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You have given this reader a very good image of yourself. With your descriptive wording I was able to conjure an image in my mind of how you look. Good job! This was a nice write with no errors.
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You chose great characters to write about, however the writing in this piece needs some work. There wasn't much thought put into it. I think it could be greatly improved upon. I also noticed that you spelled 'up' incorrectly.
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You have a very good concept with this poem and I can see where you were heading with it. However, I do feel that the meter in this piece is way off. It is difficult to follow and as I read it, I was getting caught up in the longer lines. I think if you re-worked it and shortened some of the lines, this poem would flow much better.
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I am not sure if this poem was written about you but if it was your pain is very evident. This is well written, however I do feel that the flow is off. It's not so bad that it takes away from the piece, I just feel if you reworked it a bit, it whould shine. Good luck and keep up the good work.
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Good write mompaws24! I can feel the poison in your words although they are rather kind. You have expressed yourself well with this piece. Thank you for sharing it.
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Excellent story. This is the type of story that so many single parents can relate to. You did a marvelous job with the prompt. I found no spelling errors in this piece, the grammar was perfect and the flow was great. Thanks you for sharing this.
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I have to say that this is an excellent piece. You are so right about Charlie Brown and the cartoons today. My kids watched his christmas cartoon for the first time this year and they loved it! I think that the cartoons today, have far too much violence and most of it is for mature audiences. Thank you for sharing your views about good old Charlie. I agree with you 100%.
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I am impressed! This is an awesome story. Quite funny too when Spence is talking about Gert. You have a bit of everything in this story and I feel that's what makes it so appleaing. It is well written, evenly spaced, and the flow is wonderful. As for a title, I think I would need to read the rest of the story but I would be more than happy to help you out. Great job Trina!
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This is quite a deep and painfully emotional piece. Your free form style works very well in this poem and it reads well. The characters pain and anguish are very clear and after reading it I felt overwhelmed. You have done well. I found no spelling errors and your punctuation and capitalization were great. Nice job!
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I read this story with an open mind and I really enjoyed it. You have an awesome imagination. I know my kids would enjoy this. As with your other story I read, I do feel that this one needs to be broken down a bit into smaller paragraphs and the dialogue seperated. I would also suggest a quick run through Microsoft Word. I did notice quite a few spelling errors. Here are a few of them: felling-feeling
Her blood (became-started or began) to pump fiercely
bellow-below
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I read this poem more than once because you have some very important life questions in this piece. I think you should call it "If". It seems to fit. I think many of us run questions like this over in our minds quite often and some of never get the answer we are looking for. Good Write poet!
I did notice one spelling error, you have would you wrap me un in something warm. I think the "un" should be "up"
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I have to say I enjoy the concept behind this poem. Finding an old doll and cleaning her up, making her new again. I think this is the type of poem that small children would enjoy. It is written in simple english that they can understand. I do feel that your meter is off a bit, but that can be sorted out with a bit of editing. Write on!
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I admire your imagination. This is a very inventive and original story. I do think though that you need to break some of the longer paragraphs down. It is difficult to read when you have no breaks. The conversations that your characters have should also be on lines of their own. Having them stand out on their own, distinguishes them from the body of the story.
Overall this is good and with some editing it could be better.
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You have a very unique way of expressing yourself in this piece. There isn't alot of background as to what this poem is about, and I am not familiar with Fire in my fist. My guess is that it has something to do with parental discipline.
The form of the poem is quite good, the are no spelling errors and its flows well. Good Job!
Oh this is so touching! The way you have written this shows me that you are still so much in love with this man. It is the kind of poem that after reading it, you get the warm fuzzies. He is a very lucky man to have such a devoted and loving wife, and a talented writer. Great Job!
Damiama
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This is a very interesting and creative story. When I read the title I assume it would be fairytale like but to my surprise it was fantastic. You are quite talented for such a young writer. I can see why you enjoy it so much. This story had twists and turns I didn't see coming. Continue to read it and let you know what I think.
I did see one thing you may want to consider changing in this line: When my father came home with his new bride when I was eight, you have "when" after new bride. It doesn't need to be there.
Damiana
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My Thoughts
I found this piece quite amusing considering I also work at a call center. I can relate to everything you said. Unless you have experienced it you can never imagin what it's like. Thanks for sharing this.
Spelling & Grammar
I didn't find any errors.
Flow & Rhythm
Here I did see a problem. The meter in this poem is slightly off. I found as I read the poem I was getting caught up on little speed bumps. Each line rhymes perfectly but the syllable count is off.
Suggestions for Improvement
Check your syllable count and see if you can even things out.
Overall Impression
Great poem that shows the REAL world behind call centers.
My Thoughts
Your memory of this place must be very vivid as I found you told this story beautifully. I could envision the young children at peace walking through the sand.
Spelling & Grammar
There were no spelling errors but I did notice that this sentence Huge grey clouds smothered suburbia that day as I looked out my bedroom window, and hung close to the ground like clumps of dirty wet cotton wool. may need to be re-arranged as it reads as if you were the one who hung close to the ground.
Flow & Rhythm
The story was well paced and had good form.
Suggestions for Improvement
A revision of this sentence: The lead is slack, the dog lethargic, and he walks onwards. to distingush "he" as the man or dog. I assumed it was the man but I can forsee others questioning it. You might consider: they walk onwards.
Overall Impression
Good write and a warm and fuzzy memory.
Damiama
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