photograph. The particular place simply provided an excuse to produce work. . .you can only see what you are ready to see--what mirrors your mind at that particular time." - George Tice "The greatest thing a human soul ever does in this world is see something and tell what he saw in a plain way. Hundreds of people can talk for one who can think. But thousands can think for one who can see. To see is poetry, prophecy, and religion, all in one." - John Ruskin Above is a drawn out way of saying: "A picture is worth a thousand words." We were talking about prophecy in Latin class today. About Sybil, who wrote prophecies for the entire future (now, of course, it's the history) of Rome and gave the books to one of its last kings. And then we started talking about Nostradamus. Which got me thinking: If prophecy is only "correctly" understood in retrospect, what is the point of writing it down? Especially prophecies about the End of the World, who is going to be there to look back and say, "Gee, that's right, this symbol represented..."? Idle wonderings. Surprised I remembered that thought train several hours after I had it. My eye/ear/sense for irony must have kicked in. "Stare. It is the way to educate your eye, and more. Stare, pry, listen, eavesdrop. Die knowing something. You are not here long." - Walker Evans That will be my excuse from now on. Two weeks to figure out my schedules and see if I want to take that job. Finding out sometime next week if I and another girl are splitting chief editor or if we're making a hierarchy of two (which would be really stupid, but stupid decisions have been made before). AP US Exam next Friday and no one is prepared. SAT Saturday. And I'm really screwed for it. I have to do major reviewing tonight. There is a question on a survey we got today in school: "What world problem or issue bothers you the most and why? Do you have any solutions?" Really think I'm going to leave that one blank. They don't need a thesis paper from my dark, paranoid, slightly disturbed mind. Besides, I really don't want counseling for something like that, lol. If they ask me outright for an answer, I'll make something up on the spot. They didn't ask me for any of the answers I left blank on the last survey. Senior prom was Friday night. An announcement came over the PA system yesterday morning, "A girl's undergarments were found under one of the tables. If they are yours, please come to the office to retrieve them." My entire homeroom burst out laughing, except one girl who said, "What are undergarments? Is that like underwear?" (And this girl got an academic scholarship Freshman year. I couldn't figure that out even during my Freshman year. ::eye roll::) People who do well in school without real intelligence and without much (or any) effort tend to get on my nerves. It's nice that they do well and all, but they don't even try to learn, if they even know what learning is. I know so many people who give their all just to get mediocre grades, and I'm positive they're taking away more than those I described in the beginning of this paragraph. Set up another college visit. I have to call the community college this week to see if they got my registration. I should have gotten a slip by now. Latin test tomorrow. ::sigh:: I learn so much better when we do not have tests. We haven't had a test for a long while in English and I feel like we've actually gotten something done. We haven't had a test for a while in Latin either and I feel like I've learned a lot more about the people and the time period and the poems. This was all probably because I was in a mode to remember things for my own personal use rather than just memorizing to write down on a test. Things to do. |
| So tired today. And sore. I stretched for the first time in several weeks, and I stretched too far. Oh well. Today flew by. Even Physics moved quickly. Of course, I have a test in that dreaded subject tomorrow and I have hardly studied. I have not had the motivation to do anything much recently. Thank God the school year is almost over. I couldn't last much longer with six (give or take) courses a day... SATs on Saturday and I have hardly prepared. Got a very informal job offer today. It would be for this summer and all next year, part time. Weighing pros and cons. More pros than cons... And I think I've just been talked into going for it. Spent an hour and a half outside with my camera. I really need to find some sort of contest. There was one nearby recently, but I waited too long and missed the deadline. ::sigh:: |
| "You came in with the breeze On Sunday morning You sure have changed since yesterday Without any warning I thought I knew you ... You're not looking like you used to You're on the other side of the mirror So nothing's looking quite as clear Thank you for turning on the lights Thank you, now you're the parasite I didn't think you had it in you And now you're looking like I used to!" -"Sunday Morning," No Doubt Realized I have no "feel good," happy-ish music in my collection. Well, a little here and there, but no entire CD. The closest thing I have is "Tragic Kingdom" by No Doubt. So I was listening to that this morning while I got ready and worked on my project a little. All Friday morning I was so angry. Not really any particular reason either. Half of me was looking for a heated argument, half of me was very worried that I'd blow up at someone. Not myself at all. Then again, a lot of people haven't quite been themselves recently. I have a terrible habit of ignoring things and hoping they'll go away. Good example: I always used to twist, pull, sprain things when I was in acrobatics, and I would typically attempt to walk it off or act like nothing had happened. That wasn't always the best treatment, and I could never pull it off. "Once in while I sit back And think about the planet And most of the time I trip on it To sit back and think about How massive it all is And how many others are on it" - "Different People," No Doubt Concert was today. It was about average. But my name was spelled right in the program for the first time in three years! This is an occassion worth celebrating. Or not. I put down the book about the philosophy of The Matrix and picked up House of Leaves. Bad move. It's not bad so far, but it's too riveting and too provoking, and one of those books I'd get easily lost in. I want to keep reading, but I know better... And I really don't want to gain a fear of the dark. English project to finish. Immediately. I don't want to be up until 1 or 2 AM, as is my usual for Sundays. |
| A friend, to me: "I think those are the brightest colors I've ever seen you wear." My response: "I think they're the brightest colors I've ever seen myself wear." My skirt is a vibrant shade of coral, my shirt is yellow with red, coral, and pink flowers on it, and my socks are yellow. I'm wearing matching make-up. Bright red nail polish. Bright red lipstick. Pinkish eye-shadow. And way too much mascara. The sides of my hair are curled. The back is wavy. I walked down to the library with my jacket zipped all the way up and pants on instead of the skirt. My mom still feared that I would get picked up. Had fun playing Rita Skeeter. I didn't take it as far as I originally intended to, but I was worn out. I did, however, take candid shots of people (and discovered that my camera has an extremely long lapse), take notes on everything and everyone, and was able to present the "facts" I discovered at the end of the party: "The pumpkin juice is... scandal of scandals... Sunny Delight!" "Professor McGonagal has a drug abuse problem. Not to mention she's taken up smoking Cuban cigars." "I've seen several covert smugglings of wands. Even Hermione was sighted giving a muggle a wand in exchange for a single glass pumpkin juice." "Peeves must have died before he reached the legal drinking age, judging by how he adamantly refused even butterbeer, thinking it was alcoholic." And the best: "When I interviewed Hermione, she said she is, and I quote, 'very good with a wand.' I hadn't expected such an innuendo out of her. In the middle of that interview, she left for the bathroom. Quite the opportune escape." (The moderator usually chastises comments like those, especially when words are twisted as I twisted them, but she was too busy doing a poor job of hiding her laughter.) I walked home in full garb. Past a group of people waiting to get prom pictures. That satisfied my mischievousness a little bit. (Another slight satisfaction for mischievousness: "borrowing" a girl's nametag this morning. I kept fingering it every time she looked in my direction, and she still didn't notice. After fifteen minutes, school was starting and I said nonchalantly to her, while looking at the nametag I was wearing, "I really can't see why you cross your k in your signature." She didn't catch on at first, then her eyes bugged out of her skull. We started laughing and I gave her her nametag back. I really think I might have been able to keep it all weekend if I'd tried, lol.) Oh yeah, I had black buckled shoes on. I hadn't worn them in years and forgot they weren't the most comfortable shoes... Oh well, they fit the look. My mascara is coming off in flakes. I got to cover my brother from head to toe in baby powder. Which was so much fun in the wind (not sarcastic, lol, I was upwind). And then I used shimmery eyeshadow on his face to give him a glow. Then I made his face look gaunt and old with darker shadings. Wow, I feel accomplished, proud, and vaguely embarassed. An area highschool's senior English classes were studying other schools' literary magazines. Out of all the poems in several school's magazines, several of my poems were chosen to be analyzed and such. (In all, I have maybe ten or twelve poems published in the two finished issues.) Red nail polish is simply not my color. I feel like either a hooker or a secretary, I can't decide which. Or a hair stylist, which isn't surprising, considering what I was doing earlier. I was making a friend's flat, thin hair look like Hermione's without using a curling iron... It ended up being about as similar to Hermione's hair as possible for her. We were both shocked. The school hired a self-billed Christian magician to do a show today. It wasn't the worst magic show I've seen. It actually wasn't all that bad. However, I was worried that it would take a turn for the worst when he said, "My license plate quotes Matthew Chapter 11, Verse 8..." A semi-speech came of it, but nothing as bad as I feared. And through the entire thing, he was reassuring the audience that everything was fake. No such thing as real magic. So I guess aside from the Scripture quote and half-preaching about our futures, that reassurance was to keep with the "Christian magician" thing. I overheard people discussing the magician this morning before the assembly. "Christian magician? What does he do, pull Jesus out of a hat?" Explored a used bookstore today after school. I have to go back there some time, lol. Not really a bad day at all. There is still some strange thrill in walking down the street all dressed as something, even if people think you're a little nuts. I've done it several times now... not counting Halloween. |
| For all the like-mindednesses, I cannot know when to be sympathetic if I have not been told by anyone either directly or indirectly. Achiness is gone almost entirely. I can't figure out if the rest is real or psychosomatic. I am such a bundle of contradictions. I am a pessimist, but at the same time believe that everything is for the best. I fear, but I manage to muster up unknown courage when the need arises. I do things on a whim, and yet I write lists for myself. Human nature is a contradiction. Started reading a book on the philosophy of The Matrix. Probably not the best thing for me to read. I reiterate my opinion that Emily Dickinson had it so f---ing easy. Today dragged by so slowly, then it flew, then it dragged, then it flew, and now it is dragging again... I just thought I'd neglected an IM for five minutes... It hadn't even been one. Tiredness doesn't help me. I need to keep a log of everything I do. Then maybe I won't confuse what I've done on what days. "Have you talked to so-and-so today?" "No. Wait... maybe I did. Or not... Or so... Well, I spoke with them sometime within the last... week?" My inability to comprehend English at times really isn't altered by outbursts of Gaelic and German. A friend said to me last night that I should become a hippy. Then people wouldn't question anything I say or do and I wouldn't have to care. I told him I couldn't do that. My imagination already has a habit of producing things which would either terrify or enthrall LSD addicts. Today has been a real code blue for conversation. The longest conversation I've had with anyone today was chatting for five or ten minutes with another tutor (who I don't think I'd ever said more than five words to) while we were waiting for people to come. I've been very, very apprehensive lately for no reason. And vaguely apathetic. And extremely mischievous, but no idea where that one came from. Too much thought. And I ponder instinct again... Too suggestible... One of these days I'll be raving and won't be able to stop. Not the glowstick kind either. The more I think, the more I think I should put down the Matrix book until I'm more sure-footed. And the more I think, the more my brain shuts down and pleads weakly for sleep. |
| Just ten minutes ago, someone instant messaged me with "Good morning." Finally finished my Latin paper and I'm waiting for it to finish printing and all. It only took me five hours to write 6-8 pages (depending on spacing) of complete fiction in journal entry form. I wrote a journal from the point of view of a Roman woman whose husband was a member of the conspiracy which killed Julius Caesar and eventually (long story) she becomes a slave to a wealthy family. The thing is, if I had started writing that when I got home from school, I would have been done at 9 o'clock or thereabouts. If I had started it at 5, I would have been done at 10. Why do I bring this on myself? I need to drop this procrastination habit. My hands weren't as achy today, which is a good sign. Finally. Bed... |
| My hands have been achy for the past few hours. Advil's not helping. I had to take one a little bit ago, and had to eat with it. I was sitting there eating leftovers when I decided to take a vitamin at the same time. The green gel Advil was sitting next to the red vitamin. It looked very much like the pills from The Matrix. Took the red one first. It didn't work. I am too easily amused. Took my twinkle filter outside just about an hour ago to take night pictures. It as well as my makeshift lens holder worked very nicely. Well, it's easier to appreciate the composition and such when you're not terrified that you're going to be attacked by a rabid animal or sprayed by a skunk... Or worried about who else might be wandering the streets at night. There was a strawberry in the fruit salad today that everyone swore looked like a chicken. And it did. It looked like a chicken without a beak. It was so weird. Then somebody made a beak for it and its resemblance to a chicken was startling, except that it was really small, really red, and looked like a strawberry. Genetic engineering to appeal to human carnivores?... I'd much rather be deep than shallow, but I there is a point at which too much depth becomes unhealthy. That Nietzche quote... about the Abyss staring back... "Ná nocht d'fhiacla go bhféadair an greim do bhreith." ("Don't bare your teeth until you can bite.") - Irish proverb The website that was on related it to The Art of War by Sun Tzu. I listened to that on tape. It was very, very thought provoking. But there's no way anyone can fully absorb it all in one shot. I've thought about playing it while I sleep... Wondered what the results might be... I think the reason why I have been so prolific in this journal recently is because I have not been writing anywhere else, although I've meant to. So long as the lines do not blur... And my wrist and hand are still sore. I should rest them. |
| No reason to make filters for my camera. My grandfather found some old ones literally lying around. I now have a twinkle filter and a polarizer. I consulted him this morning on what would be good to make a twinkle filter, and he said he'd try to think of some good fibers and such. Then he brought them to dinner today. Turns out they're some of my uncle's old ones. lol, He has enough of them to spare. Very happy about this, could have used them before though. But they don't fit my lens (argh, the hassles of a digital camera balance the benefits) so I have to devise a system for attaching them to my camera. I might just buy extra converter adapters and play with superglue, I'm just afraid of destroying the filters. Family was over today for Easter dinner. (Happy Easter/Holidays!) They have great senses of humor (probably because they're so similar to mine, gee, I wonder why...). The birdsong clock in my back room chirped the hour and it set my two uncles off onto ideas of different sounds-clocks. They went back and forth with the idea of a "Sounds of New York City" clock. Certain times would be car horns, cursing, subway doors, and 2 AM would be a really loud car alarm. One of them spent a good while laughing and telling about his business plane-ride to Florida. They changed planes in Georgia, refueled, and then had to take all the fuel out to measure it and then put it back in. He spent a while making fun of the plane's video, which said: "Some seat cushions float." (without specifying which) and "The door weighs 45 lbs. If you do not feel that you would be able to move the door in an emergency, please change seats now." (He looked to the door, and an elderly couple was sitting next to it.) and "Your best exit may be behind you." (Buddhist wisdom on the go.) A Latin teacher at another school was appalled that my teacher does not force us to read the Psalms in Latin. I am so happy for that. I think I'd be sick of the Psalms very quickly. We did the Nativity in Latin at Christmastime. That Latin was easier, but probably only because I've heard the story a million times. I got a gift certificate to a garden store with some candy today. My garden is a little barren right now. Downloaded pictures today. I have to go through them sometime soon. And my Latin project remains hardly touched. Once I get started, I think I'll be able to move quickly. Of course, I obtain lenses and within an hour the sky completely clouds over so I can't test them. Eek! The nails of my right hand are a shade of pinkish lavender. Not good. Okay, slowing fading to the right color... On to research. Busy day tomorrow. |
| I just realized this morning that I have not been able to sleep in later than 9 all break. And I won't be able to tomorrow either. Oh well. I was up at 8:30 for mass this morning, and I was fighting to keep from nodding off. Afterwards, I went outside with my camera and woke up considerably. Now I'm in a very good mood. If I'm up early (usually of my own volition, but strangely not in this case) and have something to occupy me (like photo-ops or a meteor shower or something), I tend to be in a good mood. Sometime last year the peak of a meteor shower was supposed to be at 3 AM. I woke up at five of, before anyone's alarms went off (including mine) and before anyone else was up. I was psyched about it, and spent the next hour or two just watching the sky. It was really amazing. Slightly annoyed though. I completely forgot to recharge my camera battery when it ran out. I have two and always keep one fully charged. Just didn't take it out of my camera bag I guess. My library's doing a Harry Potter party this week. I was debating which character to be for it and finally decided on Rita Skeeter. I have almost none of her physical attributes, but I can make up for that in sheer annoyance factor I think. And I'm thinking I'll give her a New York accent just for originality, lol. It would give me an excuse to be in everyone's hair and carry my camera around and take notes on people. Watch, it'll be postponed like every other library function. Went through my entire journal last night and saved all the entries to disk. It didn't take as long as I thought it would, although it did end up being 144 pages or thereabouts... I want to go back through and make a commentary--expand for myself on what was going on at the time and why I wrote what I did. No idea how much I'll remember, but it's worth a shot. Gonna check that battery, maybe use it for a while and charge the other one completely. |
| I am a coward. Courage comes from feeling a fear and facing it down. I fear and I am paralyzed, a deer in the headlights. No, not even a deer in the headlights. People pay attention when they see a deer in the road, they swerve--a deer will cause too much damage to their car. I am a squirrel in the headlights. A squirrel is a little bump in the road which makes things interesting, and, who knows, it might wake up a sleeping driver once in a while, but nothing more. A squirrel is small enough to easily miss. A squirrel is also small enough that some will purposely aim to hit it. It's a tiny, insignificant life which does not matter at all... That went on from there in my head, but by the time I started writing, I lost part of it. I really am much better off if I do not think. Is speaking in metaphors a bad thing? Why do I even ask? I don't care what people think about that. Speaking in metaphors is just something I do, and will continue to do. It can be much easier than being straightforward. I do not always tell the truth, but I rarely outright lie. I do not usually try to mislead, but interpretations will vary. It's not my fault some people cannot think in metaphors. |
| Kept forgetting to write a quote from my Physics teacher. This was several weeks ago now. We were discussing the lock-down drill and terrorism and generally getting off-topic when he said, "You really need a little paranoia in your lives." And went on to describe the drills he went through for atom bomb attacks. I almost laughed out loud at his opening sentence. No, thank you, I do not need any more paranoia than I create for myself. He finished his speech and I said directly and civilly to him (in other words, I was really holding back the tone I wanted to say it with) "At least you knew who the enemy was and where they lived." He conceded silently and didn't say anything for a minute or so, and never followed up on my comment. Not that I'm typically a vengeful person, but I know that he is. Toured another college today. Nice for an urban place, but I don't know if urban is what I want. I'm too easily suggestible some times. This computer chair is so annoying, my legs keep falling asleep in it. Latin project due Wednesday. Wonderful, I have nothing done. I think I might write journal entries from the point of view of a Roman woman. I could really make that interesting, especially considering that Roman women were not to be highly educated, but I have to look up historical details and make the entries fit the time period. I can't remember if the women of ancient Rome were typically literate or not. Wow, break is fleeing before me. My room has hardly changed, I've only re-edited five pages, can't even think of anything else I've done and not done. ::sigh:: There is never enough time. It's too late to be this early. Don't ask, I'm not even sure what that was supposed to mean. Argh, have not written much over break. The most I've written has been in this journal and writing down every detail of that dream. I think I wrote a line of a poem. I have so many excellent single lines, but they need much more. I have two and a half disposable cameras waiting to be developed. I want those pictures! Argh. Minor annoyance. I've been asking to have the one developed since... December, maybe? Ah... forgot to download my pictures... I should get to that. And again, I sigh... Hopefully in unison with no one... |
| Weird dream last night. Not that my dreams are ever not weird. But it was weird nonetheless. There was something about either a ship or a plane crashing into a dried-up ocean or a really flat desert (but there was no dust, it was clear to the horizon). There was only a small group of people who survived the crash of whatever it was, and so much bitter physical infighting I was surprised at the number which made it to the first oasis/island/whatever-the-heck-it-was. But after we got to the first island, we stopped fighting alltogether. So we started island/oasis-hopping to get back to civilization. It had some interesting results, to say the least. At one point, my Latin teacher knocked on a bright red door on the edge of one of the oases (there were no walls though) and I let her in. We made small talk, like she had just caught me in the hallway. She was asking me how the trip was going. I kept wondering how she got out in the middle of the desert and why the hell she wasn't offering to take us back or at least drop us off somewhere where we wouldn't die quite so easily. By the end, the search for civilization had turned into an expedition, bringing people in from the outside to explore with us. As usual, elaborate and vibrant scenery. Anyway, it's too early to clean, although my room would look to the untrained eye as if there had been almost no change from when I started yesterday. I'm hungry. I guess that means I have to eat. Then I think I'll read. |
| Been cleaning my room on and off all day. I was on a roll just now, but apparently my dresser had too much dust collected on it and I kept coughing. It needs to be cleaned, but I'm not doing the best of jobs... I cannot do things when I am asked (although "threatened" is a different matter). If I am asked to practice piano, I won't. But I'll be inspired and start playing something, whether assigned or not. If I'm told to fold the clothes, I'll forget. But if I see a pile of unfolded clothes sitting on the couch, or if the dryer finishes, and no one's around, I'll fold every single piece and carry the basket upstairs. If I'm asked to go out and exercise, there's no way I'm doing it. But I'll ride the exercise bike for half an hour or more or I'll walk for miles, so long as no one prompts me. If I'm told to clean my room, I can't. But I'll get a random urge to clean, hence the never-quite-improving-yet-always-changing state of my room. I just prefer to do things on a whim, without any observers, without any thanks. I only want attention and praise when those alone are what I'm striving for, otherwise I get really embarrassed for some reason. Maybe I'm afraid of being unable to live up to expectations... Who knows... I think too much for my own good. I've proven to myself time and again that I work much better when I rely on instinct. I'd get higher scores if I went with my first instinct instead of over-analyzing. When things go wrong and call for immediate action (immediate being five seconds or less) I stop thinking and go to work and things are usually fine. That must be the answer to everything, I'll just space out the rest of my life, act on instinct alone, and sail through it, lol. Yeah. Right. lol "I never make stupid mistakes. Only very, very clever ones." - John Peel I have such a tendency to learn vicariously. On the one hand, it's really annoying. On the other, I can sympathize with virtually any situation. "The most beautiful things are those that madness prompts and reason writes." - André Gide Déjà vu-y again today. "Writing comes more easily if you have something to say." - Sholem Asch No wonder many people can't write at all... "If I don't write to empty my mind, I go mad. As to that regular, uninterrupted love of writing... I do not understand it. I feel it as a torture, which I must get rid of, but never as a pleasure. On the contrary, I think composition a great pain." - Lord Byron There are days when I whole-heartedly agree with that statement above. There's just too much and something has to go, but I won't let myself forget anything... So onto the paper it goes... and goes... and goes... Emily Dickinson had it so freaking easy. She could lock herself up and nobody would bother her. She had to answer to no one, she was left to her own devices. She could hide from the world when she so chose (which was all the time, but at least she had the ability to). If only it were that easy... ::sigh:: Then again, knowing me, some days I'd need an escape from solitude and my own twisted ideas and just decide to go for a stroll or talk someone's ear off, only to go back into seclusion soon afterwards. Gotta keep people on their toes. In today's day and age, what she did simply cannot be done--unless you are in some sort of religious cloister, and that would drive me insane. (::shudders at the thought of an everyday routine which goes on for decades::) Then again, I'm not usually one to take the path of least resistance, which is most definitely what she did. A friend just offered to be a recluse with me. That just strikes me as defeating the purpose; nevertheless, it made me laugh. I suggested we could do a reality TV show on a community access channel, but only if there were hidden cameras. "What I like in a good author isn't what he says, but what he whispers." - Logan Pearsall Smith |
| For the past week or so I've lacked most motivation. Haven't been getting to my homework until about 9 o'clock or so, and rarely getting much done, leaving it for the next day. Just spent about another hour goofing off. I was writing my journal and drawing on my hand. In eighth grade, I used to draw really intricate patterns on my fingers when I was bored, or I'd design them on loose leaf. Today, it started out as a pattern around my pinky nail and then I just kept going. Stared at it a while, then took a picture, and then scrubbed my hand. There are still faint traces of ink on my fingers... I had no intention of making any coherent design, but by the time I was done, there were semi-compasses on my fingers and lines down my knuckles like a cat's retracted claws. Then I realized it looked something like a stylized tiger paw, so that's what I decided it was. Twenty minute class-periods tomorrow. Hardly seems worth it. I know of at least two classes where we actually will work tomorrow. Trig/Precalc and AP US History. It's almost 11 and I have little homework done. I have to write a reaction to a movie we watched, and connect it to the Morality book... ugh... The course seems to be going nowhere fast... |
| So tired. I'm blaming the one advil I took. It helped my headache, but I'm too sensitive to advil and certain other things. I think I'm getting sick again. Argh. Not enough to miss school, just enough to be slightly miserable. My bonzai has grown mold. I'm leaving it in the sun for a few days. And I was watering it actually less than the little booklet said to. Physics test tomorrow, but I'm too tired to care. I've barely touched my homework. God, I need Easter Break... five solid days off. Time off with little to do... but projects. I'd rather have projects than tests, but... ugh... Pointless projects are... um, pointless? I'm sorry, but I don't really have much desire to write postcards from ancient Rome... My vision's going all weird like it does right when my brain starts to go all weird when I'm really tired. If any of that made sense. It took me long enough to figure out words for that. Not good. I'm screwed for physics and haven't yet touched my precalc homework. I was very active this weekend. Walking, gardening, yardwork, random activity. It carried over into today. Came home, took a walk for over an hour. 400+ pictures to download over Easter. My sense of time is so screwed up. Always had troubles with judging time. Yesterday I knew I had something on Monday--which Monday, I couldn't remember. I knew I had some sort of plans on some Monday, last Monday, today, or next Monday, I really had no clue. Maybe I'm just so tired I'm feeling sick. |
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