Dear Michyio,
I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 2nd WDC Anniversary!
I found myself liking this poem, it flows well and tells a nice tale. It does need a little editing TLC, but nothing major. I liked the idea you expressed here though, that the Raven was once the most colorful bird around, but lost all its color and is now black. My comments are below.
Title: Excellent for this poem
Description: First poem I ever wrote.And it was not inspired by "The Raven". It's was "Annabell Lee." While this is good, I think you can do better. You might say something like, "My first poem, inspired by Poe's "Annabelle Lee"."
Rhyme/Rhythm: Your rhyme and rhythm closely followed that used in Annabelle Lee, but the English we speak today is not Poe's, causing this to read a little off. I will provide comments on that below.
General Comments:
1. I know Poe used words over and over in his poem, and that was how things were in his time. But in today's world, it seems to detract from the read. (At least from what I can tell. If I may, I have a couple of minor suggestions on this.
Raven Heart
They say that I am The Devil’s Bird,
That I don’t care,
Maybe I'm selfish,
Some say I will never Fly,
But I am The Raven.
And they are wrong,
I am Flying,
Higher, and Stronger.
They made me this way,
Called me 'outcast',
Took my brilliant colors,
Once I was the brightest,
Different, so they shunned me,
My colors faded,
My tears meant nothing,
They call me heartless,
But they are the ones without a heart,
Not me, nor the rest of my Kind,
We are The Ravens,
We are the 'Silent Watchers',
Masters of the Darkness.
I really didn't intend to go through the whole poem like that, but once I started, I realized it was about all I could do. If I may make another suggestion, it's this. Like I said, I loved the idea that the Raven was originally the brightest bird around. Tell the reader how the Raven lost it's colors. Maybe the Peacock tool the turquoise and blues, the Cardinal stole the red, something like that. But tell us how they did it, and when. A little story telling in this poem would make it so much stronger. And what a read that would be!
Overall impressions: A nice poem about the Raven and how it came to be considered an outcast.
Sum1
WDC POWER RAIDER
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