This piece brings a picture to my mind, a picture created by your effective word useage.
If you are writing a poem, I would suggest that you write the lines so that it looks like a poem.
I believe you mean "I lay there staring at..."
I didn't quite understand the idea "your pillow your head had never touched and the blankets that had never been wrapped around you..." How could it be 'your' pillow if 'you' had never touched it?
Thank you for sharing this piece with us. You use words very well, creating unique imagery.
Blue Thunder, you provide the reader with much to consider. As you move back and forth between two cultures (as you've said), you bring much to us in understanding of the 'white' culture and the Native American. I thoroughly enjoy your stories, even if the English teacher in me cringes a bit.
Yes, your grammar has problems, as you know only too well, but if one can look beyond the errors to the message she can see a wonderful story and truth.
You are such a crafts' person with words. You create dreams, imagages, and pictures in the minds of readers. If I were the SM and SMs, I would want a copy of this famed and placed where I could read it often, to remind me of why I worked so hard to develop and keep this site.
I love this poem. You capture the holes we find in our lives as we grow older. You also give excellent ways to fill those holes.
I have a couple of suggestions for the following, *red*We must Fill those holes
with things of value. First, I believe you need a colon after 'value' rather than a period. Also, why did you capitalize 'Fill'?
Those two possible problem areas cannot deduct from the wonderful poem you wrote.
Hello, welcome to a home for the bruised and wounded. We can understand suffering and the words which try to express the pain.
You say so much with your poetry, my heart is overwhelmed with the images. You have the thoughts to grab and hold your readers.
I would suggest that you write out the word 'and' rather than using &.
Also, your poem would 'look' better if you made the extra long lines at least two lines.
Some of your commas divide some components that shouldn't be separated. For example,
So I grew up not knowing,
if he loved me so.
A comma isn't needed after 'knowing.'
You almost make me feel as if I were there, but then you have a true gift of words that so many wish they had. I'm so glad you were able to go, and I wish I had, too. At least you have given me a glimpse of what was truly a remarkable event. Thank you for sharing with us who weren't there.
I'm so glad you found Writing.Com, and that you share with us rather than turning your back on life.
Hi, I'm glad to see you on Writing.Com. I hope you have been welcomed warmly.
You put much meaning into a few words. Your simile is full of imagery and truth.
I believe the correct spelling is fragile.
Your form might be better if you put phrases together rather than mixed in with other thoughts. If you were using a special shape, it might be different.
Your poem uses allusion to effectively present your message, that goes much deeper than the surface of the words.
The only thing I would suggest to help the reader better understand what you're saying is for you to use needed punctuation. The use of punctuation helps readers know when one thought or idea stops and another begins.
Your bio isn't created for your portfolio, so I have no idea of your age, but you write as if rather young. I know that people of any age can and do 'fall in love,' but sometimes the young simplify the emotion, which may be good.
You might read this aloud or have someone read it to you. If you hear it, you may find some of the problems with the wording. One example, I'm not sure what you mixed up. I think I can figure it out, but I shouldn't have to do so.
Please write formally, not in Internet short hand. Use 'you' not 'u,' for example.
Welcome to Writing.Com. I'm sure I'll see much of your work in the weeks to come.
You have a good grasp of description. You appeal to the readers' senses, as a good writer should.
One suggestion to help strengthen your writing: Don't use second person (you, your, etc.). Since 'you,' the reader, isn't there, you shouldn't include him/her in your description.
Be careful of run-on sentences. For example, The chalk should be gone, the pukeish yellow color of it clashes with the dark jungle green of the chalkboard, could be corrected by using a semicolon after 'gone.'
Introductory adverb clauses should be followed by a comma. One example is the second sentence, which needs a comma after 'off.'
Again, you use the senses well to create your description.
This essay/article contains much information that should be helpful to anyone who reads it. Despression is one of the leading mental problems in our world, and you give the reader a good background for understanding the disease and for help.
Avoiding the use of second person (you, your, etc.) would help make your essay stronger and more polished.
Your sentence structure needs work in places. Also some sentences are ackwardly worded.
Do you have anyone who would give your piece a thorough editing? If so, please have it edited and then revise it. This could be an excellent article.
If you have this edited and revise it, please let me know so that I can adjust my rating if needed.
I'm giving a higher rate than I would for a shorter item with a couple of questionable areas. The over all chapter is extremely well written. You've managed to capture my attention by setting the scene and the hook.
A suggestion, you might want to put thoughts in italics, for example, Barring any unforeseen delays, I’ll be done by two o’clock,
To help make your writing stronger, you might avoid using second person (you, your, etc) except in dialogue.
Another suggestion, you might want to avoid that vague 'it' as much as possible. It was a beautiful day can become "The day was beautiful," and 'it' is avoided.
Okay, the following isn't believable: don’t know what’s happening; a cop drove down the street while ago, telling everyone to stay inside with the doors and windows closed over his P.A. system. Shouldn't it be, "A cop drove down the street while ago, telling everyone over his P.A. system to stay inside with the doors and windows closed"?
How did the policeman know that Dusty lived there? He told Dusty to go straight home, etc. Shouldn't you have something said about Dusty living there?
You have the beginning of a good story, and your descriptions are often well crafted.
Please divide this into paragraphs. Each time someone speaks should be a different one, as should every time the idea changes.
I would like to see you lenghten this and 'flesh' it out into more of a story rather than a brief narrative. You would then have a powerful work.
If you could avoid cliches or slang terms, such as "he was going to go down," your story would be smoother. "Go down" is a slang term because you don't really mean that he literally is going down.
I hope you continue to write and to develop your talent.
I'm glad to see you posting your work on Writing.Com.
I really like the imagery in this poem. You use words creatively and precisely (except for one portion).
You use the words the road that has seen its years twice. I don't know why that phrase seems awkward or out of place to me, but it does. I'm not quite sure what you mean.
You have a unique talent that I'm going to enjoy watching develop.
Your daughters are so fortunate to have you tell them bedtime stories every night. From now on, when I read one of your delightful tales, I will pretend I'm listening to you tell those four girls the one I'm reading.
I'm glad to have been given the talent and the desire to share your vivid imagination with the world. Thank you for allowing me to share.
I'm never quite sure how to review and rate contests, forums, etc., but this one helps so many, is for such a worthy cause, that I had to post a review to help publicize it.
Your poem has much meaning in the lines you've written. I had to read it several times to really understand it, though, because the lack of some needed punctuation helped hide what you were saying.
I liked the stark reality that you present not only in words but in the short, choppy lines.
You kept me interested from the first words to the last. You do have a way of using words as tools to entrap readers. I bet you do the same with spoken words when you tell your four girls stories.
Just a suggestion that would help your writing be stronger, don't use second person in this article. For example the following could be stronger if you used we rather than you, our rather than your, etc. One of the most exciting things you get to do as a grownup though is getting married and raising a bunch of kids of your own. As a parent, I’ve found, you never want your children to grow up. It would be so wonderful if they could just stay little forever, like in “Neverland”, but that doesn’t happen. They get big too, just like you did; they buy a car so they can go to their job to pay the bills and end up eventually getting married and having children of their own.
You have fewer run-on sentences, but a few still crept in.
Tears form, and a lump chokes my throat. Despite some grammatical problems, you have written this story so well that the reader becomes involved and 'sees' what's happening. Your words leave a huge impact.
I see several run on sentences. One example and a way to repair it is as follows: Outside the little house on Sterrat Street, the birds sang happily and the squirrels chattered at one another as they scurried from tree to tree. A comma is needed after 'happily.'
"Dad was leaving?", he wondered, "Where was mom?" should be "Dad is leaving?" he wondered. "Where is Mom?"
You have a gift of using words effectively.
Viv
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If you are writing a poem, I would suggest that you write the lines so that it looks like a poem.
Thanks for wording so well what I, too, feel.
I have a couple of suggestions for the following, *red*We must Fill those holes 
Those two possible problem areas cannot deduct from the wonderful poem you wrote.
As well as I can tell, since you use no punctuation to tell me otherwise, you have no complete sentence or sentences, just one long run-on fragment.
Did you mean 'would you rush' in the following?