This story has a definitely twisted ending. You did a very good job of foreshadowing the ending, though. You have a very creative imagination which shows in your stories.
Police department doesn't need to be capitalized unless it's the name of a particular police department, like Boston Police Department.
Be careful of run-on sentences.
Can you rewrite so that you use more action verbs and fewer state-of-being verbs? If so, your stories will be stronger and more powerful.
I think the following needs a question mark rather than an exclamation point: Uh, yeah, sure, who hasn’t!
A rather different type of writing from you, but interesting. I like the way you inserted three lines of verse between the paragraphs. An unusual type of tribute to a child.
Ah, Harry, the stories you pack into each of your storoems. This tale of bravery yet hope is one of your best. The poetic language aids in bringing the story to life.
This story was so real. I could see the two boys, and hear them. I could feel the sting of the cold. I could sense the fear and the relief. You have a wonderful grasp of story telling, uh, writing.
I did find some grammar/punctuation problems. If you want a complete edit, let me know.
As usual, W.D., you have written an excellent story. You seem a born storyteller: You know just when to include what, when, and where. This tale is so embarrassingly funny, as well as being overall well written.
Your writting would be even stronger if you would avoid the vague 'it.' It all began the day I realized... would be improved if you could change the wording to something like "The day I realized I couldn't stop looking at girls began the change in my life." It's funnny how I never seemed to notice them before could be "The fact that I never seemed to notice them before is funny..."
Shouldn't "Mr. Scotts'" be Mr. Scott's?
Be careful of using ellipses. They should be used to show emotional type pauses, where a sentence or thought can't be finished smoothly. Most of the places where you have ellipses, periods or commas would be more appropriate.
I will give more editing points on the SSW site.
Good final paper. I give you an A for following the instructions of the assignment, an A for content, and a B for grammar usage.
Your reasons and purpose for your awardicons are wonderful. Each one you have granted are to worthy people with worthy goals and purposes of their own. I'm impressed with your 'Human Angel Awardicon.'
The only suggestion I have is that someone help you edit the explanation, to help you make it sound more 'professional.' I would be glad to do that for you, if you wish.
If you revise, please let me know because I would like to review this again.
What a terribly, wonderful story! I did enjoy the glimpses of humor, but the graphic details were almost delightfully gruesome.
The sun was expanding; going nova, pulsar, quasar, blackhole, dwarf star, it didn’t matter. I think you need a colon after 'expanding' and a semicolon after 'star.'
Words like 'well,' 'yes,' 'no,' are always set off by comma, on both sides of the word.
The emotion, the tragedy in this piece is overwhelming. I feel drawn into the imagery, the brutality, the pain. You have a knack of using words powerfully.
You have some grammar and spelling problems, maybe as a result of using a language you aren't as familiar with as another.
If you don't have anyone who will edit this for you to help with problems, please let me know, and I'll be glad to do so if you wish.
This story brings horror to a new level. It builds will slight hints of what's waiting, but the ending still fits the rest of the story. You manage to keep my interest from beginning to end.
You still have the first paragraph in present tense and the rest of the story in past. I'm sorry my mind took a break when I typed the first version of this The story would be stronger if you kept your verb tenses consistent.
Some run-on sentences lurk in this story. They need to be put out of their misery.
I'll post some comments about the story and the assignment on "Invalid Item" .
This story brings horror to a new level. It builds will slight hints of what's waiting, but the ending still fits the rest of the story. You manage to keep my interest from beginning to end.
You still have the first paragraph in first person and the rest of the story in third. The story would be stronger if you kept your verb tenses consistent.
Some run-on sentences lurk in this story. They need to be put out of their misery.
I'll post some comments about the story and the assignment on "Invalid Item" .
What a tribute to Tiger you've written. As usual, Harry, your poetry does tell its story with flair and poetic language.
Your rhyme scheme worked well and smoothly until the sixth stanza. Him and him isn't really a rhyme. Then the pattern of the last stanza doesn't match any of the patterns of any other stanza, which rather jolted me. The flow wasn't as smooth as a result of these last stanzas.
You have managed to write a creative and exciting story, using words of just one syllable. Quite an undertaking and accomplishment. Congratulations. Although, this has some minor punctuation type problems, the content is remarkable enough to overcome the small deficiences. Good job!
Wow! Never mind the minor problems with commas where not needed, this poem blows my mind. Wonderful wordcraft, great use of poetic language and devices, beautiful flow of imagery. Ah, yes, I will be well.
I find this poem lovely and appealing. The word-painted scene finds a resounding chord in my mind. Your use of alliteration and metaphor bring out the poetic beauty.
The only possible problem I find is the odd useage of semicolons.
This story contains humor and adventure combined into an enjoyable writing. The plot is straight forward, but it is missing a forum. I did like how the man could laugh at his own foibles. Descriptions are well done.
You have some run-on sentences. I'll give a more detailed edit on Writer's Workshop.
A few places seem awkwardly worded. For example, Her dagger point pricks the tender under-throat, (a comma is needed to correct the run-on sentence) and I don't breathe. Wouldn't using 'my tender under-throat' be a better way to word that?
Also, you write I cup my hand into the miniature fall and take a drink of the icy wetness on its way to a far away sea as I sneak a side look at her. In that long complicated sentence, the reader is led to believe the drink he takes is on its way to the sea rather than down his throat. Maybe break this down into two sentences: "I cup my hand into the minature fall, the water on its way to a far away sea. I take a drink of the icy wetness as I sneak a side-look at her." That's just one suggestion.
You use the vague it. Unless the word 'it' has a definite singular anacendent coming immediately or closely before it, the word is vague. It is the faint rustle of the bush to my left when I realize she has managed to swiftly disappear. What is it? In fact this sentence is confusing.
You are a talented writer. I would like to review this again after you've revise.
This essay shows that you've given much thought and research before writing. Giving your opinion when backed by information to support your stance is the only way credibly to present it. You do a good job of that. Whether I agree with you or not doesn't matter, you have met the burden of writing an essay.
I'll send a complete edit to you privately.
Avoiding second person (you, your, etc.) would strengthen your essay.
Since you are the writer of this essay, the reader will believe that it is your opinion and belief; therefore, you don't need to write phrases such as "I believe" or "in my opinion."
Please let me know once you've revised so that I can review again.
You have some very good descriptions. In places you paint a clear picture with your words. I feel as if I am present.
In some places, the wording is awkward and confusing.
Janet faced one side of the closed doors to the sanctuary, but could see all of their guests on the other side, through the small, rectangle windows. This is one of the sentences that needs work. Perhaps, rewrite it something like "Janet, on one side of the closed doors to the sanctuary, could see all the guests on the other side through the small, rectangular windows."
You comment twice about the end of her first journey. I don't think you need both.
More editing information will be given on the SSW Assignments and Reviews forum.
You have improved so very much in your writing. Good job.
This poem is well-written, as yours generally are, and it's definitely thought provoking. You paint a too realistic picture. Yes, war is always horrible and devastating, and mothers and babies die just because. My heart goes out to them wherever they are or were, including in the Twin Towers or the Oklahoma City Federal Building.
I like that different quotes aren't in the same line. Yea!
Hmmm, I wonder when someone will write about the oppressed civilians waiting for arrest and torture? "Don't worry, baby, Momma might come back some day"?
Viv
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Police department doesn't need to be capitalized unless it's the name of a particular police department, like Boston Police Department.
You have some grammar and spelling problems, maybe as a result of using a language you aren't as familiar with as another.