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3,285 Public Reviews Given
3,333 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Casual for the most part. I will point out errors I see and offer suggested corrections. I like to focus on the content and formatting of the item. I love providing helpful comments and feedback that may improve the item if acted on.
I'm good at...
I like to provide suggestions to the author on things I see that may need a second look. I'm not afraid to do a little research to verify a poem's format, or the contents of a story (if requested).
Favorite Genres
Mystery, Horror, Sci-Fi, Comedy, and Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Honestly, I will read anything if asked. I just prefer those listed above.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novellas, books (though a review of that may take days/weeks due to my schedule), Poetry of any format.
Least Favorite Item Types
I find non-structured poetry difficult to review, unless there is a short disclaimer about this non-structure that would help in understanding the reason it's in that particular format.
I will not review...
I'm not interested in Vore, In and Out's, Growing/Shrinking, or other items that are similar to one of these.
Public Reviews
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726
726
Review of The Storm  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Bianca,
         I saw this on the recently awarded page, and thought I'd give it a look. Your description mentions it being a poem in prime, so I'm.' assuming each line will have a prime number for it's word (1,2,3,5,7,9,11, etc). The story you tell in this poem is very good, even for it being so short. (You might want to try a different sort of challenge though, writing one using a Fibonacci sequence *Smile* ). I do have a couple of comments for you on it.

1. Together we walk back, as my bicycle's wheel is flat. This line is 10 words; ten is not a prime number.

2. Silently we struggle, focussing to one point Focussing should be focusing.


Overall, a nice poem about a stormy day, and a chance meeting.



Sum1

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727
727
Review of Dear Love  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear April,
         Thank you for honoring me with your review request, I do hope I can do justice to this lovely poem. I will provide comments on the poem overall, but not on your grammar. I'm not qualified to comment on your usage of this dialect, so will not mention that at all.

         Your poem is very beautiful, and flows well. I loved the images you created as I read this, I thought about the movie, "Robin and Marian", with Sean Connery. I imagined those two as I read this, of course I heard his voice as I read it. Your rhyme scheme of abab was perfect, and while I found the flow a little choppy, I fear it was me trying to pronounce words I'm not used to saying. I did see a couple of things you may want to look at in this.

1. There are two lines in the poem within close proximity of each other where you use the word 'thee' four times.

I would call upon thee to bid thee farewell
My forlorn visage would not betray me then
Yet my soul died that moment; I never would tell

Thee just how much I suffered without thee

At first glance, I would suggest removing the second usage of 'thee' in the first line. But I'm not sure how to edit the last line to leave only one usage of 'thee'.

2. There are five lines that start with the word 'For'. As I said, I'm no expert in the dialect, but was that a word used much then? Either way, I think it would be a good idea to edit two of them from the document. The biggest issue I saw with these words, is that in two instances, you used 'For' twice in two verses to start lines.

         All in all, I found this to be very beautiful, a wonderful poem that flows very nicely when read.


Sum1

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Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Dear Bikerider,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 3rd WDC Anniversary!

         I love your poem, it flows very nicely. Being a 20 year veteran myself, I have a soft spot for anything good about a veteran. I hate the idea of men dying in war, but I don't see a way of stopping it either.

         The rhythm of your poem varies a little, from 7 syllables in a couple of lines, to as many as ten in one line. And it is the lone line of ten syllables that throws off the rhythm the most (her secret, a heartbeat inside she keeps). The other lines have 7-9 syllables per line, and the flow is very smooth, but that one seems to throw the rhythm off for me. Also, the first two verses have an aabb rhyme scheme, but the third, fourth, and fifth use an acbb, with the second line in each verse not rhyming with anything else. Then the last verse is all rhyme. I'm not saying these are not correct, it's just something I noticed as I read the poem. I think it's beautiful, the story is powerful and sad. If I were to recommend any changes at all, it would be to somehow shorten that one line to at most nine syllables.




Sum1

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729
729
Review of Maybe  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Stormy Winters,
         As your description suggests, your poem speaks of an old love that can never be forgotten. For me, the true impact of this poem didn't hit me until the fourth verse. Usually I'm not fond of repetition in a poem, unless the format calls for it, like a Kyrielle or Villanelle. But the repetition of Maybe was excellent! But I do have to say that in poetry, sometimes less is more. What I mean by that is, you don't have to use complete sentences, yet your words and flow still need to make sense. So you need to be careful with using the same word over and over. In this poem, using Maybe is fine, it's the crux of the poem. I'll mention this again in my comments below.



Title:   Excellent for this poem.




Description:  Very good, it's what drew me in to read it.




Grammar:  You sometimes tend to use 'and', and 'but' in close proximity, which really draws attention to that part of the poem.




Rhyme/Rhythm:  Free flowing poem, so no rhyme or rhythm needed, but there were a couple of rhymes seen as I read it.




General Comments:  

1. As I mentioned in my introduction to the review, sometimes less is better. Here's an example.

Your radiating smile warms
the darkest corners of my heart.
You make me feel safe
and nothing else matters when we're together.

If I may be so bold, here's an example, with a few less words.

Your radiating smile warms
the chill in my heart.
I feel safe in your arms,
and nothing else matters.

2. I feel lost and confused and alone You might want to delete the first usage of and, replacing it with a comma, plus adding a comma after confused.

3. In the third verse, you use three lines, while the fifth verse has five. I know it's a free verse poem, so it doesn't need a fixed format, but it might look and read a little better with a fourth line here

But, maybe it's better this way.
Maybe, I'm better off alone,
Like I've always been before.

Here's a suggestion for you.

Maybe it's better this way.
You in your world, me in mine.
Perhaps I'm better off alone,
Like I've always been before.

4. I think you could have a greater impact on readers if the fourth verse became the first. You would hit a reader nicely with that verse, then have the current first three verses after that one. Just an opinion.



Overall impressions:  A beautiful poem about a first love, and the subsequent loss of it.


Sum1

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730
730
Review of Lasha Thornhook.  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
*Fire* Congrats! You're receiving a gift from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. ! The Nuclear Package has been ordered for you from: Archivist Author Icon and includes a mix of six reviews of any items in your port!! Enjoy! *Fire*

         Hi Blue! I'm Sum1 Author Icon, I'm here to provide you a review of this as part of your Nuclear package!

         This is quite the short story you have started here, and I have to say I love the ending. Your character is telling this story, and you wrote it nicely from their point of view. Your descriptions of her siblings were excellent, allowing a reader to form an image in their mind of each one of them. I found myself feeling sorry for each one of them, mainly because of the life they were forced to live, with a father who didn't seem to care much about his children. Of course, this seems to take place in the distant past, so that may explain a little about his feelings. For the most part, the story flowed well with a pretty natural dialog, but it does need a little editing TLC for it to standout. If I may, I have a few comments/suggestions for you about it.



Title:  Very good for this story.



Description:  Very good, but I have to say, I got the impression that she was (is) the only gnome in the family, and that the rest of the family are 'normal' humans. That may just be me and how I read it, but you might want to make that clear in the story itself.



Grammar:  Good for the time the story takes place in.




My Favorite Part:  The ending. It fit well and helped end the story on a strong point.





General Comments:  

1. If that's all that happened to me maybe I wouldn't have to be telling you why my family makes everyone else`s family seem functional. I think you need a comma after me.

2. I recognize that look, you're thinking wow this girl is really fucked up, listen to what she's saying. Since Lasha is thinking in this sentence, you need to highlight that in some way. A good way is to use italics in place of quotes to highlight when a character is thinking. Perhaps this would work for you. I recognize that look, you're thinking, Wow this girl is really fucked up, listen to what she's saying.

3. stupid name, I know. With the period after Thornvale in the previous sentence, this becomes a sentence on its own. As it sits, it's incomplete, but still a sentence, so the first word needs to be capitalized.

4. If I hear any slave joke even murmur from your lips, I'll make sure you know what it's like to be a slave. Using 'any' in this sentence, joke needs to be plural, or change any to 'a', and it reads fine.

5. Mix that with the anger issues my family has and you can imagine how often my thug of a brother has been arrested.If my parents weren't loaded maybe he'd stay there for a while too. You need a space between sentences. In on line writing, you should double space separate sentences to help set them apart.

6. In a story that is relatively short, one word stood out because you used it quite a bit. Even. I know it's probably the way you wanted your main character to speak, but it seemed a bit overdone. Change some if you want, that's your choice of course.




Overall impressions:  A good story that needs a little TLC to allow it to stand out from others.


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Sum1

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731
731
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Stormy Winters,
         Before I write anything about the "Reasons Why I Write", I want to thank you with all my heart for bidding on a package from me. You honor and humble me with that gesture more than you'll know.

         I'm not sure I've ever thought about writing in the sense of seeing the author's pain behind their words. But when I think about it, it's true. I find my writing to also be a therapy; I originally started writing for me, no one else. But time passed, I joined WDC, and now I write not only for me, but because I love it, and want to express myself, the inner self that very few get to see. You worded that in this short essay far better than I ever could. But I think we have similar goals in wanting to leave a little piece of ourselves behind. Very nicely written, thank you for the thoughtful read. *Smile*



Sum1

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732
732
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Dear Countrymom,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 12th WDC Anniversary!

         There was no way I could let this day pass without stopping by to wish you a Happy WDC Anniversary. I hope you have many more with us!

         I absolutely love this forum you have here, I think it's great that you honor our Veterans every day. I've entered your contest a couple of times, and have been fortunate enough to win some too, but I really think this page is fantastic. It's laid out well, the images you use here are great, and pay tribute to the various branches of the service. Thank you for creating and running this page, it is just that special, at least to me.



Sum1

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733
733
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Dear YellowRose,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 3rd WDC Anniversary!

         When I saw it was your account anniversary this month, there was no doubt in my mind who the featured reviewer would be. Your participation in this forum is huge, it would not grown near as much as it has without your help and work each month.

         I had the privilege of visiting the Mission San Juan Capistrano while I was in San Diego recently, allowing me to easily relate to this beautiful poem. What I never knew though, was that the Swallows have been coming there since the early 1900's. I thought it was much longer than that. The mission has been there since the 1700's though, and it was Father O'Sullivan who who invited them initially (at least according to a brochure from the mission). Your poem flows so nicely though; the story of the mission swallows and how they return every year is almost unbelievable. Thank you for this poem.

         By the way, I took several pictures at the mission while I was there. I'll happily send them to you if you like. *Smile*




Sum1

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734
734
Review of Special Delivery  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Dear Robin,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 8th WDC Anniversary!

         I can't believe I let the actual day of your anniversary go by without sending you a review! *Frown* There's no excuse, but this past weekend was pretty busy for me. Even so, I thought I'd come by and send you anniversary wishes a couple of days late.

         You tell a mighty fine tale here, one that is easy to follow. While the rhythm was not consistent throughout, I hardly thought about it as I read your story. I found myself wondering if this is a true story, or fiction. Doesn't really matter, I was entranced by it either way. I've read quite a bit about WWII, but mainly the Pacific campaigns. Still, I do know quite a bit about the European campaigns too. But I don't know who Grace is, but that's not surprising really. You made me feel as if I should know her, know of her writings and exploits. *Smile* Thank you for bringing her (and Marie) to life in this poem.



Sum1

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735
735
Review of The Hitchhiker  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
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Dear Treebie,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 10th WDC Anniversary!

         You tell quite the tale here, and since this is the only item in your port, you should consider writing more. I read a story very similar to this one a while back, so you and someone else share the same thought process. This is very good, it flows well, I liked the link to Simon's mother at the end. There are several things you may want to look at in this though, it does need some editing help.


Title:  Perfect for this story.



Description:  Very good, it describes the story, and also warns those of us who are too trusting in real life.




My Favorite Part:  The end, it worked for me.





General Comments:  

1. There are formatting issues throughout the story. Several sentences seem to end with a hard return before reaching the end of the line on the screen. Here's an example.

But through the combination of thunder and the howling wind, a chill is sent up even the
bravest spine.

2. For as each of us strive to leave our mark on the world, this creature has devised a way to remain in the hearts and souls of generations to come. Strive should be plural, strives.

3. "That's college town right?" This really needs an 'a' in it. "That's a college town right?"

4. Rain faded to drizzle as the stranger stared into the darkness, lost in deep thought, his mind focussed but distant. He appeared to be lost in deep thought, processing some major strategy he had to develop to perfection. Focused needs just one 's'. You tell the reader in two consecutive sentences that he's lost in thought. That's a bit redundant in such close succession, you might want to consider deleting one of them.

5. Robert, a hunter at heart and excited to see the Magnificat beast, raced over to see the spectacle. It should be magnificent, not magnificat, and it shouldn't be capitalized.

6. The body dropped like a deer blasted by a shotgun, while the killer remained emotionless, staring silently down at the carcass as though saying to himself, "nice job." Since nice job is dialog, even if only to himself, nice should be capitalized.

7. First he caught his second girlfriend this month in bed with another guy and now he's stranded in the middle of nowhere. The way this is written, it's in present tense, but he caught her sometime in the past. So you should add 'had' before caught.

8. Towards the end when Simon is picked up by Michael, there's a point where the reader isn't sure who's talking, or who Robert is. You go back and forth between calling Simon Robert, and vice-versa. This causes a little confusion on the readers part.

9. Simple truth being he was extremely close to his mother. You are telling the reader a little about Simon's background, and how close he was to his mother. But, in the next few lines, you tell us how she was killed. So it seems that was should be 'had been'.

10. They never found the guy, and to this day her son becomes enraged to the point of murder when someone tries to take away his only feasible association to his loving mother; a girlfriend. Again, this is in the past, so becomes should be became, and tries should be tried.

11. His hands stopped fighting with the wire, and with his few remaining seconds alive, when he knew death was inevitable, he said to himself, "I'm coming mother," ashis body went limp and fell against his killer. You need a space between as, and his.




Overall impressions:  An eerie story of a hitchhiker that can make goosebumps appear on your arms.


Sum1

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736
736
Review of Ghost  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Dear T.L. Finch,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 8th WDC Anniversary!

         I think your approach of a ghost talking to his wife is a nice idea. I loved the verses, and the words he 'spoke' in this poem. I've noticed that you have a tendency to write poems with very short lines (except in your sonnets), but to me, this one reads a bit better if you combine lines. This would change the poem to four lines per verse, instead of eight. No wording changes, but what it does for you, is give you an internal rhyme in each line. Just a personal opinion is all, but I think it reads beautifully displayed like that.

Ghost

Calm fills the air as day falls away
with tender care, I'll quietly say,
"Please don't fear, just stay awhile".
Show me dear, your precious smile.

Let me comfort you, and ease the pain,
as sunlight fades, I call your name.
My spirit drifts through endless nights,
always toward your golden light.

Brightest flowers cannot compare
to the brilliance of my love so fair.
Don't cry for me, remember this,
we never parted without a kiss."





Sum1

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737
737
Review of Pause the World  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Dear ShellySunshine,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 6th WDC Anniversary!

         This is a beautiful poem you've written for your daughter. It seems you wrote it from her POV though, but there's nothing wrong with that. *Smile* It's free flowing lines tell how you'd like to pause the world, and keep you both at your current age. It reminds me of my youngest, who once told us she was going to remain five years old forever, so she could stay with mom. A personal preference here, but I love poetry centered on the page. Also, the idea of a rhyming version of this hit me as I read it; it could be awesome. Thank you for the enjoyable read.



Sum1

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738
738
Review of Dinner Out  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Dear Scribe,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 10th WDC Anniversary!

         Sometimes, it's amazing what impressions people form in a new place. Both of them dined together at the restaurant, one seemed to love it, the other hated it. I had to smile at this story though; in my traveling, I frequently dine alone, and often wonder what another might think of a place I loved, or vice-versa. But in this story, I also wondered if her love for it was more because it was the "hippest, hottest new eatery in town", or was her dinner really that good, and his that bad. It does make one think. Either way, another good story from you. I've never been disappointed yet. *Smile*




Sum1

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739
739
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
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Dear Nikola,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 9th WDC Anniversary!

         I grew up in the southwestern US, so I was 'around' Native American's often. Unfortunately, I never appreciated their culture and knowledge until a bit later in life. Your story flows well, I loved the idea of Rob being punished by the pony statue in some way. It seemed appropriate. The idea of her leaving the pony with him was even more 'poetic justice'. A very enjoyable story, with a nice theme to it.




Sum1

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740
740
Review of The Eagle  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear YellowRose,
         You do well in writing poetry, you convey a message in everything you write. This is beautiful, yet could be a lot stronger, and more beautiful. I can tell in your poem how close you feel to nature, and to the 'original' Americans, those who lived here long before white men came to this part of the world. So show us a little more about the majestic eagle. *Smile* Why are they disappearing? What color are they? How big? Do they hunt? If so, what? How do they hunt, how about their babies? There's a lot you could tell here to bring home your point is all. Of course, that might require a bit of research, and I don't know how comfortable you are looking things up on the internet, etc. Either way, I liked this poem for it's message, and for the small glimpse you gave us in to something you feel strongly about. *Bigsmile*




Sum1

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741
741
Review of Hunter At The Sea  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Dear Lisa,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 1st WDC Anniversary!

         This is a cute poem about your hound dog, you and him both love the sea (as do I). It's flow is a little choppy, but for me the story is more important, so a bit of choppiness is fine if you ask me. You painted a few images in my mind as I read this, bringing back memories of being on the ocean last year at the Outer Banks. I did see a couple of things you may want to look at in this.



Title:  Excellent for this story.




Description:  I would delete the last part of your description; after all, you've titled it Hunter At The Sea, so why reiterate that again? But, I would use a few words to describe the poem more. At first, I thought Hunter was a generic term for a hunter type of animal living by the sea. So describe it some to us, as much as you can in 90 characters.




Rhyme/Rhythm:  There is one line that seemed to be a little bit forced for rhyme, as if you wrote it to match the next line. The first two lines of the last verse are way off in rhythm though, being 6 syllables, compared to around 10-11 for the of the poem.




General Comments:  

1. I found him there one summer and me, he did adore. The comma seems to be needed after summer, not me.

2. Paradise in the evening, just around dusk, You've already used paradise in the first line, using it in the third makes it really stand out. Also, paradise in the evening? It's not clear what you mean with that part.

3. He is a jolly happy friend to me, I found him in the past, This line seems a bit contrived, or maybe it's the following line. Either way, the rhyme here is good, but it's as if these lines were written to fit, not to be a part of the story. You found him in the past, that's been said, but not in those words, that's why I thought these lines didn't mesh well with the rest of the poem.

4. He bellows out a bark,

you'd think he saw a shark.

Look at the length of the rest of your lines, and look at these two. You can see the obvious difference. But, it's easily edited. Maybe something like,

Sometimes he plays in the waves, and bellows out a bark,
For all his antics and such, you'd think he saw a shark.




Overall impressions:  I really liked this poem though, it reminds me of past times at the beach, seeing people with their dogs having fun playing in the surf and sand. A little editing will help it achieve higher grades from future reviewers.


Sum1

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Review of Max's story prt 1  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
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Dear Luk,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 1st WDC Anniversary!

         I will try to be positive in this review, but to be honest, you need to examine how you write, look at other people's writings, both professional, and on WDC. Examples of things you need to do in editing this story:

1. Use a new paragraph each time someone new speaks. In your story, it is impossible to know who's talking.

2. All singular usages of I require capitalization.

3. The first word of each sentence needs to be capitalized.

4. Use proper grammar, dialog, and punctuation when writing. Examples from your story are:

         a. luk: "Nope there is no trainer iin qany of these trees." There are a number of things wrong in this simple sentence. Luk should be capitalized. You do not use colons to start dialog, a comma is used. iin is misspelled, it should be in. Qany is misspelled, it should be Any. You need a comma after Nope.

5. When someone says, "Damn", you need an 'n' at the end of it, as I spelled it, not dam. A dam is something that blocks the flow of water in a river or stream.

6. At the end, you type, To be contiuned Continued is misspelled.

If I may offer advice, it would be to learn how to write a story. If you want to be taken seriously as a writer, then you will need to hone your craft. You start a nice story here, but you write it like you're talking to your friends, not trying to impress potential readers.



Sum1

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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Dear Ruwth,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your WDC Anniversary!

         You didn't really think I'd let this day go by without dropping by for a review, did you? *Smile* I would never think of you as an introvert, but then, being on line safe in your house is far different from being in person. I'm the opposite of you, but have learned to tone down my approach with others since I can be a bit much at times, lol.

         This is a nice informative essay about you, I had fun reading it. If I may make one suggestion, it would be to focus on one thing at first, such as why you're an extraverted (did you mean extroverted in the last sentence?) introvert. Tell us how you have extrovert tendencies, the situations, etc. Then shift to how you are an introvert at heart, and why. In your essay here, you tend to bounce back and forth between the two, and it just seems it would be better to focus on one first, then the other.

         Thanks for the informative read, it was a pleasure to get to know you a little better.



Sum1

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Review of ME V/S THE PITTS  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (1.0)
Dear Marvin,
         In every review, I try to be positive, and I will here too, but it's going to be very hard. So I'll get right to my comments, and see if somewhere along the way I can be positive.

1. Get rid of the capital letters. First, in looking at on line writing, it's considered rude, as if you're yelling at us.
2. Write a poem. This is as far from a poem as a Volkswagen Beetle is from a Space Shuttle. I don't mean to be rude, but I'm afraid it's the truth. Your 'poem' has no flow to it, no rhythm. Some lines are one syllable in length, others are far more, at least one is sixteen syllables. It doesn't have to rhyme, and this one definitely doesn't, but having a bit of rhythm to it (lines that flow well together, and are somewhere close to the same length syllable-wise) is a necessity.
3. You do not need to use more than one exclamation mark, EVER! You have fourteen lines (Yes, I went back and looked, counted how many there were) that have approximately thirty exclamation marks (yes, I counted the number in at least one line.)
4. You repeat this whole poem, caps and exclamation marks, everything. No idea why.
5. Please tell us something in your writing, let it make sense. I read the first version of this. If you drop the caps, change the format a bit, to a story and not a poem, it will be a little better. But even then, it will need an awful lot of work.

         I would like to give this a higher rating, but I'm sorry, I can't. If you edit this at all, if you want me to look at it again and possibly raise my rating, I'll be happy to. But I make no promises, only that I'll look at it again once it's edited.



Sum1

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Review of Do you hear me?  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.5)
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Dear Papillon,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 4th WDC Anniversary!

         I wasn't sure what to make of the first part of this. Then I realized it was a long introduction to your poem. So my first suggestion is to get rid of this part. It has nothing to do with the poem, but would make a nice story if you lengthened it a little bit. *Smile* But the introduction does have a couple of things to look at, should you keep it with this poem.

1. I draw my knees closer under the table avoiding an army of endless tiny tattering raindrops falling from a huge, green, umbrella towering above my head. This sentence runs on a bit, and at a minimum needs a comma after tiny, and tattering,and remove the comma after green.

2. The cold monsoon roar mannishly, stirring leaves into little circles by the sidewalk. I'm not sure what you mean by mannishly. Plus it seems that roar should be roars.

3. As the cold wind hit my skin; glistening particles of water drops cling on to my skin. You used skin twice here in close succession. I would replace the second usage of 'my skin' with 'it.

4. My palms drew closer around the white mug, salvaging for some warmth. This is worded a little awkwardly, and can be re-worded to read a little better. My palms drew closer around the white mug, salvaging a little warmth from it.

         Your poem itself is very good, it speaks of a love that has been cast aside. Memories are all that's left, and the author's heart aches for the one who has left them. I love this line, You’re the first and last thing I see when I close my eyes,, but if I may make one more suggestion for you. Ask yourself a question. How do you see someone first, and last, when you close your eyes? So, a slight re-wording, and a new line, will make it read much smoother. You’re the first thing I imagine I see when I open my eyes, and last thing I see when I close them,


         If I were to rate the poem alone, I would give it a 4 or 4.5. But since the intro is included as part of it, my rating changes to the one given. If you edit this and want me to look at it again, I'll be happy to, and will then rate it accordingly.



Sum1

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Review of Fate  Open in new Window.
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Rated: ASR | (2.5)
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Dear Kev,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 13th WDC Anniversary!

         You know, this starts out good, but seems to lose steam quickly. In the first four lines you tell the reader that everyone has a destiny, fate, or whatever we wish to call it. I realize you qualify it with the word 'Supposedly', but still, you focus on the fact that we all have one. Suddenly you shift to the thought that we don't really have one at all, that these are merely words put on paper. In doing that, you really need a new paragraph since it is counter to the original idea. You do open a new paragraph with the mention of our lives and the emotional turmoils we encounter, nicely done there! But, to make this a really compelling essay, you need to flesh this out more. What I mean is, give us more examples of why one might believe in a destiny for everyone. Then move to a new paragraph, and provide examples against the previous thought. Flesh this out well too, so we are left with examples of each, and can form our own opinions based on the facts provided. Finally, you end this very abruptly, leaving the readers thought processes essentially hanging in mid-air. If you do edit this some, I would be more than happy to come back and review it again, and change my rating should it warrant a higher grade.



Sum1

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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Dear Redrowrite
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 7th WDC Anniversary!

         Wow, you tell quite the story here. My first thought is that I hope it is pure fiction.

         What a wonderful story though! It's stories like this that make me believe in the love all over again. I could feel your pain, and love in every word on the page. I found Noni to be a bit precocious, but loving like the same as any one would her age. Your telling of this was very good, with only a few very minor things to look at. My comments are below.



Title:  Excellent for this story.



Description:  Very good, it's what pulled me in to read this.



Grammar:  There were a couple of minor things, and I think I saw at least one use of past/present tense in the story.




My Favorite Part:  Your obvious love for her throughout the story.





General Comments:  

1. She requested to come home and her team agreed if she had an RN came in twice a day. Came should be come. Alternatively, if you delete 'she had', came works fine.

2. Her handicaps began at birth then new ones presented themselves over the years. You need a comma after birth.

3. We completed each other's sentences, liked identical foods, mirrored taste in decorating and clothes, no need to speak just looks from the beginning. You should have a semi-colon after clothes, then a comma after speak.

4. They were afraid and it is true where people intermarry and have children, they have a higher risk of health issues. This is worded a little awkwardly. Perhaps this will work for you. They were afraid, and it is true when people intermarry and have children, there is a higher risk of health issues.



Overall impressions:  A beautiful story of a life fully lived, but all too short.


Sum1

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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Dear Yolande,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 1st WDC Anniversary!

         This is a very nice tribute to your father. Your love and respect for him is obvious in every word. While it gets a little repetitive, and rambles a little bit, I still found it beautiful. If I may make one suggestion, it would be to use the {indent} command for each line. This would indent each line the same amount, making this look a lot better on the page. As for the rambling bit, if you were write like thoughts together, keep all the 'You taught', and 'Thank you' together, if would help it a bit.



Sum1

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Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Dear Kim
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 9th WDC Anniversary!

         You didn't really think I'd let a day like this go by without dropping by to wish you a Happy WDC Anniversary, did you? *Smile* Your story is so poignant, bringing back memories of raising my children, and some of the wonderful things children can say or do. Sometimes, I wish children would never grow up, others, they can't seem to grow fast enough. With the use of few words, you bring back memories for any who read this. I loved the way he said your Tulip had popped, that made it all the more precious. Thank you for writing this, it was a joy reading it.




Sum1

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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Dear Iam
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 5th WDC Anniversary!

         Your story is a nice story about a love that seems to go wrong, but is right all along. You tell of Grazi and her love for Chris, the confusion she experiences when her best friend also falls in love with someone named Chris while both are far away. It flows well, I liked the change of font color to set moods and let the reader know it was reflection. However, there are several places in you story where you have a tendency to change tenses. Samples are provided in General Comments.

         The third paragraph is a bit of a jump from the first two, you may want to consider a small revision to provide a more smooth transition/segue. If I may offer a suggestion, you might want to mention Chris arriving first, then tell the reader why she didn't remember Chris well at first. But the puzzling thing to me in this story, is that Monique is marrying a man named Chris, and he has a twin brother also named Chris? It would seem that one of them would have a different first name, thus avoiding Grazi's confusion. Of course, her confusion is the crux of this story, so I'm not sure what you'd do to change this a little.


Title:  Very good for this story



Description:  Also very good, it helped draw me in to read it.




My Favorite Part:  The ending, I'm a sap for happy endings.





General Comments:  

1. Two months ago, she told Monique about a guy named Chris, that she has fallen in love with. This is one place where the tense issue appears. Has is present tense, but you're talking about Grazi telling Monique about him two months ago (past tense).

2. She finally moved on... or so she thinks. Same thing here with tense issues. Moved - past tense. Thinks, present tense

3. "Niq, why so soon? I mean, sure you love each other, but you've only known each other for more than three months. This line is worded poorly. Instead of wording it as 'more than three months', you might want to change it to read 'about three months', or 'for three months', taking the more than out of it.

4. His brother said they've been looking for a heart since three years ago when the heart ailment wasn't that severe yet and they still couldn't find a match. This line too is worded awkwardly. If I may offer a suggestion here. His brother said they've been looking for a heart for over three years, when the heart ailment wasn't that severe, but they still haven't found a match.

5. He was about to kiss you even before you could answer, then you suddenly punch the lights out of him." I'm assuming English isn't your native tongue, so small things like this aren't unusual, but you might want to reword this a little. A better ending to the sentence would be "punched his lights out."

6. "Really? I don't remember that but I bet it had been hilarious!" Instead of 'had been', you will want to say, 'was'.

7. She already knew that Chris is the groom but she had to pretend she doesn't. Believe it or not, in this sentence, 'was the groom' would be correct, not is.

8. I guess it can't be help then. I was even very excited in seeing the brother." Help should be helped. I think you should delete 'even', and change 'in' to about.




Overall impressions:  A nice love story that is perfect for the younger generation.


Sum1

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