Dear Auntynae,
I saw a review of this on the Anniversary Review page and was intrigued by it. Knowing it is your Anniversary month, I thought I'd drop by to celebrate this occasion also, your 11th Anniversary!
I found this to be a really good story, with an ending I didn't see coming. It flowed quickly, but kept my interest throughout, making it a pleasant read. I could almost see a little of Anne McCaffrey or Piers Anthony in it (I too was a big fan of Pern and Xanth as a teen). I could visualize Sault Ste Marie in the story, having visited there 10 years ago. The idea of a train ride through Southern Canada was nice. I do have a little feedback for you on it.
Title: Excellent for this story
Description: Very good, it piqued my interest and made me want to read this.
Grammar: There are a few places where a word is missing, or misused, detailed below. Other than that, very good.
My Favorite Part: The end. It was a bit of a twist, and well hidden along the way, so I never suspected a thing.
General Comments:
1. I called work and told my boss of my extraordinary wind fall. Windfall should be one word.
2. I was so excited about winning a free trip to anywhere that I never once gave any thought to what raffle I had entered or that I had never actually heard Chapleau or The Wilderness Island resort before. It seems you need a comma after entered. You need the word of before Chapleau.
3. When was the last time I had entered any kind of event at a charity? To me, this is part of the previous paragraph.
4. I would remember sometime in the future when the information was no longer relevant, I was sure. This seems to be worded a little awkwardly, and is missing a comma. I think this might work for you. I was sure I would remember sometime in the future, when the information was no longer relevant.
5. The brochure I picked up at the train station promised a spectacular view of the rugged country leading into my resort. You ended the previous line with the word resort, doing so again so soon detracts from the read. An easy fix would be to change the second usage of resort to destination.
6. The brochure didn’t lie. This too should be part of the previous paragraph. But you might want to make it a part of the previous sentence, since again you used a word close in succession (brochure). Maybe this would work for you. The plane landed in Sault Ste Marie, Canada and I transferred to the train for the rest of my ride to The Wilderness Island resort. The brochure I picked up at the train station promised a spectacular view of the rugged country leading into my resort, and I quickly saw that it wasn't lying about the view. We glided through the beautiful northern countryside between mountains and beside clear blue lakes for an hour. My expectations of enjoying the quiet splendor of the world’s largest wild life preserve mentioned in the brochure grew with each passing mile.
7. So, it was with eagerness that I sought out my promised guide to take me to my cabin. You should delete the word so to start this sentence, it is unnecessary.
8. I reminded myself that nothing every goes completely smoothly as I gathered my bags together and struggled towards the ticket window. Every should be ever, smoothly should be smooth.
9. The old man behind the window looked at me strange and said, “I don’t know what you are talking ‘bout gel. I know you're writing in a dialect here, but I don't understand the use of the word 'gel'.
10. “But, but I have a ticket and paperwork here saying I have a reservation. See” You need a question mark after see.
11. I was so on edge that I nearly fell out of my seat when I man appeared and called my name. The I before man should be an a.
12. “No M’am I am your guide, Harry Gallagher.” Gently inserting himself between me and my bags, he said, “here, let me get those.” Here should be capitalized.
13. Behind him the Northern lights brighten the night sky taking my breath away. Brighten should be brightened.
14. My heart started to race as I began to fear that Harry was not my guide to the resort, but some kind of sereal killer. Sereal should be serial.
15. The ending is a little vague. One could take it to mean she is dying, so he's there to lead her home. One could also assume that she's really an alien, and he's there to take her home. Either one is nice, but I think you should make it obvious what the true ending is, but leave it as it is with him leading her away.
Overall impressions: A good story about a woman who receives an all expense paid vacation, and never questions how she won it, having never entered anything for it.
Sum1
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I would love to talk to her myself, and find out a little about her. Where has she lived, what has she done in life. Then, write about that! Now there would be a nice story. Forget celebrities, sports figures, anyone famous. They don't live in the same world we do, and are not 'real' in my eyes. And that's the sad part, because 95% of them wouldn't care about that woman one bit. Thank you for the enjoyable read. And enjoy your youth, it seems to pass so quickly....
Either way, it would be awkward at best. I guess once you get past the chill, all would be well. Have to use some mind over matter, that's all. But, could you keep the passion going while doing that? That's the question. I do have one small comment for you though about it.