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3,159 Public Reviews Given
3,207 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Casual for the most part. I will point out errors I see and offer suggested corrections. I like to focus on the content and formatting of the item. I love providing helpful comments and feedback that may improve the item if acted on.
I'm good at...
I like to provide suggestions to the author on things I see that may need a second look. I'm not afraid to do a little research to verify a poem's format, or the contents of a story (if requested).
Favorite Genres
Mystery, Horror, Sci-Fi, Comedy, and Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Honestly, I will read anything if asked. I just prefer those listed above.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novellas, books (though a review of that may take days/weeks due to my schedule), Poetry of any format.
Least Favorite Item Types
I find non-structured poetry difficult to review, unless there is a short disclaimer about this non-structure that would help in understanding the reason it's in that particular format.
I will not review...
I'm not interested in Vore, In and Out's, Growing/Shrinking, or other items that are similar to one of these.
Public Reviews
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601
601
Review of Burnt Rope  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Nemesis,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 8th WDC Anniversary!

         This is very good and quite humorous. I could see where it was going when you burned the rope, and laughed a little at your predicament. I've never done this type of work, and being the rookie I am, I'd probably have done the same thing you did, except I'd have tossed the rope in the bed of the pickup. There is one small area you may want to look at in this.

1. Now I’ll admit that my load wasn’t exactly perfect and surely there was no chance he could have seen my earlier illegal u-turn and even if he did, ‘one in custody?’ is this a police state? I'm no English major, everyone knows that. But it seems that the is in the part about police state should be capitalized. It looks like a new sentence. But I think you were also quoting from earlier, so that makes me unsure of the rule here. What I suggest is a slight re-wording to make this separate sentences, avoiding any confusion.



Sum1

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602
602
Review of The Metal Box  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Milhaud,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 5th WDC Anniversary!

         Wow, what a sad story you tell here! It's a wonder your mother managed to live as well as she did, feeling she was the one responsible for her son's death. You mention Port Orchard in your story, a town I'm a little familiar with. My in-laws lived there for about 15 years; it's an area I love to be honest. I was in Bremerton and Silverdale while stationed at Sub Base Bangor.

         You tell this story well, I am at a loss for suggestions to improve it. I do think your mother chose a strange place to 'hide' a very private box. I think it's great that everyone honored her request to keep that box private. Well done in telling this story.



Sum1

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603
603
Review of The End  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Mike,
         I thought I'd drop by to welcome you to Writing.com (or WDC as most of us call it), and return the favor of a review, since you were so kind to send me one recently.

         In reading this, I didn't get the impression of it being a satire. It is a good, free verse poem that runs well for the most part. One can read it as a serious endeavor, or take it tongue-in-cheek if they want. I chose the serious approach to it. I know you say you're not a poet, but at one time, I thought the same about myself. I just write, at least that's what I said at one time. Then I discovered the joys of rhyming (quite out of the blue really), and have never looked back. But I agree with your statement, sometimes things just come out of the blue, almost demanding to be written. I do have my thoughts on it of course, they are noted below. But keep in mind, I am not an English major by any means, so my comments are more based on what I've seen than anything else.


Title:  Excellent for this poem.




Description:  Very good overall




Rhyme/Rhythm:  Being free verse, there is no rhyme or rhythm scheme required.




General Comments:  

1. You mention poetry etiquette in your statement before the poem. I'm not sure there really is one to be honest. It seems to be more a personal preference than anything. If you're writing to fit a certain form, such as a Kyrielle, then it might help. But otherwise, do as you wish, at least in my book. (Oh wait, I'm not an English major, so what book would that be?) *Smile*

2. This flowed well for me, until you got close to 'the end'. Maybe that's where the satire came out, and I missed it initially. In these two lines though,

If we sit and we fear
And we scream and we jeer

you used we four times, and started the next line with we. Also, look at the number of times you used and. Even in satire, you might want to revisit this part. Now, if the whole piece was this way, the overuse of and we would give it an almost sing-son quality to it, and it could stand. But it's just here that you did this. Just a thought....

3. This starts very abruptly. But for some reason it fell through I think a little prelude to this would help it start out better, I had no idea what you intended at first. Then I got into the flow of the poem, and almost forgot to mention this. It almost seems like you left a line out when you copied this into the site.



Overall impressions:  An interesting free verse poem that can make you think. And that's what it is intended to do.


         Now with the review all done, I thought I'd say hi again, and tell you a little about WDC. It's a great place, you can meet a lot of people here, improve your craft (You should see some of my of my older stuff, and how rough it is). The contests, the groups, everything. May I recommend joining a group? It's a good way to become involved in our community while learning the ropes. Either way, I hope you learn to love this site as much as many of us have.


Sum1

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604
604
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Incurable Romantic
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 13th WDC Anniversary!

         Okay, you have me by at least 10 years when it comes to computers. I'm not a certified programmer, far from it. But I'm pretty savvy when it comes to using them, but I've never heard of CICS, nor WIZZ. No matter, I liked the flow of this, and love reading about the cave man days of computers. I can see that today's e-mail programs had nothing on the WIZZARD Mail, other than being a little more flexible, and can send more than just text. I can imagine how you felt though, when you heard 'Wizz' the first time. Probably about the same I felt when I heard the term WFF when still new at Motorola. Believe it or not, WFF stood for 'Warm Fuzzy Feeling'. *Smile* Thanks for an informative read!



Sum1

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605
605
Review of Moments of Gold  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Dear Jack,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 10th WDC Anniversary!

         It's always amazing what we can learn from very young children. They haven't been 'touched' by society yet, and haven't learned to be self centered. This is shown in your touching story of Kaleb and Arianna. You have a way with words in your stories that really make them easy, and enjoyable, to read. You say your ways have been touched by time. I would like to think that your ways (and the ways of people), have been touched by others. We've been hurt in one way or another, and as such don't trust much anymore. Babies haven't experienced that, so they are much more trusting and forgiving. Beautiful story, thank you for sharing.




Sum1

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606
606
Review of DREAMER!!  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Longshadow,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary!

         Your poem reminds me of one I wrote, about a surgeon at work. I liked how the dreamer was addressed at the start of each verse. It really helps to read this one aloud, each time putting the desired tone in your voice as the dreamer is addressed. I do think the very first line is a little off, and as a result, I looked hard to find a way to dislike this poem. But the more I read, the more I liked it. *Smile* The problem with the first line is that it doesn't really make sense. Are you a harm? I fail tyo see how someone can be 'a harm'. Harmed yes, a harm? No. I tried looking up rhymes for Charm or harm, but had little luck (Alarm?). You could change the first line to say, "Are you a sham?" (Second Line)Do you really give a damn?" That would require changing the rating to 13+ of course, but still, it might work for you....




Sum1

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607
607
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Ironworker,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 4th WDC Anniversary!

         I love the idea behind this story, I found it to be a bit original and interesting. It seems your writing is a little choppy though, perhaps due to your word count limit for the contest. However, since the contest is now over, it's time for you to go back and give this a nice look-over and correct this minor problem. I will provide a few examples in the General Comments section.



Title:  I didn't know what to make of this when I first saw it, but it did draw me in. well done there!



Description:  This could be improved a bit without giving too much away. You have 90 characters, use them to help draw in readers!



Grammar:  There are areas that seem to be missing obvious words, again, I'll show you in examples. I saw that there are numerous misuses of capital words, as well as comma placement and usage.




My Favorite Part:  Finding out what was really going on.





General Comments:  

1. Hi, I'm David and I'll just use Welton for this story. Your character is David Welton, so I'm at a loss as to why you worded it this way. I would think something like this would be a little better. Hi, I'm David Welton, but all call me Welton. This is the story of an unusual day in my life.

2. Mornings had always been bad for me, and this one was louse. Louse should be lousy.

3. My GOD, I thought, did I go to a party or clubbing. Even though he's thinking this, it needs to be annotated in some way to show that. Singular quotation marks would do, or Italics. GOD should be God. 'My God', I thought, 'did I go to a party or clubbing.' There are several other places like this in your story.

4. There on a clock saying it was 7 AM. This is an incomplete sentence.

5. I sat down to take a dump which was fine till the action itself felt a bit strange and even sounded funny. I started to check myself when, A voice called up the stairs, First, you need a period after stairs. A voice should be a voice, and you should delete the comma after when.

6. “Hey babe you better hurry the boat will be here soon.” You need a comma after babe.



         There are numerous other minor problems like this throughout the story. It really needs a good read by a professional editor to help it out. At the least, you should look this over closely and see what you can find, maybe based on my comments.




Overall impressions:  A good story that needs a bit of editing TLC.



Sum1

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608
608
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Sailor Bill
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 7th WDC Anniversary!

         I found your story to be very interesting. Being a retired Submariner (Nuclear Trained), I can relate well to stories about our military personnel. I was also an avid reader of WWII in high school, and wanted to be a SEAL when I joined the Navy. Life took me elsewhere, and it's all for the better.

         This is a lead-in to a much larger work, so we just start to know your characters in this story. The dialog between the characters was well written, you consistently used the lingo that sailors would use, though I don't recall reading any 4-letter words one associates with them. *Smile* Maybe those will pop up later on.

         in your story, you had a tendency to move between tenses. It seems the story is written in the past tense, yet there were several instances where you jumped to present tense as you wrote it. I will try to provide a few examples in general comments below.


Title:  Good for this story, but hard to tell if it will be appropriate for work once it is completed.



Description:  Very good, but it seems that escaped should be escapes.




General Comments:  

1. Some of your paragraphs are indented, some are not. Here's an example.

“Maggie is the Boss in?”
“Yes sir, Mr. Kirby. He was complaining about the heat, but seems to be in a good mood. I’ll tell him you are here.”

If you use the {indent} command in WritingML, it will indent the line for automatically.

         “Maggie is the Boss in?”

         “Yes sir, Mr. Kirby. He was complaining about the heat, but seems to be in a good mood. I’ll tell him you are here.”

For on line reading, it is considered to be more appropriate if you double space paragraphs. Each time a different character speaks, a new paragraph should be started, as I've shown above. It just makes a story a little easier to read on a computer screen.

2. Your Introduction seems a bit more detailed that necessary. You go into a lot of detail about a mission they are assigned, so it seems that would be better as a first chapter, with the section you label as 'The Story' being chapter two, a flashback of what led up to the Introduction.

3. He stopped , looked up at the blazing sun, and with a sweat rag, wiped the burning beads of moisture from his eyes. Geez it’s hot. Since Massoni is thinking 'Geez it's hot', you need to highlight this in some fashion. Perhaps in italics and single quotation marks as I've shown.

4. In June he deploys to Vietnam with his newly formed platoon of SEAL Team Two. Each weekend becomes more precious as the days keep rapidly moving toward deployment day, the 22nd. Running was a ritual that he took very seriously five, sometimes six days a week. He is concerned about his weight, and his 36th birthday last week didn’t make him feel any better. His previous years of tough assignments with the Underwater Demolition Teams, and later with the SEALs, are beginning to show on his ruddy face. This is one of the areas where you moved between present and past tense. The word 'deploys' is present tense. Until now, you've done a good job staying in the past tense, and that seems best for this story. Becomes is also present tense. yet 'was' is past tense. If I may offer a suggestion on wording....

         In June he will deploy to Vietnam with his newly formed platoon of SEAL Team Two. Running was a ritual that he took very seriously, spending two hours a day, five and sometimes six days a week to stay in shape. He was concerned about his weight, and his 36th birthday last week didn’t make him feel any better about his conditioning. His previous years of tough assignments with the Underwater Demolition Teams, and later with the SEALs, are beginning to show on his ruddy face.

         Notice that I removed the reference to the days moving towards deployment. The reason I did that, is that this is all about him running/conditioning, then returning to the office. The days moving rapidly would be more appropriate in a separate paragraph, where you describe his love for his family, and a natural desire to not leave them again. But I have no idea where you would put that in this part of the story.

5. His green shorts and T-shirt were soaked with sweat as he walked into the training Office. Massoni is the Assistant Training Officer for SEAL Team Two, and will be relieved in two weeks in order to spend full time with his platoon. 'Were' - past tense, 'is' - present tense, 'will' - present tense. Perhaps this would work for you.

His green shorts and T-shirt were soaked with sweat as he walked into the training Office. Massoni was the Assistant Training Officer for SEAL Team Two, and would be relieved in two weeks in order to spend full time with his platoon. There are more, but I have no desire to seemingly pick this apart.




Overall impressions:  A nice start to what seems to be a much longer story. You have captured my interest, making me want to read more.


Sum1

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609
609
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
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Dear Nixie,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 2nd WDC Anniversary!

         Shame on you! You've made a grown man cry, an old one at that, at 6am, before going to work. I just hope my students don't see 'red eyes' this morning as I teach. Okay, enough of being a little silly over a very moving story, but this was great! It reminded me a lot of a movie titled 'Creator', from the mid-80's. If you haven't seen it, watch it sometime, and you'll see the parallel I see. Amelia and the female character in that movie were much the same, that's the parallel. I was too entranced in reading to look for obvious errors, so let's just say I saw none. *Smile* You get *Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*, rare from me really, you moved me, you had me there in the story with them, I could see it all. Thank you for the inspirational read.



Sum1

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610
610
Review of Theft of Words  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


This is also a review for your Hydro Package!

*Fire* Congrats! You're receiving a gift from "Invalid Item"  ! The Hydro Package has been ordered for you from: Princess Zelda and includes the reviews of three non-fiction or essays! Enjoy! *Fire*

** Image ID #1729356 Unavailable **


Dear Nixie,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 2nd WDC Anniversary!

         Wow, I would be stuttering like crazy if I met someone as famous as Neil Armstrong. I'm not easily intimidated anymore by most people, but there are some you just have to put on a pedestal. I loved the idea behind this story, I thought you did well with the dialog and plot to make it convincing. You had me there with Melanie, watching as she talked with Neil. I could see the coffee shop around us, and loved being that fly on the wall that witnessed history being made. However, there are a few things you will want to look at in this so it can receive excellent reviews in the future. By the way, you need to either change the rating on this to 13+, or remove your usage of 'Damn' in the story. I think you used it 3-4 times.


Title:  A little off for me, but it does work.



Description:  Excellent for this story.




My Favorite Part:  Her receiving the note from Mr. Armstrong after the mission was completed.





General Comments:  

1. Angered because I wasn't a regular customer, and worse, I didn't belong in this restaurant nearby Kennedy Space Center. Nearby should be near. As written the sentence doesn't read well.

2. Now he's confused and fathomed I'm dumbstruck. I'm not sure what you mean by this sentence. Did he fathom that she was dumbstruck? If so, you might want to say it a little better.

3. I have no classes for today—I'm an English Professor—and I've always wanted to come here, but never have the time. It seems that 'never have the time' should be 'never had the time'.

4. I paid my bill, went out to my car, and picked up the still blank paper. Did she pay her bill, pick up the paper and go to her car? Or did she pay her bill, went to the car, and then picked up the still crumpled paper? See what I'm saying?

5. I found the pen he gave me in the bottom of my purse. When did he give her the pen? I can't recall reading that part in your story....




Overall impressions:  A very interesting story of a chance meeting between a young English Professor, and a man who is already somewhat famous, but will become even more famous in the next few days.


Sum1

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611
611
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Dear Jay,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 12th WDC Anniversary!

         I have to say I don't remember going through this myself, but then I'm pretty ancient, and can't recall those years. I do remember my youngest daughter telling us she wasn't going to grow any older than five, that way she'd always be home with Mommy. This story reminded me of that, it's funny how children adapt so easily. I think that's one thing we forget as we age, how to adapt. I loved the flow here, very natural, very true. You brought back a lot of different memories here, thank you! *Smile*




Sum1

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612
Review of THE MIGHTY OAK  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Dear Gene,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 5th WDC Anniversary!

         I love poems about veterans, even more I love one more when nature is combined in the poem or story. I had the privilege of visiting a huge oak tree in Georgia, the oldest tree east of the Mississippi. I was in awe standing in its shade, its limbs spread wider than the wingspan of a 747's! I love the simile here of you as you're aging, and the oak, no long a young tree, knowing it too must soon perish. The only suggestion I'd have for you is to center this (and the title) on the page. I think it's more appealing to the eye when presented like that.




Sum1

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613
613
Review of A Stranger's Gift  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
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Dear Phydeaux,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 7th WDC Anniversary!

         You tell your story very well in a poetry format. Your last verse caught me off guard, but made the overall story that much stronger. I love emotional poems and stories, this one is very good. I did not imagine this written by a ten year old, I was thinking of you as an adult, and that it was a true story. You hid her 'true age' well; as I said, that twist at the end was good. I do have two minor comments for you about it.

1. Center the poem on the page. It will appeal more to the eyes as someone reads it.

2. No pretty paper, nor ribbons, nor bows, It seems the second nor would be better as or, and the comma before it removed. No pretty paper, nor ribbons or bows,

         Very nicely done! Thank you for an enjoyable read.






Sum1

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614
614
Review of Inside of Me.  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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Dear comfortablyMad,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary!

         Your poem is very beautiful, you express your love for your man well. I think the third verse worked best for me, it tied things together well. You do a good job in rhyming, though a couple are a bit of a reach. The same can be said for the rhythm, it moves from a low of 9 syllables in one line to a high of 15 in another. This tends to break up the read, throwing the reader off a bit. I do have a couple of comments for you on it.

1. Three of your lines start with the word Open. In a poem of only three verses, it really stands out. This is compounded by having two lines start with Open my, and the third starts with Open me. You can see how this affects the read. Additionally, the second verse uses the word 'open' three times alone.

2. As I mentioned, the rhythm varies a bit. I'm not one who believes that every line should have the same number of syllables, but it does need to be close. Here is a syllable count line by line for each verse.

13/15/10/12
11/13/14/13
9/12/10/13


I think you can see the variance in the rhythm, and how it would affect the flow while reading the poem.


         I think it's a good poem, a little editing TLC will help it achieve better scores in the future. *Smile*




Sum1

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615
615
Review of Bad Day at Work  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Dear Jellyfish,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 1st WDC Anniversary!

         I love playing with emoticons while writing. It's fun, makes the mind work a bit, and generally pleasant to both see and read. I love some of the images you paint in this poem, I too am fond of south sea islands and would live there if I could. You lost me with the 'dog and duck' line, but I'm assuming it's a Pub you frequent. The only comment I'd leave you, is to center this on the page. I think it would look a lot better that way.



Sum1

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616
616
Review of One Last Time  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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*Cake**Cake2* WOULD LIKE TO WISH *Cake**Cake2*
*Cake**Cake2* STORY MISTRESS *Cake**Cake2*
*Cake**Cake2* A HAPPY BIRTHDAY *Cake**Cake2*


Dear Katrina,
         I thought I'd stop by to celebrate The StoryMistress birthday one day early, and send you a review of this cute poem! You painted a picture in my mind of a mischievous little boy who does not want to go to bed. I loved the flow of this, your rhymes were natural, and the extra spacing between verses served to reinforce each one. The end with the "Mom I Love You" was precious, loved it! *Smile*



Sum1

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617
617
Review of 1951  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Hippo
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary!

         Wow! I am so sorry for what you went through, I'm at a loss for words. You tell such a sad story here, but one that happens far too often. I have to admit that I forgot to read it as a critic, your words held me in a grip I couldn't escape. I am glad you have survived and done well, or as well as can be expected. I wish I could give you some great feedback and such, but I've never experienced anything close to this, and don't really know what to say. Well done, excellent writing, rhythm, and rhyme.



Sum1

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618
618
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
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Dear tHiNg
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 12th WDC Anniversary!

         As I read this, I sit here watching a special on the History Channel about the events, I mean attack, of 9/11. This is stunning in some ways, especially since you wrote it from the perspective of someone who perished that fateful day. I cannot imagine being anywhere near the Twin Towers on 9/11, I've visited the site on several occasions; each time I'm left with a feeling of sadness. This left me feeling much the same way. All I can think, is 'What a waste of life.' I ask myself why, and realize it's due to a deep rooted hatred. It's something I've never experienced, and hope I never do. Thank you for the reminder of this day, everyone needs to be reminded, so we never forget.



Sum1

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619
619
Review of A Woman Scorned  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Carlos,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 5th WDC Anniversary!

         I love a good ghost story, this one did not let me down. You described Jason well, his age and how arthritis had taken hold of him. I loved the idea of Lily being a cat, even more I loved when she changed into human form. I could never do what Jason did, but I can understand how they could make a pact. The fact that Jason never kept his part of it is also understandable, and set the story up well. I do have a couple of comments on it for you.



Title:  Very good for this story.



Description:  Excellent, it's what caused me to read this.



General Comments:  

1. The moon was bright and full and shone its light through the pale clouds. Since you are using 'and' twice in close succession, it would read a little better if you added a comma after full. That would give a natural break to the line, helping the flow of it.

2. She could no longer remember why she waited for him, yet, she always expected him to show up anyway. You don't need the comma after 'yet'.




Overall impressions:  A good story of love, revenge, and death. It's a keeper for me, once I'll remember for a long time.


Sum1

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620
620
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Drache,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 13th WDC Anniversary!

         You tell quite the story here, writing in a way I'm not accustomed to reading. What I mean is, you write as a truthsayer of old, telling a tale as they walk the town, or stand in the town square and tell their tale. I found it to be a bit wordy in places, but good just the same (Wordy because again, I haven't read much written in this style). I did see a couple of things you might want to look at in this.


Title:  You use a pretty abstract title here. It seems a better title would mention the drake, black night, and fairy prince/princess.



Description:  Use this to draw in readers. I'm betting you are 'far gone' from Mrs. Hook's English class, so describe this to us a little to draw in other readers.




General Comments:  

1. While the two stood, waiting for the obvious, a Prince searched his palace for his missing Princess. You don't need the coma after stood.

2. The fight went on, simply ignoring the pressence of the Unicorn and Prince. Pressence is spelled presence. It seems that fight should be fighters.

3. Mondschein, being a Unicorn, and made good time across the field, and thrust her golden horn into the drake's scaly hide. You can delete the word 'and' before made, it's not necessary, and makes this line read a bit off.

4. The Prince slid from her side, and knelt at the side of the dieing Knight. Dieing should be dying.




Overall impressions:  A good story of a mighty battle between a drake and a black knight, and a fairie Prince looking for his princess.


Sum1

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621
621
Review of Sum1 Special  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear WalkinBird,
         Wow, how cool! I've never written a Pantoum, but now may have to give it a try. I think this is a bit abstract for me, but that's how I am about poetry. Thank you for this poem, it does describe how my day's been in a small way. Great job!



Sum1

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622
622
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Winnie Kay,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 4th WDC Anniversary!

         You know, I'm always a sucker for stories like this, and I love it. I'm always touched by simple things or acts, and Buster's act here is one of those. You did well in describing how he woke Becky and saved the family, and I loved how you portrayed both Buster and Paddy, at least from his point of view. I couldn't help but smile at his disdain for the feline. *Smile* In some ways, I wanted to hear Paddy's defense of it all, see what a cat might have said. But it was told from Buster's point of view, so that would have been difficult it seems. Still, I have to wonder....



Sum1

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623
623
Review of Wedding Proposal  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Dear Anastasia,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 5th WDC Anniversary!

         Over the years, I've come to really dislike people like your main character, Erica. You managed to make me loathe her in these 300 words! She seems to be someone who really thinks the world revolves around her, that no one else should be thought about. I loved the ending, even if I could see it coming. You hid it nicely, but I could just tell that Stanford knew something she didn't. For flash fiction, this is well done! Glad you earned Honorable Mention with it. *Smile*




Sum1

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624
624
Review of Myths and Legends  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Dear Dragonline,
         I saw a review of this on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 9th WDC Anniversary!

         Very impressive! You tell a short story, each line starting with a different letter of the alphabet. Other than the first and last line, each line contained the name of a dragon. I know how hard that can be, yet you managed to tell a short story that makes sense, and keeps the reader interested. I did the same with a poem, except every word in each line would start with the necessary letter of the alphabet. Kudos to you for this though, I loved it! But you couldn't find a dragon name that started with 'a', or 'z'? I had to Google things just to find out, and was surprised at all the names! Abrasax sounds very interesting, but I know fitting the name into your story is easier said than done, and maybe you wanted an opening and closing line, which is fine too. I also found 'Zu, a famous dragon from Sumerian mythology. But again, fit those in your story. *Smile* Thanks for the informative read, I really enjoyed the story.



Sum1

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625
625
Review of our miracle  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Rhyssa,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 12th WDC Anniversary!

         This is such a heart breaking story. I felt the pain with every word I read, and even though I wanted Caleb to survive, I sensed that wouldn't be the case. You wrote this well, despite it being such a short time all this happened. It flowed well, the dialog was very realistic, you brought their emotions to life in a pretty short story. You made me feel, and I loved that. I did see a couple of things you may want to look at in this.


1. We headed home—where I watched my niece and nephew and Mom and Dad disappeared into the timeless eternity of the hospital. You use the word 'and' quite a bit in this sentence. You might want to look at changing one, or more. Here's a small suggestion. We headed home, where I watched my niece and nephew while Mom and Dad disappeared into the timeless eternity of the hospital.

2. But life without ever him leaves a gaping hole that we never knew needed filling before our short time with him. I'm not sure what you meant here with the word ever, it looks like it should be deleted.



         As sad as it is, this is a beautiful, heart-warming story. It brings home family values, family love, and reminds me of what life is really all about.



Sum1

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