*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/jim-d/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/24
Review Requests: ON
3,159 Public Reviews Given
3,207 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Casual for the most part. I will point out errors I see and offer suggested corrections. I like to focus on the content and formatting of the item. I love providing helpful comments and feedback that may improve the item if acted on.
I'm good at...
I like to provide suggestions to the author on things I see that may need a second look. I'm not afraid to do a little research to verify a poem's format, or the contents of a story (if requested).
Favorite Genres
Mystery, Horror, Sci-Fi, Comedy, and Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Honestly, I will read anything if asked. I just prefer those listed above.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novellas, books (though a review of that may take days/weeks due to my schedule), Poetry of any format.
Least Favorite Item Types
I find non-structured poetry difficult to review, unless there is a short disclaimer about this non-structure that would help in understanding the reason it's in that particular format.
I will not review...
I'm not interested in Vore, In and Out's, Growing/Shrinking, or other items that are similar to one of these.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 20 21 22 23 -24- 25 26 27 28 29 ... Next
576
576
Review of Z's  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Dear Rebel G.,
         Thank you for requesting a review of this from me, I will do my best to provide you valuable feedback on it. I have to say that as I read it, I got the impression I was reading your story, not his/her journal. It wasn't until your final paragraph that I felt it was a journal. And that's how I would have started this out, and written in that frame of mine. Here's an example.

         It's been two months since this all started, and by the end of this month, the world I knew is in ruins, and humanity is very close to extinction. Yes, I've been here since the start of it all, I've seen friends and family succumb to the illness/Pandemic, and yes, I've had to survive, but dang (substitute a suitable word here if you wish, but make sure you rate the story appropriately) if I know how I've done it. Either way, I figured someone needed to write down what has been going on; since I don't know of anyone else doing it, I thought I'd start.

         They say it all started with a flu bug. This years strain was very contagious, extremely dangerous and deadly. It spread so fast that before anyone could respond to it, hospitals were overflowing with sick people. Being as deadly as it was, people died right and left, and soon morgues were overflowing with bodies. The dead couldn't be buried fast enough; the stench of death floated on the air every where you turned. The real problem started when decaying bodies became animated and started prowling the streets. With humanity's resources stretched so thinly trying to help those who were ill, it wasn't long before the Z's outnumbered the living. A lot of us survivors have taken to calling them Z's, not Zombies. It just seems to help us cope, but hell, are we really coping?


         See how the approach has changed? There's a lot of I in this part, leaving no doubt that the person writing this is experiencing it. Later on when you move to third person, you can detail things that are going on. Be careful if you move back and forth between first and third person, it can be hard to keep the POV straight. You have a well used, but always interesting start here, I wish you luck with it. *Smile*



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
577
577
Review of Still Here  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Robin,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 9th WDC Anniversary!

         The shock of seeing the home you've known all your life destroyed is one that hits even the hardiest of men (or women). I've seen the result of a tornado, not a very powerful one to be honest; but all the same, natures fury is awe inspiring. I loved how you showed their shock. Your mother repeating the same words over and over. Your father unable to really come to terms with it all. That one lone sheet of paper floating on the wind, coming down just like it belonged there in the first place. Then, like a Phoenix rising out of the ashes, the paper pulls you all together, I could envision rebuilding already occurring. The sheet pulled your minds out of the pit they had fallen in to, and allowed you to rise proudly. Very nice touch, I loved it!



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
578
578
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Blue Witch,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 8th WDC Anniversary!

         Wow, you have quite a bit here! I finished reading this, and felt like I know you already. *Smile* We have some common interests (cooking, reading, sports in general, (though our tastes in car racing are different), and travel). I've never been to Portland Maine or Burlington Vermont, but I've been to numerous other places. Have you ever considered a travel blog? I have one going here on WDC, and love noting where I've been. If I were to make any recommendations here on this, it would be to keep the titles of each section centered, but left justify the content of each section. Picky aren't I? *Smile* Nice to get to know you!



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
579
579
Review of Earl  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Hatsuda,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 4th WDC Anniversary!

         There is no way I'm going to review this properly, I lost myself in the story, and failed to look for errors. Okay, I noticed a few, but I'd not change a thing here. I love stories about our veterans, this one is extra special. Doc, You, and Earl are heroes in my book, people I look up to, people who deserve recognition from the media. Well done in writing this, but I will confess that I'm the one who changed the rating of it to 18+. You used an F bomb a couple of times in it, any use of that word automatically gets an 18+ rating. Forgive me please for that, I love your story, and most anything you write, but as you might guess, being retired military myself, I'm a stickler for rules. Thank you for the honor of reading this.



Jim Dorrell, EMC(SS) Retired

See, you 'made' me use a title I haven't used in over 20 years. *Smile*

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use
580
580
Review of The Carousel Ride  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Mumsy,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 7th WDC Anniversary!

         Your story describes Anna's love of a carousel, and at the end explains why she has to visit one at night, when it's quiet. Your provided some nice imagery in this as you described how she moved among the various creatures that make up the ride. You wrote this for the Writer's Cramp, which means you could have used 1000 words for the story, yet it's only 287 words in length. You could have described it a lot more if you chose, making it a much stronger story. *Smile* Here's a couple of examples for you.

1. Just the bittersweet memory of another carousel in another place, at another time. Her grandfather, oiling the gears to keep the machine running smoothly. The scents of popcorn and cotton candy, mingling with the salty tang of the ocean on the other side of the boardwalk. I bet her Grandfather did more than oil the gears to keep it running. How about her as a young girl helping him polish the animals of the ride? Maybe she spent more time on a tiger than any other, perhaps because of it's brilliant coat, or the way it seemed to be leaping as it rose during the ride? Maybe as she grew a little older, she helped him load the ride with children anxious to enjoy their turn in a fantasy world.

2. Later, you write that those days were gone, her grandfather was gone. Again, you could elaborate here a little, maybe explain why she can only tolerate the carousel at night when all is quiet.

         Overall, a good story, but you have the chance to edit it, strengthen it and bring the emotion home more to future readers, if you choose. *Smile*




Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
581
581
Review of Fly to Lucas  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Swede,
         As I thought, your article wasn't hard to find, it was in your port, the only item in there so far. When you joined WDC, you were given a suitcase, and since you have posted an article, story, or poem here, it's in that suitcase. *Smile*

         I liked your article on Lucas, Kansas. The town sounds like a delight to visit, I hope I get a trip near there soon. In the first paragraph, you describe how to get there on a plane, as well as driving. I think it would be a bit better, and more consistent if you gave a little more direction on the highway routes. Perhaps something like mile marker numbers, etc, what to look for when exiting, etc. From your descriptions, I'd guess you're a flier, perhaps having your own plane. The wording you used to describe how to chock your wheels and such is what I base that one, few know those words if they are not used to flying terms. I do have one small comment for you on this, but I think you may have meant this tongue-in-cheek, so it's intentional. In the last line, you wrote, The food and the folks are warm and the attractions are just plane strange. As worded, it is incorrect, plane should be plain. But since you seem to fly, maybe it was intentional. *Smile*



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
582
582
Review of Fear  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Wenston,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 13th WDC Anniversary!

         Forget what think about not writing poetry, I really liked this! You have a bit of a loop poem going in the middle of each verse, starting the next line with the last word of the previous one, and I loved it. It does have that Poe feeling to it, an almost ominous tone as one reads it. I could feel the cold and dark surrounding me as I read it, you really put me in the mood! I did see a couple of things you might want to consider in a possible edit.

1. a hellish nightmare to where I've been. It might be me, but it seems that to could easily be of, and read a little differently. a hellish nightmare of where I've been.

2. Once in a while I stumbled in reading aloud, and it's the rhythm. It's a little off in a couple of places, read it aloud and see what you think.

         An excellent poem that can bring a chill to you. Well worthy of the description saying it's a Poe style poem.



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
583
583
Review of Whisper  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Simona,
         Wow, you say so much in this beautifl poem! It flows well, the images you bring to mind, the love the woman felt for her family was evident in every line. I loved the ending, it's appropriate, it fits well with the image you painted of the woman. I will say that this looks more like prose than poetry, mainly because of the formatting on the page. If I may show you a small suggestion on the, without changing any words.

Like a serpent, it sneaks through the grass
and whispers in her ear…then, she feels cold…
her brittle bones creak as she walks in fear,
but her heart pounds strong, She will not disappear,
or will she wallow in sorrow as time grows near.


         Notice it's now centered on the page, and the lines are broken to give it a more 'poetic' look. You could (if you chose), eliminate a few words and not change the meaning; sometimes in poetry, less is more. *Smile* Whatever you though, keep working at your craft, you have a nice talent here. If I may put in a plug, I have a poem in my folder also titled 'Whisper', but it's entirely different from this one.
Whisper  (E)
A poem of Faith, Love, and Hope, that fades to a memory
#1692869 by Sum1 In Halifax


         Enjoy your time here on WDC. I hope you find it to be a second home, like I have....




Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
584
584
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Jeff,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary!

         There is no way I couldn't review this, and I'm surprised I haven't done so yet. This video brought home a sense of family and love that I haven't felt in quite some time. I still watch it in awe, and often wonder who everyone is. I recognize two or three, more because of how they present themselves than anything, but I would love to see a list of who's who, and in what order in the video.

         I can't imagine the time it took to put this together, nor the resources you had to use. This gift to the SM's is more than words can convey, at least for me. When I first saw it, I was speechless; all I could do is sit there and stare, wiping my eyes once in a while. I've grown to love "Safe And Sound" since first seeing the video on the StoryMistress's newsfeed, so using this song brought it all home even more. Thank you for this, and all you do here on WDC. I truly hope your inbox is inundated with reviews from people sending Anniversary Reviews this month.



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use
585
585
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Arakun,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 7th WDC Anniversary!

         Well, now you've gone and done it. I may just have to come back and read the rest of this diary! Excellent story, had me hooked early on with the creepiness of it.

         You described the atmosphere around the house well, and the storm only reinforced your descriptions. It's these kind of ghost stories that can raise the hair on the back of my neck. It didn't quite happen in this first chapter, but I know it would if I read the rest. *Smile* I liked the way you had the girl appear at the top of the stairs, then again right in front of Melissa. Overall, the story has a nice quality of creepiness to it. I did see one thing you might want to look at in this.


1. As she was on her way, a thunderstorm had arisen out of nowhere. This seems to be worded a little awkwardly. Perhaps something like this would help. While on her way, this thunderstorm had risen out of nowhere.


Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
586
586
Review of TALL TALE  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Geoffrey,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 7th WDC Anniversary!

         I swear, only a fisherman, or a man of the sea, could tell a tale like that! *Smile* You wrote in a tone that was as if we were sitting next to each other in a bar. In telling the story, you'd lean over so only you and I could hear what was going on. Me, a middle aged man from the city. I've been on ships (okay, Submarines), but I'm not a man of the sea. You, a grizzled old man, 3-4 days growth of beard, caps tipped on the back of your head. See what images your story created? I did find myself wondering what kind of deep sea monster you saw. Was it 'The Kraken'? Nicely done, well told!



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use
587
587
Review of June 14--Gun  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Nikola,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 10th WDC Anniversary!

         First and foremost, GO SEAHAWKS! Been a fan since they joined the league, not about to quit now. *Smile* You cheer the Broncos, I'll cheer the Seahawks.

         Man, you had me with this one. I wondered how she killed him, or how it all came about. you brought it to a shattering conclusion rapidly, and I loved it. I've never been in a situation even close to that, so I'm not sure how I'd handle it. Then again, I'm a male, so it would be a totally different perspective. Still, you wrote this so it was all real to me. I've re-read it, and still love it. Happy Anniversary!



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
588
588
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Nicole,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 13th WDC Anniversary!

         As you stated in your post script, this letter could be used by anyone who had fallen in love, and lost. We've all been there, felt that ache that never seems to go away. I love how you describe your feelings the moment he said, "Hello." That movie quote fits here quite well I'd think. *Smile* You say a lot here that all of us would like to say to a former love. Words unsaid, that need to be said. Well done! I did see a couple of things you might want to look at in this though.

1. And when you said hello I knew there was no hope for it, I would've gotten away with my heart in tact if you wouldn't have said that one word. In tact should be one word, intact.

2. When I accepted that I fell for you, hard. As written, this doesn't make sense. But I think you meant to place the comma after that, instead of after you. Then it would make sense paired with the previous sentence.

3. Like I should've a long time ago. While there's nothing wrong with the way this is written, it would look and read a lot better if it was should have, instead of the contraction.


Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
589
589
Review of Math  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Just Me,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 8th WDC Anniversary!

         Your poem is very cute, and one of the most original one's I've read recently. I checked your math, just to be sure. *Smile* I do think it would be nice if you could use other words than just plus, minus for the majority of your lines. Something like, "adding 30 deep breaths", or after you say plus once, then say, "and 5 notes to a song, along with 58 minutes of cutting class". This way, you aren't reading the same word over and over.



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
590
590
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Masked_Writer,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 13th WDC Anniversary!

         You have a good idea for a story here, you have started it off nicely. However, it needs a bit of work to make it complete. Every story has a beginning, a middle (plot), and an end. But yours has a beginning, and that's about it. It seems like you got as far as getting Shanti to the 'new Earth', but then dropped it. I think you have a great beginning here, the idea is sound (been written before I know, but still, it can always be written again, perhaps with a new twist). But Shanti gets to the new planet, and that's where it stops! In reality, your story is just beginning, so finish it for me so I can come back and read it! *Smile* When you do edit it, you will want to carefully check it. Here's a small sample of what it looks like when reading it.

1. Shanti watched Tracy stand on a green circle and a chair came out of the floor and she sat down. She waved to Shanti as she took out her



personal V-Pad and started poking madly at it. Spacing like this occurs throughout the story, making it very hard to read and stay engrossed. In one as short as this is, it makes it doubly hard to get into it. Also, when writing Sci-Fi, be careful using names for things that sound like something in today's world. An example is the V-Pad; it sounds an awful lot like an I-Pad. I don't think they would have something so close to an I-Pad this far in the future.

         Like I said, this does need some editing, a thorough going over to check format, as well as a middle (plot), and an end. Example: We know why Shanti went to the new Earth, but what happened once she got there? Did she find it to be the Utopia she thought it would be, or did she find something going on that a reader wouldn't necessarily think of. Add a twist, give it some depth, and see what happens. *Smile*




Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
591
591
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear MyLynDoll,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 10th WDC Anniversary!

         You know, this is a pretty adaptation of the Three Little Pigs. I love the characters you created in the three pigs, each was very unique. You managed to keep 'fairy tale' type of approach to it throughout that made it work well for me. The end seemed a little abrupt, but then that's how fairy tales are, aren't they... Still, it seemed like the ending didn't quite fit with everything else. I do have a few very minor comments on this for you.



1. You see, Sully was quite the taxidermist and he couldn't very well hang up his collection in the pig sty, but in his own home, it would be very different.
So he took his mother's advice and purchased a home made of wood. For some reason there's a hard return in this line, and it seems to belong with the previous paragraph.

2. No, she was more concerned about friendship and she had many woodland friends, some of which were female wolves.
She wanted to have them over sometimes, but knew that they wouldn't be welcome in her Mother's home, oh, but I am getting ahead of myself in the story. Another misplaced hard return it seems.

3. I don't understand why there's a rose graphic in the middle of the story. It seems out of place.



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
592
592
Review of Not His Name  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Leger,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 10th WDC Anniversary! There is no way I could let this occasion pass without visiting your port.

         For someone who says she writes terrible poetry, you do a decent job at free verse. *Smile*

         This is a nice poem about what seems to be a one night stand. Possibly even less than that, since you never learned his name. I love the flow of it, plus the formatting makes it look a bit like a tornado, as if something started big between the two of you, then dwindled away over time. A very short time at that. If I may make one suggestion, it would be to delete the words 'and so' at the start of the last line, they are unnecessary. Sometimes in Poetry, less is better. *Smile*



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
593
593
Review of Trayvon Martin  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Kiya
         Happy 8th Anniversary again! I thought I'd drop by and see what else I could find to review, and this one popped up on my screen.

         Your poem speaks volumes about this controversial case. I think this case has caused many people to reassess their thoughts on the state of our country, and some of the people in it. I look around at people all the time, especially in my travels, and wonder what their lives are like.

         My only comment on this, and it's a personal thing here, is stopping a line with one word, only to complete the thought on the next line. I'm not a trained writer, that may explain it, I call it just 'being me'. Other than that, this is well written, and fits the fibonacci sequence perfectly.



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
594
594
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Kate,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 8th WDC Anniversary!

         Powerfully written. You grabbed me at 'Hello', and kept me enthralled the throughout the read. I was no where near NY on 9/11, but I do remember that day vividly. I was in the NYC area on business a couple of years later, and on other occasions, and try to stop by the site each time to pay my respects. My first time there was about October 2003. A cold, wet night; I couldn't see much, but it was still a sobering sight. I hope we remain ever vigilant against things like this, but as you point out at the end, 10 years to the day, and something like that happened again. We don't learn from history, do we? Thank you for an enlightening read.



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
595
595
Review of At What Price?  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear BScholl,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 4th WDC Anniversary!

         Your story is very interesting, I loved the idea of a house being built around the fountain of youth. Your description of the house in the first two paragraphs really helped set the scene for the age of it, especially the line, Many of the boards had severe water damage, and had slid down revealing the original logs. I did see a couple of things you might want to consider in this, hopefully my suggestions will keep this at 300 words or less.

1. Overgrown shrubs encroached upon it. He had to turn sideways to get through. These two lines seem disjointed, making this portion of bit rough to read. If I may offer a suggestion. Overgrown shrubs encroached upon it, forcing him to turn sideways to get through.

2. The initial dialog between Jed and Aiden is a bit abrupt and forced. I know you were under a word limit, which is probably the reason for it. But it seems like Jed would introduce himself a little more in his initial greeting. Of course, that would add to the word count, so I'm at a loss on how to do this. If this was for a contest with a strict word limit, and the contest is now over, you might consider revising your dialog a little.

3. “I’ll hook up outside and bring in the modem in a few minutes. As you can see, you are missing closing quotations marks here.




Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
596
596
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Winklett,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary!

         Okay, I'll confess. I saw the Crouching Spider story, and had to read it again first. I got just as much, if not more, amusement from reading it as I did last year. *Smile* This story is cute also, but I do have a question for you about it. Aren't you worried that there might be spiders hiding in the dark corners of your house??? I love the allusion to that at the end, when you said, "Don't turn on the light." Or was that a reference to not turning it on in fear of seeing spiders? *Smile* Overall though, an enjoyable read, one that made me smile again.



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
597
597
Review of CASCADE  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Dave,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 8th WDC Anniversary!

         I've never written a Cascade poem, had never heard of them until I read this one. I love the form, the repeated lines of it. You did very well in making this read coherently while adhering to the required form. I love the story you tell here, it's so true! Now, I know it's not a requirement of the form, but I'd love to see the lines a little more consistent length/syllable wise. Rhyming is not required, but would be good also. Just a personal opinion/thought.



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
598
598
Review of my bad luck  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear GreenEYELover,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 5th WDC Anniversary!

         What I like in your poem is the message you tell. You scream your love for this woman throughout the piece, telling the reader how much she means to you. However, there are numerous typo's and misuse of English that detracts a bit from the read. Also, I'm not one who believes that a rhyming poem has to have perfect rhymes, some of your close rhymes are a bit off for me. My specific comments are below.



Title:  There is no title in the body of the poem. I know you have it at the top of the poem in your port, but it seems you titled it there only because it has to have one to be posted in your port. I think the title belongs in the body of the poem, centered on the page.




Description:  I think your description needs a lot of work. Tell the reader why they should drop in and read this!




Rhyme/Rhythm:  Specific rhymes that didn't make it for me were, yours/friends, unconditional/girl, O.D./freak, again/friend. Read this aloud and see what you think.




General Comments:  

1. Unless it's a specific type of formatted poem, I believe poetry presents itself best when centered on the page. Personal opinion.

2. The use of a few comma's and periods in your lines would really help this read better. I'm not one who believes you have to have specific punctuation for each line, but a comma at the end of a line does help in those places that require or need a pause.

3. Not only does a singular i require capitalization, any compound word (I'll, which is I will) must be capitalized. There are several places in your poem that this occurs.

4. broke some hearts now i'm paying the cost This line is a good example where a comma would help it read a bit better. broke some hearts, now i'm paying the cost

5. I just give my love all my love unconditional Be careful using the same word(s) twice in succession in a line. I know what you're saying here, but you might want to consider re-wording this line, and other lines like it.






Overall impressions:  A nice love poem for the one they love. A little editing TLC will allow it to be stronger, and receive better grades from future reviewers.


Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
599
599
Review of Frozen  
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
April,
         I accepted your review request, but not for the GP's, so I'm returning them to you. I accepted your request because to me, it's always an honor when someone asks you to review their work.

         I'm not into Haiku's a lot, I've not written one since the cave man days of school for me (1960's most likely). I know what they are supposed to be, their rhythm scheme, and the subject matter. So I have to say that yours fits the form of a Haiku. But I think it could be a little better. I think it's the wording of the second line. The idea you are portraying here is great, but it seems it could be worded slightly differently. If I may, here's an idea for you.

Frozen blades of grass—
Winter sun sneaks out from clouds
Shines on frozen turf


         I don't know really, I'm not sure this is any better. I just wonder how a sun can be 'promising'. I know what you're saying there, but it just throws me off some. Don't get me wrong, your Haiku is fine as written. You asked for a review; I'm just trying to make a small suggestion. I hope I've helped you with this. Thank you again for requesting my review.




Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
600
600
Review by Sum1 In Halifax
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Dear Fishtail
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 8th WDC Anniversary!

         I liked your approach to this story. A bit of comedy, a bit of suspense. The twist was good, but I would think that if someone was doing what she was doing (I don't want to give away the twist), they realize what the noise was. However, I've been in a house while a blizzard raged outside, so I know how every little sound can grab you. I do have a little feedback for you about this.


Title:  Very good for this story



Description:  Very good also



General Comments:  

1. You jump right into this with the character hearing a noise in the night. But if I hadn't read the intro, or the title, I wouldn't know it was night time. Maybe you could preface things a little by explaining where your character is when she hears the sound. Something along the lines of, "It was late in the evening when I first heard it. My heart jumped and my body felt a twinge of terror at what I heard in the kitchen. My first thought was that someone was trying to break in, and I had no idea what I was going to do."

2. I remembered that earlier I set it by my computer desk in my bedroom. Since she's remembering to an earlier time, the use of 'earlier' is redundant.

3. I stood in one spot, stiffened for more than two minutes, while I tried not to assume the worst. This seems to be worded a little awkwardly. Perhaps this would work for you. I stood in one spot stiff as a board for more than two minutes, trying not to assume the worst.

4. Perhaps it was not my first thought-someone breaking in to steal from me, or rape me, or kill me. Instead of using the dash to break the sentence, try using a semi-colon. I don't think you need the or in front of rape either.

5. I was either going to first dash to my bedroom, and quick grab my phone, or or I would somehow figure out what that rustling noise was, and where it was coming from. You don't need to say 'first dash', or 'quick grab my phone'. Your character is a bit panicked, so dashing to her room and grabbing her phone as fast as she can is obvious. Also, you use the word or twice in a row here. Perhaps a minor editing along these lines. I was either going to dash to my bedroom and grab my phone, or I would figure out what that rustling noise was, and where it was coming from.



Overall impressions:  A nice story, a good one to tell around a campfire, with a little added looks and such to make it more suspenseful and scary.


Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
1,247 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 50 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/jim-d/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/24