I just finished reading your story. And I liked the original concept of it. But that's all I liked about it.
The first thing I noticed is that there is capitalization. There was no capitalization of the first word of a sentence or a paragraph. And no 'Is' capitalized either. It didn't matter if they were single 'Is' or part of a contraction they should have been capitalized.
There were several mistakes with words that should have ended in an 's.' The first one I saw was 'moves instead of move.' Another one could have been daydreams instead of daydream. But this one could also be daydreaming too.
You also made some mistakes with the wrong word too. The first one I saw was 'make not made.'
After the first three or four paragraphs I stopped writing down hints in the review section. I continued reading your story. But I had a hard timing doing it. Not just because of the mistakes mentioned above, but because it was confusing to me.
Did you write this story on Writing.com? Or did you use a Word Processor? The reason why I ask is because if it was a Word Processor it should have pointed out some, if not all, of these mistakes.
Like I said above I liked the concept of your story. You just need to re-write it - pretty much from scratch. But keep on writing.
I just finished reading your story. And I liked it very much.
I'm not a big fan of "end of the Earth" storylines. Because I know it's never going to happen. But most people do like stories like this.
Don't get me wrong I do like reading stories like this - especially since it's an Anniversary Short Story. If it's Science Fiction I will read it.
The only mistakes, if they are mistakes, you made is that the none-dialogue paragraphs have a lot of commas in them. I'm not very good a grammar but I don't think you are supposed to be using so many commas. A lot of commas you used could, and should, have been periods. With the next word the start of a new sentence. At least I think they should be. But I am probably wrong about that.
Like I said above I like your story. Keep on writing.
I just finished reading your story. And I liked it very much.
The only mistake, I think I found, was with the last sentence. Shouldn't it be either 'heading for the next galaxy' or 'heading off to the next galaxy?' Probably the second one since it's only one letter off anyway.
Like I said above I liked it very much. Keep on writing.
I just finished reading your story. and I liked it very much.
The title might have been better. There isn't anything wrong with your title. But I would have been come up with a different one. Like "Lisa and Lisa 2, Jacob and Jacob 2" or "The Memories of Lisa and Jacob Live On" etc..
Other than that I couldn't find anything wrong, and again this wasn't wrong either, with your story. Keep on writing.
I just finished reading your story. And I liked it very much. In fact I am going to give you a 'like' as soon as I finish this review.
The only thing I could see wrong with your story was your mixture of Past and Present Tenses. You started out using Past Tense. Then you began using Present Tense.
Since these are journal entries I could be wrong about this being a mistake on your part. I'm not sure if Tenses apply when it comes to journals/diaries/blogs. I know blogs aren't personal. But diaries and journals usually are. So I am probably wrong about Tenses too.
Other than Tenses I couldn't see anything else wrong, or that might be wrong, with your story. And like I said above I liked your story very much. Keep on writing.
I just finished this story. And I liked it. In fact I am going to give you a 'like' when get finished with this review.
It was a little confusing to me. Sometimes it sounded like they were the giant lizards and sometimes it sounded like they were another race.
Did Mark crash land on your planet? Or did he come to your planet on purpose? It sounded to me that he came alone. And you mentioned others were coming. But why would he come alone? I think it would have been better if he was part of a small colony of Humans. Or was he part of a small colony - and he's the only survival so far?
The only error in grammar I seen that you made is it should have been "Council to let us" instead of "Council let us" like you wrote it.
I just finished reading your story. And I liked it. in fact, I am going to give you a 'like' when I get done reviewing this story.
Romance isn't really my type of story. But it is one of the four genres in these Contest. So if I want to keep on entering this contest, even though I know I don't have to enter all of them, I need to adjust.
The only real problem you might have with your entry is that the first and last paragraphs you have mixed Tenses. It might be the prompt that you used, that's why I choice prompt two, but usually mixing Tenses is a no, no.
Other than that I didn't see anything wrong with your story. Keep on writing.
I just read your story, and I liked it very much. In fact I am going to give you a 'like' when I get finished with this review.
There isn't much I can say about your story. At least not when it comes to your writing. I didn't see anything wrong with it.
If I did have to say anything negative about it then it would be you starting each sentence with the word 'She.' There isn't anything wrong with that but it's just not something I don't like to do. For me, there has to be two or more sentences or paragraphs before I use a word again.
The only other thing I might have had a problem with is your ending. It seem to me to just end. She could have gotten herself out of her mortification. Maybe her lover-to-be, and his friends, that it was funny - and laughed about it. Of course, she would think they were laughing at her. Once she realized he, they, weren't laughing at her that could have been her way into his life - and making her dreams come true.
Like I said above I liked your story very much. Keep on writing.
I think that I found a few mistakes within your story. The main one is your Word Count. You forgot to put it in your Description Section or at the top or bottom of your story. I see why you did it - and I hope for your sake the judges don't find out just how long your story really is. If they do you probably will be disqualified. Don't worry, I'm not going to tell them that your Word Count is about 5,602 - but they might figure it out on their own.
The other main mistake you made was your POV. Who was your POV for this story? It looked to me like you jumped back and forth between two or three several times.
Another mistake I think you made a few times was Line Spacing. There were a few you didn't space between paragraphs.
I was told recently in a review that we should use the word 'but' and 'and' too much to start a sentence or a paragraph. A few is okay I think since the winning stories for this Contest had a few, but I don't think eleven is considered a few.
At first I didn't think I would like this story - but I did like it very much though. That was because it didn't look like my type of story, but once I got past the 'money exposure mistake':) I realized my first thought was wrong.
Did you make a mistake in the first sentence? Shouldn't the 'two' be a 'too' in that sentence.
I think the word curare should be capitalized. Shouldn't it be Curare instead of curare - but I could be wrong about that. My grammar isn't very good.
Don't get me wrong. Like I said above I liked this story very much. I do like to read this type if story. In fact I am going to give it a 'like' once I submit this review.
I messed up. And I am very sorry about that. When I went back to maybe read and review another story I noticed they did put in a Word Count. So I went back into your story. And I noticed you did include a Word Count too.
I just finished reading your story. And I liked it very much. But I notices a couple of mistakes you made. Not with the story itself because I see anything wrong with that.
What I noticed as mistakes, and I don't know if it will hurt you in the contest or not, is that you did use all the words in the list. But you didn't 'bold' them. Also you didn't put in a 'Word Count' either at the beginning or end of your story. I personally prefer to do it at the beginning, unless the Rules say different, but I don't think it matters where you put it - as long as you put it.
If I did find any mistakes, and I don't consider them to be mistakes, is the 'Surprise' birthday party. I expected that is what her day was leading up to. True, I didn't know how it was going to play out. But I did expect it to happen. I'm also wondering about one more thing. When you mentioned all of her friends being at her party you didn't mention George. You did mention 'all her friends' so that probably included George. Did he come back for the party?
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