The rating is for the poem itself. The words came together to create such a picture of pain and love and despair and hope that my mind reels. I'm glad that you do have contact again.
I know how hard going back over work with such heart-rendering pain can be. However, if you can, you can strengthen this by using more punctuation in the poem itself.
*bulltet* The narration has a few grammatical problems. If you would like help editing, let me know.
This long, story-poem reminds me of the epics of yore. The amazingly rhymic piece has mostly excellent rhyme and kept my interest throughout, a remarkable tale in verse.
The punctuation needs work in places to avoid sentence fragments.
The rhyme is off in places such as miles and while. A bit of rewording could make "mile" possible, for example "many a mile." Some of the other plurals, which cause the rhyme to not be true, could also be tweeked in the same way.
If you revise, please let me know because I'd like to review this again.
This poem fills the senses. The imagery created is tight and vivid. Your use of words does what poetry is supposed to do, make concise images in the mind of the reader.
Outstanding imagery with a strong underlying message, this poem definitely did turn into something a bit different. Stong use of poetic language and devices.
What a delightfully realistic story with such a wonderfully funny ending! I enjoyed the build up to the climax. In most parts the language is sharp and clear, with a good vocabulary creating powerful characters and an experience that makes the reader feel a part of the story.
This writing would have been much stronger and tighter without the occasional "potty" word.
If you decide to revise, please let me know so that I can revise again.
As usual, Harry, your poem does tell an "exquisite" story. You manage to pack so much in so few words.
Having two quotes side by side, as you do in the bottom of the first stanza, still bugs me, but one error, not counting that, is in the last line: I"ll should be I'll.
To be grammatically correct, with a participle, the possessive form of a pronoun or noun should be used before the participle: "his sitting with back against..."
Again, a wonderful story in verse, which I enjoyed very much.
Very good writing, I enjoyed the account, not the aggravation you encountered.
If you are really considering sending this to anyone, the lenghth would be a problem. The editor of your newspaper might be willing to edit it for lenghth, but any government official wouldn't bother to read it, I'm afraid.
You might first call your local newspaper and speak to them. The paper might be helpful.
A really funny, enjoyable story. Children would love hearing it or reading it, but there seem to be some 'adult' undertones.
The only problems I found were with punctuation and spelling.
We’ve been ‘ere for over two
‘undred years a comma is needed after years and Kris has yet to let us have time off to take a trip home to
The word "oh" should always be set off by commas.
A few places, a comma was used after 'someone said' when a period was needed. The quotation then began with a word beginning with a lowercase letter, which should be capitalized.
Your means belonging to you; you're means you are.
An exciting start to a fantasy. I'm looking forward to the rest of the book.
I did find a few problems. If unsure about some of the ways to correct or what my remarks mean, you might check "Expert Writing Tips" .
"At one time it was a rare sight to see one in the valley" You can avoid a vague "it" by revising the sentence. An example: "At one time, seeing one in the valley was a rare sight." To avoid both the vague "it" and a state-of-being verb, "At one time, a person rarely saw a goblin in the valley."
"The Kingdom of Blackwood was surrounded by mountains on three sides and by the Salmon River on the fourth."
You have been writing in past tense before this next part. "Only a crater marks where the capital city once stood," which is in present tense. Please keep your verb tenses consistent.
"Ignoring the falling rocks, he swung the halberd at its legs, catching it above the knee." Unclear pronoun reference.
What an entertaining and enjoyable piece. I'm a "I need light, light, light" person myself, while my husband is a "turn off those lights" person. You have so creatively described our situation in reverse.
Your descriptions are sharp and clear. In my mind's eye, I can see the scenes you create with words.
Except for a few problem, this is perfect. In fact if you revise, please let me know so that I can rate and review again.
To me, light is like a spider: stay outside and we’ll get along just fine. Inside, we are enemies. "...stay outside" needs a comma after outside so that you don't have a run-on.
But hey: at least I don’t run away screaming This needs some re-punctuating. "But, hey, at least I don't run..."
Another suggestion, try to void starting a sentence with a coorindating conjunction (and, or, but, etc.).
This way the room has a definite evening feel but I can still make out my goldfish crackers and glass of coke This sentence is a run-on. A comma is needed after "feel."
Another good moral and tale, Harry. You pack a lot of whallop into a few words.
The first line seems a bit awkward, though. Could you possibly change it to something like "A man and a boy head toward..." or "A man and a boy start to enter a..."?
Interestingly funny and human, since many of us have been in a similar situation.
This piece does contain some grammar/punctuation problems.
Please keep your verb tenses consistant. You're writing in past tense, then change to present with "Big Boss is involved..."
Be careful of punctuation. "Even Marie in Marketing; her nose has been in more..." A comma after Marketing is needed rather than a semi-colon. A comma is needed before "too" in "The little bugger knows it, too."
and after "Well," in the next sentence.
Watch sentence structure You have a few run-on sentences. When two or more dependant clauses (can be sentences all by themselves) are joined with just a conjunction (need a comma or semi-colon before conjunction), a run-on occurs.
Do let me know if and when you make revisions so that I can re-review and rate.
Very graphic word usage. I usually do not care for just short-lined poetry except occastionally for emphasis, but emphasis is needed through out this piece. The imagery is bold and powerful, leaving not just a picture in my mind, but an engraving.
A few suggestions that would help strengthen this: 1. Please use some needed punctuation such as after dawn, and nine in the first stanza and after items that make up a list. Readers are going to pause, and if you use some punctuation, the pauses will be where needed for the meaning you want. 2. Please do capitalize I in the last line.
What power you evoke with your words. The portrait you paint with words leaves a lasting impression. The purpose of poetry is to be precise, concise, and create a mental image. You managed all three.
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The punctuation needs work in places. If you want some editing, let me know.
