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Review Requests: OFF
3,537 Public Reviews Given
4,150 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I tend to review using a format that I can comment on plot, characters, setting, atmosphere and dialogue. I also try to point out typos/errors and that sort of thing. This style may change depending on the item!
I'm good at...
I'm better with fiction than anything else. I might be able to have a go at poetry but please don't expect too much!
Favorite Genres
Horror, dark, suspense, thriller, mystery. However, I'm open minded and will read most genres.
Favorite Item Types
Statics - fiction.
Public Reviews
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476
476
Review of Helping Santa  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey!

This is a Writers Garden Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

*Reading*Initial hook: Hey I'm here since you were locked up in "Invalid Item" 


*Checkg*What I liked:

This was a really fun and light hearted poem! I don't often read poetry but I couldn't resist in the spirit of the season. This piece was an easy read and it flowed nicely *Smile* I really enjoyed it and I have to say I'm a little jealous Santa asked for your help... hehe! Hope you had fun, certainly sounds like it *Smile* Thanks for sharing this!


*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!



Hope this helped!



But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Writers Garden:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
477
477
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hey!

This is a Writers Garden Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

*Reading*Initial hook: Hey I'm here since you were locked up in "Invalid Item" 

*Pencil*Storyline: This is a really interesting start to a story. This piece begins to give the context to the reader, explaining the background and setting the scene which is just what a good prologue should do *Smile*

*People*Characters: The narrator is the protagonist in this piece (do we find out his name?) So far I feel we know what his occupation is, but nothing more about him. However, I think this is fine as we know he will developed further into the story, this is just a taster.

*Home*Setting: The setting of this piece is Earth and some other planet (do we find out which one?)

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: This piece is full of fantasy and promises more fun to come!



*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*‘There’s no dragons on Earth.’

Here, because you use the plural of dragons, it should read:

*BulletG*‘There are no dragons on Earth.’





Hope this helped!



But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Writers Garden:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
478
478
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Writers Garden Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

*Reading*Initial hook: Hey I'm here since you were locked up in "Invalid Item" 


*Checkg*What I liked:

This is a really fun short piece that lets the reader into a slice of your life. I travelled the memory with you and couldn't see what was coming. I a rather ignorant to plant life and couldn't tell you what a Bleeding Heart is! So I do believe my confusion would have mirrored your own! Hehe. Thanks for sharing this, it made me smile! *Smile*


*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!



Hope this helped!



But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Writers Garden:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
479
479
Review of Penance  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hey!

This is a Writers Garden Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

*Reading*Initial hook: Hey I'm here since you were locked up in "Invalid Item" 

*Pencil*Storyline: This tells the story of Laura who, after trying to find a cure for her husband's cancer, accidentally changes him for the worst. While she is trying to find the real cure she has to do something to keep her husband fed and alive...

What a wonderfully creepy story! I really enjoyed reading it and finding out the moral too.

*People*Characters: Laura is the main character in this piece. She comes across as having two personalities. The first is the woman who lures, the seductress. The second is the workahlic, the student. But we soon find out she is the workaholic becoming the seductress in order to survive! Interesting and it works well *Smile*

*Home*Setting: This takes place in her home with the basement being a prominent place.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: This is definitely a creepy story and comes with a good moral too.




*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!



Hope this helped!



But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Writers Garden:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
480
480
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Writers Garden Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

*Reading*Initial hook: Hey I'm here since you were locked up in "Invalid Item" 


*Checkg*What I liked:

This was a really neat piece and a light hearted read *Smile* I liked that I was able to find out your background and what you're really like, it was fun! And I love the pictures too, makes it more personal!




*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!



Hope this helped!



But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Writers Garden:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
481
481
Review of Spook  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Writers Garden Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

*Reading*Initial hook: I'm here with a review since you were locked up in "Invalid Item"  !

*Pencil*Storyline: This tells the story of Brogan, who after returning after being imprisoned as a POW, begins to come to terms with his guilt over losing his friends while he lived.

*People*Characters: This piece introduces the character well and lets the reader get to know him, his background, his personality and motivations. I think you've done well to introduce him to the reader and begin to characterise him.

*Home*Setting: This piece takes place n his family home.



*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!


Hope this helped!



But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Writers Garden:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
482
482
Review of Vlad's Wife  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Writers Garden Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

*Reading*Initial hook: I'm here with a review since you were locked up in "Invalid Item"  !

*Pencil*Storyline: This tells the story of Vlad the Impaler's second wife who, on finding their castle under siege, makes her decision to not be captured. I didn't really know the story of Vlad the Impaler too well but this has given me a good insight so thank you for sharing it.

*People*Characters:Jusztina is Vlad the Impaler's second wife. We know that she is a proud woman who, rather than being taken captive, would rather kill herself. Other than that I don't feel we know a lot about her. I found myself wanting to know why she was his second wife? How they came to be together? Where he was the night the castle came under siege.

*Home*Setting: This takes place in the castle, her home. We get a lot of good description to set the scene.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: This piece is strong with the feel of war and injustice as well as fear.



*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!



Hope this helped!



But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Writers Garden:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
483
483
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey!

This is a Writers Garden Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

*Reading*Initial hook: I'm here with a review since you were locked up in "Invalid Item"  !

*Checkg*What I liked:

I don't often read poetry but when I spotted this piece I couldn't resist! I know it's going to be fun and light hearted!

I wasn't disappointed! This piece flows well and makes an easy read and an enjoyable one too! As I read I found myself smiling at this vegetarian vampire who rummages for any food he can find *Smile* I then saw the prompt and thought you did really well not to use the word blood in this piece, must have been hard!

*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!


Hope this helped!



But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Writers Garden:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
484
484
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Writers Garden Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

*Reading*Initial hook: I'm here with a review since you were locked up in "Invalid Item"  !

*Pencil*Storyline: What a really sad short story. It tells the story of Mrs. Lawton who is suffering daily after her son and husband were involved in a car accident. The hospital make the decision to turn off the machine and it's not something she agrees with...

*People*Characters: Mrs. Lawton is the main character in this. Just a thought but it might be worth having her first name in there somewhere just to make it a little more personal. We know that she's suffering greatly as I think any mother would.

*Home*Setting: The setting of this piece is the hospital where her son is hooked up to machines.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: This piece is really sad.




*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*If they had let her she would of stayed here

Here 'of' should be 'have' and I'm wondering whether 'here' should be 'there'

*BulletG*If they had let her she would have stayed here


*NoteR*A few parting comments...


Hope this helped!



But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Writers Garden:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
485
485
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Writers Garden Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

*Reading*Initial hook: I'm here with a review since you were locked up in "Invalid Item"  !

*Pencil*Storyline: This is a really gritty hard hitting piece. This tells the story of a woman (do we find out her name) who is living in a motel room with her young son and doing what she can do get the high she craves. It's such a sad story and I really felt for this woman. I think this could be a good piece, have you decided to continue with it?

*People*Characters: The main character is nameless (as I mentioned) but I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing. I think coupled with the narrative it works quite well. I do think I would have liked to know a bit more about how she found herself in that situation but perhaps that is to come.

*Home*Setting: The setting of this piece is a motel room and you set the scene well with a variety of description.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: This piece made me quite sad and really think about her.




*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*she didn’t FEEL like herself. She thought as she dabbed on foundation.

Here I think because you're indicating this is her thought, the full stop should be a comma:

*BulletG*she didn’t FEEL like herself, she thought as she dabbed on foundation.

*BulletB*There was food crumbs scattered around,

This should be were as it's plural:

*BulletB*There were food crumbs scattered around,





Hope this helped!



But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Writers Garden:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
486
486
Review of Treat or Trick?  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Writers Garden Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

*Reading*Initial hook: I'm here with a review since you were lockd up in the "Invalid Item" 

*Pencil*Storyline: A vampire story with a bit of a difference. We find out through her dreams that Lisa has been changed into the vampiric creature she is, but not in the way she dreamed. I think that part was important.

*People*Characters: Lisa is the main character in this. We see things from her point of view both in real life and in her dreams and begin to understand what sort of person she was and who she has become and indeed the big change in her.

*Home*Setting: This takes place mostly in Lisa's mind through her dreams and memories.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: This has a dream like feel to it, not just because of the fact that she dreams a lot but also the way in which is was written.




*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!



Hope this helped!



But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Writers Garden:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
487
487
Review of Escape  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hey!

This is a Writers Garden Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

*Reading*Initial hook: I'm here with a review since you got locked up in "Invalid Item" 

*Pencil*Storyline: Haha! I love this piece! You had me terrified and rooting for his life as he ran through the fields only to find out that not all was as it seemed *Wink* Well done! It was a good twist that I didn't see coming.

*People*Characters: The young boy is the main character in this piece. We feel his terror, experience it with him. It's really well shown.

*Home*Setting: A wheat field outside of a dark house late evening. The scene is well set.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: Scary as hell and super tense! Well done!




*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*He was scared, but he has to be strong.

I think this should be 'had'

*BulletG*He was scared, but he had to be strong.



Hope this helped!



But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Writers Garden:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
488
488
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hey!

This is a Writers Garden Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

*Reading*Initial hook: I'm here with a review of this piece since you were locked up in the Jail a Thon!

*Pencil*Storyline: I was hooked on this piece as I read. IT was dark and highly descriptive. It actually made me wonder whether this was a personal account of a dream you have or if it is just a story. Either way, it's tense and scary!

*People*Characters: There is one character in this piece, the one stuck behind the wheel speeding through the dark night. We get to know her feelings and emotions throughout this piece as she experiences it and it brings us closer to the terror of the situation.

*Home*Setting: A dark road in the middle of nowhere.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: Tense and terrifying!




*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!



Hope this helped!



But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Writers Garden:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
489
489
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hey!

This is a Writers Garden Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

*Reading*Initial hook: I'm here with a review of this piece since you were locked up in the Jail a Thon!

*Pencil*Storyline: This was a really well written piece and not what I was expecting. I guess I thought it was about a sandwich - literally! But this was really good and took the reader through the story using only dialogue (well done for that, I'm always impressed when someone can pull it off!)

*People*Characters: The two main characters are Maura and Roger. It becomes obvious they were married but soon split up after Roger had an affair. I'm not sure whether they're still married now? The filler of the sandwich is Misty, their daughter. She's been neglected by Roger but wants him back now that she's met him again. I think this piece says a lot about Maura as a character; she is a woman who appreciates loyalty and though she is willing to talk to Roger she hasn't forgotten.

*Home*Setting: This piece is set at a party, a mixer, which leads me to believe they still live in the same vicinity.

*BurstR*Dialogue: I think the dialogue you use in this piece is really clever, it not only gets across the personality of the characters but it moves the plot forward and allows the reader to understand their reactions too.



*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestion to make!



Hope this helped!



But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Writers Garden:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
490
490
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey!

This is a Writers Garden Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

*Reading*Initial hook: I'm here with a review of this piece since you were locked up in the Jail a Thon!

*Pencil*Storyline: This was a really nice piece and read at a time when I was just thinking of going hiking! Your protagonist goes for a hike one sunny summers day only to be deluged by a bitter snowstorm that lasts only minutes before the sun reappears. This piece is nicely done and explains how quickly the seasons can change.

*People*Characters: I'm not sure we find out the characters name but I think that's fine. We follow her on her hike and understand the emotions she feels, enjoying the warmth of the sun as she does.

*Home*Setting: This piece takes place on a mountain, a lonely place, a peaceful walk.



*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!




Hope this helped!



But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Writers Garden:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
491
491
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Writers Garden Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

*Reading*Initial hook: I'm here with a review of this piece from the Jail a Thon where you were locked up!


*Checkg*What I liked:

Hehe! It's been a while since I stopped by to do any madlib so I really enjoyed taking part in this! It was really fun to do and I have to say that it really made me think! But when I got the results it made me giggle *Smile* It was a nice lighthearted piece and something fun for the holiday season!



Hope this helped!



But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Writers Garden:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
492
492
Review of By the Numbers  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Writers Garden Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

*Reading*Initial hook: I'm here with a review of this piece from the Jail a Thon where you were locked up! I don't normally read poetry but I can't resist a limerick and after all, it's all for the big birthday bash!

*Checkg*What I liked:

This is a really fun little piece in three separate limericks set in stanzas that all go towards the subject of the piece. In the first you allude to '12' the big birthday bash number and then you proceed to confuse me mathematically with the numbers one and two. Honestly, I had to read a few times to make sure I had it right and add it in my head as I went! Maths was never my most brilliant subject! The poem stands well and flows nicely, well done!




Hope this helped!



But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Writers Garden:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
493
493
Review of Dessert  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a Writers Garden Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

*Reading*Initial hook: I'm here with a review of this piece from the Jail a Thon where you were locked up!

*Pencil*Storyline: When I see these 55 word contest entries I always want to read because I think it's an amazing feat! Here you draw the reader into the indulgent temptation of a sundae only to rip it away! Nice twist!

*People*Characters: Elizabeth is the main character in this. We don't really get much development about her but I think that's fine as it's plot driven.

*Home*Setting: This is set, from when I first began reading, I thought in a diner. Obviously this is not the case and again makes the twist you added super fun!

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: Yummy!



*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!



Hope this helped!



But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Writers Garden:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
494
494
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hey!

This is a Writers Garden Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

*Reading*Initial hook: Hey StoryMaster! I'm here to offer you a review since you're locked up in our Writers Garden Jail! *Smile* I chose this piece because I can already sense it's going to be an informative article!

*Checkg*What I liked:

This is certainly a really thought provoking read! I have to say from the excerpts you picked out from the item under scrutiny, I do not agree with it one bit. Your counter arguments are all just and well thought out as well as clear which I think it important! I certainly agree with you that WdC has expanded vastly and for that to happen you need to generate profit. I think the gift point system is a fabulous way to reward other members and take part in the community. It adds to the genuine feel of the community spirit on the site and I love being able to share my gift points around with others.

As for paying for an upgrade, I'm more than happy to do it. I know how much dedication this site takes and that's just from my point of view, it must take ten times more from your point of view and to know that we have such dedicate people running the help is a reassuring thought *Smile*

I hope this makes sense! In summary of what I really want to say is... I agree with all of the points you make here, the gift point system is worthwhile and I'm sure many other people would agree.



Hope this helped!



But well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Writers Garden:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
495
495
Review of Emoticon Fun  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey I saw that somebody else did a review of this piece and I couldn't resist stopping by to read it!

*Checkg*What I liked:

This is a really neat little poem, light hearted and fun! I really enjoyed reading it and think it's neat that you managed to squeeze all of those little emoticons into it *Smile*

Well done and thanks for making me smile!


*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!


Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
496
496
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey, I've been looking for something scary to read and I couldn't resist when I came across this! The description was brilliant and really drew me in.

*Pencil*Storyline: This tells the story of Victor Druchenski who is an anthropologist, and one who will do anything to meet his goal of finding the shaman, only when he goes looking, he doesn't find what he thinks...

An interesting start to the story which acts as a sort of prologue to the whole piece. I'm guessing you've got another piece in the works? I think it's interesting that you used episode rather than chapter.

*People*Characters: The main character is beginning to be developed. He's ruthless and will do what he needs to do to get what he wants. I hope his character will be developed a little more in later chapters.

*Home*Setting: Africa, partly.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: I have to be honest and say I didn't get an inkling of an atmosphere here yet though I think it will be adventure!




*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!




Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
497
497
Review of Paralysis  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey I saw this piece recently featured in one of the newsletters and I wanted to come and check it out. My initial reaction to the way that it looks is that the bold text is a bit much. I'm not sure why but I would advise taking the bold off, I think it makes it easier on the eye.

*Pencil*Storyline: This tells the story of a young boy who is attacked by spiders during the night and his worst fears come true! I think this is an interesting piece with a pretty cool ending too. I would say I think the ending was a little rushed though, all of a sudden he was missing a hand and that was that. I wanted to know how he felt about having to have it amputated? After all, it's a pretty big deal!

Also, I wasn't sure why he felt the need to write it in a notebook. I mean, he had people around him to tell and he could still speak. The only way I'd see the notebook being used is if he wasn't able to speak anymore or was alone in the house and paralysed forever.

*People*Characters: I think I wanted to know more about the main character. How old was he? What made hims scared of spiders?

*Home*Setting: His bedroom at night. A creepy place!

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: I think that while there was tension in this piece there could be more. You tell the reader what is happening rather than showing them. Try letting them engage more with the character, have them understand how he feels when this is all happening. What does he see, feel, hear, smell?



*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*So it was only last night that it began, I don’t know what caused them to react as they did,

I think personally, I would have this as two separate sentences as they are different subjects.

*BulletG*So it was only last night that it began. I don’t know what caused them to react as they did,

*BulletB*downstairs, I perched myself up onto my elbows whilst lying on my back and saw the outline of a small, mysterious shape on my chest.

Again I would have this as two sentences. You move onto another subject which would usually indicate a period rather than a comma.

*BulletB*downstairs. I perched myself up onto my elbows whilst lying on my back and saw the outline of a small, mysterious shape on my chest.

*BulletR*As I turned the lights on a sudden burst of bright

You just need an extra comma in here.

*BulletR*As I turned the lights on, a sudden burst of bright

*BulletV*I investigated what I had batted away only seconds ago, there was nothing in sight.

I think here a semi colon would be more appropriate than a comma. A semi colon is used when the subjects are closely connected which I believe these are.

*BulletV*I investigated what I had batted away only seconds ago; there was nothing in sight.

*Bullet*even if their harmless the mere sight of them sends shivers down my spine.

This should be 'they're' as it's an abbreviation of 'they are'

*Bullet*even if they're harmless, the mere sight of them sends shivers down my spine.




Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
498
498
Review of The Station  
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey I've been perusing the horror genre for something to read and when I spotted this I couldn't resist. I happen to think train stations are particularly creepy at night...

*Pencil*Storyline: This is a really different and original piece. I'm not sure what I expected, but it wasn't that. I guess I thought he might be dead and not left behind, but it seems he was in fact left behind by the pace of the world.

*People*Characters: I think the fact that he is left behind by a fast moving world is quite telling of his character as well as the world we are living in. I think a lot of people do feel left behind, out of sync, but most manage to stay in touch with reality. It's a little sad he was left so far behind he couldn't move on.

*Home*Setting: A train station. An eerie train station.

*Ghost*Atmosphere/tone: Creepy and eerily sad.


*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!


Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
499
499
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hey!

This is a Let's Help Each Other Grow Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: Hey I was looking for something to read when I came across this piece. I love gaming so I couldn't resist!

*Pencil*Storyline: I have to be honest and say that because of the nature of this piece and the switch between tenses and perspectives, I found it hard to follow and know what was happening all of the way through. However, I do think you have a good idea here and it has a lot of potential if you work on it a little more.

A couple of things about the plot that left me with questions, including why he didn't want old video games to be played? It was sort of explained in the end but not fully.




*Cut**Paste*A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear *Smile*

*BulletG*Somehow, he knew this was coming. The days of becoming a somebody are over. You just need to face the facts that old-style video games are just old school.

Okay in this opening few sentences you switch between past tense and present tense as well as third person and second person. In order to keep the flow of the piece it makes it easier if you stick to one point of view and one tense. I would suggest:

Somehow, he knew it was coming. The days of becoming a somebody were over. He just needed to face the facts that old-style video games were just old school.

*BulletB*Do you think that WE can stop him?!!! (Laughing) There is no way we can stop that punk from taking the world over.

Rather than putting (laughing) here in brackets I would write:

Do you think that WE can stop him?" he laughed. "There is no way we can stop that punk from taking the world over.

*BulletR*took pictures of Simon’s secret hideout and reported to the the main building in Washington D.C.

There's just a repeated word here.

took pictures of Simon’s secret hideout and reported to the main building in Washington D.C.

*BulletV*“video games isn’t mindless.
“video games aren’t mindless.



*NoteR*A few parting comments...

I would suggest that all new speech should start on a new paragraph to make it a little easier to read. So where you have:

Charlie negatively answered, “I rather fight aliens than video game characters because aliens are easy to kill, but video game characters are hard to beat up.” “Don’t be like that, Charlie,” Diana added, “we need to do something about this.” “She’s right,” Simon added, “we need to stop all of this madness.” All of them agreed and run off to find the leader.

I would write:

Charlie negatively answered, “I'd rather fight aliens than video game characters because aliens are easy to kill, but video game characters are hard to beat up.”

“Don’t be like that, Charlie,” Diana added, “we need to do something about this.”

“She’s right,” Simon added, “we need to stop all of this madness.” All of them agreed and run off to find the leader.

I would also suggest having spaces between each paragraph to make it a little more accessible to the reader.

Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Let's Help Each Other Grow Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
500
500
Review by blue jellybaby
In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hey!

This is a Let's Help Each Other Grow Review! *Smile*

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!


*Reading*Initial hook: I was looking for something to read and I'll have to admit that you had me at peanut butter! Yum!


*Checkg*What I liked:

I don't read much poetry but I liked the light hearted nature of this poem. I like the fact that you love peanut butter so much you wanted to write about it! I think you missed out something essential though... do you have crunchy or smooth?!

I think this piece could be added to if you wanted. You could tell the reader how it makes you feel, how it tastes, how it smells *Smile* But overall a good and fun piece!


*Cut**Paste*I have no suggestions to make!


Hope this helped!


Well done on a good write!!*Pencil*

Reviewed on behalf of the Let's Help Each Other Grow Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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