A gripping story of a love affair. Good use of flowers to tell us the tale.
WHAT I LIKED
The opening was very sensual. Again, good use of flowers to evoke romance. I liked the "storybook" feel of the poem.
FORM
This is a free form poem.
RHYME SCHEME
There is no rythme scheme.
DESCRIPTIONS
Fantastic. Not overpowering.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I have no suggestions for improvement. After reading this poem I felt like I had an insider's peek into the highs and lows an affair can bring. I ran a gambit of emotion between passionate love and heartbreaking loss.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
A prince is reluctant to find a bride - then he sees Cinderella.
WHAT I LIKED
Great character voice!
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by the prince. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's no dialogue. Dialogue helps to shows scenes, and in that regard I think you could expand on this. Show us the scene where the Prince and Cinderella are talking during/after the dance. Show us her panic - and his - as she runs away. You could have fun with this.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes. I think you found a good balance with your descriptions. I could picture the scenes, but I wasn't overwhelmed.
SETTING
TIME: long ago
PLACE: a castle
This is something that that is not defined but could be clarified for the reader. It's not a sticky point though, as we're all familiar with the story of Cinderalla.
CHARACTERS
Prince
There's enough here to understand his motivations.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes. There were no uneven or choppy sentences.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestion as mentioned above. The opening caught my attention. I liked how you used a twist on the Cinderalla story and told it from the perspective of the prince.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Lizzie isn't looking for Mr. Right like her mother wants her to, but she finds him despite herself.
WHAT I LIKED
I thought the story did a great job creating subtle romantic undertones.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited in Lizzie's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. If anything, watch your dialogue tags. Put any action in a seperate sentence. For example.
He pointed. "Hey, look!"
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on.
SETTING
TIME: old west
PLACE: small town
This is something that that could be clarified for the reader. A little more here would augment the romantic undertones. Set the scene and romance follows a little easier.
CHARACTERS
Lizzie
There's enough here to understand her motivations. I like her spunk.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation. You use exclaimation points a lot which makes the story feel a little melodramaic.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening is engaging. There's a good character voice to the story.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
A vampire in Japan survives a nuclear attack during World War II.
WHAT I LIKED
I loved the originality of the story.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited from Mari's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. Good job on the dialogue tags.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes. I especially liked: "They were like a needle stuck on a gash of a record playing the same notes over and over..."
SETTING
TIME: World War II
PLACE: Japan
Good job with establishing the setting.
CHARACTERS
Mari
There's enough here to understand her motivations.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling /punctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I have no suggestions for improvement. The opening starts off with Mari clicking her wooden clogs, and left me wondering what she was up to. I liked the style this was written in. It captured the essence of a Japanese "fable-like" story well.
This is a lyrical poem styled after the song "Layla" by Eric Clapton.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. If anything, I might suggest using punctutation.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestion as mentioned above. The opening asked a question that was looking for an answer. The rest of the poem responded. After I read this poem I felt like I had read a modern day psalm.
A prose about how Jesus has touched the author's life.
WHAT I LIKED
Nice analogies are used throughout that will help the reader understand the influence of the Lord in the author's life.
RYTHME SCHEME
There is no rythme scheme.
FORM
This is a free form poem.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I have no suggestion for improvement. The opening was intriguing to me. After I read this poem I felt nice. This was a nice testiment to the power and healing of the Lord.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Mick and Sonia try to "kick" their bad habit, but when tempted, find it too hard to resist.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the beginning. Good action. It engaged the reader.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person omniscient. POV switches between Mick and Sonia without line breaks. This is known as "head hopping" or a "Lonesome Dove" perspective which professional editors discourage because it can be disconcerting to the reader. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
The dialogue accents the narration. Dialogue tags are appropriate.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on.
SETTING
TIME: modern day?
PLACE: diner
The time is something that that is not defined but could be clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Mick and Sonia
There's enough here to understand their motivations. The characterization is good.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. Plot/pacing made the story flow well. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Jude and Garrett almost loose a chance to be together.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the originality behind the story. I liked the fact there was no criminal tie-in and this was a good, character driven vignette.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited. POV switches appropriately with line breaks between Jude and Garrett. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.
FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "Not more than once," Garrett answered, jabbing him hard in the shoulder.
MY SUGGESTION: Garrett playfully jabbed Rune in the shoulder. "Not more than once."
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on.
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: Town of Trinity.
Good job setting the time and place
CHARACTERS
Jude, Garrett
There's enough here to understand their motivations. Garrett loves Jude, Jude sees she needs Garrett.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling /punctuation mistakes. TIP: spell out "Okay" in manuscript writing.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestion as mentioned above. The opening is a little slow since it gives background info on Jude. I might suggest starting with the action of the fire. Jude can watch the flames take on a life of their own as she evaluates her life and that will allow you to bring in some background info without slowing the story down. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Betty Jean has a dream with an eerie sense of deja vu. Then she goes out for a ride to a quarry lake with Billy.
WHAT I LIKED
The sense of deja vu came full circle by the end of the story. Good job.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person mainly from Betty Jean's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.
FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "I'm up," she yelled, rolling out of bed and heading to the shower.
MY SUGGESTION: Betty Jean rolled out of bed and headed toward the shower. "I'm up!"
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. Since the car is a 46 Hudson, I might suggest spending a sentence or two on it's description.
SETTING
TIME: modern day? I'm unsure
PLACE: near a quarry?
This is something that that is not defined but could be clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Betty Jean
There's enough here to understand her motivations. (She's Billy's girlfriend, so of course she's going to get in the car with him, despite her deja vu dream.)
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestion as mentioned above. It's never easy starting a story with a dream. I might suggest starting with the action of the dream to help the reader see the sense of fear Betty Jean has from the deja vu she experiences. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
A woman who was in an accident has a memory of being in a car with her boyfriend.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the ending. It gave the story perspective.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by a woman narrator. Narration was consistant with the first person. Watch your tenses. There were times it switched to present. Professional editors encourage past tense for manuscript writing.
DIALOGUE
There was no dialogue.
DESCRIPTIONS
This is something that could be expanded on.
SETTING
TIME: modern day?
PLACE: urban setting? the road?
This is something that that is not defined but could be clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
female narrator
There's enough to understand why the narrator got in the car with the man, so I could understand her motivations, but this is something you could have expanded.
MECHANICS
I did spotted one spelling mistakes - realise (realize). I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The story is basically told by the narrator, there's no "showing." I would suggest starting with the action of the accident. This would make a good dramatic first person account if shown. Incorporate dialogue and description into the story to make it resonate more. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Tim and Tracey discuss how they can get by when he goes back to Iraq. (Tim is a solider.)
WHAT I LIKED
I thought this was a good character driven vignette. I liked that it tackled a modern day, a deployment to Iraq which can jar a family.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person mainly from Tim's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes. If anything, you could expand on this.
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: Las Vegas
Good job defining the time and place for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Tim, main, Tracey
There's enough here to understand his motivations. I really enjoyed his concern for his family, Tracey.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation. TIP: Spell out the work okay in manuscript writing. OK is okay for journalistic writing, but discouraged in manuscript writing.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestion as mentioned above. I liked the beginning. The action engages the reader. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Van and Liza have "stopgaps" for every situtation.
WHAT I LIKED
I had reviewed this earlier and I see you've done an edit. Good job. I especially liked the new ending. It really worked for me.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person by Van. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.
FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "Nothing," he grumbled as the filling station disappeared from sight in his side view mirror. "How about some music?"
MY SUGGESTION: The filling station disappeared from his his side view mirror. He tried to shrug the dissatisfication he felt away by shrugging his shoulders. "Nothing's the matter with me. How about some music?"
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on.
SETTING
TIME: modern day?
PLACE: rural setting?
This is something that that is not defined but could be clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Van
There's enough here to understand his motivations.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes. TIP: Spell out the word OKAY in manuscript writing.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestion as mentioned above. The opening is more telling than showing, but you use good character voice which draws the reader in. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Joey isn't convinced that "Butch" aka Kyle is the right guy for his mom.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the characterization. I could totally identifiy with Joey and how he would be reluctant to give Butch a chance. Butch won me over too with the X-Men comic book. hehe
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by Joey. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.
FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "Living room's over there," I said, pointing as though he hadn't been visiting for the last month.
MY SUGGESTION: I pointed casually toward the living room. "It's over there, you know."
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on.
SETTING
TIME: modern day?
PLACE: urban setting?
This is something that that is not defined but could be clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Joey
There's enough here to understand his motivations.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation. You use exclaimation points a lot which makes the story feel a little melodramaic.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestion as mentioned above. The opening needs to be reworked. The transitions seem a little out of order. I would have Joey throwing open the door only to discover... Butch. Then Joey can elaborate on his feelings for Butch. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Leon is homeless and is given a journal to help him gain some direction in his life. Soon he meets a woman named Opal.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the ending. It was unexpected but it worked well with the story.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
The dialogue accents the narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.
FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: He looked over at Opal and said, "Tell me about this job you want us to do."
MY SUGGESTION: He looked at Opal. "Tell me about this job you want us to do."
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. Good job with describing Opal. That visual was perfect. SETTING
TIME: modern day?
PLACE: urban setting?
This is something that that is not defined but could be clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Leon
There's enough here to understand his motivations.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestion as mentioned above. The opening is more telling than showing and doesn't necessarily engage the reader. When you switch POV narration at the end of the story, you don't have to bold. A simple line break is appropriate. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
Cheryl and Steve pick up a hitchhiker who assures them she can take care of herself.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the opening. It caught my attention right away. It engaged the reader.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by Steve. Good job with narration. The present tense is used to tell the story. It appears consistant, but I would suggest using the past tense. Most professional editors prefer it. It's good to get in a habit of writing in the past tense.
DIALOGUE
The dialogue drives the story. There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. If anything, I would suggest just using "she said" or "he replied" in your dialogue tag. Put the action in a seperate sentence.
FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "Howdy," Cheryl replies while leaning over me.
MY SUGGESTION: Cheryl leaned over me. Her eyes looked at the hitch hiker. "Howdy."
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. The descriptions don't have to get long or wordy, but a couple of strageticly placed words could really heighten the tension or the visuals in the story.
SETTING
TIME: modern day?
PLACE: rural setting?
This is something that that is not defined but could be clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Steve and Cheryl
There's enough here to understand their motivations.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestion as mentioned above. With an edit you could make this a good, character driven vignette. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
Jake and Stacey have a life threatening encounter.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the descriptions. They were very visual.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person omniscent. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There is none. Dialogue is typically used to help "show" readers a story. Here, the story is mostly "told." To make the story more engaging to readers, I would try to show more of it. Show Jake & Stacey meeting that silent spark between them. Show them "oogling" the Oldsmobile. Show the accident and most importantly, show how the accident will affect their future decisions.
DESCRIPTIONS
Well done. I could picture the scenes that Jake and Stacey were in. This is probably the strongest part of the story.
SETTING
TIME: modern day? Could be in 1950s
PLACE: rural setting?
This is something that could be clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Jake & Stacey
There's enough revealed about them to understand their motivation.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestion as mentioned above. With an edit you could make this a good, character driven vignette. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
Hello, it's StephBee I'm reviewing this item for the Best of the Rest Contest
THE FORUM
The forum hosts the author's poetry contest.
WHAT I LIKED
I loved how the contest was presented. Also I liked how one round automatically began after the one ended.
RULES/CONTEST
The rules are clearly stated and easy to understand. Good prizes. The prompt is simple, yet stimulates the muse.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I have no suggestions for improvement. Good use of graphics and WDC ML. A fun contest. You can do a lot of things with this contest. For example you could explore poetry forums with prompts. Just a suggestion in that regard, not necessarily one for improvement. Good luck in the Best of the Rest Contest.
Hello, it's StephBee I'm reviewing this item for the Best of the Rest Contest
THE FORUM
The forum hosts the author's contest. The contest is to write about a different county or geographical area that the author does not come from.
WHAT I LIKED
I loved the originality behind the contest. It inspires the constantant to learn about different regions in the world in a fun way.
RULES/CONTEST
The rules are clearly extended. I noticed the contest was extended to 15 JUN, but I would suggest a read through to make sure all the dates where changed to 15 JUN. I wasn't sure if I could enter or not.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
I have no suggestions for improvement. I loved the opening graphic. Good use of WDC ML. A very original contest. Good luck in the Best of the Rest Contest.
This is told in the 3rd person omniscent. Past tense is used approporiately.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes, but I might suggest a minor edit for punctutation.
SUGGESTIONS/PARTING THOUGHTS
There's a good "moral" to the story I think children will connect with. However, the story is "told" as opposed to being "shown" so I would suggest incorporating some dialogue and some action into the story. Show me the story. Just a suggestion, nothing more.
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THE POEM
WHAT I LIKED
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
