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Overall Impression
This is a beautiful poem. You have encompassed all of the emotions we feel when our hearts are broken.
Spelling, Grammar, Punctuation
I found no mistakes
Rhyme & Meter
I feel that there maybe a little work to be done here. The rhyming scheme you have works quite well, however the meter in this piece needs some attention. In your first stanza for instance you have a syllable count of: 9,10,10,10 the second one is 10,11,10,10. This pattern where they all don't match makes it difficult to read.
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Overall Impression
First off, I would like to thank you for bringing this piece here for us to comment on. I was motivated to write through anger. I used it as a vessel to start myself on a path of healing. From there, I wrote about my kids and anything else that popped into my head. I love it and our community here is very supportive. I think you have what it takes so I urge you to write yourself silly!
Spelling, Grammar, Punctuation
All fine
Rhyme & Meter
Good
Ideas, Suggestions
Break up your paragraph into smaller ones for ease in reading.
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Aewsome story Jeff! I have to say I really like Naug. I am partial to dragons. This was superbly written, no errors and well paced. I am off to the next section. I'll keep you posted!
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Thank you for sharing a look at Rhode Island form your viewpoint. This was a refreshing and very descriptive essay. I think it might have been a bit easier to read in a darker color and if the paragraphs were broken down in smaller ones. Other than that I found this very educational.
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Wow Trina, this is so good! You have given all of the characters such dimension. The story is fun, imaginative, and written to appeal to all ages. I plan on keeping up with the next installment, so please let me know when you add it. Write On!
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Thank you for sharing this very personal story. I to struggle with weight and redently found out I am diabetic. You are right though in saying: being overweight has the same effect on everyone. Every overweight person lacks confidence, feels inferior, feels ashamed and feels desperately unhappy in their skin. Oh how true that is. Thank you for sharing your story. It has ispired me to get moving.
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What a delightlfully funny little story. I am sure it is one many children will enjoy. I do have a question though. What is a LadyBird? I know LadyBugs are red with black spots, but I can't say I have ever heard of a LadyBird. Overall, I really enjoyed the story.
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What a fascinating story. It turned out to be much more than I expected. It was well paced, easy to read and full of suspense. You did a great job. Keep up the good work.
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I had to laugh at this one. It is pretty funny and very true for many of us. I thought for a second about how I promised to start my own exercise regime tomorrow. I hope I make it. Thanks for sharing this comedic poem with us.
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You have given this reader a very good image of yourself. With your descriptive wording I was able to conjure an image in my mind of how you look. Good job! This was a nice write with no errors.
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You chose great characters to write about, however the writing in this piece needs some work. There wasn't much thought put into it. I think it could be greatly improved upon. I also noticed that you spelled 'up' incorrectly.
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You have a very good concept with this poem and I can see where you were heading with it. However, I do feel that the meter in this piece is way off. It is difficult to follow and as I read it, I was getting caught up in the longer lines. I think if you re-worked it and shortened some of the lines, this poem would flow much better.
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I am not sure if this poem was written about you but if it was your pain is very evident. This is well written, however I do feel that the flow is off. It's not so bad that it takes away from the piece, I just feel if you reworked it a bit, it whould shine. Good luck and keep up the good work.
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Good write mompaws24! I can feel the poison in your words although they are rather kind. You have expressed yourself well with this piece. Thank you for sharing it.
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Excellent story. This is the type of story that so many single parents can relate to. You did a marvelous job with the prompt. I found no spelling errors in this piece, the grammar was perfect and the flow was great. Thanks you for sharing this.
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I have to say that this is an excellent piece. You are so right about Charlie Brown and the cartoons today. My kids watched his christmas cartoon for the first time this year and they loved it! I think that the cartoons today, have far too much violence and most of it is for mature audiences. Thank you for sharing your views about good old Charlie. I agree with you 100%.
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I am impressed! This is an awesome story. Quite funny too when Spence is talking about Gert. You have a bit of everything in this story and I feel that's what makes it so appleaing. It is well written, evenly spaced, and the flow is wonderful. As for a title, I think I would need to read the rest of the story but I would be more than happy to help you out. Great job Trina!
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This is quite a deep and painfully emotional piece. Your free form style works very well in this poem and it reads well. The characters pain and anguish are very clear and after reading it I felt overwhelmed. You have done well. I found no spelling errors and your punctuation and capitalization were great. Nice job!
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I read this story with an open mind and I really enjoyed it. You have an awesome imagination. I know my kids would enjoy this. As with your other story I read, I do feel that this one needs to be broken down a bit into smaller paragraphs and the dialogue seperated. I would also suggest a quick run through Microsoft Word. I did notice quite a few spelling errors. Here are a few of them: felling-feeling
Her blood (became-started or began) to pump fiercely
bellow-below
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I read this poem more than once because you have some very important life questions in this piece. I think you should call it "If". It seems to fit. I think many of us run questions like this over in our minds quite often and some of never get the answer we are looking for. Good Write poet!
I did notice one spelling error, you have would you wrap me un in something warm. I think the "un" should be "up"
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I have to say I enjoy the concept behind this poem. Finding an old doll and cleaning her up, making her new again. I think this is the type of poem that small children would enjoy. It is written in simple english that they can understand. I do feel that your meter is off a bit, but that can be sorted out with a bit of editing. Write on!
Damiana
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Overall Impression
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