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3,335 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Casual for the most part. I will point out errors I see and offer suggested corrections. I like to focus on the content and formatting of the item. I love providing helpful comments and feedback that may improve the item if acted on.
I'm good at...
I like to provide suggestions to the author on things I see that may need a second look. I'm not afraid to do a little research to verify a poem's format, or the contents of a story (if requested).
Favorite Genres
Mystery, Horror, Sci-Fi, Comedy, and Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Honestly, I will read anything if asked. I just prefer those listed above.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novellas, books (though a review of that may take days/weeks due to my schedule), Poetry of any format.
Least Favorite Item Types
I find non-structured poetry difficult to review, unless there is a short disclaimer about this non-structure that would help in understanding the reason it's in that particular format.
I will not review...
I'm not interested in Vore, In and Out's, Growing/Shrinking, or other items that are similar to one of these.
Public Reviews
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Review of Starship Sentry  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*CakeP*


Dear Jack,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary!

         Since the day I joined WDC, (okay, shortly after joining, when my good friend Amay Author Icon had me read Crooked Creek), you've been one of my favorite writers/authors. Seeing it was your Anniversary, there was no way I could let the day go by without sending you Anniversary wishes.

         Your sense of humor, depth of feeling, and ability to write in a way that most can't conceive is one of your strongest strengths. This story is a perfect example of that. Based on your description, I knew something was up, and tried hard to read this carefully, with two sets of eyes. I wasn't entirely successful, but still, I did realize what was going on a little less than half way through. However, that didn't stop me from enjoying this immensely. I think you have a wonderful sense of humor, and a great appreciation for things on our green Earth. Thank you for an eye-opening, enjoyable read!



Sum1

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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Dear Hope,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 12th WDC Anniversary!

         Such a sad poem about a hurtful time in your past. One can understand your feelings, and not wanting to forgive, hopefully one day that will change. The rhythm of this is a little choppy and inconsistent, but the rhyme scheme is excellent. What I mean about the rhythm, is that it's hard to get a flow going because the syllable count varies a but line to line. You move from a short length of 7 syllables, to as long as 19 syllables. This is in one verse too! What I've learned over time, is that sometimes, less is more in poetry. I'm not one who believes that every line in a poem has to have the same syllable count, unless the format calls for it (Kyrielle for example). In fact, I think it helps the flow of a poem. But it needs to be fairly close for it to read well. I do have a few specific comments for you on it.



Title:  Excellent for this poem




Description:  Very good, it drew me in after all. *Smile*




Rhyme/Rhythm:  This is the rhythm scheme of your poem.

8/10/11/10 8/9/10/13 10/16/8/13 9/8/11/10 8/11/13/13 13/11/11/13 7/13/19/17

You can see how it would be choppy to read.




General Comments:  

1. This is a personal opinion, but I believe most poems look best centered on the page. Also, having the title in Bold makes it look a bit more pleasing to the eye.

2. Some of your lines are really continuations from the previous line. Here's an example.

All I did was try to help you
And your family do what you had to


You didn't use any punctuation in this, but to me that is all one line. That's not so bad really, but in this case it just stands out. These lines might also benefit from a minor re-wording edit.

All I did was try to help you
And the family do what you had to


After all, you are the mother, and while it sounds like you aren't his biological mother, you're still a part of the family. *Smile*

3. Like a spoiled little child you caused a terrible scene This is an excellent place where less is more. Delete the word terrible. Currently the line has 13 syllables, remove that word, and it's 10. Now the syllable count for that verse 8/9/10/10, much more consistent.

4. Another set of lines where less is more.

You verbally threatened, you used your fist
You created a situation that didn’t have to exist


You verbally threatened, used your fist
Created a scene that shouldn't exist


The two lines change from a syllable count of 10/16 to 9/10

5. I will not go on further, simply because I do not want to seemingly pick this apart, I hope you can see my thoughts in these examples.



Overall impressions:  A beautiful poem that could benefit from a thorough read over and edit of the longer lines to shift the rhythm to a smoother flow. Adding punctuation would help it a bit too.


Sum1

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Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*CakeP*


Dear Faeriestone,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary!

         I love this little poem! As you said in your description, it's for children. But you didn't say it's perfect for them! It has a little sing-song quality to it that picks you up and carries you along. The rhythm and rhyme were excellent, I didn't see one area that tripped me up as I read it. I'm not too sure about the font colors though, but that's a personal thing. My only suggestion would be to include the title of the poem in the body (at the top of course), and center it on the page.




Sum1

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Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*CakeP*


Dear Andrea,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 3rd WDC Anniversary!

         Well, to be honest, I actually saw a review of this in the Anniversary Reviews forum, and just had to read it myself. I loved the idea of the three bears adopting Goldilocks. But having a child welfare officer visit to take her back to humanity was the icing on the cake! The dialog was good, but I'd have loved to see a little more between them. I'm not sure how you would do that, but a little more bantering back and forth would have been great. You went right to the point, and that's fine, especially if you were under a word limit. But still, I could see the two of them going back and forth about the adoption, how well Goldilocks was doing, the pro's and con's of it. Maybe Mrs. Bear even conceding that Goldilocks needed more humans around. Just a little more between the two of them is all. Just a thought.... *Smile*




Sum1

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Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*CakeP*


Hello netrov Author Icon

         Greetings and Salutations!

I've read your story and wanted to provide feedback on it so you can continue to improve your writing. At least that is my wish in any comments I write here. Use what you wish, if you choose to edit this.


Why I thought I'd read your story. Well, I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 13th WDC Anniversary!


First Impressions:  Wow, long, detailed, and hard to follow. I say hard to follow because you seemed to bounce around a bit in your thesis (you called it that early on), your thoughts in first one place, then another. In the first few paragraphs, you equate the Four Gospels to the seasons, and points on a compass. That's all well and good, but then you need to make points as to why you say this. As I read it, I saw you move from one Gospel to another as you wrote about things that happened during and after Jesus' life. To be honest, I couldn't get through the whole thing, I had to stop because I'd lost what you were trying to say. Or maybe I never knew your point, and what you were trying to say. My thoughts on this though, are that you need to tighten things up quite a bit. As I've said, your thoughts bounce from one Gospel to the next, from the New Testament to the Old, from quoting James Keifer to a link in the middle of the text. My specific notes are below.




Grammar:  Well written, for the most part. Some of your sentences were very wordy, or poorly worded.





Areas To Consider Improving:  

1. Find a starting point, and write about that. I think you could discuss the Gospel of Luke first for instance. Say all you have to say about his writing, then move on to Mark, John, etc. Put it in any order you want, but stick to one Gospel until you're done.

2. Once all four have been written about, summarize the differences briefly.

3. I don't think I'd quote anyone here, this is your thesis. Find the reference to James Keifer's comments, and provide that as a footnote, mentioning it at the end of the Gospel portion.

4. You go into far too much detail in the general discussion portion of this, and by bouncing around in the Four Gospels, you lose your readers. Make the comments about the Four Gospels specific, to the point. Stick to one at a time as I said. Then compare all four, but summarize in doing so.




General Comments:  

1. A youth told the women to go on to Galilee where they would meet Jesus in person, but they told no one because they were afraid. You contradict yourself here. The youth told the women, but at the same time, told no one because they were afraid? Did you mean no one else?

2. Matthew was evidently incensed by the oppression enforced by the Hasmonean/Herodian and Sadducee-run establishment that controlled the religious, if not the political, order in Jerusalem. Matthew's nativity account incorporated references to Judea's near neighbours, Parthia (Persia) to the east and Egypt to the south west. So far, your thesis has discussed the New Testament only. After this passage here, you suddenly you shift to the Old Testament, and proceed to write about events that occurred long before Jesus birth. This should be a new chapter, and added once all discussion about the Gospels is complete.

3. To guard against this Astyages , when Cyrus was born, sent for his kinsman Harpagus, the steward of his property. whom he trusted more than anyone, and said to him: Worded awkwardly, very awkwardly. If I may suggest a minor edit here. To guard against this, when Cyrus was born Astyages sent for his kinsman Harpagus, the steward of his property, whom he trusted more than anyone, and said to him:

4. Herodotus, The Histories, in: Penguin Classics, Translated by Aubrey de Selincourt, 1974, P.87 This should be a footnote, not part of the thesis.

5. After this you proceed right back to the New Testament, but then quote James Keifer. You’re bouncing around a bit (a lot), and may lose some readers. I call it ‘shotgun’ writing. You’re not completing one subject before writing about a new one, then coming back to the original subject. After quoting James Keifer, you provide a link to another article, with no explanation as to why it’s there, why it’s pertinent, and what it might provide that you haven’t already discussed.

6. An anti-Roman implication in Matthew's stress on the triumphal and defiant aspect of the Resurrection, which could well be understood as a complete refutation of the Sadducees' disbelief in the possibility of a general resurrection of the dead, which the Pharisees affirmed, and, to boot, the Sadduccees were closely allied to Herod, and Herod to the Romans. You lost me here, until I realized that “in Matthew’s” should be “is Matthew’s”. This is still poorly worded though, too long, too wordy. Break it into 2-3 sentences.


         I apologize, but I had to stop at about this point. First, I had no desire to seemingly cut this apart. Secondly, I'd been at this for an hour already, and could see that it would be another 2 hours at least before I could finish it.





Overall impressions:  An interesting discussion of the Gospels in the New Testament. It needs a lot of editing TLC for it to achieve future high ratings.


Sum1

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Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Dear Untucoi,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 4th WDC Anniversary!

         What a beautiful poem of love, and how your loved one can 'save' you. The images you forged in my mind were very good, of a man lost, wading through deep water, then spying the one he loved in the distance. The love he felt allowed him to churn through the deepest, most treacherous water to make it to her side.

         Being free verse, your poem doesn't require a rhyme or rhythm scheme, but this still flows nicely. For me, it seemed the last line in each verse was shorter, but summed up the previous two lines. Nicely done! I do have one comment for you, but it's only because the image created by this line doesn't really fit, in some ways.

1. and crash upon the reef. One could almost think that he didn't make it to her side, didn't make it to her and love her. After all, he crashed on the reef. But I took it to mean he did make it. However, in the early part, you mention the 'rocky shore of my heart'. And in the last line, he is guided by her light, and blinded, he crashes on the reef. So while the last line is nice, it doesn't fit the rest of the imagery. If he crashes on the reef, how did he make it to her side? I like the poem, don't get me wrong, and I think I know what you're trying to say here. But the imagery doesn't fit.



Sum1

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Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey GrampaD,
         As I read this, I wondered what manner of creature was hiding, waiting for that perfect moment. I felt it had to be an insect, but wasn't sure. The ending was appropriate for your story, and it forced me to Google the Black Spider Wasp. I may not have read about the right species, but in one place it did say that the wasp would lay a single egg, not eggs. Small detail I know, but I had to read about it. Your descriptions were excellent, but would a wasp hide like that? It seems it would hover around, looking for a spider, not hide in concealment. Overall though, a good story that kept me riveted the whole time.




Sum1

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Review of The Kiss  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Dear Katrina,
         I'm reading this for the October Power Reviewers Raid, and once again you've left me breathless and teary eyed. You know I always find your stories and poems amazing, your style of writing hits me like few others do. Maybe I'm a little biased, but I'd like to think I'm not. This is beautiful, heart rending, and loving. The subject matter is close to my heart, for I feel my mortality every day now, and know that this man could be me sometime in the future. I just hope it's a long time from now. *Smile* I did see a couple of things you might want to look at in this.



Title:  Perfect for this story, unless you wanted to add the word 'Last' between the two words.



Description:  I think your description could be a lot stronger. Why is this a final kiss? Are they parting, going to live their own lives? Is one of them dying? You know what I mean here, you give this same advice in many of your reviews. Entice a reader in!




My Favorite Part:  The complete package. The entire story pulls at me.





General Comments:  

1. Early on in the story, your main character is sitting by the bedside of the man she loves. Her son wants her to go home and rest some, but she wants to stay. In speaking to him, she refers to him simply as 'son'. It seems she would use his name, or at least say, 'My Son'. That sounds too stilted though, so I'd go with giving her son a name.

2. With reluctance the young man sighed, “Alright, call if you need anything, or if anything changes.” Being picky here. But I think I'd change the first 'anything' to something. Using the same word twice in close succession is a little distracting.

3. I want to feel the love of my life at my side holding on to me, clinging to me, just like we used to do.” It seems you could delete the last word and still have this read fine. Again, a bit picky here, but it seems to read a little better without that.

4. His fingers barely touched her skin, trailing up and down her arm, tingling sensations intensified wherever his fingers touched.
Ron sighed. “This is what I’ve wanted for so long now.”
I'm not sure if this should be part of the previous paragraph, or a small one all its own. Either way, it needs to be moved. Make it part of the previous line, or add an extra line so it stands on its own.

5. Amy smiled and wrapped her arms around Ron’s neck, she whispered softly in his ear, “Intreat me not to leave thee,…for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge…” Damn I loved that passage. Brings tears to my eyes every time I read it.



Overall impressions:  Your writing always amazes me, every story or poem I read is beautiful. Am I being biased? Maybe. I'd like to think I'm your #1 Fan. *Bigsmile*


Sum1

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Review of She  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Dear Turtle,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 4th WDC Anniversary!

         This is a beautiful, touching tribute to your wife. Your love for her is very evident in every letter you typed in this poem. Free verse, so no real structure or rhyme scheme required, yet it almost seems you could have used one. I know you've listed it as 'other', but it's in your poetry folder, so the natural assumption on a reader's part would be to think of it as a poem.

         However, in some ways I'd call this prose vs. a free verse poem because of its structure. The reason I say that is because of your use of punctuation in it. Five of your seven verses are one line, and a sentence at that. A poem is usually not made up of complete sentences, and does not read as sentences do. Yet this does, even the two verses that have multiple sentences in them read as if I'm reading a story. I do have some specific comments for you on this poem.



Title:  It fits, but it based on the content, it would almost seem like the poem is about someone you know, but not very well. This is not bad by any means, but it seems you could would have a more 'loving' title to it.




Description:  You're allowed to use 90 characters for your description. Tell us why this is so important, give a reader a small clue as to why this poem is about her, even if it's nothing more than "For the love of my life, my wife". Draw a reader in with your description, make them WANT to read it!




General Comments:  

1. Personal opinion here, but I would center this on the page.

2. I was not looking for anything
when she found me,
soft curves reminiscent
of the last, drawn out days of summer.


I'm going to show you this verse in a complete line, as if not written in a poem style.

I was not looking for anything when she found me, soft curves reminiscent of the last, drawn out days of summer. Just who has these soft curves? The way the line is written, it seems she found you, complete with soft curves. A simple edit would alleviate this confusion, while helping it to appear more as a poem than prose. *Smile*

I was not looking for anything when she found me,
her soft curves reminiscent,
of the last, drawn out days of summer.


3. I was in college then,
a world of promises and make believe,
an unrealistic portrait of possibilities
that dances on the edge of reality.


You state that you 'were' in college then. Thus this line refers to the past. But using 'dances' in the last part places it in the present. To me, dances should be danced.

4. The virtue of reality
in a world filled with plastic people
hiding behind their showplace homes,
their fancy cars,
and their sterile, white bread ways.


I would eliminate the second usage of the word 'their'. As written, it becomes redundant, and distracts from the read. In fact, you could eliminate the first two usages of it, and use it only in the last part.

5. but from the rubble, we still arise
a testament
to the strength of our love.


The previous line ended in a period. You've been consistent throughout the poem with punctuation and capitalization, so 'but' should have a capital B.

6. Two children later,
and she is more beautiful today,
than she was the day we met.


In poetry, sometimes less is more. What I mean here is, you don't need the word 'and'. Take it out and see what you think. Plus, it doesn't read quite so much like a sentence then, and more like a poem.



Overall impressions:  A loving tribute for a woman this man loves more than anything in the world.


Sum1

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Review of Loose Change  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Hello Logan Author Icon

         Greetings and Salutations!

I've read your story and wanted to provide feedback on it so you can continue to improve your writing. At least that is my wish in any comments I write here. Use what you wish, if you choose to edit this.


Why I thought I'd read your story. Well, I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 12th WDC Anniversary!

         You know, this is an interesting story about your father. He sounds a lot like mine. But it needs some work. Your paragraphs are a bit long, some of your sentences aren't grammatically correct, the whole thing ebbs and flows some, carrying the reader down the line. However, I wouldn't change a thing. Not one word, not one bit of punctuation. Sure it's not entirely correct. But the way you wrote this kept me mesmerized, consumed in the story. Sure it's not great, sure it needs work. But I like it how it is. Maybe it reminds of someone who was my age now, when I was very young. I don't know. But I like it the way it is.


Sum1

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Review of Comrades  Open in new Window.
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Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hey Ken,
         Wow, Wow, and Wow! I really loved this! The flow is excellent, the end rhymes consistent with a rhythm that never faltered. Well done on this, I couldn't see a thing to say in way of recommendation. Excellent job!


Sum1

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Review of Untitled  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
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Hello Emily Author Icon

         Greetings and Salutations!

I've read your story and wanted to provide feedback on it so you can continue to improve your writing. At least that is my wish in any comments I write here. Use what you wish, if you choose to edit this.


Why I thought I'd read your story. Well, I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 12th WDC Anniversary!


First Impressions:  This is an interesting start to what could be a good, long story. I say start, because you leave the reader hanging at the end. I know your description asks the reader that question, "Would you leave our flawed world....", and tell us we have to decide. However, I think you could make this a lot longer (and better in my opinion), if you showed us what your main character decides. While this is an interesting story, it needs a lot of editing TLC for it to continue to receive higher ratings. You do a lot of telling in this short piece, and very little showing, often using long, run-on sentences. Here's an example.

Usually, there is a definite “morning” feeling, of the cheerful soprano of birdsongs, of the dew on the grass, sparkling in the soft, yet enchanting glow of the early-morning sun, but today, there is only a feeling of staleness, of dread, in the ominous grey sky.

         That's a very long sentence when you think about it, and could easily be broken into several shorter ones.

You notice that the usual “morning” feeling when you wake is missing. Even though you still hear the cheerful soprano of the bird signing in the trees, something doesn't feel right. Looking out your window, you can see the dew still sparkling on the grass in the soft, yet enchanting glow of the early-morning sun. But something is still off, at least in your mind. Instead of feeling vibrant on waking, all you feel is staleness, a sense of dread hovering over you. The ominous grey sky only lends itself to strengthening this feeling.

So when I say telling, you are just telling us what's going on. You do use some nice descriptions in this, but the run-on sentences makes it really hard to see that. I have other specific comments for you on this, detailed below.




Grammar:  Your use of run-on sentences makes this a little hard to get through at times. What I've learned to do, is read it aloud. If I'm reading a sentence and have to pause to breathe, then it's time (actually past time) for a period.





Areas To Consider Improving:  

1. See if you can shorten your sentences a little.

2. I don't see the connection between the small boy finding the syringe in the sand, and the rest of the story. If you're trying to show us how 'awful' the world is, then describe what happens after he finds the syringe. Does he play with it? Does he accidentally stab himself or someone else with it? All these ideas/comments apply to the homeless man sitting under the tree.

3. Tighten this up a bit. What I mean is, keep your thoughts straight, and write as if you're looking to entertain the reader. Right now, it's written in a form that comes across as you talking to a friend.




My Favorite Part:  The end. I like the idea of a strange mist hovering in the forest, and wondering where it came from, why is it there, etc.




Overall impressions:   A good start, but I'd love to see more in this. It may not be what you were shooting for, but now you've gotten the reader started, you can't just leave it hanging! *Smile*


Sum1

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Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Dear Gene,

         Your words are very powerful, a little choppy at times in the rhythm area, but I'm not sure I'd change much here. It all depends on what you want to do with this. It is beautiful as written, very emotional, very moving. A trained poet (which I am not) would tell you the rhythm is off, that syllable count isn't correct in all lines, etc, etc, etc. I will tell you it's beautiful, I Love It. If you want to edit it, there's a couple of things you can do. If I may be so bold, I will show you a few minor changes you can make should you choose to. I've lined out words that can be deleted without changing the meaning of the poem. I've highlighted original text in blue, and my suggestions on wording in green. Another thing you could do throughout the poem, is shorten the lines. You have some great rhymes or near rhymes within the lines, so make the lines 2, not 1. Small example of the first two line here.

There is a graveyard both far and near,
where a forgotten soldier lies;
No flowers there are sprinkled
nor tears from mourner's eyes.


1. Often in poetry, less is often better (more).


There is a graveyard both far and near where a forgotten soldier lies;
No flowers there are sprinkled, nor tears from mourner's eyes.

For there I stood not long ago in remembrance of these brave;
When suddenly I heard a weeping voice speaking softly from the grave.
When suddenly a weeping voice was heard, whispering from the grave.

"Did we win our freedom that we fought so hard to achieve?
Do we still respect that tiny flag above that empty sleeve?"

"I died in youth without a chance to see my children play;
Yet I prayed to God with all might to help me through that day."
Yet I prayed to God to help me make it through that day."

"My son," God said, o'er the weeping winds and gently swaying field;
"The price you paid your life for theirs, this I cannot yield."
"The price you paid, your life you gave, this I cannot yield."

"But it's not fair!" he cried in vain, "I did not volunteer;
My name was picked by lot and chance, misfortune brought me here."

"Freedom is a costly thing to be cherished, to be wanted, to be won;
It comes at a terrible price, war is never done. (I added this line. Most of the poem is rhyming couplets, yet in two places you have three lines. So I added one (please, make your own line here, not mine) to keep it in couplets).

The price of freedom is paid by some so others may live in peace;
You, my son, have paid that price, this graveyard is your lease."

"But my people have forgotten me Lord, of us their memories wain;
Beneath this cross of brilliant white, I feel I have died in vain."

"So long as one remembers you and what you did for all;
so long as freedom stands and peace abides your memory I will recall."
(Comment here. Be careful starting lines in succession with the same words, like So long as...)

"Upon the field of duty a terrible price is always paid; (the second place where you have three lines instead of a couplet). Suggestion below.

"Upon the field of duty a terrible price is paid;
"Many fall in battle, their honor not betrayed
.

You are not alone on this hallowed ground my son - you are not alone;
On this hallowed ground my son - you are not alone;
Throughout the history of your land, brave acts and deeds were sown.

"To your left and to your right, in front, behind and near;
"To your left and your right, in front, behind and near;
The spirits of your fallen friends, lie sleeping - but all can hear." (I stop here, I think you get the idea of what I mean.)

"But my Lord is it not fair, for those who never bled;
To live in bliss and harmony and a tear they never shed?"

"The loss you paid your eager youth your children never born;
Your hopes and dreams and everything, through you their price was born."

"And my Lord, of those who live whose memories often weep;
Will you give them peace of mind in their final rest and sleep?"

"Just as you, they've earned that right and their minds I will put to rest;
Their tears I will dry and their hearts I will heal as I hold them to my chest."

As I listened to these gentle words which filled my eyes with tears;
My sight beheld a shining flag that's flown throughout the years.

Each star that shined was multiplied at least ten thousand fold;
To embrace the lives of those who died - whose lives that God now holds.

And as the voice continued, a feeling of pride and honor spread;
For here is what the weeping spirit of that forgotten soldier said.

"I am that forgotten soldier and maybe I died in vain;
But if I were alive, and my country called, I'd do it all again."

"For I believe in America, for the rights of all free men;
So If I were alive, for freedom, I'd do it all again."

"Yes! I would stand up, and take my place, among the soldiers of the free;
I would die again for America - for the land of liberty."



A truly beautiful poem that more should read. Maybe then people would really understand the phrase, Freedom, isn't free.


Sum1

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Dear Gene,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 6th WDC Anniversary!

         You and I have a common background, though mine isn't near as harsh as yours. I was in Submarine Service, so never faced battle at all. I read extensively about WWII as a teen, and can appreciate what you must have gone through. I can't imagine being as young as some of these men were in the Civil War, fighting like they did. I think 18 is a little young to face something like war, I can't being to comprehend being only 12 or 13 and doing it. Especially in that time period.

         This is well written, your facts are sobering and sad. I did see one thing you might want to look at, should you choose to edit this.

1. History records that during the battle of Chattanooga, TN, the barefoot, cold, starving body of a Tennessee boy no more than 13 or 14 was discovered by a Union officer. Since the Union officer discovered the 'body', then the boy had to have been dead, as you stated in the next paragraph. Therefore, starving (present tense, implying he's still alive), should be starved.

         Thank you for the thought filled read. It makes one appreciate what we have today, doesn't it. I wish you well kind sir, and salute you.



Sum1

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Dear Cassie,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 9th WDC Anniversary!

         I have to say, I'm a sap for happy endings, and this didn't disappoint. I can imagine how she felt when she found her collection gone, I know I've lost a few things in my time, but few as precious as this was to her. But after looking under her bed and finding her present that played 'their song', and the sight that met her eyes when she stood, was icing on the cake, so to speak. Loved it. The only question I'd have is, why didn't she recognize the writing on the postcard if it came from her husband? Did he have someone else write it for him? Doesn't seem too likely, unless he used his other hand for that. Just wondering is all. Thank you for the enjoyable read on this fall morning. *Smile*



Sum1

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Dear Carol,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 8th WDC Anniversary!

         I began this month with a review for you, it seems only fitting that my last (possibly last) Anniversary Review this month end with you.

         Wow, I found this to be very powerful. You wrote this so eloquently, I could tell your heart was in every word on the page. I could also see that you chose your words carefully, but I'm sure you didn't have to be too careful. This is that beautiful, that deep (at least for me). As I read this, I tried, dang it I tried. To find one small iota I could comment on that needed your attention. Alas, I either got caught up in the read and forgot to look closely, or this really is that perfect. I prefer to think it's the latter of the two. *Smile* As a result, I give it the rare (for me) *Star**Star**Star**Star**Star* rating. Very well done my friend, very well done.





Sum1

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Hello justme Author Icon
         Greetings and Salutations!

I've read your story and wanted to provide feedback on it so you can continue to improve your writing. At least that is my wish in any comments I write here. Use what you wish, if you choose to edit this.


Why I thought I'd read your story. Well, I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 13th WDC Anniversary!


First Impressions:  A pretty interesting story of a young girl who was trying to learn about her family history. It flows well with a decent dialog. Some of it is predictable (but that didn't bother me), but it seemed like she was looking for a grandfather when her mother could have told her where he was (or where she last knew him to be). Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the story. But you either left out a few details that would prevent readers from asking questions like this (maybe intentionally), or didn't think it needed to be told. There were a few questions I had in my mind after reading this.

1. Where was Bonnie's mother, and why wasn't she with Bonnie when she went on this search?

2. If Bonnie's father thought her mother's family had a lot of money, why would her mother have the key to the clock, which could give him access to the clock and its contents. Giving it to Bonnie later on would imperil her. Was her father dead then?

3. How did Bonnie's grandfather know Bonnie would be coming when she did? I know her mother sent them a letter about it, but that was years ago! How did he know she'd be arriving when she did, why would he tell his friends. It just all seemed to coincidental to happen without someone (her mother?) telling him she was on her way.

4. Why didn't Bonnie's mother tell her what her grandfathers name is?

5. At the end, you write, “I had always wondered,” I began, “but my parents told me I would know when it was time. Is this Bonnie's mother she's talking about, or was Bonnie adopted? It seems she was adopted, but you never state that in your story. This would answer a lot of these questions, but right now the reader has no clue on what's going on, or what happened in the past.

         I'm sure there are more questions, but right now those are what popped to mind.




Grammar:  Very good, there was one sentence I noted (see below) that could be re-worded.





Areas To Consider Improving:  Tighten the plot by providing either more details, or delve deeper into what really happened early on.




General Comments:  

1. I sat in silence starting at the tied bundle of letters. I think you can see the extra letter you have in one word here.

2. “You are Bonnie,” she exclaimed in a sob. Read this, and read the rest of the dialog around it. Bonnie and her husband have just arrived at the house where her grandfather is staying. She's greeted by a woman, and all she says is, "You are Bonnie." It seems there would be a lot more excitement and exclamations all around. In fact, would the woman recognize her at all, and know who she is. There's a big assumption going about Bonnie throughout the story that left me bewildered. What you're doing here is telling, not showing. If I may, here is a little bit of showing for you, in this part of the story.

         “May I help you,” a kind-faced older lady asked as she opened the door. She looked quizzically at me for a moment, her eyes searching my face. I could see realization dawn in her mind as her eyes grew as big as saucers. “Oh my God, you're Bonnie!” she exclaimed in a sob. “Elint! Elint! It's Bonnie, she's come here as you said she would all these years!” Turning back to us she said, “Oh please, come in, come on in!”

         Do you see the difference in how it is presented to the reader? You are showing them the expression on Emma's face as she realizes who Bonnie is, not just telling them how she's greeted.

3. I locked everything I had in this clock when your mother got involved with an unscrupulous man who married her because he thought our family had a large fortune. This sentence (paragraph) seems to need a little rewording. Your mother got involved with an unscrupulous man who married her because he thought our family had a large fortune. After you were born, she ran away with you to be free of his domineering lifestyle. I had locked everything I had in this clock, giving your mother the only key. I was worried for her and you, but couldn't bring myself to destroy the clock. It has been passed down through generations in my family, and it very precious to me. One day we received a letter containing a photograph of you. All it said was that you would be safe, she had given you the locket and the key, and left instructions that when you were grown up, you should be told to find me.” There's a little more explanation provided to the reader, a little more depth to the story, and the reader understands things a bit better. Please note, these are only my suppositions, there's no way I could know what you intended, so take all this and do with it what you will. IF you do choose to edit this and want me to re-read/re-review it, I will be happy to oblige. *Smile*


Overall impressions:  A good story that just needs a few more details, a little more showing instead of telling to allow it to receive better reviews in the future.


Sum1

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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hello Lynda Miller Author Icon

         Greetings and Salutations!

I've read your story and wanted to provide feedback on it so you can continue to improve your writing. At least that is my wish in any comments I write here. Use what you wish, if you choose to edit this.


Why I thought I'd read your story. Well, I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 2nd WDC Anniversary!


First Impressions:  A very chilling tale of a mad man waiting for his last request. You don't really tell us what he's done; you hint at it, kind of bounce around the subject, but you leave it to the reader to decide what he did to deserve incarceration. I myself am not sure what I think. He didn't kill anyone, at least that's what he thought as he sat there. So it left me a little confused and unsure. I'm guessing he was a rapist, one who kept his women in a dungeon of some type and never let them out. Overall though, this is well written, flows well and keeps the reader involved in the story. I do have some specific comments for you on it, and a general recommendation.




Grammar:  Very good, there are a couple of places where you used the incorrect tense. Spelling was very good, I noticed only one minor word misspelled.





Areas To Consider Improving:  I think the biggest thing you can do with this story, is name your character. You call him 'he' throughout, surely he had a name! It makes it a little easier for a reader to relate to him, and what he's feeling.



General Comments:  

1. There was not one of them who said "go away and leave me alone!" The g in go should be capitalized, since it's the start of dialog.

2. He heard the taping of footsteps as they walk to where he was. Taping should be tapping. As written, taping is like someone taping a conversation. Walk should be walked, since this is all in past tense.




Overall impressions:  An eerie story of a man who is waiting for his last meal, his last request.


Sum1

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Dear Jellyfish,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 2nd WDC Anniversary!

         This is a pretty humorous take on Jingle Bells, I have to say I loved it. I found myself singing along as I read it, trying to feel the song in your words. And your words are so true, I NEVER shop on Christmas Eve! I loved the line about the trolley with a wonky wheel, I too hate trolleys like that. (Shopping carts here in America.) Your chorus is excellent, and brings out the ardors of shopping this time of year. I think the best thing to do, is as you suggest, shop on line, or shop very early. Like in January maybe. *Blush* (For the next year, not late shopping). Thank you for putting a smile on my face today.



Sum1

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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello StartingOver Author Icon

         Greetings and Salutations!

I've read your story and wanted to provide feedback on it so you can continue to improve your writing. At least that is my wish in any comments I write here. Use what you wish, if you choose to edit this.


Why I thought I'd read your story.  Your title and description intrigued me, pull me in. I also saw that it was on the unreviewed and new page, so I thought I'd drop by, welcome you to WDC, and offer you a review.


First Impressions:  What a wonderful story of love unfulfilled, yet love that is never forgotten or lost. You tell this well, the flow kept me mesmerized throughout. I'm a softie for anything to do with love, especially when it's a touching story or poem. Yours is exactly that, it touches the heart and makes one realize how precious love is. You can love someone in person, or from a distance; there's no need to hurt them due to the past the two of you share. This is the route you chose for your story, and I loved it. I would love to rate it higher, but it does need a little editing TLC so it can always get high marks from future reviewers. If I may, I would like to offer you a little feedback that may help you edit this.



Grammar:  Your grammar and spelling is excellent throughout. So instead of commenting on grammar, I want to discuss formatting with you. You formatted this a bit uniquely, and in a way, it kept me involved in the story, but at the same time, it distracted from the read. You might want to look at this and see what you think. I'll give you an example below.

But
it did happen, and I wished the earth would swallow me up when I
looked into those familiar hazel eyes, with the old twinkle and
amusement - until they were drawn by the insistent tugging on my
other hand


Notice the hard return you have after the first word in the paragraph. It seems like you copied this from a document, and didn't look closely at the formatting of it on WDC. It is this way throughout the story, with the first word set on a line by itself. Here's my suggestion below.

         But it did happen, and I wished the earth would swallow me up when I looked into those familiar hazel eyes, with the old twinkle and amusement - until they were drawn by the insistent tugging on my other hand.

         All I did was remove the hard returns, and used the {indent} command on the first line. I know you are new on WDC, so I will explain the {indent} command. If you type the word indent exactly as you see it there, brackets and all, it will indent the line. Use it on the first line of each paragraph. Double space each paragraph also, it looks so much better for on line reading then. *Smile*



Areas To Consider Improving:  Formatting.




My Favorite Part:  I loved how Kyle could almost read his mother's mind, and not make a scene in front of Andrew. Children like that are one in a million.





General Comments:  

1. In the first line of the second paragraph, you write, I have always imagined meeting the greatest love of my life looking my best. But we quickly find out that she has a past with this man, and that her son, is his son. So this doesn't seem to really fit the rest of the story. It seems you might want to reword this slightly so the reader knows they've met before.

2. When I tried to copy that sentence (from the previous comment) into my review here, it copied everything from the title down. So like I wrote above, formatting, formatting, formatting. It's like running a restaurant. You want customers to come in, want them to be able to find you, so in that case, it's location, location, location. Imagine a reader opening this story, seeing the current formatting, and closing it without reading it because they think it can't possibly be worth reading. First impressions are lasting. You want others to read this, you want it to receive a lot of views/reviews. Formatting will help that.




Overall impressions:  A beautiful love story; a love that can never be now, but a love that was there, even when the couple met many years later.


Sum1

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Dear Carol,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 8th WDC Anniversary!

         There is no way I could let September go by without visiting one of my favorite people, and send her an Anniversary Review! Happy WDC Anniversary!

         I love stories like this. They don't necessarily have to have a happy ending, but I love stories that make you feel. This one does. I've been in her shoes, but not quite as dire as her condition was. I retired from the Navy, and spent two long years looking for a decent job. I went to food banks on Thanksgiving and Christmas, I accepted charity. So I can commiserate with her, and the situation she and her son were in. I guess you could say a Leprechaun found me and helped me out too though, so maybe that's why I love this story so.

         The flow is excellent, the grammar and dialog made it an easy, and enjoyable read. I would love to have seen it be a little longer, and read what happened at her job interviews, but then that would have spoiled the whole feel of it. Your story read a lot like the stories of my best friend, Amay. A lot of love in it, feel good feelings, and general cheeriness, despite her predicament. I did see a couple of minor, very minor things you may want to look at in this.



1. Nice to meet you, O' Hallucination. Now please hand over your pot of gold, solve all my problems, and show yourself out. I have things to do." You are missing the opening quotation marks here.

2. "He drew a tiny handkerchief from his breast pocket and dabbed his eyes. I guess that since the previous line of the story was missing the opening quotation marks, it's only right that the very next line be missing the closing quotation marks.


         Well done here! As I said, I loved the flow, keep up the excellent writing!



Sum1

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Dear Vamphunter,
         I saw this on the unreviewed and new page, and had to give it a read. I'm certainly glad I did! This is very well written, you explain each type of 'monster' in real world terms, giving examples of each. I never thought about it like you have here, but I can see the parallels. I love reading Stephen King, his sense of horror is addicting in some ways. No, I've never thought about doing any of the horrors he's written about, for me it was the details he writes about the intrigues me and keeps me coming back. I loved that about your essay here, it made me think about things in the real world. I do have one comment for you, and two comments on this.



1. Write a Bio so we know more about you. *Smile* A little about who you are, where you're from, likes, dislikes, etc.

2. On the streets, its the gang member who has so married themselves to the dogma of the group mentality that pulling a gun or a switchblade out and wasting a total stranger on the command of their superior becomes an act devoid of any conscience or remorse. Its should be it's.

3. And speaking of the government, the a fore mentioned historical tyrants can be referenced by citing that a time would come when “emergency power” would be assumed by them to avoid a state or martial law “for the sake of the people”. A fore should be afore, it's one word, or at least I've seen it as one word all the time. I checked it using Microsoft Word, and it came up correct there also. (Hate commenting on something, and being incorrect about my comment is all).



         Overall, an excellent essay on the horrors of the world, and how they relate to monsters in writing and film. Well done! I hope to read more of your stuff soon.



Sum1

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Dear Bill,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 12th WDC Anniversary!

         Wow, you do tell a gruesome story! Your description of Harley was enough to make me stay far away from him; his state of mind was portrayed well too, making him double trouble. Your descriptions of the slaughterhouse was exceptional, do you have experience in them, or just did a lot of reading on them? Either way, it made me realize, or reaffirm the knowledge that there are some jobs I could never do. The ending was expected, but well written. The only thing I would comment on, is something I didn't understand.

1. At the end, Harley feels something slithering up his leg, but he tells himself it's not there. I'm not sure what you were trying to say with that, or were you just showing us how far his mind had gone down that one way path?

         An excellent story, but if one wants to read it, they shouldn't fear gruesome details. Stephen King like descriptions that make a reader shake their head, and shudder.




Sum1

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Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
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Dear Tina,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 7th WDC Anniversary!

         Your story brought back a lot of memories from my youth. While I never tried to fry an egg on the sidewalk, I did a lot of other things kids today probably wouldn't consider. I loved the jargon you had your characters speak in, since the title says this occurs in the 50's, it fits well. I had to smile at the idea of closing the house up to keep the cool air in, even going so far as to pin drapes shut. I did see one small thing you might want to consider, should you decide to edit this.

1. “Greg, we fried an egg on the side walk.” Everywhere else you use the correct spelling. Except in that line. *Smile*



Sum1

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Dear Christina,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 4th WDC Anniversary!

         Your poem is beautiful in a way, but it's rhythm is a little choppy. I love the message you bring in this, but then I always do love poems about love. This one just seems to scream your love to him throughout, each line telling us how much you miss him. It is beautiful, but does need some editing TLC so it can receive higher grades in the future.



Title:  This is one time where the title of something is a bit of a mystery to me. I do understand what you're trying to convey here, but Endurance doesn't seem to fit. Enduring love, yes, but Endurance, no. It doesn't fit, at least for me.




Description:  Perfect for the content of your poem.




Rhyme/Rhythm:  To me, this was pretty choppy rhythm wise. But some of your rhymes were off, as well as the rhythm. Let's look at rhythm first. I'm not one who believes every line has to be the same length, either in looks, or in syllable count. But it needs to be close. Here's your syllable count line by line. 9/7/10/8 10/5/9/10 9/11/10/11 9/9/10/10 11/8/12/8

It would seem you wrote this with about a 9-11 syllable count for the most part. The lines with five, seven and eight really stand out as a result, and make the read very choppy. I just found it hard to get into a flow while reading it.

As for your rhyming, some of it was definitely forced, and used the same ending in a compound word (when the words themselves didn't really rhyme), or were quite a reach in trying to rhyme. Here are the end words in your poem that shouted at me (just said "I don't rhyme with the other word.") as I read it.

lives/afterlives: Of course they'll rhyme, each ends in lives. But, lives is 1 syllable, afterlives is 3. Really throws the reader off. (I read this poem three times, twice aloud, each time I stumbled over words or rhymes.

Truelove/love: Same as my previous comment

Sit/did: This was the biggest stretch for me, I do not see the rhyme here.

Amber/remember: Amber has the long A sound to it, remember is totally different. So even though the 'ber' portion rhymes, the rest doesn't.

Warning/darling: Again, the 'ing' rhymes, but the other part of each word does not.

         When I need to make sure something rhymes, I use Rhymezone.com, it's a good site when you need help. I ran the first word of each on these pairs on that site. In every case, the second word was not listed as a rhyme.



General Comments:  

1. Be careful using the same word twice a close proximity. That too will detract from the read.

2. You used the singular I (or a variant, such as I'll) 13 times in this short poem!



Overall impressions:  Like I first stated, I love the message you're trying to convey in this poem. But the flow of it needs a lot of editing TLC for it to shine.


Sum1

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