These are very nice senryu about a great subject - coffee. Being a great fan of coffee myself, I really appreciate these. I think you have done a great job with the form and format of these little poems also.
This is an interesting little poem written in a senryu/haiku format. I hope you did well in the contest. I'm not sure I consider this to be a senryu, but then I am not an expert. The poem does have a nice sentiment.
I really enjoyed your poem about musical athletes, and I have to wonder what kind of instruments they are playing. This has a mildly erotic side to it. Very nice. You did a good job with the haiku form also. Only one small change I would make - no period of the word 'games'. Other than that, no grammatical or typing errors.
I really enjoyed your haiku about the little sparrow. There are only a few changes I would make to improve it. Leave the comma out after the word 'cold'. And do not capitalize the lines. By leaving the comma out, it makes the reader stop and wonder 'is the sparrow cold?', or 'is it just cold outside?' Haikus are often written to leave the reader wondering. However, the way you have written it does not detract from the beauty of the poem. Either way is fine.
This is an excellent haiku. You understand the form of the haiku really well. So many people just string 17 syllables together in the right format and call it a haiku, but yours really captures the essence of the form.
I enjoyed reading your poem and the subject of it also.
I really liked your little poem about the boy and the ocean. You did an excellent job of creating your images, and I must conclude that you are one which knows the ocean fairly well. I was all ready to find fault if there was any little thing that did not convince me you knew the ocean, since I am a California beach girl. I found nothing to criticize. There is not even a typo or grammatical error.
Congratulations on your win in the flash fiction contest. This is an excellent and beautifully told story, with an unexpected and sad ending. You have done a great job with this short genre, and I can find no complaints. No grammatical errors, no typos, nothing.
I really enjoyed reading your little character sketch for Reno. I hope you have finished the whole story by now. Reno sounds like a very interesting person, and I find myself wondering what universe he lives in, who he is, and exactly what he does. Leaving the reader wanting more is the mark of a great writier.
I also liked the way the title goes along so well with the story. I hope the two will revisit one another in future chapters.
No obvious grammatical errors, misspellings or anything else.
I loved your little story about two men searching. It is beautiful and very well written. And the silent underlying conversation between the two speaks volumes. And your character descriptions really bring your characters to life.
And on a side note, it brought back a wonderful memory for me of going to the local market and ordering meat from the butcher, watching him carefully weigh it and wrap it and hand it to me. I think I was about 13 or 14 at the time. Still live in the same small town. LOL. Well, that has nothing to do with the review, just wanted to share it.
I see no grammatical or spelling errors, or even typos.
This is a very good beginning to your fantasy epic. I have to wonder if you have finally written it. I hope so. I really liked the names you made up for your characters and your peoples. I love making up names for my stories.
Just a few minor things:
For with her cry came great wind - think it should be "a" great wind.
“Lord Amanë, my people, the Ravendori, they had betrayed my every wish. - my people, the Ravendori, HAVE betrayed ....
Yuu don't need 'they' in the sentence, and 'had' is the wrong tense.
Other than that, I really like your writing style. I can tell that you are much more advanced then most of the things I read here on writing.com.
I really liked your little flash fiction story, and was intrigued by your mention of the "Prose" site. I will have to check it out, assuming it is still around after all these years.
This is a good story, but I think it needs to be cleaned up a little.
For example, these lines don't really flow with the rest of the story:
Deep stress lines in my forehead told of late night worries of a cops wife, the kids and the bills.
A husband that rarely showed his face in time for dinner; there was always another crook to catch.
He was a stranger that shared my bed, and on occasions would include me into his love making.
First you are describing yourself, then all of a sudden you are talking about your husband. First of all it should be "cop's". Just a little typo, I am sure.
I think it would read better if you leave 'the kids and the bills.' out of the sentence.
'He was a husband that rarely showed his face in time for dinner. He was a stranger in my bed who on occasion included me in his love making.' reads a little better.
I really enjoyed reading your little Valentine poem. It is short, sweet and to the point. Sorry you couldn't be home at the time, but I hope you are happily home these days.
Technically, the poem has a nice flow and rhythm, and I saw no obvious grammatical errors.
Congratulations on your win in the contest, and also for being featured in the Short Story Newsletter.
I really enjoyed your little story, and liked the way you told it from the point of view of a dying crayon. It is very original. I love crayons, and promise you I will not let any die in the hot sun. LOL.
One small typo:
life out their little bodies. - should be out 'of' their
It is easy to over look the little things. Best Wishes, Cynaemon
I really loved the humor in your funny and erotic little poem. Thanks so much for the laugh. I also like the way you only imply things, leaving the reader the full use of their imagination. Thanks for sharing. I love writing erotica. Best Wishes, Cynaemon
Congratulations on winning third place in the newbie poetry contest for November 2014.
I really enjoyed reading your poem. Technically it has a nice rhythm and flow, and there are no obvious grammatical or spelling errors. I also liked the feeling of hope in your poem. Keep up the good work. Best Wishes, Cynaemon
I really enjoyed reading your very romantic poem. It has a nice flow and rhythm, and I like the way the last line of each verse ties the whole together.
Just a few minor changes that I would make, but these are just my opinions, and certainly not something that you have to do. The poem as it is a great.
Than an oyster their pearl - I think "than an oyster's pearl" reads better
Last time I checked
You made it stand
The hair on my neck
With a touch of your hand
In this verse I would change the positions of lines two and three:
Last time I checked
The hair on my neck
You made it stand
With a touch of your hand.
Of course I can see why you wrote it the way you did, since your poem has alternating line rhymes.
Anyway, good job. Keep up the good work. Best wishes, Cynaemon
Welcome to the writing.com community, and congratulations on being featured in the Newbie Newsletter.
I really enjoyed your little story with the reverse twist. It is fun to create such characters. My main character in my Secret Agent Elve Universe has a similar problem, and don't I wish I did. Great job with language, grammar, spelling, etc. You are well on your way. Keep up the good work. Best Wishes, Cynaemon
This is a very interesting and very short story. I hope you did well in the contest. You did a good job writing a story of only 100 words. I love to write these and the 55 word stories. This one has an obvious beginning, middle and surprise ending. Keep up the good work.
This is an excellent poem and tribute to your friend Mark. It is always hard and very sad to lose someone we love when we are young. I know. I lost my mother in a tragic car accident when I was ten. Somehow one never gets over those early loses.
You have done a great jobe with this free-form format, but there are a number of typos/grammatical errors which need to be corrected:
Are often one - should be a comma after this line.
We went by "shoe-line express" - should be a comma after this line.
Three of us, catching movies - think it would read better if you said "the three of us"
Afterwards(one time, at no expense....) - need a space after the word 'afterwards'
All of us drinking together - need a comma after this line
Wishing we had't. - should be hadn't
And thinking, - no comma needed here.
Also, you do not need to capitalize every line of a poem. I know, your word program does that automatically. Mine does too. Just go in and change the letters back to lower case.
You have made a great beginning. Keep up the good work. Best Wishes, Cynaemon
This is a very nice short story. I hope you did well in the contest. Just one little typos: should blades, should be 'shoulder'. Other than that I saw no spelling or grammatical errors. I know you will do well here. Do keep on writing. Best Wishes, Cynaemon
This is a nice attempt at writing a haiku, but I don't really think it is one. It is really just three phrases with the correct number of syllables per line. I think you need more practice in this genre. Having said that, I really do like the sentiment in what you wrote. You are definitely on the right track. Keep up the good work. Cynaemon
This is an excellent haiku. I hope you did well in the contest. You really have nailed this genre. I also loved the subject of your haiku. It has a beautiful, soft and quiet feel. I find myself waiting to hear the strains of music in the night. Keep up the good work. Best Wishes, Cynaemon
This is an interesting attempt at writing a haiku. Your second line actually has nine syllables, but I can see why you think of it as seven. That is probably okay. In writing Haikus in English you are given such leeway. The poem has a nice sentiment. Keep up the good work. Cynaemon
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