You have written a suspense-filled story that kept my attention and interest throughout. Your writing continues to improve and amaze me.
Now, let's take it one step farther.
Try to use fewer state-of-being verys and more action verbs. Doing so will strengthen your writing greatly.
For example: The voice was coming from the bottom of the hole could be "From the bottom of the hole, the voice continued to cry (or call or echo)."
The voice was coming from the depths of the cave. Closer now, but still a
way off. The previous needs to be one sentence so that you don't have a fragment. "The voice was coming from the depths of the cave, closer now, but still a way off."
The following is a run-on sentence, and a comma is needed after ceiling: His head
was already scraping the ceiling and the walls were close enough to touch with either hand.
This poem is indeed a slice of life. The saddest thing remains the truth revealed about not only the beggar but also the other two men.
I'm surprised at the problems I found, not like your usual writings.
Periods and commas always go inside the end quotation marks, whether singular or double.
My friend snapped, "Save it!". The period isn't needed.
"Here comes a beggar to bother us, wouldn't you just know." This is a run-on sentence. Either a semi-colon is needed after "us," or a period with "wouldn't" capitalized.
You are indeed a poet. The language, the imagery, the power of this piece is the best I've read of yours. What beautiful use of words, what wordcraft. I'm impressed.
I can't believe this poem was your first attempt at an A-Z. It's very good. I enjoyed the flow of images, all which tie together beautifully.
The only problem I had was with the ellipses, which are usually used to show something missing from quoted material or an emotional break in dialogue. Wouldn't commas be better in those places?
The story told in this letter is interesting and thought-provoking. I enjoyed it very much. A few changes would make it much better.
I realize the language difference causes some problems; therefore, I will send a thorough edit in an email message. I can remember when I had to write a research paper in French for one of my French classes. Whew! I nearly went crazy doing that, and I had many misused French words and phrases.
One problem I found numerous times is the use of run-on sentences. A comma before the subordinate conjunction will fix those. Two weeks ago, Colonel Macmillan came to him and they had dinner together. A comma is needed after "him." Macmillan had been in Asia for a military venture and now he is working in the allied forces. A comma is needed after "venture." His name was Chughtai and he ruled a small kingdom near the river Oxus. A comma is needed after "Chughtai." Your Highness, you’ve reduced your weight and now there is no need of hide and seek.” A comma is needed after "weight."
There are more run-on sentences, but I'll cover them in my thorough editing.
A few places are confusing. One thing that isn't clear: Did Napolean start his games of hide and seek before he heard the story, or did he intensify the games after the story?
Another tale encroached in emotion and vivid poetic language, this poem has an underlying message of deep love lasting through the years. You once again take a small thought or item and develop it into a whole story. Good job Harry.
The one jarring thought is the use of second person in the second stanza.
This piece pictures the beginning of spring vividly, as the cat encounters bits and pieces of hinting spring.
Be sure all punctuation is correct.
1) In the fourth stanza, a comma rather than a semi-colon is needed since the following is not an independent clause.
2) In the last stanza, a comma is needed after buzz.
It takes a special talent to weave a story from a person's experience eating candy, well, a narrative. The words reveal the person you want us to see. I feel as if I'm watching the scenes unfold through this interesting character sketch.
Please don't use ellipses when a comma is needed. The over-use or incorrect use of ellipses take away from the piece. They should be used for emotional breaks in dialogue, mainly.
Commas and periods always go inside the end quotation marks.
Be sure your sentences are correct. Avoid run-on sentences.
The people who didn't live during the years of women "staying in their places" don't understand how free we are now. I'm glad, though, that you were able to find your place. Your story is well written, organized well, and has support with your ideas, experiences, and comparison of life then and now.
Isn't there an a missing before teacher in "...I had some kind and encouraging words from teacher..." ?
If you could avoid the vague it, your writing would be tighter and more concise. An example of a possible revision of "I wondered why it couldn’t be that the position of youth director could be one’s actual career goal..." might be "I wondered why the position of youth director couldn't be one's actual career goal..."
Check for run-on sentences. By adding a comma before the conjunction, the problem can be repaired.
If you revise and would like me to review again, please let me know.
This poem holds some excellent imagery. It portrays dying as a blackness that engulfs the person, very strong painting with words. I especially liked "And my body craves gravity."
I would suggest some correcting of punctuation. In line three, a comma is needed after breath (which should be breathe). A comma is needed at the end of five rather than a period. The same for the end of line seven.
Lines nine and ten seem very long. You might consider dividing them into shorter lines.
Lines two through seven seem choppy. One suggestion would be to join some of the ideas into the same sentences. An example of what I mean is shown for lines four and five:
I must be dying I think to myself,
As I fall into the black nothing.
An amazing word portrait of pain and agony that most of us can only think of understanding. My heart aches for what a victim of such horror must relive over and over. The wording is dark and deep with emotion. The message yells from the lines of poetry. You manage to portray an outrage with great clarity.
A few places, the punctuation needs revising. If you need someone to edit for you, let me know.
The pronoun it is over used, and too close together.
If you revise this poem, please let me know so that I can review it and adjust the rate.
The control of the words in this poem influences the reader, creating a vivid portrait of, yes, of insanity. The visual impact of the pictures formed through written "Charades" doesn't leave even after I finished reading the poetry. It doesn't matter whether I agree or disagree with the message sent; I received it.
The minor problem I found was in the line in the next to last stanza being "slice through..." I believe a comma is needed after "world" and after "small." Also, maybe dividing the line into two would help the appearance.
I should never have read this immediately after reading "Call Of The Returning Geese" . This poem is fun and humorous, which is one of your talents, Harry, but it doesn't have the raw power of the first one I reviewed this early, early morning. I guess the rating is a result of the comparison more than any definite flaw in this poem.
An overwhelming portrait of hope, this poem holds imagery that speaks to the reader with force and power. Every sense is teased except taste. Ah, Harry, I think this is one of your best. I hope many readers visit this piece and allows it to settle in their minds for a long stay.
Just a taste to whet the appetite:
As I look skyward, a flock of geese,
V-ing northward, are silhouetted
against the full moon –
amazingly picturesque!
Amazingly picturesque describes this verse. Bravo, Harry.
Amazingly powerful verse brings forth great emotion. I had to read this several times, not to understand but to absorb all it offered.
The only change I might suggest is the form the lines in parenthesis takes. I think that a comma is needed at the end of the lines before those in parenthesis.
You are a great writer with a talent for creating imagery.
The rating is for the poem itself. The words came together to create such a picture of pain and love and despair and hope that my mind reels. I'm glad that you do have contact again.
I know how hard going back over work with such heart-rendering pain can be. However, if you can, you can strengthen this by using more punctuation in the poem itself.
*bulltet* The narration has a few grammatical problems. If you would like help editing, let me know.
This long, story-poem reminds me of the epics of yore. The amazingly rhymic piece has mostly excellent rhyme and kept my interest throughout, a remarkable tale in verse.
The punctuation needs work in places to avoid sentence fragments.
The rhyme is off in places such as miles and while. A bit of rewording could make "mile" possible, for example "many a mile." Some of the other plurals, which cause the rhyme to not be true, could also be tweeked in the same way.
If you revise, please let me know because I'd like to review this again.
This poem fills the senses. The imagery created is tight and vivid. Your use of words does what poetry is supposed to do, make concise images in the mind of the reader.
Magnificent!
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Try to use fewer state-of-being verys and more action verbs. Doing so will strengthen your writing greatly.
Periods and commas always go inside the end quotation marks, whether singular or double.
